IV
Light
I get lost all the time
In my thoughts, in my mind
You come through like a light in the dark,
give me sight
+.+.+.+.+.+
- Arima -
There it is again.
He saw her fleeting look, the barely visible edge in her eyes. A look that would kill if it could.
Withholding a sigh, Arima lowered his own eyes and lingered beside her another moment before moving to follow Taishi onto the track.
When they were all seated and motioned to go, Taishi took off straight away and Arima calmly followed, looking for an opening to pass him up.
The wind was harshest here as they sped against it, stabbing deep with its chill.
Arima focused his eyes, relaxing any tension. He began closing in on Taishi as the boy focused only on speed rather than sticking to the innermost layer of the track.
He glanced swiftly to his right as Minami came into view, looking determined. Her motions were loose and unhurried, her mouth pulled into a smirk.
She swerved further to the right, then used the momentum to veer back toward him, coming dangerously close to the side of his car.
She met his eyes sharply before blinking, seeming to remember herself. Her hand flew over her mouth in astonishment and she slowed down immediately.
Arima lifted a brow before smiling and accelerating past her, gaining on Taishi as he did.
The boy glanced back at him and grinned, shaking his head.
"You'll have to do better than that!"
Arima's smile widened as he glanced to the puddles on the track, quickly forming a strategy.
With a swift jerk of the wheel, Arima flung the car to the side, striking the water and sending it into a frictionless spin.
Taishi cursed and hastily moved aside while Arima maneuvered the car patiently, calmly straightening it out and speeding out ahead of his friend, solidly taking the lead.
They passed the line at the end and, as they got out, Taishi ran up while shaking his head, grin still wide.
"You crazy ass!"
Arima shrugged, "desperate times."
"Well," the boy blew out a breath. "Nice job."
Minami rushed up to join them then, look of concern on her face. "Are you two okay?! You both could've been seriously hurt."
"Of course we're okay. This is nothin' compared to our usual activities." Taishi nudged Arima, "isn't that right, partner?"
Arima glanced between them, before his eyes settled on Minami. "All the same, I'm sorry to have worried you."
Taishi tilted his head at Arima's response, staring at him curiously.
Minami only nodded as she wrung her hands together and walked past. "Okay, well…let's just get going."
Arima turned to follow and Taishi wordlessly fell in step beside him.
After several moments of silence, Arima finally sighed. "What is it?"
"Nothin'," Taishi shrugged, casually kicking up some water on the ground. "Just think it's interesting you decided to take my advice after all."
"Advice?"
"About being nicer to Minami."
"Oh. That."
Taishi looked up, grateful smile in place.
"I'm glad you did, but what changed your mind?"
Arima's eyes shifted above the rims of his glasses, to where the girl was adjusting the strap of her bag before flinging her hair behind her. A strange halo of light outlined her figure — an effect from the drizzle of rain and the streetlamps they were passing under.
She was a living lantern, guiding him down a path he hadn't known was there.
"She did."
Taishi let out a breath. "Huh…so you two talked about it?"
"No."
The taller boy scratched his head. "Oh. Then I don't get it. You seemed so closed off to the suggestion the other day."
Arima smiled up at him fondly. "There are other forms of communication."
"Hm…alright. Guess it doesn't matter so much how it happened. That's between you."
"I appreciate that."
Taishi raised a brow, still observing him and Arima offered a slight shake of his head.
The front of the carnival came into view, the familiar stack of jack-o-lantern's piled beside it.
Arima saw that Minami once again had stopped, but her eyes weren't focused on the pumpkins this time. Her attention was on the circle of children standing beside them.
"What's all the commotion about?" Taishi asked as he came up behind her.
Arima stopped at her side, analyzing the scene.
They were a group of boys, all circled around the one who was smallest.
The small one was clutching something close to his chest, head bowed as the others pestered him to hand it over.
"Come on!"
"We just wanna take a look at it!"
"Why would you bring a boring ol' book to the fair anyway?"
"Only a nerd would do that!"
Taishi clicked his tongue and Minami gasped while Arima watched with a passive expression, though his chest twisted in sympathy for the child.
The boy stood there motionless only a moment longer before darting forward and shoving past one of them, dashing away as quickly as he could. However, in his attempt to flee, he ran straight into the stack of pumpkins, tumbling down with them into the mud.
His book flew from his hands and landed face down beside him.
The other children roared in laughter and Arima watched Minami's eyes narrow as she clenched a fist, fury flowing.
Then one of the boys stooped to grab the fallen book and Minami marched forward, visibly shaking.
"Don't you dare touch that," she warned sternly.
Arima followed swiftly, placing a hand over the girl's shoulder and effectively halting her.
"Minami-san," he said lowly, eyes shifting nervously to the group of kids. He didn't like the way she was looking at them.
Fortunately Taishi also moved forward, crossing his arms as he did, and staring down at the boys with a look of authority.
"Alright, that's enough. Time to leave him alone."
They exchanged a glance, seeming to size Taishi up before quickly running off, leaving the smaller kid behind.
Arima slid his hand off Minami's shoulder, then glanced over to the small child, who was heaving with sobs as he pushed himself onto his hands and knees.
Arima moved around his companions, walking over and feeling his eyes soften as he stopped and tilted his head.
He lowered himself onto one knee and smiled warmly when the boy lifted his head, meeting his steady gaze with the wide, teary set of his eyes.
There wasn't anything remarkable about the way he looked — dull gray eyes and dark, flat hair — but there was something curious about him. Some sad sort of intelligence.
It reminded him of the look some of the other children had in the Garden. The ones who took their existence especially hard.
Arima extended his hand, offering it openly.
The child looked to his palm nervously, untrustingly. A flicker of fear crossed his face, a reaction that Arima found unsettling.
"It's alright," Arima assured him gently. "Will you let me help you up?"
After hesitating another moment, the boy's eyes lowered in shame and he raised his hand, settling it lightly in Arima's.
Grasping carefully, Arima stood and guided him to his feet. He watched then as the boy shivered in the cold and looked away, seeming hesitant now to let go of him.
For a hold so fragile, he found that he was more unable to withdraw his hand now than he'd been when Minami held it.
What sort of tragedy have I stumbled upon here?
He looked up at the sound of footsteps and saw Minami stoop to retrieve the fallen book. She stared down at it a moment before offering a kind smile to the boy as she walked over to hand it to him.
"This must be very special to you."
The boy nodded, still not lifting his eyes as he reached up to take it.
"There's a lot of monsters in real life too, aren't there?" She said, tilting her head and running a finger over the strap of her bag. A distant smile crossed her face as she quoted:
"Plenty of humans were monstrous, and plenty of monsters knew how to play at being human."
Her eyes slowly shifted to Arima's, critical and piercing. He blinked and lifted a brow. Her implication was direct. She believed him monstrous.
Was she wrong?
"Okay, I think that's enough," Taishi placed his hands on her shoulders. "You don't wanna go scaring the kid now."
"Ah!" Her hand flew over he mouth as she reddened, eyes darting to the boy. "I'm so sorry!"
Taishi chuckled and also looked to the kid. "You look cold. Want something hot to drink?"
"Good idea!" Minami held up a finger. "What'd you like? Cider? Cocoa?"
"Uhm," the boy spoke for the first time, voice soft and timid. "I-it's okay. I don't need anything."
"Aw, come on," Taishi urged. "I don't mind. I was about to get something for myself anyway."
"…I like coffee."
"Coffee?!"
Arima shifted his eyes to his friend and Taishi met his stare before sighing and nodding.
"Coffee it is! I'll be right back." He glanced to where the boy held Arima's hand before looking up, "since he seems so attached to you, why don't you stay with the kid?"
He reached up to steer Minami away with him. "And how 'bout you help me? Don't want you saying any more scary things."
The girl gasped, "what?! Was what I said really so bad?"
"Maybe. Seems like a pretty timid little guy."
Minami continued to protest as their voices faded. Arima watched them disappear into the carnival lights before he looked down at the boy beside him.
The child was also watching them, uncertainty the only expression on his face.
"Would you like to sit?" Arima finally asked.
The boy blinked and glanced in his direction, though his eyes remained low. Then they widened a little as he seemed to remember his hand was being held and he immediately drew it away before looking to the bench behind them and nodding.
Arima turned to cross the stretch of pavement, the boy trailing quietly behind him.
He sat and the child hesitated before doing the same, seeming to keep as much space between them as he could.
Arima continued to observe him, mouth pulling into a sad smile. The boy's face and nose were flushed and chapped from the cold, the wind mercilessly pulling at his hair. He held the book tighter, breaths fast and flowing clearly from his mouth.
"Are you alright?"
"…yeah," he answered after a pause. His eyes lowered to the book and he ran a hand over it. "I-I'm just glad it wasn't ruined. I…was worried it would be."
Arima angled his head to try and see the title.
"Dracula?" He voiced.
It was a strange choice for such a young child. Then again, he'd also read it when he was small.
It seemed Minami's pointed line wasn't so out of the blue after all.
"…have you read it?" The child asked.
"I have."
The boy lifted his head slightly, obviously interested, but still didn't look up. Arima could finally see a bit of liveliness sparking on the boy's face though. "It's one of my favorites. My dad gave it to me."
"I see."
"Is it…I mean, do you have a favorite?"
Arima chuckled, "me? No." He turned his head and lifted his eyes to the clouds that were finally starting to disperse. "I'm afraid I would never be able to choose. I've read so many and am very fond of them all."
"How many?"
Arima shrugged, "maybe hundreds."
"Hundreds..." the boy breathed.
Shifting his gaze downward, he caught the boy's stare. The boy glanced away quickly, paused, then slowly glanced back up.
Arima tilted his head at the wonder he saw there. It always surprised him that he was somehow capable of inspiring that. It was the same for many of the younger children in the Garden. It was as if all they really wanted was someone to talk to. Someone to connect with.
Was this boy as deprived of that as they were?
As he had been before meeting Taishi and Minami?
He was gripped by a sudden, aching protectiveness of the boy. It was irrational yet somehow, oddly, fulfilling.
Another impulsive line entered his mind, sourced from the book the child held so tightly.
There are darknesses in life and there are lights, and you are one of the lights, the light of all lights.
And that was the impression the boy gave, he realized. An inexplicable capability to illuminate. Arima didn't know how to explain the sudden sensation and he didn't know what it meant, but it was powerful.
Minami had illuminated a new path, but he somehow knew this boy was a different sort of light. Something more significant. Something life-giving. Like the sun.
The light of all lights.
The boy was giving him a wary look and Arima was aware he was probably looking at him strangely. He blinked and glanced away, adjusting his glasses as he did.
The curious sensation faded but didn't disappear.
"You said your father gave you that book," he motioned toward it casually. "Is he around here somewhere?"
"…no. Just my mom. She's meeting me over here soon."
Arima gave him a brief, pitying look, recognizing that there was more to the story of his father. But he decided not to address it, knowing it wouldn't be his place.
He smiled warmly. "Will she mind me waiting here with you?"
The boy's face flushed. "I-I don't know. I hope not."
Arima nodded then softly sighed as he gazed out at the carnival. It was pleasant beside this boy.
The minutes passed in silence, but it was a welcome, comfortable silence.
At one point Arima glanced over and the boy did the same, before they both looked away again.
It was only a few seconds later that Arima saw Minami and Taishi approaching, both wearing bright smiles. They each held two cups, leading him to assume they'd gotten something for everyone.
"Here you go, kiddo," Taishi handed the coffee over.
The boy timidly reached up to take it, wrapping both hands firmly around it and lifting it to take a slow sip.
He offered a close-eyed smile. "It's really warm. Thank you!"
"Hey, don't mention it," Taishi shrugged as Arima smiled down at the boy.
"Cheers!" Minami lifted her own cup, a refill of the coffee she had spilled, it seemed. She took a sip then stepped toward Arima, holding her other hand out.
"Fura-kun got you a cider."
"Ah," he smiled, glancing to Taishi as he took it. "I had wanted one of these earlier, actually. Thank you."
"Sure thing, pal."
"I told him you weren't too fond of the coffee," Minami added.
"It isn't the best."
"I'm just a glutton for punishment I guess," she glanced to her cup before looking to the boy and tilting her head. "What do you think of it?"
The child's eyes widened as soon as he realized he was being spoken to and he flushed. "Uh-uhm…it's good! It's really good."
Minami giggled, holding a hand over her mouth. "Aww, you're such a sweetheart!"
The boy's flush deepened and he quickly looked down to stare into the dark liquid in his cup.
A cold gust of wind swept through and they collectively shuddered in response, gripping their styrofoam cups just a little tighter. Arima smiled, fully enjoying the sudden shared experience with the people around him.
All three had such life.
"This is nice," Minami sighed, giving voice to his thoughts.
He glanced up at her and she met his eyes, all warmth and energy.
Even knowing what he knew about her…it was almost…
No, that isn't true. Not almost. It is…
Pleasant.
She tilted her head, searching his eyes again, seeming to try and know his thoughts, and he faintly smiled at her.
"So how long you been drinking coffee?" He heard Taishi ask the boy beside him.
"…not very long."
"Huh."
He watched as Minami took a deep breath before looking away and down at the boy instead. A new question was there on her face and it took Arima a moment before he realized what it was she was questioning.
Arima also looked to the boy and observed him carefully, eyes shifting to the coffee wrapped between his hands.
He'd known ghouls who were children. Was he…?
The boy glanced up at him and blinked, gaze intense and full of something longing.
Arima felt warmth spread within his chest and a smile returned to his face.
It isn't likely. And at this point…would it even matter?
"You like cider at all?" Minami asked in a sugar sweet voice.
The boy's eyes darted to her and back to Arima. "…yes?"
"You should let him try yours, Arima-kun!" she urged.
Arima sent her a briefly unimpressed look.
Very subtle, Minami.
But then he saw the excitement and hope dancing on her face and sighed before looking to the boy and extending his cup to him.
"Would you like to?"
"Oh…" the boy looked to the cup in his hand. "A-are you sure?"
Arima silently nodded.
The child very carefully moved closer to him and reached for it. He grabbed it lightly and hesitated before lifting it and taking a small sip.
His face beamed upon trying it and he lifted the cup to take another, longer taste.
"It's great," he said, handing the cup back to Arima before continuing sheepishly. "That's…well, it is better than the coffee."
Arima chuckled at that. "That's very true."
"It's actually a really good cup of cider," Taishi chimed in.
Arima's eye shifted back to Minami and he saw she was staring at his cider with an expression he could only describe as one of craving.
He suddenly understood why. He could see how "outside" she felt. Looking in on something she couldn't really be part of.
He was very familiar with the sensation and was suddenly gripped by an impulsive sense of pity for the girl.
A ghoul in a human world. Trapped in a revolving cage.
"Oh! There's my mom," the boy spoke as he jumped up from the bench, nearly spilling his coffee as he did.
He reached for his book and hugged it close to his chest as he smiled shyly at Taishi and Minami before turning back to Arima.
When he spoke, his voice was small, but hopeful, and Arima was again struck by the force of his light. "Maybe I'll see you here again and we could sit and talk about some more books."
The suggestion was so simple and unassuming; so innocent and unlikely. Arima was swept up in the fantasy of it a moment and he gazed fondly at the boy before giving an honest answer.
"I'd like that."
The boy smiled up at him and it was bright and unreserved.
I do wonder if I'll ever see him again, Arima mused.
The boy turned to go, moving forward with noticeably more confidence in his steps than before. The change was quite remarkable.
"Wait," Arima stood and took a step forward. The boy stopped and turned, watching him curiously. "Kitahara Hakushū. He's a favorite poet of mine. You should read him sometime. If we ever happen to see each other again, let's talk about it."
The child's face brightened once again and he nodded. "Okay! I won't forget!"
He turned and continued toward a frail woman standing near the fallen stack of pumpkins. Arima watched him go, still unable to shake the significance of the boy.
He watched as he approached his mother, who appeared to scold him as she grabbed the coffee from his hand and tossed it into the nearby trash bin before leading him out through the gate.
Arima sighed as he watched the scene, feeling concerned as the boy disappeared with his mother. The protectiveness sprang up again but he fought it back, telling himself it was out of place.
"Hey, you alright, Arima?"
Arima looked to Taishi and nodded, pushing the strange feeling aside. "Yes, I'm fine."
His friend only gave him a look of reluctant acceptance before turning. "Ready to head out?"
"I think so. Minami-san?"
As his attention returned to her, he saw that she seemed to have recovered and she answered him with an enthusiastic nod.
"Mhm! I have that test to study for."
He answered her nod with one of his own before his eyes lowered at the faint catch of movement in the dark.
Crawling along the gravel toward him was a broken centipede. It seemed to struggle with every movement, yet its determination to survive drew it forward. The determination stirred something in him and he continued to watch the creature as a faint smile took the corner of his mouth.
He found himself admiring its will to live.
"What is that?" Minami took a step to his side and tilted her head.
"A centipede."
"Oh? It looks like it was stepped on or something. Is it going to make it?"
Her tone was conversational, but there was something sympathetic in her voice and Arima's hint of a smile widened as he glanced her way.
"I think it has a fair chance. Centipedes are one of the few creatures who can actually regrow their limbs."
"Ah, I see. Thats nice."
A silence fell between them as they watched the insect stop at Arima's foot. It paused there a curiously long moment and he heard Minami softly giggle before whispering.
"I think it likes you."
He only offered a quiet hum beneath his breath as he tilted his head and waited to see how it would proceed.
It slowly began to maneuver around him. The trek slow and, he imagined, quite painful.
"Poor thing," the girl clicked her tongue. "It's kind of beautiful though, isn't it? How hard it's trying."
At evening the falling flowers of the willow Make a twilight, and through it The water surface appears, Reflecting the eyes of the daughter of the house.
Arima lifted his eyes to settle on the side of Minami's face. She was still watching the insect and there was a trace of awe in her gaze.
She was echoing some of his own thoughts again.
While I felt myself caressed in your heart, Your face singularly pale, Suddenly one of the ripples changed its color And showed the eyes of an imaginary ogre.
Her eyes flicked his way then back again before drifting up more slowly once she noticed his attention was on her.
There was something so very human in her eyes just then. No dark, murderous intent. No bloodlust. Just softness and life.
When I, frightened, stared at it, It turned silvery like a tiny minnow, Changed into a harmonica, into an oar, And back into the eyes of the girl.
There was something else too. Something he struggled to identify. Some sort of devotion on her face and its nature struck him as incredibly gentle. It was something warm and sweet.
Seeing her now, it was almost possible for him to believe she'd actually make a different choice.
The willow flowers are falling on A dragon-fly-hunter by the gutter of the eaves, And my mind, tired, alone, Is softly caressed at the surface of the water.
And he was suddenly and curiously tempted to tilt his head and lean in toward her, closing the space between them as he'd done on the Ferris wheel.
"Hey, if you two are about done staring at that bug, we can head on out."
The urge vanished and Arima was grounded again. He glanced over to see Taishi heading toward the gate, a wide smirk in place.
"Oh! Sorry, Fura-kun," Minami gasped before stepping past Arima, flush glowing across her cheeks.
Arima spared the centipede a final glance before he turned to follow his companions.
They left the carnival behind, the lights and sounds dying away into the night. Drops of condensation fell away from the trees and onto the pavement, the icy chill continuing to beat at them as they moved.
And raw reality began to tear away at the little dream of life Arima had experienced that evening.
His eyes lifted to stare at Minami's back, resolve building in spite of what he had learned about her and the feelings of color she had brought him.
The girl had given him something invaluable and he had to prepare himself to return her gift by reaping all she had left.
Hope, life, light…
...despair, death, darkness.
An unfair trade.
But it was the choice he was resolved to make if she followed her current path.
I'll hate myself for doing it, but…I won't forget what you've given me.
If he could somehow bring some justice to the world…somehow give ghouls like her a place to belong then…maybe. Maybe he could someday repay the debt he owed her.
His eyes shifted to Taishi and he thought of the young boy he'd sat with. For them too. Humans needed their place too.
Would we ever be able to fully coexist?
It seemed an impossible ambition but Arima felt a soaring inspiration at the thought. It elevated him above his darkening reality and brought the faintest bit of peace to his mind.
Even if impossible, the pursuit would not be a waste. There was nothing more important he could imagine living for.
The events of the carnival would be always a turning point in his life, he knew. That place which could never fully exist again would be held as a sacred memory where all the things he valued most were kept in space together.
It would drive him forward while he continued to crawl through a field of unimaginable death, always looking to that hope waiting at the end of it all. Something he would tell himself not to lose sight of no matter what he had to do or how it tore him up to reach it.
Like the centipede determinedly moving forward despite falling apart as it did.
He didn't know if he had ever in his life related to anything as he did just then to that small creature.
+.+.+.+.+.+
The city lit by fireflies
They're advertising in the skies for people like us
...can you see the beauty inside of me?
What happened to the beauty I had inside of me?
A/N: My sister gave me the idea for a past meeting between young Kaneki and Arima. She is currently working on a companion story that will include the scene from his perspective ;) I'll update with the link here when she's finished with it! Their father and son dynamic is such a fascinating favorite of mine. I just love their connection.
*** The poet Arima references, Kitahara Hakushū, is the one Kaneki recites when he meets Arima in the manga. Such a beautiful scene for anyone who hasn't read it!