Brian entered the loft to find Taylor and Alec once again slacking off on the couch, watching some movie. "Where's Lisa? I need to talk to her," asked Brian. Due to their recent change in management Brian really needed to speak with Lisa about the details of gaining custody over Aisha.
"Why would we know?" asked Taylor with disinterest.
"The two of you are supposed to be her bodyguards remember? Your job is knowing where she is," pointed out Brian with a sigh.
"You don't know and you're also her bodyguard," argued Alec.
Much to Brian's annoyance and embarrassment he had no real counter to that. Day one and they were already off to an excellent start. "We really need to be more organized about this. Set up a schedule of rotating shifts," he muttered.
Taylor rolled her eyes and said, "We are a bunch of nobodies. Who would even want to pick a fight with us?"
"The ABB. Our pseudo ex-boss," pointed out Brian. Hopefully their ex-boss wasn't going to seek revenge but it was better to prepare for the worst. "Anybody that has ever talked to you for more than five seconds."
"Shots fired," said Alec with smirk.
Taylor pouted and said, "That was uncalled for. I mean sure I have only have had two friends my entire life and one of them tried to strangle me to death." Brian found that he was completely unsurprised by this information. "And sure, Rachel sicced her dogs on me on the first day we met and the day after that... and the day after that and-"
"You really need to stop using her dogs as foot rests," said Brian with a sigh.
Taylor ignored his sensible advice and continued, "-the day after that. The point is, plenty of people like me. For instance, Alec and um... hmm... my dad? I am pretty sure he would be sad if I was dead."
Brian opened his mouth and paused as tried to decide how to respond to that. Wait. "Taylor, I am pretty sure you haven't left the loft since you started working with us," said Brian slowly.
"Stairs are exhausting," replied Taylor with a tired sigh.
"Don't you think that your dad will be worried that you haven't come home for over a week?" pointed out Brian. God, she was bad as Aisha.
"Oh yeah," said Taylor with a frown. "Hey Alec, can I borrow your phone?" Alec shrugged and tossed her his phone. "Thanks," said Taylor as she fiddled with the phone. "Hey Dad, just letting you know I am not dead.
"Dad calm down, I'm fine I just got a little sidetracked again. Hey, I only fell asleep in a ditch that one-time Dad, it's not like I make it a habit or anything. Okay two times. Look, look I am perfectly safe. I have been crashing at the lair of some super villains," said Taylor nonchalantly. God damn it Taylor. Never mind, she was way worse than Aisha. Brian vowed to never let the two of them meet.
"Calm down they're cool. No, they aren't keeping me hostage in fact I joined up with them. Dangerous? Nah. Here is the thing, we are so small time nobody knows who we are, so I am being paid to sit around and play games all day. Ten thousand a month. I know right? I don't know, I'll ask."
Taylor turned to Brian and asked, "Hey Brian, do we have a dental plan?"
"We're a group of super villains, we don't even have a health plan," said Brian levelly as he tried to force himself not to yell at her.
Taylor turned back to the phone and said, "We apparently don't even have a health plan. Can we really unionize with only four people? Uh Huh. I see. Hmmm. Makes sense. You're right, I should do that. Okay okay, I'll get my friend to walk me home tonight. Love you too." Taylor put the phone down and said, "Hey guys we should form a union and extort some sweet sweet benefits from Lisa."
"Sounds like a plan," said Alec with a smirk. "I can't wait to see her face."
Brian felt like he should probably put a stop to this before it got out of hand, but on the other hand, having a health plan was tempting. "We could probably ask Lisa for a health plan without having to form a union."
"Maybe she will. Maybe she won't. But what about things like paid holidays, vacation and sick leave? I noticed we also don't have a 401k or an IRA plan. When you think about it, she is taking advantage of us Brian. That's why we need to unify now and form the Guild of Calamitous Intent!" said Taylor with more passion than Brian had ever heard from her in his entire life.
It was times like this that Brian was glad he was no longer the leader of the Undersiders and that it would be Lisa who would have to deal with this nonsense. "Fine, mark me down as unopposed," Brian said with a sigh. He really didn't feel like getting dragged into another ridiculous argument with Taylor.
"Good enough," said Taylor. "Now all we need is to get Rachel on board, wherever she is. Also, when Lisa does show up let me do all the talking. I grew up in a union family, so I know the fine art of negotiating. All I need is the right opening, execute a power move and we're golden."
There were many things Brian could have said to that but instead he chose to sit down and watch whatever movie was on the tv. After about half an hour Lisa came up the stairs with one of Rachel's dogs looking stressed. "Guys, Rachel's been captured," said Lisa with scowl.
"Why would anybody even want Rachel?" asked Taylor, "she is just so Rachel."
"Not now Taylor," snapped Brian. "How do you know that she was kidnapped?"
"Somebody tied a ransom note to her dog's collar," explained Lisa. "They even did the cut up letters from a magazine thing." Lisa paused before she facepalmed. "Oh god damn it. These are from old Nintendo Power magazines."
Alec burst out laughing and said, "Oh man, I am going to give Rachel so much shit for getting captured by Uber and Leet."
Brian ignored Alec and asked, "What do they want?"
"They say they want us to show up at the train yard with ten thousand, but I am 80% certain that this is a trap," replied Lisa. "But since they're idiots I'm not too worried about springing the trap. All right guys time to get suited up."
"Do we have to?" whined Taylor. "I mean sure we could walk all the way over there and then beat them up or we just pretend we never got the note and maybe they'll get tired of Rachel after a few days and they let her go because they don't kill people. If you think about it that is the responsible thing to do since we aren't getting into super fist fights."
"We are not doing that," said Lisa firmly. "Get in to costume. Now."
Taylor let a pitiful whining noise and said, "I don't wanna."
Lisa looked like she was going to explode when Alec raised his hand and said, "Don't worry, I got this. Taylor, if we wait a week then you can't ride her dogs to and from your dad's house today. Instead you have to walk all the way there and all the way back. The walk to the Trainyard is a quarter of the distance."
"Lisa, why are you even arguing about this with me when we need to go save our friend Rachel right now!" yelled Taylor as she jumped to her feet and ran towards the door.
Lisa buried her face in her hands,groaning, and said, "Taylor you need to get in costume."
Taylor skidded to a halt and said, "Oh yeah." Taylor reached into the pocket of her hoodie and pulled out a paper bag before she shook it out and pulled it over her face. "Done."
"Taylor, you can't just wear a paper bag over your head," said Brian.
"Brian don't use my civilian name while I am in costume," scolded Taylor. "My cape name is Tailor remember?"
Brian was done, this was Lisa's problem now. Brian walked back to his room and quickly changed before meeting up with the team at the entrance of their base. As they walked to the Trainyard Lisa and Taylor started to bicker about something again, but Brian refused to be dragged into another one of their fights. After years of practice tuning out Aisha's antics, ignoring his obnoxious teammates was pedestrian. 'It would have been nice if one of his team mates was vaguely normal,' Brian thought wistfully.
Taylor and Lisa were so engrossed in whatever they were arguing about that Brian had to clear his throat loudly to alert them to the fact that they were at the trainyard. Lisa let out an embarrassed cough and said, "Taylor use your bugs to scout out the area."
"Give me five minutes," said Taylor as she closed her eyes. "There are two guys in that building there," she said pointing at the building in front of them. "They have a floaty ball thing, so I think that is Uber and Leet. There a girl in a building over there hanging from the ceiling with six guys taking turns beating the shit out of her."
"Okay so we found Rachel and… wait how do you know what gender they- oh gross!" said Lisa in disgust as Taylor waggled her eyebrows. "Anyway. We should be able to quickly grab Rachel before we come back around to- what is it Taylor?"
"One more thing there is like sixty to seventy other people armed with all sorts of stuff hiding out behind the building, but I am sure that isn't related."
"What," said Brian in a flat voice.
"They also have a jeep with a… cannon or something? There is one chick with a couple bandoleers of grenades, maybe? There is also a whole bunch of probably grenades in the jeep as well."
"Taylor… I… you know what never mind. Shut up so I can think," said Lisa. After a moment she said, "I am pretty sure that is Bakuda and she is here to get back at us for the whole Lung in jail thing."
"She plans on killing us in retribution, right?" asked Taylor with a frown.
"Well, she is planning on torturing and then killing us but failing that just blowing us up," replied Lisa. Joy.
Taylor hummed to herself right before the loudest and oddest series of noises went off in the distance as a giant multicolored plume of smoke rose into the sky. "What the hell just happened?!" Brian half asked, half demanded to know.
Taylor replied, "Popped all the pins in Bakuda's grenades and the grenades in her jeep."
"So, she's dead?" asked Alec with disinterest.
"I think so," said Taylor with a bored shrug. "I mean it is a little hard to tell since the area where she used to be is... like a bubble of nonexistence or something? Unfortunately, I only got twenty of her goons in the blast, but it seems like the rest of them are running for the hills."
Another loud explosion come from the building in front of them. "I just had my bugs fiddle with the insides of Leet's stuff since they're famously volatile. I am like ninety percent both Uber and Leet are dead or will be in the next few minutes. Which brings my kill count up to 27 people. By the way, what's your guy's kill count?" asked Taylor.
"Just the one," said Alec.
"What? Only one? That is so lame Alec. I have been doing this villain thing for like two weeks and my kill count is almost thirty times as big as yours. That is just embarrassing," said Taylor as she shook her head. It was at that moment that Brian released that the psycho loose cannon teammate that they all needed to keep an eye on was no longer Rachel.
Lisa's mouth open and closed repeatedly for a few seconds before she seemed to collect herself and said, "What the fuck is wrong with you?"
"See, even Lisa thinks your kill count is weak," said Taylor.
"I am talking about you!" snapped Lisa.
"Is this not about getting everybody in the blast? Because if it is I'll have you know it is hard to aim explosions with bugs," said Taylor defensively.
"No. She means that it is fucked up that you just killed thirty people and are bragging about it," said Brian as he slowly creeped away from Taylor, trying not to make any sudden movements.
"What? That doesn't make any sense we're super villains, we kill people all the time," protested Taylor.
"No, we don't!" shouted Lisa. "Weren't you listening when I was explaining how we operate or the unwritten rules to you!"
"I am going to be honest here and say that I probably wasn't listing at the time," said Taylor with a shrug. "That or I was asleep with my eyes open again."
"Let's just go get Rachel," Lisa said with a defeated sigh. "And for the love of God Taylor, ask before you go on another killing spree."
Taylor pouted before she suddenly brightened, sending a chill down Brian's spine, and said, "Oh that reminds me we started a union and if you don't meet our demands we will go on strike."
Brian pretended not to notice the betrayed look Lisa sent him and headed towards where Rachel was being held. "Go on strike? Taylor, you barely do anything already," Lisa said with a scoff.
"Well alright Lisa," Taylor agreed, sending off all sorts of alarm bells in Brian's head. Taylor literally argued with Lisa about everything. "But when I get tooth decay it will be on your head."
Lisa rolled her eyes and said, "I think I can live with that."
Taylor nodded and said with a sad expression, "I just hope that the pain won't cause me to snap and go on another killing spree." Jesus Christ.
"Taylor, you can't honestly expect me to believe that you…" Lisa started to say before she trailed of and lost all the color in her face.
"What can't you believe about me Lisa?" asked Taylor with her most innocent expression.
Lisa paused before saying with a defeated voice, "What is it you want?"
As Taylor began to layout her demands Brian kicked open the door of the building and proceeded to beat the shit out of the people holding Rachel hostage. Their screams of pain where balms on the soul after spending hours in Taylor's company. Brian quickly got Rachel down from the ceiling and asked, "Do you need help walking?"
"No," said Rachel curtly.
"Hey Rachel, I need to use your dogs as a ride to my dad's house," Taylor said cheerfully.
"No."
"But-"
"No."
"I-"
"No," said Rachel before stomping off.
"Does this mean I did all that extra walking for no reason," said Taylor with a dazed expression.
"Yep," said Alec with an amused grin.
Taylor fell to her knees in despair. "Carry me."
"You're on your own Tay."
"Fuck."