Judge of Character

A/N: So I was thinking the other day, how would Hiccup react if he could read some of my fan fictions? What would he think of all the crap I put him through? This little story came along not long after. Needless to say, some breaking of the fourth wall is coming up. I'm afraid it might not be as funny as I intended; it kind of turned into a justification for writing fan fiction, but I hope you get a laugh out of it regardless.

"Audun!"

Audun paused halfway through saddling his Nadder, Phantom, and turned to look at the speaker. It was Hiccup, and he looked distinctly peeved.

"Uh-oh," Hillevi remarked. "What did you do?"

"I haven't the faintest," Audun replied in complete honesty. He thought back but couldn't come up with any reason for his friend to be approaching him with his arms crossed and his face set in a scowl. Toothless bounded along behind him, carrying a rather bulky sack in his teeth.

A very familiar looking sack, actually.

"Oh shit," Audun groaned as understanding hit him like a Gronckle flying at top speed. "He found my stories."

"Your stories?" Alva repeated, raising her eyebrows. "You mean your fan fiction?"

"Uh-huh," Audun sighed.

Hillevi let out a single laugh. "Well this ought to be entertaining."

Audun glared at her. "Thanks for the support." Then he turned to Hiccup, who had come to a stop a few paces away. "Hi, Hiccup. What's going on?"

In answer, Hiccup gestured for Toothless to drop the sack, which he did with a satisfied little warble. Hiccup reached into the bag and pulled out a scroll. "I found this in your bedroom," Hiccup said in a voice of forced calm. "I was in there to collect the Book of Dragons. Remember, you said I could just drop by whenever and pick it up?"

Audun nodded. He did remember and was seriously regretting that particular decision.

"Well, while searching for the Book, I found these," Hiccup went on, gesturing down at the sack at his feet and waving the scroll in his hand for emphasis. "Can you imagine my surprise when I realized that these…these stories…" He put an unpleasant stress on the word. "…were all about me?"

"Well…they aren't about just you," Audun said uncomfortably. "They're about all of you…though I'd appreciate it if you didn't tell Astrid that," he added quickly.

Hiccup rolled his eyes. "You know, you're not a bad writer," he remarked. "In fact, I kind of like your style. And some of them, like this one…" He opened the scroll in his hand to show the title "The Bjornson House" scrawled across the top. "…are actually pretty good."

"Uh…thank you…?" Audun could sense the "but" coming and braced himself for it.

"But then there are stories like this one," Hiccup continued, digging into the sack and pulling out a notebook with the title Out of the Sea written in long, loopy writing. "What in Thor's name made you decide to turn me into a fish?"

Audun winced. "Actually…it was a merman," he mumbled.

"I have a fish tail in this story!" Hiccup snapped, waving the notebook in Audun's face. "Will you please explain that to me?!"

Behind Audun, Hillevi and Alva snickered. Audun chose to ignore them and stated, somewhat lamely, "It's fantasy…it's a fairy tale, that's all…"

Hiccup snorted. He dropped the notebook back in the sack and pulled out another one. "And this one?" he asked, showing him the title Titanic. "This one doesn't even make sense! A ship made of iron sinking after striking an iceberg? Lifeboat shortages? Grand staircases? I'm engaged to Heather? What kind of alternate universe is this?!"

"Actually, you just answered your own question," Audun said, trying to sound bright and cheerful and failing miserably. "It's an alternate universe. As in, not this one."

Hiccup growled. "You sure like to put me through a lot of crap in your stories," he said. "You turn me into a fish, you put me on a sinking ship and have me nearly freeze to death, you've made me a servant to my uncle and cousin—"

"That one's also a fairy tale," Audun interrupted.

"Who cares?!" Hiccup shouted. "Why would you put me through all that?"

"Um…" Audun hesitated. "I'm not sure, exactly…and hey," he went on quickly, "not all my stories put you in such peril. There's 'We Celebrate Them,' which has you and Astrid engaged to be married…"

"After my father's death!" Hiccup barked. "Do you know something I don't?"

"Uh…" Audun went red. "Never mind…but hey, I gave you a good singing voice," he added, hoping it would distract him from the awkward line of questioning.

It did.

"Oh yes, the singing! All the singing!" Hiccup was ranting now. "Have you ever heard me sing, Audun? I don't sing! I sound awful when I sing! Yet you have no less than six stories that are all about me singing some random songs that I've never even heard of! For Thor's sake, you even turned me into some kind of Ice King for one of them!"

"I thought they were fun…?" Audun said uncertainly, shrugging.

Hiccup glowered. "You have a strange idea of fun," he said. "I looked at some of your notes for future stories. You're planning on shrinking me down to the size of a thumb?!"

"Another fairy tale," Audun sighed. "Hey, at least they have happy endings."

Hiccup raised his eyebrows. "Oh really," he said, reaching into the bag and pulling out yet another notebook. At the sight of the title, Audun groaned aloud. "Oh, I was hoping you wouldn't see that one…"

"Hiccup the Useless?" Hiccup read. "Useless? Of all the things for you to put me through – the fish tail, the sinking ship, the servanthood, the ice powers, the singing – this has got to be the worst! How could you even consider—?!"

"For Odin's sake, Hiccup, it's fiction!" Audun burst out. "That's all it is! It's just fiction! I wrote it for fun! I didn't ask you to read it or enjoy it! I wrote it for myself!"

"You get personal pleasure out of torturing me?" Hiccup demanded.

"No!" Audun cried in exasperation. "Hence the term 'FICTION'! I would never actually do any of this to you personally! It's all pretend, make-believe! It's creative expression, release of emotions, catharsis, whatever you want to call it! Besides, that particular story isn't even finished yet! For all you know, it'll have a happy ending!"

Hiccup looked at Audun as if he was growing a second head. "You had the village treat me like an outcast until I attempted suicide."

"I never said it wasn't a dark story," Audun mumbled.

Behind him, Hillevi and Alva were still laughing.

"I just can't believe this," Hiccup muttered, shaking his head. "Why exactly do you do this? Why do you write about me?"

"Because, well…" Audun struggled for a moment. "Because…I identify with you, I guess."

Hiccup blinked, momentarily stunned into silence.

"I also wasn't popular when I was young," Audun went on. "I had few friends – though the ones I did have were awesome," he added, glancing back at Hillevi and Alva, who had stopped laughing and were listening raptly. "And I was often picked on for being, well…different. So I guess I use you as a main character because I get what it's like to go through some of that stuff."

Hiccup opened his mouth to speak but nothing came out. He closed it again, paused, then said, "Um…okay…" He looked down at Hiccup the Useless still clutched in his hand. Then he passed it over to Audun. "You said this one might still have a happy ending?"

"Within reason," Audun replied, taking the notebook. "I'm still working out the fine details."

Hiccup nodded. "Well…if you're going to do it, do it right."

Audun grinned. "I plan on it."

Hiccup allowed himself a small smile before turning away. Then he paused and looked back over his shoulder. "And…the fairy tale about me being the size of a thumb?"

"Will also have a happy ending," Audun promised. "Most fairy tales do."

Hiccup looked relieved. "Good…good…"

Audun chuckled. "Hey, give me some credit, at least I've never killed you off in any of these stories."

Hiccup chuckled. "Thank Thor for small favors." Then he walked away.

"Wow," Hillevi remarked after he'd gone. "That was awkward."

Audun didn't say anything. He merely bent down to pick up the discarded sack. Then he turned toward his house and set off, Phantom trotting along behind him. "Where are you going?" Alva called after him.

"I'm going home to write a story," Audun replied without looking back. "I'm going to write myself out of this universe."