Chapter Thirty Eight – Hot Chocolate Weather

Marinette clutches her mug in both hands, watching the hot chocolate inside swirl around due to her still shaking hands.

She's a lot better now. She can breathe properly and her whole body is no longer vibrating uncontrollably. Her lips are quivering, but Nathalie assured her that will go away once she's warm. Hence the hot chocolate.

She's never been inside Adrien's kitchen before but she isn't surprised to see that it's fairly modern and has quite expensive appliances. The room is a rectangle with the entrance (double doors) on one of the short ends, and the double stainless–steel fridge directly opposite on the other. There's an Island in the middle with stools on one side that light from the garden shine onto through the two windows. An oven and stove top are positioned in the middle of the long wall (opposite the windows) and directly opposite that, on the island, is an industrial sized sink. Another oven and a microwave are built into the wall beside the fridge, and surrounding all of the appliances are those cupboards and draws that open when you push on them.

Marinette looks back at her drink and watches the liquid swirl around for a moment longer before taking a sip. It's still a little too hot, but she doesn't mind. On the stool beside her, Adrien shifts slightly and his knee bumps against hers. The fact that she doesn't jump at the contact could either be a sign that her nerves have officially calmed down or that she's just too tired or too numb to react to anything right now.

"Are you okay?" Adrien asks softly, tentatively. His hands are around his own mug, but he's resting his on the bench, having already finished it. "Have you ever had a panic attack before?"

Marinette purses her lips and sits her mug back on the bench, tucking her hands under her thighs on the stool beneath her. She swings her legs back and forth slightly. "Never like that." She finally says, glancing at Adrien nervously before looking away.

Adrien nods and hooks his finger on the handle of his mug, using it to spin it around in circles. It's makes an unpleasant grinding sound as it moves along the bench, but it fills the otherwise silent room with noise so he doesn't mind.

"How long have you been having them?"

Adrien, himself, has had quite a few over the years. His usually result in him taking a run around the city to calm his nerves and make himself feel better. And so he can get out of the prison known as his bedroom. The first one was the day his mother left, right after his father told him the news. He climbed out his window and landed on his leg funny, spraining his ankle, but he didn't pay it any mind and ran to Chloé's so she could distract him, but he ended up running up and down the stairwell until the Gorilla came to find him an hour later and took him home instead.

He still doesn't know what his father was more annoyed about: his sprained ankle or the fact that he ran away.

Marinette shrugs slightly. "I don't know. They've never been this bad before. Usually when I'm overwhelmed I tend to freak out and come up with all sorts of scenarios and that leads to a panic attack." She looks at Adrien and her cheeks flush slightly. "Alya and Nino are the only ones who know I have them."

Adrien frowns and turns in his chair to face her properly, resting his feet on the rung of her chair. "Your parents don't know?"

She shrugs again. "Not that I'm aware of."

They lapse into silence and Marinette stares down into her mug. Now that it's not moving the liquid inside is still but she still watches it, letting her eyes go out of focus and her brain to empty.

Adrien keeps his gaze on her, staring at her profile. Her hair is tucked behind her ear, allowing him to see her face properly, and sure enough he finds himself staring at her lips again. It's still so surreal to know that he kissed her (on the mouth!) but at the same time it's kind of like it didn't happen. It only lasted three seconds at the most, and it was barely more than a brush of lips. Unlike when he kissed her cheek and forehead, the feeling of her lips on his disappeared the second he pulled away. There's no lingering feeling, no tingling sensation. He supposes it could be because of the events that occurred right after, but he'd think he would still be able to feel something.

All he really remembers super clearly is that her lips were cold against his, and that she didn't kiss him back.

That was part of why the kiss was so light. He didn't want to seem too pushy or scare her away so he kept it light so she'd be able to make the choice to deepen it, not him. When she pushed him away and rolled away from him he felt his heart shatter, but then he realised she was shaking to the point she was practically vibrating and the remains of his heart plummeted straight to the centre of the earth.

He's not entirely sure of what she meant by 'I'm drowning', but he remembers the way she described it to him before, when he was Cat, and he remembered that holding her helped her then and he figured it might've helped her in that instance too.

He's sure Plagg thinks that he was lying and that he had ulterior motives when he laid down and hugged her (spooned her, actually, as Plagg pointed out while Marinette was distracted watching Nathalie make them hot chocolate, ignoring the fact that it isn't really hot chocolate weather anymore), but he didn't. All he thought was that when he was freaking out all he really wanted was for someone to hold him, and that last time she was upset hugging her helped so maybe it would work this time?

It did. Kind of. She stopped shaking so violently eventually, but then she started crying and apologising and then Nathalie appeared out of nowhere and ushered them into the kitchen (which the cook had vacated for the time being until he had to be back at five to cook dinner) and then she made them hot chocolate and talked to Marinette and told her what she was having was a panic attack and that if she focused on her breathing or counting or thinking about something that relaxes her she would eventually be able to calm herself down.

Adrien's sure holding something solid like the mug helped as well, because it was only when Nathalie passed it to her before returning to her work with the instructions for Adrien to fetch her if they need her again that her breathing returned to normal and she, for the most part, stopped shaking.

"I'm sorry I told Nathalie about Lila." Adrien eventually says, making Marinette jump slightly at the sound of his voice in the silent room. "I should've gotten your permission first."

Marinette gapes at him, eyes flicking over his face as if to look for answers, before she meets his eye. "It's okay."

"It is?" He asks hopefully, leaning towards her eagerly.

Marinette feels a twinge of guilt in her heart, but she forces herself to keep talking. "Yeah. That wasn't the part I minded."

Instantly Adrien's expression drops and he leans back. "Oh."

Marinette studies him, taking in his expression, his stance. Everything's starting to make sense now, and she's not sure if she's entirely okay with it or not, but that's how her life has been going as of late. It doesn't matter if she's okay with it or not, it's going to happen anyway.

The friend Cat referred to wasn't a friend but himself, so of course he knew what was happening with her. He thought she had a prince because everyone thought (thinks?) that she and Luka were together. He tensed up when Kagami called and whenever one of them mentioned his name. He already knew Nino was texting her which was why his voice had a strange knowing tone to it. Cat said he didn't have much for dinner and Marinette now knows that Adrien doesn't have much for dinner. Cat was scared of his dad's reaction to him being home late the other night, and he always leaves supper early in the morning.

Hell, Cat has Gabriel brand pyjamas, blonde hair and green eyes, and he believed that Adrien's highroad advice should've worked. How did it take me this long to figure it out?

Although, she supposes, he hasn't figured out I'm Ladybug yet, so I'm not the only idiot.

"I'm not mad at you, kitty." She says. It takes a moment, but then Adrien's head swivels around to look at her so fast he almost falls off his stool. She giggles slightly. "You look like a stunned mullet."

"I feel like a stunned mullet. And a stupid mullet." He scratches the back of his neck, glancing away from her. "I'd kind of hoped you would've . . ." He gestures vaguely with his hand, indicating her panic attack and that he hoped she'd forgotten who he is.

Marinette shakes her head. "I'm surprised I didn't see it earlier. I mean, you look the same, you sound the same, you both scratch the back of your head when you're nervous, you knew what was going on at school, you like puns . . ." She shrugs. "I honestly can't see Cat having been anyone but you."

Adrien smiles shyly. "Thank you, I think?" He swallows nervously and fiddles with his fingers in his lap. "I'm sorry I lied to you."

"You didn't lie to me, Adrien." He looks up at her, biting his lip nervously. "You were protecting your secret. Just like I was." She smiles at him softly, reaching out and taking his hand, interlacing their fingers.

He smiles down at their joined hands before looking back at her. "Yeah. I'm still sorry about telling Nathalie. I should've talked to you first."

But Marinette's already shaking her head. She gives his hand a squeeze, turning in her seat to face him properly. Like this, their knees are in between each other's and their entwined hands are resting on his knee.

She smiles. "That's not the secret I'm referring to, chaton."

Adrien blinks at her, before frowning in confusion. 'Chaton'? Why is she calling me 'chaton'? Only Ladybug calls m–ooh . . .

Well that makes sense.

Actually . . .

No. No, no it doesn't. If Marinette is Ladybug then why is she also Multimouse? She couldn't be two superheros at the same time. Plus Marinette is clumsy and shy and very self–conscious, while Ladybug is the exact opposite. But then Marinette is also brave and selfless and for fuck's sake he's called her their class' everyday Ladybug on multiple occasions!

Oh, she must've felt the irony of that so hard!

Plus didn't Ladybug say that she was clumsy? Madly clumsy? When they first met? Yes, yes she did, I remember that now. And Ladybug is passionate and Marinette is passionate and creative and Ladybug's kwami is the kwami of creation and holy shit they look exactly the same!

All Marinette does to turn into Ladybug is basically put on a ladybug onesie and attach a mask. That's it! Nothing else! At least he changes his hair style, Marinette doesn't even do that.

Adrien shakes his head in disbelief, running his fingers through his hair as every single encounter he's ever had with Ladybug and Marinette come back to him and he watches the two most important girl's in his life blend into one and oh my God, how did I not see this before?

Marinette watches the emotions in Adrien's eyes change as he sits in contemplation. She takes the fact that he's still holding her hand as a good sign, and when his shoulders eventually sag and he meets her eyes, cheeks flushing darkly when he realises she's been watching him the whole time, her nerve endings relax for the first time in weeks and she almost slides off the stool in relief.

"So," She presses her lips together and taps her fingers against her thigh nervously, glancing at him and then away as she thinks. She smiles sheepishly. "Tempest?"