A/N: Slight genderbent AU, where I just turned whoever I wanted female while keeping some characters male. The only named characters affected are the knights (Julius, Felix, Reinhard, Al), and Cecilus (Blue Lightning) No other genders are changed apart from theirs, however. Adelheid is the official name for Reinhard's female counterpart or something.
Also, despite going through Adelheid's point of view, I'm not bothering with writing vague things such as Sword God dialogue. Not nearly experienced enough in lore to even begin with that.
After-story Edit: THIS IS THE LOWEST QUALITY THING I'VE EVER WRITTEN I SWEAR TO GOD
What it Means
A nightmare.
A nightmare that one couldn't wake up from, no matter how desperately they struggled. Held as a prisoner in an all-consuming void, that seemed to eat away and corrode at its' prisoner, taking every piece of their body, mind, and soul.
Despite how empty it was, however, it was not merciful enough to grant simple torture in silence. No, almost like a torrential rain, a cacophony of voices flooded the space, loud and brash, drowning out one another endlessly.
All of them were sickeningly venomous, forcing some sort of feeling that was like poison even further into the veins of the prisoner they continuously mocked. There was no reprieve – they only continued to incessantly batter and bash the helpless victim of their toxicity.
Some sounded familiar, while some were barely recognizable, like faces in some distant, lost memory. They started out unintelligible, but over time, each and every word that these voices were speaking became more and more easy to understand, despite how much the prisoner didn't want to understand them.
"You're a damn murderer! Everything is all your fault! Why the hell were you even born, you damn monster?!"
"Taking on the appearance of the woman you're responsible for killing...just looking at you makes it hard to keep on living."
"The most worth you can provide is just hurrying up and getting married. Hopefully whatever filth you spawn ain't gonna be as disgusting as you. Feel sorry for whatever poor bastard is gonna have you as a mother, though."
"While you're alive, you need to live up to the Astraea name. It's a shame that you are even bearing it, but I won't let the family which my wife worked so hard to preserve be tarnished by her killer."
"From this day forward, you are not _, neither are you a woman, or a regular citizen. You are the Sword Saint – the ultimate weapon of our Kingdom. You are hereby forbidden from ever setting foot outside of our borders."
More and more, these words continued blending together, turning into a mess of barely understandable words that spun around and around, destroying any sense of reality inside of this void, that had become something more like a hellish prison.
A monster...the Sword Saint...a murderer...a weapon...there was nothing in those words that indicated who the prisoner was. All they could wonder was who they were...even the slightest indication of their identity, their gender, had been entirely stripped from them by one of the voices.
Who were they? What was their role? What was their name?
None of the voices that chose to cruelly torture them would answer any of these questions, only leaving them to suffer in the darkness with nothing but their mocking words as their only company.
However, if only for a moment, a small respite eventually came. The chaotic symphony of voices receded, leaving the prisoner in the silent void, with nothing but their own thoughts.
"I know who you are."
A voice spoke up, much gentler and kinder than the rest. The prisoner did not know who this voice belonged to, but at the same time, it felt so very familiar – its' entire existence felt like a contradiction in and of itself.
This voice...it was the most familiar voice that the prisoner felt they had heard during the entire long, seemingly infinite stretch of time they spent here, but similarly, it was so distant...almost barely recognizable as something in their memories.
'Who am I?'
"You're a monster, not even deserving of a name. All you can do is continue living up to the title of 'Sword Saint'."
The moment the prisoner heard these words, it was as if the shackles on them fell off, as the entirety of their existence was consumed by the devouring darkness in the void.
It was obvious why the voice sounded familiar.
Of course.
It was my voice.
Adelheid van Astraea, no, the Sword Saint woke up in her bed, covered in sweat from top to bottom. Her striking blue eyes stared forward at the wall opposite her, sitting up in a stationary position she did not – or perhaps, simply, could not move from.
Early morning sunshine was shining through the blue curtains pulled over her windows, half-illuminating the dim room that she was within.
'Once again, that nightmare…' Her thoughts trailed off, as if coming to a complete halt.
She had been having this same, repetitive nightmare for perhaps years now. No matter what she attempted, it would simply not go away. But that was fine.
After all, the Sword Saint should be used to these kinds of trivial things. Why would she ever complain?
With a dismissive sigh, the Sword Saint threw her sheets off of her, and decided to go about her regular morning routine.
First was her daily 30 minutes of exercise – of course, with a body and blessings like what she had, exercise was really nothing but a formality, considering she would probably never become truly 'out of shape', but it was something that she did not for any true benefit, instead, simply for herself.
The Sword Saint needed to consistently be doing something, anything which would make her feel as if she was working towards a goal. At the very least, she didn't wish to feel as if she were doing nothing but carelessly wasting time.
At the very least, it was a healthy way to begin the day.
Then of course, there were the things that practically every person went through in the early morning. Bathing, getting herself clothed (which, today, didn't include her formal guard uniform, considering she was off-duty, instead wearing the robes provided to her as a royal knight of the Kingdom), and lastly, taking care of her hair.
The girl came to stand in front of a small golden mirror situated on her nightstand, one that she always consulted when choosing her hairstyle. It was a gift to her, given to her as a little girl from her mother, Louanna, when she was too young to even remember her.
And as if contrasting it, there was an image of her grandmother, the previous Sword Saint, sitting besides it. In some ways, she looked almost identical to the current Sword Saint, with only a few key differences...and that was the image she had to work on changing the most, every morning.
Her father hadn't placed the picture there for no reason, after all.
For a few minutes, the Sword Saint fiddled with her hair, a practice she had never been too good at, even with the guidance of some of her friends. She pinned it down in a long ponytail swept to the side, with a simple small, black, hairpin.
Of course, there were more fanciful hairpins she had, especially one she had received from one of her friends who had instructed her in matters of hair-care, Ferris...unfortunately, it was shaped into a very noticeable, vibrant blue flower.
And of course, looking at her grandmother's picture...she had always been a woman who loved flowers, to the point of having them in her hair.
With a pointed gaze, the Sword Saint considered switching out the hairpin, only for her grandfather's words to strike her, words that continued to be thrown at her from the prison that had been her dream.
"Taking on the appearance of the woman you're responsible for killing...just lookin-"
"No. Perhaps some other day." As always, she rejected the idea of the accessory, instead putting it in a drawer in the dresser, where she wouldn't have to confront it again until the sun once again rose.
She spent a few more minutes inspecting herself in the mirror, making sure that her appearance was properly distinguished from her grandmother's, and with a nod of satisfaction, she headed for the last object she needed to finish her routine – the Dragon Sword Reid, propped up against the side of her bed.
As always, it took its' natural place at her hip, her hands resting atop the hilt. It felt as natural as ever...as much as that simple fact pained her.
Without anything else in mind, the fully-prepared Sword Saint headed off to the dining room, to have her breakfast, which was undoubtedly already prepared for her.
As she walked the empty halls of the Astraea manor, she didn't see the twins, Carol, or Grimm around, so she just assumed they were off somewhere doing work. Of course, her father was not around, either...however, that was not a surprising fact.
Especially not while the Sword Saint was still present within the manor.
"Maybe I'll consider bein' home more when you're finally married off and out of my fuckin' hair, you monster."
"…"
The Sword Saint remained silent on her walk to the dining room, not even bothering to look up at the many pictures of her family members that adorned the halls.
She did not deserve to meet any of their gazes.
Of course, it wasn't long until she reached the dining room. It was only a few seconds away from her room, after all. Ignoring how the trip had felt much longer, the Sword Saint strode into the dining room.
And as always, it was empty, with nothing but her food, probably freshly prepared only a few minutes ago sitting on the table, covered up.
Her father was not here. None of the servants were ever here, considering they woke much earlier than her, and by the time she awoke for dinner, they were already off doing other tasks...and so, the Sword Saint sat down at the table, all by herself.
Again, this wasn't anything new. Most of her mornings were spent alone like this, from her waking up, to eating her breakfast.
It was a fairly uneventful moment, spent over a few boring minutes in uneventful silence. After finishing, the Sword Saint went ahead to do some early morning training with the sword – which mostly consisted of warming up her already razor-sharp instincts to prepare herself for the day by simulating opponents to fight against in her mind.
She never meant to, but for some reason, the girl was always able to see the image of her antagonistic, hateful grandfather...no, she knew he was a reasonable man, he only acted that way towards the things in his life which he scorned.
And the Sword Saint knew, she was barely below the White Whale on the list of the things in this world her grandfather most despised.
After finishing her early morning training, wiping a bit of sweat from her brow, the Sword Saint decided that it was time to make her way out to the city. Of course, she was out of duty, so she was free to spend her whole day at home...but she just couldn't.
Call it her own instincts, a premonition, or perhaps the will of the Sword God guiding her – the Sword Saint just knew it was time to leave the mansion, and head out to the city.
There was no complaints from her, as she left the estate right through the main gates, not even bothering to look back at the place she called 'home'.
She only wished she could have seen the servants around more today…
As always, it was an incredibly busy, unbearable day in the royal capital of Lugunica. The sun was bearing down on the hot brick-paved streets, the heat only made worse by the swathes of people consistently passing through.
Merchants were off on the side selling their wares, regular citizens were moving from to or fro, either buying items, heading to work, or spending their own free time however they wished, just as the Sword Saint was.
However, for as 'free' as the Sword Saint was, she found herself patrolling in a perfectly monotonous manner just as she had been inspected, her senses raised, and her eyes steeled like a hawk for anything out of the ordinary.
On the inside, however, she was much less composed.
She let out an exasperated sigh, which barely changed her expression, despite how much emotion she was letting out. For a moment, the Sword Saint wondered if 'doing her duty' like this was all she was capable of.
When was the last time she'd had free time like this? Yet, here she was, wasting it away by acting like a guard while being officially off-duty.
If her friends were here, they surely would have a few things to say to her.
Ferris, the excitable fashionista she always would, would probably take the chance to drag her out somewhere, either for shopping, or for a 'girls night out', as she called it. She was always a bundle of energy – and far more feminine than the Sword Saint could ever consider herself being.
And Julia no likely would have taken the opportunity to give the Sword Saint some lessons on etiquette, which she probably would never be able to fully escape. No matter how many of Julia's talks and 'lessons' she endured, it seemed that the depth of her fellow knight's knowledge on the proper demeanor and actions of a noblewoman was infinite.
Still, for how quirky the both of them could be, the Sword Saint missed their company nonetheless. After all, without their guidance, all she was good for was wandering around with no idea what she truly wanted to do for herself...just like the situation she was in now.
After all, Ferris and Julia – two incredibly respected knights in their own rights, were two of the most important people in her life. They were the only two people she could really call 'friends'. Allies who had known her from childhood.
However, both of them were incredibly occupied by a new, temporary duty that called all of their attention – they were knights to official Royal Candidates. Julia serving the up-and coming merchant, Anastasia Hoshin, while Ferris, of course, served the woman who her heart always belonged to – Duchess Crusch Karsten.
"Still, it's a shame…" Adelheid murmured to herself, shedding her stoic facade for but a second, an incredibly saddened look showing on her face.
Without those two at her side as friends, she felt much less confident about nearly everything around her in general...both of them were important friends to her not just due to their care, but how they had changed her life.
Ferris had met both Julia and Adelheid when she had first become a knight, herself. She had been discriminated against for her demihuman blood, and her physical weakness, but neither of them were the type to use such foolish actions to look down upon a person striving to become a knight.
And Ferris, after becoming close with Adelheid, had whipped her into shape. The small frown on her face gave way to a slight smile, as she remembered those days…
With the absence of anyone to teach her otherwise, Adelheid had grown incredibly tomboyish. She didn't care much for her hairstyle, any true femininity was utterly gone from her heart and mind.
Not to mention, she had found that acting that way kept her grandfather and father's piercing stares off of her much more. The more differently she acted from her grandmother, the better – Adelheid had learned that very early on.
Yet, Ferris took the time to correct that entirely. Ferris instructed her on every part of her femininity – dressing more freely, taking the time to properly style her hair, going over things like skincare, what products to use, the places to visit and things to do...Adelheid, as she was now, wouldn't exist without Ferris' – who so freely embraced every part of her feminine side – the side that Adelheid had learned to reject out of necessity.
Then there was Julia...the one known as the 'Finest Knight', a title that she had gained for a proper reason. She was exceptional, not only as a swordswoman, but as a noble. Everywhere, she was regarded for her fine manners, proper appearance, yet deadly and precise skill with the sword.
Adelheid regarded Julia almost as one would regard a fine, tempered blade. She was a person who worked hard to consistently improve every single aspect of herself, no matter how perfect she came off, already.
If Adelheid was hard on herself, then Julia placed herself to an even higher level of perfection. And naturally...someone like Adelheid, whose manners mostly came from the few tutors she received, and her own interactions with fellow nobles, had much to learn from her.
Ferris had taught Adelheid to be a 'girl', while Julia had taught her to be a 'lady'...both were parts of herself that wouldn't exist without them.
But now...they were both working away for the candidates that they served all day, every day. There were barely any moments for the three of them to meet and spend time together, as they had used to.
Not to mention...both of their hearts were entirely focused on the people they were serving.
In a way, Adelheid was happy for them, just as any friend should be happy for their friends being able to find meaning and purpose.
However, at the same time...just thinking of them like this brought her pain.
Adelheid didn't serve anyone or anything, except serving the Kingdom as it's weapon remaining on standby.
Perhaps it would be proper to say that now, all she truly had was the sword at her hip, and the loneliness that she now held in her heart.
"You're a monster, not even deserving of a name. All you can do is continue living up to the title of 'Sword Saint'."
Indeed. She was nothing but the Sword Saint.
Adelheid's smile disappeared from her face, and the stoic look of the Sword Saint replaced it, her eyes regaining the hawk-like movement they had in assessing the street and area around her for any possible dangers.
Her senses, their sharpness maximized, were not only capable of picking up of any illicit activity possibly occurring around her...but also of the gazes of people staring at her. Whispers filtering through the crowd, and people's glances at her, scanning over every aspect of her.
The Sword Saint resisted the urge to fall back into her previous thoughts.
She felt as if she were some rare animal on display in captivity, and with every step she took through the capital, that feeling only worsened. Some were even subtly moving away from her whenever she neared them, filtering around her like she could lash out at any moment.
As much as she wished to remain neutral-looking, however, her expression slightly twitched downwards, barely resisting the urge to turn into a frown.
Before having any more time to dwell on the rising feelings of discomfort and dissatisfaction within her, however, the Sword Saint's sharpened senses picked up on a distant wailing sound – the sound of someone crying out for help – calling out for a guard.
She was off-duty...but right now, and forever more, the Sword Saint was not someone who should ever ignore a call for help. And even without her title, Adelheid would not leave a person to fend for themselves when they were possibly being attacked.
Without taking care for how she appeared, the Sword Saint bolted in the direction of the call, moving faster than any eyes in the crowd could trace her.
"That's enough."
With those two simple words, the Sword Saint had sent the three thugs she found in the alleyway running for their lives. It wasn't a surprising reaction – almost anyone who knew who she was would rather run away than face the possibility of becoming her opponent.
The only person who she knew would willingly face her head-on was that battle-crazy blue-haired female swordsman from Vollachia. It had only been a few months, but she still vividly remembered her 'rematch' with that Blue Lightning, Cecilia.
She let out a deep sigh, the mere memory tiring her.
Putting such thoughts aside, the Sword Saint turned her attention to the only person remaining in the alleyway – a boy with unusually sharp brown eyes, and surprising-to-see black hair.
She wondered for a moment if he was a native of Gusteko, but the even more odd clothes that he was wearing put that aside instantly. The Sword Saint had set foot in almost every place in the world, and had met people from practically every culture...but this was the first time she'd seen such clothes in her entire life.
The Sword Saint took a few steps towards the boy, who just silently watched her with a mesmerized stare, unmoving. Considering the lack of guilt or fear on his face, it was easy to tell that he must have been the person who had called for help.
Every time the Sword Saint faced a situation like this, she had to prepare herself.
She would rather end this encounter with a cordial exchange of thanks, but it was her duty to check on this person before just leaving him Not to mention, she was still unsure of whether he was completely out of danger – beyond her duty to the citizens as the Sword Saint, and a guard, she, personally, had to make sure he was okay.
The Sword Saint placed a hand over her chest, affixing him with her unwavering gaze.
"...I apologize for using intimidation to scare off the people who were bothering you. Are you fine?"
Expecting a polite, measured response in kind from the boy in front of her...the Sword Saint was surprised as he let out a big sigh of relief, rubbing the back of his head as he spoke.
"Maaaan...you really saved me there! I would have been toast if it wasn't for that super-badass showing you put on there!" He grinned.
To put it lightly, the Sword Saint was taken aback by his demeanor. No, to put it heavily, she was utterly confused by the way he acted, to the point where she wasn't sure if he was even real.
Her polite demeanor absolutely broken, all she could do was stare at him in a silent shock for a moment, though her near-expressionless face didn't betray much of that emotion.
"Ah…"
"But still, it just doesn't feel right talking to you without even thanking you properly, so…" He took a deep breath, giving her a more expected response – a polite bow of his head. "It is my pleasure to meet you! I am known as Natsuki Subaru, might I know what your name is?"
Still, despite him taking on the formal tone she'd been expecting, it sounded utterly clumsy, like he was speaking formally to someone for the first time.
More importantly, however...was the fact that he didn't even seem to be aware of her name?
She was utterly bewildered. The last thing that she was was prideful, but the Sword Saint was sure that even if people didn't know her by name, they knew how she was described – and there was only one sword in the entire world that fit the description of the one at her hip.
Yet, this young man, who looked more than old (and educated enough, with how brightly he spoke) to know such trivial, everyday facts...seemed entirely unaware of who she, the possibly strongest person alive, was.
"My name is...Adelheid van Astrea. The current Sword Saint of the Astrea family." Her words came out cautious, uncertain, slow. At the very least, even if he didn't know her, he would have instantly recognized who she was upon hearing her name, along with her family name.
But even then, he...smiled?
"I see! Happy to meet you, Adelheid-san!" He said, grinning while rubbing the back of his head. Rather than stiffening up, he just seemed to relax entirely. "Man, am I happy to finally get the name of a cute girl for the first time! Considering the last one was a total fake…" His shoulders drooped a little bit at that last part, depressed at some memory that the Sword Saint...no, that Adelheid didn't know.
However, she wasn't focused on deciphering what experiences the boy had been through right now – she didn't even process the obvious compliment he gave to her...what she was focused on was the fact that every word he had been speaking was completely and utterly…
"Genuine…?" She murmured, in a voice barely audible. Subaru blinked at her whisper, looking at her in confusion.
"Huh? What was that, Adelheid-san? Something bothering' you?"
His questions didn't even register. No, it was just too strange.
Her Divine Protection of Wind Indication didn't sense a single lie from anything the boy had said. And beyond that, her steeled instincts were telling her that he had absolutely no malice or negative true implications behind his words.
At first, she was suspicious, and cautious...now she was feeling confused...but the more and more she thought about this boy's pure, almost naive feelings towards her...she couldn't help but find it funny.
Funny enough to let out a loud, mirthful laughter, her voice as light as the air itself that it traveled on.
It was the first time in her life that she laughed so genuinely, from the bottom of her heart.
"Oi, oi, what's funny?" Subaru asked, eyebrows raising in surprise. Adelheid wiped a tear from her eyes, shaking her head.
"Don't mind me. It's nothing...Subaru." She smiled brightly, taking a few steps closer towards the boy, only to put a hand on his shoulder. "There's no need to be so formal, either. Just call me Adelheid! Okay, Subaru?"
The boy almost turned red at how close she had stepped to him, obviously unused to someone suddenly having such closeness to him, both physically and at the sudden use of first names without any honorifics.
"U-Uh...yeah, of course. Uh...Adelheid."
"Good!" She smiled, clearly pleased at the boy's casual usage of her name. "Now then, you were the one calling for help, correct? I do have to make sure."
"Well, yeah." Subaru managed to straighten up, answering the girl's question. "But still, you're...a guard, Adelheid-san? To be honest, I expected more of a gruff-looking guy, rather than a cute girl."
The knight laughed lightly, taking a step back and looking down at herself. "I suppose I do get that a lot. Unless you're aware of my title, I'm not quite intimidating...and I'm out of uniform for my regular guard duty." She explained, looking back up at Subaru. "But I assure you, I'm a proper guard nonetheless."
"I see…" He hummed, putting a hand to his chin, his eyes trailing down to look at the sword Adelheid had at her hip. "Before those guys left, they called you something else, though...the 'Sword Saint'? What's that all about?"
At Subaru's mere mention of her official title, Adelheid's smile seemed to falter a bit, but she dismissed it, shaking her head while managing the best she could to stop her smile from turning into a full frown.
"It simply means that I am the current Sword Saint of the Astrea family. It is...quite the heavy position of responsibility. It wouldn't be an exaggeration that the expectations of my family come close to crushing me every day," She admitted, her voice tinged with a slight bitterness.
The boy in front of her looked at her with worry one wouldn't expect for a total stranger, before shaking his head, replying to her words in a low voice.
"In that case, it's a waste."
Adelheid looked up at him in surprise, wondering what the boy was leading up to in his unfinished-sounding words.
"A...waste?"
Subaru nodded at her question, looking right at her with those sharp eyes of his.
"That's right, a huge waste! I don't know just how important this whole 'Sword Saint' business is, but why would people ever do something to make a cute girl like you put such a sad smile on her face? It's just not right!" The boy huffed, speaking this indignation as if it were an offense of the highest order.
Understandably, Adelheid was, once again, entirely taken back by Subaru's brazen, bold words. Yet, without even realizing it, she felt heat building on her cheeks, as they turned red.
"You...find me 'cute'? I assure you that while I'm much more than a simple 'cute' girl...after all, the Sword Saint is not allowed to have such labels-"
"Yeah, yeah, I get it. But when I say stuff like that, I mean it, 100%! Even up to the way you look like you're trying to deny the compliment so desperately…" The boy folded his arms, continuing to nod his head. "That's cute, too. You're strong, nice, and you were helpful enough to stop by and help a stranger like me when you're not even on duty...even if you don't just want all that boiled down to being a 'cute girl', I have to be real with my compliments, or I'm just gonna feel bad!"
Adelheid's blush became even brighter, but almost automatically, she suppressed it, her expression fading from one of shock and embarrassment into her usual neutral smile, with a clearing of her throat.
"Well, regardless...is there anything else you required help with, Subaru? Considering that I'm off-duty, I wouldn't mind helping you out with anything else you require my assistance for."
Almost instantly, a big smile came to Subaru's face, a hopeful glint appearing in his eyes, as if Adelheid had just extended him a lifeline that he'd been looking for since forever.
"Really?! Then can you come to the looth-" In the middle of her relieved words, Subaru paused, some sort of grim realization suddenly setting in."Ahh...no, nevermind. I can't ask you to do that."
Adelheid gave him a worried glance, already well-aware that the boy's words didn't indicate how he was actually feeling.
Earlier, when she had tapped him on his shoulder, she had used her Divine Protection of Empathy to further read his feelings – as much as she loathed it, it was something of an automatic Divine Protection. Yet, even if for a brief moment, she was able to sense it...deep within him, there was some feeling of incredible unease that he was harboring.
Something that, when she felt it, had completely overwhelmed her, if only for a second. Some unfathomable feeling that only reminded her of the pain and sorrow that one might possibly experience through death itself...
Whatever he was going through, she knew it wasn't something that he would dismiss help for so easily. And with the reaction he had to her extension of helping him, she knew that he was looking for some way out of it...and he seemed to be unaware of her true capability to help him.
As much as she wanted to interrupt him and unanimously offer her help, she found herself unable to truly say anything.
To her, this boy standing there was a special existence...someone who almost seemed out of this world, for how unusual he seemed, not only in appearance, but in how he treated her. The last thing she wished for was to scare him by being too pushy.
For a moment, she was amazed by how much she seemed to desire a close connection with this practical stranger...but for some reason she couldn't fully understand, she was drawn to him.
And so, all she could do was lower the level of her request.
"I see...then, is there anything else that you might want me to do?"
"Yeah...if possible, could you send a message for me?"
She raised her eyebrows at this sudden change in request. He had suddenly shifted from asking her help for what seemed like some sort of confrontation, to giving a simple message…?
"For who?"
He went on to describe a girl with silver hair and purple-blue eyes, who also wore striking white clothing...to be frank, his words reminded her a lot of the half-elf candidate, Emilia. Of course, Adelheid wasn't one to make assumptions, but there were very few people who fit such specific characteristics around, if any existed besides Emilia.
With her staunch agreement, Subaru then bid Adelheid farewell, walking his way out of the alley to wherever he was in a rush to head to...presumably the 'loothouse' that he had begun to mention.
Watching his back as he left the alleyway, Adelheid found herself subconsciously reaching a hand towards his retreating palm...only for her to retract her hand, giving it a thoughtful gaze, as if trying to discern her own motivations.
After a few silent seconds, she closed her fist tightly, before turning around and leaving the alley in the opposite direction.
Deep inside, she had already overridden Subaru's simple request for a message with her own will. There was no way she was just going to allow that boy to walk into some sort of danger while she was well aware that she could help.
Her destination was obvious – the slums. In her time as a guard, there was only ever one place that came up that could be referred to as a 'loothouse' in the capital, and it was a building located somewhere in the slums, apparently run by a secretive, old giant known as Rom.
The girl's steps were clear and measured. Even if she didn't reach there right away, patrolling the area would be good enough. She had no idea of just what she should be looking out for, but if it was something that was enough to make someone feel fear for their life...she was sure it would be easy to find.
At that time, Adelheid had no idea just how correct her intuition would be.
It had been incredibly surprising when Adelheid saw a girl with golden hair and crimson eyes approach her – tears spilling down her face, and letting out cries for help.
And of course, Adelheid, entirely expecting something like this...accepted right away.
The moment she was led back to the loothouse, only to see Subaru, Emilia, and the Gut Hunter, Elsa Granhiert locked in mortal combat, she had been even less surprised, though still honestly shocked.
Of course, the battle was over the moment she arrived – there was no possible way for nearly anyone in this world to stand up in a 1 on 1 fair fight against the Sword Saint.
Admittedly, the most strenuous part of the battle had been when Subaru had called her a 'monster' shortly after her destruction of the loothouse through her mana-filled sword slash. Of course, the battle had ended without any further incident...or at least, she had thought it would.
Before she even got the chance to speak further with the strange boy, the Bowel Hunter, seeming to supernaturally avoid death, dashed out from the rubble her body should have been lifelessly buried beneath, going for one last vicious attack at Emilia.
And Subaru, seeming to already have expected the woman's nature, moved to protect the girl faster than the rest of them could hope to react, blocking her at the last second.
She'd been forced to retreat after missing this final chance to take out the half-elf, departing in an almost cowardly manner.
Adelheid felt incredibly guilty for even letting the woman get back up. To be fair, she hadn't held back at all – she threw enough power at the Bowel Hunter to kill her, with the intent to end her life with no hesitation. Yet somehow, she survived.
In some way, it was obvious that nobody could have expected such a bizarre turn of events, but still, Adelheid blamed herself. Of course, she'd realized the Bowel Hunter was moving, but the assassin had such an insane level of speed, and Adelheid was much too far away from the two to reach them quick enough to protect them.
Due to her lacking power, she had almost cost the loss of a life, and one of a Royal Candidate, at that. She wondered, for a moment, if she would have failed the people of this country by making them lose yet another possible ruler...
However, Subaru, despite being the one to nearly lose his life, took the event in stride, in a way that Adelheid found almost unusual. Rather, he didn't even seem to want anything of true value in return for him saving Emilia's life.
Instead, he asked only for one thing – her name.
And receiving it, he seemed so emotional – like the burden of a lifetime had finally been lifted off of his shoulders. Watching the two of them sharing such a beautiful moment together, Adelheid admittedly felt yet another odd feeling rising in her chest. Immediately, she recognized it. It was jealousy.
She knew it was an ugly emotion to have, one that a person like her shouldn't hold...but it was uncontrollable, that feeling sprung forth from her heart like a fountain.
As far as she knew, both of them were utter strangers, just like she was with Subaru. Emilia didn't even seem particularly close with the boy...so why was it that they were able to share such a genuine, heartfelt laughter like that?
She wouldn't even have time to contemplate the answer to her question, as the three of them soon came to a deft realization about the final skirmish with the Gut Hunter – Subaru was not so unscathed after all.
Almost as if the world itself had forgotten about it, a wound on his stomach opened at a delayed timing, the boy falling over with a large amount of blood erupting from his body.
Thankfully, Emilia was, at the very least, able to stabilize him...but he still needed a proper healer, considering that his organs and insides themselves were likely considerably messed up from a direct slash from such a sharp, curved blade.
Adelheid wanted to get help for Subaru first, but almost as if fate was cursing her, something much more pressing came to her eyes. The golden-haired girl, who seemed almost like a ghost image of the now-deceased royal family...had made the insignia glow.
The insignia that proved, without a doubt, that she was the fifth royal candidate that the Kingdom of Lugunica was waiting for. A candidate that Adelheid could dedicate herself to – one that would allow her to fulfill her duty as a knight properly.
Yet, there was Subaru, the boy that she couldn't decide would be someone who would change her life...someone who, as far as she could tell, was almost one of a kind in this world.
It seemed as if she almost being told to choose one or another – that she should either choose to pursue the feelings in her chest that the currently unconscious boy was causing to rise, or the choice of duty that was finally at her feet, the choice to possibly right a wrong that had been caused by her own lack of power years ago.
Was it even a real question?
Of course it wasn't...Adelheid was the Sword Saint before anything else, after all.
And as the Sword Saint, she immediately chose to take the girl who was a possible missing member of the Royal Family with her.
However, where she might have made some other choice to leave the boy in the hands of Emilia, who he seemed to be so close to...the Sword Saint...no...Adelheid, made one of the few selfish choices she had ever made in her entire life.
"...Emilia-sama, if you do not mind, I'll be taking both Subaru and this girl into my care."
She knew it would be incredibly difficult, however...Adelheid couldn't let him go so easily. Seeing the unsure look Emilia gave her, she could tell – if Subaru went to the half-elf's side now, he would likely never look her way again.
Adelheid never thought herself presumptuous enough to monopolize things such as a person's attention, care, or much less, their friendship or love...but...she just knew that if she let Subaru go, there would be no chances for her to ever truly get closer to him.
Not to mention, she was confident that she could get him properly healed. Even if she couldn't call in some help from Ferris, getting access to the better healers in the capital would be an easy task for someone with her last name.
"Well, I did want to bring Subaru to the manor to properly thank him, and to hopefully get him healed by Beatrice, but…" She gave a bright smile to the knight. "If you say that you can take care of him, then I'm reassured that you can handle it, Adelheid-san!"
The girl gave a bow to the candidate, ignoring the guilt now rising in her chest.
"I'm very grateful for your trust. I'll make sure to convey your intentions to him."
For a moment, the two of them looked up to the sky, silently noting the beautiful moon shining above them.
"I hope things can become a little more peaceful after this…though I suppose things are never really too exciting at that mansion." Emilia murmured, an almost melancholic smile coming to her face. "...Would you mind if I came to visit every now and then?"
The Sword Saint shook her head. "Of course not. It is easy to tell that you and Subaru have begun to forge a strong friendship...one that I hope I can make with him, myself."
The silver-haired half-elf giggled, bringing a hand over her lips. "He is like that, isn't he? For the short time I've known him today, he's probably the nicest person I've met so far...even though he can't do nearly as much with that kindness as people like us would be able to. He was here, putting his life on the line, when it took all he had to swing around that clumsy club."
"Indeed, he is very admirable, much more than you would expect from a regular citizen. It is just all the more reason why we must ensure he makes it through tonight."
"That's right!"
Adelheid was unsure of what the future held, but she wondered if she would be capable of gazing at the moon with such peace, with the uncertainty that now laid on the shoulders of everyone present.
...Including even herself.
"Keep up, Felt!"
"You should be the one asking to keep up with me, big bro! The only reason I ain't usin' my full speed is just cause I don't wanna hurt you!"
"I don't know...those sound like the words of a sore, sore, loser…."
"-You! You're on!"
The sounds of two lively voices echoed throughout the manor, as its' two newest inhabitants chased one another around, seemingly with endless energy.
Adelheid let out a sigh, sitting on the edge of her balcony. Despite her sigh, however, an energetic smile was plastered on the girl's face.
Things had become incredibly lively ever since they were brought back. More lively than Adelheid had ever been used to anything being around her.
It had been a few weeks like this, and the slow build up of trust had been a long one, but Adelheid felt like they were all finally in a place to trust one another. Felt, of course, was wary of Adelheid, and to a lesser extent, of Subaru.
However, Subaru seemed to have a knack for getting along with people younger than him – he and Felt had become close enough to mess around like they were now, and the young man even made attempts to bridge the gap between the knight and her newest mistress.
Though, Adelheid sometimes took more charge than Felt in their master-servant relationship. Since the Sword Saint had announced the final candidate's appearance as soon as possible, they only had a few weeks until the Royal Selection was officially called.
And in that time, Adelheid had to give his lady a sufficient crash course in everything she would need to know...of course, Felt was far from conducive to this process, practically hating it, but Subaru came in with a surprising amount of wisdom and ingenuity, again.
Shaking in head in exasperation at the confused Sword Saint, he'd reminded her of an incredibly simple, yet easy-to-forget piece of information.
"She's a royal candidate, but she's just a kid, Adelheid. You can't just put all this stuff down for her to learn and expect for her to want to do it. You've gotta make it interesting!"
With those sage-like words, Subaru set about making Felt actually wish to participate in her studies – to be honest, he was a surprisingly good teacher, for how much he seemed to believe himself incapable. Of course, he could only do so much alone, considering he didn't even know the basic ways to read or write...but together, Adelheid and Subaru made much progress preparing Felt for her official debut.
Half-way, Felt had made probably her first official order since coming to the manor.
"Big bro's not employed or anything, right? And he might leave here after he gets healed...then I've decided. I want big bro to be my official assistant!"
Boldly, the golden-haired candidate had exclaimed this to Adelheid, leaving her with a wide-eyed expression.
"I...I see. Is there any particular reason that you desire bringing on Subaru as your official assistant, Felt-sama?"
Despite wishing to jump at that offer, Adelheid carried her responsibilities as a knight before anything else. She had already made an incredibly selfish act by bringing Subaru as a guest of their house, and she wasn't about to allow herself such a luxury again…
Felt blinked, looking at Adelheid like she had just spoken the strangest words in the world.
"Ain't it obvious? I definitely thought you woulda' felt the same way, Adel. I mean...it would suck to have to say goodbye so fast, right? Big bro's kinda weird, and we've still got no idea where he's from...but he's funny, and smart, and waaaaaay too nice! No way we can just let him go!"
The girl's reasoning was incredibly personal rather than logical, but Adelheid completely understood. After all...before realizing it, somewhere along the way, she had wanted Subaru to stay with them, as well.
And so, she didn't even put up the slightest measure of resistance to her mistress' wishes.
Subaru himself had seemed surprised by the offer, deeming himself extremely undeserving of the position, but with Felt and Adelheid's persistence, he finally had to cave in.
Now, the unusual, but lively boy had become an official part of the 'camp', and their time together through the past few weeks had made Adelheid the happiest she had probably felt in her entire life.
Her piercing blue eyes stared ahead into the dark horizon, assessing the world that always seemed so close, yet so far out of reach. A distance that spanned multiple hundreds of miles, yet a distance that she could easily cross in mere minutes…
Despite that, she always felt like she'd never make it to a horizon like that. That she'd be forever stuck behind everything, alone, and confined to one single role…
To be the 'Sword Saint'. A hero. Someone whose job was to save the day, and nothing else.
But recently...recently…
"Hey, Adel!"
Subaru poked his way into the room, already aware that the Sword Saint inside had no possible chance of getting surprised by him. It was a little rude, but for Adelheid, the concept of being caught off-guard by a person barging into her room didn't really exist.
The knight smiled, turning to look back at the boy as he approached, slowly making his way towards and onto the balcony.
"It is good to see you, Subaru. I assume that Felt-sama has finally been tired out?"
The boy chuckled, nodding in response to the girl's words.
"Yeah, after a few rounds of chasing me around the mansion, that is." He groaned, stretching his hands upwards to the sky. "I swear, that energy of hers is gonna be the end of me someday! How do you handle it almost 24/7, Adel?"
Adelheid giggled, her gaze turning forward as she replied, "I suppose that we're ignoring the fact of you sharing a similar level of energy with Felt-sama, Subaru?" Subaru froze at her words, like a deer caught in headlights.
"Urgh...I can't even say anything back to that…" He hunched over, radiating shame at just how perfectly the Sword Saint had called him out.
The crimson-haired knight just chuckled at his reaction. "And? It isn't exactly out of the ordinary for you to wish to speak to me, but I don't believe you would have come here for no reason, so close to bed time."
"Sheesh, you can always read me like a book, huh?" Subaru perked up, reaching into his pocket for some random item. Adelheid turned around, only to notice that he was holding...a comb? "It's been bothering me ever since I came here...your hair, that is!"
At those words, Adelheid felt an uncomfortable lump form in her throat. Had Subaru's thoughts perhaps been changed my his days living at the manor?
Did his hairstyle bother her just as it bothered her father and grandfather, to the point where the two despised her for being the spitting image of her grandmother, Theresia?
"I…"
She tried to speak, but for the first time, found herself at an utter loss for words.
Perhaps it had been a foolish dream of hers to wish to have but a single person treat her diff-
"There are all kinds of loose ends and messy fringes...if you're doing it yourself, you're really messing it up! As messy as my hair is, even I've got some basic knowledge on how to fix stuff like that!"
Adelheid's expression went from a saddened acceptance, to confusion, and then immediately to surprise, all within the span of seconds.
"I...I see?"
"Then if you see, you've gotta let me work some of the Natsuki hair-styling magic on you! At least just to test it out, for tonight. If it doesn't work out, we can always just have you back to usual for tomorrow morning, yeah?"
…
She couldn't have believed she would've forgotten such a simple fact.
No matter how eccentric Subaru is, he was never someone who would treat her like how her own family seemed to treat her. To him, she wasn't a grand hero, the Sword Saint, or some special, unattainable existence...to him, she was just a 'cute girl'.
A beautiful smile blossomed onto her face, one which seemed to cause the slightest tinge of color to appear on Subaru's face.
"Well...I do have to admit that I am not the best at taking care of my own hair, even with some instructions I've received from a friend of mine. If you won't mind, then…"
She turned around, giving the young man full access to the back of her head. He sputtered, as if finally returning to life, frantically nodding as he made his way behind her.
"Uh, yeah, yeah! I'll get right on it!"
In silence, Subaru began to work on her hair, perfectly smoothing out any kinks, his hands moving deftly and skillfully, to the point where Adelheid felt practically no discomfort, even with how messy her hair was in some places.
"So...I'm kinda curious, how come you're not really that good at taking care of your hair? Considering all the stuff you could do, I thought it would be easy for you to just...wish for a Divine Protection of Hair-styling or something!"
Adelheid giggled, resisting the urge to shake her head at the silliness of Subaru's question. "For the few who are aware of that ability, it is a common misconception...I only receive Divine Protections in situations where I absolutely feel I require them. I can't simply wish for any that I desire."
"But then it makes even less since! I mean, with how beautiful you are, wouldn't it make sense that you'd wanna take good care of your appearance?"
There was a moment of silence...before Subaru, seemingly realizing his casual admittance, blushed and quickly rescinded his words.
"W-Well, I mean, uh-!"
"There's no need to be so flustered. By now I know just how casual you can be with those words of yours, Subaru." Adelheid replied in a low, tone, giving a weak chuckle. Rather than being embarrassed by Subaru's loosely-given compliments, her reaction was rather subdued.
This lack of a reaction worried Subaru, which Adelheid could obviously tell due to his gaze practically burning through her back.
She wishes he would just let it go -
"...What's wrong?"
The girl let out a long sigh. Knowing Subaru, she should have realized it would be foolish for him not to ask such a question, with the sudden change in her mood.
Even knowing Subaru's insistent, well-meaning nature...Adelheid could not find the words to answer him.
She didn't want to. Just like always, Adelheid wanted to keep all of her worries inside of herself – away from hurting or worrying anyone – away from herself...it was a luxury someone like her did not deserve.
But more than anything...she didn't want to push yet another person away from her.
"...What's the real reason you stopped taking care of your hair?" His hands stopped, as he seemingly awaited the answer that seemed to be building itself up inside of her.
Another moment of silence.
"I suppose I don't have any choice." Adelheid murmured, before whispering out a set of inaudible words. Subaru raised his eyebrow silently, only for the Sword Saint to continue. "I...don't deserve it. Repeatedly, I realized that it was foolish to care about such things, when I did not deserve even those simple luxuries in the first place."
Every word that came from the usually strong knight sounded pained, force, as if her voice was grating on her throat.
Her eyes were fixed on the ground, unable to even stare at the horizon anymore, let alone the boy behind her.
"To be called things such as 'cute' or 'pretty' are not words befitting me. And taking meticulous care of my appearance does not especially matter much either, beyond the essentials of hygiene. As for my hair...I do take care of it, but only to the point of avoiding...certain resemblances. It is better that I do just enough to get by. To stand out too much, or to flaunt my appearance would be...it would not be...acceptable."
While she expected an immediate response to what she had said like always, Adelheid was surprised to hear a distinct silence as she had finished speaking, spilling the truth of the beliefs that had been hammered into her by the long years of self-hatred and self-neglect she constantly forced herself through.
Every part of her was carefully managed, her appearance, her mannerisms, her clothing...none of it was allowed to match with the image of the woman she was responsible for killing.
Adelheid had stolen the appearance of the grandmother whose life she had ended. The least she could do was keep herself from tainting the memory of her.
Subaru was quiet, as he thought back to the time he had spent within the manor. There were many pictures of people in the manor, but the most important one seemed to be the portrait of some woman named 'Theresia van Astrea'.
The previous Sword Saint – Adelheid's grandmother. Subaru noted that they both looked incredibly alike, perhaps even to the point of being twins in some other universe. He'd actually wanted to ask Adelheid about the woman, but he'd noticed something.
Everyday, when they passed by that portrait, Adelheid's face would change ever-so-slightly. Actually, the girl almost seemed to make it a point to keep a few feet away from the painting, as if avoiding it. Yet, it didn't seem to Subaru as if she was afraid of it, or angry at the person in the painting...but like she felt guilt.
Unrelenting, impossible guilt, barely hidden behind her mask of immeasurable, inhuman strength.
Without realizing it, Subaru let out a little chuckle, his hands continuing to move as if they had never stopped in the first place.
"...Disappointment." That one word, that single word that Subaru spoke would have made Adelheid's breath hitch, were she not so good at holding back her own emotions. "Disappointment, right? A large disappointment, entirely directed towards yourself. Hating yourself, loathing yourself, despising every single mistake you've made that just continues to disappoint not only yourself, but the people around you...it's easy to tell just what you're thinking, Adel."
Subaru's words dug deep, as if each sound from his lips targeted every worry that had taken root in her mind at once.
"I'm honestly not gonna try to dig too deep and pry into everything you've got going on...I'm kinda a clueless guy, but not that clueless, at least. All I want to say is, I guess…" He scratched his cheek, as if searching for the proper words to speak. "Open up to us a little more, huh? Felt is a little rough around the edges, but I know she at least appreciates the fact that you're taking care of her. I mean, she's gotten pretty into the whole candidate stuff now that we've had the time to convince her! And as for me, well...do you even need to ask if I'm in your corner?"
A small smile made its' way onto Subaru's face. "I don't know if you're living up to the expectations of your family, or to the expectations of your title as a 'Sword Saint'...but right now, I think you've been doing your best for the sake of Felt. And for as much of a useless guy I am, you've done waaaay too much for me, too. So, be a little more proud of yourself, huh? I've said it before and I'll say it again...you're just Adelheid to us. Now and forever."
Adelheid stiffened up at those words, finding a glaring inconsistency in what Subaru had said. However, before she could speak to correct him, she felt a tap on her shoulder.
"Come on, give yourself a look!"
Sighing, Adelheid decided to entertain Subaru's efforts if only for a moment, knowing well that he had likely made such a timely interruption just to draw her away from speaking...but the sight that she saw in the mirror he held in his hand was enough to take her breath away as is.
Her hair seemed almost inhumanly smooth, combed and brushed out in perfection in a way she hadn't seen on herself before. It was like he had condensed hours of hair-care into a mere few minutes of effort.
"See?" He grinned, in a way that practically radiated smugness. "Forget just being cute...you're absolutely beautiful, Adel!"
She couldn't believe that she was actually looking at herself...she figured even Ferris would have trouble making her own hair look this good, let alone hers…
"I...I don't know what to say, Subaru…"
There wasn't any other feeling in her...other than...an odd...odd feeling that, that almost left her close to tearing up. No, if she wasn't used to being so strong all the time, she could sense that she would have broken down into uncontrollable crying, right then and there.
This image of herself, looking so beautiful, yet, so far away from the appearance which her father and grandfather seemed to curse her for – it...it felt so much like….like…
"You don't need to say anything, Adel. Seeing that sort of surprise on your face was enough for me!" He chuckled at her words as if they were utterly silly, looking up into her eyes with a mischievous glint in his. "But, well...if you are offering, there is one thing I want you to promise me."
There was a short pause, with a comfortable, affirming silence coming to rest between the both of them.
"That is...I want you to promise that you'll let me do this for you every day! I've been thinking about it these past few weeks, and there's no way I can just keep letting this injustice go on. So...yes or no?!" Subaru questioned with a snap of his fingers, looking to the Sword Saint with a hopeful gaze.
Again, Adelheid was taken aback by his actions, a shocked expression on her face...before eventually bursting out into pure, unadulterated laughter. Subaru gave a small smile, before joining in with her.
After all, that beautiful laughter of hers, and that radiant smile, as bright as the sun itself, was all the confirmation he needed.
Adelheid realized that she had been right – perhaps she wouldn't be able to so leisurely look at the moon like she once would be able to...but she figured that she would have many, many more times to share nights like this with Subaru, with the moon instead watching over the two of them.
Adelheid woke up in her bed that next morning, expression thinly veiled behind the shadow of the short bangs of her hair.
Her night had been the same as always – her mind haunted by the same nightmare, her senses dulled and worn away at by the voices that continued to torment her...
"Who am I?"
Her voice echoed into the cruel darkness, seeking the answer that she already knew she would give to herself.
However, it was not her own voice which gave her the answer to the question.
Instead, he showed up, his scary brown eyes which, to her were bright and full of warmth, and that ever so vibrant smile on his face.
His presence alone completely shattered the darkness around her, dispelling all of the hatred in that dark place.
"Don't you know, already? You're Adel, who else would you be?"
A bright smile showed on his face...a smile which Adel showed, herself, as she looked out her windows, to the bright morning sun that shone through her windows.
A day in which she would not be the Sword Saint, or the sword-master of the Astrea house...but Adelheid.
Rather than thinking about what it meant to be the hero that everyone seemed to need...perhaps it would just be better to think more about what it meant to be herself?
And as long as he was at her side, Adelheid felt like she would be able to find herself.
A version of herself that even she did not know yet. The version of herself that enabled her to begin her day with a smile, for the first time in years.
She was not any closer to answering her question of what it meant to be the Sword Saint, but that morning, Adelheid van Astrea began to answer the question of what it meant to be herself.