TRIS POV
Every morning before the crack of dawn, when the sky is a fading navy, I am awake.
Freedom is not a common luxury in Abnegation—it never was—and I do not take it for granted. I am allowed one time of the day where I don't have to be squeezed into the mold that they try to fit me in, where I don't have to pretend to be something I'm not.
Before school or chores or whatever the hell they want me to torture myself with, I run.
It is convenient that I was wearing my Dauntless clothes when I returned to Abnegation because I have kept them ever since for this activity. I can't exactly exercise in gray slacks or a dress, the standard uniform. Luckily I get to wear a tank top, a jacket, skinny jeans, and combat boots when I go running, all black of course.
If I were to get caught in this selfish act that is purely for my pleasure, they wouldn't do anything besides have a leader reprimand me. Dauntless patrols just mistake me for an average Dauntless member going on a jog though, so I don't get in trouble with them either. Any neighbors that have seen me returning home haven't mentioned anything to anyone as far as I know. The only people I have to worry about is an occasional jogger. It is a very fortunate situation.
This morning is a clear one, and the air is filled with the natural scent of the earth because of the rain yesterday. I take a deep breath of it when I step outside and let it cleanse my lungs before I begin my run.
Today will be my last run in Abnegation, and my last day of school. Today I will take the aptitude test, and tomorrow I will receive enough exercise opportunities on my way to the Dauntless compound.
The thought of leaving this stifling place gives me a burst of energy and hope. My normal pace is multiplied, and I have to refrain from speeding it up even more. I pretend like I am running away from my birth faction, and for a moment it feels like my boots aren't even hitting the ground, like I am flying. And it almost would feel this way if it weren't for the cool water splashing at my ankles whenever I step into a leftover puddle from yesterday's storm. The tracks over my head shudder as a train passes over them, and I feel myself being pulled along with the train in the direction of Dauntless.
This elation is so rare in my day-to-day life that I take advantage of it. I smile so widely that my face stretches uncomfortably. I let my arms reach out to the side as I continue running, as if I am on a zip line again.
I'm going home tomorrow.
Somehow I turn my hour-long run into a forty-minute one. I am breathless from exertion by the time I get back, so I take a few minutes to drink some water and slow my heart rate. When the sun finally breaches its way over the fence, I step inside the humble house to prepare for school, noting that Caleb has already left.
With my long, gray dress on, I approach the mirror in the hallway on the second floor. On this day last year, I was somber. I met my own frightened eyes in the mirror while my mother trimmed my hair. Then I went downstairs, where we had one of our last breakfasts together as a family. I remember the heavy dread in my stomach that made me want to be sick.
It is the opposite now. This morning I am more than obliged to be going back to my faction of choice. My hair is about as long as it was then because I have been growing it out ever since I made the split decision to cut it in Amity. My face has aged significantly in the last year; I am no longer the meek-looking, awkward teenage girl who needs to grow into her features. Instead I am a woman, with my skin weathered from time and my naturally sad eyes, which reflect the loss that I feel with every waking moment.
If things were different, maybe my mother would be standing behind me to assist me with my hair and to meet my curious eyes in the mirror once more.
With my mood automatically dampened, I slide the panel that covers the mirror shut. My eyes land on the few scars that line my wrist, from a time when harming myself was the only way I thought I could find relief. I slide my sleeve down to hide them.
I wouldn't want her here to see the coward that I have become.
"Are you okay?" Susan asks as she slides into a spot across from me at the lunch table. "I don't mean to pry, but you seem..."
"Bored? Tired?" I fill in the blanks for her. The latter is because of reasons that will remain unknown to her—honestly, as kind as she is, Susan is the last person I would share details about my excessive nightmares with. As for the former... "That's because I could care less about this pointless test. We took it last year; there's no use in repeating it," I say bluntly.
My aptitude has not changed, nor do I believe that it ever will. I received Dauntless, Abnegation, and Erudite as my result the first time around, and since the war seemed to only enhance those values within me, I'm sure that this test will be no different.
"That's true," she says passively. "But we should still do what our leaders tell us to do."
I want to remind her that our leaders are the ones who dragged us back to this glum faction, but she clearly does not share the same sentiments with me—especially since she chose Abnegation and predictably will again—so I stay silent.
Meanwhile, the sixteen-year-olds wait anxiously for their names to be called along with those who are a year older—it is clear which is which. They do not know what to expect for this test. To distract themselves, they stay in their segregated faction groups, passing time in their own ways. The Erudite read fervently; the Candor have heated debates; the Amity sing a repetitive, rhyming song; the Abnegation sit patiently and mind themselves. The only group that I don't block out is the Dauntless, who are loud and lively.
Foolishly, I search for Uriah's face among them, but I don't spot him. Oh well. I will see him soon anyway. And I don't need to cause trouble by mingling with someone from another faction right now.
An Abnegation member emerges from the set of doors that leads to the aptitude testing rooms. While going through the list of names, she calls out, "Beatrice Prior."
I rise and make my way to the room I am assigned to. Upon entering, I realize too late that being a test administrator for the Abnegation dependents is not a very desirable job. Therefore, only a select few would volunteer.
Tori is one of those people.
Of all the Dauntless I thought I would see first, somehow it turns out to be her, someone who wasn't on the list. The last time I saw Tori, we ended on a hostile note because she was so determined to have revenge. I shiver when I see her standing in the room and run my finger over the now healed bite marks that line my hand.
"Tris," she acknowledges me with a stiff nod. I see how this confrontation will go; it will be formal and quick.
"Tori," I reply, stepping toward the reclined chair warily, as if she will sink her teeth into my hand at a moment's notice.
"Nice rags." Obviously referring to my not-so-flattering choice of attire, although it is not actually a choice. She types something on the computer next to the chair, and I swallow hard.
"Thanks." How else am I supposed to respond?
She tilts her head in the direction of the chair. "Have a seat."
Cautiously, I lower myself onto the chair, watching her every move just in case she tries to pull something. I don't think that she will attack me, but I simply can't trust her anymore after her stunt in Erudite.
It is ironic that I would be saying this now, when only a year ago I had to trust her with a secret that meant my life. She hid my Divergence, even risked herself to lie for me, and I am thankful for it.
But times, along with our relationship, changed. She decided that she would rather cause her friend harm than let Jeanine live. And I can't let bygones be bygones after that.
Tori looks years older as she barely turns her face to hand me a glass filled with a blue, translucent liquid. "You know the drill," she says.
"Yes," I reply, tipping the glass back to swallow its contents.
Dinner was once infinitely different.
At this very table, one year ago, my mother and father sat with Caleb and I and blessed the food before conversing about commonplace topics about seemingly inconsequential things that would later lead the city to war. Little did any of us know that we should have taken every precaution to end the feud between Erudite and Abnegation that we discussed.
"Beatrice?"
I peel my hollow gaze away from our mother's old chair and turn my attention to Caleb. He sits where our father once sat, across from me, and I notice that his face is slowly morphing into his as he grows older.
I clear my throat. "What?"
"I asked what you got on your test today," Caleb repeats.
Because of my now foul mood, I can't hold back the words building in my mouth. "I'll only tell you if you don't run off and give my results to Jeanine," I snap.
To be truthful, I did not mean for the words to slip out. I don't even mean them at all. Caleb and I have resolved our issues, and while his betrayal still pains me to think about sometimes, I have forgiven him.
The first days of returning to the Abnegation life with him were absolute horror. I couldn't believe a word he breathed, and any word he did say ended with me taking shots at him until he gave up on speaking around me. I despised Caleb with everything I had because of his disloyalty that led him to run off to Erudite and become Jeanine's puppet, to help her torture and eventually (try to) kill me. If he touched my arm, I bristled and snarled at him like a wild animal. If he made any tiny mistake while we were fixing up the house—it took some damage during the war—I would give him a verbal beat down.
And then, a few weeks in, it all shifted when I hit my breaking point.
Because it is not a desirable reminder, I immediately bury that night down into the darkest parts of me.
Long story short, I was severely depressed—I am not past it on some days—and I came to a point where I needed somebody. With no friends or boyfriend, I had one person left to turn to. I remember creeping down the stairs that night to find Caleb on the couch in the living room, and when I approached him, I collapsed in his arms sobbing. I needed my brother so badly that I was willing to forgive him for his naive mistakes.
And I have reason to believe that he did not even realize what he was doing at the time. He did make his own beyond foolish decisions, I am aware. But Jeanine is extremely manipulative. I was even tricked into giving her what she wanted, when I turned myself into Erudite. I can't exactly blame him for something I fell for as well.
"I'm sorry." I shake my head. "I didn't mean that."
Caleb bows his head and moves the peas on his plate around with his fork.
"I got the same thing. Abnegation, Dauntless, and Erudite."
"And I'm assuming you're choosing Dauntless?" he states, but it sounds more like a question.
"Yes. And you're choosing Erudite?" I ask.
His answer is certain and shocks me. "No. I'm staying here."
I blink at him. "But Caleb, you're Erudite. That's what you chose. Don't let me stand in the way of who you are. I promise, I won't judge."
Because this decision has to be about me. He knows how I feel about Erudite, how deep inside I would feel betrayed once again if he ran off into the arms of the faction that destroyed my life. But if being surrounded by research efforts and books suits him, then who am I to hold him back from living the life that he enjoys?
"No, this isn't about you," he sighs. During his brief pause that he takes to think, I take the opportunity to eat some more of my bland dinner. Then he clears his throat and answers, "I want to stay in Abnegation because I feel more at home here. I-I feel closer to our parents here."
A lump builds in my throat. God, I can never handle sentimental remarks about our family anymore.
"Besides." Heat rises in his cheeks. "Susan is staying, I think."
I flash him a grin. "You still like her."
"Yes," he says sheepishly.
"Make a move then," I laugh.
Once my teasing and his defensiveness lull off, we fall into a more sullen mood. "We never really got to be siblings like that, did we?" Caleb grimaces.
"No," I agree. "No, we didn't."
And it all comes back to Abnegation standards. If they didn't forbid us from acting like normal children, then maybe we never would have run into the problems that we did right before and during the war. Maybe we would be closer.
"Well, at least you used to laugh more when we were younger," he comments. "I miss that."
"Yeah." Me too. But the war took away my happiness, along with my will to live. My smiles and laughs aren't common these days.
I understand why he is saying this; ever since he came home that one evening last fall to find me cutting myself, he has walked on eggshells around me and tried to bring a grin to my face at any given opportunity. He has avoided bringing up any topic that might upset me. I think he is scared of me being pushed over the brink, and I don't blame him.
Once our dinner is finished, we clean up under the dim light that is meant to conserve energy but doesn't do much to illuminate the room in the first place. While he washes all of the dishes in the sink, I dry them. We fall into rhythm and don't feel the need to speak as we help each other with one of our last tasks together.
We retire once our chores are completed. I head to my room and he to his, and when my hand is on the doorknob, he says, "Beatrice?"
I look over my shoulder at him. "Yeah?" I say softly.
Caleb takes on the role of the man of the house. He squares his shoulders, looking all too much like our father, and gives me some advice that I never imagined coming from his mouth.
"Since you're going back to Dauntless, please take this advice: don't get involved with Tobias. It didn't work out the first time, and I don't want you to get hurt again." He gives me a sympathetic look. "I know you loved him, but it will only cause you unnecessary pain to be with him."
I gulp. I almost forgot about him—not in the way that you accidentally forget to do something, but in the way where you try to shove something out of your brain and it only comes back stronger to haunt you. Just the mention of his name gets my heart pounding, though not for the reasons it used to.
"Beatrice?"
"Yeah, got it," I rush out, moving into my room and shutting the door behind me.
Decided to post twice in a row just to get the story going!