'I Love You'
Claudia was trying to open her eyes but could not. She could feel the cold, hard floor underneath her body. With her fingers, she could sense something warm and sticky. Someone was muttering an incantation. Maybe her attacker was still there. It took all of Claudia's strength just to open her eyes for a fraction of a second.
But it was not the hooded figure she glimpsed. It was Sirius. He was kneeling next to her, wand in hand, casting what looked like healing spells. Blood was dripping from his shirtsleeves. That could not have been good.
"What are you doing?" Claudia heard an angry female voice. She thought it sounded like Madame Pomfrey. There were footsteps. "Just keep doing that." The woman added. This time in a soft and worried tone.
"She sounds impressed." Claudia managed to whisper, with her eyes still closed. That took all of Claudia's energy. She lost consciousness again.
When Claudia woke up, she was in the hospital wing. Someone had drawn the curtains around her bed. There was a solitary armchair by the head of her bed and curled up in it was Sirius. He sat up straight and smiled when he noticed Claudia's eyes were open.
"What day is it?" Claudia whispered.
"Friday." Sirius replied. The relief on his face was palpable.
"It's been two days?" Claudia said, trying to sit up. Sirius put his hand on her shoulder.
"No, please don't do that." He whispered. "You've lost a lot of blood."
"Are you the matron now?" Claudia smirked but did as she was told.
"He might as well be. He's got genuine talent for healing." Claudia heard Madame Pomfrey's voice. She turned her head to see the matron. Julius was with her.
"What is he doing here?" Julius barked, as he lay his eyes on Sirius.
"I wouldn't take that tone." Madame Pomfrey frowned at him. "He saved her life."
Claudia had no idea where to look. It had only just hit her. She could have died. Why Julius thought this was the right time for a jealous outburst, she did not know. Sirius grudgingly stood up from the armchair and let Julius come closer to the bed.
"What happened?" Julius asked, somewhat more compassionately.
"I don't know." Claudia replied. "One minute I was walking back to the common room. The next, I woke up here."
"Why would anyone attack you?" Julius struggled to understand.
Claudia sighed. Now was the time to explain. But she just could not do it. It was too late. And Madame Pomfrey was listening.
"I don't know." Claudia whispered, doing everything she could to avoid looking at Sirius. She could practically feel his eyes bearing into her. Of course, he knew just as well as she did what happened. This was Marcus' revenge.
"It must have been a mistake." Julius said, trying to sound reassuring.
"Probably." Claudia whispered.
"Unless…" Julius began to say but stopped before finishing the sentence. He turned toward Sirius. "How did you find her so quickly?" He barked.
"What are you suggesting?" Sirius said with a frown and folded his arms across his chest.
"I'm asking you." Julius squared up to him. "How did you find her so quickly?"
"You're off your head, Nott." Sirius hissed.
"Julius, please." Claudia pleaded with her boyfriend. "It wasn't him."
"You've always been blind to what he really is." Julius said angrily, turning back to his girlfriend. "An arrogant, self-centred bully."
Sirius sniggered. Julius' insult clearly did not get to him.
"Stop it. Both of you." Barked Madame Pomfrey. "Or I'll throw you out." But neither Julius nor Sirius paid the slightest attention to her.
"I never had you down as naïve." Julius continued in Claudia's direction. "It's so obvious that this is a part of some stupid prank. I don't understand that you can't see he's just using you."
Sirius leapt towards Julius. He must have touched a raw nerve.
"Shut the fuck up." He hissed and grabbed Julius by the collar. That was too much for Madame Pomfrey.
"Out!" She yelled. Sirius growled into Julius' face and let go of him so forcefully that the latter stumbled.
"But I didn't do anything." Julius began defending himself, but Madame Pomfrey did not relent. She pointed towards the hospital wing door.
"If I hear that you two have as much as looked at each other, I'll get you both expelled." She barked.
Claudia could not bear to look at either of them. She buried her face in her hands in embarrassment. She heard no more shouting or fighting and thus assumed that they both must have done as they were told and left.
"You're going to be fine." Madame Pomfrey whispered and began to exchange Claudia's bandages. "Except for the scars." The matron added. "I'm doing my best, but I'm not sure they will ever truly disappear. Done by some powerful magic, we think."
Claudia paid little attention to her. She did not really care about the scars. She was just so tired. Her brain was all jumbled, and she was struggling to keep her eyes open.
"Get some rest, dear." Madame Pomfrey must have noticed. She pulled the blanket over Claudia's chest and began to walk away. As she opened the curtains to leave her patient's bedside, Claudia glimpsed Sirius. He was sitting on the floor in the corner of the hospital wing, playing with his wand. His presence made Claudia feel somewhat safer. He was the only one who knew what really happened to her. And he was here to protect her. Not that she needed protecting. She must remember to tell him off later. Claudia chuckled to herself but could not fight the tiredness any longer. With a smile still on her face, she fell asleep.
Claudia woke up, hearing distant voices. It was Sirius arguing with someone. Claudia's heart skipped a beat when she recognised the second voice. It was Alice.
"I agree with you!" Sirius said angrily.
"You what?" Barked Alice.
"Of course, I do." Sirius replied impatiently. "She nearly died. She has to tell someone."
"I can hear you two." Claudia tried saying as loudly as she could. She was finally coming back to her senses and had so many questions. How did Marcus get into the castle to attack her? Or did he have someone else do it? Where was the note from Mundungus?
Her train of thought got interrupted by Sirius and Alice walking through the curtains that still enclosed Claudia's bed. They were looking at each other, as if they were trying to decide who should speak first.
"You have to tell Dumbledore." Sirius whispered, but Claudia paid little attention. She knew he was right, but her mind was elsewhere.
"Where are my clothes?" She asked. "I got a note from Mundungus. He's ready to talk. It should be in my pocket. Unless…" Claudia did not even have to finish that sentence. Sirius grabbed the basket with her stuff from under the bed and rummaged through it.
"There is nothing here." He frowned. He was obviously thinking the same as Claudia. Mundungus was in danger. "I'll get Dumbledore." Sirius added, jumped up and run off.
Claudia and Alice were left alone, awkwardly staring at each other. It had been so long since they had spoken.
"I'm sorry." They said almost simultaneously. Alice burst into tears and hugged Claudia.
"Ouch. The scars." Claudia winced.
"I'm never letting you out of my sight again." Alice said and wiped her eyes.
"If I knew getting injured was all it took for you to forgive me, I'd get someone do it a long time ago." Claudia laughed and hugged her friend back.
"I even missed your horrible sense of humour." Alice laughed as they continued to embrace each other.
"Who's Mundungus?" Alice finally asked and slowly let go of her friend. Claudia had just about enough time to fill her in on the events of the Hogsmeade weekend before Professor Dumbledore walked into the hospital wing, closely followed by Sirius.
The three of them watched the Headmaster in complete silence as he took out his wand, produced two chairs out of mid-air, and slowly lowered himself on one of them. He gestured towards Alice to sit down on the other. Sirius plonked back into his armchair.
"Who wants to talk first?" Dumbledore asked, looking at the three of them from behind his tiny spectacles.
"Where do I even start?" Claudia sighed.
"The beginning, Miss Avery." Dumbledore said patiently. "The beginning."
So, Claudia began. She told him how she found out that Marcus was after the artefact, and how they found it and used an ancient spell to destroy it. She then went on to explain how they followed Marcus to figure out what other ways there were to create the inferi and saw him reanimate the crup.
It was hard enough, trying to recount the entire story and leave out all the instances where any of them broke the school rules. She was glad that Dumbledore listened intently and was not asking her any tough questions. There were so many things she did not want him to know. That they broke into the restricted section, vandalised a priceless book, nearly destroyed Slytherin's old apartments, and used dark magic to destroy the artefact itself.
Every time she left out any of the juicier details, she could hear Sirius clear his throat. She could not look at him. She knew that if she did, they would laugh, and Dumbledore would know that something was up. Claudia could not have that. Unlike Sirius, she did at least like to pretend that she played by the rules.
"And then I got the note from Mundungus Fletcher, saying that he will talk to you. That he will confirm all of it is true. And then I got attacked. And the note is gone." Claudia finished.
"Do not fear, Miss Avery." Dumbledore smiled at her. "Mr Fletcher will be just fine. I will see to that."
Claudia tried her best to smile back but could not.
"Could Marcus get into the castle, Professor?" She whispered.
"I do not think that is likely." Dumbledore shook his head. He opened his mouth to continue but did not get the chance.
"It was Snape. Acting on Marcus' orders." Sirius blurted out.
"Severus Snape?" Dumbledore asked. Sirius nodded, but avoided the Headmaster's eye.
"I want all three of you to listen to me very carefully now." Dumbledore began. "You will need to keep this to yourselves. Especially about the Hogsmeade murder."
"What?" Claudia sat up quickly. Too quickly, in fact, her injury throbbed. "You don't believe me?"
"I do believe you. I have had my suspicions about your brother for some time." Dumbledore said slowly. "But he is not important. We have a much bigger fish to fry. A fish that would most certainly slip through the net were your brother to be arrested for this."
"My father?" Claudia asked. But she did not have to, she knew that was the answer. She was calm again. It was all starting to make sense.
"I am glad you understand my predicament, Miss Avery." Dumbledore nodded and smiled at her.
"No." Sirius said sharply. They all turned to him. "With all due respect, you cannot pretend none of this ever happened. It is not safe. Not for Claude, or anyone else. Snape has to be punished."
"Mr Black." Dumbledore said, the slightest of frowns appearing on this forehead. "I thought you of all people would understand that everybody deserves a second chance."
Sirius' face went ashen. He mumbled something under his breath, pulled his knees up to his chest and turned to look out of the window.
"Mr Black." Dumbledore continued. "I want you to look at me and tell me you remember what you promised me back in June." Dumbledore said. His tone was still kind, but with a hint of insistence. Claudia had no clue what this was about.
Sirius did not look at any of them. He uttered a barely comprehensible promise and continued to stare out of the window.
"Second chance for attempted murder?" Alice asked angrily.
"It's ok, Alice." Claudia jumped in. "When my father finds out about this, it's Marcus' and Snape's well-being you should worry about, not mine." She could swear Dumbledore almost chuckled.
"I will leave you recuperate, Miss Avery." The Headmaster said. "We will have another talk when you get better." He added, stood up and vanished through the curtains. Claudia, Alice and Sirius were left alone.
"What was that about?!" Alice barked in Sirius' direction. "I know Claudia doesn't care about her safety, but I thought at least you would be on my side."
"Can I talk to you for a bit?" Sirius whispered to Claudia and turned to Alice. "Alone?" He added. Alice looked at Claudia as if to check whether she should go. Claudia gave her a slight nod. Sirius looked genuinely troubled and she wanted to be there for him. It was the least she could do given the circumstances.
"What did you do?" Claudia asked him when Alice had disappeared. Sirius leaned forward in the armchair and put his head in his hands. It was not like him to avoid eye contact, or struggle for words. It took him a long time to speak.
"I put Snape in danger last year. I wanted to hurt him." He began to explain. "If James hadn't intervened, Snape would be dead."
"What happened?" Claudia whispered. Perhaps in hope that Sirius was exaggerating.
"I had to swear I wouldn't tell…" Sirius whispered back, still avoiding Claudia's eye. "I'm sorry. I really can't tell you." He added, just as she was about to protest.
Claudia had no idea what to say. She always knew Sirius had a temper, but to try and kill someone? She did not think he was capable of that. Then, she remembered the Hufflepuff game. She remembered the all-consuming anger, and the satisfaction she herself felt when she saw Leanne's broken leg. She knew what it meant to be consumed by the darkness within and to act on it.
"Every day I wish that I could turn back time. And not do what I did." Sirius added. Claudia reached out for his hand and squeezed it.
"You're not a bad person." She whispered. Then, something occurred to her. "If Dumbledore knows what you did, how did you not get expelled?" She added. Sirius finally looked her in the eye and raised the tiniest of smiles.
"I took the Felix Felicis you gave me before I went into the meeting with Dumbledore." He whispered. But he did not look like he was quite finished. His eyes were betraying him. There was more he wanted to say.
"There was something else Felix helped me with… I wrote you a letter." Sirius added and reached into his pocket. Out came a crumbled envelope. "But the potion wore off before I got to send it. And I chickened out." He finished and began turning the envelope over in his hand.
"Are you going to give it to me now?" Claudia asked, somewhat bemused.
Sirius sighed and continued to play with the envelope. This was clearly not an easy decision for him. After a good minute, he jumped up from the armchair, dropped the envelope into Claudia's lap and began to run off.
"Why are you leaving?" Claudia shouted after him.
"Because I'm a coward." Sirius said and vanished.
Claudia picked up the envelope. Whatever Sirius was, he was not a coward. Whatever was in the letter must have been hard for him to say. Her hand shaking, Claudia took out the letter from the envelope. It was long, torn into pieces and fixed with some muggle tape. Claudia took a deep breath, and her eyes began to travel across the page.
Claude,
I just got back from a disciplinary hearing. Your birthday present saved my ass today. Truly, I don't know where I would be without it. Expelled, I suspect.
Cheers,
Sirius
There is something else I have to say... I can't help it. I think the potion must still be working. Please keep reading, I'm begging you. You deserve an explanation.
That night we kissed. It was the happiest I've ever been. The whole way home, nothing could wipe the smile off my face. I nearly got hit by a car. That's how dazed I was.
But when I got back, my parents knew we were together. I suspect my dear brother saw us leave and told them. He's always been a nasty little shit-stirrer.
I was expecting my mother to flip out and yell at me. After all, that's what she always does. But she just smiled. She was ecstatic. She wanted to invite your parents over for dinner. She practically started to pick out china for our wedding.
I panicked. I felt like I betrayed myself. Like I must have been wrong to feel the way I did about you. The way I still do feel about you…
I've done a lot of stupid things to try to shut out my feelings for you. All the girls, the smoking, the drinking... It achieved nothing. Other than to push you further away. And make me even more miserable.
I'm done being stupid. I miss you. I miss your wit, your company. Whenever I see or hear something funny, I want to tell you. I want to tell you and make you laugh. In fact, I would do anything just to see you smile again. Anything to make you happy.
I don't know how it took me this long to realise. I love you.
Just writing these words puts a smile on my face. It feels so right. I never thought I'd be able to say these words to anyone. I wasn't brought up to know what it means to truly love. I know you, of all people, will understand what that's like... But I'm sure. I've never been this sure about anything in my life.
I don't know if you'll be able to forgive me. I'd be the happiest man in the world if you did. Even if we were to stay just friends. But I'd understand if you wanted nothing to do with me. I'd spend the rest of my life hating myself for what I did, but I'd understand.
Sirius
Claudia run her fingers along the underlined 'I love you'. As she did that, she noticed a tear landing on the parchment. And then another. She was not angry or sad, though. These were happy tears. She was relieved. She was not just another girl to him. Sirius loved her. He was a complete idiot, but he loved her.
Claudia wiped her eyes and began reading the letter again. She frowned when she got to the part about Regulus. Sirius' suspicion was right. It must have been Regulus who saw them leave the party that day. That was the only explanation for him acting so weird ever since. Claudia cursed under her breath, as she remembered all of Regulus' insensitive remarks directed at her and more recently at Julius.
Suddenly, Claudia heard the curtains opening. The rest of the letter will need to wait for another time. Claudia tried to dry her eyes and hide the letter, but she was too slow. Madame Pomfrey was already standing by her bed.
"Letter from your boyfriend?" The matron asked curiously. Claudia shook her head. She could feel her cheeks burning with embarrassment. "Is it from the one who isn't your boyfriend but has been refusing to leave the hospital wing for three days?" Madame Pomfrey added, sounding somewhat amused. Claudia could not help but blush even more.
"He's still here, you know." Madame Pomfrey added casually, as she checked Claudia's bandages.
"Is he?" Claudia finally found her voice.
"Why don't you have a look for yourself?" Madame Pomfrey replied, smiling encouragingly. "I want you to start moving about anyway." The matron helped Claudia to her feet. Physically, she felt almost back to normal now. But emotionally, she was as much of a mess as always.
Claudia found Sirius sitting in the far corner of the hospital wing and slowly lowered herself to sit down on the floor next to him. He could barely look at her.
"You utter, utter moron..." Claudia began. "You broke up with me because your mother would approve?"
"I know." Sirius said, hiding his face in his hands again. "I let her get to me too much."
"It's not even that." Claudia replied. She could not help but giggle a little when she remembered how she thought about doing the same to Julius in the summer. Except she did not. Because it would have been the stupidest thing to do. "Do you really think your mother would like me if she got to know me?" She added.
"No, she would not." Sirius chuckled briefly. He looked straight into Claudia's eyes and his face froze. He looked like he wanted to say something but just could not find the courage or the right words. So instead, they sat in total silence. It was getting awkward.
"Very eloquently written..." Claudia whispered, turning the letter in her hand.
"Can't take credit for that. The words are all Felix." Sirius whispered back.
"And the sentiment?" Claudia asked timidly. "Is that also all Felix?"
"The sentiment is all me." Sirius replied, and tentatively raised his hand towards Claudia's face. She did not move away.
Sirius picked up lock of her hair between his finger and placed it behind Claudia's ear. His hand then travelled down until it reached the base of her neck. They looked deep into each other's eyes. Sirius leaned in to kiss her. Their lips touched for a second or two... Or three. It was impossible to tell. There was more chemistry packed into that one moment than her entire relationship with Julius.
Julius! Claudia remembered.
"Sirius…" She whispered and pulled away slightly. It took all the inner strengths she had. "I have a boyfriend."
"He isn't good enough for you." Sirius whispered back.
"And you are?" Claudia asked, gently pushing him slightly further away.
"I love you…" Siris replied, looking somewhat flustered. "And call me cocky, but I think you feel the same way about me."
Claudia said nothing. How could she have? She was still very confused about all of it. She spent months pretending that her feelings for Sirius either did not exist or were just a crush that would eventually go away. But maybe it was love.
Then, she remembered last Christmas. The pain that he caused her. Months of pain for one brief moment of happiness. How could it ever be worth it again?
"Tell me you don't love me, and I'll never bring this up again." Sirius continued, seeing the hesitation on Claudia's face. "We'll forget this whole business and go back to being friends."
"You broke my heart." Claudia finally managed to utter. "I trusted you and you broke my heart."
"I understand." Sirius said, attempting a smile.
"I'm not saying no. I just need time to process all of this." Claudia continued.
There was a long pause. A painfully long pause.
"Do you have to go?" Claudia said finally when she noticed that Sirius began to get up. Her voice sounded touch too desperate for her liking.
"Is that your stubbornly independent way of saying you want me to stay?" Sirius smirked.
"Maybe…" Claudia uttered. She did not particularly like it, but he was right. She would hate to be there alone.
Sirius offered Claudia his hand and helped her get up from the ground. They walked slowly back towards Claudia's hospital bed. As she climbed into bed, she suddenly felt exhausted again.
"Thank you." Claudia whispered, as she curled up on her side.
"For what?" Sirius asked.
"For ignoring my wishes and not letting them kill me." She replied, her eyes closing.
"I know better than to listen to you when you're angry." Sirius repeated her own words to her. Claudia was now half-asleep, but that still made her chuckle.
"Besides, I'd rather die than let them hurt you again." Sirius added.
"Stop being so dramatic." Claudia exhaled. Sirius reached out for her hand and squeezed it. That was the last thing she felt before falling asleep.
Claudia did not wake up till the morning. When she did open her eyes, she saw Sirius curled up in the armchair. But this time, he was sleeping. She watched him for a bit. His chest slowly rising and falling with every breath. It made him look peaceful. Claudia could have continued for hours, thinking about his letter. Alas, Madame Pomfrey came in and woke him up.
"I think you're well enough to leave the hospital wing." The matron said as she checked Claudia's bandages again. "You should get down for breakfast. The food will do you good."
"Go and get some proper sleep." Claudia said to Sirius when they found themselves alone again. "I'll be fine. No one is going to try to kill me in the Great Hall." Claudia added when she saw him hesitate.
"I'm not going to lie. A bed sounds pretty good to me right now." Sirius replied, smiling. "Promise me you'll be careful though. For real, this time!" He continued. Claudia chuckled. Sirius telling her to be careful will never not be funny.
When she stepped over the threshold of the Great Hall, everyone felt silent and looked in her direction. Then, as one, they all began to whisper. She knew exactly who they were whispering about, and she did not like it. Not one bit.
Julius got up from the Slytherin table and virtually run towards her.
"How are you feeling?" He asked.
"Been better… But also, a lot worse." Claudia joked but Julius frowned. This was obviously still no laughing matter to him.
They sat down to breakfast in silence. Claudia did not mind. She suddenly realised she was starving. She reached for the baked beans and poured an enormous serving onto her plate. Now some bacon.
"I need talk to you about something." Julius said, fidgeting.
"What is it?" Claudia sighed. She knew what was coming. The fight he had with Sirius in the hospital wing was still fresh in her memory. But she no longer blamed him for being jealous. Not after what happened last night. Even Madame Pomfrey thought that Claudia and Sirius were being obvious.
"My parents want me to go to America over Christmas. They want to take me out of school early." Julius began. Claudia was relieved. That conversation, she could handle.
"Sounds wonderful." She said with a smile.
"The problem is. I'm supposed to be going tomorrow morning." Julius continued. "Are you sure you're going to be ok?"
"I'll be fine." Claudia nodded.
"I'm happy to stay." Said Julius. He was starting to sound rather insistent.
"You should go." She said, firmly. "America is going to be great."
"Your parents should take you out of school early too." Julius replied, frowning ever so slightly. "I'm sure the Headmaster would allow it."
"I wonder why they haven't written yet." Claudia scowled. "Slughorn must have told them about what happened." She did not much care about the lack of empathy, but it was unseemly. And Cassandra hated unseemly. They better not be coming to pick her up. Just the thought of that made Claudia shudder.
For the rest of the day, everyone kept staring at Claudia. Everyone gossiped in hushed voices whenever they thought she could not hear them. It was just like her first year and the nasty squib rumours all over again.
Severus was nowhere to be seen. Claudia did not see him in the Great Hall, their classes, or the common room. Sirius' suspicion must have been right. There was not really any other explanation.
Between all the gossiping and a potentially murderous classmate, Claudia had had enough. She snuck into Slytherin's apartments to hide from it all. She had a lot of homework to catch up on and there was no better place to do that in peace.
But her brain was not working as fast as usual. Her mind kept flipping back to the conversation with Dumbledore, her rapprochement with Alice and, of course, the letter from Sirius. She took it out of her pocket and read it again.
She lied down on Slytherin's bed and closed her eyes. Of all people in the school, Sirius Black loved her. She could hardly imagine anything more unlikely. She was still terrified of getting hurt again. But it made her smile. She could not stop replaying their brief kiss in her head until she fell asleep.
"Damn." Claudia whispered when she woke up and glanced at her watch. She slept through dinner. Madame Pomfrey would not have been too pleased.
Claudia packed up her things and hastily made her way back to the common room. She did not imagine the Headmaster would be particularly impressed that she broke the curfew the day after she was released from the hospital wing.
When she got there, the common room was almost empty. Julius was sitting on the sofa, scowling and making the flames on a candle jump up and down.
"Where have you been?" He asked abruptly. The caring mannerism of the morning was gone. "Studying for alchemy again, I suppose". He added, icily.
"I wasn't." Claudia barked back at him. "I just have quite a lot of homework to catch-up on. And fell asleep doing it."
"I'm leaving tomorrow morning." Julius said, still frowning. "I thought we might have dinner together. Or at least hang out."
"Stop being so needy!" Claudia sighed. She was tired and in no mood to justify herself. After all, she did nothing wrong. Well, at least not this afternoon.
"Needy?" Julius growled at her. "All I want is a girlfriend who will at least pretend she cares about me! Is that so much to ask?"
"Well, then you'll need to find someone else." Claudia hissed. "Because I can't do this anymore." She added, marched towards the girls' dormitories, and slammed the door behind her.