- The Faerie -

The deer raised its head with a jolt and then froze. Its thin ears were dancing, turning back and forth, trying to localize the sound it must have heard. A shiver ran through its lean body. The deer seemed to sense the danger and yet it remained where it was, not moving an inch. It was just standing there - waiting.

Mark stretched the string of his bow, aimed and took a deep breath. He held his breath, narrowed his eyes and breathed out while he released the string.

The arrow hit the deer with deadly precision exactly where its heart was. The deer flinched and sank to ground.

Mark dropped his bow and blinked. Everything had happened so quickly, that he almost did not have the time to think about what he was doing.

"Nice shot!"

"Thanks." Mark turned his head and looked at Kieran, who was sitting beneath the trees. Like Mark, Kieran was also a member of the Hunt, but other than Mark, he seemed to enjoy this life. Mark did not know much about him, only that Kieran was from Scotland and that he had been with the Hunt for a long time. Many years ago, he had almost died in a battle and Gwyn had found and made him a hunter. Kieran's hair was dark blue, his left eye silver and his right eye black.

Kieran was one of the few in whose company Mark felt quite comfortable. Kieran treated him not like an outcast, but more like a friend. It was Kieran who always woke Mark up, whenever he started talking about his family in his sleep. First, that had happened quiet often, almost every second or third night. Mark had not been aware of the fact that he was talking in his sleep, but then Kieran had asked him who Ty and Jules were. Mark had not wanted to tell him about them and Kieran accepted that. He had just told Mark, that he had to be more careful. From that moment on Kieran had paid attention to Mark. Sometimes Mark caught him staring at him and then he wondered what the other hunter was thinking about.

It had also been Kieran who had found Mark, when he had tried to kill himself.

- Two weeks earlier -

After the first battle, after that night in which Mark had held the hand of the dying boy, he realized that he would never be like the others. He would never be able to do what they were doing. Mark knew that he would never be a hunter.

Of course, he knew as well that he could never leave, so there was only one way out of this. That night Mark had returned to the Hunt. But while the others had been celebrating the success of the hunt, he had taken one of the arrows and sneaked away from the group. Without thinking, he had gone into the woods until the darkness had swallowed the glow of the fires and the sound of the other voices. In his hand he held the arrowhead, the metal cold against the skin of his palm, the sharp edges cutting into his flesh.

Mark had not been thinking about what he was doing, he only knew that there was no other way. After walking for a while he found a place beneath some trees where he could see the night sky. There he lay down and closed his eyes. One last time he tried to recall the faces of those he loved. One last time he wanted to whisper the words that he had whispered so many times since he had come here, the words that had kept him sane more than once. They had been his salvation, his compass whenever he had felt lost and now they would be his farewell to all the people he loved and would never see again.

"My name is Mark Antony Blackthorn. I live in Los Angeles. Once there was a time I was a Shadowhunter. My father is Andrew Blackthorn. I have sisters and brothers. Helen. Jules. Livvy and Ty. Dru. Tavvy. They're my family. I have Mia. Her hair is soft and smells like berries and her eyes are green. She has kissed me in the library. I have kissed her. I have touched her skin and she has touched mine. Mia. I owe her a date."

Mark swallowed hard. Thinking of Mia hurt the most but he did not want to stop. He wanted to think of her, her face, her hair and the sound of her voice. He wanted to remember everything about her, remember how it had felt to hold her in his arms, how her body had shivered when he had kissed her and how sweet her lips had tasted. Sometimes he still could taste the mixture of hazelnut and lip balm. Mark felt the tears burning behind his closed eyelids. The awareness that he would never kiss or hold her again, never hear her voice and the sound of her laughter again, made his heart turn cold.

Suddenly regret came washing over him. There were so many things he regretted, so many things he had wanted to say or do, but never said or did, believing he would still have enough time. That it had taken him almost three years to finally kiss Mia seemed now like such a tremendous waste of time. He regretted that he had never told her that he enjoyed her company more than anything else and that their meetings in the library were the highlights of his days. Mark had wanted to tell her that it was her who made all of his days brighter and that her faith in him made him a better person than he ever had hoped to be.

And now he would never get the chance to. Just as he would never get the chance to tell his siblings how much he loved them for all of their unique traits and that he missed them so bad that it made his heart ache.

Mark sobbed quietly and opened his eyes. There were thousands of stars above him, shining down on him. For a brief moment, it felt peaceful, as if nothing had happened. And for a brief moment, Mark almost forgot why he had come here. But then he felt the metal of the arrowhead again and remembered what he wanted to do.

Slowly Mark raised his hand and looked at the piece of the weapon. The moonlight made it sparkle and look almost beautiful. Mark raised his other hand, put the sharp metal on his wrist and held his breath.

The pain was bearable. It was just a short cut, barely visible until the blood began spilling out of Mark's wrist. Mark grimaced and quickly cut his other wrist as well, before he let his arms sink to the ground.

He felt the blood running over his skin and his hands and he knew that this was the end. The thought was not frightening, but soothing. Mark looked at the stars again and tried to think of his family and Mia, until he felt his body becoming heavy and numb. He sighed deeply and whispered, "I'm sorry, Mia."

Then he closed his eyes and waited for death to finally come and take him.

But instead of death, Kieran had found him. It had been the pain that had woken him up again; a sharp, burning pain, and Mark suddenly knew that he was not dead. Slowly he opened his eyes and saw Kieran, who was bent over him. He held Mark's hands and Mark could see that he was suturing his wounds.

Mark wanted to protest, but he could not move; his body was too weak. He tried to speak, but only a croaking sound emerged from his throat. Kieran turned his head and looked at Mark.

"What on earth do you think you're doing here? Are you completely out of your mind?"

"Go," Mark whispered, his voice weak and hoarse. "Go away. Let me die."

"You're not going to die," Kieran countered. "Have you forgotten that we sense the death? When someone is dying, we all feel it. You are lucky it's me who found you and not one of the others."

Mark tried to pull back his hands but Kieran intensified his grip. "Hold still and let me handle this before Gwyn sees you." He wrapped some fabric around Mark's wrist and murmured, "If he finds you, you will regret what you just did. Don't you know that something like this won't stop him? Did you really think he would let you die? Stupid boy!"

Mark closed his eyes and cried silently. Death had been his final straw, his last way out, the last chance - and now it was gone. He did not care whether Gwyn found out about his attempt to kill himself - he already was in hell and it could not get any worse.

Kieran finished bandaging Mark's wrists and laid his hand carefully on Mark's chest. Mark sobbed and gasped for air.

Kieran sighed and said softly, "I know how you feel. We've all been where you are. But let me tell you that it will get better. You will learn to live like this."

Mark looked at him, his eyes full of desperation. "I can't. You should have let me die."

Kieran shook his head. "Of course you can. You just have to stop clinging to your old life, Mark." He sat down beside Mark and leaned his back against one of the trees. "This is who you are now, the old Mark is gone. Everything you knew is gone, your friends and family are gone. And recalling their names every night will not change that. It will only make things harder for you. And the sooner you accept that, the sooner you will learn to live as a hunter."

Mark remained silent and Kieran said, "I know it's hard, but this is all you have left now. And it's not too bad after all. Look at us, we live the way we want to. We don't have to justify what we do. We are free."

"We are not free," Mark objected. "I am not free. Nobody asked me if I wanted to be here."

Kieran examined his face and said, "I know you don't want to hear it, but you were given a choice. You had the choice whether to eat and drink or to refuse. You chose to eat. And now you have to live with that decision."

Mark closed his eyes again. And again, he felt the tears burning on his cheeks. He still felt weak and dizzy because of the blood he had lost, but he also felt that Kieran had done a good job suturing his wrists and for a moment, he hated the other hunter for saving his life.

Kieran sighed once more. "We all have done things we do regret. And I bet there will be things in our future that we're going to regret - but that's how it goes. You have to learn to let go." He paused for some moments before he added, "Again you have a choice. Either you can choose to cling to your old life - in that case you will continue to suffer. You will be missing everything you once had and still wish you were dead. Or you decide to accept your fate and become one of us. In that case you can finally embrace your new freedom and all the opportunities it offers. It's your decision, Mark."

Slowly Mark opened his eyes and looked at Kieran. "I don*t want to be a hunter. I don't want to live like this." His voice broke. He knew he should not expose his soul to Kieran, but it felt so good to be able to talk with someone. This weight had been so heavy on his heart for so long, that it finally felt good to speak it out loud. The fact that he did not know if he could trust Kieran, did not stop him.

"I don't belong here. I don't want to be here. I just want to go home …"

Mark started sobbing. He did not want to, but there was nothing he could do. He did not care whether it was embarrassing or weak - he just could not stop the tears. He cried until his chest burned and it felt like there were no more tears left. All this time Kieran did not do anything. He just sat there and watched Mark without saying a word. When Mark finally had calmed down a little bit, Kieran spoke again.

"Listen. I know that you miss your family, but they're gone. And even if it hurts - to them you are history. How long have you been with us now? For quite a long time. And yet they have not come for you, have they?"

Mark held his breath and stared at Kieran, whose face was cold and withdrawn. "They know where you are, right? They know you*re with the Hunt. They know where to find you. But they haven't done anything. They -"

"You're lying!" Mark interrupted him. "They are looking for me."

"I am not lying!" Kieran shook his head. "And deep inside you know that it's the truth. It doesn't matter whether you repeat their names night after night - they have already given up on you. And you have to realize that, Mark."

Mark could not speak anymore. He had been thinking about this many nights. So many times he had wondered if his siblings or Gideon and Alexandria were looking for him. He had always tried to get rid of the frightening thought that they might just leave him behind. He had tried to hold on to hope, but somewhere inside his mind had been that little voice that had been telling him exactly the same thing Kieran was telling him now.

Mark felt something inside him break. He did not know what it was, but suddenly a dark cold feeling spread across his chest. He knew Kieran was probably right. Even if the others had not known that he was still alive or where he was - the blonde boy and the girl with the red hair must have told them where to find him.

And yet nobody had come. Never before had Mark felt so desperate and alone. It was as if the world had forgotten him. As if Kieran knew exactly what was going on in his mind, he said softly, "Don't be afraid to be one of us. You don't have to suffer, Mark. Accept your fate and you'll get the chance to live a new life."

Suddenly there were voices somewhere behind the trees. With a jolt, Kieran turned his head and rose quickly to his feet. With one quick look at Mark he hissed, "Don't move! Don't speak! Don't even breathe! I'll take care of them."

Before Mark could say anything, Kieran was gone. He could hear the voices but did not understand what they were talking about. He had no idea how long he had been lying there on the cold ground, before Kieran finally came back. Mark still felt weak and numb, but he wanted to live. Being so close to death had shown him that he did not want to die.

He looked at Kieran and asked quietly, "Why do you help me?"

Kieran hesitated, before he answered, "Because we are alike, you and I. And because I want you to live."

For a moment they just looked at each other without saying anything. There was something about Kieran that made Mark want to trust him. He knew that if he stayed alive here, he would need a friend, someone he could trust. And that person could be Kieran.

That had been the point of no return. Once again, Mark had to decide, and once again, he decided to live - even if it meant living a life as a hunter. He felt that Kieran war right, he had to accept his fate; and that was exactly what he was going to do.

That had been the moment Mark Blackthorn had become a hunter.

- Now -

"You're getting better and better." Kieran sounded pleased. "I knew you would learn to handle the bow." He knelt down beside the dead deer and started to gut the animal.

Mark waited some steps behind. Killing was still strange to him, even if it was just a deer. He did not like taking an other creature's life, but he accepted the need.

Kieran was focused on the deer, so Mark turned around and lingered towards the clearing. He knew that the lake was not far away and for a brief moment he thought about taking a bath. He had always loved water - or at least he believed he had always done.

The truth was that he began to forget his old life more and more. Of course, he still knew who he was and where he was coming from, but it did not seem to bother him any longer. Sometimes faces or names flashed up in his mind, but they made no sense. Mark had stopped missing his family, for they did not seem to miss him either - at least none of them had tried to find him.

Mark took a deep breath and called, "I'll go to the lake. I need a bath."

Kieran raised his head and said ironically, "Oh, of course. Just leave the dirty work to me. I'll clean up after you."

Mark turned around and smiled at the other hunter. "I'll wait for you at the lake."

Before Kieran could say anything, Mark had vanished between the trees. He moved through the woods like a shadow; something he had learned from Kieran, like so many other things. Mark was thankful for Kieran's company. Being with him made him feel less alone.

The lake was calm as always. Mark dropped the bow and the arrows beneath some trees and pulled his shirt over his head. When he was about to drop the shirt as well, something caught his eye. Mark moved closer to one of the trees and examined its bark. There was something carved into it, like a picture. It was already withered, as if it was very old. Mark narrowed his eyes. Something about the picture was familiar to him, although he did not know what it was.

Slowly he raised his hand and traced the lines with his fingers. It looked like a cross with some flowers wound around it. Somewhere inside he knew that the picture meant something. There was something about the cross that made him think of hazelnuts and coffee.

Mark frowned and pressed his hand on the bark. Suddenly his skin seemed to glow. There was warmth spreading through his body, he had not felt for a long time.

"What is it?"

Kieran's voice brought Mark back to reality. Quickly he dropped his hand and shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know. Someone carved something into the tree."

Kieran moved closer. "I've seen that picture on other trees as well. That's weird." He looked at Mark and asked, "Do you think we should tell Gwyn?"

Mark grimaced. "It's just some silly picture. Maybe someone was bored. Maybe someone marked his way. It's nothing."

"I guess you're right." Kieran nodded, pulled his shirt over his head and called, "The last one to reach the other side of the lake has to carry the meat back to the others!" Her turned around and ran toward the water.

Mark hesitated and looked at the picture again. Something told him it was important, that it had to be there for a reason.

"Mark! What are you waiting for?" Kieran had already reached the water. With a sigh, Mark followed him into the lake. Before he had reached the water, he had already forgotten the sign.