Emily arrives ten minutes after Olivia calls. She pulls the door open on her friend with a sigh, speaking over the yelling in the background.
"I told you not to rush," she says. "It's going to be at least another ten before she goes down."
Emily's expression asks a dozen questions, but she steps into the narrow hallway and asks only one. "What can I do?"
"Strip and clean the bed in the room down there to the right, please." Olivia had made up her mind when she called Emily and not Jane, and now she redoubles her resolve and points down the hall. "There's already cleaner in the corner."
Olivia doesn't have time to decide what the look on Emily's face means, because at that moment her mother comes around the corner.
Serena Benson's eyes are bloodshot and out of focus. She's holding a half empty bottle For a moment she stares between Emily and Olivia, as if she is unsure which one of them belongs to her. Then she points at Olivia. "You're nothing," she says, and her words are runny like under cooked eggs. "Youshn't even have been born."
She staggers forward, lifting the bottle like she's going to strike something. Olivia thinks she looks a bit comical, like a two year old throwing a tantrum, but Emily steps forward, lowering her chin.
Olivia wishes fleetingly for Jane. "Ignore her," She tells Emily.
"Ig-" Emily looks incredulous, but she cuts herself off and nods once. She gives Serena a withering look before turning in the direction that Olivia has pointed.
...
"Why didn't you call me?" Jane interrupts angrily. "And what does this have to do with why Emily hates Maura."
"Emily doesn't hate Maura," JJ says quietly.
"Could have fooled me," Jane huffs. "Were we sitting at different tables just now?"
"Jane," Olivia says patiently. "Let me tell the rest of this, please?"
Jane grumbles but doesn't interrupt again as Olivia starts talking.
...
Serena doesn't pass out for almost 45 more minutes. At the end, when they are hauling her towards the bedroom, she opens one bleary eye and focuses on Emily.
"You're not my daughter," she says clearly. "My daughter's not so pretty as you."
Emily has been instructed to ignore the woman's rantings, but a muscle jumps in her jaw as she grits her teeth.
"She's a nuisance you know," Serena grunts as they lower her onto the mattress. "She's a mistake. Worst one I ever made."
As soon as the older woman's arm is down from around Emily's neck, she turns and leaves the room.
Olivia pulls the sheet up around her mother. "Sleep, Mom," she says unnecessarily. Serena's head has already dropped back against the pillow.
When she makes her way out into the hall, Emily is pulling on her coat. Olivia stands, watching her for a moment before reaching for her own jacket. They leave the little apartment together, and almost like they've planned it, they turn left at the end of Olivia's street and head towards the pier.
"Why isn't Jane here?"
Olivia has been anticipating this question. She slows a little. "Because I called you."
"Why?"
"Because I wanted you to see my mom at her worst." The best policy with Emily is always the truth. She has a nose for lies, like a bloodhound.
They round the next corner and come up on the pier, the water in the harbor dark and restless. They choose a bench without talking about it. Olivia makes sure they sit so that they are not touching. If she makes contact with Emily, she wants the other girl to know that it is deliberate. That there has been no mistake.
They look out over the water, Olivia waiting for the question she knows Emily is working up to. The past events necessitate it.
"Has she ever-"Emily begins.
"No," Olivia says quickly. "No. She just."
"Drinks and tells you what a mistake you are?"
Olivia thinks she knows what happened in Rome. "Well," she says slowly, "I certainly wasn't planned. She resents my very existence."
"Don't say that," Emily says harshly. "You're amazing. You're so smart, and funny and you care so much about everyone. You-"
"It doesn't matter what I am, Emmy, not for her. I spent years trying to change the way she sees me. That isn't going to happen." The words come out of her mouth, and they feel so frighteningly liberating that she says the sentence again. "That isn't going to happen."
"God," Emily says, and for the first time in almost three years, she looks like the vulnerable kid that said hi to Olivia back in 8th grade. "Everything just got so messed up."
"You mean here?" They are getting closer to the heart of it now, Olivia can feel it.
"I mean everywhere."
Olivia smiles. Neither one of her friends lacks a flare for the dramatic. "You didn't mess anything up here."
Emily lets out a shaky breath. "I kissed Jane," she says all in a rush. "She told me she loved me, and I don't feel the same, but I let her kiss me. I kissed her back."
"I know," Olivia says.
Emily's head snaps around. "You do?"
"Yeah," Olivia says casually. "We talked about it. I convinced her not to drop out. To graduate and then reevaluate. You know she wants to go into the Academy."
Emily pinches the inside of her right elbow with her thumb and index finger. "Oh, my god," she says, sounding despondent.
"That's Jane," Olivia continues, reassuring "She's never been able to sit with pain."
"I ruin everything," Emily says, and her voice sounds monotone.
"Emily," Olivia says firmly. "This isn't about Jane…"
Emily turns her face away, but it's obvious she's not looking at anything. "Tell me what happened in Rome," Olivia says quietly. "Tell me."
And Emily does, tripping only once, over the word 'baby.' When she finishes, they sit there for a long time saying nothing. She watches Emily's jaw work, and waits until she is sure the tears won't fall before reaching out and taking the other girl's hand.
"I tried to make it right," Emily says, choking up. "I didn't want…I tried to make it right."
Olivia nods, and she keeps her voice level. She knows more about both Emily and Jane than either girl would give her credit for. She listens to their restless sleep. She can fill in a lot of the rest. "Was it consensual, Em?"
Emily closes her eyes, and Olivia wonders if she ever lets herself cry, even when she's alone. The older girl nods.
"J'aime bien les filles. Je veux dire…" Her French is halting, slower than the other couple of times Olivia has heard her speak it, and she can make out most of the words, so she lets Emily continue, knowing she wears the foreign language like a safety vest. "Ce que j'essaie de dire c'est que… je les aime. Je t'aime!" Emily blushes deeply. There is no misunderstanding or misinterpreting this confession, but Olivia doesn't say anything. She doesn't even look around, just squeezes Emily's hand, permission and encouragement. "Et j'essayais… j'essayais juste de… mais tout était tellement embrouillé. L'ambassadrice, elle… elle ne pouvait… et je n'avais pas la langue… mais. Je l'ai maintenant**."
"Did you say no?" Olivia asks again.
"No," Emily says. "I didn't. And…I didn't want to."
Olivia lets out the breath that she's been holding. "Okay," she says. "Okay."
"Do you forgive her?" Emily asks suddenly. "Your mother? Do you forgive her?"
Olivia blinks. "Sometimes." She puts her head on Emily's shoulder, slowly.
"Will I forgive myself?" She asks, whispering even though they are alone. "Will I be okay with my own inability? Ever?"
Olivia slips her arm through Emily's. She doesn't acknowledge when Emily starts to cry.
"Tell me the truth," Emily whispers. "Will I be forgiven?"
Olivia sighs. "Sometimes."
...
"After that summer, she changed. She changed with both of us, but mostly you, Jane."
JJ, sitting next to Jane, reaches out to squeeze her hand, glancing at Olivia in case this is a bad move. She smiles encouragingly.
Jane is staring down at the table. She looks furious, but Olivia knows that if there is anger in her processing it will be directed inward.
"She wanted to protect you. She wanted…she didn't want you see the ugly parts of the world. She thought you'd suffered enough already."
Jane takes a shaky breath that catches in her chest like a loose thread on a hook.
"Why didn't I see it?" She says, almost to herself. And then, "my father doesn't define me," with enough conviction that she could believe it. "I could have understood."
"You could have understood her rejection of you as a reflection of her?"
Jane hesitates.
"She's only ever wanted to protect you, Jane. She's only ever wanted to protect both of us. If she's wary of the doctor it's because she thinks that Maura will hurt you…the way she hurt you when we were kids. And you have been happy to be protected by her, you've been glad of it, for a long time."
Jane's head jerks up angrily, and she opens her mouth to protest, but Olivia stops her.
"It's not a bad thing, Jay. I'm not calling you weak. I know how you felt for Emily, okay? I know. But there is a day when you have to show her you can stand with her. Do you get that?"
Jane blinks, and Olivia can tell she's really trying.
"She could have told me," Jane says finally. "I would have understood."
Olivia shakes her head, trying to think of a new way to come at the discussion. JJ catches her eye, asking permission, and she nods.
"You know, Jane, Emily's told me quite a bit about your family. About your brothers." There is something so non-threatening about JJ that Jane doesn't even flinch at her words, just tilts her head a bit to show that she's listening, even if her eyes haven't come off her beer bottle.
"You…protected Frankie and Tommy from your father for a long time, right?"
A subtle move of the shoulders is all JJ gets, but she's a profiler like her wife, and Olivia can see her studying every aspect of Jane's body language, not just her face.
"When was the last time you protected Frankie from him?"
Jane picks at the beer bottle in her hands. "He doesn't need protecting anymore," she says gruffly. "He can stand up for himself."
Olivia nods, the perfect opening presenting itself. "Yeah, Jane…he became your equal, see? He's someone you can lean on now. Not someone you have to protect. He showed you that…somehow."
She doesn't ask for the exact moment that Frankie and Jane became a united front instead of a little brother in the shadow of his rescuer, but she can see that Jane is remembering it anyway.
For a little while, none of them speak, JJ keeps her hand on Jane's until the brunette gently pulls away. Olivia knows that Jane really likes JJ, she warmed to her almost instantly, and she was amazing with JJ's son Henry. Alex, the lawyer, with her clinical thinking and hard edges had been a harder sell. So Olivia is mildly surprised when it is Alex to whom Jane directs her next question.
"Can I ask you something, Counselor?"
Alex's eyes widen slightly behind her glasses. To an outsider, she looks caught off guard, but Oliva knows that she's been following the conversation with her own brand of laser focus, and will follow up with Olivia with her own questions and opinions when they are alone.
Now, brought into the spotlight, she calculates outcomes briefly before answering. "Of course," she says.
"You…love Liv, don't you?"
"Yes."
"A lot?"
Olivia watches her wife trying to see where this conversation is going. "Very, very much."
"Why?" she asks, and when JJ laughs and Olivia pulls a face, she hurries on. "No, I mean…what do you love about her. Why did you…fall in love with her?"
Alex considers this for long enough that Olivia thinks she will decline to answer. Then she smiles. "Because she understood me," she says. "We're so different in a lot of ways, and sometimes those ways are infuriating, and sometimes they are incredibly sexy. But I'm in love with Olivia because no matter what…there's an essential, critical part of her that is always in sync with me. I know that the things that are really, desperately important to me are going to be important to her too. And that's what holds us together."
Jane nods, though her brow stays knit.
"Jane," Alex says. "Do you love her?"
For a moment, Jane just stares down at the wood of their table. Then, with a big sigh, she starts to slide herself out of their booth.
"I'll be back okay?"
JJ's smile looks like it hurts, it's so big.
"We'll be right here," Olivia says.
"Thanks, Liv." Jane is gruff in her gratitude. Same as always.
"Go get her, tiger."
And with a huff and an eye roll, Jane heads for the door.
JJ excuses herself to take a drowsy Henry to the bathroom, and as they watch them walk away, Alex puts her hand on Olivia's knee.
"You are categorically amazing. Did you know that?"
Olivia chuckles, but Alex remains serious. "Honestly, Liv. Do those two understand how much they need you?"
"Yeah, they do," Olivia answers. "In their own way. And I need both of them just as much."
...
She falls in love with Alexandra Cabot over sushi she can't afford, using utensils she's never touched before in her life.
They are talking about her childhood friends, Emily and Jane, and Alex is listening with her usual intense attention, while lifting the delicate little circles of sushi to her mouth like it's the easiest thing in the world.
"So, Jane is the jock," she says between bites, "Emily is the goth…the bad ass. What does that make you?"
Olivia holds a chopstick in each hand, wondering if she will blow any romantic chance she has by stabbing her shrimp tempura like she's a knight battling a dragon.
"Um…" she says distractedly. "I don't know. I was kind of a," she transfers a chopstick so that she's holding them both in one hand, "I was sort of a jack of all trades when I was younger. Didn't zero in until I worked a case with SVU my second year on the force."
She looks up to see Alex watching her over the tops of her glasses, amused. "Do you want help?" she asks, clearly trying not to laugh.
"I want to figure it out," she says, "Anyway…Emily wanted FBI from jump. Jane…wanted to be like her family."
"Her father is on the force?" Alex asks, and she reaches across to reposition Olivia's hands. The pads of her fingers are cold and soft, gentle. Olivia wants to feel them on her face, and she blushes as the thought occurs to her.
"Thanks," she says weakly, losing her train of thought."What were you saying?"
Alex's smile is a knowing one. "Jane…you said she wanted to be like her family."
"Oh! Oh, yeah…I meant she wanted to be like Emily and I."
"Me." Alex interrupts smoothly.
"Me," Olivia accepts, grinning, Thinking of Emily. "She wanted to be like us. We're her family. She's like a sister to me. So she joined to be like us…but she's a damn good cop all on her own. She wouldn't change for anything."
"Ah," Alex says. "I see now."
Olivia succeeds in getting a piece of sushi balanced on her chopsticks, and she manages to get it halfway to her mouth before it falls back to her plate.
"Dang," she says. "It will be a shame to have to pay so much for something I can't even taste."
Alex's laugh is understated. It will take Olivia several months to confirm it as genuine. She replays the last couple of minutes and realizes what the counselor has said.
"Wait…what do you see?"
"What you are…to your little family group. I see now." Alex expertly picks up a piece of sushi and offers it to Olivia, who takes it in her mouth, surprised.
"Thanks," She says, and then when Alex doesn't answer, she prompts, "so what am I?"
"The good girl," Alex says simply. "The backbone even though you would never-there see, you're shaking your head right now." Alex laughs again. "But you are. You're the good one. The sweet one. The lifting one. I see it in you at work too. It's very attractive."
She lifts another piece of sushi to Olivia's mouth.
"It is?" Olivia asks, stunned. This is not the way she saw this going, not in a million years. "You think I'm attractive?"
Alex's blue eyes are mischievous. She bites her lip, lifts another piece of sushi.
Olivia is in love.
They come back in, eventually, Maura looking flushed and happy, Jane looking surprised and elated. Jane lets Maura slide into the booth first and then goes after her, putting a tentative hand in the middle of her back as they settle in.
"Okay?" Olivia asks.
Behind them, JJ meets Emily as she comes back from the bathroom, and Henry stretches his arms out to the brunette, who lifts him easily into her arms.
Jane grins, and spins in her seat to instruct one of the women to bring her another drink.
"Great," she says turning back.
"Everything is great."
**"I like girls [well]. I want[mean] to say… what I'm trying to say is that… I /love/ them. I /love/ you! And I was trying… I was just trying to… but everything was so confused. The ambassador, she… she could not… and I didn't have the language… but. I have it now."
...
...
Thanks to everyone hanging in with this story. Olivia chapters are a bit difficult for me to write, but I already have at least a third of Chapter 9 so that should come soon. I also dreamt about Protect Me, so I should get that out in the next couple too. Matiky, I think maybe this chapter will help a little in the disconnect you see. I'm really excited to play with these characters. As I've been working on this piece, it's been really interesting to see three shows that have very similar structures, but characters who really are very different. I'm seeing about 6 more chapters and an amazingly long epilogue (already written) for this fic. Hope you will all hang in. Luckypenguinbuddy, kbprincess, beanmeup, justsomeprettylightinthesky, killie64, Zarosguth, drisles, I hope this chapter satisfied.
happy reading
tc