Olivia's POV

"What were you thinking?" Fitz demands, his voice low.

The turns away from me, facing the wooden border of the fence. He runs his hands through his wavy, light brown hair and just stays there, facing the early afternoon sun on the horizon.

I cross my arms. Fitz came home around five minutes ago and he confronted me right away. He didn't talk about the Senate bid or anything - he just smiled weakly at Savannah and Karen, discreetly took me by the arm and marched me over to the backyard deck, where we are now. "Fitz, I can explain -"

"No," he cuts me off, inhaling. He still doesn't face me. "You have let me down. Time after time, you have lied. And I always forgave you. I never held a grudge, not once."

I roll my eyes, not because I am annoyed, but because I'm afraid I am gonna start crying. "You want me to forgive you?"

"What?" Fitz scoffs, finally turning around. "No. I don't need forgiving. I haven't done anything wrong. You went behind my back. What - did you think I wasn't going to find out? Am I an idiot to you, Liv?"

I shake my head - now my turn to face away. He's right. I went behind his back - I lied. I have lied so many times that at this point, it's hard to keep track. I don't feel good about that, you know? But I don't know how to explain how I feel or why I do the things that I do.

Luckily, he doesn't even give me the opportunity. He goes on, his voice quiet but fast and angry. "I just don't understand why. You don't know Mellie. You don't know what she's capable of. You would be so reckless to put Karen in a situation to get hurt...again?"

I take a deep breath. "I didn't do this in spite of Karen, you know that. I did this for her. Fitz, she needs closure and-"

"Don't!" Fitz holds up his hand, actually yelling now. "Don't tell me what Karen needs. You have been here for what, a week? You don't have the slightest idea as to what my daughter needs. You are not her-"

"I'm not her what?" I demand. "I'm not her Mom? Say it, Fitz. I know you want to."

That shuts him up. His face is still red and his neck veins are still popping but he swallows and exhales. He turns back around and presses his palms against the flat part of the wooden railing. I am about to go back through the screen door before he speaks up again - his voice hollow. "Liv, stop. I didn't mean it like that."

"Why not?" I swallow, walking towards him. I stop so I am just right in front of his back. "It's the truth. I'm not her Mom. She...has a mom. And she deserves to see her again. To say goodbye."

Fitz waits a minute before turning around. The rims of his eyes are wet and red. As his voice breaks, so does my heart. I have never seen a man as big and strong as Fitz break down. It really hurts. "Liv...I don't know what to do..."

"It's okay," I put my arms around his neck and just hold him.

"No," Fitz tightly wraps his arms around me. "No, it's not. Whatever I do, I-I make the wrong choice..."

"No," I curl my fingers through his hair. He bends his head down so it's on my shoulder and continues crying. My shoulder is probably soaked but I don't care. I would stay with him like this all night if I had to. "Fitz, shh. It's okay."

"I...I didn't take the job," Fitz mumbles against the crook of my neck. "I didn't take the job because I didn't want to tear apart this family. But...you don't trust me. You go behind my back. You don't...think. I don't need to try to fix this family, Liv. You already destroyed it."

It literally feels like he just stabbed my chest by saying that. I never meant for that to happen. I never meant for him to find out, let alone break down sobbing. I press my hand on the back of his head. "Fitz...I'm sorry-"

"You keep on saying that, Liv," Fitz sniffs, taking my arms and pushes them off his shoulders. He leans back, his eyes wet, icy and full of resent. He roughly rubs his palm on his cheeks to get rid of the tear stains. He keeps his hands around my waist though - tight. "You say that. But it doesn't mean anything."

He lets go of me.

"Stop," I snap, holding on to his shirt. It's in this moment that I am truly realizing how scared I actually am to loose him. I made mistakes - a lot of them. I took advantage of his forgiveness. I messed up. And I would take it all back if I could. "Please, Fitz."

"I love you," Fitz mumbles, not even looking at me. He gently takes my hand off the sleeve of his shirt. "But I can't make this right. Not right now."

I don't know exactly what he means by that and I am petrified to find out. "Fitz, i'm sorry. I can explain."

But he's already walking away from me. "You can sleep in the bedroom tonight. I'll take the couch."

And he's gone into the house.

I don't know how to explain how I feel right now. I messed up so badly. I just didn't realize how much I had to lose until it was literally walking away from me.

These past few days, I have been so reckless. I have fucked up so many times. And now that Fitz is away, now that he is truly not in my arms anymore...I am just realizing the extent of it.

They say that you don't know a good thing until it's gone. But that's not true. I always knew how lucky I was to have Fitz.

So I guess I knew what was good when I had it. I just never thought it would be gone.

X

"Liv?"

I open my eyes and look at the doorway, where Karen stands, looking terrified. I prop myself up on my elbows and gesture for her to come in, trying to smile. It's not like I was doing any sleeping.

"Karen," I say softly as she lowers herself onto the foot of my bed. "You should be asleep. It's late."

"I know," Karen folds her hands in her lap, looking away from me. "But I just couldn't sleep."

"That makes two of us," I smile softly. Ever since Fitz literally walked away from my arms, he's been AWOL. I mean, he's in the house, but he's spent his time in the basement unpacking, basically doing anything to avoid me. It just so happens that by doing that, he was avoiding Karen too, which I know he didn't mean to do.

Karen smiles back sheepishly before pushing a lock of wavy, long sand colored hair behind her ear. "Look, Liv...I wasn't eavesdropping or anything before. But I heard Dad talk about my Mom while you guys were fighting. He was yelling. Does that mean I can't see her?"

She literally looks like she's been told that her pet has died. She is so hurt and this time, it's actually my fault. I inhale, trying to find out a way to explain without sounding like the bad guy. This is before I realize that that's exactly what I am. For once, I need to suck it up and actually, definitively tell the truth. "I'm sorry, Karen, but that is true. You can't see her."

"Are you s-..." Karen scoffs and shakes her head. "He is so unfair and-"

"No, Karen," I sigh and sit up on the mattress. "Don't blame him. He was being responsible and protective. That's his job."

She turns away from me, not saying anything.

"I should not have gone behind his back," I admit. "In the end, he's your father and he makes the decisions. He has his reasons, okay? And you and I both need to respect them."

"No," Karen tells me point blank. She turns to me, looking straight up angry. "It's not fair. His reasons are dumb."

I look at her, exhausted. I don't know what to say. Yeah, his decisions may not be right, but they're just that - his. I would never let him try to dictate any choices of Savannah because those are mine to make. Even though he's her father, I am the one who raised her so as of right now, I get the final say.

But with Karen, it's obviously different. I have no leverage when it comes to that, even though it hurts to see him make the wrong choices.

"I'm sorry," I tell Karen, because I really am. I'm sorry for all this and everything that has happened today. As far as crappy days go, this one takes the cake. "I don't know what to tell you, sweetheart."

"It doesn't matter," Karen shakes her head. "I don't care."

I can tell she does but I decide to keep quiet. In retrospect, it was stupid (and I mean really stupid) to think I could pull this off. Fitz would figure it out. If somehow it actually went through, he would be a lot more pissed. But at least Karen would get some closure. I still want that for her. But like Fitz made it painfully clear, that's not my place. I reach over and touch Karen's arm. She pulls away and I sigh.

"I don't care," she repeats, then finally looks at me. "Are you and him still dating though?"

'Dating'. That's such a strange word to think about at this point. Fitz and I never dated. Like he was saying this morning, we had never even gone out like a normal couple. It's like, boom, meet, fuck in a motel room, fall in love, have a baby and then move in together. Everything was so out of order. And in a way, it worked. I love him so much and I would give anything to take back these twenty four hours.

"Yes," I finally answer. We aren't dating - I guess we never were. But we're together still. At least I hope we are. Fitz was always the forgiving type but I don't know. This time is different. "Don't worry about it, Karen."

"It's funny," Karen looks down at her lap. "People are always saying that. You and Dad are anyways. But y'all just give me so much to worry about, you know?"

Hearing that really hurts. I frown. "We never meant for any of this to happen."

"It doesn't matter," Karen looks up at me, her light blue eyes icy. "It happened anyway."

Fitz's POV

I want to go back in time, find myself when I was picking this couch off a catalog and shoot myself in the head.

I was so stupid. It literally feels like there is a log of wood under me. 'Modern yet classy and comfortable model' my ass.

It's not just this goddamn couch that is making it impossible to sleep. My mind won't stop racing. And admittedly, I cannot stop crying. Not full out sobbing like earlier today, but turning over and having small tears soak the leather throw pillow below my head. I'm not crying purposely. It's just happening very impulsively.

Me not trying to sob doesn't mean that my heart isn't hurting. Like, my stomach literally hurts from how angry I am. I love Liv, I will never stop loving Liv, but I just don't know how she could do that to me. I feel like I never knew her at all.

I have my reasons for not letting Mellie back into our lives. Scratch that, there is just one reason. That being that she's a horrible person that destroys anybody who comes close to her. Mellie loves Karen - I know she does. But that doesn't justify anything. Loving someone and providing for someone are two different things. Mellie is not someone who is ever coming back into Karen's life and the fact that Liv tried to discard that...

I reach down and grab my phone off the floor. The only person that could make me feel truly better is the one I am mad at. And I wanna stay mad, therefore I am not going upstairs to be with her. Instead, I'll call the second most comforting person.

After the warden calls Evan to his desk, i ask, "Did you get the commissary money I sent you?"

"Five hundred dollars," Evan smirks, sounding like he's in disbelief. "You must be making serious paper with whatever political crap you're doing up there. Thank you, man."

I close my eyes. I really don't have a ton of money to be throwing around at this point, but Evan is a priority. "It's whatever."

Evan scoffs on the other end. "It's definitely not whatever, but alright, I guess. Anyway, how are you?"

"I've been better," I admit, throwing the blanket off my torso and stretching my forearm. "It's Liv."

"Uh-oh," Evan laughs. "Trouble in paradise?"

I frown. "Something like that. Listen man, she went behind my back and tried to contact Mellie, so she could talk to Karen." I pause. Evan is literally the only other person I am close enough to to tell him all this. "Anyways, she thought it was the right thing to do. For closure or some shit. But she was out of line...wasn't she?"

"Fitz," Evan says slowly after a pause on his side of the line. "If you really thought this girl was crossing a line, you wouldn't be calling me up at midnight asking for confirmation."

I grin, but that's not the answer I was looking for.

"I guess," Evan goes on. "What you have to ask yourself is whether or not you can forgive her. Whether you love her enough to do that."

"It's not a matter of love," I insist honestly. "If it were, it would be easy. I really love this girl, Evan. If it were my choice, she would be the one."

"It is your choice, Fitz," Evan scoffs like I should have known that. "Only you can make the choice. Is the love y'all share big enough to allow forgiveness?"

I swallow. I know that Liv was trying to do the right thing. But in the end, it's not her choice. Maybe in the future, it will be. But not right now. I guess that there won't be a future, though, if I can't forgive her. "She makes me happy, Evan."

"Then it's worth it," he tells me, not an ounce of doubt in his voice.

X

"Fitz. Get up."

I flutter my eyes open. I'm surprised, to say the least, when I hear Livvy's voice waking me up. She's hovering over me, arms crossed. "It's literally past noon. Time to get up. Come on."

I rub my eyes. Did I really sleep until past noon? All I remember is saying goodbye to Evan and crying silently for a couple more minutes before finally dozing off to sleep. I stretch my arms and my eyes follow Liv, who is putting on a NorthFace hoodie. "Come on, Fitz. Get up."

I blink at her, confused, before finally standing up.

She turns to me and holds out her hand. I just stare at her. She waves it. "Come on. Take it and come with me."

"No," I tell her blankly.

Livvy reaches in and grabs my wrist. "I wasn't asking."

I give in and let her drag me to the second floor and out the balcony. Waiting out there under the bright sun is platters of food on the porch table with a vase of orange tulips.

"What is this?" I ask her, watching as she sits on one of the porch chairs.

"It's pretty self explanatory," she looks up at me and smiles. "It's breakfast. Or rather lunch, since, you know, you don't know how to get up at an appropriate time. Sit down."

I stuff my hands in the pockets of my pajamas and just stare at her. I know what she's trying to do - apologize without really saying it. This is her make up gesture. And I want to forgive her. I know eventually I'm going to. I can't stay mad at her. I can move mountains, I can work miracles, hell, I can be Secretary of Defense. But I cannot stay angry at Olivia Carolyn Pope.

That being said, I'm not exactly her best friend at the moment. What she did was wrong. And it was personal. Trying to interfere with the purposefully limited relationship between my daughter and Mellie was below the belt. It was careless. And it was reckless. Reckless is not something you can afford to be when it comes to Karen. Livvy is really smart. She graduated from an Ivy League college, she had successful careers as both a defense lawyer and a crisis manager. But when it comes to Mellie, Liv is, like most people, clueless. Mellie can be a complete bitch. I don't use that word lightly, so believe me when I tell you right now.

I do not want her near Karen and Liv has to respect that. She just has to. I feel bad for what I said yesterday. I want to marry Liv and if that happens, I think she would be a great mother. But we're not at that stage yet, so like i said, she has to respect my choices when it comes to Karen.

"I'm good," I reply dully.

"Like I said," Livvy clears her throat. "I'm not asking."

I raise my eyebrows at her. Hell, what have I got to lose? I stare at the really mouth watering array of pancakes, biscuits and fruit salad before I lower myself to the chair directly across from her and don't say anything. Apparently, I don't have to. Livvy goes on talking. "Lena made all this. As you already know from the excessive amounts of takeout these past couple of days, I can't cook for shit. Hell, I can't even make ice."

I try to not laugh, but a grin comes out anyway. She notices and smiles softly before sighing. "Are you still mad at me, Fitz?"

I lean back in my chair and decide to lie, since Liv already does it every chance she gets. "Yeah."

"That's too bad," Liv scoots her chair away and gets up. She walks over to the side of the patio where the cooler is next to the grill. She bends down and pulls out two colorful tin cans before turning to me, grinning. "You don't get any alcohol."

I raise my eyebrows and watch as she puts them down on the table. It's the same brand of margarita that we had in California five years ago. An involuntary smile spreads across my face. "Where did you find there?"

"Connecticut Avenue," Livvy sits down, popping hers open. "All I remember is you getting completely and utterly wasted on like, two of these. You were literally hanging off the bed."

I laugh and shake my head defensively. "Maybe I was just playing the whole 'vulnerable, impaired' act so I could get away with sleeping with you that night."

Now it's Livvy's turn to laugh. "Maybe." She clears her throat and her expression turns serious. "Fitz. I really am sorry."

I look at her. Damn - she's beautiful. Not the see-her-on-the-street-and-look type of beautiful. But the see her and know she's the most gorgeous woman you've ever seen beautiful. Even five years later, with longer, wavy, no bangs hair and brighter eyes, she's absolutely stunning. Inside and out. She doesn't even have to try.

I know she means it. I know she's sorry. But there are some mistakes where 'I'm sorry' doesn't cut it. Especially when it comes to my kids.

"This Mother's Day," I explain, wrapping my hands around the can in front of me. "Was the first one in four years where Karen didn't cry herself to sleep. I...was so proud of her. Of that. Mellie Grant...is a terrible mother. She loves Karen - I know she does. But love is not enough. I have let my daughter down on so many accounts. But keeping Mellie away from her is not a regret. It's not a mistake."

Even though Livvy is listening to me seriously, I know she wants to cut in and say something. I go on, not giving her the chance. "You're a fixer, Liv. You fix things. You want to fix everything. And you want to fix my daughter. But Karen doesn't need a fixer. A handler. What Karen needs is a mother. And I don't know about you, but for me, Liv, marrying you is so important to me. I think that you would make a great mom towards Karen."

Liv genuinely smiles when I say that. She opens her mouth to say something, but I continue. "I built a wall between Mellie and Karen and I pride myself on that. That is not going to change. At least not right now. You don't have to like that, Liv, but you have to respect it."

Livvy looks me in the eye and pauses before finally speaking. "I was so scared, you know? Yesterday. I was so scared of losing you."

"Livvy," I inhale. "I would never leave you. I just need you to understand."

"Well I don't," she admits, frowning. "I still really think Karen needs to see her mother, even if it's only for a few minutes. But if that's not what you want...I overstepped. And I am truly sorry. Are you mad at me?"

"No," I reach across the table and enclose her hand in mine. I know she cares. I know she thought she was doing the right thing. I know she still thinks that. "And thank you. For caring."

"Fitz," she smiles tightly. "I'm always gonna care