A/N: MISS ME GUYS?! HAPPY SUMMER! THIS IS MY GIFT TO YOU ALL! I AM NOW LIBERATED FROM MY OLD JOB AND ONTO ONE THAT PAYS A LOOOOOOOOOOOOOT MORE! AWAY WITH YE MCDONALD's AND WALMART! BAHAHAHAHAHAH!
The only downside to this, is that I'm going to be working me ASS off now, so updates might be a little slower. Hey, that just gives me a chance to make the chapter's that much longer, neh?
Still...so many reviews!
I love you guys oh so much! Thank you! *Cries*
Now, this chapter might be a bit confusing considering we switch between different viewpoints here. Please, bear with it!
This story was birthed from the idea that came from watching Batman: Assault on Arkham. Needless to say, it gave me quite a few idea. Classic movie. Funny, too. Wish we had more like it. Beautiful women, great acting, and did I mention the women? Harley had me in stitches, Killer Frost, and even the glimpse of the lovely Poison Ivy that we were given. And then, then I thought to myself, now what if I did something with this?
So a poll was held, votes were tallied. Three fics were created, and this one of them! I got so many damn votes on the thing that I had to reset the poll and start over! Naturally, being the lord of insipid, happy, silly endings that I am, I decided to do go with this first. Now, after a brutal round of Winter Storm Thor...
...happy belated spring! Sorry if its short, but hey, I'm back, folks! And as to how Naruto got here in the first place? Easy. Reality/The Universe as a whole seems to be broken almost every other day in this show; small wonder he popped up! And yes, a few changes have been made...WARNING! LOOOOOTS of language and crazy in this chapter! And to those who dislike Amanda Waller as much as I did in the flick...rejoice!
...I'm bashing the living hell out of that fat fucking whale! Fair warning tho, if you haven't seen the movie Batman: Assault on Arkham, you're gonna be REALLY confused...also I find Korn's Coming Undone as a very fitting track for this chapter; really helped me get into an insane mood, hehehehe...remember, this Naruto is dark as hell, but he has his good points, and they shine through in this story during his moments with Harley.
He only really cares about HER at this point and his "squad" a little, but beneath that madness, there is still the Naruto we all know and love...somewhere...very, very, very deep...
I also fully credit the AWESOME Captain Space for the "Boot" Line, and remember, I own nothing...and yes...
...I have plans, sweet, delicious plans for the Arkham series as a whole...AND I AM STEAMED TO ALL HELL ABOUT THAT ENDING!
"You've got to enjoy life. The downsides, the upsides, the downsides TO the upsides, no wait...maybe it was the other way around?"
~?
Live the Moment
Crazy really did love crazy.
Naruto took a moment to contemplate this-and the buxom blond on his arm-as he strode through the corridors of Arkham like a king, a small army at his back. He didn't need a crown to feel like one; if he wanted, he could've claimed this entire asylum and no one short of Superman would be able to dislodge him. Part of him almost wished he'd try. There was just something so incredibly thrilling about marching into another man's house and laying waste to it; all the while knowing there wasn't jack-shit they could do to stop you.
Really, in his mind the only thing better than this feeling was the sweet taste of Harley and ramen. Or was it ramen and Harely? Oh, oh! Or...maybe Harley with ramen?! Hmm. Last one sounded good; his mind conjured up an image of licking broth off her stomach. He'd have to ask her about that, sometime.
'Gah, drifting off again. Questions for later.'
After all, when you freed most of Gotham's rogues gallery from the slammer and single handedly crucified the Joker, you gained yourself a bit of extra notoriety. All they had to do now was find that nasty little bomb-an' payday was a comin' baby! Assuming the damn whale didn't try and blow up his team. Hmm. That might actually be a little problematic...
"Somethin' wrong, puddin'?" Harley asked, seeing his frown.
"Not at all." the blond laughed as he walked through the burning asylum, wisps of smoke curling lazily at his feet. "I think everything's right."
"So...you're okay?"
"Okay?" his head tilted in mid stride, glancing down at her painted face, turning a cheerful grin on her. "Of course I am. I'm better than okay. You couldn't hear how okay I was when nailed your ex to the wall? I thought you were supposed to know these things, being a psychiatrist and all."
"Hey!"
Kidding, just kidding. C'mere," chuffing softly, he pulled her close for a long, lingering, soul-scorching kiss. Harley's knees turned to jelly.
"Hmmmm, that's the stuff..."
"Will you two get a room or something?" Frost groaned, palming her face. "Getting kinda tired of seeing ya rut like two animals in heat."
Naruto's head popped up.
"Funny, coulda sworn you and sharkie over there were the other night...?"
"SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!"
Cackling the blond twirled away from the blushing bluenette.
"See!? This is why I love Arkham." his hand rose to the vaunted ceiling, forming a fist. "It brings out the best in people!"
"Whatcha mean?"
"Oh, just think about it, Harley." Naruto spun away yet again, indicating the manged bodies of the guards. "These people for instance, they all answer to some sort of authority. They only want me dead because I'm an embarrassment to them, to their neat and tidy little world. It doesn't matter whether I flood the streets with ramen, rob a bank, or even hold the damn president himself hostage. They just don't understand. I'm not in it for the money, the guts, or even the glory! I don't even want put a smile on their faces. I just want to enjoy life to the fullest."
"And burning this place to the ground helps how?" Deadshot muttered.
"Theatrics my boy, theatrics! With all this ruckus raging about, we're bound to attract a bat before and-or-after get what we came for." His blond brow wiggled suggestively. "He'll come right to us-oh, I can't wait to see the look on his face!"
"Again, that helps us how?!"
"You, not at all. Me? I get to see his reaction to my prank! What more could a man want?"
Harley's shoulders physically shook, her entire body convulsing as she fought not to laugh.
Naruto only grinned all the wider.
Certainly he wouldn't deny that he'd developed a flair for dramatics over the years, if anything, he felt that his victims deserved a good show. You had to be a little loose in the caboose, missing a few screws, to truly understand what went on in his head these days. In that way, at least, he felt he could empathize with the Joker. They were cut from that same jagged, ragged cloth-men made man by circumstance, not choice, nor any fictitious act of violence and vehemence.
The difference?
He had the girl.
Honestly, it was enough to make him want to sing!
"London bridge is falling down, falling down...
"My fair lady!" Harley chorused, cackling.
"Youdo realize you sound like a madman, right?"
"Some people call me a madman, dickshot. I prefer to think of myself as...a teacher."
Black Spider scoffed.
"A teacher of what, pray tell?"
Naruto looked at him as though he'd grown a second head. He glared for several seconds without letting up, veins throbbing visibly in his forehead. Those sky blue eyes were cast in shadow, and gleaming with baleful blue light. His lips were curled back almost of their own accord, barring the blond's teeth in a decidedly sinister smile.
"Why, living in the moment, of course!"
Silence hung over the asylum like a wet blanket, thick and cloying.
Silence, broken only by the sound of dripping blood.
Joker's blood.
He didn't know how long he'd been hanging here now, his arm laying at his feet as he slowly bled out.
"Well, now that was just rude." looking left, then right.
"Ahahahahahawowowowowow!" laughing softly the clown prince ripped his good hand free with a supreme effort. It was like pulling teeth, slow, agonizing and crippling. New guy did good work. He'd have to carve out a piece of him and keep it as a trophy once he was done.
As a reminder.
Of that Harley-stealing oaf!
"Now...that's not funny. Not funny at all."
Next came his right leg. Followed by the left. There was more pain of course but he knew pain. They were old friends, it and him. Nothing a few bandages and a lot of painkillers couldn't fix! Of course, walking was going to be a bitch and a half now...again, nothing a bit of gauze and his trusty shoes couldn't solve. Hmm. He'd have to wrap up his bad arm though. Maybe he could get it reattached...?
"Perfectly good arm." he muttered crossly, glaring maliciously at the ruined limb. "Ah, well! More where that one came from!"
Cackling madly, he walked into the ruins.
"I'm back, bitches!"
"Oh, I'll take one of these, a couple of those, and DEFINITELY that!"
Naruto bounced on the balls of his feet, looking to Harley's eyes, very much like a kid at Christmas. She supposed she couldn't blame him; some of the things here in the property room were downright...criminal. What? She could make jokes too! It wasn't as though she'd had anything better to do, seeing as they'd already killed most of the guards. She watched with some bemusement as he laid claim to all manner of gadgets. Her? A mallet was all she needed-unknowing that it contained a very nasty surprise-and after all, it wasn't like she wasn't used to surprises...
Something kicked.
'Mama.'
Everything stopped.
Her eyes instinctively sought her flat stomach, her mind trying, and failing to rationalize what had just happened. Sure enough, her bare mid-riff greeted her, toned and flat as always. But what she felt just now? Gas? I don't think so, she thought, trying to still her hammering heart. Gas doesn't kick! And it sure as hell didn't say 'Mama' in a little girl's voice! What the bloody hell?! This wasn't possible! It had only been a week! A week, of senseless, mind blowing sex, so unless she'd suddenly gotten psychic or some other mystical mumbo jumbo that meant she was...
Her eyes bulged.
Somewhere in her head, wires crossed.
...ah, crapbaskets."
Before she could say anything however, Naruto's cheery voice rang through the property room, followed by an explosion.
A hideously shape descended in a hail of broken glass and smoke, swinging.
"Heya, batsy! Didya like the orange costume?!" A loud clang followed, punctuated by the sounds of a scuffle. "Oops, maybe not...
There was a moment of pained silence as all eyes in the warehouse turned toward the terrifying dark knight.
...what?" was all Deadshot could manage, gawping at the bright, neon colors.
Killer Frost snickered. "Okay...I give. That's pretty funny."
Then things went pear-shaped.
"YOU!"
"Me!"
Snarling, the bright bat lunged!
"Oooh, you're angry!" Naruto laughed as they grappled. "What's wrong?! I thought you'd like the new paint job!" His last word punctuated itself with a harsh crack of noise as he slammed his head into the dark knight's armored cowl. Grunting, Batman staggered backwards, scrubbing at his eyes with the back of a hand. Naruto's hand rose and fell like an axe, smashing the caped crusader in the chest and staggering him back. Naruto weaved in after him, looking as though he'd just gotten an N-64 for christmas.
What? Even she used the internet sometimes!
"What's wrong?!" the blond called! "GOT A FEW EXTRA BATS IN YOUR BELFRY?!"
"Will you stop that?!"
"Ohhhh no no no can do, bats!" the whiskered warrior flowed around an elbow like water, cackling as he slammed home a boot into the back of the bat's knee, stumbling him. "I'm! Having! Too! Much! Fun!" Every word accompanied a blow; a vicious hail of strikes and counter-strikes that Harley could barely read let alone follow. A heel palm met a shin, a booted foot snapped into an unprepared chest, black cape shooting out blindingly to disorient a foe, blue eyes dancing as hands closed around the cloak and slammed Batsy into the wall.
This deadly dance seemed to continue indefinitely, the two men raging back and forth until...until...UNTIL...
"Rasengan."
It was just one word, a simple whisper as Naruto zoned in a lucky hit to Bat's stomach. And yet that lone strike warped into a spiraling sphere, catapulting her nightmare through a wall as though it were made of mere cardboard and bringing the ceiling down around them. She didn't see the rubble that buried Gotham's knight until it was too late, the falling stones crashing down around him and burying him alive. Just like that, their battle had begun and ended, all in a matter of moments.
"...I think you just broke the bat." she whistled in disbelief.
Naruto laughed and spun on his heel, marching back into the warehouse without a care.
"Let's go see what else we can break, eh?"
Harley couldn't help herself; in that instant, she swooned.
"Whatever you say, pudding!"
A/N: There we go! Naruto and Harley! I left the ending deliberately ambiguous, considering that these two can raise all sorts of hell together. You think this is crazy? Are you a fan of the delightful insanity? Then, check out my Naruto x Killer Frost fic!, Cold! Then there's the Poison Ivy one, Toxic! Not to mention Royal Flush and Anthem of the Dead! Be sure to read them all!
So...in the immortal words of Atlas...
...Review...Would You Kindly?
And here it is! The preview of the scene you've all been waiting for! Story takes a hard right here! Expect Naruto and Joker to go at it real soon! And also...HERE BE A SURPRISE!
(Preview)
Naruto whistled softly, playing with the detonator.
"Ah, ah, ah, batsy, my boy! One wrong move and Gotham gets a nasty case of indigestion." A gloved finger hovered menacingly over the scarlet button, a single press of which would detonate the very bomb he'd been working so hard to find. How he'd gotten ahold of it, much less smuggled it into Gotham, was beyond him. He wasn't even sure if it was an actual bomb-for all he knew it could be a harmless prank-but with Naruto, one could never be sure and somehow that bothered him more than the idea of the Joker and any havoc he could bring.
Batman glowered as they circled one another on the catwalk. He was blind. He could see it in those dazed eyes, still reeling from the flashbang. So how in the hell was this buffoon evading him so?!
"You wouldn't."
"Ah, but I would," the blond crowed, dancing away! "You see, I have what I came here for; I've finally found someone just as crazy as me. Someone who understands me. You don't know what its like, hiding behind a mask-oh, wait. You do!" cackling, he moved out of reach once more. "Think about, bats! You've spent all these years behind that infernal cowl and what do you have to show for it? A non-existent love life, lonely nights spent brooding by the fire place, its boring, boring, BORING! No wonder Joker's tried to get a laugh out of you all these years!
"This isn't about the Joker," Bruce glowered behind the cowl, resisting the urge to simply lunge headlong at his adversary. "This is about you and me."
"Right you are." Naruto nodded slowly, bobbing his head sagely, wiggling the fingers of his free hand. "That's what I like about you. No powers, nothing but your own wits and skills, and yet you've come back from just about everything the world's thrown at you. Sadly, I'll be concluding my business with you shortly. After aaaaaall, there are so many other places for me and Harley to play. Metropolis, Central City, Themyscira...which leaves me with one last question for you."
"And that is?"
"Why? So? Serious?"
"Listen-
"BATMAN~!"
That was all he had time to say before Bane cannoned into him with all the force of a meteor.
"Hello?" Naruto's vacant at the empty air the vigilante had occupied not a moment before, frowning. "Bats? I'm listening! Ah, well, musta not been that important. LETS GET THIS PARTY STARTED!"
Then he pressed the button...!
...IS THE BOMB REAL?! OOOOOOOR is Naruto simply screwing with the bat...! When I say pear-shaped, again, its another way for saying all bloody hell broke loose. Please review! Yer reviews be the fuel for me imagination and without them I be nothing! Crazy loves crazy, after all!
R&R! =D