A/N: Ever have a story that won't let you sleep? Ever have one of those while you're trying to meet another writing deadline? So, yeah. Same as before. Updates slow this month, unless, of course, my story keeps chasing me through my dreams. And, as always, thank you for reading, and double thank you for reviewing. ~ Beth
"Oh god. Oh my god."
"Go, Lina! Forks Community. We've got to go now!"
The voices swam around Bella, intrusive and unimportant. The sound of the car door closing behind Leah had awakened her, but, even now, with her eyes open, it seemed that there was a great distance between Bella and the others in the car. The street lights and road signs outside the window seemed to be on another planet.
Bella was stretched out on the backseat of a car, her head cradled in Leah's lap. She'd heard Malina's voice, but couldn't see her.
"Hey, Bella, hey. Stay awake now, okay? We're going to the hospital. It'll just be a few minutes. Don't close your eyes, okay? Don't- Fuck! Drive faster, Lina! We have to get her there now!"
"I'm trying, Leah. You know how much my car sucks." The engine struggled and whined as it revved high.
"Bella? Bella! Come on, just stay awake for me."
Doesn't she know this isn't really me? Bella thought. The car jostled her, and it hurt her head. It hurt everything. But, still, it seemed that all those painful parts belonged to someone else. She was just watching, just listening, just along for the ride. Leah pleaded with her. Her eyes closed.
There was time, shapeless and tiny and vast, and then a pull, harder than the little bumps and shifts she'd felt so far in the moving car. The car came to a stop, the door opened, and freezing air rushed in.
"Oh, merciful Savior. What's happened here?"
"Carlisle?" She opened her eyes, and he was there, his expression stricken. He saw her looking at him and relaxed his face into something almost pleasant, almost unworried.
"It's alright, Bella. We're going to take care of you now. Can you get her legs, uh-"
"Leah," Leah said stiffly. "Yes, I have her. Just get the gurney a little closer."
A dizzying shift, and then the hard mattress of the gurney was beneath her. Carlisle was holding her eyes open with his fingers, flashing a light into them one at a time. Leah hovered over his shoulder. Bella recognized the building behind them; it was Forks Community Hospital. They were stopped outside the emergency department doors.
"Did she lose consciousness?" he asked brusquely.
"Uh, I'm not sure. I wasn't there. I think so, yeah."
His hands moved over Bella quickly. She cried out when he touched her right arm, and Carlisle cursed softly.
"How many ripped-up girls are you pups going to bring me to put back together?" he murmured.
Leah's eyes dilated with rage.
"Shall yours and mine compare body counts, blood drinker?" she asked, drawing herself up.
Carlisle looked at her sharply, and something awful flashed in his eyes.
He forced a deep breath, calming himself.
"Perhaps another time. Just tell me what happened. Who did this, and why?"
Leah didn't answer.
"I need to know," he said, carefully pronouncing each word. "Right now, at this very moment, there are five strong vampires holding my son back from running first to Bella, and then to deal with the creature that harmed her. They will not be able to hold him long. I know that the wolves hold Bella Swan dear, and I don't want war, Leah. Unless you do, you need to tell me now that this was not deliberate."
"Of course it wasn't deliberate!" Leah hissed. "Jacob thought you were killing her. He was phasing so he could try to save her. From you. She got too close, and this happened. Jacob is in agony."
Carlisle's face didn't change, but he let out a breath.
"Alright. I'll make sure Edward knows it. When he's sane again, it might even make a difference to him. Still, it would be a very good idea for the wolves to stay away from the hospital."
"Why? Who is Bella to him?"
"She is his mate."
Leah looked at Carlisle, horrified, then incensed. Her hands tightened on the rail of the gurney, as if she'd pull it back from him. He looked at her squarely, narrowing his eyes.
"That's a very bad idea, young one," he said.
She hesitated, but let go of the gurney.
"I won't let her die," he said, more gently. Leah looked away, but nodded.
He started moving with the gurney toward the hospital doors.
Leah called after them, "I'll see you soon, Bella. We love you, and we'll see you soon!"
Bella couldn't see her anymore, but she heard a car door close after a moment.
"Carlisle," Bella said with as much voice she could manage. She grabbed with her good hand, catching a handful of his jacket sleeve.
"I'm here, child." he said. His eyes met hers.
"I'm not ready."
"I know," he said. "I know that you're not." They were through the doors now. Bella heard excited voices, rapid footsteps slapping against linoleum. Carlisle leaned close to her, spoke in her ear. "I'm going to keep you alive if I can, but if I can't... We've waited too long for you, Bella. We need you. Do you understand that? Could you forgive me for it?"
The nurse was there then, breathing hard from her run to meet them. She was petite with a serious face and short hair colored a purplish shade of red. She grabbed the other side of the gurney and pulled it along with him toward a curtained section of the room. Carlisle straightened up as he spoke to her.
"Twenty-five-year-old white female. Attacked by an unknown animal, possibly a big cat. Lacerations to right arm, shoulder, anterior chest, left lower quadrant abdomen, left hip. LOC at scene, possible head injury."
"Hey, sweetie, hey, what's your name?" The red-haired nurse asked as she rushed around the bed and wrapped a blood pressure cuff around Bella's good arm. There were more people close now. Bella couldn't see them, but she heard their voices, felt their hands as they cut away her ruined clothes, attached probes and monitors to her, covered her face with an oxygen mask.
"She's Isabella Swan," Carlisle said.
"The chief's daughter?" she said, surprised. "This happen out at La Push?"
"Yes. She's going to need blood, two units at least. Call down now."
"We'll need a type and cross," the nurse said.
Carlisle's nose flared the slightest bit. "She's a-neg," he said.
"How do you-"
"She's a family friend," he said. "Go, call the blood bank, and the OR, too. We're going to need a room."
"I don't know any of my friends' blood types," the nurse said under her breath as she jogged toward the phone.
"Let's get some access, shall we?" Carlisle called out, looking at the bedside monitor screen.
"Got it," a female voice said, just as Bella felt a sharp stab in her left arm.
"Good. Fluids, D5 half, wide open, right now." He leaned close to Bella's face. "Bella, can you look at me? Good. Can you tell me if you have any allergies?"
"No," she said, shaking. It was so cold.
Another nurse appeared, pulling a tray full of medical supplies. She opened several packages of bandages, gauze, and tape and moved them within Carlisle's reach. He pressed a thick pad of gauze against Bella's upper arm and started wrapping it in place with a long bandage. Bella moaned and made a feeble effort to pull the arm back from him.
"I know that hurts, Bella," Carlisle said, holding her arm still as he dressed it. "I'll give you something to help with that just as soon as we get your pressure back up."
"Artery?" the red-headed nurse murmured as she returned to the bedside.
"Yes," he said. "And I think something's going on with her abdomen. Spleen, maybe liver. Are they ready?"
"They'll take her in OR three. Can I call someone for her? Family?"
Carlisle hesistated.
"No," he said. "It's... being taking care of." He glanced up at the monitor again. "We need to get her into surgery. Let's get moving."
There were more hands, more voices. A nurse covered her nakedness with a sheet, and then a blanket, just as the curtain opened and the bed started moving again.
"Carlisle?" Bella whimpered.
"You need surgery," he said as they rushed down the hall. "There's an artery damaged in your arm, and I think you're bleeding internally as well. We need to see what's wrong and repair it." The tiles on the wall flashed by with amazing speed, green and blue and white, over and over again. The nurses panted as they struggled to keep up with him. "We're taking you now. We're going to fix you." He shouted back over his shoulder, not slowing. "Did the blood come up yet? Can someone check on that, right now, please?"
His voice went on, echoing and indistinct. Her head ached, and her arm had gone numb. She turned her head and watched the tiles as they flashed by, greenbluewhitegreenbluewhitegreenblue...
Bella was aware first of a weight on her belly, pressing down hard. It was crushing her, grinding her bones against the earth beneath her. She tried to roll away from it, but found she couldn't move.
"Shhhh, Bella. Shhhh..." the voice said, musical and familiar. Bella opened her eyes and saw Alice Cullen crouched on top of her belly, squatting back on her heels, her slippered feet pressing cruelly into the soft tissue just above Bella's left hip. Alice was dressed in the green-and-mud-colored costume she'd worn in the high school production of A Midsummer Night's Dream. Alice's hair was styled in wild tufts and adorned with glossy leaves and birch twigs. Her eyelids were painted shimmering green; her pupils blazed gold. She leaned close to Bella's face and whispered, "Now the hungry lion roars; And the wolf behowls the moon. Bella, do you want to feel your baby?"
"What?"
"Your baby," the voice repeated, except now it belonged to Dr. Molloy, the tall woman with the blonde bun who had been on call that day when-
"Your baby is coming, Bella. If you reach down, you can feel him."
Bella looked and saw that the room was full of people, all wearing green scrubs, all watching her expectantly. Alice was nowhere to be seen.
"He's right there," Dr. Molloy said again from where she stood at the foot of the bed. "Don't you want to touch him?"
Bella tried to reach down, but her arm wouldn't move.
"I can't," she said, beginning to cry.
"Shame," the doctor said, and reached forward. She lifted a still pink body from between Bella's legs and handed it to a waiting man beside her. He wore scrubs; a surgical mask hid his face.
"Wait," Bella said. "I didn't see him. Wait!"
The man walked toward the door of the hospital room without looking back. Bella struggled and cried out after him, but her arm wouldn't move, and that weight low on her belly was back, holding her in the bed. She couldn't move, and he was taking her baby away-
"-Isabella? Isabella? There you are. Starting to wake up a little?"
Bella opened her eyes. A tall woman in green scrubs stood beside her bed. She gave Bella's hand a quick squeeze, then stepped away and started typing at a computer mounted on a rolling cart a few feet away.
"Can you tell me what your pain is right now? On a scale of one to ten?"
"Is he alive?" Bella asked and started to sob. "I didn't see him. I didn't see him. They wouldn't wait."
The nurse hurried back to the bedside.
"Shhh, it's okay sweetheart. It's the medicine, that's why you feel this way. You were hurt, and you needed surgery to fix it, but you're okay. You're going to be okay."
"Where is he? Where is he? Is he dead? Is he dead?" She began to cry louder - an awful, keening wail.
"No one's dead, Isabella. You're in the hospital-"
From somewhere beyond the room came several loud thumps, followed by distressed voices. A second later, the double doors at the far side of the recovery room flew open and Edward strode toward Bella's bed. His hair was a mess, and his shirt was torn in several places.
"Sir, may I help you? This is a restricted area." Bella's nurse stepped between her patient and the approaching man. He regarded the nurse with cold eyes, and started to move toward her. She took a step backward, shielding Bella from him.
Carlisle rushed in, little more than a blur of skin and clothes. He stood at Edward's side and laid a hand on his shoulder. He spoke to the nurse, but kept his eyes on Edward.
"Grace, please step aside. He won't hurt her. Just let him see that she's okay."
The nurse hesitated, then slowly stepped back.
Edward approached the bed. He bent over Bella's weeping form and carefully cupped her face in his hands. Bella looked up at him in confusion as he stared at her. Knowledge and disbelief warred in his eyes. Finally, he nodded and swallowed hard. His eyes didn't leave her face.
"He's dead, isn't he?" Bella said in a small voice.
"Yes, my love, he is. I am so sorry."
Her face crumpled, and she reach for Edward with her left arm as she wept. He bent lower and wrapped his arms around her, carefully avoiding her injured arm.
"It's not fair," she cried against his neck. "It's not fair."
The nurse looked at Carlisle helplessly.
"Son," Carlisle said. "She's going to live. You've seen that now. You can be with her when she gets down to her room. You need to leave now so that we can take care of her."
"That is not going to happen," he said, his voice low and dangerous. "I'm not leaving."
The nurse moved toward the wall phone. She mouthed to Carlisle, Security? He shook his head.
"Edward, if I let you stay, will you give Grace room to take care of Bella? She lost a great deal of blood. She needs to be monitored, and she may need medication for her pain. Are you in pain now, Bella?"
The words took immediate effect. Edward gently pulled back from Bella, smoothing her hair as he laid her back on the pillow. He took a step back from her, but kept her hand in his.
"I'm not leaving," Edward said again, this time to Bella. She gripped his hand in hers and nodded.
Grace looked at him warily as she moved to the bedside again, but he made no move to stop her.
"How's your pain, Bella? If zero is no pain, and ten is the worst pain, what number are you now?"
Bella closed her eyes tightly. "Seven," she said, her voice clearer.
Grace went to her computer, tapped something in, and took a syringe from a drawer. She returned to the bedside and injected the medication into the tubing running into a bandaged spot on Bella's neck. Edward watched her every movement.
Almost as soon as Grace was finished injecting the drug, Bella felt a spreading warmth and heaviness come over her. Edward watched her face intently.
"Better, Bella?" he asked.
"Mmm-hmm. Don't leave."
"I won't."
She closed her eyes.
The narcotic made Bella doze and dream for another hour. It wasn't until the nurse, Grace, and an orderly transported her, bed and all, to a different hospital room that she felt the fog begin to clear. Another smiling nurse was waiting in the new room when Bella's bed rolled in. Behind her, arranged along the window sill were several large floral arrangements. The sun was rising, but the sky outside the window was gray.
"And one, two, THREE."
The nurse and orderly shifted Bella from the gurney to the hospital bed. Grace and the new nurse moved around the bed, plugging in monitors and cuffs, and tucking pillows around Bella. She half-listened as Grace described her condition to the new nurse. She didn't understand most of what they said. Edward stayed as close as he could while still giving the nurses access to Bella.
When Grace had finished giving her report, she left the room with an obvious expression of relief.
"Hi, I'm Lauren," the new nurse said. She wrote her name in big, bubbly letters on a whiteboard on the closet door. "I'll be your nurse until seven tonight, and I'll be back again to see you tomorrow. I'm going to be back in a few minutes with your medications, but I can I get you anything first?"
"Why can't I move my arm?" Bella asked. Lauren's smile faltered.
"The doctor is going to come around soon. He'll explain everything then."
Edward frowned at her and took out his cell phone. He dialed quickly.
"She's awake," he said into the phone. "Alright, good." He turned to Bella. "Carlisle's coming now," he said as he put the phone away.
"Well, great!" the nurse said brightly, and left the room.
Edward pulled a chair close to Bella's bed. He held her hand and stroked her hair.
"Are you in pain?"
"Not too bad," she said. "I don't want the medicine to knock me out before I talk to Carlisle."
Edward's expression darkened.
"Bella, I am so sorry. We should never have sent you back there alone."
"You couldn't have known, Edward," she said. "It was my fault. I knew he was about to change. I should have waited. I didn't think."
His grip on her hand tightened fractionally.
"Jacob Black," he said, almost to himself.
"It was an accident, Edward," she said. "He'd warned me before that it was one of the dangers of being around the wolves. It's part of why he left. He must feel awful right now."
Edward looked away and didn't answer her.
There was a light knock on the door.
"Come in," Bella said. She was relieved to see Carlisle come in, holding a medical chart.
"You're looking better," he said. He pulled a stool close to the bed and sat down. He was relaxed and smiling, and it struck her how far away he was now from the person he had been in the emergency department the night before.
"Thanks," she said.
He looked pointedly at Edward.
"I'm not thirsty," Edward said. Carlisle raised an eyebrow, and Edward sighed. "Okay, yes, but I can manage a while longer."
"Not too much longer, Edward," Carlisle said. He turned to Bella. "I'm sure you're wondering what's going on with you, yes?"
"Yes, very much."
"Do you remember what happened?"
"Yes," she said. "Jacob-"
She felt it again, that little involutary squeeze Edward gave her hand as he struggled for control.
"Yes, yes," Carlisle said quickly, glancing at his son's face. "Well, you have multiple cuts on your right arm and across that shoulder and that side of your chest. Your brachial artery was nicked, and we fixed that in surgery. We sutured those cuts, too. You have some more cuts over on your left hip and on your belly. We sewed those up, too. We took our time, tried to do what we could to keep the scarring minimal, but you will have some scars."
"Oh," she said. "Well, that's okay." She forced a smile. "I guess I won't be a bikini model after all, then. But hey, I'm alive, right?"
"Yes," he said. "And in that, you are fortunate. If the artery in your arm had been cut just a little more, there's no way you would have made it back to the hospital with your heart still beating. You would have been beyond even my help if that had happened."
She swallowed hard and nodded. She felt Edward's hand trembling in hers, and she looked back at him. His gaze was unfocused, far away.
"Edward," she said. "It's okay. I'm okay, see?"
"I do have more to tell you," Carlisle said. "You were hurt in the impact, when you were thrown to the ground, I assume. You have a mild concussion and may have some headaches for a couple of weeks. You'll need to get a lot of rest and limit stimulation to allow your brain to recover. But you should recover fully from that. We had to remove your spleen. It was ruptured. But you can live without it; you won't even know the difference."
He hesitated.
"What about my arm, Carlisle?" she asked. "I can't move it at all."
"When you landed on your shoulder, the impact separated your brachial nerve plexus from your spinal cord. Those nerves are the ones that control your arm. We weren't able to repair them."
Bella didn't understand for a moment, and then she did.
"It's not going to get better," she said, feeling sick.
"There may be a little improvement when some of the swelling goes down, but I don't expect you'll regain any meaningful function of the arm."
It felt impossible, unreal. She tried, again, to move her arm from where it lay, heavily bandaged on the bed beside her. Nothing.
A lifetime, like this? How will I drive? How can I sweep the floor, or button my coat? God, how am I going to write?
She thought, absurdly, of the load of clean towels at home in Charlie's dryer.
"I can't fold towels anymore," she said, her voice flat.
The guitar - you never learned it and never will.
"Bella..." Carlisle began.
"Not now," Edward warned.
I always thought I'd learn to draw, when there was more time. God, after everything I've seen, why did I still assume there would be time?
"She deserves to know," Carlisle said.
I can't even sign my own name. I can't thread a needle, braid my hair, cut a steak, tie my shoes.
"Later," Edward insisted.
I'll never be able to care for a baby.
"Bella, you should know-"
"What, Carlisle?" She looked up at him, willing him desperately to take back what he'd told her, to tell her instead about a surgery, a medicine, a therapy-
"We can Change you. If we do, you'll get the arm back."
Bella felt a surge of anger. Tears gathered in her eyes.
"Well, then I guess this worked out pretty well for all of you," she said.
Edward flinched as though she'd struck him. She pulled her hand from his and fumbled for the call button the nurse had laid on the bed beside her.
"Bella, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have told you that now," Carlisle said. "We don't need to talk about it anymore, not unless you want to."
She didn't respond to him. A moment later, Lauren appeared in the doorway.
"Hey there, what can I do for you?"
"It hurts," Bella said, tears streaming down her face. "Please, it hurts. I need something."
"Got it. I'll be right back, okay?" Lauren hurried out, leaving her alone with Edward and Carlisle.
"Please go," she said, turning her face away from them.
"Bella," Edward said. "I'm sorry. Carlisle is a doctor and can't help his wish to ease your suffering. But he would never Change you if you didn't will it. This is still your choice, and only your choice. You must know that."
She looked hard at Carlisle.
"Is it, Carlisle?" she said.
He shifted in his seat and looked away. Edward turned his head and stared at Carlisle with disbelief.
"Never again," Edward whispered. "You said never again."
"Would you have had me let her die, Edward?" Carlisle shot back. "We should not lie, not even to ourselves."
Bella shifted in the bed as much as her dead arm would let her. Her body sang with pain. Edward bent and helped her, repositioning her body and pulling the blankets up over her.
This is what you'll be to him now. The broken girl he takes care of.
"Please," she whispered to him. "I need you to go."
He laid a hand on her head and glanced at Carlisle, who'd moved toward the door.
"I'll return soon," Edward said. "After I've hunted."
Bella hestitated, then nodded. Edward let out a breath.
The nurse returned with a syringe. She administered the medication with quick, practiced, movements.
"There you are," she said, and Bella thanked her and stared out the door.
The foggy warmth started almost at once, spreading mercifully through her body as she watched Edward go.