A/N: THOUGHT I WAS GONE, DID YOU?! THOUGHT I WAS LOST, HMM?! Nope! I MAY have sustained a serious injury however, which may or may not have involved an accidental gas explosion. Still, I survived, and as I'm sure you've noticed, I've been busy updating quite a bit! But what kind of accident was it, you ask?

To that, I say thus:

FIRE! BAD!

FIRE VEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERY BAD!

And a WARNING! LOOOOOTS of language and crazy in this chapter! Things escalate VEEEEEEEEEEEEERY quickly! Major silliness and fourth wall breaking as well?"

"Memories are vile, nasty little things. Give me insanity any day!"

~?

Life is an Explosion

"Ahhhhhh, I missed this story!"

"Huh?"

Harely turned her head just in time to catch the ghost of a smile flitting across her lover's lips. He'd been grinning every since he'd bonked the Bat, but this sudden remark caught her flatfooted. Either he was making an obscure reference again, or the remark simply sailed over her head. Most likely the former. Naruto loved his inane references, even if she didn't understand them half the time. You done goofed, for example. Where had he gotten that one? And why did it sound so familiar? Perhaps it had something to with those Team Four Star chaps he liked so much...

"You say something, Puddin'?"

A milky-blue eye swung back to her, dancing with maddened mirth. Harley wasn't quite sure what to make of the warm rush that followed.

"I'm just so excited!" Naruto cackled, twirling a knife in his hand. "Do you have any idea how long this fic's been on hiatus?" At her baffled expression he continued, beaming, "We've all been trapped in fiction-limbo for so long! But now we get to continue! What could possibly be better than that, eh? Oi!"

"Uh...what?"

"In other words, I'm fine." he soothed, tickling her chin. "Just enjoying a bit of fourth-wall-breaking...

"You, ah, sure?" she ventured warily. Unbidden, her eyes drifted back to the crumbling building they'd left Batman in. She could still see the smoke, even from here. "No more bats in your belfry?"

"No more than usual...

Mistah J would've struck her for such impish impudence. Naruto simply smiled and grabbed her by the waist-welding his hips to hers with the heat and intensity of a thousand suns. "Hey, whaddya-mmph!" Lips captured hers before she could finish, trapping the clown in a fierce kiss that made her core burn and her toes curl wickedly, a dark promise of something more. Hands wrapped around her, lifting her into the impromptu embrace until her feet dangled over the floor, holding her there until he'd had his fill, yet ready to release her at a moment's protest.

Harley liked that.

Her fellow blond might be wild in every other aspect of life, but when it came to this, he was easy to understand.

Simple.

Clean.

Uncomplicated.

For the briefest instant, she experienced a sharp tingle in the back of her neck.

(Meanwhile...)

Amanda Waller frowned.

For a moment there, just a moment, Harley's tracker had seemed to flicker onscreen. Hadn't it? Deadshot and the others remained perfectly in line, which only baffled her. Had she been staring at this damn screen too long, again? Her hand twitched, but an overpowering thought overrode the compulsion and bade her be silent. Yes, she had to be seeing things. It couldn't have been Naruto, meddling in her affairs again. After all what possible reason would he have for betraying her? He promised not to kill her, and it return, she supplied him with death-defying missions-as well as the funds-to feed his adrenaline fix.

Yes, it must've been her imagination...

Poor thing.

She didn't even realize how subtle the blond's genjutsu, and his hold on her, was.

(...)

'Wow. That was...definitely something!'

By the time Harley finally came down from her rousing emotional high, she realized she was still being held. Perhaps cradled was a better word; Naruto held her as though she were a piece of fine china and he feared to break her. As if the slightest movement on his part would shatter her so utterly that she'd never recover. What he said next nearly did just that.

"We're going to make beautiful babies together." he beamed up at her, still holding her aloft.

Harley colored to the very depths of her being.

"Eh?!"

"Exactly what I said."

And with that, that bastard-that sweet, sick, lovable, insufferable bastard-lowered her to the ground, tipped his cap, and went right back to walking. Much to her consternation! Ah, crap, the others had seen that, hadn't they the little buggers! A few muffled groans and gags told her all that she needed to know on that front. Face burning, she hurried after the affable blond and tugged at his armored arm.

"Aw, why'd ya stop?!"

"Gotta leave something for the finale." he patted her cheek in a motion so swift she nearly missed it. ""The journey is the destination, as they say. And breaking the fourth wall only goes so far...

Still the open affection had her purring happily, until another question surfaced. What was that he'd said about breaking walls?

The former psychologist offered a slow blink, her bright blue eyes gliding back to the relatively undamaged expanse of asylum they'd just left behind. Walls included. Thus perplexed, she turned her attention back to he "pudding" only to find he was still wearing that strange, foxy smile.

"But you didn't break a wall back there, did ya?" she asked.

Naruto laughed sharply, not the wild shrill cackle of a certain deranged clown, but one of genuine amusement. "Its not about about breaking the wall, its about doing the unexpected-that's it!" He stopped with such force that Harley slammed into his back. Before she even had time to apologize he was spinning, shaking her fiercely.

"Harley, Harley, HARLEY!" Naruto cried, delighted! "You've given me the most wonderful idea! The perfect prank!"

"What-idea-is-that?!" she squeaked out between each shake.

"Well, first I'll have to take that bomb the Joker hid in your hammer...

Harley absolutely hissed, her skin going chalk-white beneath her makeup.

"Wait, whaddya mean BOMB?!"

"Ha!"

Her lover didn't give her an answer; instead he snatched her hammer-HEY!-kissed her fiercely, and darted away, arrowing out the door with agility that would've put a certain scarlet speedster to shame.

(...)

He was going to kill them slowly.

Yes, the Joker decided, he was going to kill them with great care.

Naruto.

Harely.

Or perhaps Naruto then Harley?

He was going to take his time, peel the flesh from their bodies, bit by bit. Gently, carefully, so as not to put them out of their misery. That wouldn't do. It needed to be savored. On second thought, he decided he'd start with that new boy she seemed so keen on after all, make her watch as he took him apart piece by painful piece. Once she'd seen him go, once she'd cried and begged for mercy, then, then he'd start in on her.

It was all Harley's fault, after all.

She said she was done with him-finished!-gone cold turkey! She'd gone and left him, gotten new friends, and new man, the little minx! She'd said such cruel, cruel things to him and then that insipid little boy toy of hers had the nerve, the gall to skewer him to the wall! He'd crucified him, left him for dead! And the little bitch'd laughed at him! How dare-how dare she! The very thought of her betrayal-and what a betrayal it was!-was so stinging that it nearly made him stop smiling

But he had plans, oh yes! Beautiful, wonderful, nasty plans and those plans weren't the kind to be stopped by something as minor as a missing arm or a few holes in his body. He'd suffered through far worse-though he supposed losing an arm WAS rather new-

After all, the best plans are always the insane ones!

"Oh, I'll have to remember that one...

Giggling softly to himself, he determinedly limped back along the corridor to the infirmary, quick as you please. At least, as quickly as his injuries would allow. Those wounds hadn't bandaged themselves, and in the end it required taken quite a bit of time-and painkillers-merely to make certain he wouldn't drop dead! Now as he limped ever forward he found he actually had a chance to think. Ha! It gave him time to plot and plan not to mention plunder his old gadgets back from the guards! Ha! Who said you couldn't teach an old clown new tricks, eh?! By the time he was finished with them-

He never knew heard his doom until it was too late.

One moment he was upright, smugly plotting his revenge. The next-

"Surprise, mothafucka!"

The next, something smashed him flat on his face. Whatever it was kept right on going, ripping through a rather substantial portion of his torso. A wet and muffled wheeze pushed itself out of the ground just before the Joker passed out from subsequent blood loss:

"What...

"...was that?"

Harley offered a mute shrug to squad's confusion, struggling to understand what'd happened herself. She was still trying to get over the fact that there had been a bomb hidden in the base of her hammer. Granted a bomb that Naruto had swiftly taken possession of but still! A! Bomb! Who the hell did that these days?! Only a madman would even consider...ah, crap. She could think of just the man mad enough to attempt such a feat an' the thought gave her chills, nasty, vile chills.

Mistah J-no, her mind clamped down like a pit bull, refusing to relinquish the word. She wouldn't call him that any more. That lunatic had tried to blow her up! And he would've gotten away with it, too! With that nasty realization, she felt the last of ember of loyalty gutter out in her heart.

'I swear to God, if I EVA see him again...!'

"Hello?! Clown!" Deadshot growled, irritated. "Are you listening?! I'm asking why he ran off!"

Harley spun and stuck out her tongue, scoffing. "Would ya rather he killed ya like Boomerang?"

The assassin paled but before he could answer a streak of black and orange smashed through the wall, causing all present to jump. A loud, triumphant shout seemed to shake the room.

"Honey, I'm home~!"

Harley suppressed a giggle in spite of herself.

Within moments Naruto returned, arms laden with what looked like...a body? Harley blinked, struggling to recognize the black, dust-clad form draped over lover's shoulders, as well as the thick ring of keys wrapped on and into his belt. Harley stared at them, puzzled, perhaps equally so by the absence of the hammer he'd swiped and the purported bomb within. What possible purpose would he have for taking that, unless...unless...

"Ah, hell, is that...

Killer Frost went white as her hair as the dust cleared, revealing the identity of the blond's captive. For indeed, the corpse that Naruto carried was no corpse at all, but a body. One they knew rather well at that. If the cape didn't give him away, the cowl and bloodied bat symbol on his chest certainly did. Naruto threw him down on the ground, and the caped crusader didn't make so much as a sound.

Batman was out cold.

"Why'd you bring him?!" Black Spider snarled.

"Why so concerned?" Naruto blinked beguilingly, and for a fleeting moment, Harley thought she saw something in that gaze. "I have my reasons."

"Reasons." the killer deadpanned.

"Aye, reasons."

"And you have all those keys because?" Deadshot frowned.

"Also reasons." their host declared happily. "Couldn't unlock doors without 'em."

"But the bomb-

"Is somewhere far, far away from here." came the ready reply. "Its all part of the plan, folks! When will you see that? Our new friends understood that right away!"

"Friends?" Killer Shark croaked.

A distant clamor was all the answer they needed.

"Great." Deadshot groused. "More crazies."

"You say something, Dickshot?" Naruto hummed dangerously.

"Listen you, once this is over-

"Yeah, yeah, bullet in my eye, blah, blah, blah."

Harley barely heard their argument, her attention still fixed firmly on the broken body of the bat. Something was wrong. Off. She couldn't quite put her finger on it, but whatever it was this strange sense of doubt all but nagged at her. Hesitantly, she nudged Batman's body with a boot, half-expecting him to lunge up and grab her by the throat any minute, now. Here was her boogeyman. Her nightmare, her terror one of the few people beyond those in the immediate vicinity that genuinely frightened her.

"Are ya sure he's out cold?"

Frost scoffed.

"Your boyrfriend dropped a dam roof on his head, he'd better be."

"Maybe we should check, just to make sure. You know, under the mask?"

Naruto turned away from Deadshot, considering.

"Nah."

"Whaddya mean, nah?!"

"I already know whose under that cowl."

In the corner of his eye, Black Spider stiffened.

"Of course I-

Clink.

They didn't see the flashbangs until they clattered to the floor at their boots.

It hadn't come from the prone body at their feet.

Harley swore at the impostor.

Black Spider, indeed!

"Well, fuck me in the-

The sound that followed wasn't quite an explosion, but neither was it an implosion. All the light and sounded seemed to vanish from the hall as though it had been sucked from the room. In that brief instant of confusion the Bat ceased the charade and lunged, sweeping his captors legs then barreling into Naruto.

"Aargh!"

The blond wheeled away and clutched at his face, hissing like a cornered snake. Batman bristled and leaped after him, fist swing. Now was his chance! He had him off guard; he had to press the advantage-

A hand snapped up into his face, clawed fingers raking across his armored cowl and into his right eye.

For a single, blinding instant all he knew was pain.

The deadly digits had spared the orb but only just. Blood stained his vision like a dark red curtain, nearly forcing him to a knee.

"Clever bastard." a voice drifted through the crimson haze. "When the hell did you have time to switch with Spider? No, wait. Don't tell me. It was during our fight, wasn't it? Had to be."

Bruce started forward-

That was when he saw it.

Naruto whistled softly, playing with the detonator.

"Ah, ah, ah, batsy, my boy! One wrong move and Gotham gets a nasty case of indigestion." A gloved finger hovered menacingly over the scarlet button, a single press of which would detonate the very bomb he'd been working so hard to find. How he'd gotten ahold of it, much less smuggled it into Gotham, was beyond him. He wasn't even sure if it was an actual bomb-for all he knew it could be a harmless prank-but with Naruto, one could never be sure and somehow that bothered him more than the idea of the Joker and any havoc he could bring.

Batman glowered as they circled one another on the catwalk. He was blind. He could see it in those dazed eyes, still reeling from the flashbang. So how in the hell was this buffoon evading him so?!

"You wouldn't."

"Ah, but I would," the blond crowed, dancing away! "You see, I have what I came here for; I've finally found someone just as crazy as me. Someone who understands me. You don't know what its like, hiding behind a mask-oh, wait. You do!" cackling, he moved out of reach once more. "Think about, bats! You've spent all these years behind that infernal cowl and what do you have to show for it? A non-existent love life, lonely nights spent brooding by the fire place, its boring, boring, BORING! No wonder Joker's tried to get a laugh out of you all these years!

"This isn't about the Joker," Bruce glowered behind the cowl, resisting the urge to simply lunge headlong at his adversary. "This is about you and me."

"Right you are." Naruto nodded slowly, bobbing his head sagely, wiggling the fingers of his free hand. "That's what I like about you. No powers, nothing but your own wits and skills, and yet you've come back from just about everything the world's thrown at you. Sadly, I'll be concluding my business with you shortly. After aaaaaall, there are so many other places for me and Harley to play. Metropolis, Central City, Themyscira...which leaves me with one last question for you."

"And that is?"

"Why? So? Serious?"

"Listen-

"BATMAN~!"

That was all he had time to say before Bane cannoned into him with all the force of a meteor.

"Hello?" Naruto's vacant stare at the empty air the vigilante had occupied not a moment before, frowning. "Bats? I'm listening! Ah, well, musta not been that important. Lets get this party started!"

"Don't!"

"Too late!" came the merry grin. "As an old friend once said...

Then he pressed the button...!

...LIFE IS AN EXPLOSION!"

Bang.

A/N: WHAT HAPPENED?! There we go! Naruto and Harley! I left the ending deliberately ambiguous, considering that these two can raise all sorts of hell together. You think this is crazy? Are you a fan of the delightful insanity? Then, check out my Naruto x Killer Frost fic!, Cold! Then there's the Poison Ivy one, Toxic! Not to mention Royal Flush and Anthem of the Dead! Be sure to read them all!

So...in the immortal words of Atlas...

...Review...Would You Kindly?

And here it is! The preview of the scene you've all been waiting for! Story takes a hard right here! And also...HERE BE A LAUGH!

(Preview)

Harley eyed the noodles before her thinly-veiled suspicion.

"Super Ramen?"

"Super Ramen." the ninja's face was entirely serious. "C'mon, try it! I made it myself! Its delicious!"

"That's what worries me, pudding...

The jester once more turned her eyes to the steaming bowl of broth before her. Purple. It was purple. RAMEN SHOULDN'T BE PURPLE! A noxious aroma seemed to visbly rise from the bowl in a thick cloud, pervading the small kitchen like a fog. She daren't inhale directly, for fear of fainting dead away. Naruto possessed many talents when it came to his given profession but cooking didn't seem to be one of them. Still, the pleasant smile dogged her like a vicious hyena, worrying at her guiltily until her resolve crumbled.

Surely it couldn't taste that bad...

And it didn't.

It was WORSE.

Is Naruto simply screwing with the bat...! When I say pear-shaped, again, its another way for saying all bloody hell broke loose. Please review! Yer reviews be the fuel for me imagination and without them I be nothing! Crazy loves crazy, after all!

R&R! =D