A/N: MISS ME GUYS?! HAPPY EASTER! THIS IS MY GIFT TO YOU ALL! Especially, considering I'm jobless. I'm also violent ill, and I feel like crap, as to that effect. But nevertheless, despite this pesky little hiccup-I wanted to get word out any way I could, and since for some strange reason the site is being buggy, I wasn't able to work on this anywhere near as much as I would've liked. Still...so many reviews!
I love you guys so much! Thank you! *Cries*
Now, this chapter might be a bit confusing considering how much ground we cover here. Please, bear with it!
This story was birthed from the idea that came from watching Batman: Assault on Arkham. Needless to say, it gave me quite a few idea. Classic movie. Funny, too. Wish we had more like it. Beautiful women, great acting, and did I mention the women? Harley had me in stitches, Killer Frost, and even the glimpse of the lovely Poison Ivy that we were given. And then, then I thought to myself, now what if I did something with this?
So a poll was held, votes were tallied. Three fics were created, and this one of them! I got so many damn votes on the thing that I had to reset the poll and start over! Naturally, being the lord of insipid, happy, silly endings that I am, I decided to do go with this first. Now, after a brutal round of Winter Storm Thor...
...happy belated spring! Sorry if its short, but hey, I'm back, folks! And as to how Naruto got here in the first place? Easy. Reality/The Universe as a whole seems to be broken almost every other day in this show; small wonder he popped up! And yes, a few changes have been made...WARNING! LOOOOOTS of language and crazy in this chapter! And to those who dislike Amanda Waller as much as I did in the flick...rejoice!
...I'm bashing the living hell out of that fat fucking whale! Fair warning tho, if you haven't seen the movie Batman: Assault on Arkham, you're gonna be REALLY confused...also I find Korn's Coming Undone as a very fitting track for this chapter; really helped me get into an insane mood, hehehehe...remember, this Naruto is dark as hell, but he has his good points, and they shine through in this story during his moments with Harley.
He only really cares about HER at this point and his "squad" a little, but beneath that madness, there is still the Naruto we all know and love...somewhere...very, very, very deep...
I also fully credit the AWESOME Captain Space for the "Boot" Line, and remember, I own nothing...
"Life is the flower for which love is the honey. Insanity is but the nectar."
~?
The Webs We Weave
Harley found she learned something new about Naruto nearly every day now.
For instance, pillow talk with him was almost...gentle by comparison to his usual persona. Sweet. Love-dovey. Not what she expected from a man who'd ripped Boomer's bloody head off just for flirting with her. Indeed, by contrasts, her fellow blond didn't kick her out once he'd taken her. Even after he'd had his way with her and she him and him her, over and over and over again...
...right, where was she? Ah, yes. The bed.
Instead they lay there, sprawled out in a ruin that had once been a room, spooned against one another, tangled up in the bed sheets. In, the actual bed! Somehow, someway, they'd made it back to the mattress before passing out; now that the morning was finally here, they were simply too lazy-or exhausted, in someone's case-to rise. Which only made it all the more pleasant for Harley to wake and find that Naruto wasn't the sort to simply love and leave. Quite the opposite, actually.
He was a cuddler.
Tonight, they would be deploying to-and quite possibly destroying-Arkham, but all thoughts of the mission were currently the furthest thing from Harley's mind. Bliss. Yes, that was currently at the forefront of her mind; sweet, happy bliss as she lay in a tangled heap with Uzumaki Naruto. Savoring him as one arm held her tight, purring, as the other lazily traced the curve of her waist in slow, smooth circles, fingers pressing gently like tiny little pistons, kneading...
"Aaaaaaaw there ya go!" she sighed, arching her back to provide better leverage. "That's the spot, loco!" craning her boy backwards in a move that would make a contortionist proud and a gymnast green with envy, she gave her fellow blond a long, sweet kiss that ended with a giggle, and a resounding smack of her lips. "Mwah! Anybody ever tell ya you give one hell of a massage? Pretty hard. Ooh! Veeeeeery...hard." So speaking, she suggestively rubbed her rear against the already throbbing erection she felt building in his lap.
"On occasion, yes." he grunted, taking the hint and sliding into her, mouth dipping down to kiss her neck. "Anybody ever tell you ya look better with your hair down?"
"Hmm? You -whoa, baaaaaaaby!- like it?" Harley felt herself preen at those words even as she continued the up and down motion against him, a hand instinctively flicking back to the curtain of flaxen tresses, freed now from their usual twin-tails to cascade down her back. "Musta lost the -anh! -braids last night. Oh, yes, yes, yes, there we gooooooo! Faster!" All thoughts of her hair dissolved as the orgasm began to build within her, his slow, determined thrusts driving her towards the edge and threatening to cast her over entirely.
"I do like it." Huh. She'd never thought about it until now. Mistah J never said anything about her hair. Naruto was different.
He worshiped her body like it was a temple, and she, a goddess.
There was no rush this time, no agitation. He was studious in his movements, taking his time with her, administering to every inch of her body. In almost no time at all they collapsed and came together; thankfully, this time without destroying the room even further than they already had. Oh god, if he kept this up, she was going to get preggers for sure. Not that she minded kids, she just didn't want to have them anytime soon! There it was now, the thought of crazy little blonde's running by her feet, wreaking all sorts of havoc...
His hand traced her leg as they lay together, lovingly laying kisses there.
She giggled, enjoying the attention. "Never figured you for a leggy guy."
"I'm a man who appreciates many, many things." he hummed into her shoulder. "Ramen, the color orange, extraordinarily outlandish pranks...and You, of course." Harley laughed again at that, her mind still pleasantly numb from their post-coital bliss.
"That does sound like something you'd say."
A blink.
"What?"
"You're just so...you." she sighed, stretching against, him, trying to press as much skin to skin as possible, bask in his warmth for as long as she could. Her bright eyes danced when he finally deigned to look at her. "I'll tell ya, you're scary when you're mad and horny, but in bed...yer just a big pussycat, aint'cha?"
When Naruto finally found his voice, he sounded almost...amused. "That...was a very profound statement, miss Quinn. Not sure if I like it. Similarly, I don't know if I wanna kiss kill your or kiss you."
"Kisses, please?" she cooed, batting her eyelashes.
He laughed.
"Kisses it is, then."
She wasn't expecting to wait a week for their big entrance.
Seven bloody days! Way to leave a girl hanging!
Instead of infiltrating the Asylum that night as had been the plan Naruto decided he had other plans. She'd never forget Waller's face when he told her to "Go beach herself" somewhere in California while she waited for him to to what he'd been paid to do. The sight of those dark jowls purpling in anger had been particularly satisfying, moreso after he mentioned some "Jockstrap incident". Sometimes she had to remind herself that her beau was really a bit of an asshole to those he didn't like.
Apparently, that included trolling the ever-loving hell out of Batman. That also included mocking/tempting him with faux locations about this supposedly dirty bomb. Poor batsy was tearing his cowl apart trying to find it and Naruto knew it. He was also, to Harley's delight, VERY good when it came to leading caped crusaders on a wild goose chase.
Ah, priceless.
Not much else was done during that time beyond those pranks; they simply spent most of those seven days ordering room service at the Penguin's expense and screwing each other silly during their downtime. She was fairly certain Frosty and Shark had something going on too, but eh, who knew? Crazy loved crazy after all. By contrasts Black Spider and Deadshot became increasingly restless as each day dragged itself on, but, seeing as they couldn't disobey Naruto's orders without getting their heads blown off, there was nothing they could do to defy him.
Harley had her own misgivings, but she trusted Naruto enough to follow his lead.
Which, unfortunately, led to her current predicament...
"Oh, take me down to the river, where the lilacs are blue~!"
Naruto whistled a merry tune to himself, waltzing right up to the doors of Arkham Asylum.
He thought he looked quite spiffy in his stolen police uniform, even if the outfit was a bit...constraining. Anyone who knew him would've recognized that tiny half-smile plucking at the corner of his mouth, the maddening glint in his eye that promised pain for anyone who stood in his way. He wasn't quite sure he liked the idea of infiltrating, it really wasn't all that fun.
Oh, take me down to the river...
A sufficiently cowed Harley Quinn stumbled on ahead of him, clad in the orange garb of an inmate. It fit her rather snugly, he thought. He'd enjoy ripping it off her tight little ass later. Right. Later, he reminded himself a bit ruefully, shaking his head to clear it. For now they had a job to do. Focus now, sex later.
...where the lilacs are blue...
His lips brushed her ear as they neared the gate. "You know, I really do have a thing for orange."
...take me down to the river...
"Oh?" she purred, her rear bumping against his groin. "Coulda sworn you said something about that...
...down, down, down to the river...
"I'll hold you to that." His hand gave her an ass a tight squeeze and she had to physically fight the urge to mash her mouth to his. They were well within sight of the guards now, so there was nothing she could do to get him back, much as she might want to. Bugger!
...that's where I'll love you...
The door opened smoothly for them the interlocking segments parting rigidly before them. Naruto kept the tune in his mind, willing himself to focus and not give into aggression as he noticed the leering looks directed at his charge. Those were to expected of course, but was surprised him was the violence of his reaction to the transparency of their thoughts. Honestly, being telepathic sucked sometimes. Such as now. He...was angry. He was really, really, really t like it. He really didn't like it. Harley was his; no one else could have her. No one could look at her, think about her like that except him.
Vainly, he tried to continue the song in his head, focus his mind elsewhere.
...down to the river...
A wolf-whistle from the next guard cut that thought down like a tree. Naruto focused on him, this portly man behind the glass security booth; this fat slob munching on a hot dog. Disgust filled him. In the shinobi era, he would have been dead in an hour. Maybe less. But it was the words, the words that truly roused his anger. Harley's venemous look certainly didn't help matters any-she looked like she wanted to reach through the glass and strangle the bastard.
Hmm. Perhaps that could be arranged.
"Well, if it ain't our favorite buxom blondie...
Silence fell.
Naruto took a deep breath, trying, and failing, to find his focus. Stay calm...calm...calm...
Nope.
"What." Well, so much for the script.
"What 'what'?!" the guard grunted, looking up from his meal.
Naruto leaned forward, his head pressing against the glass. It would be so easy to shatter it...
"What. Did. You. Say. About. Her."
"Oh, is that it?" the portly man laughed nervously. "Eh, it don't matter, most of the boys are looking forward to her coming back, if ya know what I mean...
"Stop talking now." Naruto's fists clenched, aching for violence. "I'm going to have to hurt you if you keep talking...
"Whatever you say, mister. Hardasses like you can go kiss my boot..." Perhaps, if his internal organs hadn't just been ruptured by Naruto's foot, the guard would have found it ironic how a shoe travelling and supersonic speeds had collided with his midsection right as he'd said the word 'boot'. But, of course he didn't, due to aforementioned ruptured internal organs and the now shattered glass piercing his abdomen.
"What...the...fu...
Emitting a faintly pathetic squeak, the poor sod folded up and dropped to the floor. Naruto landed, looking around at the other five, each of whom were looking at him with varying degrees of disbelief. "Eh," he shrugged halfheartedly. "Sorry about that, boys. I don't much like having my girl insulted by trash like ya. So...would you kindly do me a favor an'...die? Shinra Tensei." Before anyone could protest, he made a negligent motion with his hand, rendering them so much paste upon the wall.
Harley balked. Not at the bloody spatter of course, she was used to that. It was the suddenness of the attack that startled.
"Wait, wait wait. We're not sneaking in?" she hissed. "I thought that was the plan, loco!"
Naruto shot her a faintly bemused look.
"Not anymore."
"Eh, but Waller said-
"My mission. Not Waller's." he hummed, shaking himself out of the police uniform. "Ah, much better. I hate uniforms."
Still humming, he strode forward...and the door didn't open. In fact, he walked right into it.
Harley peered at the controls in the booth, flushing.
...um, I think you smashed the controls. I don't think I can open it."
Naruto facepalmed mightily, his head slamming into the wall. "You have failed me, brain! Ah, well. Stand back a little. Up we go!"
"Wha-eep!"
Harley squeaked as he took hold of her hips and maneuvered her out of the way none too gently, stealing a swift kiss as he did so. Her moan set his skin on fire. Hands tangled in his hair, her body welding to his against the wall. The smell of blood and sweat filled his nose, coupled with something else, that scent that was so here...
Ah, well. That made it totally worth it.
"Lo-co-motion." she purred happily, fingertips trailing his chest as he pulled away. "I knew I made the right decision!"
"Of course you did." Naruto preened, dropping to a knee and reaching behind his back. "I'm awesome."
For a second-just a second-Harley's heart hammered...until he'd pulled out a scroll. Oh. For a minute there she'd thought...nah, it was too soon for that sorta thing.
Unsealing his arsenal from the storage scroll he always kept secreted on his person, she watched as Naruto selected his favorite weapon and approached the sealed door once more intently. The head cleaver was all well and good, but at this moment, he needed something with penetrating power. Lets see...aha! Smirking, he continued his swing.
Hard.
Before the deadly edge of the Kusanagi longsword, the sealed grate parted like butter. Grinning, Naruto stepped out into the wide area, grinning.
"GOOD EVENING, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!" His voice boomed out into the holding cells, cracking like the devil's whip. "WE ARE TONIGHT'S ENTERTAINMENT!"
Harley squealed as he tossed her a staff.
...how I love you!
She didn't feel like squealing now.
"Harley? Is it really you?"
She shattered, came together, and shattered all over again, her world falling to a thousand pieces the moment she heard that damn voice. The one that haunted her nightmares, tormented her dreams, plagued almost every waking moment. No. Her body refused to obey, to move another inch. She lost track of the dead guards at their feet, the blood on her hands, the arm on her waist. She wanted to cry, weep, and shout all at once.
"No...
She saw him, standing there behind the glass, utterly unfazed by the four walls of his prison, of his confinement. As if he'd planned the whole thing all along. Perhaps he had. You never knew with Mista J-NO! She wasn't thinking like that! Wasn't thinking of him!
Oh, no no no no...
"Hmm?" Naruto's voice was a low rumble in her ear as he led her away. "Friend of yours?"
"..."
"Aren't you even going to say hello?" Mista J chuckled. "Introduce me to your new friends?" A whistle followed. "Hello? Harl? Harleeey? Are you just going to stand there all day, or are you going to come over here?" Her stomach did an angry flip, blood rushing to her face as she marched away. She had to leave. NEEDED to leave before...before...
"What's your hurry, Harl?"
That.
"Kill him...I...am going to...
"Wah-wah." Killer Frost sighed, stepping out of the way. "Shoulda known this would happen...
"Aw, I can tell you're still sore." Joker crooned, having finally gotten her attention. "At least the bruises cleared up nicely-
In a flash she'd snatched a gun off the floor, pulling it from a guard's corpse.
"I'LL KILL YOU!"
Almost before she knew it the gun was in her hands, pressed up against the glass. She WOULD kill him! Here and now!
"Tsk, tsk, tsk. Sorry hun. Bulletproof." Joker called as she raised the handgun.
"Even better...puddin!"
She never had a chance to fire.
THUNK!
In an impossible movement Naruto twisted around, shoved her aside, ripped the Head Cleaver from his back, and THREW that son of a bitch. The massive weapon arced forward, tumbling end over end for what felt like a small eternity. It sank into the glass as though it t'were made of butter, slicing through and glass, then flesh, then bone-
Joker screamed. Then he laughed. Then he screamed again.
Naruto's smile was positively beatific as he swooped in behind her. "Ah...much better."
"I...you...oh. That's...that's a lot of blood." The difference? It was Mistah J's blood. She'd never seen him bleeding like this before...
Numbed, Quinn found herself following him as he strode into the cell, stepping over the what had once been impenetrable glass. Kubikirihoucho lay firmly wedged into the wall. Joker's right arm...not so much. The blade had severed it just above the elbow, leaving the normally comical clown writhing in agony on the ground in a pool of his own viscera.
"Oh, I'm sorry." Naruto cooed, wrenching his blade free from the wall. "Did that hurt?"
Blood-bleached teeth clenched at him in an angry smile, his remaining limb desperately trying to staunch the ever-large puddle of blood flowing beneath him, soaking into
"Why, Harley," he ground out through those gritted teeth, "If I didn't know better, I'd say your friends are trying to kill me. That was a perfectly good arm!"
She snarled.
"We're finished, you and me!" And they were! She'd gotten a taste of what it was like to experience real love with Naruto; real, genuine emotions from someone just as crazy as her, not the abusive shadow of pain that she'd known for so long with him. "I got someone new now. Someone BETTER!" Was that jealousy she saw in those eyes? Anger? Good!
"New guy?" his voice was deadly soft.
"That's right!" she sneered down at her former beau. "You're not jealous, are ya?"
Her finger jerked over a shoulder, her painted face preening with pride as she indicated Naruto. "That's him."
Naruto growled.
"She's mine."
"Bah! I bet you buy your shirts secondhand too!"
Naruto, who had been in the process of turning away, suddenly went very still.
...what? What did you say?"
The Joker laughed wetly. "I said she's used goods! You can have her! Never could handle a little blood in the bedroom."
Harley felt her heart wrench. Somewhere inside her, that last, little shred of loyalty shriveled and died.
"Oh, there will be blood alright...
Honestly, Harley half-expected Naruto to simply finish off Mistah J right then and there for those words, but no; the blond wasn't a fan of mercy. His expression inscrutable he reached down with one hand, grabbing the still chuckling clown prince by the hem of his collar. The other snatched a handful of glass shards from the floor. Then, and only then, did she realize what he intended to do. Once, she might have tried to stop him. Now, she stood by and watched, a grim look set on her face.
"And these are yours."
"Ohhhh, I see what you did there-AHAHAHAHAHAHA!" A warbling laugh/scream tore from the Joker's throat as Naruto slammed the first shard of hardened glass into his hand, slamming it into the metal wall. Two more followed, skewering the pale man's feet in a grisly crucifixion, ignoring the pained cry that followed each. With his remaining arm left to rot on the ground, the clown had no way of escaping. Then, perhaps almost as an afterthought, Naruto impaled the man's severed arm there as well, scowling.
"Have fun, hanging around."
Joke deadpanned.
"Well, that wasn't funny at all."
"Oh, fuck you. I thought it was.
Chuckling he waltzed away, pulling her with him by the hip. She didn't resist, sparing only a passing glance for the writhing form of her former flame. Lips brushed her ear.
"Love you."
Harley chirruped happily, preening and nestling loser to him, the Joker all but forgotten. Yes. This was what she wanted. Where she belonged. After all...
"Love you too, puddin'."
...Crazy Loves Crazy.
A/N: There we go! Naruto and Harley! I left the ending deliberately ambiguous, considering that these two can raise all sorts of hell together. You think this is crazy? Are you a fan of the delightful insanity? Then, check out my Naruto x Killer Frost fic!, Cold! Then there's the Poison Ivy one, Toxic! Not to mention Royal Flush and Anthem of the Dead! Be sure to read them all!
So...in the immortal words of Atlas...
...Review...Would You Kindly?
.And here it is! The preview of the scene you've all been waiting for! Story takes a hard right here! Expect Naruto and Joker to go at it real soon! And also...HERE BE A SURPRISE!
(Preview)
"Oh, I'll take one of these, a couple of those, and DEFINITELY that!"
Naruto bounced on the balls of his feet, looking to Harley's eyes, very much like a kid at Christmas. She supposed she couldn't blame him; some of the things here in the property room were downright...criminal. What? She could make jokes too! It wasn't as though she'd had anything better to do, seeing as they'd already killed most of the guards. She watched with some bemusement as he laid claim to all manner of gadgets. Her? A mallet was all she needed-unknowing that it contained a very nasty surprise-and after all, it wasn't like she wasn't used to surprises...
Something kicked.
'Mama.'
Everything stopped.
Her eyes instinctively sought her flat stomach, her mind trying, and failing to rationalize what had just happened. Sure enough, her bare mid-riff greeted her, toned and flat as always. But what she felt just now? Gas? I don't think so, she thought, trying to still her hammering heart. Gas doesn't kick! And it sure as hell didn't say 'Mama' in a little girl's voice! What the bloody hell?! This wasn't possible! It had only been a week! A week, of senseless, mind blowing sex...
Her eyes bulged.
Somewhere in her head, wires crossed.
...ah, crapbaskets."
Before she could say anything however, Naruto's cheery voice rang through the property room, followed by an explosion.
"Heya, batsy! Didya like the orange costume?!" A loud clang followed. "Oops, maybe not...
Then things went pear-shaped.
...Is Harley Preggers?! And an ORANGE batman...Oh, that'd be so funny...! When I say pear-shaped, again, its another way for saying all bloody hell broke loose. Please review! Yer reviews be the fuel for me imagination and without them I be nothing! Crazy loves crazy, after all!
R&R! =D