Chapter Forty – One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

Gabriel's office door shuts behind them with a soft thud. Adrien looks at Marinette expectantly, waiting for that happy squeal to escape her. He's met with a blank look and glazed over eyes, and immediately takes her hand and leads her to his room, putting her backpack on the floor beside his bed as he shuts the door behind them.

"Mari, what's wrong? If you feel that Father's putting too much pressure on you, we can talk to Nathalie and she'll–"

"Adrien, I have to tell you something." She cuts him off, meeting his gaze with haunted eyes.

Adrien's words die on his tongue. He swallows nervously and wrings his hands together, looking at the floor between them. He nods, steeling himself for what he knows is coming. Every time Ladybug wanted to talk it always ended with his heart broken. It hurt, and yeah, he sulked for a while, but he did eventually move on from the pain of rejection. If Marinette rejects him though (and he knows she will, because if she doesn't like him as Cat Noir than she won't like him as Adrien), his heart won't only break: it'll shatter. It will destroy him, and he won't be able to just force a smile, jump over a few rooftops, sulk through an akuma attack or two, and then move those feelings on.

He won't be able to just grin and bear it, but he'll try. For her.

"Before you do," Adrien says as a last chance to stop the inevitable – the thing that's been playing on his mind since he found out who Ladybug is. "Can I just say that you are my best friend, and the greatest, most fantastic partner in crime–fighting anyone could ever ask for." He flashes her his Cat Noir smile, hoping it hides the fear in his eyes.

Marinette smiles. "That title belongs to you, kitty, but thank you. But I have to–"

"When I got my Miraculous I was in a really dark place." Adrien continues, talking over her.

He's on a roll now. He's jumped out of the plane and falling through the sky and he's pretty sure he has a parachute. If not, hopefully Marinette's there in her Ladybug suit with her yoyo to catch him.

"Mother had just gone, Father had locked himself away in his office, my only friend was Chloé – which you can agree with me on wasn't the greatest friendship to have – and I had been unable to successfully get to school without the Gorilla and Nathalie catching me." He's pacing now, walking a few steps left and then spinning around and going right.

"Adrien–"

"And then boom!" He blows air out his mouth and throws his hands wide, as if to mime an explosion. Marinette blinks at him in surprise, stunned. "Ivan turned into Thing from Fantastic Four and poof! There was a box on my coffee table with a magical black cat with the power of destruction inside." He grins at her, coming to a stop for a moment before spinning around and continuing his pacing.

Marinette holds a finger up. "I don't think Ivan would appreciate you comparing him to Th–"

"And that box started the happiest time of my life. I got to break out of my prison, be myself, fight evil." His gaze goes back to her and his expression softens as he takes her in for what must be the millionth time. "And I got to be with you. In more ways than one, apparently." He laughs quietly at the level of obliviousness they seem to have been stuck on for so long.

"Adrien," Marinette sighs, looking back at the ground to avoid his gaze. His expression. His love.

"I'm not finished yet." He tells her, but he doesn't mean with his speech.

In three steps he's in front of her and taken both her hands in his, holding them between them and lightly stroking the back of her hand with his thumb. They both stare down at their hands, afraid to look each other in the eye for different reasons and also the same exact reason.

"My Lady," Adrien swallows nervously and Marinette squeezes her eyes closed. "Mari, I . . . I lo–"

"Do you remember Saint Athanasius day? When I gave you your beret?" She interrupts, talking so fast she's surprised the words don't tumble over each other.

Adrien frowns, confused, but nods anyway. "Yeah, of course. What about it?"

Marinette inhales a deep breath and squeezes Adrien's hands, anchoring herself. "I lied to you. The beret isn't from your fan club in Brazil, it's from me. But I had to lie because if I didn't you would've found out my identity, become akumatised and then destroyed the universe."

Adrien's mouth drops open and his grip on her hands goes slack, before he tightens it and leans towards her, frowning. "What are you talking about? How would a beret do that? Why would I get akumatised?"

"I don't know." Tears form in her eyes and she tilts her head back, blinking them away. "But you were, and Bunnix found me and took me into an alternate timeline where Paris was flooded and the moon was gone and you were there all by yourself except you weren't you, you were Cat Blanc."

"Cat Blanc?" He questions, and she shudders, curling in on herself. Adrien purses her lips and tightens his grip on her hands. "Mari?"

"Your suit was white," She continues, focusing her gaze on the collar of his jumper, where his bell would be if he were transformed. "And your e–eyes were blue. Y–You were crying but you kept smiling and saying my name. My real name." She squeezes her eyes shut and whimpers slightly, all too aware of how intensely Plagg, Tikki and Wayzz are listening in on their conversation from wherever they're hiding.

"So," Adrien swallows nervously and wets his lips. "In this alternate timeline I was akumatised from Adrien int–"

"No," Marinette shakes her head. "You were Cat Noir when you were akumatised. It was in your bell."

"The akuma?" She nods and he releases a breath through his teeth, making a hissing sound. "Okay, I was akumatised into this . . . Cat Blanc persona, and I knew your identity . . ." His eyes widen and he looks at her desperately. "I wasn't akumatised because I learnt your identity, was I?"

She shrugs helplessly, lips quivering as tears escape her closed eyes and run down her cheeks. "I–I don't know, but I don't think so. You expected me to know your identity too, and you said that I didn't love you anymore, and that Hawk Moth found out about everything, and you said that our love was what destroyed everything." She inhales a deep breath shakily, forcing her eyes to meet his. "And Hawk Moth and I were dead."

There's a beat of silence and Adrien is sure his heart has stopped. 'Dead'? What does she mean 'dead'? How is that possible? "How d–did y–you . . ." He presses her lips together, and again she shrugs.

"I only saw it for a moment, because I fell into the water, but we were at the Eiffel tower, and it kind of looked like we'd been fossilised, but when I touched me – the other me – I disintegrated, like I was made of a–ash."

Adrien's blood runs cold and he drops her hands, stepping back from her. "I cataclysmed you?"

Marinette shakes her head hastily. "It wasn't you, though! It wouldn't have been! I know you; you would never hurt me! You–"

"Weren't there!" Adrien cuts her off, clenching his hands into fists at his sides. "You weren't there for that so you don't know what happened. I–I killed you!"

"No!" Marinette shouts, stepping forward and wrapping her arms around him tightly, less of a hug and more of a desperate attempt to hold onto him. "No." She says again, softer. "Cat Blanc isn't you. He's a product of Hawk Moth's power and control. He isn't you. You're nothing like him. Trust me. I fought him; I see him every time I go to sleep; I saved him."

Slowly, his arms wrap around her and he leans the top of his head against hers. They're both quivering, trying not to cry, trying not to let their demons appear and ruin everything.

"If this happened on Saint Athanasius day, why are you only telling me now?" Adrien murmurs quietly.

Forcing back a sob, Marinette buries her nose in Adrien's neck and blinks back another wave of tears. "I–I couldn't. I couldn't say anything." She sniffs and clutches the fabric of his jumper, tightening her arms around his waist in the process.

"Why?" Adrien asks, but he already suspects the answer.

"It would make it real."

They stand in silence, just holding each other. Slowly, ever so slowly, the whole story comes out – in the right order – of how she made him the beret, transformed into Ladybug, ran into Bunnix, went through the portal, fought Cat Blanc, went back in time to erase her name – and the timeline – from existence, and then vowed to never speak of it again in order to save them both the heartache. She also tells him about her nightmares, how almost every night since she's seen him, heard his voice, seen those eyes.

"That's one of the reasons." She murmurs, nuzzling her nose against Adrien's collarbones.

His hands cease their gentle caressing of her back as his confusion at her statement sets in, before he remembers that talk in her room on Monday night, when she finally told him just how badly Lila's lies affected her (along with his oh so shitty advice).

"Are there any more?" He buries his nose in her soft hair and inhales the smell of her berry shampoo, letting his eyes slide closed as his mental exhaustion sinks in.

He contemplates moving them to the couch or his bed so they don't have to stand, but afraid that that may be either too inappropriate (especially in Nathalie walks in to check on them) or mean Marinette will break her hold on him, he decides against it.

"Master Fu," She says so quietly Adrien almost misses it, but as soon as the name registers in his mind he wants to slap himself.

Of course Marinette, who is Ladybug, would be struggling right now! She just lost Master Fu a few months ago, and Adrien knows that the two of them were a hell of a lot closer than Adrien and him were (for obvious – guardian – reasons). He knows that Ladybug has been struggling for some time. The run across Paris proved that just a few days ago. And he remembers that it was after Master Fu left that Marinette's emotional state began to decline. Not that he noticed at first, he only recognised it because Kagami pointed out that Marinette seemed sadder than usual, and then Nino said something about 'one step forward, two steps back', and then he couldn't help but notice that something was off with her. That's why he visited her as Cat Noir, because he knew she was always more comfortable around his superhero self than his civilian.

It wasn't much of a visit, really. She was watering the plants on her balcony when he, literally, dropped in on her with some pun or another, scaring the socks right off of her, and then he made up some excuse for why he was there – something about his 'kitty senses', as she so elegantly put it weeks later, although he doesn't actually remember using that term (although he wouldn't put it past himself).

He remembers a lot of sarcasm and rolling of eyes and dismissals on her part, but she didn't shoo him away or tell him to leave or seem overly uncomfortable by his presence, so he stayed. They talked about one thing or another – nothing important – and he got to enjoy the sassy side of Marinette he hardly got to see as Adrien. He didn't find out why she had changed, why she was sad, why she didn't hang out with them as much at school anymore, but that was fine, he told himself, because he'd just come back again and find out then.

Needless to say, that didn't happen, and what started as a visit or two a week on her balcony (which usually went for less than half an hour), turned into every other night for longer than initially planned, then when it got colder and the nights got darker, she invited him inside. After that, he visited her every night he could spare. They talked, laughed, played games, he helped her with homework sometimes, ate macarons (although, thinking back on it, he does remember that it was more often than not just him eating them, as unfortunately Marinette had always already brushed her teeth), and just hung out in general.

All the while, Ladybug pushed him further and further away. And Adrien's finally starting to see why.

"Did Master Fu know? About Cat Blanc?" His voice cracks on his akumatised persona's name, and he coughs to clear it.

Marinette shrugs slightly. "I didn't tell him, so unless Tikki or Bunnix did, I doubt it."

Adrien purses his lips. "Wasn't that against the rules? Wasn't he supposed to know everything?"

Again, Marinette shrugs. "It was hard to tell with Master Fu. I mean, for the first few months we had our Miraculous we didn't even know there was a guardian or that Master Fu existed." She inhales a shaky breath and tightens her grip on Adrien's jumper. "I understand why his rules were in place, and why they were important to him. Master Fu made plenty of mistakes over the years, made decisions and choices that cost him lives – his own and others' – and his sole purpose in life was to protect the miracle box and make sure that nothing ever happens to it. Ever."

She sniffs and unwinds an arm from around Adrien to rub her nose before hugging him tightly again. Adrien returns the favour, squeezing her middle and shifting his stance slightly as his feet start to hurt from standing in one spot for so long, the movement making them sway from side to side slightly.

"And some of his rules – the identity one, for example – kept us safe. I mean, think about how many akumas we've fought and how many where one or both of us could easily have been hit and been under their power."

"Or when I was reckless and was under their power." Adrien says bitterly, but Marinette shakes her head.

"Not your fault. Not entirely, at least. Think about how new we were to fighting at those times, and think about how young we were. Still are. We're children fighting in a war that we don't know if we can even win. It wasn't fair of Master Fu to burden us with these powers and this task, no matter how right we are for the roles."

Adrien releases a heavy breath and continues rubbing Marinette's back, finding the motion of doing so relaxing. "I never asked you, but do you even want to be Ladybug?" Marinette stills against him, and he swallows audibly. "I–I mean, I know you like helping people and you are so right in the fact that you are made to be Ladybug, that you are Ladybug, but if you had the choice . . . would you want to be?"

The room is so silent that you could hear a pin drop. Marinette's arms go slack around Adrien, and then she slowly and gently pulls away from him so she can look him in the eye. She shivers at the loss of his body heat against her, but she needs to look him in the eye, for him to look her in the eye.

Because the truth is, she doesn't think she would.