Thank you all for your patience during my absence. I've been dealing with some personal difficulties, and writing has been tough. I'm glad to finally have more story to share with you. ~ Beth
"Edward, what was that? Is he okay?" Bella shifted in her seat, trying to look back at Jacob, but Esme turned a corner, and he passed out of sight.
"He imprinted," Edward said. "Right, Jasper?"
"Yes," Jasper said. His voice was hoarse. "I've never felt anything like it."
"Wait, he imprinted? On who? And what do you mean, you felt it?" Bella asked.
"Jasper can sense what other people are feeling, dear. It's his gift," Esme said. "It was the nurse, wasn't it, Jasper? The one with the strange hair?"
"Yes," Jasper said. He leaned heavily onto Alice's shoulder. Her fingers twined into his hair, stroking him. Her lips moved with whispers that Bella couldn't hear.
"Jasper can influence the emotions of others, too," Edward added.
"Even mine?" Bella asked.
"Yes," Edward said.
She was quiet for a moment.
"Is there a book?"
"What?" Edward asked.
"A book. A guide. Something with all the things you guys can and can't do, how all this works. The rules, whatever. There's so much I don't know."
Esme smiled at Bella sympathetically in the rear view mirror before glancing at Edward. "We should call Carlisle about Jacob."
"Yes." Edward took out his phone and dialed. Bella listened as he explained what had happened at the hospital. "You'll call the wolves, then?" he said. He was quiet for a moment, listening. "All right. We'll be at her house." He ended the call. "Carlisle will find the nurse, tell her that she's mistaken about what she thought she heard. Then he'll speak to Sam."
"Bella is right, Edward," Alice said. "She should know more than she does. You've had more than a week. This isn't fair."
"She hasn't been well," Edward said. "You know that."
"Regardless," Esme said. "It's just not right, bringing her in without giving her all the information. I told your father as much. But he insisted that the ring couldn't wait."
"You know we didn't plan for it to happen this way," Edward said. "Carlisle felt family protection was necessary."
"Nothing has gone how we planned," Alice said. She craned her neck to look back at Bella. "Your fate is not a cooperative thing, Bella. I've never experienced anything like it."
Between the conversation around her and the medication she'd received, Bella began to feel nauseated. She closed her eyes.
"Did you know I was going to get a cat a few months ago but decided it would complicate my life too much? A cat."
"You could get one now," Alice suggested brightly. "We'd help you take care of it. We wouldn't eat it, either. Emmett's the only one of us who even likes house cats."
"I don't want a cat," Bella said. She opened her eyes and saw Alice smiling. Despite herself, Bella started to laugh. "It's not funny," she said, her eyes watering. "It's insane. My life is insane. Did Jacob really imprint on my nurse? On Zelda?"
"I'm certain of it," Jasper said.
"God, what did that feel like?" Alice asked. "I'm almost envious."
"I can hardly describe it. Beautiful, and violent. A little painful. For us, finding the one we'll love is like finding... knowledge. Knowing that, between you and this other being, love can take root and grow. But with the wolves, it springs into being, full-grown, complete. In that moment, Jacob Black loved that woman with the same intensity that a vampire loves his mate of a thousand years. I don't know how the wolves survive it."
"Guys, I want Jacob to be happy, but, Zelda... She's the one who took care of me, when Carlisle first brought me into the hospital. She was in the emergency room working that night," Bella said. "She saw... everything."
The group was quiet for a moment, as they collectively realized the impossibility of the path that had been laid before Jacob Black.
"Your fate might be elusive, but his is cruel," Alice said.
"Why did it have to be her?" Bella asked. Jacob was attractive, funny, even charming. He wouldn't have trouble courting almost any woman, provided she hadn't been introduced into the reality of the wolf warrior in the grimmest way possible.
"I don't know," Alice said. "I wish I could tell you that everything happens for a reason."
"It doesn't," Bella said. "We both know that."
"Yeah." Alice ran a hand through her hair. Her eyes were far away.
"Can you see how it turns out for them?" Bella asked.
"No. The wolves' futures are hidden from me. I can only see the fallout, the effect it has on us. And even then, it's muddy, and it waits. It hides until the last minute. I have nothing on Jacob, nothing on the nurse."
When the car pulled into Bella's driveway, she waited for them to open the doors, but they didn't move.
"What's wrong? What are we waiting for?"
"The sun," Edward said. He turned to her warily. "Do you have neighbors, Bella?"
"Yeah, why?"
"They're probably at work now," Jasper said.
"We'll have to chance it, in any case," Edward said. "We can't sit in the car all day." He opened the car door and stepped out.
Bella's eyes went wide. She covered her mouth with her hand.
"We have to hurry," Edward said. He was at her door now, opening it. "I'm going to carry you."
Bella didn't answer. She stared at the million flashing prisms that his skin had become. He lifted her into his arms, and she held onto his neck.
The trip to the front door was too fast. It made her dizzy. Edward opened the door and stepped inside. Her eyes met his, and it might have been romantic, or at least a little funny, if her stitches weren't itching and her mouth weren't so dry.
"Are you all right if I set you down now?" he asked.
"Yes, I think so," she said, her eyes taking in the living room.
They'd changed almost everything. The walls had been painted, and the carpet was gone. There were shining hardwoods now, with islands of colorful accent rugs. The couch was new, but the familiar old afghan was still there. Bella searched for Charlie's credenza, his records and turntable.
"They're over there, in the corner," Alice said. Bella startled at the sound of her voice, suddenly so close. "We polished the wood on the cabinet, but otherwise, it's just the same."
"Good," Bella said. "Thank you, for keeping it."
"Of course we kept it," Alice said. She turned to Edward and glared. "You couldn't wait for me," He rolled his eyes and didn't answer.
Bella went from room to room on mostly-steady legs, taking in everything that would never again be as it was. Everything had been repainted. The kitchen and bathroom tile was new. Charlie's dingy mini-blinds were gone. The windows were now dressed in heavy woven drapes and airy sheers.
"The windows," Bella said, walking to the picture window that hung in front of the new kitchen table. "You replaced them."
"Yeah," Alice said. "The old ones were pretty in their own way, but they couldn't hold in the heat anymore. But I made sure the ones weren't ugly plastic-framed ones. They look closer to the old ones. You just won't freeze to death in here anymore. It's going to be a cold winter, Bella."
"We always managed all right," Bella said, running her finger over the wooden bowing in the frame. "But these are great. Thank you." She swallowed hard. "I never could have done this myself."
Alice beamed. Jasper squeezed her hand and nodded.
"She means it," he said.
Bella put a hand onto the surface of the kitchen table, resting her weight there.
"You should sit down," Edward said.
He helped her settle onto the couch. Alice and Jasper went to work making tea for Bella; the operation sounded surprisingly complex from the sound of clattering cookware and excited voices coming from the kitchen. Esme searched through Bella's plastic hospital bag for her medication.
"Not right now," Bella said. "It'll knock me out."
"Are you sure, Bella?" Edward asked.
"Yeah, I'm okay right now."
"All right, dear," Esme said. As she set the bag aside, her eyes met Edward's. "Son, do you need to-"
"Yes," he said, his relief obvious. "Can you stay with her? An hour, two at most."
"You don't need to," Bella said. "I can be alone for an hour, honestly."
"Of course you can, but we don't need to be anywhere." Esme smiled down at Bella and patted her hair. "We're happy to keep you company."
Edward's eyes narrowed at them.
"None of you are thirsty, are you? When did you last hunt?"
"Just this morning," Esme said. "Before we left for the hospital. She'll be fine with us. Go on."
"I really will," Bella said. Something new occurred to her. "Your eyes. Do they- I mean, when you're thirsty. Do they turn black?" There were only slivers of gold in them now, swallowed in depthless black.
"Yes," Edward said. "And we can't obscure that." He bent and pressed a kiss to her forehead. "I'll return soon. Esme will get you anything you need."
It was strange watching him leave without hearing Charlie's battered aluminum storm door bang shut behind him. The new door was almost soundless, making only a soft hiss and quiet click as it closed.
"Remarkable," Esme said.
"What's that?" Bella asked.
"He's just come such a long way. With love, there can be miracles."
Alice brought the tea in a moment later. Bella sipped it, and tried to keep her face from showing how unpleasantly strong it was. Alice noticed, though.
"Sorry." She smiled apologetically. "I'll do better next time, okay? You only had eight teabags. I told him that wasn't enough."
"It's okay," Bella said, trying not to laugh. "I really do appreciate it."
"Well? Where should we start?" Alice asked. She perched on the cushion of the love seat beside Jasper. Every muscle in her body seemed poised and eager. Bella found it simultaneously amusing and unnerving.
"I guess the first thing I'd like to know more about is what you all can do. How being a vampire works," Bella said. "The special powers, for one. Edward hears thoughts, you see the future-"
"Some of it," Alice corrected.
"Some of it," Bella said, "And Jasper senses emotions. And you said he can influence them?"
"Yes," Jasper said. "To a point."
"Have you ever done that to me?" Bella asked.
He hesitated.
"Yes," he said.
"When?"
"A few times, but it was years ago. When we were in school together."
"When, Jasper? Specifically?"
He shifted in his seat. "Bella, you have to understand that, if I'm not paying attention, it happens without my intending to. And, sometimes, it happens because I just want the mood of the room to change, for my own sake. Other people's strong negative feelings are quite unpleasant for me."
She waited.
"When you first came to Forks," Jasper said. "You were homesick. You wanted to leave. There were a couple of times where I made you a little happier, a little less restless. But it was really minor."
She nodded. She couldn't remember any time that she'd have noticed. "Any other times?"
"After your play with Alice, when you forgot your lines. You were so miserable, so embarrassed. I took some of that away. I couldn't help it."
"Well, thanks for that, anyway," she said. "Were there any other times? With Jacob, or Edward?"
He shook his head. "Absolutely not. I would never manipulate you that way. And, in any case, Edward would never had stood for it. Your free will has been important to him, you know."
"He's telling you the truth, Bella," Alice said. "Jasper is excruciatingly ethical about using his gift." She sounded rather exasperated with that fact.
"Is there anyone else? Does anyone else have special powers?"
"In the world?" Alice said. "Sure. There are a lot of gifted vampires out there. If you're lucky, you won't meet most of them."
"What about in your family?"
"No, just the the three of us, unless you count Carlisle and his self-control around human blood," Alice said.
"I count it," Jasper said. "Most definitely."
"And Emmett's very strong," Esme said, a touch defensively. "Even for one of our kind. And Rosalie is a talented artist."
"Yes, mother, all your babies are special," Alice said, rolling her eyes. "But I think Bella just wants to make sure we're not all going to start teleporting or something, right?"
"Right," Bella said. "But I do want to know about all of you. I mean, I'd love to see Rosalie's art."
"And she'd love to show you," Alice said. "She's not what you'd call shy about showing it off."
"Be nice," Esme chided. Alice shrugged.
Bella thought for a moment. Her body ached, and she shifted against the cushions, trying to find a more comfortable position. She realized that no one else was moving, not even a little. Vampires don't fidget.
"How do you become a vampire?" she asked at last.
Jasper and Esme exchanged a look.
"Maybe we should wait for Carlisle to explain this to you," Esme said.
"I'd rather hear it now," Bella said. Carlisle, after all, had had a week to tell her and he hadn't. Neither had Edward for that matter. "I don't want to wait any longer."
"Of course you don't," Alice said. "Edward's being so careful with you. That's how Carlisle raised him, you see. So gently. It's a luxury he had back then. You don't need that though, do you, Bella? I tell them who you are, but I don't think they believe me. But they'll learn that soon enough, won't they?" She grinned.
"I'm not sure what you mean," Bella said. She pulled the afghan closer to her.
"I know. But that's just the way of the world, isn't it? None of us can see ourselves. Not until we find a mirror, anyway." She looked from Jasper to Esme, then back to Bella. "It probably won't surprise you to learn that vampires are born in pain."
"Edward said that before, that becoming a vampire hurts." Bella remembered his story about Rosalie and Emmett.
"Very much," Alice said. "It's like fire, but it's inside you, and it feels... alive. Purposeful."
Esme shuddered. "You must be so graphic?"
"She deserves to know," Jasper said.
"I do want to know," Bella said. "Never lie to protect me, okay?"
"I never will," Alice said. Bella nodded, and Alice went on. "Someone, one of us, has to bite you. That lets the venom enter your bloodstream."
"Venom?"
"Yes, we're venomous. Weird, right? It serves us though, in more than one way. First of all, it causes pain that immobilizes our prey. That fire - nothing fights back once it begins."
"I see," Bella said, trying to keep her voice even.
"It's also how we reproduce. If the vampire who bites you stops drinking, doesn't drain your blood, the venom gets deep enough to work on you. It rebuilds you, cell by cell. Makes you one of us."
"How long does it take?"
"Three days, give or take," Alice said. "Depends on the health of the human, the amount of venom."
"It took me four," Esme said. She looked at Bella with haunted eyes. "But, I'd lost a lot of blood already."
"And then... You just wake up, and...?" Bella trailed off. "I don't even know what to ask you. I guess I just need to know what's different. And what stays the same."
"It's probably easier to start with what stays the same," Jasper said. "Your basic personality won't change. You are essentially the same person as a vampire that you were when you were human."
"Because you still remember what you were, right?"
The only response was silence. No one would meet her eyes.
"What?" She glanced at each of them. "What is it?"
"Some human memories are lost to the Change," Jasper said at last. "And it's impossible to predict which ones."
Bella understood at once why they hadn't wanted to tell her that.
"What did you forget?" she asked, not looking at them.
Jasper answered first.
"I remembered most of my human life," he said. "It's only slowly, as years passed, that I even realized there were gaps. I remember being in the Army, but not how I joined. I remember my mother, but only a little of my father, and I do think he was living when I was Changed. I remember where I played as a child, but not if I had friends. I had either one or two sisters, and I'm not sure which."
There was a long pause.
"What about you, Alice?" Bella asked. "What did you forget?"
"Bella..." Alice started to hedge and gave up. "Everything. I forgot everything."
"Everything?" Bella repeated. "How?"
Alice shook her head. "I don't know. We have guesses. Maybe my Change was traumatic. Or maybe my brain had been damaged before I was Changed, and the human memories were just gone. But I woke up in a cave, and I was alone. I still don't know who Changed me, or why. I do know that I was in an asylum, but that's only because of what I was wearing when I awoke, and where the cave was. And there were... on my wrists. There were restraints, manacles." Jasper touched her temple with his fingertips, pulling her face closer to his with the light touch.
"You must have been so scared," Bella said, but her mind was elsewhere.
Everything. To lose everything...
"It was, at first," Alice said, her forehead resting against Japser's. "My visions scared me, but then they helped me. They showed me that I wouldn't always be alone."
Jasper's lips brushed hers, and Bella looked away. She turned to Esme, who was staring down at her hands.
"What about you, Esme?" Bella asked. "What did you forget?"
"My son," Esme said. She fumbled with a locket that hung at her neck. She unclasped the necklace that held the pendant and opened the locket itself to reveal a faded, tea-toned image. Esme passed the locket to Bella. The photograph was that of a family - mother, father, baby. Early twentieth century. Bella studied the baby's face, round and serious. He looked very much like Esme.
"You didn't go back, after? To see him?" Bella asked. Something flashed in Esme's eyes, and Bella knew. "I'm sorry. I didn't know. Edward should have told me."
Esme's lips pulled back, almost a smile. "Alice is right. He's trying to raise you gently. And he's afraid of what learning this would do."
"What was-" Bella remembered, stopped, started again. "Do you remember his name?"
Esme closed her eyes. "I didn't. Carlisle found out, and he told me. It was Louis. Louis John." Her voice caressed the words like a prayer.
"What happened to him, Esme?"
"Pneumonia. It wasn't uncommon then, and there was no good way to treat babies who fell ill that way. Carlisle found the doctor who treated him. He told me that it happened quickly. Louis didn't suffer for long."
"How old was he?" Bella asked. She remembered David's chest, rising and falling in the isolette as he struggled for air.
"Six months." Her voice was calm in a way that spoke of long practice, but there was something beneath it, hard and thirsty, that had survived the decades. "And I don't remember him, Bella. I remember my wedding. I remember my first dog, the name of the church my family attended, falling from an apple tree and breaking my arm when I was five... but I don't remember my son."
They sat in silence. Bella sipped the bitter tea, no longer tasting it.
"What a choice," she said.
"There's no guarantee that this would happen to you," Jasper offered gently.
"And no guarantee it wouldn't," Bella said.
"Yes," he said.
"What a choice," she said again. She paused. "Esme... how did you die?"
Esme gave the answer Bella knew she would.
"Suicide," she said. "I didn't want to live without my baby. Or, at least, that's what must have happened. I don't remember what I was thinking, why I did it. I do remember jumping. I threw myself from a cliff, but I survived. At the hospital, Carlisle saw that I wasn't going to live, so he took me home and Changed me."
Bella wondered how Carlisle had explained to Esme's family about the conspicuous absence of a body. But there was another question that pressed her more.
"Were you sorry that he did? Are you?"
"No." There was no hesitation. Esme leaned forward, her gold eyes shining. "I thought death was what I wanted, but it wasn't. What I wanted was comfort. Hope. I only chose to die because I didn't believe those things were possible for me. With Carlisle, I found all those things, and so much more. Nothing could bring Louis back, but Carlisle brought me back, the me I never knew I could be."
"I didn't think I could find those things again, either," Bella said, passing the locket back to Esme. She pressed her lips briefly to it before fastening it around her neck again.
"But you have found it?" Esme asked. "Carlisle said..." She sighed and began again, her voice laced with equal parts fear and hope. "Do you love him, Bella?"
"Yes," Bella said. The word felt daring, dangerous. "I don't understand why, how, so soon... But I don't doubt that it's true. And I don't doubt him. How strange is that? I just met him."
"It's not strange," Jasper said. "I remember that feeling. It was even stranger for me, because Mary Alice was a vampire. Trust and love were the last thing I had in mind in those days when I met another of my kind. But, from the first moment, every part of me belonged to her, and every part of me claimed her as mine. That truth lived in my whole being, in every cell. I could not doubt it."
"You still feared it, though," Alice said. She smiled crookedly and lay her hand on his leg.
"I did. Even without doubt, there can be fear."
"Yes." Bella nodded hard. "Part of me wishes I weren't afraid, and the other part of me is glad that I have at least that much sense left."
Esme laughed. "Oh, Bella. You're entirely sensible. You must believe that. Even if your future with Edward seems frightening, you must realize that it will be wonderful, as well. You two will have the whole world to explore and enjoy together, and all of time to do it. You'll be free from sickness, pain, from want. And he'll love you unfailingly. He already does."
"But what if I fail?" Bella asked. Esme started to answer, but Bella shook her head. "Whatever Edward says, whatever Carlisle says, I can't stay human if I'm going to be with him can I?"
"You are a smart girl," Esme said, glancing at Alice. Alice raised an eyebrow knowingly.
"Told you," Alice said.
"Yes, you will need to Change," Esme said to Bella. "For one thing, it's just too dangerous for you to continue as you are. You nearly died a week ago, and, as long as you're mortal, that possibility will remain. Edward is too besotted to let you see how it torments him, the thought of losing you, but... It would destroy him, Bella. If he won't tell you that, I will. I'm his mother. It would destroy him, and I don't mean that metaphorically. A vampire does not survive the loss of his mate."
Bella nodded. Tears stung behind her eyes.
"But it's not just for his sake, or for yours," Esme continued. "Vampires have laws. The greatest is that we may not reveal ourselves to human beings. Edward's broken that law. We all have. It will mean death for us if the Volturi learn of it and choose to demand that price."
"The Volturi?"
"The coven that rules us," Jasper explained. "They're powerful, with abilities greater than ours. If they want to destroy us, they can do it."
He said it matter-of-factly, but the words chilled Bella.
"So, I was right, then. There isn't a choice," she said. "If I stay with him, I Change."
"Carlisle is trying to buy you some time," Esme said. "The Volturi have known for some time that Edward had found his mate, and that she was human. They didn't know who you were. We were able to hide that much, at least. But it won't be long until they hear of the human girl our family has taken in and put it all together."
"You said he's trying to buy time? How?"
"He's going to present them with a petition, begging their leniency, and for a little time before you are Changed."
Alice snorted. "And he thinks they'll do it? The Volturi have no love for us. They'd love a reason to destroy us. Carlisle should have just bitten her at the hospital. I told him-"
"Enough," Esme said. Her voice rung with authority Bella hadn't heard in it before. Alice met Esme's hard gaze for a moment before looking away. Esme stared after her a moment before she relaxed a bit. When she spoke again, her tone was gentler, but no less firm. "Carlisle did as he felt was best. And he does think the Volturi might agree to what he asks. The only thing they might want more than the destruction of our coven is for us to be indebted to them."
Japser cursed. "Given those two options, I'm not sure which I prefer myself."
Bella pressed her hand against her eyes. Her head was beginning to ache.
"I hate this," she said. "I hate that this is so dangerous for you."
"And for you," Alice said. "They would not leave you alive if they killed us."
"What can I tell my mother? And what if I forget about my son?" A tear spilled down Bella's cheek. "I love Edward with everything I am, but this terrifies me. How can I love him so much and still be so afraid?"
"Oh, we know," Esme said, rising from her chair and moving to sit close to Bella. She wrapped her arms around her and pulled her close against her side. "We know it's not fair, and we're doing all we can to make it better. This is why Carlisle didn't tell you yet. He wanted to wait for the Volturi's answer. You need time to understand what's ahead, and to make peace with everything behind. You'll feel differently then. I know you will."
Bella sniffed, her cheek leaning against the soft wool Esme's sweater as Esme stroked her hair.
"Try not to worry about all of it just yet. Just get yourself better," Esme continued. "You and Edward, you get to know each other. Maybe then, you'll see... Love always has a price, Bella. And yours and Edward's... The price is extraordinary. I know it is. But the love is, too. Give yourself time to see that."
Bella didn't answer her. Her and Edward's love may be extraordinary, but she didn't feel extraordinary. She felt quite ordinary, less than that. She felt as though she might be crushed beneath the weight of the choice laid before her.
"I think I'll take some medicine and lie down for a while."
"Of course." Esme rose and found the pills Carlisle had sent home with her. "Do you think you can manage the stairs? We can carry you, if necessary."
"No, I can do it."
Esme was going to walk with Bella upstairs, but Alice insisted on going instead. When Bella opened the door to her bedroom, she thought she knew why. The room was nearly unrecognizable. Alice had painted it a warm, wheaty orange, and accented it with blue and pearl-colored linens and curtains that shouldn't have gone well with the orange walls but somehow did. Alice pressed her lips together, her hands clasped together in front of her as she waited for Bella's reaction.
"It's beautiful," Bella said. "Thank you."
"I'm so glad you like it," Alice said, releasing a huge breath. "I mean, I was sure you would, but..." She shrugged.
"I do like it," Bella said, pushing past her exhaustion to summon a smile. She slipped off her shoes and pulled back the bedcovers.
"Do you want to get undressed?" Alice asked. "Do you need me to help?"
"No, I'm just going to rest for a while. I don't need to change." The clothes she had on were comfortable enough, and Bella didn't want Alice to act as her nurse. It was bad enough that Edward had been thrust into the role. She climbed into the bed, sighing. The new mattress was deliciously soft, and the sheets were were cool and smooth against her skin.
Alice moved toward the door but stopped short of it. She stood straighter as she turned back to Bella. Something in her face, something old and other, made it seem impossible that Alice had ever been mistaken for a human teenager.
"You should know that Edward would become human to be with you if he could," Alice said. "He'd become mortal, grow old, die and rot, if that's what you needed him to do. He can't do that, of course, but he'll still die for you if it becomes necessary. He won't think twice about it."
"Alice, why-"
"The others won't say it, won't ask it, but I will. I'll ask it because I know you better than they do. Bella, a thousand years ago, you would have been a warrior, a queen. You're frightened, but you're a woman who can fight great battles, even while frightened. You're already steel. Become stone for him, for all of us. Don't wait, not a moment longer than you absolutely must. The longer you wait..." Alice stopped, and a shadow of confusion crossed her face. She blinked a few times and squeezed her eyes shut. When she opened them again, they blazed as Bella remembered them blazing in her dream. "I will do it. The moment you decide, the moment you agree. Tell me, and I will make it so. I'll bring you over. Jasper will help me. He and I will do it if no one else will."
Bella's breath drew in, and she leaned back, her hands clenching the quilt. Alice saw her fright. When she spoke again, her tone was softer.
"And I will tell you of your son, Bella. Even if you forget every moment of his life, I won't! I never will. I'll tell you, again and again. If the Change takes your memories, I'll give them back to you."
"It won't be enough," Bella said.
Alice nodded agreement.
"No, but it's everything that we have. And it's not nothing."
Bella looked away as her eyes filled with tears.
When she looked back at the doorway, Alice was gone.