Author's note: I wanted to pop in and say thank you for all the reviews, and welcome to the new readers. Thanks for sharing this with me. I also wanted to let you know that Edward's message in Bella's yearbook wasn't his own writing, it was Ralph Waldo Emerson's. Either way, I think it's good advice. ~ Beth
Bella always slept poorly and dreamed vividly after she'd been drinking. After she read Edward's message in her yearbook, she managed a wobbly trip downstairs for a glass of water and, more importantly, to put the damned book out of sight, before crawling into bed and killing the light.
I'm going to dream about him, she thought as her head swam and the shadows in her mind deepened. I don't want to dream about him, not tonight…
It wasn't Edward, though, that she saw in her mind as she drifted off. It was Charlie.
She's walking through a field, moving fast, but he's faster. The grass, brittle and yellow, is up to her knees. The ground is uneven, and it slows her down. The sun is high, and the wind is hot. Bella's muscles burn; her bones ache.
"Keep up, short stack," Charlie calls back over his shoulder. He's carrying his tackle box and two fishing poles.
Bella's trying, but she's so tired. They've been walking for such a long time, hours, maybe days.
"Are we almost there?" she calls out, panting and stumbling.
"Not long now," he says. "Can you hear the stream? I think I can hear it."
"I can't hear it, dad."
"It's gonna be beautiful, Bells. The water is so sweet and clear, and the fish practically jump out and say hello."
She wanted to believe him.
"I'm thirsty, dad. And hungry. I'm so hungry." Her insides twisted with emptiness. Her mouth was paper.
Bella stumbled and fell to one knee, breathing hard. Charlie stopped walking. He went back to her and hunched down to look her in the eye.
"I know it's hard, baby," he said, his voice tender. The skin around his blue eyes crinkled. "I can see you. I know that you're hurting. I wish I could help, that I could get you there faster. But, Bella, I will tell you what – once you see this place, once you taste this water, eat this food, you'll hardly be able to remember a time when you belly wasn't full, when your thirst wasn't quenched."
"Charlie… Dad… I just don't think I can." She began to cry. It embarrassed her, but she couldn't stop.
"Now, then," Charlie said gruffly. He pulled her against his chest, hugged her hard. Bella could smell him, leather and smoke. "Aren't you my strong girl?"
"I'm her seat filler," she said against his shoulder.
"Try that one on someone else," he said. "I know better. I know you. You're tough, and you're smart, and you're brave. You're the girl who figured everything out. And that's why we're going to make it to the stream just fine." He pulled back, patted her shoulder. "You'll be so happy there, Bella. It's so green, and there are these flowers everywhere, purple and blue, like something out of a story, or a song."
"I'll try, dad," Bella said, sniffling and getting to her feet. "But, you really should have brought a map. It's good to have a plan, you know."
Charlie laughed, a rich, round sound that tore at Bella's heart.
"Of course you think so. You're always the little planner. I wonder where you got that. It certainly wasn't from me, or your mom." He bent and picked a flower, a lily, pure white. Bella looked around and was surprised to see that there were more in the field. They were all around them. "' Consider the lilies…'" Charlie quoted, holding the flower out to her. "'They toil not, they spin not; and yet I say unto you, that Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.'"
Bella stared at the lily Charlie held. It was perfect; it could have been made of porcelain. The sunlight touched it and reflected off the petals like tiny diamonds. She reached out to touch the flower, but stopped, suddenly afraid.
"They are beautiful," she said. "But, Charlie… What do they eat?"
Bella dragged herself out of bed at nine and forced herself to take a hot shower. She couldn't remember the last time she'd had a hangover like this. Years. It had been years, maybe not since college.
The creaking of the pipes and the pounding of the water against the tub's porcelain were magnified in her ears, sending needles of pain over her scalp and behind her eyes. The sunlight, even diffused by a cloudy sky, was blinding. The tremors in her belly came in shuddering waves. She struggled to keep down last night's meatloaf.
Never again. I am never drinking again.
She dressed with miserable slowness, pulling on a soft t-shirt and sweats. She couldn't bring herself to care whether the guys from the rez thought she looked like shit. She felt like shit, certainly not up to impressing anyone.
She started to make coffee, but the moment the smell of the grounds hit her, she knew that idea was a no-go. Tea seemed like a better choice. She started the kettle and, in a moment of optimism, put a piece of bread in the toaster. A few minutes later, she sat with her tea and toast, sipping and nibbling, begging her body to be merciful just this once.
I'll do yoga, she thought, swallowing the dry toast with her eyes squeezed shut. I'll buy organic kale and meditate and switch to decaf, I swear. Just let me off easy with this one, okay?
The guys from the reservation were agonizingly prompt. They knocked on Charlie's door at a quarter to ten. Bella opened it and was surprised to find that, along with Jackson and Quil, Malina had showed up.
"Oh, hi there," Bella said, clearing her throat against the muddy sound in her voice. "Come on in."
The guys were dressed in faded jeans, flannel shirts, and work boots. Malina was wearing jeans and a sweater and holding a casserole dish. She and Jackson wore heavy coats, but Quil didn't have one.
"You know," Bella said. "If you guys want to keep this wolf thing a big secret, you might remember to dress the way ordinary humans do in this weather."
Quil turned red and started to stammer. Malina laughed.
"Good luck with that," she said to Bella. "Leah is terrible about it. Werewolves run so hot all the time. They hate heavy clothes."
"Good to know," Bella said.
"Here, Sue sends her love, in tuna-and-noodle form, naturally." Malina handed her the dish. Bella's stomach flipped over, and she had to fight to hold onto her smile.
"Great, thanks," Bella said, and hustled the dish into the refrigerator.
"Um, I thought we weren't supposed to talk about the wolf stuff here?" Jackson said, glancing at Bella suspiciously.
Bella rolled her eyes at him. She'd met him before but didn't know him well.
"Don't worry," Bella said. "I'm not the hysterical female they warned you about. I'll keep the tribe's secrets."
"Of course you will," Malina said. "Guys, relax. Is there really a single wolf in the tribe that you wouldn't be able to pick out by sight?"
"I guess not," Quil said. He looked around, shifted on his feet. "So, uh, where should we get started?"
"I need the brush out back cut down, so the land is clear to the property line," Bella said. "And the trees out back, the low-hanging branches need to be trimmed off. The gutters, too – they need to be cleaned out, and we'll have to replace any damaged parts. Oh, and the attic. I need everything brought down from there to the living room so I can go through it."
"Easy enough," Quil said. He turned to Jackson. "How do you want to do this?"
"Well, how about the guy that actually gets cold works on the attic while you start on the yard?" Jackson said. "When I'm done, I'll come out and help you with the gutters."
"Sounds good," Bella said. "Okay if I write you guys checks today?"
"Sure," Quil said. "'Preciate it."
The guys split up then; Jackson headed toward where Bella directed him to the attic access, and Quil went out the back door. Both of them seemed relieved to go.
"They're uncomfortable," Bella said, sighing. "I get the feeling that this is never not going to be weird, me and the tribe."
"They feel guilty," Malina said. "They feel bad for you, and for Jacob, too. And, honestly, they're way out of their depth emotionally. This is a big, grown-up set of circumstances you're coming from, and these guys have barely had steady girlfriends."
"Quil hasn't imprinted?"
"Nope, not yet," Malina said. "And I think he's just fine with that, at least for now."
"Well, sure. It must be scary as hell," Bella said. "Hey, do you want some coffee?" Politeness won out over her upset stomach.
"Sounds great." Malina said, sitting down at the kitchen table. "Honestly, I think a lot of them are just worried the imprint is going to turn them gay."
Bella laughed.
"Well, I'll be honest," she said. "I had no idea Leah liked girls before I met you."
"What's not to like?" Malina said. "No, but really, Leah had some attraction to women before the imprint. She leaned more toward men in general, and Sam in particular, but this didn't come completely out of left field for her."
"What about for you?" Bella asked as she scooped coffee into the filter. "Were you gay before Leah?"
"Do you think I would be with her now if I wasn't?" Malina said, raising an eyebrow. "This imprint thing only goes one way. She got hit by cosmic love rays, not me. She had to win me over just like anyone else would."
"Wow," Bella said. "That's kind of intense. I mean, what would happen if it didn't go both ways? Has that happened?"
"Not to us, not yet, but, between you and me, I think it's just a matter of time."
"You'd think that the magic would take care of that somehow. Like, it would only have you imprint on the person that was perfect for you."
"Oh, it does that, for sure," Malina said, nodding. "But since when does two people being perfect for each other mean that they're going to get together, or work out in the long run once they do? Imprinted wolves make pretty amazing partners. They're attentive, selfless. You never have to wonder how they feel about you, or if they're going to be there for you. But they're still people. They're not perfect, and neither are their partners. Things can still go wrong."
The smell of brewing coffee filled the kitchen. Bella tried not to breathe through her nose.
"Can I ask you what that was like? Having someone imprint on you?" Bella said, looking down at her hands. "It's okay if you don't want to tell me."
"No, it's fine," Malina said. "I don't mind at all. Honestly, Bella, it was so bizarre it's hard to even describe it. You have to realize, not everyone in the tribe knows about the wolves. I didn't know. So this girl, who I'd always thought was straight, is suddenly, instantly in love with me... It was so strange, and not exactly in a good way." Malina laughed as she remembered. "Leah tried to play it casual at first, like it was a normal thing. See, she didn't want to spring it all on me at once. The wolf, the imprint… I mean, how do you tell someone that?"
"How did she do it?"
"Really badly at first. An imprinted wolf faking casual romantic interest is not very convincing. All that intensity was just under the surface all the time. One minute she'd be sweet, charming, and then I'd see this burst of… I don't know, just plain need, I guess. I'd see that in her eyes, and then she'd withdraw like she was terrified of me or something. No explanation. I thought she was erratic, unbalanced. I was about to tell her to leave me alone – and she would have, Bella, she really would have – when Sue stepped in. She told me everything. About the wolves, how they imprint… She was so afraid that Leah was going to have her heart broken again."
"And that worked?" Bella asked, frowning. "I don't know, it seems like that would just scare me more."
"It did, at first," Malina said. "But Leah gave me space, and once I knew what was going on, it was easier to get to know her. She didn't seem like such a psycho anymore, even if I was still pretty overwhelmed. It still took me a long time to get brave enough to try with her, like, for real."
"And then?"
Malina shrugged. "What can I say? I fell in love. Like, crazy in love. Those cosmic love rays, they must know what they're doing, because once I opened that door with her, I just couldn't not be with her anymore. It would pull at something inside me, being gone from her. Even though I didn't have the magic working with me, I ended up just as sure of this as she is. Or maybe I do have some magic of my own, something that was waiting, that she woke up by loving me. I don't know. But I know that it's good."
Bella got up and poured the other woman's coffee. She brought it back to the table and set it down. She sat down across from Malina and watched her speculatively for a moment. Malina had been so candid with her today. She wondered…
"So, there are the wolves, and the blood drinkers. Are there other magic people in the world?"
Malina quirked a smile at her. "Wondering how deep this rabbit hole goes, are you, Bella?"
"Something like that," Bella said.
"No, not as far as I know. Those are the only two kinds of not-exactly-human people that I know of."
Bella felt her heart sink.
"The… them," Bella said. "Do they look like regular people?"
"Well, I don't think so," Malina said. "But, if you didn't know already, yeah. You'd probably mistake them for human beings. And that would be a very big mistake."
"Because they kill people."
"They have to," Malina said. "We're food for them. It isn't personal."
"All of them do this?" Bella said, wincing at the desperation she heard in her own voice.
Malina narrowed her eyes.
"Bella, why do you want to know all this? Do I need to be worried about you?"
"No, no," Bella said quickly, picking up her tea, now cold, and drinking. "Never mind. I just… I'm so tired of hidden things, Malina. I'm so tired of feeling lost this way."
Malina's expression softened. She glanced nervously out the window.
"Bella, I can tell you what I've been told, but that doesn't mean it's what I believe, or what most of the tribe believes, for that matter."
"I understand," Bella said, her heart beating faster.
"There's a coven of them in Forks. They've been here for years. Don't ask me their names, because I won't tell you. Anyway, supposedly, this group doesn't feed on humans. They kill animals instead when they need to feed. That's why the tribe leaves them alone, why we agreed to it all those years ago. We're not allowed to expose them, and they're not allowed to come onto our land or spill human blood."
"And they've kept their word?"
"No one can prove they haven't," Malina said. "But, geez, Bella. You would have to know what blood thirst is like for them. It's not just unusual for these creatures to abstain from human blood – it's practically unheard of. They could be hunting too far away for us to hear of it, or they could be covering the killings up. Or maybe they're doing as they said, for now. But that doesn't mean they won't turn around and start killing tomorrow. They're so dangerous, even for the wolves. I hate that we let them stay so close."
Bella nodded. "Thank you, for telling me all that. I swear, it won't go past me."
"I believe that," Malina said. "I get why Jacob trusts you."
Bella's smile was sad.
The sound of a clearing throat came from the doorway. Bella turned and saw Jackson standing there, his clothes covered in dust.
"I got the boxes and stuff down. They're in the living room."
"Great, thanks," Bella said, getting up. To her relief, she found that her hangover had loosened its grip on her a bit.
She walked to the living room and found over a dozen large cardboard boxes, closed with packing tape and labeled in black marker. A few had her name on them. Others had labels of "HOUSEHOLD," "POLICE BENEFIT," and the always helpful "MISC."
Bella stood with her hands on her hips, frowning as she surveyed all the work ahead of her.
"Damn," she murmured.
"Looks like you're gonna be busy," Malina said from behind her.
"Yeah. Stupid me, I thought I was just about done with Charlie's things. This'll take me another week, easy."
"I can help if you want, or even just keep you company," Malina said. "I just got a job teaching at the school on the rez, but it doesn't start until January."
"Thanks, but this is on me," Bella said. She wandered around the living room, checking the labels. "Hey, Jackson, these ones with my name on them – Do you mind just taking them out to my car and loading them in the back? These can wait until I'm back in Seattle." As long as Jackson was over here, she might as well save herself some heavy lifting later.
"Yeah, sure," he said, and grabbed a box and headed for the front door.
"So, you're going soon?" Malina asked.
"Yeah," Bella said. "Next week. Whatever's not done by then, I don't know. The buyers will have to deal with it. I just need to go, get somewhere that isn't Forks. Maybe find out if I still have a job waiting for me."
Bella turned to go back to the kitchen, but stopped. She bent over one of the "BELLA" boxes. Unlike the other boxes, it wasn't taped shut. She looked closer, and saw the tape had been slit open, possibly with a knife, or maybe a fingernail.
Why did I just think that? Bella wondered, Of course it was a knife. But she was unable to shake the image of that fingernail, razor sharp and hard as steel, slicing an exact line down the length of the tape.
"Hey, Jackson," she called. The man stopped just short of the door.
"Yeah, Bella?"
"In the attic… Did anything look like it had been disturbed? Like someone had been up there?"
He looked at her in confusion.
"Like an animal or something?"
"Like, a person," Bella said.
"Well, there was a lot of dust up there, and some loose insulation. There were some footprints in it. Too small for Charlie. Figured it was you."
She nodded.
"Your family is never far," she said quietly.
"What was that?" Malina asked.
"Nothing."
When the guys had finished and left with Malina, Bella sat down in the kitchen. She was still for a few minutes, thinking.
They're not going to stop. It's been ten years. Whatever they want from me, they want it enough to keep showing up. At my school. At that party. At David's hospital, Charlie's funeral. In my own bathroom, my front yard, my attic.
Her hands, which had been lying still on the surface of the table curled into tight fists. She took a deep breath and forced them to relax.
She picked up her phone and made a call. It was Jasper's number, but Alice answered, surprising Bella not at all.
"Bella, hello," Alice said, a tremor of excitement in her voice.
"Hello, Alice."
"You're ready," Alice said. It wasn't a question.
"I am."
"I'm so glad, Bella. So glad. Do you want to talk now? It would be better face to face. Can you come here? Or I can come to you—"
"I'll come to you, but I have some conditions," Bella said.
"Um, okay," Alice said, sounding confused.
"The first thing you need to know is that, if I disappear, my people will kill your entire family. They've done it before. You know they can do it again. I've made arrangements to ensure that they'll know where I went and who to blame if I don't return."
"Oh, Bella," Alice said. "We're not your enemy."
"And I'm not an idiot," Bella said, her voice rising. "I must seem so weak to you, like a pet or something. I know you can kill me, and I can't stop you. But you'll pay for it if you do. Do you understand that? Do you believe me, Alice?"
Alice was quiet for a long moment before she answered.
"Yes, Bella. I believe you."
"Okay, good," Bella said. She drew a deep breath, steadying herself. "The next thing: This meeting doesn't happen unless Edward is there. I'm tired of talking around him, of guessing about his part in this. If all of this is about him, then he can show his face and tell me himself."
Another long pause.
"I'll tell him, Bella. He… I might need a little time."
"Not too long," Bella said. "Or, I swear, I might just lose my nerve. I really might. And then you'll have to just go back to stalking me, because I won't speak with any of you again."
"Not too long," Alice said quickly. "I'll do my best."
"Okay," Bella said.
"There's something else, isn't there?"
"There is," Bella said. "You said before that your family doesn't lie to each other."
"We don't," Alice said. "We can't."
"I need your word and Edward's word that you aren't going to lie to me, either. If you aren't my enemy, then you'll give me the truth, all of it. If you can't do that, then I want nothing more to do with any of you."
"Some of it may be hard to hear, Bella," Alice said hesitantly. "We never wanted to put all this on you at once."
"Stop that!" Bella shouted. Her fist slammed down on the table in front of her. "Stop trying to handle me! My life lately has been fucking awful, and there is nothing, nothing you can tell me or do to me that is as bad as what I have lived through in the last year. So stop treating me like, like a child or, or a puppet, and come to terms with the fact that you and your creepy little family have nothing on the hell I have known. Do. You. Understand. Me."
There was a long moment of silence on the line. The next sound Bella heard was Alice's delighted laughter.
"Oh, Bella!" she chirped. "What a wonderful surprise you are. And so little surprises me."
"Alice…" Bella said, a warning in her voice.
"Yes, yes, we understand," Alice said. "And I'll make sure Edward knows. The truth – all of it. Just remember later, that's what you said you wanted."
"Text me when you're ready, and I'll be there," Bella said, and ended the call. She put the phone down on the table and sat still, waiting for her hands to stop shaking. When they were steady enough to hold a pen, she took out a notepad and started writing.
Jacob,
Today is Friday, October 25th. I'm going to see the Cullens at their house. I know what they are. I don't think they'll hurt me, but just in case I'm wrong, I thought you should know. If I don't come back, then you'll know that they broke the treaty, and what you need to do about it.
She paused, then added –
For whatever it's worth, I do forgive you. And, if you're reading this and I've gotten myself killed, I hope you can forgive me for that.
- Bella
P. S. Don't stop saying his name. Not ever.
She got up and opened one of the kitchen drawers. Charlie had always kept his checkbook, stamps, and envelopes in there, along with a lot of random clutter. She fished out an envelope, folded the note she'd written, and sealed it inside. She wrote Jacob's name on the envelope. After that she took a plastic Ziploc bag from another drawer and sealed the envelope inside. Then she grabbed her coat and keys and went out to the car.
It was late afternoon when Bella arrived at David's monument. She found a fist-sized rock on the ground and carried it with her to the pillar.
"Keep this safe for mommy, okay?" she said, crouching down before the standing stone.
She put the bag with the envelope on the ground at the base of the pillar and set the rock on top to weight it down.
Her task complete, she sat on the ground beside the envelope, her back leaning against David's pillar.
I should go eat, she thought. Her stomach was feeling calmer, and she realized she was starving. Instead of getting up, though, she closed her eyes.
If they kill me tonight, then I'll be with him again. I mean, if there is an "again."
Bella had no real faith in an afterlife and rarely allowed herself to fantasize about the possibility. Now, though, she indulged. She pictured a place full of soft, white light. All of the little aches and pains she had from the work she'd been doing on Charlie's house would be gone. She wouldn't be hungry the way she was now, or cold. She imagined the lovely little weight of her baby resting in her arms. She could almost breathe in the sweet smell of him, feel his soft skin, his silky hair, against her lips as she imagined gathering him close, kissing his head.
A tear traveled slowly down her cheek as she sat beneath the gray sky and waited.
I can feel him now. I really think I can.
An hour passed before her phone buzzed in her pocket. She drew a deep breath before she took it out and read the message.
"Edward will be here in one hour. He's agreed to your terms. Don't worry about dinner – Esme is cooking for you now."
Bella got to her feet. She looked down at the writing on the stone, then at the envelope on the ground.
"See you soon, baby. One way or another."