Paradigm Shift
Chapter Fourteen: Confusion
… … …
"I don't Know, Inuyasha! I don't know!"
"How can you not know?! What the hell did you do?"
"I didn't do anything. It was just gone. You saw it happen! You were right there! It's the same thing that happened before! I don't know!"
The argument had been going in circles for hours. It would drop off and pick back up in lulls, but Kagome was getting tired of saying the same thing over and over again. He never listened to her about anything before now, and he wasn't listening to her now, and she doubted that he would ever really listen to her.
Everyone had given up on separating them. Prior experience told them that Inuyasha and Kagome would fight until they burned out; no one could really stop them for long, and more often than not anyone who tried would either get dragged into the middle or get lashed out at.
Miroku had mumbled something about meditation and wandered off.
Kouga had gone who-knows-where to just be away from them while they screamed at each other.
Sango had decided that it would be best to remove Rin and Shippou from the whole mess. She had taken them to try and forage up some sort of berries or other edibles for later.
"Just stop, Inuyasha!" She wrapped her arms around herself, just wanting the yelling to end.
"What use is it if you just make them all disappear!?"
Her head snapped upward to him. 'what use is it… what use am I?' The question rang in her ears and she could see him still yelling, but she wasn't listening anymore. There was a flare of hurt, but it was quickly pushed away by rising anger.
She felt her nails digging into her arms as it built. 'this is useless. All of it. It's so different now; when he acts like this.'
"If I'm so useless, Inuyasha, maybe you should just go get Kikyo to help you and just let me go back home and stay there!"
Kagome felt Sesshomaru's hand on her shoulder, but she shrugged it off. She knew that he had been sitting there supervising them, and that was its own brand of aggravating. Right now she couldn't be bothered with that because Inuyasha looked like he was actually considering what she had just yelled in anger.
"You're seriously thinking about it. I can't believe you're seriously thinking about it."
Sesshomaru's hand was on her shoulder again, squeezing more insistently this time.
"I…. Kagome. I wasn't-
But she was sick of the lies and the secrets and the avoidance. She was done and she couldn't just let it pass anymore by telling herself that she loved him and he was just…Inuyasha. Couldn't fool herself into thinking that he was just trying to protect her with it all.
"I can't believe you, Inuyasha. After everything that she's done to prove that she would take any opportunity to kills us-
"He tried to kill us too, and you let him come with us!"
"I didn't let him do anything! He does whatever he wants, and you know it! As if we could stop him!"
Sesshomaru pulled on her shoulder, trying to distract her.
"You must calm down, Kagome."
But she was too angry with Inuyasha, now, to pay attention to Sesshomaru.
"Pf!"
"Don't pfft me! I'm so tired of you always treating me like I'm just some tool to you! Unless, of course, Kikyo isn't nearby and you decide to use me as a substitute for her when you want to drop the mask!"
"Oh! Sure! So you decide to just go get my brother to replace me when you-
"INUYASHA! SIT!"
They stared at each other, somewhere between shock and hysteria. They both took a step back from one another. Nothing happened. Of course nothing happened. The necklace had broken… that night. That night.
Kagome felt Sesshomaru's arm wrap around her waist as she tried to take another step away from Inuyasha and backed into his armor instead.
'We really are broken. There's nothing left to connect us, anymore. We can't even talk to each other.'
Then she was struggling uselessly against that immovable arm. All kicking legs and swinging elbows and slapping hands.
"Let me go! Put me down, Sesshomaru!"
She didn't care where she would go, but she wanted to be away, wanted to put distance between them. Wanted to run from the wrongness of this new reality.
Then Sesshomaru turned and ran, carrying her with him. In an instant, she was being dropped onto Miroku's lap where he sat in rumination.
"What the hell, Sesshomaru!?"
Kagome was up, out of Miroku's lap, and glaring at Sesshomaru with everything she was worth.
Miroku was still sitting there, just looking on in astonishment.
Sesshomaru growled, really growled, at her and pushed her chest so that she fell back onto Miroku again. He locked his now pink-tinged eyes onto the monk.
"Fix her! Fix her now!" He snapped.
"Fix-
She began to protest, absolutely livid, but was cut off when Miroku wrapped his body around her, forcing her to curl into a vibrating ball of anger, keeping her contained within his arms and covering her mouth in a steely grip with his hand.
Then she was drowning in him. His aura was swallowing her. Spreading out like wildfire under them and around them, weaving itself into a cage and compressing her and she couldn't breathe.
"Calm down, Kagome. Breathe." He implored her. "Just breathe." His voice was firm and urgent and she bit his hand. He didn't let her go, didn't move his hand, didn't release her from his grasp.
So she breathed. Slowly, deeply.
"Good girl. Just keep breathing." He told her. "Just listen to me and try not to think. Shut it all out."
She closed her eyes.
"That's it. Now fist your hands and then relax them. Focus on that."
She did.
"Keep doing that. Relax your arms. Good. Good girl. Now your shoulders. Just breathe."
Miroku moved his hand away from Kagome's mouth and rested it on her forehead as he slowly uncurled their bodies from the hunched position.
"Shh. Just focus on breathing and let yourself completely loosen. Listen to my voice."
He pulled her head to rest against his shoulder and then moved it, pushing it into her spine to straighten her back into a straight line.
"Just like that, you've got it."
He looked over to Sesshomaru, who was still standing nearby, watching. He took in the burns that covered face and neck, hiding some of his markings, and he pushed his thumbs into the muscles around Kagome's shoulder blades.
As he felt her calm completely, Miroky smoothed his hands down and then up across her back, then over her shoulders, across her collarbone, and down her arms where they finally reached her wrists, turning her hands over and resting his palms against hers.
"Okay, Kagome. Now come back to me."
He pressed his hands against hers.
"Press your hands up and into mine. Mhm. Listen around us. Hear the sounds of the water. The birds. The wind in the trees."
He felt the answering press against his hands.
"Now come back. Open your eyes."
So she did. Then she twisted to look at him over her shoulder.
"What was that?" She asked, feeling steadier and calmer than she remembered ever being.
"Guided meditation. I've never had to subdue someone both bodily and with my energy before, admittedly."
"Can I get up now?"
"If you're calm and you'd like to, yes."
She lifted herself to her feet, keeping her back to both Sesshomaru and Miroku.
"Well, I'd apologize for my temper, but I keep getting scolded for saying sorry to people."
"It is not your temper that worries me, Kagome." Sesshomaru told her.
When she turned to ask what he had meant, the inquiry was forgotten in favor of brushing her fingers over the burns on his face with a tremble.
"Did I do this?" He nodded.
"It will heal. You must train, Kagome." He pulled her bottom lip from her teeth, gently. "If you were to purify the whole of Japan, then where would I live?"
The teasing tugged a faint burst of laughter from her and she bobbed her head in response.
"For now, I suggest you ask him," He motioned to Miroku. "to assist you in learning his meditations."
As worried as he was about Kagome and the situation, Miroku didn't entertain the thought of refusing her for even a second. While it might not be… ideal… for him to train her, she needed something that would steady her until they found someone who could properly assist her.
"That would actually be wise, Kagome. Our holy powers are not the same, but they do come from the same place; rooted in our emotions. Learning some meditative techniques may help prevent any more flares of that magnitude. I would be honored to help you."
Kagome had to admit that she was pretty impressed with the results.
The three of them made their way towards the flickering light of the fire and conferred over what needed to happen next. Between the fact that two shards had now disappeared as soon as she had touched then, and that it had now become undeniable that Kagome wouldn't be able to put off instruction and guidance anymore.
With everyone's tempers quiet, the unstable nature of Kagome's maturing abilities was brought back to the forefront of their attention, and they decided to split the group for now. Kouga, Inuyasha, and Sango would search the eastern lands nearby for rumors and leads of the Shikon shards, in hopes of collecting a few while Kagome, Miroku, and Sesshomaru would head to the borders of the western lands where Atsuta Shrine was nestled into the mountains of Sesshomaru's territories. It was quite a distance away and they would have to backtrack their recent progress; skirting around the edges of the now-sacred land that protected Edo. Jaken would accompany Rin and Shippou on Ah-Un to the safety of the Western Hall.
They would all meet back up in two months' time, in a village just north of Edo.
… … …
In the dying light, the friends gathered around each other for the last meal that they would share in the long weeks ahead. Right now, with a backdrop of woven purples and reds, Rin was happily bouncing to and fro among the coterie; sharing a story from her travels with Sesshomaru.
She was alight with excitement and had her audience enthralled. Kagome thought that she could grow to be a highly sought after Rokugo, given time. Her friends were rapt with attention as she moved around and through them. Kagome was still too lost in her thoughts to fully focus on Rin's tale of adventure and it seemed that she wasn't the only one.
Kouga had moved from his place by Sango, across from her, and settled himself at her side. He tucked her hair back over her ear and leaned in to whisper to her.
"Come with me later."
Kagome twisted her neck and peered at him, curious but mystified.
"After they all fall asleep. I want to show you something."
She hesitated. Without any clues other than they would be alone, the idea was daunting for her. The last two times that she had found herself alone with the wolf prince, things had been… heated. Her reluctance must have shown on her face because he smoothed his knuckles down her cheek tenderly.
"I know that I haven't completely earned back your trust, but please Kagome. I promise not to hurt you." He laid his hand on her bent knee. "Or… scare you. I promise. You'll love this."
It's not that Kagome was afraid of him or what he might have in mind. She didn't need his promises of her security, she knew that Kouga wouldn't hurt her. She was just getting worn out with all of the… ehhem.. situations that she was finding herself caught up in.
Not that her body wasn't receptive to the attentions, unfortunately. If she was totally honest with herself, underneath the shyness and confusion and uncertainty that came with her inexperience and her personal ideals concerning… that… then more of her than just her body was pretty appreciative of the new sensations. She hadn't exactly protested much when her mother had dragged her out to the doctor on her last visit to get that preventative shot.
""Kagome. I'm your mother. I was your age once, you know. You were born before I was twenty-one.""
""I know mama, but-
"Sweetie. It worried me enough when you were had two good looking men following you around. Now you have four. From your stories, one of them can't keep his hands to himself, one is madly in love with you and is adamant that you're going to marry him, one is possessive, and the other is Inuyasha. I know you love him, Kagome. Besides! It's just in case!""
""Unnnngh. Maaamaa.""
""It would make me feel better.""
""….fine.."
""It lasts three months and you don't even have to carry anything around!""
""Unngh..""
So Kagome had been pulled along, red-faced and resigned, and gotten a shot in her arm two days before she had poked her head out of the well to find Sesshomaru about to murder her friends.
She could feel her ears burning as she remembered that whole experience. There had been talking and explaining that had both made her feel well informed and humiliated.
She patted Kouga's hand and gave him a nervous smile and a jerky nod. He scooted a little closer to him and she leaned her head onto his arm as they turned their attention to the buddling little rokugo.
… … …
Later, with the stars shining bright in the dark sky, when Kagome was sure that everyone had fallen asleep, she watched as Kouga rose and gave her a meaningful look before walking into the trees. She rolled herself up in her sheet and curled into a ball, feeling snug and comforted by the little bit of pressure from the tightness of the sheet around her, before discarding the fabric and standing to join him.
She nearly screamed in fright when strong fingers captured her wrist. Heart pounding against her chest, she crouched before Sesshomaru, who had taken to situating himself at her back every night. She glared at his visage as she used her unrestrained hand to smooth down the dark pile of softness cradled in his lap.
She almost lost control over herself, barely managing to keep from laughing as she observed that Shippou had been captured and Rin was using him as a teddy bear.
'So possessive." She thought. 'No need to wonder where she learned that particular personality trait.'
"I thought you were asleep."
"Do you require my presence?" He asked, ignoring her previous words.
She shook her head at him.
"No. I'll be okay. He just wants to show me something."
She didn't realize just how that could be taken until The pale brow lifted on his face.
"Oh! No! I mean… I don't think so, but really! I'll be okay." She laid her hand on his where it still held her other wrist and her face softened.
"If you do, I shall not hesitate."
"I know. I'll scream really loud if he tries any funny business." She said. Then, even quieter, "I don't think Kouga would ever let himself lose it like that again, anyway. Besides. He didn't actually hurt me then, either."
The corner of his mouth quirked upward and he set her wrist free. She stood and took two steps from him, but faltered and turned back, bending over him as his eyes followed her actions.
She brushed his bangs from his forehead and pressed a soft kiss into the moon that she had uncovered.
"Thank you. For caring. Thank you."
He closed his eyes and pulled his fingers through Rin's hair as she walked away.
… … …
Kouga was waiting for her about a dozen paces into the forest. He held his hand out to her and she took it easily, twining their fingers together as he led them deeper through the thick, grayscale undergrowth. They stopped before a proud, thick tree that split into two near the bottom. There was a bowl-shaped crevice at the junction of the dual trunk. It would have easily been able to accommodate her- if it wasn't for the thriving plant that was using the crevice as its abode.
"It's called the Night Queen." He told her, pulling her down to sit on his thighs, near his knees, as he stretched out his legs in front of them on the damp layer of the forest ground. He leaned back on his hands as Kagome studied the plant. "It only blooms at night, and doesn't last for long when it does. It's really rare, you know."
He pointed back to the plant when she twisted to smile at him.
"Just watch."
It took a long while, and the anticipation was starting to get to her, when she noticed the sepals on the large buds start to curl away from tightly coiled white petals. She leaned forward to watch, putting her hands on Kouga's shins and leaning on them, wanting to get closer but at the same time, not wanting to disturb the plant.
The flowers slowly began to unfurl in a spiral, twisting open as they woke to greet the moon and the two of them.
Then Kagome's breath hitched as the most amazing thing happened. As the pointed, round, white petals began to open into a cup; framed by longer, narrow petals… the center of the flowers began to glow.
The glow dimmed but was steady in the cradle of the flowers' cupped middles. It was the most beautiful thing that Kagome had ever seen. Well, it had been. Until tiny little specks of matching light began to float around her and Kouga.
Some of them flitted around quickly and some danced slowly in lazy patterns, but they all gravitated to the blooms. When one of the little orbs would touch the glow of a flower, a tiny spark would alight. Each spark contrasted with the uniform glow of the orbs and the flowers, shooting off in all sorts of different colors.
Kagome wiggled backward into Kouga's lap so that she could keep her eyes on the enchanting spectacle while she whispered to him in awe.
"What are they?"
He straightened up, moving his hands to hang over her shoulders, and resting his chin on top of Kagome's head as he answered. Kagome rubbed her dainty palms over his forearms as she waited.
"They're youkai. I don't actually remember what they're called, but they're just as rare as the Night Queen. I've seen the flower bloom once before, when I was a pup and my dad was teaching me how to hunt for the first time, and he told me the stories about the youkai that come to carry the seeds away, but there weren't any around that night.
His head and arms dipped and rose when she let out a heavy, contented sigh.
"It's amazing, Kouga. They're amazing."
"Mhm. They are, huh?"
"Yeah."
They sat there and watched for a while before Kagome spoke again.
"Will you tell me the stories?"
He shifted himself into a cross-legged position, letting Kagome's bottom bounce off of his thighs and onto the ground in the space that opened in his lap. Elbows still on her shoulders, his hands came up to rest on top of her head under his chin and he smiled.
"It's said that, hundreds of years ago, there was once a beautiful, human princess. Her skin was whiter than snow and gleamed with the light of the moon. Her eyes were the color of polished silver, and her long, white, wild hair could capture a rainbow more easily than a gleaming crystal. "
Kagome listened intently, eager to hear the tale.
"Rumors of her dreamlike beauty that rivaled the moon reached the ears of a youkai lord who was quickly gaining power and influence. He traveled to her, seeking to find out for himself if the rumors were true."
Kouga opened his hands and pressed a kiss to her hair before replacing them and continuing the story.
"When he set his eyes upon her, he was entranced. He waited long nights and long days; until he finally caught her alone. She was sat beneath the hanging strands of a willow on the edge of a lake, staring into the reflection of the moon on the water and wishing that she could touch it, envious of its freedom."
Kagome reached a hand out, slowly, as one of the bright youkai came near and hovered before her. She couldn't see them, but she could feel its tiny feet on her fingertip and it landed on her. When it flew away again they could both see a tiny glowing seed in the spot that it had stood.
Kouga plucked a long, wide blade of grass from the ground at their side, holding it flat for her. Kagome carefully put the seed on it and watched as Kouga folded and tied the leaf; securing the gift tightly in a neat little grass package for her.
"The youkai lord approached the princess, drawing out her wishes and envies with kind words. He gave a kiss to the girl that rivaled the moon, under the light of that moon that she loved. They fell in love and were set to marry soon after."
Kagome brought the seed-package to her chest and cradled it there.
"But the youkai lord had been betrothed to another lord's daughter on the day of their births. Her family claimed to have descended from the moon goddess and she believed that only she had the right to claim the beauty of the moon as her own, and so her anger was two-fold."
The sparks had stopped now, and the youkai were thinning; carrying their seeds away.
"The youkai lord's intended mate waited until he was called from the princess on an urgent call from his highest-ranking general. She crept into the room where the princess slept and spirited her away in the night. When the princess woke, she was bound to the middle of a split tree; with the youkai woman's malevolent presence before her. The princess was told that she would never be allowed to marry the youkai lord. Would forever be fragile and quick to die. Would never be filled with child, and would never see the light of the sun again. Then the princess was cursed by the jealous woman. She became the Night Queen, the flower with the hollow center that would only bloom in darkness, and fade before morning's light."
"That's so sad."
"The youkai lord heard of the actions of the one that he had been promised to at his birth, and he, distraught, returned as swiftly as he was able to his love's side. It was as he had been told, and in his grief, his essence expanded around him, lighting the flower at its center and wrapping around the servants that tended the princess. The servants were changed, keeping to their purpose and nature; hardly seen and never quite understood. He could not save her, but he had given himself to her and she would be forever fertile; the mixing of their essences would be carried away every night so that they could bloom and flourish, lighting the night and sharing their love with the world.
Kagome scrubbed the tears from her eyes and pulled Kouga's arms around her shoulders.
"How long will it last?"
"Not long. It'll start dying when the youkai that take the seeds are all gone."
They stayed there and watched until the end, when the flowers shriveled and fell to the ground.
As it fell, Kouga tilted Kagome's head back so that he could meet her eyes. His look was tender and his touch was light on her chin.
"You'll never love me, will you Kagome?"
It startled her and she slid from his lap to kneel in front of him, her hands braced on his knees.
"I do love you, Kouga! I always will!"
"But not the way I want you to. Not the way I love you."
He gathered her hands up between his and rested her fingers on his lips. Her eyes watered.
"I… No, Kouga. Not that way. I'm so sorry."
"It's okay, Kagome. I've known it for a long time, never could give up though."
He chuckled and she laughed.
"Stubborn." She accused.
"Hey! Look who's talking!"
Another shared laugh.
"I guess I'll never win against those two dogs, huh?"
Kagome's face showed her shock at the assumption.
"No! I mean, Yes! I mean. Ugh. Okay, let me start over."
He stood and tugged her up with him.
"Alright, but tell me while we want if you have to say it. We should get back so that we can see everyone before we separate."
"Oh. Alright…"
He kept her hand hostage while they walked, unhurried.
"It's… Sesshomaru and me aren't… that. I'm not in love with him or anything. Pretty sure he feels that same."
"You two have a pretty weird relationship, then."
She smiled and agreed with him.
"Yeah. It's strange, I'll give you that. It's not love though. It's just…Sesshomaru." She laughed in bemusement. "I was starting to think that the whole dogs are perfectly loyal thing was a myth, but I think that's what's under it. Even if it's to himself and his word, he's not going to break his promise to take care of me for what he thinks I did. I just think that neither of us were expecting to be friends, too."
"You're maddening, Kagome. You really are."
She frowned at him.
"What's that supposed to mean?!"
"It means that you have no idea how amazing you are or how you make people want to be around you, protect you, love you any way that you'll let them."
"I'm not all that great, Kouga."
He stopped and she followed.
"Yes. You are."
The look in his eyes reminded her of that night in the cave, and it made her squirm; hovering somewhere between wanting to escape and wanting to experience that heat again.
"Kagome?"
"Uh-huh…?"
"Now that you've turned me down for good and I've accepted it, would you let me have just one thing from you?"
"Hmm?"
He brought his face to hers, so close that his breath ruffled her hair, and stopped. Blue on blue; locked together.
"Kouga.. I don't… I told you.." Her voice was shaking as hard as the rest of her.
"I know. I'm not asking for anything else. I understand if you say no."
Then his hand slid over her cheek and pushed into her thick hair. He didn't try to pull her closer, just rested there, twisting the black silk through his fingers.
Kagome trembled with nerves as she hooked the fingertips of both of her hands over the top of the armor on his chest. His skin was burning on the backs of her fingers and she made up her mind.
She gripped the metal harder as she thought that she liked the idea that Kouga would be her first kiss. After everything and with them both knowing that they would never be mated or married. It was fitting, she thought, that this man take her first kiss.
She wanted to give it to him, gladly, because she did love him in her own way, and she couldn't think of anyone else that would appreciate the gift in the way he would. Because she thought that, if he wanted it, he deserved to have this gift that she could only ever give once. She knew it would be safe with him. It would live in his heart the same way it would live in hers.
And when she stood up and pressed her lips to his, it didn't feel like a goodbye. She had known that it wouldn't It felt like a promise. A promise that they would be closer than any of her other friends could claim to be to her. A promise that they would never abandon each other. A promise that they would just be them, and that it didn't matter what anyone else thought.
Some friendships might be deep, but theirs would be deeper. Some might be strong but theirs would be stronger, and some might be loyal, but those friendships would never compare to them,
The kiss was sweet and light, if not altogether chaste and certainly not short.
And as they both closed their eyes, a thin ribbon of pink pushed out from Kagome's back, above her heart. Unseen, it wrapped around them both, tightened, and passed through Kagome to encase Kouga, settling gently into his skin and leaving behind a mark in the shape of an eight-point hope star, no bigger than a freckle on his wrist.
… … …
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AN: The end of this chapter is dedicated to AndreaRei, who loves Kouga/Kagome fluff. The scene originally ended with the flower dying, but I found a way to work in some things that will be important to the core plotline with the scene and still give her the fluffs.
Much Love, Andrea! I'm also really happy that you're warming up to my Miroku so much.
Ashlyn Braere: Thank you so much for the advice. I took it and saw someone else, and am not happily awaiting three new sets of glasses in the mail. It ended up being so much cheaper than what the first doc wanted me to pay in-store, and the second doc even did his job better, apparently, because he's having me come in a second time to check on some sort of swelling in some nerve that the first guy didn't say anything about. Thank you so so so much.
Raven's Serenity: I've done the binge-reading, myself. It's usually three in the morning when I get to the end and pout because there's no more. ^-^ I hope you like the new chapter!
SnarkBait24: I will never stop loving your username, or telling you that I love it. Your last two reviews had me laughing enough to make my husband stare at me like I'm crazy. I'm not sure if my hints and pokes are too subtle or not subtle enough, but its great to see you catching some of them. Makes me wonder how many of the other readers are starting to pick up on the hints. By the way, Sesshomaru/Kagome is totally my favorite pairing too. I know I have this story set up so that they're NOT paired romantically, but but but… its controlling my brain?