Chapter Twenty Five – Creative Block
Marinette stares up at the fort ceiling, her eyes going in and out of focus. The only sound is Cat's rhythmic breathing, and whereas last night it put her to sleep, tonight it's not having the same effect on her. She'd like to put her insomnia down to not wanting to see Cat Blanc in her dreams again, but she knows it's more than that. There are several things more than that.
There's the continued aftermath of the Lila situation to get through tomorrow at school (and the next day, and the next week, and month, and maybe even the next year if her classmate's devotion to apologising is anything to go by). There's the pregnancy rumour that may or may not have gone away now that Lila's lies have been exposed – after all, she did have 'evidence' to validate her lie this time. There's the issue with bringing up the idea of a reveal with Cat, when she's Ladybug, and hoping that it doesn't change anything too much. There's still the whole Guardian thing and not knowing what the fuck she's doing and having next to no clue what she's supposed to do. Is she supposed to go to the temple in Tibet and give the miracle box back? Is she supposed to keep it? Is she supposed to give out Miraculous' to people to become her and Cat's allies?
She has too many questions and no answers, and no way to figure out those answers. She doesn't even know how to use half of the Miraculous', and she has no idea what she's going to do when she or Cat run out of the power enhancing treats, and she'll have to make up that potion without Master Fu and . . . it's just too much to handle.
Cat murmurs something in his sleep and she turns her head to look at him. The fairy lights are still on so she can see him pretty well, and she can see that his mask has shifted slightly and is a little lopsided. She considers fixing it, but she doesn't want to risk waking him. Just because she can't sleep doesn't mean he shouldn't be able to too. As she watches him, he nuzzles into the pillow he's lying on and curls into a tighter ball, his lips twitching in a smile and his eyes moving behind his 'lids. She assumes he's dreaming and hopes it's good.
Marinette shifts slightly and it must move something inside her because suddenly she needs to pee really badly. She lays still for a moment, not wanting to get up, before getting up and crawling out of the tent, deciding that maybe using the bathroom will make her tired somehow. Perhaps that's why she's awake, because she needs to pee?
After using the bathroom, she stays downstairs in the lounge room and stands in front of the windows with her arms wrapped around her middle, shivering in the coolness lingering in the apartment. Without the heat of the ovens on in the bakery the upstairs rooms often get quite cold at night, but during the day it's normally so hot it's almost unbearable, and they often have to have the air conditioning on even in the winter just so they don't accidentally cook themselves. In the last few weeks, however, Marinette's found it increasingly difficult to get warm. In fact, the only time she felt even remotely warm was last night when she was cuddled up with Cat. Obviously having another person to share body heat with is more efficient than having five different blankets on your bed.
Marinette's eyes wash over the city spread out in front of her. Although all she can see are the lights from the streets and buildings and the odd car, she still finds herself scanning the perimeter, looking for danger. Looking for him. She knows it isn't logical, but besides from when she actually fought him in the timeline, all the other times she's seen him have been at night, and she's not just talking about the time of day.
It's the weirdest thing. It's as if the moon is shining a spotlight on him and it enhances the whiteness of his suit to the point that it's almost blinding. He'll be steadily circling her, prowling around her like she's his prey. And she is. She is his prey. Even when he's far away she can feel his eyes on her, hear his breathing. And then his voice.
It's invades her mind, blocking out all her other senses, until the only thing she can hear, see, smell, touch, think is his voice. Our love did this, Marinette. It's like that scene in the Deathly Hallows, when Voldemort demands to be given Harry, only unlike then when she knew it was created through the use of special effects, when it happens to her it's so real because it was real and she knows that's it's not just going to go away. Not until she defeats him. Fights him. But she can't fight him. He's so strong and she's weak and useless and she needs him to fight but she doesn't have him because he's him and all she can do is stay still and pretend he can't see her until he's right in front of her and reaching for her earrings, demanding her Miraculous, and then she's running, only suddenly she isn't Ladybug, she's herself and she's up on the roofs and she can't run fast enough or leap far enough and she knows that one wrong move and she'll either be dead or he'll–
"Marinette?"
She jolts out of her thoughts and jumps back from the window. Her breathing is borderline hyperventilation and she can feel tears drying on her cheeks. She's hugging herself so tightly it's actually hurting, and when she releases herself to hold her hands out for Tikki to sit on they are shaking and her arms are numb from being clenched so tightly. Still she smiles, because Tikki can't know.
"Sorry. I got distracted." She continues to smile even as Tikki frowns at her, concerned. "I should go back up before Cat–"
"He's still asleep." Tikki cuts her off and hovers in front of Marinette's face to look her directly in the eye. Marinette wrings her hands together, but forces herself to hold Tikki's gaze, praying she doesn't see anything there. "What's going on Marinette?"
"What do you mean?"
Tikki purses her lips (do kwami's have lips?) and looks like she's debating whether to ruin the facade or not. "I think you know." She tilts her head, studying her holder who still refuses to give anything away. "I'm worried. You haven't been yourself lately."
"I'm fine Tikki. I've just got a lot of projects right now." She flashes Tikki another smile and goes to move around her to go back upstairs.
Tikki darts in front of her, stopping her from going anywhere. "You and I both know that you haven't had a project since before you became the guardian. You haven't even been designing! For as long as I've known you you've always been designing, even when you were bone tired and had a thousand other things to do." Tikki frowns at her, growing more and more worried as she spells it out for herself for the first time. It wasn't until now that she realised just how much Marinette has changed, and how worried she is for her holder. How did she not notice before?
"I'm just in a bit of a creative block, and I wasn't referring to my designing projects, I was talking about school." Marinette pinches the inside of her wrist, the jolt of pain that shoots up her arm grounding her. "I'm going to start Lycée in a few months, and I need to get ahead in case Hawk Moth starts rearing his ugly head even harder than before. I need to have as much work done now so I don't have to worry about it as much later. And I have to prepare for the brevet exam."
"Is that what you're going to do?" Tikki frowns at her, displeased. "Overload yourself with work to avoid a conflict?"
"I'm not avoiding a conflict." A hint of defensiveness flashes in her tone and she forces herself to take a breath. "You're always telling me how important school is, so if I can get ahead in my projects and I study now, by the time it gets to the brevet exam I will be well prepared to take it, akuma or no akuma." Her eyes suddenly feel very heavy and she sways a little, shifting her weight to one foot to hide it from her kwami. She doesn't need this interrogation to go on for any longer than it has to. "Look, Tikki, I get that you think I'm overworking myself but I'm fine. Really."
Tikki continues to frown, but it softens slightly. "You know you can talk to me, right?"
Nino flashes in Marinette's mind and she almost slaps herself. How did she forget that Tikki would've heard that entire conversation? She literally laid it all out in front of not only Nino, but also her kwami. How stupid could she be? Having one worried Cat and three worried friends is hard enough, but a worried kwami that she can never get away from and who will never stop giving her looks and bugging her with questions and scolding her until she snaps? How is she supposed to handle this?
Marinette loves Tikki – how could you not? – but sometimes the little bug is . . . a little bug–a–lugs. Kind of annoying. Especially when you're doing something she doesn't approve of. It's almost like having a mother for an imaginary friend, only she isn't imaginary and she's worse than a mother because she's small, she fits in your pocket, and she's always there. Seriously, how did she forget that?
Marinette smiles at Tikki again and plants a kiss on her forehead. "Of course. But there's nothing to worry about. I promise you."
. . .
Tikki finds Plagg curled up on the pillow Marinette placed him on, the empty plate of cheese next to him. She can hear the deep, even breathing of the kids on the floor, and she's confident that they won't be waking up any time soon. Hopefully not until she's spoken to Plagg. But first, she needs to wake him up, and wake him up quietly.
"Plagg?" She hisses in his ear, letting her antennae tickle him in the hopes of waking him. He twitches and curls into a tighter ball, muttering something under his breath that Tikki assumes is along the lines of 'camembert'. "Plagg, wake up."
He groans and blinks his eyes open briefly, before rolling over and seemingly going back to sleep. Tikki rolls her eyes, exasperated. She purses her lips and tilts her head, trying to think of how to wake him. Her eyes land on the plate and a devilish smile graces her lips.
"I suppose you don't want to finish your camembert. I'll just take this away." Picking up the plate, she doesn't even make it to the ladder before Plagg's up and blocking her path with his arms outstretched.
"Woah, woah, wo–where's the camembert?" He stares blankly down at the empty plate. Tikki grins and puts it back on Marinette's bed, before grabbing Plagg's arm and dragging him through the skylight.
"I need your help."
"I need camembert." Plagg glares at her and crosses his arms, clearly annoyed.
Tikki rolls her eyes. "M–bleh. Master gave you enough camembert to last you a year, you're good." Plagg continues to glare at her and he opens his mouth to retort, but she holds her paw up. "I need your help." She repeats.
"Unless it's with robbing a cheese store, you're on your own." He turns to go back inside, but Tikki grabs his tail, preventing him from leaving.
"Please. It's about Master."
Plagg sighs and turns to face Tikki, although she now has his full attention and he can feel his protectiveness for the princess flicker in his chest. "Can we not call her that? You know she doesn't like it."
"And you know I can't say her name until your holder knows her–"
"Yeah, yeah, whatever." He waves his paw dismissively. "I'm well aware of the rules. What about the princess? What do you need help with?"
Tikki's expression immediately becomes one of distress. "She's not opening up to me! I know she needs help, but she's not letting me in! She's put all of these walls up and they were never up before and I've never had trouble getting her to talk to me when she's anxious or stressed or upset but now it's like pulling teeth and I don't know what to do and I can't lose another Ladybug!" Tikki pants, arms still up in the air from when she was waving them around. Her outburst makes her weary and she drops down to flop back on the deckchair beside the skylight. "Help me, Plagg. Help me help her."