A/N: I AM ALIVE! Please don't kill me. Im updating this story because I cannot bare to leave it alone- it is my baby, my story, even if CA will never be mine. Sigh. But we make do with what we have, yes? yes. The thing about this is that it is entirely personal to me, and I swear to finish what I began. No matter how slow the progress.

Leave me some love with reviews if you enjoy this chapter!

He tossed uncomfortably for the millionth time that evening, hoping to God that Annie wouldn't notice. But she did. She noticed everything.

"Love, you're keeping me up," Annie said, pulling herself up to a seated position. She put a hand on his cheek, a sign to him of her concern. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing,"

"Liar. Did we not just talk about being open earlier today? You've been so on edge since Joan called."

Auggie sat up too, hung his head, realizing Annie was right. Annie turned on the bed lamp for a little illumination and turned to face Auggie. She took his left hand, rubbing circles with her thumb as if to remind him that she wasn't simply there to impose but to help him. She knew she had to remind Auggie that he wasn't alone anymore. God knew she needed that same reminder often, except Auggie was always a step ahead of circle-drawing on her hand. She couldn't say anything now, so she waited if Auggie could finally tell her what had been bothering him since the phone call she'd taken.

The phone call hadn't been for her. Joan had only asked her how things were going, asked until when her leave had been filed. She hadn't expected for Joan to ask for Auggie. It had been an amenable conversation, until Auggie took her phone down to the basement where they talked for almost an hour. Annie knew more than to pry- she trusted Auggie would tell her when he could. He'd been so good at bottling up these emotions he had before, Annie was surprised he couldn't right now.

"Joan called in to tell me about a friend from the military. Caleb came from his last tour a little less than a year ago, a purple heart to show as well. Spinal Cord Injury. He's still in rehab, but his family's struggling to make ends meet." Auggie said. He remembered Louise very well- She and Caleb had been engaged when he left for Iraq, and he knew that with how in love they were with each other, things were just going to work out between the two of them. Auggie also knew another thing- that the CIA had marked Louise as an asset, but she never did fold. He sighed, willing his unease to exit his system with his breath. It didn't work. "She wants me to talk to his wife."

"She wants you to turn her," Annie stated matter of factly. Auggie simply nodded. Annie shook her head. "That isn't all of it, you know that, right Auggie? You're as much of a mark as Louise is. Joan wants you back."

"I know."

"You don't want to?"

"I still don't know, Annie. I know how lost I became when I left the agency, even with Tash by my side. But now I'm with you, and I don't know now if it was the agency life I wanted back or just you." It had been difficult for him to voice this out, but it had been the bulk of what had been bothering him that evening. He knew that saying yes to Joan had repercussions, and all of them flitted by his mind, worst case scenarios and everything.

"Do you want to do it?"

"It feels so opportunistic. I don't know if I can." He remembered very well how vulnerable he had been after the blast at Tikrit. But he couldn't forget how broken his family had similarly been. He didn't feel right doing it.

"There's a but somewhere there, hon. You wouldn't have been tossing and turning in bed if you hadn't entertained the possibility of agreeing to Joan." Annie continued the circle rubbing. She couldn't tell if it was the motion or the prodding that kept Auggie talking, so she relentlessly did both.

"I want to see Caleb and Louise. I know how difficult this time can be for them, and I want to offer them things I didn't get back when I was the one in Caleb's position. Remember that project that sent me back? Project Proper Exit? My life at the CIA had been so convenient, I had totally forgotten about my brothers who didn't have it as easy as I did."

"Then go. Not for Joan. Go for Caleb and Louise."

"You're working me, Annie."

"Really Auggie? I wouldn't give a shit if you decided to work at the agency again or not. That's not my call to make. It's yours. And while you always did make my life easier when you were my handler, I still would stick behind whatever decision you make." She finally removed her hands from his, put her right one on his cheek. "I love you that much."

Auggie took her hand, pressed it to his lips and smirked. "You really are working me." Annie laughed, and Auggie tugged at her hand to bring her closer to him.

"Maybe a little," she conceded coyly after Auggie had launched a full on tickle war. Auggie pinned Annie down to the bed and whispered to her ear "Knew it,"

"I'd like to come out of my missions more alive than I have been the past few times, thank you very much,"

"Barber's doing a better job at that, I think."

"Honey, you don't know how many close calls I've had."

"Believe me, I know. You, Annie walker are a handful." He kissed her neck, stayed there to inhale that beautiful citrus smell of Jo Malone mingled beautifully with her bath musk. "I'll think about it, love. Coz I love you that much."

"Hm. Let's…continue this conversation tomorrow."

"Just the conversation." Auggie smirked. He had every intention of continuing everything else then and there.

While the conversation with Annie had eased his nerves quite a bit, Auggie was still only barely able to find himself some rest. He woke up to a snoring Annie, and he did his best not to wake her as he left the bed to get himself some coffee. She stirred, but he silenced her with a few kisses and an assurance that she could stay in bed longer.

"Always such a morning person."

"Only when there's coffee involved," Auggie smiled as he reached the bottom of the staircase. "G'morning mom," he slurred. Amanda shuffled towards Auggie to give him a peck on the cheek. She brushed her hand on her son's elbow and instead of taking his mother's lead, Auggie slipped his hand into his mother's. He didn't need a lead in this house. He did, however, crave his mother's company, especially now when he truly didn't know what to do. Even if he couldn't disclose the situation to his mother, he simply needed her company, just to soothe his frazzled nerves.

"There's a pot brewing in the kitchen. Why don't we head over there and get you a steaming, hot mug?"

Auggie's response was a solitary nod. They walked in silence, but Amanda couldn't have any more of it. She poured his son a mug and handed it to him over the counter.

"For a spy, you keep your secrets from your mother so poorly. What's wrong, Auggie?"

"Maybe that's why I've stayed away for so long."

"You're obviously better at changing the topic. Stop toying with me, August. I've dealt with enough of that with your father. So spill."

"They're asking me to come back. Well, not directly, but you know how the agency works…" He sipped heartily from his mug, mulling over his own words. Did his mother know? He couldn't remember how much he had actually divulged to his mother anymore. He'd been so distant, he'd forgotten how disjoint his life was from theirs. He put down the coffee mug

"Do you want to?"

"I do," Auggie responded. Such a huge part of him had gone missing since he left the agency- he knew it could've just been Annie, but now that he had her, he felt like he didn't know what direction he was heading towards. He knew he had to allow Annie to grow, but that too meant that he had to allow himself to do the same. While he could consider numerous careers elsewhere, he wondered if he'd ever be as confident, comfortable and not held back other than at the agency. He knew the answer to that. But in front of him lay something he realized he didn't want to leave again.

"I hear a but coming in somewhere."

"I don't want all this to go away." It was barely an audible whisper. He hadn't admitted this outright to anybody, really. He wasn't sure he'd admitted it to himself, even. But it was Auggie's mother's gift to draw emotions and things out of him- of anybody, really. He took a long breath before he said everything out loud. "Being home's made me realize how much I've lost because of the agency. There's been so much about this family I've missed. The kids growing up…"

Amanda put her free hand on the one Auggie was using to hold his coffee mug. "Remember when I'd thrown a fit over you leaving for Tikrit? Over how I thought you were doing something crazy, how I said you were such a foolish young man?" Auggie nodded, then shook his head.

"You were right, mom" he told her. "I should've listened."

"No. Listen to me, Auggie. While you were there, I realized, my reaction was plainly because my little boy had become such a grown-up and independent man. And while every ring of that telephone made my heart skip a beat in terror, I was proud of you. I don't think those words ever escaped my mouth when I would talk to you, maybe because I wasn't ready to accept that then. And then you came home, and that vibrant, independent young man I saw off to his last tour of duty was nowhere to be found. I was so terrified you wouldn't find it in you to bounce back from your injury, Auggie. It seemed to me that every day, I saw you sink lower into a deep black hole." Auggie's mother swallowed, willing her tears away, hoping to hold fort long enough to tell his son what she had to- what she'd wanted to tell him for so long but never had the opportunity to. "And then, I don't know what happened and you just pulled the rug under us so quickly and said you were returning to DC and no one really knew how to react. I know you know that your father wouldn't have it. I was terrified, too, Auggie. Didn't know how you were going to get by. But your brothers reminded me how you became that man back in DC and that maybe, this could be your chance at normal. And while I hoped and prayed that they were right, there were nights that I wish you hadn't gone and days I wish I knew what you were up to. But you came back with Annie and you came back a man above the one who left for Tikrit. You have no idea how happy that has made me." Auggie had taken his mother's hand, turning her palm face down as he rubbed soothing circles on both of her wrinkled and bony hands. "I may not know how things have come to be for you the past few years, but I know that you are your own man, and that being your own man means knowing what is worth sacrificing."

Auggie heard his mother loud and clear. She wanted him to decide for himself, like she always did, consequences for him to learn. That's the kind of mother she always was- so different from his authoritarian father. But as his mother's words rang- so did his dad's. He bowed his head, trying to shake it off. He sighed. "Dad thinks I'm selfish. That I did everything I did because I always only thought about myself. Hearing all that from you… I can't help but ask, mom, but am I?"

Amanda couldn't take his son's self-doubt: something he had rarely shown. She crossed the counter and put her arms around his shoulders. "Never. Ever. Think that way. Do you hear me August?"

"Loud and clear, Ma'am"

She kept him in her arms, held him the way she hadn't been able to in such a long while. "You've been through so much more than anyone in this family ever has, and still, you're here, for your father in his time of duress."

"It has been a bumpy ride, hasn't it?" Auggie asked, pulling away from the hug with a smile, leaving his fingers linked with his mom's the way they did when he was a child.

"Yet you're home. And no matter what you decide to do with your life, home will always wait for you."

Auggie could hear his mother sniffle, and with one swift movement, his hand was on her cheek wiping it away with the pad of her thumb. But he let his finger linger there, closing his eyes, recalling his and Annie's conversation the previous day. He willed himself to remember how his mother looked like, but couldn't bring himself to do it. He groaned his frustration away, and tilted his head to the floor.

"I miss seeing your face when you tell me these things. I don't remember how you look like anymore, but I remember how much I always thought you glowed like a light whenever you talked some sense into us." His hand dropped to his side as he flashed a sad smile, and a tear of his own escaped his eyes. And as quick as he wiped it away, his mother took back his hand and placed it on her chest, right on top of her heart.

"Then take what you have, Auggie. Feel it here."