Chapter 5

Jim's alarm startled him out of a terrible dream, in which he'd found himself married to a woman he didn't love with a child that looked oddly like Andy Bernard, big white teeth and all. Heart pounding and sweaty, he got out of bed and trudged blindly to the shower.

What am I going to say to Pam? he thought, as the hot water sluiced over him. How could he possibly expect her to accept him when he had another woman's baby on the way? He leaned his head against the shower tile and tried not to cry.

Dressed, with two cups of coffee in him, he grabbed his phone from his nightstand and made his way back downstairs. It was then that he thought to check his messages.

Dammit. Pam had texted him twice and called him once. He listened to the voicemail, his pulse quickening to a jittery pace.

"Hey, it's me. I hope you're okay, that everything wasn't too terrible with Karen. Call me if you can. I—I love you." He heard her shy little laugh and again fought the urge to fall apart. "God, it feels good to say that! Bye."

He made sure to save the message in case that was the last time he ever heard her say those words to him.

He would see her in about fifteen minutes, so he didn't call her back.

Chicken shit, he said aloud to his empty apartment.

When he arrived, Pam's car was already in the Dunder Mifflin parking lot, and just as he turned off his engine, Karen pulled in beside him. He made himself wait for her, hoping she'd have some good news to share before this dreaded day began.

"Hi," she said. Her voice was neutral, her eyes giving nothing away.

"Hi. How are you?"

"The same," she said meaningfully.

"Oh."

They said nothing more as they walked into the building, and Jim felt a horrible sense of déjà vu. It had only been a few days before when he and Karen had followed Pam and Andy into the office and he'd felt sick thinking they'd been together. Now, he felt sick again, though for a totally different reason.

"Let's try not to think about it till we know for sure," Karen was saying on their way up in the elevator.

He laughed without humor. "Yeah. Right."

Karen smiled. "Look, it wouldn't be so terrible, would it? I mean, a baby is a blessing, no matter what."

Jim's head swiveled to her in surprise. "Oh, uh, uh, of course," he stammered. "No question about that. It's not the baby's fault."

She frowned. "What are you implying, Halpert? Whose fault is it, exactly?"

He cleared his throat nervously. "Ours?"

She laughed, shaking her head. "No one's, silly. Having a baby is not a fault. In some cases, it's just a…surprise."

Jim swallowed hard, his stomach in knots. He didn't think that was the moment to tell her he hated surprises.

Just as he opened the door for Karen into the office, she latched onto his hand with a vicelike grip. Pam looked up, smiled widely at Jim, then her eyes went immediately to Karen's hand in his. Her face fell at the same rate that his stomach did. He might just throw up after all.

"Good morning," Pam said, her voice now subdued, her smile gone.

"Good morning," said Karen enthusiastically. "Beautiful day today, isn't it?" Jim remembered that those were Andy's exact same words when he and Pam first began their ruse the other morning.

Avoiding both women's eyes, Jim pointedly began taking off his coat, which meant Karen reluctantly had to let go of him. When they both stood by Reception, coatless, Karen tiptoed up to kiss his cheek. Jim actually flinched, and Pam ducked her head down, her cheeks pale.

"Coffee?" Karen suggested brightly.

"Sure…thanks."

Jim remained by Pam's desk until Karen practically skipped toward the kitchen.

"You didn't tell her," said Pam softly, but he heard the hurt in her voice as if she'd screamed it.

"No. Not yet." He sighed. "Let's find a time to meet privately later. I have to talk to you."

"I'll IM you," she said.

"Okay." He started to move toward his desk.

"Jim. Are you okay? You didn't answer me last night."

"No," he said. "I'm definitely not okay."

He could no longer bear the pain of standing in front of her, and he realized he must be scaring her with his mysterious words and somber tone, but he couldn't mask his own fear; he didn't know how to mitigate hers. He was sorry he couldn't protect her from this.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Pam wasn't just scared, she was terrified. Upon seeing Jim and Karen, obviously still together, her legs began to shake, her hands grew sweaty, and her mouth went dry. Her heart felt like it was being squeezed by a giant hand.

Jim obviously hadn't broken up with Karen. Had he had second thoughts when he went back to Karen's hotel room the night before? Had he realized he'd made a mistake making promises to her?

Just as Jim was called into Michael's office a few minutes later, Andy arrived.

"Hey," she said tentatively. "Why'd you leave with Karen last night?"

Andy's smile turned forced. "She wasn't feeling well, and you guys were nowhere to be found, so…"

"Did you see Jim there, at her hotel room?"

He nodded. "Yeah. He showed up, looking pretty serious, so I made a hasty retreat. I stopped by the hotel bar for a drink on my way out, saw the Tuna leave about a half-hour later. He was looking pretty glum."

"Any idea why?"

"Nope," he said, but Pam's eyes narrowed when she saw him quickly glance down, nervously tap his fingers on the counter.

"What did you and Karen talk about before Jim got there?"

He shrugged. "Nothing much. I mean, she was sick, so I was focused on that. Despite us pranking her, Karen and I have been friends a long time. I was…concerned about her, that's all."

"Okay."

Andy met her gaze again. "What did you and Tuna talk about at the theatre?" he Funny how Jim didn't get Karen's text. You guys were gone a long time…"

It was Pam's turn to act coy. "I just confessed to the prank, and we cleared the air between us. He won't be playing matchmaker with either of us again, I'm sure, so consider yourself thoroughly avenged."

Andy frowned. "So does this mean…no more Pamdy?" He put his hand on his heart dramatically.

She grinned. "Nope, sorry. But we'll always have the break room."

He chuckled. "And the elevator, and the movie theatre. Well, sugar lips, it was great while it lasted."

She nodded, holding out her hand. "Thanks for going along with me. We really got him good."

He took her hand. Instead of shaking it, he bent over it and kissed her knuckles gallantly. "My pleasure, fair maid."

But as Andy made his way to his desk, his frown returned for real this time. She was still playing him. He'd hoped she would admit that she had really been using him to trying to get Jim from Karen, but she hadn't trusted him enough to confide in him. He glanced over at Karen at her desk, where she had been surreptitiously watching his conversation with Pam. He nodded to her: everything was still a go. Maybe Jim and Pam deserved what Karen was doing now, he thought bitterly. Being lied to made Andy very, very pissed off.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

When Karen offered to go for a lunch run, claiming she was craving a Philly cheesesteak, Jim encouraged her to go. He handed her a twenty, and asked for extra cheese. The moment she was gone, Pam shot him a text, and they agreed to meet in the stairwell in five minutes, each taking a roundabout way.

In the stairwell, Jim couldn't help drawing Pam immediately into his arms. He hugged her to him, nuzzled into her hair, closed his eyes tightly, as if this might be the last time.

"I love you," he breathed. "Don't ever forget that."

She pulled back a little so she could look into his troubled eyes. Pam's fear returned in full force when he couldn't hold her gaze.

"What's wrong?"

His hands lowered to take hers, and he looked between them, down at his feet a minute, mentally and physically preparing himself. He took a deep breath, let it out.

"I couldn't break up with her," he said.

She was disappointed, but understanding, which just made Jim feel worse.

"I'm sure it was hard. I get that you need more time."

He shook his head. "It's not that. She—she—" He swallowed, and the tears he'd been trying to hold back welled up in his eyes. "She told me she might be…pregnant."

"What?" Pam felt light-headed, but at the same time, her limbs were heavy as lead. Her hands tightened involuntarily in his.

"God, I'm sorry," he was saying desperately. "I thought we were being careful—"

"Are you sure? You say she might be…"

"She says she's late, but not late enough to take a test to be sure."

Pam frowned. Something suddenly struck her as a little off. "Insist that she takes it," she said. "Those things are pretty accurate these days, even if you're not far along."

"What? I can't. I don't want to put any more stress on her than necessary. I mean, what if—"

"Jim. You deserve to know. This is your life too. Hell, I'll go buy her a freakin' test myself."

Jim spied a bit of hope: Pam seemed genuinely on his side. She didn't appear to be mad at him, at least not yet, not without all the information.

"Okay. But—but what if she is pregnant? I mean, I'm never going to be totally out of her life now. What would that mean for—for us, for you and me?"

One hand came up to caress his cheek, wiping away a lone tear that had finally fallen. Her eyes softened.

"We've been through too much to give up now," she whispered, "we've had too many obstacles in our way to stop trying. I've loved you since the day we met, even though I avoided admitting it to myself. I let you go, refused your love once before. Now that I know you still love me, I'm not going to make that mistake again, I promise."

He gathered her against himself again, his arms holding onto her for dear life.

"Pam, I'm so sorry," he repeated. "I've loved you so long, I don't think I can survive it if you're not in my life again."

"We'll get through this together, no matter what happens. If she's having your-your baby, well, I'll love him, because he's yours. I'll be there, for both of you."

He stepped away from her to see her face, her own cheeks gone blotchy with tears. He realized in that moment, that, as selfish as he wanted to be, he had to leave her a way out if it came to it. "I can't ask you to commit to that sweetheart. You might feel differently later, and I wouldn't blame you if you did."

"I know what it's like to lose you. I'm not ready to do that again."

She kissed him then, trying to infuse all her love and strength into it, to comfort them both, to feel this connection that she knew in her heart would get them through anything.

Andy had noticed when Pam, then Jim had disappeared from the office, and, trying not to draw attention to himself, he had gone to look for them, hoping to spy and report back to Karen. When he'd heard muffled voices echoing in the stairwell, he'd slowly and quietly inched open the door. The couple had been so caught up in each other, they hadn't heard him, but he heard them.

As he listened to their desperate words, all of his anger began to melt away, and he could feel their anguish. The romantic in him latched onto that, and while he still hated that Jim had betrayed Karen, he could understand now that the two of them had loved each other a long time, that this wasn't just some momentary passion. He felt suddenly contrite. He was ashamed he'd gone along with Karen's plan. Clearly it hadn't been a prank, but the deep desire for revenge that had compelled her to do something so uncharacteristically cruel. Sure, she'd always been sort of cold, had scared off more than one man over the years with her demanding nature, but she was also fun and caring. It had to be that personality trait that had attracted Jim, after all. This wasn't like her, and he'd been a little shocked the night before when she'd come up with this plan.

For some reason, it hadn't worked out between Jim and Pam before, and Jim had apparently tried to escape from it in Stamford, had used Karen to shield himself from it when he returned to Scranton. Jim had probably been lying to himself, Andy realized, just as much as he had been lying to Karen.

Andy's loyalty to Karen prevented him from running to the lovers and spilling the beans then and there. He had to appeal to Karen's better nature, get her to end this soon so she could save face and find a way to move on. If Jim loved someone else, there was nothing for her here, he thought sadly.

As quietly as he'd opened the stairwell door, Andy closed it, then thoughtfully went back to his desk to wait for Karen.