There was a ring on her finger the next time he saw her.
It was a ridiculous thing to get upset about, if only because he already knew it was coming. Mark had proposed, Ben and Leslie broke up, what else was she supposed to do? It was their own god damn decisions that brought them here, yet still Ben felt sick to his stomach.
God, he didn't even want to be here. He was perfectly content ignoring Leslie and pretending she didn't exist, not stepping foot into any Parks department business, but then Chris just had to come and shatter that frail glass barrier between them. He was required to appear at the park to look over the Reasonablists, a group that apparently insisted that tonight was the end of the world.
Ben kind of hoped that it would be.
She walked around the park like nothing was wrong, as if nothing happened at all. She showed off that stupid ring on her finger to the people around her and Mark stood next to her the entire time. He was always touching her in some way. His hands on her shoulders, on the small of her back as he led her around, crouching down to wrap around her waist, in her hair. Mark Brendanawicz, touching every piece of her that used to belong to Ben.
Actually, he supposed that wasn't true. Leslie had never been Ben's, not really, not in the way that he thought she was. She was always Mark's, and it was Ben that got a quick taste that he was never supposed to have. That he kind of wished he hadn't had.
Leslie was all smiles and full of conversation, but without her usual light. Ben knew her well enough to notice this about her, but he wasn't going to let it give him hope. It wouldn't be enough to change his mind, anyway. He saw her kiss Mark's cheek and saw Mark squeeze her hip, and suddenly Ben felt like throwing up. Yeah, he definitely shouldn't have come. Stupid, fucking Chris Traeger.
He avoided her at every possible turn, but that wasn't quite possible now, in the park for their tiny little event, as it got darker slowly. The entire Parks department was there, save Tom, who was apparently throwing a massive party for the end of the world. It was beginning to sound very nice, much better than watching Leslie actively forget about him. At Tom's party there would be alcohol, which sounded even better.
Leslie was talking to the reporter, Shauna Malwae-Tweep, with a painfully forced smile on her face. Ben knew why. Shauna was the reporter that wrote that awful article about her, littered with disgusting quotes from Mark. Mark, who she was now engaged to be married to. As if that made any fucking sense at all.
Ben really should have walked away when he realized how close he was standing to Leslie and Shauna. He should've gone over to where Chris was talking to Ron and pretended, once more, like Leslie wasn't even there. But he was listening to their conversation before he even knew what was happening, against his better judgement.
Shauna was speaking. "... he's cute. Is he single? Do you know?"
Leslie turned her head, and Ben thanked the lord she didn't look at him. "Chris? No, he's actually dating Jerry's daughter."
God, Ben had forgotten about Millie Gergich. Which was odd, considering Chris would never stop talking about her whenever Ben was in earshot. He rolled his eyes.
Shauna continued. "Oh! No, sorry, I meant Ben. What's his story?"
Ben froze at the sound of his name. Oh god, Shauna was actually asking about him. Asking about HIM. As if she were interested in him. He immediately recoiled at the idea. Shauna was cute, but she wrote that scathing article on Leslie, and it just… wouldn't be right.
Leslie's face went bright red at Shauna's question. "I— Ben? Ben Wyatt? I… I don't know, Shauna, I really don't. We don't really…" She was stuttering like crazy, almost none of her words making sense, and Shauna was giving her an odd look. "Actually, Shauna, I heard he's kind of a jerk. Like, a next level, class A jerk, you know? Ben totally… just… hates everything. But that's just what I've heard. Your guess is just as good, nay, better than mine!" Leslie coughed, cleared her throat. "The end, by Leslie Knope."
A jerk. A next level jerk. That was what Leslie thought of him now? He instantly felt his blood start to boil, his hands shaking. How the hell was he the jerk in this situation? Leslie was the one that pulled back, that hesitated, that distanced herself further from him every damn day they were together. Leslie was the one who strung Ben along while also telling Mark she loved him, and Leslie was the one who came to dump him the second Mark started acting sweet and flashed a ring at her. But Ben was the jerk? Because he was honest in their last conversation and refused to cave for a woman who wouldn't choose him? Bullshit. Complete, utter bullshit.
Ben and Leslie weren't together anymore. They were over and done with and nothing would come of them again. So Ben shouldn't care about that article and what it meant to Leslie. Ben shouldn't care about any of that.
As a matter of fact, Shauna Malwae-Tweep was kind of cute.
And Leslie was still clinging on tight to Mark. Fine. Two could play at that game. Leslie had admitted she played the game of jealousy with him in the past, and maybe, Ben thought it was time she got a taste of her own medicine.
As soon as Shauna was alone, Ben walked right up to her, not waiting for her to make the first move. She smiled up at him. He noticed she had dimples. "Hi," he said to her. "Hi again, I mean. I'm sorry, I just really wanted to talk to you."
Shauna smiled sweetly, looking flattered by this. Ben wasn't doing so bad already. He supposed flirting was easier when you were really only doing it for show. "That's funny, I was actually about to come and find you," she giggled. "You looked like you could use some company."
He returned her smile as easily as he could, trying to focus on her and her only. If he could do that, he would get his desired results. "Your company, I hope," he said, and mentally applauded himself for that one. God, why couldn't he be this smooth with women he was actually into? "You wanna get some drinks?"
Ben and Shauna ended up spending quite a bit of time by the refreshments table, just talking about nothing. Ben was laughing, Shauna was smiling the entire time, and he had no idea if this was even working. It wasn't until Shauna let out a particularly loud laugh, and leaned over to put her hand on his arm, did he figure out that it was working.
When Shauna turned to get another drink, Ben chanced a quick glance over to where he knew Leslie would be. And sure enough, she was staring daggers in his direction, a look that could kill. Good. He hoped she was angry. She was still standing next to Mark, so why shouldn't Ben flirt around a little? Shauna was a lovely girl. Shauna probably wouldn't leave him for Mark Brendanawicz.
Okay, Ben was fully aware that Shauna had one slept with Mark Brendanawicz. But, whatever, it didn't matter. He was just bitter, and maybe that was a plus. Maybe that would make Leslie even angrier, because he knew full well Leslie's feelings towards Shauna.
Leslie caught his gaze right as he was about to turn around. She narrowed her eyes at him, as if to ask him what the hell this was all about. Ben only cocked a brow, as if he had no idea what she was talking about. Leslie huffed, and grabbed Mark's hand in hers.
Fine. Ben could do that too, and better. When Shauna returned with his drink, he took her hand and brought it up to his lips, kissing her knuckles. Shauna blushed furiously, and in the corner of his eye, Leslie was turning red in a very different way than Shauna.
"Oh! You're so sweet," Shauna told him, and she didn't move to pull her hand from his. So Ben intertwined their fingers and pulled Shauna closer to him.
In his peripheral vision, Leslie spun around and grabbed Mark by his jacket, pulling him down to press a kiss to his lips. Ben's smile automatically twisted into a frown, because that move just wasn't fair. He just met Shauna, it wasn't like he could kiss her without it being incredibly weird. Still, as Leslie pulled away from Mark, Ben took as much a chance as he could, and leaned over to kiss Shauna's cheek.
Thankfully, Shauna responded very enthusiastically to this. She gripped his hand tighter and leaned into him, their bodies very close to each other now. Neither of them were being exactly subtle with their flirting by that point, but considering Leslie was currently trying to get Mark to make out with her in the middle of the park, Ben didn't care.
"Leslie, what the—" he heard Mark's voice, as he gently pushed Leslie off of him. "We're in public, Les, calm down. What's with you today?"
He heard Leslie huff, and could just picture the exact look on her face, the way she would break out into a huge, fake smile. "Nothing!" she insisted. "I just have a super hot fiancé and I can't keep my hands off him!"
Mark smirked, in a way that was so smug Ben wished he could smack the look off his face. "Okay, well, let's handle that in private later, okay babe?"
"There won't be a later!" a Reasonablist yelled, chuckling to himself. "Later Zorp will show up and melt the lips of your face!"
"Great," Leslie hissed. "You know what, maybe I hope he does." And then she stalked off, right towards… oh god, right towards Ben. He held Shauna closer to him.
"Hi Ben!" Leslie called, her voice more strained and higher pitched than usual. "I see you found Shauna! She's just great, isn't she? Aren't you, Shauna? Hey, you wanna go and talk… over there? Just some girl talk, Shauna, you and I can totally get out of here."
Ben knew, deep down, what Leslie was doing, but he didn't want to have any part of it. Just hearing her say his name made his insides squeeze up and he felt like shit. It took everything in him to stay calm; the two of them hadn't had a single conversation together since their break up.
"Actually, I think I have everything I need right here," Shauna said, flashing a winning smile at Ben, and he mentally thanked her for that line, god that was good. Then again, she probably meant it.
It was then that Ben realized he was being kind of a jerk to Shauna.
Leslie narrowed her eyes once more. "Okay, well, I warned you, Shauna! Just remember what I said! You be nice to her, Ben. I mean it, you be nice."
"Don't you have a fiancé to go make out with?" Ben snapped at her, and he regretted it as soon as the words were out his mouth. Shauna looked uncomfortable, a little confused, and Leslie's face twisted in a different way than the anger he was expecting from her. Actually, for the first time that day, Leslie looked genuinely sad.
Her lower lip trembled as she looked at him, and then she tore her eyes away. And thank god she did, because Ben couldn't handle another second of looking into her eyes. It was all too much. He had to keep staying strong. Not let his weakness show. He raised an eyebrow at her.
"Yeah, maybe I do," Leslie mumbled, with no heart in it whatsoever. The pain was evident in her voice, and it became clear to him that she was breaking, even if she tried very hard to pretend that she wasn't.
Good lord, what had he done?
/
As the night got darker, Leslie tried her hardest to avoid Ben. Going up to him and Shauna had been a mistake, she knew that, but God, seeing the two of them together was driving her crazy, and all she wanted to do was shove Shauna aside and press her lips to Ben's.
She knew she shouldn't want that. Ben was being a jerk. Sure, she had started this jealousy war with him when she purposely kissed Mark everytime Ben looked over, but still. Ben knew her insecurities with Shauna Malwae-Tweep and chose her anyway. And that just drove Leslie wild.
So wild, that even though she left him and Shauna almost in tears, she still found herself watching them all night. She had to move closer as it got darker, and as the flute playing from the Reasonablists got louder, and that just led to overhearing conversations that… she probably shouldn't have listened to.
"Hey," Shauna purred, her finger trailing up and down Ben's bicep. "Do you maybe wanna get out of here?"
Leslie's entire body seized up, her jaw clenched, and fuck, why did this have to hurt so much? Why did this have to be her reality?
Ben's brow rose in curiosity. "Sure. Got anywhere you want to be?"
She giggled. Stupid giggling. Leslie decided she hated giggling. Just laugh out loud like a real human being. "That end of the world party sounds kind of fun."
"Oh, Tom's party? That does sound fun."
Leslie was jumping out in front of Shauna and Ben again before she could even stop to think about what the hell she was doing. "BEN!" she yelled, and winced immediately after. Okay, that was too much. "Oh my gosh! I totally just remembered something that I have to show you right now!"
He looked irritated, and she couldn't blame him. She had no idea what she was doing, she just panicked and… now she was here. He opened his mouth to answer and she knew he was going to say no, but thank god for Shauna.
She pat Ben's arm and disentangled herself from him. "How about I meet you at the party, Ben? I don't mind. I'll see you there, okay?"
Before Ben could say anything at all, Shauna was gone, leaving Ben and Leslie alone. And thank god, because she could get Ben to follow her to the parking lot. He walked with his hands in his pockets and his head down, and for a moment, she thought she had him. She had no plan, other than talk to Ben, but that was enough, right? He was here. But when she went to unlock her car, he refused to get in, standing on the edge of the sidewalk.
"No," he said firmly. "I know what you're doing, Leslie."
She shuffled awkwardly. "I am… trying to get you into my car, so I can't show you that super awesome thing that I really need you to see!" It was such a lie, and he saw right through her. He always did.
"You can't do this," he said, his hands still shoved in his pocket. "I mean, we broke up. I kind of think we shouldn't hang out together, just the two of us."
It broke her heart. She knew it was true, but the pain she felt was unreal. Her chest heaved with his words and looking at him was killing her, but she couldn't turn away. "Ben," she choked, much softer now. "Does it really have to be like this?"
He looked at her incredulously, unable to believe a word she was saying. "Are you serious? You're really going to ask me that? What the hell do you think happened between us?"
"You left me," she cries, wiping the tears from her eyes very quickly before they came too fast. "You left me outside your house and you told me we were done."
Ben laughed, and it was short, cold, an unnatural sound on him. "Seriously? No, really, are you serious?" There was no real emotion in his eyes. "You left me long before I left you, Leslie. You left me a little bit more every day we were together, leaving me to cling to the broken pieces of our relationship. You came to my house that night to leave me. Don't you dare lie and say that's not true."
She swallowed hard and hesitated. Mostly because it was true. He was right about that. She hadn't known all day, but she knew the moment she pounded on Ben's door two weeks ago that the only option was a break up. She knew it would be safer for both of them. She had just hoped the break up would've ended more amicably. "I still wanted us to be friends," she said at last, and in her own ears she sounded pathetic.
Ben gaped at her. "You actually thought we could be friends? I'm sorry, but the last thing I can do right now is be friends with you, Leslie. It's too hard. It's too much to even be around you."
"Can we… can we please at least talk about this?" she begged, her tears coming faster now. It was unfair, all of it was so unfair. Leslie was supposed to be the one to leave him, but now here she stood, sobbing, while he watched her, colder than ever. He was so detached that she almost felt like she didn't know him at all. This was Ben Wyatt as she hadn't seen him since his very first visit in Pawnee: emotionless, cold, and closed off. It wasn't supposed to be like this, it was never supposed to be like this. "Can we talk about where we went wrong, the two of us? Just get in the car, Ben, we can go somewhere—"
"NO, Leslie!" Ben yelled, and she flinched at the sound. "I'm done talking. You want to know what happened between us, Leslie?" His finger was pointed right at her, his brown eyes burning. "You didn't choose me. You thought you could keep everything. I chose you. Every damn time, I chose you, and I prayed that when the day came, you would choose me too. But you didn't. You were never going to choose me. I see that now."
Leslie gasped with a breath that was almost painful, one she had been holding in. "Ben—"
"Stop it." He held his hand up. "I don't want to hear my name in your mouth. You don't… you don't understand how it makes me feel. That's it, Leslie. I'm leaving now."
And he did. Into his car, several spots down from hers, and he didn't take a single look back at her as he drove away. Leslie collapsed into her own car and sobbed into her steering wheel, imagining Ben, who must hate her now, going to Tom's party and dancing with Shauna Malwae-Tweep and then marrying her and having babies with her.
Still, she couldn't help but think of the last thing Ben said to her, about how she said his name. His voice had almost broken there, almost. He tried his hardest to be guarded, to hide himself, but she saw through the cracks. Through that one tiny line, it felt like proof that he was hurting too, that he didn't want this just as much as she didn't.
It was a hope that Leslie couldn't afford.
/
Ben never ended up going to Tom's end of the world party.
He meant to, he really did. He meant to do a lot of things, like text Shauna after she put her number in his phone, like get something to eat, or change into comfier clothes, but none of those things happened. He ended up back at his house with Andy and April gone on some ridiculous road trip, curled up on the couch with a large bottle of alcohol all to himself.
Tom's party had alcohol, but so did his house.
He broke a little bit that night. He almost showed his hand, almost let that pain shine through when he couldn't afford to do that. If Leslie was going to break, then Ben really couldn't. It hurt to be cold, to say those things to her, but he had to. It was the truth, anyway. Maybe she needed to hear it.
Ben got very drunk that night. Very drunk. He found himself on the floor of his living room still cradling his bottle, not even bothered enough to pull the tie from his collar. He drank until he finally cried, his first time doing so since their break up. He hadn't been allowing himself to cry. He told himself that would just make it all too real, when he would much rather forget.
But it turned out large amounts of alcohol just caused him to remember, because all he could think about as he sobbed into the carpet was the feel of Leslie's hair in between his fingers as he kissed her. The look in her eyes when they pulled back, and her tiny gasps when he kissed her again. How she sometimes had to stand on her tiptoes or pull him down by his tie to kiss him, how she would crawl into his lap on Ann's couch as they watched another history channel documentary. Lunches with her in front of the wildflower mural at City Hall, inching closer to each other everyday. Stolen moments in his office when Chris wasn't around, sweet nothings in her ears when Mark wasn't around.
Ben was falling in love with her.
He pounded his fist into the carpet, the world so dizzy, the lights so blurry, his tears so furious they were blinding him. "FUCK!" he screamed, just because he could and because no one would hear him. "Fuck, what's wrong with me? What's wrong with me?"
He threw up in the toilet and washed it down with another sip of alcohol. Uncaring to stand up again, and fearing he would only trip if he got to his feet now, he just curled up on the bathroom tile and let his mind wander.
Ben fell asleep with his forehead pressed to the tile, wondering if all was ever going to be well again.