TRIGGER WARNING - Mentions of self harm, suicidal thoughts and abuse. Please read with caution.
why regret something you once wanted?
Maka stood still. Completely motionless. Soul's wine-red orbs bored into her green ones, and they were hard. He was trying to hold back his emotions - Trying to make this easier.
"What - What do you mean?" Maka asked in a quiet, almost inaudible voice. Soul sighed softly.
"I mean what I said. I'm leaving."
"But why?" She asked desperately, her hands clenching into fists at her sides. Soul dropped his head.
"Because, I don't have a choice." He responded quietly, but his voice shook with anger. He winced slightly and Maka's eyes softened.
"What does… What does Oni think of this?"
Soul's head snapped up. He glared darkly at the blonde.
"Don't speak of hi- that like it's a person. It's not real. It's just a fucked-up part of my brain, making me see the worst side of everything. Stop making out that it's some little – little side-kick I have. Like it has some opinion." He snapped; his voice harsh. Maka fell a step back.
"It's not real." He finished, his voice lowering angrily again.
"Okay." Maka responded after a minute's silence. She raised her hands palm up as she took her first cautious step towards him. "Okay. He - It's not real. Just the fucked-up part of your brain. I get it."
Soul lifted his head to look warily at her, before dropping it once more. He nodded. Maka noticed his shoulders slump, and she took another step towards him.
"So, can I know why? Why you're leaving?" Maka asked, her insides were churning. Her mind dropped dangerously low into the cold haze of grief. Her mood shifted threateningly, but she couldn't let it. She had to be there for Soul.
"They're making me," he spat, pulling Maka from her inner turmoil. She frowned in confusion.
"They? You mean Sid and them? Why would they do that? They know you're not ready, they know you don't wan-"
"No, not them!" Soul snapped again, making Maka flinch but he didn't notice. He threw his hands up in frustration and Maka's heart raced with fear. "God, Maka, put the pieces together - It's my parents. Because I've been avoiding them for so long. They're dragging me out of here."
"How? They don't have the right, do they?"
Soul scoffed, shoving his hands in his pockets.
"They have the right to anything. Money makes the world go around, Maka. And they have a reputation. One bad word said against this place by them, and it's gone. Vanished." He made a gesture of disappearance with his hands, letting them remain risen for a moment before dropping them in defeat. Maka felt her throat contract.
"We can do something. Right? We can. I'll talk to Marie, we're fine now and, god knows she'll listen to me!"
Soul was shaking his head before she had even finished.
"You don't get it." He whispered, though his voice echoed in their room. "They're not just going to risk their entire institution for one guy. It this or me, Maka. They fight for me, say I'm not ready, tell them the absolute truth that if I leave now… I'll fuckin' fall apart, then yeah, maybe my parents will get bored and let it go.
"But if they do that, it hurts their stupid pride. It means they're at risk of losing this place. One bad word – If my parents tell anyone, the press or their friends shit like, this place fucked me up even more, made me worse… It's bye bye Abraham Falls.
"Or they can just let me go. Keep helping people get on their feet, get better. They only let loose one mental case into the world, not hundreds. So, they'll be able to sleep at night just fine."
Soul slumped onto the piano seat, running his finger over the polished black, his eyes not meeting Maka's even once since they drew away in the first place.
"Soul," Maka began, her voice shaking as she stood to stand beside the piano, resting her hand on its sleek surface. "Remember that time you gave me a free pass? You know when I asked why you were in the hospital?"
Soul just nodded. Maka swallowed thickly.
"Well, I want to request another one."
Soul rumbled a laugh as he looked up at her, some of his old, playful spark returning.
"That's a rather sizeable request, don't you think?" he teased. Maka offered a small smile, but she didn't want to make jokes right now.
"I just thought maybe you'd be generous. You know - Since you'll be going soon."
Soul sobered up, his smile falling. He nodded in one jerky motion. "Okay. One free pass. Go."
Maka nodded, tilting her head up as if it would make her fears sink out of her so there was only room left for courage. It didn't work.
She took a deep breath before quietly asking: "Why do you hate your parents?"
Soul didn't even respond at first, he just kept running his hand up and down the lid of the piano as if she hadn't said anything. A minute past before she cleared her throat and Soul sighed.
"I heard you," he said when she started to ask if he had heard her. Soul closed his eyes painfully. Maka's chest tightened just looking at him.
"If you must know," he began, breathing out every word. "I hate my parents because they hate me."
He looked back down the to the piano lid as he said the three last words - As if they had no effect on him at all. Maka turned her head in confusion.
"What do you mean, they hate you?" She asked a little too loudly, her voice bounced off the walls like hammers, making Soul wince. "All they ever do is try to see you, go places with you."
"Yeah, to torture me about what I did," he grumbled, glaring up at the ceiling in frustration. Maka took a seat beside him.
"What did you do?" She asked. Soul looked at her evenly.
"I grew up North of the City," he admitted, and the blonde's eyes widened. Soul nodded and looked away.
"Yeah, my family were pretty well off. Well, very well off. My Mum liked the materials in life and that's most likely why she was with my dad. My family are made up of musicians."
Soul scoffed.
"Can't marry someone who isn't musically known and gifted in my family, probably why my Mum and Dad ended up together. And if you had kids, they had to learn an instrument too. My Mum played the harp, and my dad played the flute. When – "
Soul cut off abruptly. Maka frowned in confusion but barely had time to think before he went on.
"When my brother was born," he said in a voice she barely recognised. "They made him learn the violin from the day he could hold a bow. He was gifted in every singly way. Musical genius."
Soul shook his head fondly, but smiled a tight, pained smirk.
"What's his name?" Maka asked quietly. Soul's smile dropped; he turned his head away but carried on.
"Wes. My Mum and Dad adored him. He was everything they wanted him to be. They thought since they did so great the first time 'round they'd give it another go. Two musical geniuses as sons would give them great publicity so I was born when Wes was eleven."
"And you got an instrument too." Maka murmured in realisation, her eyes on the piano.
"Yeah," he breathed. "Piano, obviously. But – Unfortunately for my parents, I didn't go as smoothly as Wes. They got lucky with him. My music… It wasn't what they wanted. I could play, read music and the works. But my family's trait was composing. The reason Wes was so great was, with his music, he could make the audience feel exactly what he wanted them to. And my parents wanted him to amaze them, so he did."
Soul sighed.
"But I – My music was dark, and… scary, I guess. I don't know, I couldn't help it and I couldn't fuckin' stop it. My parents wanted pretty, light, happy and classy music. They wanted me to be like Wes, act like Wes but I couldn't. The music, it- it reflected my mood. The more they told me to act like Wes the more I knew they didn't want me to be me. That made it worse."
Maka resisted the urge to grab his hand.
"I loved Wes." He told her honestly, his eyes lifting to meet Maka's. "He hated what my parents were doing, how they were treating me. I knew they hated me and so did Wes. It hurt Wes more than me 'cause he thought it was all his fault. That was Wes though,"
Soul laughed gruffly and pressed his palms to his eyes.
"He was just so good." He moved his hands from his face. "He couldn't stand anyone being sad, let alone being the reason they were, and he felt he was. And I was the person he loved the most. But he didn't get it, it wasn't him, it was my parents."
Soul took a long shaky breath and Maka's eyes flooded with dread and concern for him. The bad part was coming, and she knew it. She could barely brace herself as Soul hung his head.
"One night I was arguing with my folks," he said. His voice sound so old. And very, very sad. "I told them I didn't want to play the piano. I hated the piano. It was the real reason everything was so wrong. It was the reason my parents hated me, and my brother pitied me. It went on for a while till my dad hit me. He would've got another punch in if it weren't for Wes. He pushed my dad down and dragged me from the house and into his car. I remember,"
His eyes glazed over as he relived the memory.
"I was ten, so Wes was twenty-one. He was crying as he drove, and he held my hand. I remember holding my face, it… hurt. It hurt a lot and that made him cry even more. I remember – He was telling me we were going to leave. That we were going to get away from them and live together in our little house. I'd go to a normal school and have real friends, not stuck-up ones who only liked me for my title. He said he'd pay the bills with teaching kids how to play the violin. He always wanted to teach kids."
The things Soul was saying sounded nice, but his face told a different story. Maka had never seen anyone look so haunted.
"I was so happy." He murmured. "I've never been as happy as I was then. I jumped up in my seat and Wes laughed at me, saying he's never seen me so…"
Soul trailed off, his eyes going blank. He cleared his throat abruptly.
"He lost control of the car. Because of me." Soul went on, his voice completely void of any emotion.
"We crashed and I woke up in the hospital with my parents faces glaring at me. At first, I thought they were worried about me, but they were angry. Wes had died and they blamed me. Obviously, I had to go back with them, and this time I didn't have Wes to protect me. They tried to change me, to shape me into the man Wes was. They said I had to replace him since I killed him."
Soul rolled his eyes and looked up to the ceiling. Then he squeezed his eyes shut.
"They never even let me go to the funeral," he told me, his voice revealing his bewilderment at the fact.
"They said I shouldn't have the right to go since I was the reason that he was dead. That was one of the worst parts," he shook his head angrily.
"So, yeah," Soul finished, shrugging his arms, clearly in attempt to hide his hurt. "That's why I hate them. And that's what triggered my mental disorder. I killed my brother so a demon in my head tells me how disgusting I am every day since now my parents can't."
Maka didn't even know what to say – But that didn't matter since Soul had already stood up. She watched him in surprise.
"Where are you – "
"I answered your question." He said sharply and the blonde frowned as he kept his back to her. "I needed to tell you I was leaving since I knew you'd be upset. I have now, so we can go."
Maka's brow furrowed at his coldness.
"Well – Yes, I'm upset. You're literally the only thing that holds me together."
Soul didn't say anything – She almost wished she could take the words back based on how he was reacting to them.
"I get why they say it now," he ran a hand over his face and turned to face her. "They always say don't do romance in a place like this. It won't help anyone. I didn't get it, but I do now."
Maka stood slowly from the bench to stand across from him.
"What are you talking about?" She asked cautiously. Soul shook his head.
"You rely on me. You rely on me so much and that was fine but – Now I'm leavin' and you won't have me. So, now you're just gonna get worse and I won't be here to – "
He trailed off, looking at her with an expression that was almost annoyed.
"This wouldn't be this way if we hadn't done this." He gestured around the room. "If I had just left you alone and likewise, I would just leave and that would be it. No harm done. But we had to go down that road and just fuck everything up."
Maka could barely comprehend what he was saying. Soul had never treated her like this. He was acting as if he regretted ever having this relationship with her – Whatever it was.
"Soul, you're not – You don't mean that." She managed. Soul's expression didn't change. "You helped me, and I helped you. This will always have been a good thing."
"No," he ran a hand through his hair. "We were too reliant on each other. It was dumb and toxic. Especially in a place like this."
Maka was at a loss for words.
"I shouldn't have pursued you. I should have thought about the consequences, but I didn't." He shrugged. "I'm sorry."
"I'm not," Maka told him as she stepped forward to stand in front of him. He hung his head back before dropping his gaze to look down on her. "You helped me more than anyone. We can find a way out of this – We'll fix it, and you won't have to leave."
"Will you listen to yourself?" He snapped and Maka jumped. "You're just proving my point. You lean on me too much – And I shouldn't have taken this role. One crazy person resting on another is just a recipe for disaster. And you know it."
Maka couldn't believe he just said that. She fell a step away – She thought she saw a flicker of regret in his eyes but that could have just been her imagination. And she sure as hell didn't stay to find out.
"You don't mean that," she managed and Soul pressed his hands over his face in frustration. "I know what you're doing. You're – "
"No, you don't!" he roared, pulling his hands from his face so fast that Maka reeled back, fear tightening her throat.
He saw it that time.
She watched the realisation sink into his face. His mouth fell open, but no words came out.
"Maka," he began, but she didn't want to hear it. Tears filled her eyes, but she turned around before they overflowed.
"Aw, no," he rumbled, his voice pained. Maka heard him move towards her. "No, Maka – "
She didn't give him another second. Maka didn't look back once as she flew from the room, trying to get as far away from that man as possible.