AN: I have recently taken a new interest in this story due to certain factors *cough*lostmuse*cough*, one of which being a renewed interest by some of my readers. So I am going back through it to find my probably many foibles. Bear with me, but if you see further mistakes… please just PM me. Nicely. Asshats and bigots will be ignored.

At the start of this chapter, Naruto and Kushina are supposed to be 17. Right at the same age as Rias and Akeno. In other words, this is otherwise supposed to be the general start of Canon.

Oh yes, Merry Christmas and all that.

Chapter 08 – How did I not see this coming?

A quick, short vacation. A trip to Japan to visit Kushina's friend Rias. That was all this was supposed to be.

How in the Underworld did he not manage to figure out that she meant Rias Gremory? It is not like Rias was a common name, even in the Underworld there was only one he was aware of. Then there were the hints she had been throwing at him, and he, in his possibly densest moment of life, had simply not connected the dots. The snickering of multiple girls was not helping his currently fragile ego.

… Okay, Kushina, Rias and another he had only known in passing Rias' Queen were kind enough to keep to snickering. Mei, Anko, Soifon and Tsume were rolling on the floor while laughing loudly.

He would get them back later.

Zaraki, Yoruichi, and Grimmjow were smirking insufferably.

He would get them, too. Maybe he would unleash Retsu on them.

In a bid to get over the moment, Naruto decided to just take a sip of tea, generously provided by Rias' Queen. Himejima Akeno was a beautiful girl. Visually she seemed to personify many men's idea of Yamato Nadeshiko, the ideal Japanese woman. From the gorgeously kept long black hair styled into a high ponytail, to the hourglass body, the seemingly perfect facial features, and the dainty movements, this girl would not have been out of place in a Miss Japan pageant.

But she was snickering behind a delicate hand. That alone told him that her personality was probably more trouble than her beauty might be worth. The second fact was that she was friends with his beautiful Kushina, which automatically proved that she was likely a sadist of some sort. It was unfortunate that the side effect of consorting with Uzumaki seemed to be an enjoyment of other people's misery.

That thought made him glad he was out of the danger zone for gaining any more women as wives. Kushina said only one other, and she'd chosen Tier. Man, he'd dodged a potential bullet there.

The only ones not laughing at his density were those who habitually showed no sense of humor. In this case that meant Madara, Retsu, Tier, and Konan. It made Naruto glad that they had only really bothered to bring some of their peerages along with them. The rest were held up with other duties, either involved with the school itself, Devil Summons, or dealing with other investments of their Kings.

Naruto reminded himself of those duties as he sipped his tea some more, all the while waiting for the girls to get control of themselves.

Ulquiorra and Starrk were dealing with Naruto's finances. There were some discrepancies cropping up in the monthly reviews, and they had volunteered to handle it. Naruto just hoped it was nothing big and he'd still have his monetary investments when he returned. He also hoped that their volunteering wasn't a conscious choice to avoid this situation. If so, he'd get them back for not warning him.

Byakuya and Toshiro were negotiating a new treatise with the Merfolk of Atlantis. The water-dwellers had recently unearthed a rather large deposit of rare crystals that were terrific as focusing devices for magic. If they could corner that market, then Naruto would have a way of getting on the good side of the human magicians who used such things regularly.

Which left poor Ichigo as the only one with schoolwork. It wasn't that he was behind in his work, oh no. He had been roped into helping certain clubs, specifically the school's Fencing and Martial Arts Clubs, and even their Gentlemen's Club, which was basically a study of butlers.

Strangely Ichigo didn't honestly seem to mind. He even said it was good practice at holding back his devil strength and other abilities. Naruto could not fault his logic, but it still sounded tedious and the last one still threw Naruto for a loop.

Kushina, on the other hand, had a knowing smile on her face when she had heard of the Gentlemen's Club.

Apparently she knows something Naruto does not. Nothing new there. As far as Naruto knew, she was one of the driving forces behind keeping the Gentlemen's Club running. And while he loved her, all the paperwork he had to do otherwise actually made him glad he had no time to participate in any other extracurricular activities.

So here Naruto sits on a couch in in the main room of what was once a school building, re-purposed for Rias' personal use, sipping tea and pretending to not hear the snickers of multiple girls. For that last point he suddenly wished he had joined a human club. Too bad it was far too late for that, and now he would simply have to emulate the father of one of his old schoolmates, Hyuuga Hiashi.

Naruto never thought he would have to emulate that man. They simply did not see eye to eye on anything save that the man's elder daughter, Naruto's former classmate Hinata, was too nice to be a devil. Neither man would have been the least surprised if the white feathered wings of an Angel released from her instead of the bat-like wings of Devilkin. She was just THAT NICE.

Her younger sister, Hanabi, made up for it, though.

"You seem uncomfortable, Naruto-kun," Kushina teased him from her place draped over Rais' shoulder.

He placed his cup of tea down and gave her a blank stare. "No, why would I be uncomfortable? I'm only surrounded by beautiful women; most of whom are snickering up their sleeves at me for whatever reason. My fiancé seems to have something up her proverbial sleeve at the moment that will, almost undoubtedly, be embarrassing. And my only saving grace, so to speak, at this point in time is to hide myself in the enjoyment of a most excellent cup of tea. So, please, tell me why I should be uncomfortable?"

The girls just smiled and said in unison, "Why indeed?"

"Perhaps he senses an Evil Plot in the works, Kushina." Rias said in mock seriousness. Naruto could just hear the capitals for Evil Plot.

"Of course he does, he is to be my husband. If he couldn't sense my Evil Plots I would be most disappointed." Kushina rejoined with vigor.

"Oh, so this means that you have agreed to help me with a little problem?" Rias said eagerly.

"You mean that one that traumatized your entire Peerage? Indeed, I have! By passing the buck to Naruto!" Kushina said without any form of shame.

Naruto just raised an eyebrow. He did not like the sound of that. And why was Rias working against him? Didn't he just save her from a marriage that she didn't want?

Oh, right. Assassination. No one else was to know. Though he did not doubt that Kushina suspected.

This was not to be his day, was it?

XxXxXxXx

No, no it was not. As Naruto stared up at the monstrosity before him with barely concealed revulsion, he sighed inwardly that no good deed goes unpunished in devil society.

"Oh! Devil-kun! You're a new one! Are you here to finally give Mil-tan her magical powers so she can fight against the powers of Darkness?" The creature known as Mil-tan asked in a faux-cutesy voice, hope in its eyes.

"Ah, just to be certain I have this right," Naruto coughed into one hand to cover an attempt to vomit from the sheer nausea caused by this thing in front of him, "You are certain that your destiny is to be a Magical Girl, fighting monsters for the future sake of Mankind. However, as your powers simply haven't awoken yet you have decided that you need a boost of sorts, and have turned to us devils, your professed archenemies, to grant such a boost. Do I have that right?"

"Yes! Mil-tan knew you looked smarter than the previous devils!"

Naruto kept his mouth shut on that one. Barely. But his lips did turn upward slightly imagining Kushina and Rias' expressions if they ever heard such a thing.

Yet, from deep within himself, he felt a surge of mischievousness. His prankster nature came to the forefront with an idea that he simply could not pass up. This would be proper retribution indeed.

He assumed a serious expression and folded his arms behind his back. His voice when he spoke next was as serious as he could manage, "Certainly it can be done. But!" He held up one hand to forestall Mil-tan's excitement, "It is not an easy path! It requires devotion to all that is Good in this world and the next. Mil-tan of Earth, I have heard your request and shall grant unto you the very power that you seek. However you must know that this is not done without sacrifice!"

Mil-tan's expression grew grave, and Mil-tan nodded.

Naruto summoned the Ginjo Family sword, and held it with two hands in front himself, point up. "By this Sacred Blade that knows neither Evil nor Good, and willingly helps anyone, you must choose now: will you die by this blade, to be reborn anew with the magic you seek, or will you cease your Path of Righteousness here?"

Mil-tan's eyes widened in shock and surprise, then narrowed in determination. "My Path is of Justice, I will follow it!"

"So be it," Naruto intoned, and thrust the blade deep into Mil-tan's chest, surging forth the powers of Fire that he had stolen from Riser. The ribbons of red energy flowed strongly into the creature before him, seemingly igniting something lying deep within it as a transformation occurred.

Once he finished, he left via a Teleport Circle. He really didn't want to be there much longer. The loss of logic and reasoning was too much.

Mil-tan blacked out, and when she woke it was to an apartment empty of the young devil, flames dancing on her fingertips, and a true twin-tailed Magical Girl body! Washboard chest, check. Between four and five feet high, check. Hair long and blonde, check. Eyes a bright blue, check. Complexion a beautiful light tan, check. Cute-yet-skimpy magical girl attire, check. No bulging, rippling muscles or man parts, CHECK!

Crying tears of joy, Mil-tan set forth to battle the Forces of Darkness. All while in a pretty little Sailor Scout outfit.

*The author would like to apologize for any trauma he may have inadvertently caused while you read this scene*

XxXxXxXx

A few days later, Naruto was once more sipping tea in in Rias' clubhouse. The gobsmacked expressions of the rest of the room were pure pleasure to his previously tortured soul. With an insufferably smug expression he finally put down the empty cup and turned to the two redheads that had orchestrated his torment. Somewhere in the background the sounds of a magical war seemed to be teeming.

"So, surprise, Mil-tan really did have magical powers. They were just buried very deep." He said calmly. "Didn't quite expect this much, though."

The sound of an explosion went off, rocking the building.

"Do you know what you've done?" Rias asked just as calmly, though one could see her hands shaking and the whites of her eyes were clearly visible.

"Granted a poor young girl her wish?"

A flash of fire appeared on the mountainside in view of the open window.

"You've created a monster!" Rias cried, jumping to her feet and slamming her hands on her desk.

"You shouldn't have asked me to take up her request, then." Naruto replied, still as calm as before, holding out his cup. "More tea, please."

"I didn't think it could be done!"

"That is your fault, not mine."

Akeno refilled his cup in a very robotic fashion, eyes otherwise glued to the chaos that was happening outside. She was rubbing her thighs together every so often subtly.

"Kushina, help me out here!" Rias cried in desperation to one of her best friends.

Kushina just leaned back against the wall behind Rias shaking her head. "Sorry, Rias. I think we outsmarted ourselves. Now we just have to deal with the consequences."

"But what can we do about that?!" Rias pointed to outside her window where the newly created Magical Girl Mil-tan was fighting the Evil Forces of the decidedly unrighteous Fallen Angels.

It seems that at some point in the last hour or so Mil-tan had come across a female Fallen Angel pretending to be a human girl to lure an unsuspecting teen boy into a trap and take his life. She had disagreed, vehemently. And now the two were in an epic duel to the death that was anything but subtle. Or quiet.

Another shock wave rattled the building.

Rias put on a commanding air, pointed an imperial finger at Naruto and declared, "Deal with that!"

Calm sip, "No."

On her knees, pleading, "Please!"

Another calm sip, "No."

Eyes bawling in either frustration or terror, "I'll bear you children!"

Pause with incredulous stare. "No. Kushina and Tier would kill you. Then me."

"Damn right we would," Kushina muttered.

Glare from desperate redhead to the seemingly unconcerned one, "If you aren't going to help, keep quiet!" Turning back to the unconvinced young man, Rias wailed, "Please, Naruto-san! Help me!"

"Why don't you just kill her?" Zaraki questioned loudly, bringing the caterwauling to a halt.

"I like that idea," Naruto said.

"Same," Yoruichi and Grimmjow chorused.

"Or I could," Zaraki offered, and evil grin on his face. "Haven't had a decent fight in ages."

Rias and her entire peerage looked shocked at the eager expression on the giant man's face. Then their own expressions turned thoughtful.

"Why didn't we think of that?" Akeno muttered.

"Probably the human world's thinking," Koneko, a cute, white-haired cat-girl replied blankly.

"Well most of us in this room were human before, right?" Kiba, a blonde-haired bishonen said.

Naruto cleared his throat, "I believe only you and Akeno were human before, of those in this room."

Kiba was surprised, "Really? I thought for sure some of yours..."

"No one knows what Zaraki used to be, Kiba." Rias said gently. "But I'm pretty sure no one in Naruto's peerage was human."

"Oh."

"In any case, no, Zaraki." Naruto said firmly. "I will not unleash you in the human world. Your idea of subtle is an axe with the size and destructive ability of a nuclear bomb."

"So?" The one-eyed giant of a man looked genuinely confused.

"I am not standing before the Maou and explaining why the human world suddenly started World War Three." Naruto's tone brooked no other opinions, and so the big man subsided with a pout.

No one dared to comment on the pout.

Kiba, in an attempt to relieve the awkward tension, cleared his throat. "So, no one else here was human?"

Naruto shrugged as he took another sip. "Kushina has a few former humans, but they are busy in the Underworld. Doing… something."

Kiba looked at him expectantly, and Naruto said irritably, "They aren't MY peerage members, so naturally I don't know why they do in their off-hours."

The blonde former human had the grace to look abashed. Of course Naruto wouldn't bother keeping track of someone else's peerage. He wasn't responsible for them.

"The closest I come to having a former human is Ichigo," Naruto continued with a wave of his hand. "And he's only half-human in origin. So I don't know if you can really count him."

Rias cleared her throat, "While that is all well and good, it does nothing to fix my current problem."

"Which is entirely your problem," Naruto pointed out reasonably. "I already fulfilled your earlier request, now you must deal with the consequences of asking for outside help. Or go to Sona Sitri."

Sip.

"Have fun with that."

Rias pulled at her hair. She turned to Kushina, "How do you put up with him?"

The other redhead shrugged, "I usually find him funny. Not so much right now."

Rias' expression went flat. "You're not typically on the other end of these pranks, in other words."

"Correct." Kushina replied flatly. "I'm usually part of them."

Naruto just took another sip of tea.

XxXxXxXx - Ending Notes

*… I have no excuse. I gave Mil-tan the powers she asked for. And now.. I think I broke something. Oops?

KING: Namikaze Naruto (Devil)

QUEEN: Unohana Retsu (Devil)

BISHOP: Ulquiorra Cifer (Bat Yokai), Coyote Starrk (Coyote Yokai)

KNIGHT: Tier Harribel (Devil). Soifon (Faé)

ROOK: Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez (Panther Yokai), Shihoin Yoruichi (Nekomata)

PAWN: Zaraki Kenpachi (?), Kuchiki Byakuya (Devil), Hitsugaya Toushiro (Ice Apparition), Kurosaki Ichigo (Human-Devil-Fallen Hybrid)

KING: Kushina (Devil)

QUEEN: Uchiha Madara (Devil)

BISHOP: Sarutobi Hiruzen (Human/Magic Knight), Hatake Kakashi (Devil)

KNIGHT: Uchiha Mikoto (Devil), Momochi Zabuza (Half-Oni)

ROOK: Senju Tsunade (Half-Demon/Medicine Woman), Inuzuka Tsume (Human/Beast Tamer)

PAWN: Maito Gai (Reincarnation: Heracles), Konan (Fallen Angel), Mitarashi Anko (Lamia), Terumi Mei (Human/Magus)