A/N: MISS ME GUYS?! I'm working almost daily and I feel like crap, as to that effect. But nevertheless, despite this pesky little hiccup-I wanted to get word out any way I could, and since for some strange reason the site is being buggy, I wasn't able to work on this anywhere near as much as I would've liked. Still...so many reviews!

I love you guys so much! *Cries*

Now, this chapter might be a bit confusing consider I haven't done something like this in awhile. With good reason! My job has been beating the living hell out of my as of late! This was REALLY had to write with being tired from work; exhausting, actually. But I'm proud of it, and I hope you enjoy it as I finally get some rest.

This story was birthed from the idea that came from watching Batman: Assault on Arkham. Needless to say, it gave me quite a few idea. Classic movie. Funny, too. Wish we had more like it. Beautiful women, great acting, and did I mention the women? Harley had me in stitches, Killer Frost, and even the glimpse of the lovely Poison Ivy that we were given. And then, then I thought to myself, now what if I did something with this?

So a poll was held, votes were tallied. Three fics were created, and this one of them! I got so many damn votes on the thing that I had to reset the poll and start over! Naturally, being the lord of insipid, happy, silly endings that I am, I decided to do go with this first. Now, after a brutal round of Winter Storm Thor...

...happy belated spring! Sorry if its short, but hey, I'm back, folks! And as to how Naruto got here in the first place? Easy. Reality/The Universe as a whole seems to be broken almost every other day in this show; small wonder he popped up! And yes, a few changes have been made...WARNING! LOOOOOTS of language and crazy in this chapter! And to those who dislike Amanda Waller as much as I did in the flick...rejoice!

...I'm bashing the living hell out of that fat fucking whale! Fair warning tho, if you haven't seen the movie Batman: Assault on Arkham, you're gonna be REALLY confused...also I find Korn's Coming Undone as a very fitting track for this chapter; really helped me get into an insane mood, hehehehe...remember, this Naruto is dark as hell.

He only really cares about Harley at this point...hence the LEMON in this chapter!

"Lets see; that's one, two, three, four-aha! There we go. Five. Five burning buildings. Pretty nice, eh?"

~?

Burn Baby Burn

Apparently "just fine" involved being gassed. Again.

Harley realized it the moment she opened her eyes and found the white room gone; replaced by a cargo bay, her body shackled tightly to a chair. Hmm. That was a new one. Kinky! "Ah! There we go." Laughter greeted her ears, exultant and amused. Her eyes fluttered open at once, gradually becoming aware of a dark shape taking form-crouched-in front of her. Hmm? She blinked as someone touched her chin, lips ghosting over hers with a lingering sweetness, a warmth on her hips that did wonders for her numbed mind.

'Oh yeah, baby, that's the SPOT-

"Wakey, wakey, pudding." A hand patted her cheek, hauling her out of the blissful kiss. "We're almost there."

Damnit.

With those words, Harley's vision snapped into crystal focus.

She grinned, recognizing Naruto's visage, hovering before her own. "Loco!"

He preened and leaned back, looking quite pleased with himself. "The one and only."

For a moment it looked as though he were about to say something else, do something else, then he noticed that the others were beginning to stir. "Ah. Morning maggots! Enjoy your naps?" A cackle lilted over the words as they groaned; a few even dared to curse him as he swung by their chairs. One in particular.

"Asshole! You gassed us again!"

"That I did, Captain Kangaroo. Comes with the territory." Naruto thumped him with the butt of his rifle when he passed by, uncaring for the poor man's retort.

"Boomerang!"

"Yup, yup, whatever you say." he laid the battered weapon down on a nearby bench, then promptly set to work disassembling and cleaning it. A moment of silence followed, broken only by the clatter of parts upon the table whilst he worked. "So, before we get started, anything I can offer ya? Party favors? Sharkies, ya want some meet?" At the latter's nod he kicked open a cooler and extracted a wet haunch of thigh, something that, Harley gave a bit of thought, looked disturbingly human.

"Catch!"

The giant watched the sailing steak with a predatory intensity. Then, in a manner befitting his moniker, his head snapped up, caught the steak, and clamped down. In a matter of moments it was gone, devoured before their very eyes.

"...hur." he grunted. "Good stuff. Maybe you're not so bad after all.

"No, no, no, I wouldn't say that. But hey, we're all palsies here. Anybody want a smoke?" Only Deadshot accepted the offer, catching the proffered cigar between his teeth. Naruto gave him a light, and, after a muttered thanks, the infamous shooter inhaled deeply.

He promptly spat it out, looking disgusted.

"Ugh," the assassin scowled. "Tastes like shit."

Naruto snickered.

"Don't get your panties in a twist, Dickshot. Very unprofessional-

His hand rose smoothly, a first intercepting the sharpened shard of metal. Fingers closed around the impromptu projectile and crushed it into a ball, sending the sundered piece of steel clattering away to the deck. A pall of sinister silence fell.

"Okay...

He didn't even glance back at Black Spider, conspicuously absent from his chair. Paid no attention to the shadow skulking behind him.

...that was just rude."

In the next instant Harley heard a hard crack of knuckles meeting flesh, and then someone went stumbling back to their chair. By the time she caught a good look at the famed killer, he was already sporting an equally famous swollen eye, accompanied by a split lip. When that growl of a voice spoke again, it was distinctly lacking its humorous baritone.

"Keep your ass in that chair boy, or Imma whoop you so hard you won't be able to tell down from up!"

"How did you know I was there?"

"You were masking your presence. Basic ninja technique nowadays." A darkness seemed to fall over the older man. "Who the fuck do you think invented that shit?"

And then, like a ray of sunshine breaking through a thundercloud, that smile returned.

"See, why can't you lot be more like my Harley?" Naruto said spinning towards her. "She didn't complain. She didn't try to kill me. Gold star!" My? Ohhhh. A thread of warmth spooled through her belly, nestling between her legs. If she wasn't tied down to this damn thing-ah, what the hell."

"I'd rather have a kiss." she purred.

His eyes flashed, and Harley saw something in them that could only be described as a hunger. Then it was gone, leaving her to wonder if she'd just imagined it after all.

"Maybe." he thrummed, his mouth brushing hers. "Only if you're a good girl."

Two could play that game.

"Maybe when we get into Gotham, I can show ya around." she purred, grinning. "I know some tight places." her body wriggled suggestively in the chair, catching those mismatched eyes. A bark of laughter followed, rich and throaty. It set every nerve she had on fire. That laugh was like Mista J's but worse; completely and totally unhinged, without so much as a scrap of decency to hold it in check. Perhaps that was what aroused her so, the idea of someone that loony-that insane-showing such blatant interest in her.

"No doubt." His teeth flashed out at her in that foxy smile, blue eyes dancing. "I might just take you up on that offer. Thing is tho'...I don't feel like waiting."

"Wait, you wa' serious-mmph!"

Her words died as he stepped in and leaned forward, his mouth closing over hers with a hunger that silenced all speech. Even shackled as she was, the clown queen found her breath taken away, snatched by the hulking figure towering over her. It was like being kissed by a Firework. Explosive, and she was instantly addicted. Mista J' was never like that. Naruto might have a few bats in his belfry,but he was a surprisingly gentle kisser in spite of his own-much-stated desire for her.

His tongue licked at her lip, questingly, and that was it. She was done. Finished. One-punch-knock-out. Home-Run. Touchdown. And many, many more colorful words existed in her vocabulary, but in that instant, as she felt his hands stroking her neck and shoulders, coaxing, not taking, her mind was too preoccupied to form the words. There it was.

On a moan her mouth parted for him, head angling to deepen the kiss-

And it stopped.

She gawped at him for a moment, unbelieving of what he'd just done. That roguish smile told her he knew exactly what he was doing, ad she wanted to slap him silly for it! Kissing was one thing, but to deliberately get her hot and bothered...

"I...you...oh...that's not fair!"

"Think of it as a promissory note." Naruto smiled, his fingers trailing her cheek.

Captain Boomerang laughed at the sight.

"Oi, Harl! Mind heaving a chunk of that my way, eh?"

"Blech!" she turned her head and spat. "You wish! Go shake your boomer-wang at the shark guy!"

King Shark growled at the affront.

"Do it, and I'll bite if off!"

Frost snickered.

"Well, can't blame a bloke for trying. I mean, who wouldn't want a piece of that?" Captain Boomerang shared a laugh as well...that is, until he saw the dead-eyed look Naruto was giving him. Harley froze. Ahhhhh, crap. She knew that look. She'd see it a thousand times on Mista J' but this, this was different. That blank expression was simultaneously possessive and furious all at once, and with a pang of surprise, she realized what had ruffed his jammies. Boomer had hit on her. A seemingly harmless remark, but on another plane...

Deadshot swore. "Oh, fuck."

"Eh? Oi, what?" the captain frowned at the blond's seemingly expressionless visage-not at all aware of the sudden silence in the hold. "Something I said, mate?" The once warm temperature virtually plummeted at those words, dropping at least twenty degrees. Harley felt herself shiver anew, a tingle of old dread mixing with newfound excitement.

"Ah, Boomer. I really liked you, too."

"What? What?!" The poor Aussie was visibly starting to panic now. "What the hell's going on, Harl?!"

Beyond her sight, Naruto moved slowly and steadily, the light crump of his boots gliding across the metal floor as he circled towards the captain. Not a single movement was wasted; there was no rush, no hurry, not so much as a single wasted breath.

When he finally reached him-when he finally spoke-his voice was so cold, so frigid, it gave even Killer Frost chills.

"I'm sorry, did I say you could hit on my girl?"

"S-Sorry, I didn't think...

"No, you didn't."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold on a minute ma-

Whatever else he might have said ended as the blond smoothly reached down, gripped him by the neck, and yanked. Craaack. Boomer's head came free from his neck with a terrible ripping pop, blood spattering across Naruto and the convicts as his fear-frozen visage was shorn free and subsuquently tossed aside without so much as another word. Just like that. There was a silence. And then.

And then.

Naruto chuckled blackly. "Oh dear. Looks like he lost his head."

Had he control of his hands, Deadshot would've facepalmed.

King Shark started laughing. "Ha!"

Frost wasn't of the same opinion.

"What the fuck?!" she cried! "Why'd ya do that?!"

"He annoyed me."

"I can see that!"

"Then you know why." Naruto hummed softly, walking past, leaving the dead man in his chair, neck still flopping wetly about. "Oops." he said as the alarms began to flash a warning red. "Better get rid of this before we drop."

"Wait, drop?"

"Yup."

A boot lashed out, kicking the Captain from his seat. Moments later, he claimed it for himself, snuggling next to Harley. The harness folded over him seconds later, locking him in with the rest. Pearly white teeth flashed out at his clown queen.

"This seat taken?"

She grinned. "Nope."

"Well, now that we've taken care of that unpleasantness, I really think ya'll should hold on-

Then they were dropped.

Dropped from a plane!

Naruto was having the time of his life.

He hadn't had this much fun in...well, ages!

The drops, in his opinion were always the best, if only for the sheer chaos he inevitably caused upon landing. Parachutes were for pussies. He loved the roar of the wind in his face and he roared back, the wild whoop of sound nearly eclipsed by the terrified screams-or laughter in Harley's case!-of his charges as they hurtled towards what they thought was their imminent demise. He thought he heard their parachutes deploy just before he hit the first building.

His descent was a little off, more on an angle then the others. Ooh, that was a big building...

Skyscraper. He loved those.

"What part of quiet don't you understand?!"

He could hear Waller cursing him through the earpiece; he laughed her down and thrust an arm forward, cloak flaring, as the wall roared up to greet him like a long lost friend.

This is my favorite part!

Brick and mortar and glass burst before him as he plowed through the building unimpeded; then another. And another. Aaaand another. He counted nearly five buildings before his fiery descent finally brought him back to the street, back to earth.

Back to reality.

Momentum and gravity hit all at once, nearly tossing him onto his back even as he kicked out with his feet. Just in time. Boots bit into asphalt, chomping down huge chunks of pavement-and more than a few cars as he ground his heels in, forcibly slowing his acceleration. By the time he'd managed to slow to a walk, half a block was gone. On fire.. Just...burning. People. Families. Lives were likely, even now, ending, destroyed because he couldn't be bothered to care.

And he didn't feel a drop of pity.

It wasn't his fault; not really. He'd simply lost the capacity to care was he once had. Life had ripped it out of him with his sanity, leaving little more than an empty shell. Hollow was wood. He took what pleasure he could in life nowadays. Anything was better than a pitiful, empty existence.

The ancient blond whistled softly, squinting beneath a hand.

"Lets see; that's one, two, three, four-aha! There we go. Five. Five burning buildings. Pretty nice, eh?"

With a jaunty tune, he jogged back to his convicts.

Back to Harley.

"Hope she didn't land on her head...

"Cobblepot, you old bastard!"

Naruto spread his arms wide in greeting as they crossed the balcony into the Iceburg Lounge. His voice boomed out a hearty welcome, echoing across the armed guards like greeting of an old gong. One of them gave a small start, but a glance from the owner sent him standing still as ice once again. It seemed comraderie severed the blond just as well as his gifts for intimidation. He was

Harley wondered about that as those beady eyes locked on him.

"You." It was not a question.

Naruto grinned. "Me! Didn't ya miss me, ya old bird?"

Penguin favored him with a rueful smile.

"Can't say that I did, after what you did to my lounge the last time you were here. Still, the enemy of my enemy is my friend, as I say. Here's your share as per our usual arrangement." He pushed away his plate of fish, accepting both a file, and an exorbiantly large wad of cash from one of his men. Harley knew protection money when she saw it; what bothered her, even as she hid behind his back, was thus. When had Naruto gotten a hook like that into Penguin...?

"I've made arrangements to sneak you and your little "squad" as it t'were, into the crazy farm, just like you asked." he was saying as she came back to herself. "You deploy tomorrow under the cover of darkness, so be sure you get some rest in the rooms above and follow them to-

Then he saw her.

"YOU!" His fist smashed the table and went for a gun. "CLOWN!"

She blanched. Ah, crap.

"You're not still mad about that truck, are ya, Pengy?" it came out as a small squeak as she stepped into view of that cannon. To her surprise, Naruto moved with her, the bulk of his body shielding her from the wrath of that hulking gun. Deadshot frowned, his hands rising slowly, eyes never leaving Naruto. The man was still suspiciously still...

"Are we really going to play "who has the bigger gun" here, boys?"

Half-a-dozen guns now leveled themselves at them.

Frost deadpanned.

"Wah-wah."

Harley gulped.

"I'm thinkin' we are...

"You cost me money, funny girl!" Penguin was working himself into a right state now, his mottled jowls purpling with rage. "Nobody cheats the Penguin! You hear me, Lawton?!"

"Then I'm sure they wouldn't want to hear that you cheat your clients-

"Enough."

One word from Naruto. That was all it took.

"I don't do double-crosses Penguin." Those angry eyes flashed as he stepped forward to take the files in hand. "I also don't brook threats to me or my operatives lightly. Now," a hand was raised, idly cradling a rasengan in its palm, "Unless you'd like me to feed you all of your vital organs through your mouth, I suggest you put the peashooters away. Before I get angry. See, my hand really wants to kill you right now but I'm still mulling it over. Don't make the decision for me."

The Rasengan inched closer.

A moment of silence followed as the psychotic blond stared down the crime lord, neither yielding. Finally, the latter caved.

"Get 'er out of my sight, lad." he muttered, looking away from those eerie orbs. "Before I do something I'll regret."

The blond smiled cheerily and took her by the arm.

"Pleasure doing business with ya, Pengy."

For all his talk of being ever away, sneaking up on Uzumaki Naruto proved deceptively easy.

Harley waited until she was certain he'd stepped into the shower, then she waltzed in after him. Simple as that. He didn't emerge from the bathroom, didn't protest, didn't do anything at all. Quinn cast her clothes aside a moment later and crept into his bed. She was just about about to turn out the light and wait for him in the dark when she saw the photo.

"Huh?" she frowned, pausing. "Well, whaddya know...

Waded and old she took great care with it when her hand grazed the weathered image, considering. It was beaten and worn, but she could still make out a picture. Was that...was that a young Naruto? It was! Cute! She giggled a little at the sight of his frown, that perturbed expression looking so out of place on that childish face.

Peering closer she realized he wasn't along in the picture. She saw him there with a pink-haired girl, a boy who looked positively broody, and a one-eyed man, with hair the color of ashes. Huh. She hadn't thought Loco was one for sentimentality. He'd always struck her as the type who lived in the here and now. Not someone to dwell on the past.

The padding of bare feet alerted her to his presence; without thinking, she rolled off the bed and onto the floor. Brr! Cold! Honestly, it was a miracle he didn't hear her!

Still she lay there, patiently, oh so patiently, until she heard the bed creak. The lights flicked off a moment later. She counted to ten.

Then, and only then did Harley move. Standing slowly, oh-so-slowly careful to make the slightest noise...

What she saw as she stood caused a thin line of drool to form at the the corner of her mouth. Whoa, mama! She shook herself, battling back the urge to simply pounce on him then and there. She licked her lips, rubbing her hands together as she crept closer.

Naruto slept in the nude!

With his back to her his hair and body glistened with fresh moisture from the shower, lending new light to the scars criss-crossing his back. So many scars. Not quite enough to take away from his attractive features, yet more than enough to make her warm in places she didn't even know she had. Just like that, her last glimmer of patience slipped away.

Well, so much for stealth.

"BANZAI!"

With a war cry on her lips the clown pounced on him, leaping atop the still-slumbering blond. She didn't get far. Instead of startling away he simply grabbed her, his hands gripping her hips and hoisting her upright. She squealed in surprise, the sound muffled against warm lips, his hands roaming, kneading, driving her insane-well, more insane then she already was. She'd been played, Harley realized. Naruto hadn't been sleeping after all; he'd simply been waiting for her, biding his time. It was...

...well, kinda hot, really.

"Ehehehe...did ya miss me?" she grinned cheekily as they broke for breath.

His voice dipped into a throaty growl.

"Well, now...to what do I owe the honor?"

"I got an itch I thought you could help me scratch, loco." she drawled back, pressing him down to the bed. His eyes crawled over every inch of her in the dark, drinking in her creamy skin framed by the moonlight; her beautiful bosom, full hips, even now rocking against him invitingly. "Whaddya say?"

His response honestly startled her. Instead of speaking, he simply leaned up and began kissing her breast. Her back arched, a silent thrill shooting through her.

Then he put his mouth...there!

Her mind went white. Oh! Wowowowowowowwow! Mista J' never did that-down! Harley ruthlessly drove all thoughts of her abusive ex from her mind. Just for now, just for now, she wanted to have some peace. To exist without thinking about him, without the Joker's shadow hanging over her every thought. She wanted to be distracted. Thankfully Naruto was being very, very very distracting at the moment. Her legs clamped down with a spasm, the sudden orgasm overtaking her with such force that she actually cried out.

"Hmm," she giggled, "This reminds me of-ah!-a joke about a clown car...

She leaned down to kiss him again-to draw him away from her legs and back to her mouth-and found herself flipped like a jack. Strong arms pinned her hands to either side of her head. She grinned, cooing softly as his throbbing erection pressed against her moist slit. Her hips tried to wriggle against him again but he held her still, locking her legs with his. It was torture, it was torment, it wasn't fair...and she was loving every moment of it.

"Oooh, nice start!" she cackled, straining against him. "So, Loco, you gonna give me that scratch I've been waiting for...?"

"Oh, I'll doing more than scratching, 'ttebayo...

Harley's grin turned savage.

"I'll say!"

Her legs locked around his waist and forced him inside. Together, they whipped off the bed, ravaging one another like mindless animals.

Lamps crashed. Windows smashed. Ceilings and walls were shattered like so much glass. Harley didn't care. Naruto didn't care. They tumbled around the room in a wild tangle of arms and legs and mouths and sex, not caring what was in their way, taking advantage of any horizontal surface they could find. They explored every inch of each other that night and then some; learning every nook, cranny, and nuance of one another that'd never been knowing, kissing, grasping, kneading, thrusting, until...until...UNTIL...!

Until the entire city of Gotham heard one rapturous, climaxed word.

"Yahtzee!"

A/N: There we go! Naruto and Harley! I left the ending deliberately ambiguous, considering that these two can raise all sorts of hell together. You think this is crazy? Check out my Naruto x Killer Frost fic! Then there's the Poison Ivy one.

So...in the immortal words of Atlas...And here it is! The preview of the scene you've all been waiting for! Story takes a hard right here!

(Preview)

"Harley? Is it really you?"

She shattered, came together, and shattered all over again, her world falling to a thousand pieces the moment she heard that damn voice. No. Her body refused to obey, to move another inch. She lost track of the dead guards at their feet, the blood on her hands, the arm on her waist. She wanted to cry, weep, and shout all at once.

"No...

She saw him, standing there behind the glass, utterly unfazed by the four walls of his prison, of his confinement. As if he'd planned the whole thing all along. Perhaps he had. You never knew with Mista J-NO! She wasn't thinking like that! Wasn't thinking of him!

Oh, no no no no...

"Hmm?" Naruto's voice was a low rumble in her ear as he led her away. "Friend of yours?"

"..."

"Aren't you even going to say hello?" Mista J chuckled. "Introduce me to your new friends?" A whistle followed. "Hello? Harl? Harleeey? Are you just going to stand there all day, or are you going to come over here?" Her stomach did an angry flip, blood rushing to her face as she marched away. She had to leave. NEEDED to leave before...before...

"What's your hurry, Harl?"

That.

"Kill him...I...am going to...

"Wah-wah." Killer Frost sighed, stepping out of the way. "Shoulda known this would happen...

"Aw, I can tell you're still sore." Joker crooned, having finally gotten her attention. "At least the bruises cleared up nicely-

In a flash she'd snatched a gun off the floor, pulling it from a guard's corpse.

Uh-oh.

"Tsk, tsk, tsk. Sorry hun. Bulletproof." Joker called as she raised the handgun.

"Even better...puddin!"

She never had a chance to fire.

THUNK!

In an impossible movement Naruto twisted around, shoved her aside, ripped the Head Cleaver from his back, and THREW that son of a bitch. The massive weapon arced forward, tumbling end over end for what felt like a small eternity. It sank into the glass as though it t'were made of butter, slicing through and glass, then flesh, then bone-

Joker screamed. Then he laughed. Then he screamed again.

Naruto's smile was positively beatific. "Ah...much better."

Numbed, Quinn found herself following him as he strode into the cell, stepping over the what had once been impenetrable glass. Kubikirihoucho lay firmly wedged into the wall. Joker's right arm...not so much. The blade had severed it just above the elbow, leaving the normally comical clown writhing in agony on the ground in a pool of his own viscera.

"Oh, I'm sorry." Naruto cooed, wrenching his blade free from the wall. "Did that hurt?"

Blood-bleached teeth clenched at him in an angry smile, his remaining limb desperately trying to staunch the ever-large puddle of blood flowing beneath him, soaking into

"Why, Harley," he ground out through those gritted teeth, "If I didn't know better, I'd say your friends are trying to kill me. That was a perfectly good arm!"

She snarled.

"We're finished, you and me! I got someone new now. Someone BETTER!" Was that jealousy she saw in those eyes? Anger? Good!

"New guy?"

"That's right!" she sneered down at her former beau. "You're not jealous, are ya?"

Her finger jerked over a shoulder, her painted face preening with pride as she indicated Naruto. "That's him."

Naruto growled.

"She's mine."

...Review, Would You Kindly?

R&R! =D