Erza
Present
"So, you really loved Jellal ever since?" Lucy asked me once again, with a small smile on her face. "Yes…" I nodded.
"But…I don't know why he can't love me back. I don't know what Ultear has that I don't have. I never hurt him. Ultear did, but he still loves her. I-I'm not asking him to love me back, but he could have told his true feelings for me in a nice way, without pushing me, saying harsh words. Yes, I admit that I tried to make him fall in love with me because I don't want him to be with Ultear anymore. I know Ultear will just hurt him again. The time I tried to make him fall for me, I was ready to face the consequences like rejection. But I never thought Jellal changed. The way he shouted at me…when he told me not to bother him and Ultear." My voice croaked. "I always got his back. I'm ready to catch him when he's about to fall down. But it's just so unfair that…when I'm the one who's gonna fall down, he's not there to catch me."
"H-hey, Erza. W-we're here! We got your back." Lucy embraced me. "Lucy is right. Juvia is here." Juvia agreed. "Just drink and you'll be able to forget the pain for a moment and release the pain inside you." Cana blurted out of the blue. "She's pregnant! Do you want the alcohol to affect my godchild's health?!" Lucy glanced at Cana. "Self-proclaimed godmother, eh?" Cana scoffed at Lucy.
I just watched Cana and Lucy arguing. I missed them…Natsu and Gray fighting, Gray stripping off his clothes, Cana drowning herself in a barrel of alcohol, Natsu's Lucy's noisiness, Juvia always clinging to Gray, Levy trying to expose herself in reading erotic novels, Mirajane cursing whenever drunk Cana will puke in front of her, Elfman and Gajeel arguing on being a man and Jellal…everything that we often do every day. Like call him by six in the morning to wake him up and remind him to fix his bed, put his dirty clothes on the laundry basket, have breakfast before he goes to work and other things. I hate him right now, but on the other hand I miss him so much and I still love him.
"Dinner is served, girls!" I heard Mrs. Mills' voice. "Coming!" I responded. "Let's go down." I said as I carefully stood up from the chair while I hold my big belly.
God, my back hurts again. My babies are getting heavy already compared before. Well, I just found out last month that I'm gonna give birth to twins. I'm excited to see them already, but on the other hand I'm still afraid, afraid to experience painful birth and to be a mother. I'm not sure if I'll be a good mother. During my childhood days, I feel like I have no parents because they're always away due to our business. I'm always with Mrs. Mills, with our servants and Jellal. I grew up with them. So, I really don't know if I could be a good mother because I never experienced to have one. But as much as possible I want them to have a good mother which I never had before. Though I don't know if they could be with their father…
"It's been a while, girls." Mrs. Mills said to Lucy, Cana and Juvia. "I know. The last time we saw you during our graduation." Lucy said. Mrs. Mills placed a glass of milk in front of me and a plate of sliced apples. "I'm sorry, Erza. No strawberry cake, until you give birth. You have to eat healthy foods." Mrs. Mills said. Mrs. Mills forbade me from eating a strawberry cake ever since I got here. I'm kind of sick eating fruits and vegetables already. "But Mrs. Mills-!" I pouted. "No buts, Erza! It's not just for you, it's for the baby. I'm sorry, but I'm really sensitive when it comes to taking care of pregnant ladies. Just like how I took care of you when you're still inside your mother." She said. "That's so sweet, Mrs. Mills. You're so loyal to Erza's family." Cana says. "Well, I love here. I love Erza. She's the daughter I never had." Mrs. Mills sighed as she patted my shoulders.
Mrs. Mills is right. She's like my mother already. I feel like my parents are already dead because believe it or not I barely see them. They're always out of town due to business. I don't see Mrs. Mills and our other servants as servants, they're family to me. Jellal and I have the same situation. His parents are also always away and often fighting. When Jellal's parents separated, he stayed at his father's house. Just the same thing, he's always left in the house with their servants.
"Aww, that's sweet!" Juvia exclaimed in a sweet tone. "One month later and I'll have a new child to take care." Mrs. Mills says as she caressed my big belly, then she walked back inside the kitchen with our other servants.
"I can't wait to see the first baby of our gang!" Lucy squealed.
"Correction – first two babies of the gang because they're twins." I said.
"Really?!" Lucy, Cana and Juvia gasped surprisingly in unison. "Is it a boy or a girl? Or one boy and one girl?" Lucy asked. "Well, I didn't ask the doctor. I want it to be a surprise." I answered.
"Oh, Erza, why don't we accompany you to buy some things for the twins?" Lucy suggested as she wrapped her arm around my nape. "I'd love to. But I'm planning to go shopping for baby stuffs after I gave birth. And I'm still planning if I'll request for a new room in my condo or I'll just put the crib in my bedroom." I said. "Wait, so you're still going back to Magnolia?" Lucy asked. "Yes…well, the reason why I left is that I wanted to clear off my mind. I just need a space. And I wanted to protect my babies from…well, Jellal and Ultear. They almost killed them." I sighed.
Silence hulled when I told about how Jellal and Ultear almost killed my children. "I-I'm sorry, Erza. If only we knew what happened before, we could have helped you." Lucy sighed as she held my hands. "It's okay. I didn't tell you guys about what's going on between them because I knew one of you will get mad at Jellal. And I don't want you guys to get involved." I said in a calm tone.
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you guys where I went. I'm so afraid that Jellal and Ultear might hurt my children again. I don't want to risk my children's life just because of Jellal. H-he's so different when I last saw him. When he found out my true feelings for him, he started to push me away because he thought that what if Ultear break up with him again because of that. I was just going to tell him about our child that time, but he didn't lend an ear to listen to me. The way he talks and shouts at me that time, plus the way he acts is so different. When I begged him to listen to me he pushed me away…and when he pushed me away my belly hits the table. Then, after I got out from his condo I just found out I'm bleeding…" My voice croaked.
I ran out of Jellal's condo while tears kept streaming down from my cheeks and with my hand clutching on my aching abdomen that hits the edge of the table. When I got away from his unit and made my way down to the parking lot, a painful moan suddenly came out from my mouth. I couldn't take the pain anymore. My legs collapsed causing me to sit on the ground. I leaned my body on the wall as I keep clutching my aching abdomen. I suddenly felt something liquid flowing down to my legs. I lifted my dress and surprised to see a trail of blood flowing down to my legs. "No…please…" I gasped in fear. My fingers got covered with blood as I touched my bleeding womanhood. "Help! Please, someone…" I cried in pain as I yelled for someone to help me. Then, the next thing I knew is that Ultear is standing beside me.
Everything that happened that time started to echo and flash back in my mind. Jellal is so different that time, he's so afraid to lose Ultear again, but he wasn't afraid to lose me. As if I'm nothing to him. I don't blame him if he can't love me back, but what he told me that time... It's just unbearable. I would understand if he'll ignore me, stay away from me for a few days…but those harsh words he batted at me as if he's saying I'm a third-party in their relationship, it really hurt me so much. Plus, he's saying as if he's willing to give up our friendship just for me to stay away from them. He even blamed me that I was the one who ruined our friendship for fifteen years.
I don't know what happened to him. I wonder what kind of magic did Ultear used on him or what kind of potion did Ultear made him drink the reason why he changed. I admit it was my fault because I tried to make him fall in love with me, so I have to accept the pain of rejection. What hurts me the most if that he's willing to push me away, give up our friendship just because of Ultear.
For now, I hate you so much Jellal…you and that girl almost killed our baby.
I hate you because you didn't even lend an ear to tell you about our baby.
I hate you because you're willing to give up our friendship just because of Ultear.
I hate you…I wish I could tell you how much I hate you right now…but I don't know why are you still in my heart. Why I still love you despite the pain you gave me?
And as the same time…
I hate myself for falling in love with my best friend.
I hate myself because I let you took advantage of our friendship just because I love you so much.
I hate myself because I ruined our friendship for many years.
I hate myself for being so stupid…stupid for loving you that much…stupid for assuming that you can love me back…
I failed to stop my tears from falling as those thoughts keep echoing in my mind. "E-erza? H-hey, why are you crying again?" Lucy pulled me against her body. "N-nothing…i-it's just that…I always dreamt of having a complete and happy family in the future because I never experience to have one when I was a kid. But…I guess I'll never experience to have one." I said with my voice cracked while I stop my tears from falling again. "H-hey, don't say that! You never know what will happen in the future. How can you be so sure? What if you and Jellal were able to fix your relationship someday and you two can live together as one family?" Lucy comforted me while she strokes my hair with her fingers.
One family? Me and Jellal? Like that would happen!
"Lucy…life, love is not like in the novels you read and write. Well, maybe you all can give an advice or comfort me, but you don't know exactly how I feel. Look…Natsu loves you so much Lucy. He left Lisanna just for you. Juvia…you were once a fan girl or stalker of Gray, but now you two are already dating. Your love life with Gray is like a fairy tale, as if you're just an ordinary girl who's in love with a prince! Cana…you just had a one night stand with Bacchus before, but now look at you two…already dating for two years. You changed Bacchus a lot. Levy and Gajeel…they were enemies before, but look at them now, same with Elfman and Evergreen. You all have nice love life…you all have a loving boyfriend. And me… I only have a boy friend…boy best friend. Before, I used to picture myself dating Jellal, marrying him and having kids, but then I realized the 'love life' that is planned for me is not the same as all of your love life." I said as I keep faking a smile to hide the sadness inside me.
"Mine is different. Girl and boy, friends with each other for a long time, the girl is secretly in love with her boy best friend, but the boy is in love with someone else. That's me and Jellal. I can easily confess my feelings for him as easy as 'Jellal, I love you. Not just a friend, but I love you as in I love you!', but then I realized it wasn't really easy. Confessing your true feelings for your best friend would risk your friendship with him. There are three things that may be the result of confessing your feelings for your best friend. Number one, he'll tell you that he loves you two, then you and him can start dating already. The risk is that if you two formed a dating relationship and you two broke up someday, there's a tendency you two can't remain friends anymore because it'll be awkward between you and him. Number two…if he told you he doesn't love you, you two can still remain friends, but the difference is just like number one, there'll be an awkwardness between you two. Lastly…he'll stay away from you. Well, because he'll feel awkward every time he'll remember that you don't just see him as a friend. And the last one happened to me and Jellal." I continued.
They all looked at me with sympathy. "I'm sorry, Erza. But if ever you and Jellal won't be able to fix your relationship with each other…I hope someone who deserves your love can find you." Lucy sighed as she patted my back softly. "Who would love a girl like me who let her best friend fuck her several times and got pregnant?" I faked a laugh. "Simon! He loves you until now." Cana blurted as she laughed softly. Lucy glared at her and mouthed something at her. "Just kidding…" Cana sighed and scratched her head.
I pulled away from Lucy and wiped my tears away. "Why am I crying? If I get stressed, it'll harm my babies. Who needs Jellal, when I have my two angels here?" I forced a smile while I caressed my big belly. "Be a good mother, Erza. So, when the time has come that Natsu and I already have a child I can ask you some tips on how to take care a baby." Lucy says as she touched my belly.
"Oh, by the way, where's Mira and Levy?" I asked.
"Oh, Mira is taking care of Lisanna in the hospital. Levy, she's busy at work." Cana answered.
"I miss them too." I said.
"They miss you too, Erza. Mira said if only she could lure you back in Magnolia with a strawberry cake, she'll do it." Lucy said.
"When are you three going back to Magnolia?" I asked.
"Actually, we told the boys we're going on a beach for four days so they won't doubt where we really are. We even brought a swimsuit and beach ball with us so they wouldn't doubt." Cana answered.
Seriously? So, they really wanted to see me?
"Seriously, girls?" I burst out laughing. "Yes, because if we tell Natsu the truth, he'll insist to go with us. If we let him come, he'll probably tell Jellal where you are. I don't trust him in this kind of situations especially you're his friend and Jellal is also his friend." Lucy sighed as she 'face palmed'.
This is why I love being with them. They never failed to make me smile and laugh.
"Well, I missed Natsu too, Gray, Gajeel, Sho, Simon, all of them! Don't worry because after I give birth I'll be going back to Magnolia already." I said.
"What about Jellal? If he finds out you're back, what are you gonna do? He'll find out about the baby." Juvia asked.
"Well…I don't care if he finds out about our child. I mean, he has the right to know, it's his child too." I sighed. "I just left because I'm afraid that Jellal might hurt them again. He almost killed them. That's why I decided to stay away for a while. I just need space and to free myself from stress because it might harm them. A-and I don't want to hear Jellal saying that I'm using our child so he would be forced to be with me. I don't want him to blame this two innocent child. I don't want to bother him and Ultear."
"Don't say that, Erza. I know Jellal, both of you grew up without your parents. You both lack attention, love, care and guidance from your parents. I'm sure he wouldn't want that to happen to his own child. Come on, Erza, smile. You know you're more beautiful when you smile." Lucy gave me a big smile as she cheered me up. "Thank you so much, girls. For lying to the boys that you're going on a beach just to visit me here. The next time you come here, bring Levy and Mira. If you can trust Natsu already, bring him here too." I smiled back.
"Sure, actually Lisanna also wanted to see you. She misses you too." Lucy nodded. "By the way…can I be a godmother of your child?" She asked shyly while she played with her fingers.
"Sure, why not? I mean, you can all be a godparent of my child. Oh, correction – not child because they're twins, right?" I nodded with a real smile on my face finally. Even though I lost Jellal, I still have them and I'm very thankful for that. They always cheer me up whenever I'm down. "Juvia wants too!" Juvia says merrily. "Sure!" I nodded with a soft laugh.
We keep laughing and talking with each other while eating. Mrs. Mills already scolded us thrice because we're forgetting about table manners already. But then she got tired of scolding us, she just let us have fun because she knew I haven't seen them for a few months.
"Wait, Erza freeze! Natsu is calling." Lucy freaked out as she stared at the screen of her phone. "Okay. Just turn on the loudspeaker, I wanna hear Natsu's voice." I nodded and pretended to zip my mouth with my fingers. Lucy pressed a button from her phone and placed it on the table.
"Hello, Natsu?"-Lucy
"Lucy! Babe! I miss you!"-Natsu (in a drunk voice)
"B-babe?! Since, when 'babe' did became our endearment?!"-Lucy
Natsu, you're so silly…
"I'm tired of calling you 'Lu-chan', let's make a new endearment! *hic*"-Natsu
"I don't like 'babe', it's corny! What's the matter with you?"-Lucy
"I'm gonna call Juvia!"-Gray
Man, they're probably hanging out again. They're so noisy.
"Gray, wants to call me!" Juvia squealed and pulled out her phone from her handbag, waiting for Gray's call.
"Natsu, are you drunk?"-Lucy
"Umm, yeah! We're having fun in here! How about you, babe?"-Natsu
"W-we're uh…having fun in the beach! Cana is already drunk a-and J-juvia is already asleep, too tired of swimming earlier!"-Lucy
"Where is that beach? We wanna follow you, girls! *hic*"-Natsu
"N-no! N-natsu, you can't follow us here b-because…it's our bonding time with each other. D-don't worry we'll go to a beach next time, just the two of us!"-Lucy
Then, we heard Juvia's phone ringing. Probably Gray… "I knew it!" Juvia pressed a button to turn on the loudspeaker mode.
"G-gray?"-Juvia
"Juvia, I missed you so much…*hic*"-Gray (in a drunk voice)
"J-juvia misses you too!"-Juvia (in a sweet tone)
"I thought Juvia is asleep?"-Natsu
"Well, uh – Gray woke her up!"-Lucy
"*hic* I'm gonna call Levy!"-Gajeel (in a drunk voice)
"What's up Gray? It sounds like you're having fun with them."-Juvia
"Yeah! We all missed you here!"-Gray
"Juvia will be back after three days."-Juvia
"Three days?! That's so long!"-Gray
"I can't take it anymore! I miss Evergreen too!"-Elfman (in a drunk voice)
"I'm gonna call Mira! *hic*"-Freed (in a drunk voice)
"Go! Call your girlfriends and make me an O.P.!"-Jellal (in a drunk voice)
"Then, call Erza, if she's going to answer your call!"-Freed
"Or call Ultear!"-Elfman
My eyes widened as I heard my name was mentioned.
"Lucy, when are you going to *hic* ask me to marry you?"-Natsu
"Hold it! You're the guy, you should be the one who's gonna ask me that!"-Lucy
They're so silly. That's why I really love being with them.
"Juvia, let's get married *hic* and have fifty babies!"-Gray
"Are you serious?! Juvia is ready anytime and anywhere!"-Juvia
Anytime and anywhere?! Seriously, Juvia?
"Babe! Guess what?!"-Natsu
"What? And will you please stop calling me 'babe'?!"-Lucy
"We made Jellal cry! Right, Gray?"-Natsu
Jellal cried in front of them? Impossible…
"He broke down!"-Gray
"If only I knew Erza is the only one that can make you cry in front of us, I should have made you cry before!"-Natsu
We all exchanged looks as we heard what they said. There's Juvia who thinks that Jellal crying because of me is sweet, Cana who keeps mouthing 'idiots' as Natsu and Gray keeps teasing Jellal. Then, there's me, Lucy and I glanced at each other with a blank expression in our faces. I guess she knew exactly what I'm thinking, that
"Jellal! Erza is not coming back anymore, face the truth! HAHAHA!"-Gray
"She's gonna realize that Simon deserves her love than you! Because you used her and you hurt her!"-Natsu
"You don't deserve her Jellal! *hic*"-Gray
"Haha! Come on, guys, that's too much! *hic* You two can still make him cry next time! *hic* I thought we're helping him?! *hic*"-Gajeel
"Nah, for now I wanna make him cry! Erza is not coming back! You won't see her anymore! Accept it! You chose Ultear!"-Gray
"CUT IT OUT, WILL YOU!?"-Jellal (in a drunk voice, annoyed)
"Juvia… I have a song for Jellal, the reason why I called you is because I want you to hear it. *hic*"-Gray (in a sweet tone)
"Aww, that's sweet!"-Juvia
"Stop it you two!"-Jellal
"Eh, Natsu, don't you think it's too much?"-Lucy
"We just want to make Jellal realize how stupid he is!"-Natsu
"Jellal only need the light when it's burning low~!
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow~!
Only know he loves Erza when he let her go…
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missin' home
Only know you love Erza when you let her go…
And you let her go~~~!"-Gray
"This is the first time I heard you sing! I love it, Gray! Sing to Juvia too~!"-Juvia
When Jellal is drunk, he used to spill everything he kept inside him or he keeps blurting out some things. Drunk people always spills the truth. What are Gray and Natsu talking about? So, are they saying Jellal really loves me? Jellal broke down in front of them just because of me? Jellal just realized he loves me when I left?
Oh, come on Erza! Here you go again! You're always assuming that there's a chance for him to love you back! Just like eh said when am I going to stock in my brain that he can never love me back, so why assume? They're drunk! They're just probably joking around. Erza, you've had enough from those harsh words he gave you!
"Natsu, I'll be right back!" Lucy says and ended Natsu's call. Lucy held my hands tight as she stared at the blank expression in my face after hearing the boys. "Hey, Erza, they're just drunk. Just don't mind what they said if it'll just stress your mind." She said. I just nodded as a response to her.
It's already 2am and yet I still couldn't sleep while Natsu and Gray's words keep echoing in my mind. It's not that I'm stopping myself from believing from what they said just because of my own pride. I also find it hard to believe it, after Jellal treated and make me feel like I am nothing to him, but just his friend. I can still recall how he told me that Ultear is his girlfriend and I am just his best friend – as if we didn't spend fifteen years of our lives together during happiness and hardships.
Maybe, Ultear is right, that Jellal is just using me as a rebound, using me to make her jealous. And look at me right now. He just threw our friendship away and me, leaving me pregnant with his child and hurt. I can't blame him for getting pregnant because it's also my choice to let him bed me. And now, I'm gonna have to face and experience painful birth by myself. If he won't take the responsibility as a father, I'm gonna have to raise these babies inside me by myself.
I can feel my babies inside me as I caressed my big belly. I'm excited to see them already. I want to be a good and caring mother to them because I never experienced to have one. I'm just sad because they might never experience to have a complete family and a loving father.
"Let's act and pretend as if we're one family!" Sho snapped as he finally thought of something to play. "Milliana and I are the youngsters. Wally is the second eldest brother. Simon is the eldest."
"Who are the parents?" I asked. "You and Jellal!" Sho says as he pointed me and Jellal. Jellal? Seriously, Sho? "Jellal/Erza?!" Jellal and I groaned in unison as we both looked at each other, with a disgusted expression in our faces. "Eew! Jellal, seriously?!" I groaned as I stick out my tongue. "What's the matter with that? You two look cute together. And besides you two are the oldest among us, and Simon. Who do you want to be your husband? Simon?" Sho scoffed at me.
"Okay, fine!" I groaned in disappointment as I rolled my eyes. "Kagura will be the new-born baby!" Wally suggested while he keeps cuddling at the five year-old Kagura.
"Mommy Erza we wanted to have a new baby brother and sister!" Sho says, pretending to sound like a five year-old kid. "How?" I wondered. "Should I ask Mrs. Mills?" Jellal asked, who's about to approach Mrs. Mills inside the kitchen. "Ask her, then. Maybe we could try to act how to make one." I said. Then, Jellal headed inside the kitchen.
If only we have any idea what we're talking about that time.
In less than a minute, Jellal returned with his eye puffed. "What did she said? Oh, what happened to your eye?" I asked. "She punched me! I don't even know what's wrong." Jellal cried while he massages his puffy eye. "Let me see." I approached him and checked out his eye. "Hmm…" I couldn't think of anything to heal his eye. But I suddenly remembered what Mrs. Mills always do to me whenever I'm sick or wounded. "Mwah!" I kissed his puffy eye softly. As I pulled away from him, I noticed that something red as a tomato is forming into his face. "There! I hope it won't hurt anymore."
"Aww, Mommy Erza that's sweet!" Kagura squealed. Then, I noticed Simon looked away from us with his eyes rolling. "No, it's not! You two are still young!" Simon protested. "You're just jealous!" Kagura and Milliana teased him. Simon kept ignoring us and Milliana and Kagura who's teasing him. "No, I'm not!" Simon denied, though we all know that he has a crush on me, that is why I kind of feel awkward with him sometimes.
"Don't worry, Erza. I'll be the best husband." Jellal says in a sweet tone, as if he's trying to flirt with me. "Shut up! We're just playing!" I rolled my eyes on him. "I know!" He scoffed.
My thoughts were cut off when I heard someone moaning out loud, just like the way I moan when Jellal and I are doing it. I just realized it was Cana who's sleeping on the floor. "Oh, Bacchus! More! Oh, shit…" She moaned out in pleasure with her hands grabbing the comforter tightly and her head tilting as she keeps moaning. Oh my god, is she dreaming of having sex with Bacchus? I covered my mouth with my fingers to prevent myself from laughing out loud as I watch Cana moaning in her dreams.
"I, Lucy Heartfilia, solemnly swear to take Natsu Dragneel as my lawfully wedded husband…" Lucy says who's also sleeping on the floor with Cana and Juvia. If Cana is dreaming of having sex with Bacchus, it looks like Lucy is dreaming of getting married to Natsu. Hmm, how about Juvia? I looked at Juvia who's sleeping peacefully, but not until… "Yes, Gray, I will marry you!" She squealed. God, they're so silly. They said they're just going to spend a night in an inn somewhere, but I insisted them to spend a night here for three nights as a thank you for finding time to visit me.
Just like Jellal to me, he was able to forget his problems and pain when I'm with him. Me too, whenever I'm with these guys, I'm able to forget the conflict between me and Jellal. But I'm way too different compared to Jellal, I will never leave these guys nor exchange them with anything. These girls are right. They're still here for me. Yes, it hurts to lose my best friend for fifteen years, but I can't stop myself from stepping forward because of it.
Tomorrow as I wake up, I vow it will mark as the new chapter of my life. I will continue to step forward in my life, even if I'm not with Jellal. I will continue to achieve my goals and dreams for my children. It hurts for me to do this, but it's for my own good anyway. For six or seven years of loving my own best friend, I'm sure I've had enough. I'm letting him go… I'm not going to open my heart to another man, but I'm letting Jellal go. If ever we meet again if I go back to Magnolia, I'm gonna make sure I'm not stupid anymore to give up everything just for him. I'm gonna make sure that I won't feel a single pain in my chest when I see him again. I need to get used to in living my life without him. This is not just for me, but for my children. And for him, because I wanted him to be happy with the girl he really loves and that is destined for him. Maybe, this is the plan for me and I'll have to accept it and learn to move forward. Maybe, I'm destined to fall in love with Jellal, but I'm not destined to be with him.
I removed our friendship ring from my finger and placed it on my bedside table. I laid back on my pillow and finally closed my eyes to sleep.
Tomorrow…will be the new chapter of my life…
I'm letting him go…