Chapter 19: Darkness
Sitting in the doctor's private room, Amelia thought back over the past couple of weeks. Capturing a titan was proving much more difficult than either Hange or Amelia had previously believed. Erwin was vehemently refused permission to bring a titan into the city despite what had been learned about them. The monarchy was fearful of the reactions it would cause among the people and did not want to provoke the titans into attacking. This meant that for the time being, doing experiments on them would be difficult or impossible, but they could at least test equipment and refine their titan catching techniques in the field.
Lately, Hange had been covering the spears that they shot into the titans in different poisonous or toxic substances in order to see what the effects would be. Thus far they had been unable to kill a titan in any way besides hitting its nape, but they had found a substance that would make the wounds tighten around the spears and cause a temporary paralysis effect. Hange and Amelia were currently experimenting with different levels of the substance with different classes of titans and the minimum number of spears that would be necessary to control titans of each class.
Amelia and Hange had also just finished completing the specifications for a deadly net which would help hold a titan down. The inside was covered with foot-long metallic spikes that would dig into its prey and could be treated with toxins to help paralyze the titan. There were some in the Survey Corps who were outraged at the idea of sparing the life of a single titan, even for study. Others were eager to learn about the enigma the titans presented to humanity. It was only the deep respect everyone carried for Commander Erwin that kept internal fighting from breaking out in the Regiment.
Lane Donovan had recovered from her illness and mostly healed. She'd said goodbye to her team after being honorably discharged from the Corps by Erwin. Lane had privately and profusely thanked Amelia for saving her life before departing with Victor, and Amelia wished them both the very best. Oluo had also recently returned from the hospital, and he and Petra had been spending even more time together, frequently disappearing together for long periods of time. Levi had been agitated by this new development and Amelia tried not to be jealous, knowing that he and Petra shared a close friendship and special bond.
"Lieutenant Amelia," the doctor's voice pulled her from her reverie.
Amelia had gotten to know Doctor Gracie Romero from her frequent visits to the hospital to visit Donovan and Oluo, and the tall dark-haired woman had gained her trust and respect. So when Amelia had become suspicious of her condition and her period continued to be late, she had gone to Dr. Romero. They had performed the test the day before and the results were now ready. Amelia looked at the Doctor, her heart pounding against her ribcage, a cold sweat breaking out across her forehead.
"The results are positive, congratulations."
Amelia felt as though Gracie's voice was echoing from some distant hallway or as if she was hearing it from underwater. In her heart, Amelia had known. Her period had been weeks late and she'd been having frequent morning sickness, but to hear it confirmed by the Doctor was something unbelievable. This changed everything. She and Levi were not married, and as far as she knew they were far from becoming so. Would he be happy when she told him? Would he stay with her?
"Are you alright Amelia?" Dr. Romero's voice broke in, her hand laid gently on her shoulder in concern. Amelia nodded with a small smile locking eyes with the Doctor reassuringly.
"Yes, thank you." She answered after taking a moment to regain her wits, her hand moving to her abdomen, looking down at herself. She was pregnant, she carried a child inside of her even at this moment.
"I'm going to give you instructions for proper diet during your term and I want you to come talk to me if you need anything." Doctor Romero informed her, jotting down instructions on a piece of paper. "And of course you'll need to inform your commander, you can't go out in the field during your pregnancy. Would you like me to write something for you?"
"No, thank you Doctor. I can handle that," Amelia answered quickly, not knowing whether she could in fact handle it or not.
She would have to tell Levi before she informed Erwin, but Amelia wasn't sure she'd ever have the courage to do that. She accepted the instructions from her gratefully and walked from the room as if in a daze. This was not something she had expected nor something she was ready for. At the same instant that it filled her with joy to be carrying Levi's child within her, it also filled her with indescribable dread. Levi had never mentioned wanting children to her, and Amelia hadn't thought much of it before either. Bringing a child into a world where humanity was caged like cattle seemed full of folly. Would he leave her for it, or would he stay?
Amelia blinked against the bright sunlight as she walked out of the hospital, looking up at the clear sky, and she took a deep shaky breath. Pikale looked at her with knowing eyes as she walked up to him and he nudged her with his head affectionately. She scratched his nose absentmindedly as she stared into space, one of her hands rubbing her lower abdomen thoughtfully. Would it be a boy or a girl? What would it look like? Would it be healthy? Would it be safe…? She remembered how awful it had been to wait at HQ while all the people she cared about went out on an expedition. Was that what her life was going to be like once she was discharged?
Amelia remained understandably distracted throughout the rest of her duties for the day. She and Levi were helping to train the Squad Leaders in the use of the double belt 3DMG, and Levi kept looking at her in frustration and concern. Her turns were awkward and slow and she seemed constantly distracted.
"Are you alright?" He asked her when they had a moment to themselves, his eyes examining her critically as she nodded, her eyes still looking far away.
"I'm not feeling well," she said at last, looking at him for the first time that day. Her eyes were swirling with emotion, and she seemed both confused and afraid, an expression he'd never seen in her before.
"Do you need to stop?"
"No," she smiled at him, squeezing his hand reassuringly, her eyes sparkling. "No, it's not that bad, I'll be fine."
"Tch. Then get your shit together brat."
"Yes sir."
And she did pull her shit together. Amelia instantly became more focused, and she began performing better, daring to give advice even to Erwin. If Levi were anyone else, he would have been fooled into believing everything was okay, but he had Amelia's habits ingrained in his soul and there was something desperately wrong. When she continued to avoid his gaze and ran off at the end of their practice without speaking to him, a cold sweat and suspicion began to creep over him. Was she considering ending their relationship? At first Levi pushed the thought aside with derision, it seemed such an alien concept. Levi had imagined what would happen if one of them died in battle, but he'd never considered her leaving him.
Amelia couldn't bear to remain under Levi's scrutiny. He could read her too easily, and she still didn't know what to say to him or how he'd react. So she hurried away after the practice, making it into the corridors of the hallway before being stopped by a man calling out to her. She almost didn't slow down but the more alert part of her registered that the voice belonged to Commander Erwin and she skidded to a stop, turning hesitantly and saluting him. He smiled easily at her.
"Am I keeping you from something?"
"No, sir."
"Then walk with me." Amelia trailed alongside her commander, his imposing figure towering over her, strong and sure, and she could feel her heart beating against her ribcage. He seemed to be thinking over what he was going to say to her.
"Amelia, I wanted you to know that you have earned my respect over this year," he began, and Amelia looked up at him surprised, his warm eyes looking into hers. "You have become an indispensable part of the Survey Corps. We wouldn't be where we are today without you. I look forward to seeing your future contributions."
He clapped her on the shoulder affectionately and turned away, heading down the hallway. Amelia felt as if she might throw up and quickly made her way to the women's barracks, falling into her bed, her heart beating. How could she own up to Erwin that she was pregnant and could no longer remain in the Corps after he had told her that? Pulling the rough blankets up over her head, Amelia felt her tears begin to wet her pillow.
Levi carried a bowl of soup back from the mess hall to the women's barracks. He wasn't worried about it being crowded as almost everyone was still at dinner. He could make out Amelia's form in her bunk, a candle still lit by her bed, her blankets pulled up to her chin. Levi sat on the edge of her bed, letting the bowl of soup rest on his knee as he felt her forehead for fever. She didn't feel warm. Amelia's eyes flickered open at him and she smiled softly, but Levi saw how red her eyes were from crying and his breath caught in his throat.
"I brought you dinner." He told her, and she nodded, sitting up in bed and accepting it gratefully. She ate in silence as Levi observed her. Something was definitely wrong. "What happened?"
Amelia looked up at him in surprise and she teased her lower lip with her teeth, her nose crinkling in agitation. She looked at him, and her gaze was more serious than he'd ever seen it before, and it made his breath catch in his throat. Had he done something wrong?
"Levi… I… I'm…." Amelia trailed off, looking away from him and Levi swallowed uncomfortably. He waited for her to tell him that she didn't love him, that everything had been a mistake and that she wanted him to leave her alone. Her seriousness and awkwardness around him all day could only be pointing in that direction. Amelia hesitated and appeared to lose her nerve.
"Thank you for the soup."
"Of course." Levi answered softly, taking the soup bowl back and standing as she snuggled back under her covers. "Do you want to spend the night with me?"
"I'd better stay here tonight," she answered after a long pause, unable to meet his eye. Levi nodded stiffly and walked away his chest tight at her rejection and he tried to remember what he could have done to so quickly lose her affections. Stopping in the hallway he leaned against the wall, his head falling back, and he clutched at his chest at the almost physical pain that clenched his heart, finding it hard to breathe. He felt hollow to the core of his being.
…..
Petra gently ran a brush through Amelia's long chestnut hair until it shone, some strands fell forward into her face like a veil. Petra was concerned about her friend. For the past week when Amelia had not been training with her team she'd mostly kept to her bed. Levi had also been more reserved and silent than usual, and she had barely seen them around each other all week. When they were together, they barely looked at each other, and Amelia usually made an excuse to leave. Whenever Petra tried to ask Amelia what was wrong, she would quickly change the subject, and Levi sure as hell wasn't talking.
"I'm not sure I'm up to going out tonight," Amelia said quietly, lifting a hand to rub her eyes sleepily. Petra swatted her hand away from her face as she began pulling her hair into an elaborate up-do.
"You're going to mess up your make-up," Petra admonished, finishing Amelia's hair, having twisted it into a loose knot with lovely braids. "Besides, I just spent all this time on your hair, you have to come. It'll be great Amelia. You need a night out. It's the festival."
Amelia smiled at her, it wasn't as bright as it normally was, but it was a start. She looked beautiful in the emerald-green skirt she was wearing with a cream-colored peasant blouse and deep blue sash tied around her middle. Petra grinned at her and pulled her up, hugging her friend tightly.
"Whatever's going on with you, everything will be alright." Petra whispered in her ear, and Amelia managed to choke down a sob before nodding and letting her go. "I brought you a present."
Amelia glanced up in surprise as the door open, and her smile fell imperceptibly when she saw that Mike Zacharius stood in the doorway. She recovered from her disappointment quickly, smiling at the Captain brightly and taking his offered arm. He leaned down and kissed the side of her head gently, squeezing her arm reassuringly. Amelia leaned into him gratefully, smiling up at her friend.
"You look beautiful," Mike told her and Amelia blushed prettily as he escorted her out of the HQ, her long emerald skirt lighting up beautifully in the late evening sunlight. Petra watched them go with a smile as she and Oluo followed from a distance. Phase one of their plan had worked, phase two relied on the others to succeed. Petra knew how stubborn Levi could be and wished them luck.
Levi was sitting in his office, sipping on a glass of brandy, working on paperwork. Leaning back in his seat, he cracked his neck, stretching his sore muscles that were stiff from sitting in the same position all day. The only time he had moved was to grab food from the mess hall and walk back to the room. Levi had given up trying to ask Amelia what was wrong. She was avoiding him and dodging all of his attempts at questioning her. It had only taken a few days for him to go from being worried to being frustrated to being angry.
"Captain," a voice called from the doorway. Levi looked up to see Eld and Gunther standing in the doorway. Levi's eyes immediately narrowed in suspicion.
"What," he snapped.
The two both looked sheepishly at each other, Gunther rubbing the back of his head.
"Aren't you going to the midsummer celebration in Trost?" Eld asked. "Everyone's going."
"Do I look like I have time for that shit?" Levi deadpanned, giving the two a glare. The truth was that he was having difficulty finding anything left to do after living almost exclusively in his room for the past week.
"Come on Captain," Gunther prodded, "You've barely gone outside in days."
"I don't remember asking your opinion," Levi stated flatly, his eyes narrowing.
"Levi."
Gunther and Eld jumped as the voice rumbled from behind him, and Erwin appeared out of nowhere. Levi stared at his commanding officer questioningly as Erwin motioned for him to follow. Gunther and Eld exchanged distressed glances as they watched Erwin and Levi disappear around a corner. Levi followed silently besides Erwin waiting expectantly for some important information to be presented to him. As they continued walking, he tried not to appear too impatient, crossing his arms over his chest. When they exited headquarters and Erwin mounted one of two readied horses, Levi frowned at him.
"What are you doing Erwin?" He asked crossly.
"I'm going to the festival tonight, and you're coming to make sure I don't get too drunk." Erwin smiled at him pleasantly, and Levi clicked his tongue in annoyance, turning to go back inside. "Are you going to ignore an order from your Commander, Levi?"
Levi turned his eyes back on Erwin darkly, glaring at the man in a brief battle of wills before getting on the other horse. He followed Erwin into Trost district, his mood quickly becoming blacker and blacker as more people surrounded them while they crowded into the city for the festival. Levi hated crowds and he hated that he was being manipulated by Erwin into leaving the headquarters.
As they tethered their horses and dismounted, people quickly cleared a way for them, immediately recognizing the two famous leaders of the Scouting Regiment. The streets were heavily lined with people who had come to Trost for the midsummer celebration and store fronts were lined with those buying and selling drinks and the smell of all manner of foods permeated the air. Music was being played and some people had started dancing in the square while some performers roamed the crowd. Levi made a mental note of where they were and to avoid them because he was certain they were pickpocketing. Erwin sat down at a stool in front of a shop and waved his hand to order a drink.
"Would you like anything Levi?" Erwin asked as he sipped on his drink, and Levi's eyes narrowed at him as he leaned against a wall but accepted the drink Erwin offered and watched the revelers apathetically. His eyes wandered from couple to couple and settled on the back of a beautiful young woman. Her green skirt hugged her waist tightly and her swaying hips were mesmerizing to watch. It took him a moment to move his eyes from her backside and realize that she was dancing with Mike Zacharius. Where did he find such a breathtaking woman?
As Mike spun her around, Levi choked on his drink when he realized the woman was Amelia. He felt like smacking himself, it was so obvious. The sight of her brought an instant shot of pain through his chest and he looked away from them. His eyes, however, continued to dart back to the dancing couple, seething in jealousy as he watched Mike's hand on her hip. After a while he gave up trying to ignore them and watched her graceful movements, it made his entire body ache to watch her and not be able to hold her in his arms.
The next time Mike spun her around, Amelia locked eyes with him, her soft smile faltering before Mike twirled her back into his chest. Levi watched with some satisfaction as she continued to glance his way with each twist and turn, her eyes barely leaving his. For the first time in days, Levi felt hope filling his chest as his dark eyes captured her in his gaze possessively.
Amelia couldn't keep her eyes off of Levi as she was held in Mike's strong arms. The longer she spent time dancing with Mike the more she wanted to run to Levi and feel his embrace once again. Her entire body ached for him and Mike smiled down at her, walking her away from the dancers early and escorting her towards Erwin and Levi. She smiled at him apologetically, but he squeezed her hand in understanding as he turned to talk to Erwin.
Amelia looked sheepishly at Levi, glancing away and rubbing the back of her head. Now that she was finally standing next to him, she couldn't hold his gaze but could feel him staring at her face and her cheeks slowly turned crimson. She jumped when she felt a hand under her chin and Levi pulled her gaze to meet his. She could feel her cheeks burn even brighter under his gaze and although he wasn't smiling his gaze was soft and his hand gentle.
"Hi," Amelia smiled shyly at him. He only nodded in response, a slight smirk appearing on his lips. "Would you like to go on a walk with me?"
"Of course," Levi answered almost in a daze as he took her offered arm and they walked off together. Mike and Erwin watched them go with small smiles on their faces.
"It seems like that worked." Erwin said to Mike who was still watching them go skeptically. He could tell that there was something else weighing on Amelia that she had yet to reveal to anyone and until she did he wasn't certain that all would be well.
Amelia let her head fall against Levi's shoulder, content to simply walk with him and enjoy his presence for the first time in too long. Stopping at a vendor Levi bought her candied pecans and Amelia grinned, taking them and savoring some, handing a few to him as well. They enjoyed walking around the festival together Amelia pausing to watch a few performers do a tumbling act on the ground, her gaze bittersweet. A few others were lighting a candle, placing it underneath a thin paper bag as onlookers stared curiously.
"Do you miss it?" Levi asked softly and Amelia looked over at him with a pained expression and nodded casting her gaze down.
"It's not that I would trade this life for that one, but I miss the simplicity of it, and I miss my family." She said softly, and Levi wrapped his arm around her waist pulling her close to him in a tight embrace that took her breath away as she buried her head in his neck.
"I can't imagine my life without you here."
"Levi," she murmured holding him tightly. His response had given her courage and swallowing her fear she put her mouth to his ear. "Levi, I—"
She was cut off as the crowd applauded and her eyes followed the paper bag as it lifted into the sky, glowing brightly in the growing darkness. The performers were now offering some for others to try for a small fee. As she stared, Amelia froze, the puzzle of Dr. Colman's research that she'd shoved into the back of her mind finally clicking into place and she gasped. Levi pulled back quickly looking at her in concern, but she smiled brilliantly at him.
"I figured it out!" she said excitedly, grabbing his hand and running through the crowd. "It all makes sense now, I can't believe I didn't figure it out before! Of course I'll have to figure out the details, but can you imagine what this will do for us?"
"Mia, stop," Levi said, pulling her to a halt in the middle of the alley she'd run down on the way back to headquarters. "What are you talking about?"
"Dr. Colman's flying machine! I know how it works, Levi, I can create something that can completely change our fight against the titans!" Amelia told him excitedly, her eyes shining with the ideas streaming through her brain. When she locked eyes with Levi she was quickly sobered at his hard skeptical stare. "What's wrong?"
"Colman… isn't that the traitor you were accused of conspiring with?" He asked slowly.
"Well, yes, but it's not like that, I found his research in the library, I never met him and I'm certainly no traitor—"
"You lied." Levi spoke so softly she had to strain to hear him, but the look of anger he sent her froze her to her core. "Commander Erwin put his life on the line because he trusted what you told him, and you lied to him and to me."
"Levi, I'm not a traitor—"
"Stop." He commanded, his voice sharp, cutting into her heart. "Just stop Amelia."
He dropped her hand with finality, pulling his gaze away from her and turned to head back to the crowd. Amelia watched him go, her cheeks suddenly wet and lifting a hand to her face she realized tears had begun to fall down them. Brushing them away roughly she squeezed her hands into tight fists and headed back towards HQ at a quick pace, fueled by her anger. Didn't he understand what this could mean for the Corps? She was in such a hurry that she didn't notice the shadow of Kenny Ackerman smiling behind her.