Chapter Thirty Seven – She Can't Destroy the Universe

"Adrien?" Marinette eventually says.

She doesn't know how much time has passed, but the cumulus cloud has moved out of their direct line of vision, and she can feel the shade creeping closer to them as the sun gets lower in the sky.

"Yeah?" He asks, rocking his head towards her.

She keeps her gaze on the sky only because she can't handle looking at him and seeing him react.

"How did you know all of the things Lila has done?" He inhales sharply but Marinette still doesn't look at him. Instead, she squeezes her eyes closed. "I get you know about the pregnancy rumour, but how do you know about everything else? I only told one person everything."

"U–Uh, um–" He clears his throat and pulls on his shirt collar.

He's starting to get hot and his heart's pumping like he's being chased by an akuma and he can feel sweat pooling on his hands. Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck she heard me. Of fuck, of shit, whatdoIdo? I don't know what to do! Do I lie? Run away? Question her back?

"H–How do you know I know?" His tone takes on a defensive note.

Adrenaline courses through Marinette as her fight or flight instincts kick in, but she forces herself to stay, to fight. She can't run away from this because that wouldn't be solving the problem, that would be avoiding it. Her lip trembles, her hands shake, tears prick in her eyes. Don't freak out. You're fine. It's okay. If you freak out he's going to think you're a nutcase and when he learns the truth you'll lose both your best friend and your partner and the boy you've fallen completely in love with without permission. Don't. Freak. Out.

Forcing herself to open her eyes and look at him, she meets his gaze as a tear escapes her eye and falls onto the grass beneath her. He blinks in surprise at the offending tear drop and swallows uneasily. He didn't mean to make her cry.

"I asked you first."

Whereas his voice was defensive, hers is weak. Pathetic. Desperate. She doesn't want him to answer any more than he does, but she needs him to. She needs to know. She needs to know that the ice she's standing on isn't about to crumble beneath her and send her plummeting into the freezing cold water that lays in waiting below.

They stare at each other, begging the other to say something, anything, that prevents this conversation from continuing. Marinette blinks and Adrien blinks back in response as if it's a reflex, and if he's who her head thinks he is then it is, because everything with them is a reflex. Automatic. In sync. They have to be if they want to survive.

And that's why she needs to know.

"I only told one person everything." Marinette repeats, eyes boring into Adrien's soul so heavily he can feel them. "One."

"N–Nino?" Adrien asks, hoping, preying, that he can somehow find an out. A way to get out of the hole he's dug. He can't let Marinette know he's Cat Noir. Not only will it betray her trust, Ladybug will also kill him for being so careless with his identity.

Marinette shakes her head. "He knows she's lying, and he knows about the . . . advice you gave me. But he defiantly doesn't know what Lila did to me."

Adrien cringes at the mention of his ill–placed advice. At the time he thought it was the right decision, that if they stopped reacting she'd eventually stop. He had no idea she'd go so far as to threaten his princess.

"You told him that?" Now his voice is weak. He bites his lip nervously. Nino still hasn't said anything about how he came to knew about the advice, and he supposes it's not that important but Adrien still wants to know.

Marinette shrugs. "He wanted to know why I didn't do anything." They lapse into silence again and she frowns, stare hardening, forcing his soul open. "Adrien."

"I . . . I . . . I . . ." He opens and closes his mouth, doing a marvellous impression of a fish, and Marinette raises an eyebrow, not impressed. "I, uh, y–you, um . . ." He squeezes his eyes closed but forces his head to stay turned towards her. He doesn't want her to think he's putting his back to her in her time of need. Because she needs him. Her eyes say so.

"Are you Cat Noir?"

Marinette's voice is so quiet she can barely hear it herself, but Adrien's eyes still shoot open like she'd leaned forward and shouted it directly into his eardrum. His face goes completely white and all he can do is stare at her in complete shock. If it wasn't for the way his eyes wash over her face, trying to figure out what she's feeling, she may have mistaken him for being dead because he's so still.

NONONONONONONONONO! Adrien's mind screams at him. He literally feels his heart stop before it starts pumping wildly. So much blood rushes through his head it makes him dizzy and he has to squeezes his eyes shut and let the darkness wash over him so he can think properly again. Ladybug is going to kill me! He groans and rolls away from Marinette, onto his stomach, and buries his head in his now folded arms.

She wasn't supposed to find out this way! He was supposed to reveal his identity to Ladybug and then broach the subject of asking if he could reveal himself to Marinette. He wasn't supposed to reveal himself to Marinette first! She can't know before Ladybug! Ladybug will be so mad and feel so betrayed and she'll take his Miraculous away and he'll lose Plagg and his partner and his best friend and Marinette will never talk to him again and she'll definitely switch to home schooling just so she can get away from him and it's all is fault! Why wasn't he more careful? Why didn't he just talk to Nathalie later, when Marinette wasn't there? Why didn't he keep checking to make sure the bathroom door stayed shut, or that his voice was still quiet?

Why does everything in his life that makes him happy constantly have a risk of leaving him?

"Adrien?"

Marinette's unsure of what to do. Does she hug him? Give him some space? Leave? Get him some macaroons? Find Plagg to talk to him? Reveal that she's Ladybug? Say she's in love–NO! She can't tell him she loves him because he can't love her because their love destroyed the universe and she. can't. destroy. the. universe!

Hesitantly, as if afraid that she's going to spring forward and attack him, Adrien lifts his head from his arms until one eye is peaking out, half–hidden by his hair and arms. His eyes are filled with tears and haunted by his blatant fear. Marinette swallows uneasily and squeezes her own eyes shut, covering them with her eyes and she turns her head to face the sky again.

Her world has crumbled. She's under the ice. Drowning. He doesn't want her. He can't have her. He will never love her. She's the reason the universe was destroyed. She's taken the only means he has of being himself away from him with her dumb, stupid question.

She can feel the water washing over her, pulling her deeper and deeper into its darkness. Her entire body is numb. She's so cold she's not even shivering anymore. Her heart feels like a stone in her chest, stopping her from breathing. Water fills her nose. Her mouth. Her ears and her eyes. Her dress clings to her like a second skin, growing heavier and heavier as more and more water soaks into her, dragging her under. She doesn't want to open her eyes. She doesn't want to see the sky tell her goodbye.

If she opens her eyes she has to see all of the disappointed faces of those she couldn't protect staring back at her. Mum, Dad, Cat Noir, Tikki, Wayzz, Plagg, Master Fu, Grandma, Grandpa, Nino, Adrien, Kagami, Chloé, Alya, Rose, Juleka, Mylène, Ivan, Nathaniel, Marc, Alix, Max, Sabrina, Kim, Luka, Ms Bustier, everyone. Everyone she's ever known, ever met. She can't look at them. She can't stand seeing them seeing her, seeing she's a disappointment, a failure, drowning. She can't see them watch her struggle and do nothing because they know she isn't worth saving.

She's the only one who can save herself.

But she can't. She can't, she can't, she can't. She's cold and soaked and so, so tired. She is so tired. Even if she wanted to she wouldn't be able to fight. There's no fight left in her. All of her fight was saved up for Hawk Moth. For defeating him. And she couldn't even do that. Master Fu gave her one job, one thing to do, and she couldn't even do that and now he's gone and she'll never see him again and she's the guardian and there are nineteen beings depending on her and she's failed them.

What's that saying? 'When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on'? She doesn't have enough rope to tie a knot, and even if she did, she doesn't have the strength to hang on.

"Mari?"

His voice sounds like he's under water and her eyes shoot open, half expecting that to be the case. Adrien's rolled onto his side beside her and has a hand on either side of her head, his face hovering over hers with a look of worry etched into his expression. His legs are curled against hers and his knee is digging into her leg just below her knee almost painfully.

"Pri–Mari? Are you okay?"

The more he talks the clearer his voice gets until it's back to normal.

The wind blows and she shivers, curling in on herself a little more. She can feel tears drying on her cheeks and she sniffs, reaching a hand up to try and wipe them away in vain. Adrien shifts above her and his hip comes into contact with hers. He leans his weight on one hand and uses the other to brush her fringe from her eyes. His fingers drift down to her cheek until he's cupping her face gently, thumb stroking the dried tears away.

She's surprised she's not a blushing, fumbling mess right now, but all she can manage is to blink at him in surprise and keep eye contact. She's too tired for anything else, and laying on the ground is surprisingly comfortable.

"I'm okay," She hears herself say, although she wasn't aware until she hears her voice that she was even going to talk. "I'm fine." She forces a smile.

Adrien stares at her and his frown deepens. No you're not, he wants to say, but the words get stuck in his throat. Tears keep brimming in her eyes and he watches one run down the side of her cheek and land in her hair. He wipes the wet trail it left behind away with his thumb, not breaking his eye contact with her.

She continues to stare up at him, lips parted slightly and breathing a little loud as if she can't get enough oxygen in with each breath. Her chest rises and falls between them and he can feel her brush against his chest with every inhale. It's only the slightest of pressure, but even that small brush of the feeling of her causes heat to pool in his stomach and groin.

Marinette watches as Adrien's cheeks start to turn red and the way he presses his lips firmly together, as if to prevent something from coming out. As her eyes move from his mouth back to his eyes, he drops down from his hand to his elbow, letting his fingers curl in her hair slightly. She can feel the slight pull when he threads his fingers through it. He's half laying on her now, their chests touching and his legs pressed against her own. She can feel something hard in his pocket digging into her hip, and she angles her hips away from him a little so they're no longer in contact.

His eyes remain locked with hers, even as his flush continues to darken the longer they stare at each other. The only time he breaks eye contact is to look down at her lips and then back up at her eyes, and every time he does so he leans a little closer to her until their breaths intermingle and the ends of their noses brush against each other. Adrien's a little cross–eyed due to his close proximity and as she tries to focus on him her vision goes fuzzy and makes her eyes water for a reason that isn't her tears, so she closes them.

Her heart is pounding in her chest to the point that she's sure he can feel it. A headache forms from one temple to about halfway across her forehead. Now that Adrien's so close to her his chest is pressed flush against hers and she finds it a little hard to breathe. Her hands are still over her stomach, in between them, and she's sure he can feel them shaking. His breath is warm against her skin, and her body is warm where it's pressed against his but everywhere else is freezing and she can't stop shaking and she can't open her eyes and she can't breathe and–

His lips brush against hers, light as a feather, and her entire body stops for a split second. She even stops shaking. Then it's like her nerves are pushed into overdrive and suddenly it's ten times worse.

Her entire body starts quivering and she curls in on herself, pushing him away at the same time as she rolls onto her side and curls into a little ball, hugging her arms around her middle. She can hear him talking, apologising, asking if she's okay. His hand is on her shoulder, shaking her lightly, trying to get her to look at him, talk to him, stop shaking.

"I–I'm sorry princess, I didn't, I wasn't trying to . . . I'm sorry."

His voice breaks through the fog, and she can't tell if it's just how he's talking or if she's still having trouble hearing him, but his words are scrambled, his voice high in panic.

"Princess? Princess, talk to me! Please!" Adrien can feel tears in his eyes, threatening to spill over.

Whereas before he felt he was on fire he now feels like someone's dumped a bucket of ice water on his head. This is his fault. He should've had more control over his emotions and his actions. He doesn't know exactly what came over him, and he doesn't know exactly why she's freaking out so much, but he knows it's his fault.

She mumbles something and he frowns, leaning over her so their faces are close and he can hear her.

"Princess? What was that? What did you say?"

His chest is pressed up against her back and he can feel her shaking. Unsure if it's from the cold or not, he starts rubbing her arm, creating friction. She tenses up at the contact and curls in on herself further, but after a moment she relaxes a little more and leans back against his chest firmly.

"Princess?"

Without opening her eyes, she squeezes them shut even more and tilts her head away from him, as if trying to bury it in the grass beneath them. Her lips part and he leans closer to her again, wanting to hear her this time.

"I'm drowning."