Chapter 20: Choices

Amelia knuckled away angry tears in the women's shower while scalding water poured over her. She could feel her skin turning red beneath the droplets, but she didn't care. Right now, she wanted to hurt a little. Levi had made it clear over the past few days that he was serious about wanting nothing to do with her—treating her more coldly than he ever had. When he'd been mad at her after she'd broken his nose, he'd at least looked at her. This stoic indifference was much worse. Amelia knew she'd crossed a line, but she was so fucking pissed that he wasn't giving her a chance to explain herself. How dare he claim to love her and then not even hear her out?

At least Levi's choice made her own easier—really, he'd made the choice for her. She'd need to speak to Dr. Romero, but she was sure it was still early enough to abort the fetus. Amelia had come to the Survey Corps to dedicate her heart to humanity—there wasn't room for a child in their fight against the titans. She'd need to wait until after their next expedition to do it, but at least the choice had been made. A part of her relaxed at finally making the decision, but most of her still felt numb. Did any choice matter if Levi was no longer a part of her life?

"Dammit, pull yourself together," she muttered to herself, flipping off the water and wrapping herself in her towel. Despite the humidity, her eyes felt scratchy and dry. She'd been crying a lot lately.

For now, she'd just throw herself into her work like she always did when she didn't know what else to do. At least in Hange's lab she could focus on creating more double belt 3DMGs without Petra, Keiji, or Nifa trying to get her to talk about her feelings. Didn't they understand that that was the last thing she wanted to do right now?

As she walked back to her barracks, she froze at the sound of footsteps coming the opposite way up the hall. Of course it was him. It's not like the Scout Regiment had that many people in it, they hadn't managed to avoid each other for more than a few hours at a time. Levi stopped in his tracks when he turned the corner and saw her, his eyes moving up and down her still damp from. His brow furrowed in obvious irritation.

"Tch," he snorted derisively before brushing past her. Amelia felt tears spring to her eyes at his cold treatment, and she glared at his back.

"You're a real asshole, you know that?" she snarled at his retreating form. Pausing, he craned his neck to look at her over his shoulder.

"Only now figuring that out?" he deadpanned, looking away and continuing his walk. Amelia quickly went into her room and slammed the door behind her.

Levi flinched at the sound of the slamming door but didn't look back. His hands were clenched into tight fists at his side, and his teeth were set on edge. Seeing her standing there wrapped in a towel reminded her of the first day they'd met when Hange had dragged her into Erwin's office still half naked and dripping wet. She'd looked so innocent and vulnerable then. It pissed him off. Falling into his seat at the officer's table, he tried not to look at Hange. He knew the Squad leader was looking at him with calculating eyes, but he didn't have anything to say to them.

"Anything to drink," he asked, just for something to break the silence.

"Just coffee," they replied. "If you want tea you'll have to—"

"Fuck tea," he snapped. He didn't want to drink tea right now, it reminded him too much of her. Hange raised their eyebrows at this statement and slid a mug of coffee over to him. Picking it up, he took a large sip of the scalding liquid and winced. It was disgusting.

"Are you going to tell me what happened," Hange prodded.

"No," he said coolly, taking another sip of the bitter drink. "Why don't you ask her?"

"I did. She said the same thing," Hange replied.

"Well then why don't you keep your shitty glasses on your own damn business," he grumbled. Hange raised their hands in a gesture of surrender.

"Fine," they said. "But you're being an ass."

"So I've been told," he sighed, continuing his drink. The pair fell into silence for several long minutes. Long enough for him to regret snapping at Hange. He knew they were worried about him.

"It's just…" he started, and Hange looked up from a report they were filling out curiously. "She made her choice, and I made mine."

"Is it a choice you can live with," Hange asked, and Levi frowned at her.

"Yes."

"Is it a choice you can die with," they pressed, meeting his eyes with a piercing look of their own.

Levi felt his stomach clench uncomfortably. He looked away from Hange, his brow furrowed in frustration. That was the question, wasn't it? And he didn't know that he had an answer. He loved Amelia. He knew that. He loved her smile, her willpower, her stubbornness, and her ingenuity. But she'd crossed a very big line for him. It didn't matter so much that she'd lied to him. But she'd jeopardized humanity's greatest chance for survival—Erwin Smith. It was Erwin whom Levi had been putting his trust in for the past ten years. He was a commander and a friend, and Levi trusted him implicitly. Why hadn't she just fucking come clean about whatever she'd done? They never would have been in this position. He didn't have an answer for Hange. But, really, Amelia had made his choice for him.

Amelia sat up late in Hange's lab, doing some touchups on her own 3DMG. She had pulled it apart for maintenance, making sure that nothing was amiss and that the metal track in the belt was still smooth enough to glide easily when unlocked. She couldn't bring herself to think about Dr. Colman's flying machine right now. Given time, she knew she'd recover enough to start working on it, but for now the memory was too painful. It was, after all, what Levi had left her for.

It was late and she knew, she knew, it was stupid to be up breaking curfew the night before an expedition. But she just couldn't sleep. She kept dreaming of Levi—of his arms around her, of the small smile on his face, of the way he looked flying through the air—it was driving her crazy. Putting her head in her hands, Amelia closed her eyes, trying to swallow the lump in her throat. Placing a hand on her abdomen, she held back her tears. What good would more crying do her? She laid her head in the crook of her elbow, squeezing her eyes shut. She was so fucking tired.

Kenny Ackerman watched the slumbering girl from the shadows. He'd had to wait a long time for the bitch to finally drift off the sleep. But now her chest rose and fell in a rhythmic pattern, and though her face still looked drawn, most of the tension had left her body. Her dark hair was splayed out around her, face pale in the moonlight that shone through the open window he'd crept in from. His fingers twitched around his knife at the sight of the vulnerable girl. Her long pale neck was just asking to feel the touch of his blade.

Creeping closer, he fantasized about what it would be like to slit that pretty throat and watch the blood bubble up. To enjoy the panic in her eyes when she woke from the pain, only to find herself drowning in her own blood when she tried to scream for help. He found the idea goddamn arousing. But Kenny restrained himself. He was a professional now, and his employers had said to make it subtle. Make it so no one asks questions.

And Kenny knew how to do that. No one ever questioned the expected. And what was more expected than a Scout brat getting eaten by a titan? Kenny's smile split the night like a blade, as he looked down at her 3DMG. The girl had doomed herself the day she'd taken those notes from the library, it had just taken some time for fate to catch up to her—for him to catch up with her. He couldn't have asked the bitch to give him a better opportunity. She'd fallen asleep after inspecting her gear but before putting it together. Picking up the smooth belt, he took his knife, and carefully, quietly, made a deep notch along the inside track. Setting it back in the exact place he'd found it, he retreated to the window, disappearing back into the night.

When Amelia awoke to sunlight and the sound of people gathering outside, she gave a sudden start and leapt to her feet.

"Shit," she cursed.

She hadn't meant to fall asleep here and must have missed the call to arms. She was going to be late if she didn't get down to the stables. With practiced speed, she reassembled her 3DMG, strapping it on over her mussed uniform, grateful that she'd finished inspecting it the night before. Tearing out of the room, she braided her hair as she ran, pulling it into a tight bun at the base of her skull. She didn't have time for the more elaborate updo she usually sported. When she got outside, she saw that everyone else was beginning to line up in their formations. Skidding out to the stables, she readied Pikale, leaping into the saddle. Urging him forward, she trotted through the formation towards her team's section, not noticing until she was nearly level with him that she was riding past Levi.

Their eyes locked as she moved past, and she knew she must look terrible, because he looked visibly concerned when he saw her. She looked at him, defiantly, daring him to say something, but he just glanced away. Pressing her lips together, she'd already passed him when his voice stopped her.

"Oy, brat," he said neutrally, and she froze in her saddle. "Be safe out there."

Amelia's hands tightened on her reigns, and she glanced back at him out of the corner of her eye. He looked as tired as she felt—the bags under his eyes more pronounced than usual. Grateful for the lack of hostility, she gave him a small smile.

"You too, Captain," she replied, moving on to find her group.

Levi watched her back as she rode forward, he couldn't help it. She'd turned up at the last second looking like shit—her uniform wrinkled and hair a frizzy mess. Her eyes were red rimmed with dark circles beneath them to rival his own. He wondered if she'd slept at all, he knew he barely had. But more than anything, what stood out on her face was the expression of defeat. He'd never seen her look like that before. One of the things he loved about her was her headstrong spirit. Seeing no trace of it in her was disturbing. It filled him with fear and chipped away at his resolve.

'Is it a choice you can die with?'

Hange's question echoed forebodingly in his mind. And suddenly he wanted to go to her, to at least make amends for the way he'd been treating her the past few days. But just as the thought crossed his mind, the command to move was given, and the Corps began making its way towards Trost and the gate that would allow them past wall Rose. They'd just have to talk when they got back.

Amelia's heart raced as they spurred their horses out of the gate. Staring up at the darkness of the tunnel, she blinked when it was replaced by the vastness of a cloudy sky. She wondered, vaguely, if it was going to rain. It was the last thought she was able to have over the next few hours. She couldn't afford to let her attention wander from her surroundings in titan territory even when she was towards near the interior of the formation. Though Amelia could feel her near sleepless night taking its toll on her, she managed to remain alert for the first leg of the journey. Towards midday it began to drizzle, the cold rain soaking them and making the ride a miserable experience.

At noon, the scouts stopped at one of their supply points to stock up on gas for those who had depleted their supply, and break for a meal. Amelia slid to the ground beneath an awning to keep dry, letting her head fall back against the brick wall behind her. Her body felt weak from her lack of sleep—as well as her pregnancy. Hours of riding in the cold and damp had certainly taken their toll on her. Blinking, she was startled when a canteen was shoved in her face.

"Here," Levi said stoically, not looking down at her while he offered the container.

"Thanks," she said, taking it from him and taking several gulps of water. Wiping her lips with the back of her hand, she stared out at the scouts moving around the town. Anxiety was high as ever on these stops. It was a perfect time for titans to attack. So many humans gathered in one spot always had the potential to draw them there en masse.

"Did you want this back," she asked, offering it back to the man. He crossed his arms over his chest and leaned against the wall, continuing to avoid her gaze.

"Keep it. You look like you need it."

"You don't look much better yourself," she replied. It was true. He looked even more tired now than he had at the beginning of their journey. He didn't respond, but she didn't need him to. His presence right now was more than enough. She wasn't entirely sure whether to be glad he was here or pissed off about it, but out here in titan territory where any moment could be their last, she was willing to suspend her anger.

With a sigh, she pressed her hand against the wall, moving to get to her feet. She froze when he offered his hand to her. Glancing up at his impassive eyes, Amelia quirked a brow at this peace offering. He rolled his eyes at her, and she decided not to push her luck, taking his hand and allowing him to pull her to her feet.

"I should have heard you out," he said, not letting go of her hand. Amelia gaped at him for a moment, a sad smile crossing her exhausted face.

"I should have been honest from the start," she replied, and his gray eyes softened at this pronouncement. "Levi… I—"

"TITANS!" The cry went up from the perimeter, making the pair jump apart. Several black and red flares were shot from the perimeter of the town, and Amelia felt her heart sink into her stomach. How many were there? Levi's eyes scanned the horizon, taking in the flares in a moment. He was distracted when her hand slid out of his, and she turned to find her team.

"Amelia," he shouted after her, and she turned to him in time to process his lips crashing down on hers with bruising force. Her eyes fluttered shut, and for a moment nothing else existed apart from him and her and the press of their bodies against one another.

"See you soon," she breathed when they broke apart. She saw his jaw clench, and he nodded seriously. The pair took one last look at each other before racing off in opposite directions. Their feelings could wait. Now was a time to fight.