As I wake up, I feel one thing: numb. I sit on the edge of my bed for a while just staring at the blank wall, I feel nothing. Last nights events replay through my mind, Russia, the nightmares and the horrible words that were cuts I made are deep but I feel no pain...I'm just used to it.

I need a plan for my day as there are no missions. But first,before I do anything, I must stitch up these wounds because if someone sees an open wound that I didn't report at the debriefing; Rumours are going to start. SHIT! Oh bloody hell, I have to go to the psychiatrist today at... 11:30

ITS 10:45 I AM GOING TO BE LATE. Quickly, I stitch myself up, get ready then go on my Harley to the doctors. Even though the doctor will not care about my identity, the paparazzi will. I have to wear a disguise because otherwise there will be words about 'Captain America going insane'. I could've gone to the psychiatrists at SHIELD but then everyone would've known about me and I cannot deal with that right now.

The queue for the doctors is short yet it feels like forever since there are a million thoughts in my mind right now. If my Peggy was here she would hold my hand and tell me everything is alright... But she's not. Sometimes she doesn't recognise me because of her dementia yet I tell her my name and deal with the reaction she has: Steve? It's been so long! I am so glad you are alive!

I'm so glad you are alive.

Well that makes one person. Everyone else thinks of captain America. In mid thought, some kind of machinery beeps and tells me the doctor will see me now. I knock on the door and a male answers,"come in Steve." Nervously, I take my disguise off and sit down,

"Hello Doctor..." DARN IT IVE FORGOTTEN HIS NAME.

"Phellis. It's Doctor James Phellis." My eyes widen at the name James," You can call me James if you want. Why are you here today, Steve?" My throat burns but I answer,

"I haven't been feeling too well, James. I haven't been... Happy."

"How long have you felt this way." His voice is full of concern

"Um, about 80 years James."

"Certainly haven't heard that before," he chuckles lightly,"What caused this?"

My mind flashes back to when I was younger: over bearing mother, getting beat up every day, fathers death, I was the little guy in every scenario. To answer all his question I say all of my reasons.

"What did you do about it?"

I have a feeling he knows what I am about to say.

"I self harmed. I never ran away from a fight even though I would get beaten up badly. I would push away anyone close to me."

"Why did you do this Steve?"

I let out a deep sigh and clutch the arm on the black chair tighter,

"I felt like I deserved it. But the self harming that made me feel an odd sense of happiness, it was like I was in control of something in my life. I was not in control of anything, I couldn't do anything about my fathers death, the nightmares.."

James interrupts me mid sentence,

"Nightmares? What happened in them? Do you still have them?"

"It was where I was stripped of everything, I would be even smaller and everyone would be Giants. They would hurt me and kick me," I pause because suddenly I do not feel well," yes I still have them. They are memories of when I was in the ice and the war.. The worst was when... Was when a man was skinned and burnt, alive. He was behind glass, I could not do anything yet he kept calling my name even as they did what they did. I feel guilty about that one" I really do not feel well now.

"It was not your fault, he was not in your reach, Steve." My face must've lost all colour because he then says," there's a bin there if you need to - uh.."

Before he finishes his sentence I dash across the room and spend the next 20 minutes vomiting into the big grey bin.

"Okay Steve one last question. Do you want to be alive right now?"

There's a long pause before I finally speak,

"I think I should've died under the ice. I'm clearly in the wrong time and I do not belong... As my team constantly reminds me."

"Here's what I see, tell me if you think I'm wrong." I nod my head," I see a man suffering from extreme guilt, you carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. You probably do not want to hear it but I think you are suffering from depression." I knew it.

My head drops to stare at the white clean floor.

"For now I will try and give you therapy so you have someone to talk to. I will try to give you anti depressants if that does not work but with the serum it might now work."

I shake the doctors hand, put my disguise back on and head back to the tower. I am back yet I do not bother greeting anyone as they do not care. I lay in my room and there's only one thing I can think,

I'm so cold.

AN- so guys this is written from yours truly's personal experience. Please please review. I haven't proof read this or anything so I apologise for spelling mistakes, I am trying to update ad quickly as I can for you guys. Ily all❤️