Let the healing and learning begin! It's going to be self-care and wisdom up in this bi-atch! Or at least I'm going to die trying!

I AM NOT PROFITING FROM THIS. ANY RECOGNIZABLE CHARACTERS, PLACES, AND/OR EVENTS BELONG TO J.K. ROWLING

Chapter 27

"I don't even know where to begin…" Barbara sat at the kitchen table with her daughter. She had made her a mug of hot chocolate with cinnamon and heated up some pastries for her. Rose had noted after going upstairs to shower that the family photos were still on the wall in the stairwell.

"I mean...do you have any questions? I'd be happy to answer more of them, mom." Rose pushed. She didn't want to leave anything untouched. Except for the fact that she would probably never confess to killing her father. That still stung too much.

"Well I guess to start...are you really sure you want to go back to America? I mean-"

"Mom I'm saying with complete certainty that I absolutely would love to leave. There's a war brewing here, and it's not safe anymore. I mean hell, you saw what happened to me."

"There's also a war campaign happening back home." Barbara said. Rose blinked and tried to remember if Jesse had told her about a wizarding war back home. Brian hadn't even told her for that matter.

"With the No-Majs," her mother filled in when Rose was clearly confused "Remember? They're all off in Vietnam. Things aren't so smooth right now."

"At the moment, anything is better than here."

"You know, I'm going to have to agree with you on that honey. Let me get my things together. You get in touch with my brother and tell him we're heading back. Oh, and I should tell my boss. Maybe get back in touch with MACUSA while I'm at it…" Barbara muttered to herself. Rose sat and drank her hot cocoa, thinking about how strange it was that her mother was ready to just up and leave.

"Things fell apart for her here too, you jackass." Rose's inner voice reminded her, and she winced involuntarily. Yeah, that was a valid enough reason. She looked at the door to the basement and shivered. After finishing her drink, Rose stood and helped her mom pack away some of the lighter things.

"Hey, why didn't we use an extension charm on one box and just put everything in there?" Rose asked her mother after pushing a particularly heavy box to one side.

"I always liked the look of things this way. A little messy, but ultimately it feels like I've accomplished something. Have you gotten in touch with Jesse yet?" Barbara poured herself a glass of water from the tap and sat on the couch.

"Oh, no I totally forgot. Let me do that." Rose grabbed a handful of floo powder off the mantle and prepared to make a fire call.

"Sauer Manor." she called out clearly, and the fire flickered dimly for a moment before lighting green and Rose got on her hands and knees, sticking her head into the fireplace. Due to the time difference, she hoped that he was actually in his house somewhere. It looked like she had reached the central fireplace, in her uncle's library. It was comforting to see how he hadn't changed the decor in all these years. He was always one for the more opulent things in life. From the red satin furniture with gold trim to the painted clouds and cherubs on the ceiling, and the shimmering sconces lit with warm yellow fire really completed the look. She was sure the rest of the place looked exactly the same.

"Hey, Uncle Jesse?" Rose shouted, and she was alarmed when a house elf appeared in her view. It had been awhile since she had actually seen one, so she blinked in surprise when the creature stood there expectantly.

"May I help you?" After years of hearing English and Scottish accents, Rose was gobsmacked by hearing a house elf with a Texan accent.

"I uh-yeah can you go get my uncle for me? Tell him it's his niece, Rose." she asked. The elf disappeared, and she could hear the stomping of somebody running until Jesse came to a sliding stop on the expensive rug in front of the hearth. He plopped himself down on his stomach and kicked his feet up in the air like a little girl.

"I didn't expect to hear from you so soon! And through a call, no less! What a treat!" Jesse gushed. It looked like he was wearing one of his nicer suits, and his hair and was gelled in a very intricate swoop.

"Are you hosting a party or something?" Rose asked incredulously "I can call you back tomorrow if you want."

"No no! Listen Rose, I'll make time for you whenever, it's not a problem at all. Now tell me what this is all about! Is it girl problems?" he ended with a serious tone and raised eyebrow.

"Actually, no I was just calling to let you know that I'm bringing mom back to the states with me, and I was wondering if that offer to stay with you was still open." Rose asked slowly. She could hear her mother make a noise of surprise behind her.

"You're not going to live with me? I just got you back!" Barbara protested, and Rose cringed from her tone.

"Ohhh! Barbie is there? I want to talk to both of you, come on, family huddle!" Jesse called joyously, and Rose begrudgingly scooted over so her mother could have room to talk.

"So now that we're settled, hello sis, it's nice to see you again, how's things?" her uncle began conversationally.

"Work is boring, but my coworkers are just sweet as pie. Telling them that I'll be leaving will be a bit of a bummer though.." she admitted with a sigh.

"Oh, but haven't you heard?" Jesse looked confused "My sources tell me that something nasty is brewing over there. People are getting kidnapped, and they never turn up again."

"Rose has told me, yes. But I shouldn't be in any danger, I'm a pureblood." she explained. Jesse made a face like he had some juicy gossip for his sister, and Rose flushed with embarrassment.

"Well, I'll have you know that your little princess over here has been cavorting with a little rebel group. I have a particularly thrilling story for you when you come back, and I'd love to hear Rose's side when she gets back too." Barbara gaped in shock as she looked at her daughter to see if what Jesse was saying was really true.

"I didn't know you joined a gang!" she said with horror.

"It's not a gang, Ma! Uncle Jesse you're not helping!" Rose whined in exasperation.

"Jesse, what are you doing in here?" Both Jesse and Barbara turned their heads, as did Rose.

"Oh, hey mama." Barbara smiled, and Rose couldn't believe how much of an inconvenience this call had become. Her grandmother took a dainty seat on a sofa and smiled warmly at the fireplace.

"My, Rose how you've grown! Not such a little thing now are you? Look at those lovely eyes, and oh goodness, kids let me go get your father, he's going to love this!" Grandma Sauer said with excitement as she stood again to leave the room.

"Okay, before anybody else shows up, Jesse can I swing by or not? I want to get out of here before things go completely south." Rose finally burst, becoming frustrated.

"Don't be rude, Rose!" Barbara admonished.

"Oh no, it's fine!" Jesse waved his hand dismissively as he twirled his mustache with the other "As you can see, I am a little busy right now, but I promise I'll give you two a call when things are ready over here. You're probably going to have your hands full getting things ready over on your end as it is."

The sound of footsteps thundering into the room made Rose shrink back a little as her family and some extended family all crowded into the room to see Barb and Rose. She was bombarded with questions about what it was like in England, and she could barely get a word in before a drunken third cousin managed to spill his beer on the fire, cutting the connection. Barbara sat back and let out a nervous chuckle.

"Good to see that they haven't changed too much. Still rowdy. Are you alright honey?" she noticed how her daughter was stuck where she was on her hands and knees.

"Fine," she groaned "just need a second for my back to stop hurting."

The next week was spent cleaning up the house. Rose felt that it was best for them to leave as quietly as possible, but her mother took her time in saying goodbye to her coworkers.

"I know you're anxious to leave, but...I appreciate what they've done for me over the years." Barbara looked at her daughter sadly, and she instantly felt guilty again. She didn't hound the woman about leaving after that.

Andromeda had already written her a letter, despite the fact that she hadn't actually left. Rose decided not to answer the letter, and instead spent her time going through her own memories and trying to figure out what exactly had gone down after she was unceremoniously impaled on a fence like a kebab. She was lucky that Bellatrix had managed to seal the wound before the blood loss caused her to die, but it was going to leave a hideous scar. Knitting charms just weren't meant for human skin. Eventually, the pain did stop, but so did any sensation she might have once had there. The more she looked at it in the mirror, the more she hated the neatly stitched line that ran just below her left shoulder and arched towards her spine. In hindsight she was lucky to not have died right away, but was a reminder of how she had once again failed to help the dark witch.

"I can't keep throwing myself at her." Rose decided as she rolled her shirt back down and went into the kitchen to start a quick dinner before they left that night. The entire time they ate, Rose could feel her mother's eyes on her. Guilt gnawed at her from the inside again, threatening to claw its way out of her chest.

"Are you sure you're ready to leave?" she asked quietly, and Rose took a deep breath in. She thought about how much she had lost coming here, most of it her own fault. A lot of it because of Voldemort, a man she couldn't hope to defeat. But she had also gained so much. Memories of Bellatrix plagued her, and tears welled up in her eyes. A final thought struck her, and her tears were quashed as she felt angry and exhausted.

"No. I need to speak with somebody before I leave."

That "somebody" was Albus Dumbledore. Writing a hasty note, she requested that he meet her in private. Charming the note to travel itself, she hoped that it wouldn't get trashed on the way to Hogwarts. It only took an hour for a response, where her note was tapping on the kitchen window to be let in. In Dumbledore's delicate scrawl, he accepted her invitation to speak, and would meet her in Diagon Alley. She couldn't help frowning at his choice of a meeting place, but nonetheless prepared to leave.

Even though most of the shops had closed for the night, inns and pubs were still fairly busy, and she had already spotted Dumbledore on the street, based upon the few people that had gathered to greet him. When he saw Rose, his signature wizened smile graced his features, but Rose just felt more sour by the minute when she looked at him.

"I'll admit, I was a little surprised to hear that you wanted to speak with me." he began as they stood in the yellowish glow of the lamplight.

"There are a lot of things I'd like to say to you, a number of them not very polite," Rose ignored his friendly greeting "but at this point, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be able to get a rise out of you. So I'll cut to the chase. Why did you let this happen?" she asked in a tired voice. She snorted derisively when this seemed to flip a switch in the old wizard's brain, and he also looked less cheerful.

"Have you ever made a decision that you thought would lead to the best overall outcome? Even if it meant a few people were hurt in the process, that one decision could have proven to be the right path to take?"

"Can't say that I have, no." Rose bit out quickly. A brief look of skepticism flashed through his eyes, but Dumbledore didn't call her out on her bullshit.

"I have made many mistakes. And for that I am sorry. However, you'll find that what we're up against is much larger than just one person. Though I doubt you feel that way."

"The way you're talking, it sounds like you're pretty dismissive of this whole 'using children to fight a really evil guy' plan. Because that's exactly what you've been doing." Rose had a difficult time trying not to bite the man's head off.

"But you're not a child anymore, are you?" Dumbledore asked.

"For once, I wasn't talking about me. I meant those boys. The annoying ones."

"They joined out of their own desire to fight for the cause."

"I think you're forgetting something," Rose stopped him before he could argue any more vague points "You run a goddamn school. I could sit here and talk to you about all the dangerous things that you allow to happen there, and I could argue with you about the whole entire forest that is filled with all sorts of dangerous shit. But that would be long winded, and I'm sure you're already aware anyway." she ranted "What I'm saying is that you are the headmaster of a school filled with kids who are there to learn how amazing magic is. They should be your first priority."

Dumbledore stood in contemplation for a moment before sighing and glancing down the street, like somebody was watching them. When it didn't look like he was going to answer her, Rose became impatient.

"Look," she threw up her hands in defeat "I'm leaving with my mother tonight, and I don't want to be late. I'm not sure why I came here expecting real answers. Maybe I'm the jackass for hating this whole thing."

"I would assume that you really came here so you could try to work out some of the confusing feelings you have." Dumbledore's quiet voice interjected as he stroked his beard "Understandable, given your situation. I wish you luck in your future endeavors, wherever they may take you. And should you ever feel the need, you'll always be welcome back at Hogwarts." they way he said the last part sent a shiver down her spine, but Rose shook the feeling off.

"No offense, but I hope I never have to come back." she murmured as she turned her back and returned home. Her mother looked up in surprise when her daughter reappeared in the living room, but gave her a supportive smile.

"All set honey?"

Rose inhaled and took one last look around before nodding.

"Yeah. Let's go mom, we're done here."

When Rose landed with her mother, they were both swept up in the arms of Jesse and, to Rose's relative surprise, Katie and Brian. Her childhood friends were almost sobbing with joy, while Jesse's face was an ugly mess of tears.

"I didn't think I'd live to see the day you came back! I couldn't believe my ears when you called!" he blubbered, holding Barbara close to his chest.

"Good to see you too, Jesse." she wheezed as she teetered awkwardly around their boxes. Rose couldn't stop herself from smiling brightly as she squeezed her friends back.

"Did you get kicked out for being a stick in the mud?" Katie laughed into her left shoulder as she gripped Rose tightly.

"You wish." the taller witch chuckled.

At Jesse's insistence, his house elves collected all of their things and moved them to one of his cabins. Before she could protest, Rose was swept away by Katie and Brian.

"Guys my mom-" she started.

"Is a grown woman and had the help of your uncle, now come on, we're getting drunk and you're telling us every little detail about your time over there. You've kept us in the dark long enough, short stack." Katie patted her on the arm as she was shepherded out the front door to the apparition point on the lawn.

"Where are we going?" Rose noted how much hotter it seemed to be at her uncle's large mansion in Texas, compared to the regularly dreary weather in the U.K.

"You'll see. It's a very chill spot"

"Although going there sometimes makes me a little bit anxious." Brian admitted with a shy laugh before the all side-apparated. Still not quite used to the rolling in her stomach after the spell, it took Rose a moment to see that they were standing in front of what looked like a regular No-Maj cafe, until they stepped in the door. Rose could only gawk as she looked upwards, impressed with how large the building appeared to be on the inside. It was almost like a giant library, but there were gaps in between shelves and books where small tables had been placed, and the noise in the room seemed to be deadened a little.

"When I said it was chill, I meant it. It's so peaceful and cozy in here, we really wanted to show you. And look!" Katie dragged Rose up a set up quickly moving stairs, to a table on the third floor towards the back. Two bookshelves met at a perpendicular angle, with a space cut out for them to walk through. Inside, a large bay window overlooked the ocean, and a low table surrounded by bean bag chairs were situated in the middle of the small nook. The afternoon sun was warm on her skin, even indoors, and Rose felt like she could almost live here.

"I'll get us some coffees, you guys get comfortable." Brian offered as he went to leave.

"Oh, actually I'll have tea." Rose interjected, prompting a bemused look from both of her friends before he nodded and left. Katie flopped onto a bean bag and wiggled until she was comfortable, releasing a contented sigh. Her flaxen hair was remarkably long, and she set to combing her fingers through it as she lounged, smiling at Rose. The brunette noticed how she still had a small gap in between her teeth. An imperfection that could have very easily been fixed by magic, but somehow she just wouldn't have been the same without it.

"God, Rose I hate to say it but you're super pale."

"Gosh, thanks Katie love you too." Rose snorted, but the playful jab made her feel even more at home.

"Pale...maybe even a little sick? And why do you walk around like an old woman?" the blonde kept going. Rose rolled her eyes as she eventually made herself comfortable as well. Brian returned quickly with pots of coffee and tea, as well as mugs. With a wave of his wand, a panel moved into place and sealed the gap in the bookshelves.

"Now that we have some privacy, spill the beans Rose. We want to hear everything." Katie poured her friend a cup of tea. For a moment, the weary young woman considered lying, just to save face, to make her friends less worried. She knew that look from Brian, the soft one where his brows would furrow slightly and his jaw tightened. And it looked like Katie was about to force the information out of her one way or another, like pulling off a bandage.

Inhaling the scent of chamomile before sipping deeply, Rose began.

She told them everything, from the beginning. How she had been hearing voices. Her deep depression, her quickening descent into insanity, and how asking for help at the time had looked like a foolish and childish thing to do. After all, she was one of the smartest witches of her time, why couldn't she just have helped herself. The entire time, Rose found it strange that she could be so calm, even if it felt like she would start to cry at any moment. When she started to talk about Bellatrix, Katie nudged Brian gently under the table and they shared a look very quickly.

"Not to be dramatic, but she was the only spot of light I had the whole time. For somebody who was always so angry, she was my sun." Rose whispered as she stirred a spoon in her mug, staring at the gently flowing liquid and the small traces of tea leaves at the bottom.

"Do you need to take a break?" asked Brian, who reached across the table to pat her hand. Rose didn't pull away, but she shook her head.

"No, I think I have to get this out of my system before it hurts me anymore." she drained the last of her mug before beginning again. "Christmas break was when it...it got really bad. The short version is that I...committed several crimes. And then I tried hiding in the woods, because I was a stupid mopey teenager who thought that hiding myself away from the world was a good option. That...didn't end well. Andromeda and Ted came to find me though."

"Andromeda? Bellatrix's sister?" Katie asked, her eyes narrowing slightly as she pieced the story together. Rose nodded and continued.

"I joined their little rebel group, because Andy had asked, and I felt a little guilty about them letting me stay at their place. And because I thought it was the best way to get back to Bellatrix. After all that, I'm sure she doesn't want anything to do with me. So I just left. Besides, everything was going south anyway." she shrugged.

"What do you mean by going south?" Brian asked.

"I mean how the place I used to live was blown up in a fairly organized attack, then I barely managed to stay alive after I was skewered like some sort of human kebab. Not to mention after I woke up, Andromeda was dead set on forcing me to give up on Bellatrix. After all this, a new start back here could be good for me." she poured herself another cup of tea. It felt like she had been talking for hours, and the sunset glancing off the water made the small room they were in feel warm and even more tranquil. Rose only looked up from her mug again when she noticed how quiet Katie and Brian were, and she saw that they looked horribly distraught.

"What?"

Before she could move, Katie was out of her seat and had her trapped in a near-fatal embrace. She was trembling, with sadness or rage, Rose couldn't tell. With Katie, it could have been both. The smooth cotton of her t-shirt smelled like dry grass and smoke, and it made Rose a little emotional. As she felt Brian hug her too, with clean aftershave and fresh linens, she felt like she had truly come home for the first time.

"We weren't there to help you when you needed it, but I swear on my life, we're going to do whatever it goddamn takes to make you feel better again. No more running and hiding."

"She's right." Brian's voice was soft as he rubbed her back while Rose sobbed quietly "We're not going to let you give up any longer. We've got you now."

Her friends finally let Rose go when she was on the steps of her Uncle's mansion, and she promised to spend the day with them again tomorrow.

"I don't need babysitters, you guys." Rose tried to explain, but Katie stopped her with a shushing motion.

"You know I love you, and that's why we're doing this. It's time to get you out of your head and into reality. But not that harsh crappy stuff that those jive-ass motherfuckers were force feeding you in England." the blonde assured her.

"To be less blunt, there's no wizarding war over here...yet. So take a breather." Brian clarified.

"But we're all wizards, why should we sit idly by? Why isn't MACUSA sending anybody to help?" Rose argued, feeling a small fire ignite in her heart for a moment. Brian looked uncomfortable for a moment.

"It's not that we don't believe you Rose. But my dad hasn't actually gotten any requests from overseas for help, and he doesn't want to put his nose where it doesn't want to belong in any case. Somebody in the UK must be covering up the attacks very well, or letters from the Ministry have been intercepted."

"That sounds like a conspiracy. And at this point, I'm sure that's exactly what's happening." Rose thought about it.

"You guys can talk about government secrets tomorrow. Right now, you need to go inside and get some good, solid sleep." Katie broke up the discussion, ruffling the taller witch's hair and gently nudging her inside the mansion. She winked before hooking her arm in Brian's and apparating at the gate. Rose closed the door and leaned against it momentarily. Coming clean about everything had taken a lot of weight off her shoulders, but she felt hollow after the experience. She figured that it was because she was exhausted, and promptly set off in search of her room.

The second her head hit the pillow, Rose was plagued by nightmares. She tossed violently in her bed as she was flung about in the darkness of her mind. She could hear Bellatrix crying, but no matter where she looked, Rose couldn't find her.

"Why did you leave me? I trusted you!" Bellatrix wailed in a disembodied voice. Rose clutched her ears, cowering.

"What was I supposed to do? I don't know how to help you, everybody was getting mad at me for trying to help you!" she sobbed "How can I help you when I can't even help myself?" she cried so hard, Rose thought that she would just dissolve into nothing and fade away.

She awoke when Barbara shook her gently. Blinking, Rose felt tears sliding down her cheeks, but all she felt was embarrassment. Her mother looked at her with concern, studying her face.

"You were tossing and turning, is it too hot in here?" she pressed the back of her hand to Rose's forehead, but Rose flinched and turned away.

"I'm fine ma, thanks though." she brushed the older woman off and held in a sigh before running a hand through her tangled and knotted hair. She winced when her hand got caught on a snarl and she yanked her head sideways. Muttering in frustration, Rose stood up and went to the vanity, where she attacked her hair with a brush and a comb. Barbara furrowed her brow in worry before she went and stood by her daughter, gently coaxing the tools from Rose's hands.

"You're going to scalp yourself, let me do it."

"It's fine, I can figure it out myself." Rose sighed in defeat as she stared at herself in the mirror. She had finally put on a little more weight, but the dark circles around her eyes were still incredibly pronounced. Her hair was thin and dull.

"You know you can still talk to me if something is bothering you." Barbara was more gentle, and the softness of her voice contrasted with the unwavering strength in her glance at Rose through the mirror. Breathing deeply, she considered what he would say.

"Do you ever feel like you've made the wrong decision? Even if it meant that you and a lot of other people would be better off?" Her mother paused briefly before brushing again.

"What is your gut telling you, honey?"

"That I had to leave. I wasn't strong enough to stay and protect everyone, and my recklessness was getting people hurt. Despite everything I've been thinking, I'm not good enough for them."

Her mother paused again, this time to set down the brush and place her hands on Rose's shoulders. Rose looked up at her.

"You should remember, Rose, that you are enough. For everybody. You're smart and beautiful, and ten times the witch that I've ever been." she bent so she could turn Rose to face her completely "Some days, we feel like everything is going wrong, and that it's somehow our fault. You have to remember that we can't control everything that happens in life. But we can control how we handle things, how we feel about ourselves."

"But how? How can I do all that when an insane wizard is trying to kill innocent people? How can I save the people I love if I don't even want to wake up in the morning?" Rose's voice cracked suddenly and she could feel herself tearing up.

"Oh, baby no…" Barbara quickly brought her daughter into a hug, rubbing her back "I wish I could have been there for you, I'm so sorry." she whispered. Rose shook her head.

"But that's the past, sweetie. Now is the time to heal. You shouldn't forget what you've been through. Use it to make yourself stronger."

She squeezed Rose tightly.

"None of what's happening right now is your fault. You're still young, you have time to learn so much more. That includes learning to love yourself, honey. I promise you're safe now, you don't have to be afraid." she held her daughter close as the witch's body was wracked with strangled sobs.