Chapter 4: Flashback
Two Years Ago
Amelia knew she was going to die. She was out of gas and her blades had been smashed to pieces, all she had were two broken ends that barely extended a third of the length of the full blades. Amelia knew she should just throw them away, but she couldn't bring herself to abandon her only weapons left. Shaking, Amelia tried desperately to calm herself and come up with a plan, but she was frozen stiff, huddling between two windows on the second floor of the house she had run into for shelter.
Her situation was practically hopeless and even more than the fear, Amelia couldn't help but feel disappointed. She had joined the cadets and even made it through just over a year of basic training, but now she wouldn't live to see herself graduate. She had joined the cadets both to secure proper citizenship now that her only home and protection from the military police was gone, and because of her experiences in the fall of wall Maria. She had wanted to be like him, as strong as he was. Now she would never see him again or be able to thank him for saving her life.
It all seemed so worthless, she thought, squeezing her eyes shut against her tears, to have worked so hard, only to die with the other 250,000 people who had been sent to reclaim wall Maria. Most had been cut down instantly, having no experience. Even though they were accompanied by the Survey Corps, the Corps members averaged one experienced soldier for every 800 people and many squads, like her own, had contained no one with combat experience against the titans.
Amelia and two of her classmates had been the most experienced in her division of twenty and were the only ones with 3DMG, the rest being refugees, many of whom hadn't eaten in days and looked as if they would sooner fall apart than be able to stand against the titans. The first squads out were the ones loaded with Survey Corps members in order to clear the way for the less experienced ones behind them. It was that which signed their death warrant. Her squad had made it miles beyond the wall before they encountered their first titan. A 15-meter class which had made quick work of them.
She should have died with her squad, Amelia knew, should have stood by them and fought, but she hadn't been able to move. She could only stare on as her classmates and squad-mates were torn apart by the titan, their blood showering her own body. If it hadn't been for their deaths, Amelia would have died too. But while the titan was gorging itself on her squad, she had done something that she would be ashamed of for the rest of her life: she had run away.
And that was how she'd come to find herself huddling in the dark second floor of the house, terrified that a titan would find her. She was probably ten miles from the wall and would never make it back. Amelia didn't know why she was postponing the inevitable, she should really just walk up to a titan and let it kill her. Or… she thought, glancing down at the stumps of her swords. A quick slit to each wrist and it would soon be all over.
The sound of loud footsteps coming closer made Amelia freeze, pressing herself as close as she could to the wall. Then she heard a noise which made her heart skip a beat: the hiss smack of a 3DMG. Peaking around the window frame, she could see the titan running up the street, chasing after a person on horseback. A man was flying around the titan on his 3DMG, trying to get a clean shot of its nape. Hope began to simmer within her as she watched the two of them desperately.
As they drew parallel with the house she was in, something happened almost too fast for Amelia to register. The titan made an unexpected leap at the person and the horse, breaking one of the horse's legs, and it fell to the ground whinnying in terror and pain. The rider's leg was trapped beneath it, and they struggled to move it as the titan reached for them. The rider's companion lost his concentration, moving in too fast and too wildly to try to save his friend. The titan caught his line, and the man was spun face first into the window, crashing through it and slamming hard into the floor in front of her with a sickening crunch, the wings of freedom plastered across his back. Amelia's hand flew to her mouth to keep from screaming as he rolled over, glass shards covering his face. One was lodged in his carotid artery. Amelia could only watch in horror as he bled out in front of her, eyes staring helplessly and fearfully into hers.
The world seemed to slow as Amelia watched the life leave the Survey Corpsman's eyes. She could hear the person in the street shouting at the titan in a desperate attempt to distract it as it reached through the window, its deformed hand groping for the man's body. The poor Corpsman didn't know their friend was already dead. Anger began to bubble inside of her, anger at the titans who had killed the people who had been her family for years, anger at herself for being too weak to do anything now as the titans killed more and more people, and anger that she was going to die in this dark room and never be able to tell Captain Levi how grateful she was to him.
No, Amelia thought suddenly, clenching her broken swords in determination. If she was going to die, she would not die in the darkness. She had vowed that to herself the day her mother had finally wasted away into nothing that if she was going to die, she would die outside beneath the bright sun. Almost without conscious thought, Amelia leapt onto the titan's arm, running up towards its gaping mouth and surprised face. With a blood curdling scream she slammed one of her blades into its eye, and as it recoiled in pain she clambered onto its shoulders, stabbing her puny blade into the nape of the titan's neck over and over again.
"Die! You mother fucking piece of shit!" Amelia screamed, tearing into the titan like it had torn into her friends.
She would never forget the rage she'd felt, tears streaming down her face as hot titan blood splashed up at her and soaked her clothing. The slick blood made her lose her unsteady purchase on the titan, and Amelia began to slip down its back. Pulling her arm back, she stabbed into its nape with all of her frustration and pain, knowing this was her last chance to kill it, and to her surprise, she did.
As the titan fell to the ground, Amelia felt exhaustion sweep over her and laid across the titan's nape, uncaring that she was being burned by the steam coming off of the titan's corpse. Two hands grabbed her from under her armpits and dragged her out of the deadly heat, shaking her into alertness. Amelia slowly came out of her daze, focusing on dark brown eyes behind thick spectacles.
"Are you injured cadet?" The person asked her, and Amelia looked at them in confusion.
"I… I don't think I am," she mumbled, looking down at her blood covered uniform.
"Are there any survivors in the area?" they asked, and Amelia shook her head numbly, tears streaming down her face as she broke into sobs. Warm hands squeezed Amelia's shoulder comfortingly.
"There will be time for that cadet. For now, we need to look to our survival. I'm Captain Hange Zoe of the Survey Corps, what is your name cadet?"
"A-Amelia, just Amelia."
"Cadet Amelia," Hange said, holding out their hand to help her up. "Let's find shelter until nightfall, and then we'll return to the wall."
"We'll be deserters, we'll be shot," Amelia answered tearfully, and Hange frowned at her.
"They sounded the retreat hours ago."
Amelia stared up at them hollowly.
"Our squad wasn't informed." She could barely get out the words. All those people were eaten needlessly. They could have all survived.
Hange looked at her sadly before helping her up and they began their hunt for a cellar. Their only option, Hange told Amelia, was to hide out until nightfall when the titans would mostly have stopped moving or at least become extremely lethargic and slower to give chase.
It was in those perilous hours, huddling together in the dirt beneath a house, praying that the titans wouldn't find them, that Amelia first got to know Hange. Despite the horrible situation they were in, Hange was able to chat away the hours with a smile that made Amelia feel like they would survive. When Amelia had broken down in tears over the death of her friends and the terror she'd experienced that day, Hange had held her to their chest and allowed her to sob silently until her tears wouldn't come anymore.
"You have such pretty hair," Hange commented lightly as they stroked Amelia's head comfortingly. "I'm glad you didn't cut it like so many recruits do."
Amelia sniffed and lifted her hand to rub her itchy, tired eyes. "How do you do it?"
"Do what?"
"Go on… knowing you should be the one who died instead of them," Amelia asked hollowly. "Why am I alive when everyone else is dead? I ran away. They deserved to live; I should have been eaten!"
Hange took firm hold of both of Amelia's shoulders and looked her dead in the eyes. Amelia was struck by their sudden seriousness and reflected pain.
"Amelia. You cannot think like that," Hange began, "We don't get to choose who lives and who gets killed. All we can do is keep the will of those who have passed on alive in our own actions. You have a responsibility now, to make sure those you loved did not die in vain, to keep being strong and think of new ways to fight and understand them. Fight, in your own way, whatever way you know how. Dedicate your life to their memories and to continued discovery so that one day no one else will have to live in fear."
All Amelia could do was stare at Hange, admiring the way they were able to keep going even after all they must have been through to still be alive. Sitting here in the dark, Amelia had almost wanted to crawl back to the Underground. It would be easier to deal with the filth of humanity than the horror of the titans. But Hange was right, if she gave up now the men and women in her squad would have died in vain. And should Amelia die, she knew Hange would keep going and make sure her death was worth something.
They emerged from the cellar after the sun had been down for many hours and turned north, beginning their run on foot. Ten miles from the wall was definitely accomplishable by night, but it was going to be difficult, and although most titans would be inactive by now, titans were always an uncertainty. The closer they got to the wall, the more morbid it was to pass pieces of the dead. Some had gotten so close only to be eaten.
"We're almost there Amelia, only a few more miles," Hange encouraged her.
The wall seemed as though it wasn't getting any closer and they'd been running for almost eight miles by now. In full gear, especially after being awake a full 24 hours, exhaustion was taking its toll on Amelia. She could feel bruises beginning to form on the sides of her thighs where the gear was hitting abrasively with each step.
Amelia froze at the faint vibrations that echoed in her ear, and Hange pulled out one of their blades as they listened. It was coming from behind them. Hange motioned her behind some bushes. Hopefully the titan would simply pass by them, being too out of it from the lack of sunlight. But as the footsteps drew nearer it became clear that the noise was not that of a titan. Instead Hange whooped for joy, jumping out of the bushes as men on horseback rode towards them.
"Hange!" A voice called out to them, and Commander Erwin and another man with blonde hair and a thin mustache and beard reigned in before them. The three greeted each other happily, quickly trading information about the day. Amelia's legs gave out in relief, and she dropped to the ground in exhaustion, tears spilling out over her eyes. They were saved. It was then that she realized that the two men had turned their attention to her as Hange was recounting their meeting.
"We lost Wescott." Hange told them bitterly. "He was one of my newest recruits and held in there for so long. I was sure we were both going to make it."
There was a moment of grim silence before their mood shifted to one of happiness, "And I would have been done for too if it hadn't been for this cadet, Amelia. I think even Levi would have had to have been impressed if he'd seen her performance today. She took down a 7-meter class with not even half of a blade left."
Much to her dismay, Amelia could feel herself blushing badly under the gaze of the two handsome men. The moonlight glowed off their golden hair and strong shoulders. She hoped it was dark enough that they couldn't tell.
"Thank you for keeping my Captain safe, cadet," Erwin addressed her, and Amelia struggled to her feet, saluting as gracefully as she could. "Now I think it would be best if we all kept moving."
Erwin extended his arm to Hange who grasped it easily and swung onto the back of his saddle. Amelia watched as the other man kicked his horse softly, and it stepped up to her. Amelia took his offered hand but couldn't get her legs to make the jump, they felt like lead. The man seemed to know exactly what was wrong without the need for her to put it into words. To her growing humiliation, he jumped down from his saddle, towering over her, he put his hands on her waist and easily lifted her up as if she were a ragdoll before swinging up behind her. Leaning in close to her neck, Amelia felt goosebumps break out across her skin as he took a long sniff. His hair brushed against the soft skin behind her ear, and Amelia felt her heart flutter.
"Don't mind Mike," Hange laughed as Erwin started forward, "He does that to everyone."
"Oh, it's okay, I don't mind—I mean it's fine—I mean…" Amelia stuttered, turning a darker and darker shade of red before deciding she just needed to shut-up.
Mike seemed to be content with the results of his test and nudged his horse into a steady canter towards the wall. Despite her embarrassment and awkwardness, Amelia's exhaustion took over, and she leaned back into his firm chest, letting her muscles slowly unwind, although she knew she'd never be able to fully relax until they were behind the wall.
It wasn't long before they arrived at the gate to Trost District, small groups of fellow survivors who had managed to wait until night were also coming in. Even close to the wall there were dead bodies, Amelia noted sadly, but it was strange, these bodies were almost completely whole, not torn into pieces or bitten into. An old man lay almost immediately in front of the gate, and Amelia's eyes fixed on him as they rode past, staring at the bullet hole in the center of his forehead and the expression of horror still on his face. Amelia thought she recognized him from a squad that had left just before her. He had been talking about how he needed to return to take care of his grandson.
Had the military police really shot everyone who had returned to the wall prematurely?