TRIS POV
For one of the last times in my life—or maybe the last—I step outside of my childhood home and onto the gravel streets that run throughout Abnegation. It is a relieving thought this time around, rather than pressuring as it was before. But that was before I knew how liberating life could be outside of this restraining faction; it was before I lost my parents and therefore my desire to stay put.
"Are you ready for today?" Caleb asks as we walk side-by-side down the street. The bus stop at the corner is our destination—I have had to take the bus everywhere, and it has gotten to the point where if I wasn't going to be riding trains from now on, I would have recently started using my legs as a preferred method of travel.
"Yes," I say. Ready to go home in general? Yes. Ready physically? No.
After Caleb and I parted ways to our bedrooms last night, I couldn't stop thinking about Tobias, since he brought up the sensitive subject. It led to my eyes being glued open for hours and my body being uncomfortable in any given position. As forcefully as I tossed and turned, I could not jerk him out of my head long enough to fall asleep.
On top of that, nightmares plagued my mind when I did manage to get an hour or so of rest. They attack me almost every night, but last night was especially worse because each time I woke up meant another nightmare was to come until the morning saved me.
Now, it is taking everything in me not to involuntarily shut my eyes. I am so disoriented that I nearly lose my footing on a rock in my path as we walk.
I don't know what I will do throughout initiation. Tobias will undoubtedly be my instructor again, and therefore we will be forced to spend eight hours of each day, not only in the same room, but with him giving me pointers on shooting and fighting. A knot forms in my stomach when I remember the moment last year when he had pressed his palm in that same place and told me to keep tension here.
And even worse, he will have to delve into my mind and witness my worst fears during the second and third stages of training.
How am I supposed to pretend that his presence will be okay? My mistakes notwithstanding, he abandoned me when I needed him the most. That is the worst betrayal of all, and I have scars to prove it.
This is all I need to know. I will avoid him as best as I can, and keep it professional, like I did with Tori. I will no longer think of him as Tobias but rather as Four, because that is all he is to me now. The cold, harsh instructor with a number for a name.
"Beatrice?" Caleb calls.
I notice that he is several strides ahead of me. I must have stopped while I was deep in thought.
"Sorry," I say with the shake of a head, moving to catch up to him.
As we make our way to the bus stop, we come upon many Abnegation leaders on their way to the Choosing Ceremony, including Marcus Eaton himself, who I have avoided since returning to Abnegation. In fact, I have managed to stay completely clear of him until now.
"What is he doing here?" I ask Caleb quietly.
"Probably attending the Choosing Ceremony, like everyone else," he replies simply.
"But he's not a leader anymore." The other leaders thought it would be best for him to step down after the war, after his image had been tarnished at the Candor trials. The Council didn't want to seem corrupt in the slightest by jumping at the opportunity to take over again, so they started by wiping themselves clean. As much as the Abnegation still look up to Marcus—God knows why—his abusive reputation wouldn't allow him to be a leader any longer.
Caleb shrugs. "I don't know. Maybe he is trying to get on their good side again," he offers.
It is a logical explanation, which I accept. Marcus would do anything for power again.
Just as people are beginning to board the bus, he clumsily drops his briefcase. Nothing falls out because it is zipped shut and upright, but he seems to be having a difficult time bending over to pick it up. Old age is catching up with him, I guess.
He notices me watching and asks, "Beatrice, a little help?" His voice is polite, but I hear the threatening undertone.
Maybe if I didn't know him well, I would help. Maybe if I didn't know the evil he was capable of—abusing his wife and his son, saving his own skin at the cost of others' lives—I would help. Maybe if I didn't still blame him for coercing me into betraying the one person I loved most, I would help.
But I do know all of these things. And I also know that I have no sympathy for him. The war turned me into someone else, and she is not willing to take any shit from Marcus Eaton.
Instead of assisting or even just ignoring him, I make the situation worse. I nudge the briefcase over with my foot so that it tips over, the handles now level with the ground.
He flashes a glare up at me that is gone as quickly as it came as soon as Abnegation members hurry over, trying to pose as a victim. And because this is Abnegation, nobody snickers; the only thing they do is hand the briefcase to Marcus and offer him passive smiles.
Surprisingly, I find a smile in me too, but not for the same reason.
When everyone is finally crowded onto the bus, it shifts forward into motion. The summer air makes the amount of people worse, and my nausea intensifies the longer we stay on this death trap. At least this is my last ride. From now on, it will be strictly trains.
The Hub finally pulls into view, and we file off the bus. Caleb and I briefly lose each other in the crowd, but then we meet up again once we are halfway to the front doors.
A train horn sounds, and I yank on his arm to get him to stop. Together, we watch the train slow as it nears the pavement, and then people dressed in black leap from the cars, landing on a patch of grass that breaks their fall.
"Sorry," I say, turning to walk into the building. "I just miss it."
"Well, you won't have to for long," he sighs, holding the door open for me. "I'm going to miss you, you know?"
I frown slightly. I spent so much time hating him in the beginning, and now I am regretting it. Those are just less days spent with my brother.
"Yeah. I'll miss you too." I follow him up the stairs, momentarily forgetting how many flights we have to climb. "Don't be a stranger, okay?"
He turns to look back at me. "What do you mean?" he says, raising his voice so I will be able to hear him over everyone else in the stairwell.
"Whenever we get the opportunity, we need to see each other," I tell him. "Like Visiting Day. That's only in two weeks."
"Oh, right." He brushes his hair away from his forehead, reminding me why some girls may think he is handsome in an oblivious way. "How about I come to Dauntless? I've never really been there."
I laugh, picturing my brother awkwardly standing among a bunch of people with tattoos and piercings. "Well, when you do come, good luck."
We eventually reach the auditorium where the Choosing Ceremony is held every year. There is an overwhelming number of people swarming the room this year because there are two groups of teenagers choosing. Undoubtedly, some people will have to stand in the aisles.
Caleb and I are lucky enough to manage to snag two seats near the back of the room, up at the top. We watch all of the factions mingle in their segregated groups, and I desperately search for my friends' faces among them, to no avail. Later, Susan and Robert join us, and I socialize with them, knowing that I may not see them again. They are not close friends of mine, but they are decent enough to be the only people I could comfortably talk to in Abnegation.
When everyone is seated and quiet, the ceremony begins. It is Amity's turn to lead this year, so Johanna Reyes takes her position on the stage and begins her speech. I don't know how Johanna manages to keep a straight face through the falsities she speaks of—like factions being more important than love and family—because I know she doesn't believe these things. But I suppose if she has to constantly hide her feelings in Amity, then it is easy for her to do it here as well.
Like every other year, the names are called backwards and alphabetically. One by one, each teenager, either age sixteen or seventeen, makes his or her way to the front of the room to cut their hand and drop their blood in the bowl of their choice. I don't pay attention to the names or the choices. I wait calmly with my hands in my lap, not even bouncing my foot. I am not anxious; I know what to expect.
"Prior, Caleb," Johanna announces.
Caleb rises, and I do too. When he looks at me with confusion written all over his face, I wrap my arms around him in a tight hug. The Abnegation around us are all stunned, since contact is frowned upon in nearly any situation.
"I love you," I whisper into his shoulder. I haven't said the words to him in over a year. In fact, the last time I uttered them was to Tobias—Four—a few houses down from ours in our birth faction. "Good luck."
"Thank you." He squeezes me tighter before letting go.
Taking my seat, I follow his figure with my eyes as he walks, slouched in his gray clothing, up to the stage. He takes the knife from Johanna, and I have to hold my breath in case he chooses Erudite again.
Fortunately, I worry over nothing. Caleb slits his hand and drips the blood into the correct bowl.
"Abnegation."
The faction claps politely, commending his choice. I blow out a heavy breath in relief.
"Prior, Beatrice."
I stand up and say a quick goodbye to Robert and Susan. Then I walk down the aisle, trying not to beam.
"Yeeeeah, Tris!" someone shouts from the Dauntless section. I am glad to hear my name again. I get my own set of rowdy applause from my faction, which makes heat rise in my cheeks. While I am a sort of celebrity now because I was a prominent face in the war, I haven't gotten used to all of the attention. That was the only good part of living in Abnegation: I was treated like an average nobody by my former faction members.
When I get to the bottom floor, Caleb, who is standing with the other Abnegation initiates, grabs my arm.
"Be careful," he says.
"I will." Although I don't know how possible that is in a faction like Dauntless.
With eagerness, I walk up to Johanna and accept the blade from her.
"Thanks, Johanna," I say.
She offers me a reassuring smile, but I hesitate. At one time, I did this act willingly, just a little distance below where I am supposed to cut now. I promised Caleb I would never do it again.
But this is different, and I will myself to believe it as I drag the knife across my palm. Blood oozes out of the cut, and before it can fill my hand and drip on the stage, I hold my fist over the bowl. The deep red drop lands on the jagged coals that are still hot enough to make a fizzing sound.
"Dauntless."
The Dauntless break out into a loud cheer that echoes through the auditorium. With a wide smile, I stumble over to the Dauntless section, where Uriah is there to greet me.
"Uriah!" I gasp, running the rest of the way to throw my arms around him. It is so good to see him, like I'm home already, and I almost tear up a bit.
"Tris!" He picks me up and spins me around, causing me to shriek and blush again. Laughs and congratulations surround us.
After setting me down, he begins rambling as I study his face for any changes. I immediately notice that while he is smiley as usual and looks as if he wants to crack a joke, there is a dimness in him. I wouldn't necessarily describe him as "effervescent" anymore.
"How are you? I missed you a ton. I've only had Zeke and Four to keep me company. And you haven't really missed much. Dauntless hasn't changed, but initiation is going to be crazy—"
"Pedrad, Uriah," Johanna calls out, and I get the feeling that this isn't the first time his name was said by the amount of eyes on us.
"Oh crap, sorry, I'll be right back!" he exclaims, rushing onstage. All I do is laugh at his antics.
Time flies, and before I know it, Christina is screeching in my ear in excitement. Our time apart was lonely, we all three agree, and now the amount of contagious energy coursing through us that only derives from teenagers being with their friends is rampant. We have been separated for so long that we rudely carry on our conversation about anything we missed out on as Johanna tries to do her job.
As the ceremony nears its end, bandages are passed out to the new initiates of each faction. I take one and pass the box to Uriah.
"Tris, wow, I'm sorry, but our first order of business once we get to Dauntless is to get you into something flattering," Christina states without allowing any argument.
Tearing the plastic off the sticky part of the bandage, I nod. "I hate to admit it," I say, "but going back to Abnegation again has only made me realize that you're right when it comes to fashion." I would not have admitted this last year, when she constantly dragged me around the compound to make me look "pretty" in our spare time.
She claps in triumph, wincing when the cut in her palm makes contact with the other. "You just need to start with a little mascara and some tight clothes, and you'll be fixed up in no time."
I can't believe the previously repulsive idea is appealing to me. But I keep that part to myself, pressing the bandage into my palm to make it stay.
As soon as everyone is dismissed, we burst through the doors of the auditorium, down the many flights of stairs, and flood into the street. Random people milling around in the street hurry out of our way, mentally judging us as hooligans as we make catcalls and jog down the center of the road, towards the train platform.
Back when I was out of shape, I was breathless at this point of initiation, but now I relax because I have been waiting for a chance to run like this. With enough breath to last me a lifetime, I pass Christina and Uriah with a wide grin that I can't hold back.
However, Uriah is not satisfied with my passing of him. "Race ya there!" he blurts out, breaking out into a sprint.
Christina and I glance at each other challengingly before working to catch up. And because this is Dauntless, many others decide to take on Uriah in a race. My worn boots, which were definitely not made for running, leave me with blisters that I don't pay any attention to as I beat Christina to the base of the platform.
We all climb to the top and wait for the train. Eagerly, I bounce on my toes and shake out my hands as the platform rumbles beneath my feet, signaling an oncoming train.
Knowing better now than I did the first time, I get a running start, not bothering to watch the train pass and blow a gust of air at my face. I let others file on before me, and then I follow Christina and Uriah into the last train car with a rush of adrenaline buzzing through me. Instead of getting settled though, I lean out of the car to make sure that nobody else needs assistance climbing aboard.
An Amity girl—surprising, because there are about as many Amity transfers in Dauntless history as Abnegation transfers—struggles to push herself faster. She is short like me and must have begun running late, so now she is paying for it.
"You can do it!" I yell at her over the wind. "You're almost there!"
With a grunt, she reaches out for the metal bar on the side of the train, but I offer her my hand instead. I yank her inside just in time to watch the edge of the platform pass.
"Thank you," she breathes, leaning against the wall so that the wind won't blow her brunette hair everywhere.
"No problem." I offer a friendly smile. "What's your name?" It couldn't hurt to have a few extra friends in Dauntless, and I learned my lesson well last year.
She beams at my attempt to get acquainted. "I'm Destiny. What's your name?"
"It's Tris."
Her eyes bug out of her head. "Wait, Tris, as in Tris Prior?"
I shift my weight to my other foot, suddenly uncomfortable. I will never enjoy being recognized on a regular basis.
"Yes."
Destiny nods to herself. "Okay," she says. "I'll stick with you then, if you don't mind. You know what you're doing."
Fifteen minutes of waiting later, the Pire slides into view. Dauntless-born and transfers alike all crowd around the open doors to get a peek at the compound.
And the rooftop up ahead, of course.
"Get ready to jump," I suggest to Destiny.
"Jump?" she exclaims, incredulous. "We're several stories high!"
"Onto a rooftop," Uriah clarifies. "We're not that stupid."
Her jaw drops, and then she shuts it. "I'm going to take a wild guess and infer that the train is not going to stop."
Christina laughs, "Yeah, get used to it, honey. This is probably one of the least crazy things that we do here."
As soon as people start leaping out of the train, I back up against the wall.
"Just follow me," I tell Destiny, already taking her under my wing for seemingly everything. "And jump as far as you can, and you'll be fine."
She takes a deep breath. "Okay," she says.
When the time is right, I take a few running steps and throw myself onto the rooftop. I am in flight for no longer than one second before I hit cement. Gravel digs into the heels of my hands and my knees, and I wince for a moment. I shake off the jittery feeling and stand up, making sure my friends made it.
For a second I remember the initiate who didn't make the jump last year, her hair fanning out and her limbs bent unnaturally. When I blink, I see Marlene in the same position. My fault, because I didn't turn myself into Jeanine earlier.
Stop.
I take a cleansing, shaky breath. If I am going to get through initiation again, then I need to set aside my own personal issues and obstacles. This will not end well if I let myself relive the war as I almost constantly did in Abnegation.
A blonde Erudite girl groans next to me as she picks a rock out of her palm. It is apparent that she is sixteen, unlike me. I wonder if we will train together because we are transfers, or if I will train separately with the Dauntless born.
Either way, I will take all the allies I can get, and she seems nice enough.
"You okay?" I ask, holding my hand out for her to take.
Instead of letting me pull her up, she stands herself, casting a glare in my direction as she wipes her hands on her navy skirt. "I don't need a Stiff's help," she snaps.
Not expecting this reaction, I raise my eyebrows. Who does she think she is? She must consider herself prestigious coming from Erudite, but with that attitude, she won't make it a day in Dauntless. Those scrawny arms won't help her case either.
"Suit yourself," I mumble, wandering back over to my group of friends.
"Listen up!" a man hollers.
All of us initiates crowd around him, where he is standing on the ledge of the roof. He is tall and surprisingly bulky, like he could knock someone unconscious with one swipe to the head. Besides the ring through his eyebrow though, he doesn't look as Dauntless as many others with his lack of tattoos. Is this our new leader?
He confirms my suspicions. "My name is Hunter," he says sharply. "I am one of three Dauntless leaders, and I am here to welcome you to Dauntless." He gestures to the ledge. "Now, which one of you can prove your bravery to us by taking a leap of faith?"
The sixteen-year-olds packed together next to me blink at him as if they didn't hear him correctly.
"Wait, hold on. You want us to jump off the roof?" an Erudite girl questions incredulously.
Hunter narrows his eyes at her. "Was I unclear?" Rhetorical question, of course.
Christina nudges me in the side, and I glance over to see her holding back laughter. I find myself smiling too. Last year we were just as paranoid as the new recruits—because we were them—and now this is an inside joke.
"Hey, you," Hunter calls pointedly. "Stiff."
And because I am the only Abnegation transfer on this roof, I reply, "Yes, sir?" All eyes turn to me, but I don't slouch under their gazes.
"What's so funny? You want to go first?"
He means to intimidate me, especially because he is Dauntless and likely prejudiced against the Abnegation. But little does he know, I was the first jumper last time, and this will barely faze me.
"Yes, actually."
Without any further stalling, I step forward, right past Hunter's scrutinizing gaze. I'm perplexed as to why he doesn't recognize me as most Dauntless do, though I do look a lot more plain than usual in gray.
Hoisting myself up onto the ledge, I gain my balance and stare down at the seven-story drop. I can't help but gulp—I don't remember it being this high up. Jumping off the roof shouldn't be this difficult because I know what the outcome will be.
Once I take a deep breath and close my eyes though, the rest is easy. I step off the roof with a gasp hitched in my throat. My stomach drops, and I do too, and before I know it my body slams into the net underneath the gaping hole.
As I catch my breath, I slide my fingers in between the net and grip it for stability. But all too soon, the net dips, and I naturally roll in that direction.
I am met by dark blue. His eyes swallow me whole as they used to before, reminding me that they were once my only comfort and promised me things that could never last.
"Hey, Tris," he greets softly.
"Hi, Four," I say.