The drive with Andrea and T-Dog had been mainly quiet; no one was particularly in the mood for conversation. I spent the time watching the trees fly by beside us, my gaze occasionally drifting back to the truck behind us where Daryl sat driving by himself. I hadn't been surprised no one wanted to ride with him, not that I thought he would have considered that an option.
It wasn't long into our trip that the RV had broken down and Dale had to fix it. I had stayed in the car by myself, windows rolled down to let the breeze roll in, as everyone gathered around the front of the RV.
After last night I had begun feeling myself retreat into my own head. Despite what I'd seen since leaving the hospital with Rick, the reality of life now hadn't really hit me until this morning. All of those deaths last night—the screams, the blood, the fear—everything felt like it was catching up to me.
I remembered that older couple Rick and I had stumbled across on our way to Atlanta when we'd run out of gas. I had thrown up at the sight, unable to comprehend the things that were going on around me, but now I found myself wondering if they had been the smart ones. I found myself wishing I'd have died in that coma back at the hospital. Why did I have to wake up? I didn't want to be a part of the world, not like this.
What was the point? What was even left to live for? As far as I knew, I only had whoever S was, the one who'd left me flowers at the hospital. But I had no clue who that was, and I really doubted they were alive or that I'd ever see them again. I had no clue who my family was or if they were alive either. So why was I still trying to survive?
My fingers began fiddling with the hem of my shirt as I watched Shane and Rick enter the RV and carry Jim outside. They placed him at the trunk of a tree and I immediately realized Jim was being left behind. I assumed by the lack of argument being made on anyone's account that it was what Jim had wanted.
I silently watched for a while as the two men spoke to Jim, the others in the group making their way over to the man. I suddenly noticed Daryl was planted on the spot, his eyes turned towards me instead of focused on Jim. He made no effort to move in my direction, but he didn't break his gaze until the group started to head back to their vehicles.
When he neared my window on the way back to his truck, I quickly diverted my attention to T-Dog who was climbing back into the driver's seat.
"You okay?" T-Dog asked me, his brows furrowed as he eyed me. "You never came out."
"I'm fine," I said simply, turning my attention to the rearview mirror and watching Daryl climb into his truck behind us.
It was an hour and a half longer before we reached a roadblock just in front of the CDC. The sun was setting and we didn't have much time left before we would seriously need to find shelter for the night.
I joined everyone in piling out of our vehicles this time, my hand resting on the gun in the waistband of my jeans. There were bodies littered everywhere in front of the building and in the streets. Flies were buzzing incessantly all over the place and I absently swatted a few away.
Rick ordered everyone to keep quiet as we approached building. The smell that lingered in the air was about to make me gag and I held a hand to my mouth. I couldn't believe how many bodies lined our path towards the CDC's entrance as I stepped around each one.
When we reached the building, Rick pressed a button on the outside a few times, but nothing happened. Shane quickly kicked the metal doors twice in hopes for a response. Nothing happened.
"No one's here," Shane said.
"Then why are the shutters down?" Rick asked him.
"Walkers!" Daryl shouted, raising his crossbow up and taking one out.
Sophia started to cry against her mother's leg beside me, the sound a muffled sob.
"Let's move!" Daryl shouted. "This was the wrong damn call!"
Shane immediately got in his face, trying to quiet him down before rounding on Rick.
"Where are we going to go?" Lori called out. "It's almost dark! We can't stay out here!"
"Fort Benning is still an option, Rick," Shane said in a hurried tone.
"We don't have any food or fuel," Andrea suddenly spoke up. "That's one hundred miles!"
"We need answers tonight, now!" Lori shot. "Fort Benning is too far!"
"We'll think of something," Rick tried to reassure the group.
Glenn grabbed my arm, lightly tugging on it. "We need to get out of here."
I hesitated before taking a few steps with him before Rick's voice gave everyone pause.
"The camera, it moved," Rick told us.
"You imagined it," Shane said.
"No, it moved," Rick said as he stepped directly in front of it.
"It's just an automated device," Shane said as he tried to pull Rick away.
Rick refused to move though, staying rooted at the spot and staring into the camera's lens.
"I know you're in there," Rick said, "I know you can hear me. Please, we're desperate. Please help us, we have women and children, no food and hardly any gas left. We're dead if you don't let us in."
Shane finally started dragging Rick away from the metal doors as the sun had almost disappeared. It would be dark in mere minutes.
"You're killing us!" Rick shouted at the camera as Shane dragged him away.
Before I knew what was going on, the metal door lifted and a bright light flooded through the space. The group hesitated before rushing inside.
The lobby of the CDC was large and still somewhat lit, but it was still dark inside. I looked around, my gun in my hands in front of me.
"Hello?" Rick called out a few times.
It was a minute or so before a man showed up through a dark doorway across the room, a gun in hand.
"Anybody infected?" the stranger called out.
Everyone trained their gun on the stranger, wary of his sudden appearance.
"One of our group was, but he didn't make it," Rick answered the man.
The stranger took a few steps forward, his gun never lowering. "Why are you here? What do you want?"
"A chance," Rick told him.
"That's asking an awful lot these days," the stranger replied.
"I know," Rick told him.
The man took a few more steps forward as he surveyed our disheveled group standing before him. His eyes lingered over each person for a moment before passing on to the next.
"You all submit to a blood test, that's the price of admission," the stranger finally said.
"We can do that," Rick told the man.
The man ordered us to bring in our things immediately, telling us that once the door closed, it stayed closed. Glenn, Rick, Shane, and Daryl raced outside and brought back in a few duffle bags before the stranger sealed the entrance again.
The man we learned was Doctor Edwin Jenner and he led us to an elevator where everyone piled inside. He pushed a few buttons and scanned a card before the elevator jumped to life and began moving.
"Doctors always go around packin' heat like that?" I heard Daryl ask from somewhere nearby.
"Naw," the man answered. "There were many laying around. I learned to familiarize myself with them quickly." He glanced at our group one more time. "You all look harmless enough though."
The elevator doors opened and Jenner led the way out of the elevator and down a hallway. I took in the white walls and noticed how well lit the place was. How was it still running the electricity?
"Are we underground?" Carol's voice called out.
The man glanced over his shoulder. "You claustrophobic?"
"A little," Carol answered slowly.
"Try not to think about it," the man said before turning his attention forward again.
We entered a darker room at the end of the hallway and the man stopped, issuing out a command which caused the lights to turn on.
"Welcome to Zone five," Jenner said as he walked forward towards the computers.
"Where is everybody?" Rick asked. "The other doctors, the staff?"
"I'm it," Jenner said.
"What about the person you were speaking with?" Lori called out from behind me.
"VI, say hello to our guests," Jenner commanded.
The computerized voice immediately welcomed us.
"I'm all that's left," Jenner said again.
He led us to another room with many chairs before pulling out a kit with many needles and syringes. I cringed at the sight. I hated needles.
I quickly sat down near the back of the room, noticing that Daryl came to stand nearby me, leaning up against the wall. One by one everyone sat down and let Jenner take a blood sample until it was just me left. Even Daryl had gone quietly without an argument.
I felt myself stiffen as I sat down in the chair in front of Jenner. He quickly grabbed my arm and began readying it for the needle.
"What's the point of this?" I asked as I shifted uncomfortably. "If we were infected we'd have a fever by now."
The man paused and eyed me. "I've already broken every rule in the book by letting you in here, let me at least just do this."
I bit my lip when I saw him pull the needle out. He paused when he saw me tighten up, but still plunged the needle into my arm, drawing out a blood sample. I had to turn my head, unable to watch. The moment he finished with my arm I jumped up from the chair and moved as far away from it as I could.
"You said you all hadn't eaten in days?" Jenner asked, packing up his kit full of our fresh blood samples.
We all stuffed our faces with the food Jenner offered us at dinner. We were sat around a big table just like a family at Thanksgiving. Our glasses were overflowing with wine and I knew I had drank too much already. I could feel my cheeks were flushed and I was a little dizzy, but the moment almost felt normal with everyone laughing and joking.
Glenn was beside me, already a few glasses of wine in. Daryl sauntered up beside him, standing right next to me as he spoke to Glenn.
"Drink up, little man!" Daryl said with a smile, possibly the first one I'd ever seen on his face. "I want to see how red your face can get."
Everyone around the table let out a laugh as Daryl refilled Glenn's glass.
Rick was soon standing up, making a toast to Jenner, who was sitting quietly nearby. Daryl raised his bottle of wine and started a chorus of 'Boo-yah' from the group, but I noticed the reserved look on Jenner's face.
I noticed how drunk Shane was when he started asking Jenner about where the other doctors were. Rick tried to stop him, but Jenner answered his questions telling us that most people went off to be with their families while others stayed to work as long as they could, eventually "opting out." Tension filled the air at his words.
After dinner Jenner led us down a hallway filled with rooms. He explained that this wing was still receiving electricity and that we could stay there for the night. He pointed out a recreational room farther down the hallway. Before he parted he told us to go easy on the hot water if we showered, causing everyone to exchange giddy looks.
"Did he just say hot water?" Glenn asked aloud.
I grabbed the room closest to me, tossing my duffle bag onto the bed before running into the bathroom and stripping out of my clothes. I jumped into the shower and couldn't believe how good it felt to have the hot water streaming down me. I splashed some up into my face, smiling at how something so small felt like the best thing that had ever happened to me. Remembering Jenner's words, I quickly showered up and washed off the dirt, sweat, and blood. I hadn't really bathed since I was at Rick's old police station.
I dried off with a towel that was outside the shower before throwing on some jeans and a tank top that were in my duffle bag.
I left my room and wandered down the hallway, figuring I'd take a look at the rec room Jenner had mentioned. I could hear the water running as I passed by each door, even hearing Glenn's shouts of joy.
The rec room was empty when I entered and I looked around. There were a few couches by a large bookshelf. The books caught my attention and I made my way over, reading the covers off of each of them. I recognized a few books in my search.
A sound behind me caused me to jump, and I spun around, eyes wide.
"Sorry," Daryl's voice came out rough but quiet. "Didn't think anyone would be in here now."
I shook my head and offered him a friendly smile. "It's alright, I was just looking at the books."
Daryl took a few steps into the room before suddenly stopping. "Books?"
I nodded and watched him take a drink from the bottle of wine in his hands. He looked to be having some sort of internal struggle before he finally collapsed on the sofa near me.
"You miss your brother, don't you?" I asked suddenly.
I was pretty sure it was the alcohol that caused me to speak up before I had a chance to stop myself. An aggravated expression crossed Daryl's face and I quickly bit my tongue, wishing I could take the question back.
"Don't act like you care," he said gruffly.
"I didn't really know him," I admitted sheepishly. "But I can see how much it hurts you that we didn't find him."
Daryl's grip tightened on the bottle of wine in his hands. "You don't know shit."
I bit my bottom lip at his words.
"You people all think you got everything figured out, like you know what to do," Daryl spat out, his eyes glaring at the coffee table in front of him. "None of you have what it takes to make it out there. Not like Merle and I. And you all just left him there."
I continued chewing on my lip. I had nothing to say to that, I had left Merle even though I'd felt guilty about it and went back.
"The world goes to shit," Daryl continued, "and I'm still getting the shit end of things." His eyes shot over to me. "Bet this is the first time you've ever really struggled through anything in your life. Bet Mommy Dearest and Loving Daddy took care of you. Bet you had shit easy before all of this."
He stopped, his narrowed eyes glaring at me.
Tears were stinging behind my eyes and I tried to blink them back, not wanting to cry in front of Daryl Dixon.
"Hit a nerve?" Daryl shot. "Gonna cry over your dead family?"
I wiped away a few stray tears with my hand.
"I don't even know if they're dead," I found myself saying.
Daryl sat quiet but continued to glare at me.
"I don't even know who they are," I admitted, feeling a rush of emotions fighting to break free. "I don't even know who I am. It's all a blank to me."
I bit back a few more tears as Daryl's glare faltered. The anger was gone and replaced with something else now.
"What do you mean?" he asked, his voice light and barely audible.
I let out a humorless laugh. "Of course you wouldn't know, not like you chat with anyone in the group."
Daryl's lips pulled into a straight line.
"I woke up out of a coma in that hospital with Rick. Except unlike him, I didn't wake up remembering who I am and where I'm from. I don't remember my past. Or my family." I shrugged. "I only knew my name because it was written on my medical chart. That's all I know about myself." I let out a sigh. "I'm just a name, nothing more. Might as well have died in that hospital bed."
Silence filled the room, neither of us speaking. I kept my eyes on my feet, feeling a little stupid for spilling some of my thoughts to Daryl, of all people.
"That's what you meant?" Daryl's gravelly voice cut through the quiet. "When we went to go find my brother? You said you were lookin' for yourself."
I nodded in answer.
"Don't think it matters much who you were," he said before taking a drink from the bottle in his hands. "You seem to be figuring out who you are, that's what's more important."
My eyes shot over to where he was sitting on the couch, eyeing me.
"Your family is probably gone," Daryl stated bluntly. "But you don't have to be blood to be family. Seems to me like you've got a family right here, with all of them," he said, gesturing his head towards the door. "Whatever life you keep lookin' for, before all of this shit—it's gone. For everyone."
There was something about his words that made me see truth in them. He was right, even if it did still pain me not to know my own history. No one's life before any of this mattered anymore because we weren't ever going back to it. What mattered was who we were now, and that was something I could actually figure out.
"We're all nothing when it comes down to it," Daryl said after a moment, his eyes catching mine. "We just keep surviving and we don't know why, but we do it."
"Thank you," I said, the words suddenly spilling out of my mouth.
Daryl cleared his throat before looking away, almost as if he was embarrassed.
"Just dumb gettin' upset about that," Daryl mumbled, his eyes on the bottle in his hands.
"Maybe," I conceded. "But I haven't been able to let it go, not knowing who I am. Ever since I woke up, especially after seeing all these families together, I just…feel alone. I don't even have fond memories to pull up when I need some sort of comfort."
"No use livin' in the past," Daryl's soft, gruff voice said.
"You know," I said, catching the man's attention finally, "I think you purposefully push everyone away, pretending to be this angry, mean person who doesn't care about anything. But I think you care a lot more than you let on." I bit my lip, holding back saying more when I saw the annoyed expression returning to his face. I held up my hands in mock surrender, not wanting to get into an argument. "I just mean, you're not who I thought you were, Daryl Dixon."
A mixture of emotions spread across his face before he landed on a blank expression, hiding away whatever he was truly feeling. I suddenly realized he did that a lot.
"I'm tired and I think I had too much of that wine," I said, trying to break the tension in the room. "I'm going to try to sleep, you probably should too."
He gave a grunt in response.
I shot him a half-smile before heading towards the exit, calling out a friendly goodnight to him before I left the room.
When I finally laid down in my bed for the night, Daryl's words kept replaying in my mind. A lot of the things he'd said had made sense. And he was right, what did it matter who I'd been when I was finding out every day who I am?