Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.
I watched Blaise's retreating back turn the corner and took off, putting my brain on auto-pilot. No way was I giving myself any more time to wallow in self-pity. I felt like I wasn't even in my own body as I threw myself onto a stool in the Potions classroom.
"You look like you were just run over by a hippogriff, McKinnon," The monotonous voice of Professor Snape snapped me out of my stupor. I glanced around the otherwise empty classroom; lunch must still be going on.
Snape and I had somewhat of a love-hate relationship. He hated that Fred, George, and I always goofed off; I hated that he was such a first class git. But, he did brew Wolfsbane Potion for Remus once a month (after a research project on the potion during 2nd Year I had begged him for weeks to supply it. Eventually he caved after I offered two months of me keeping the Twins out of his hair) so I guess you could say that I respect the man.
My fingers twitched. "I just found out some rather…unsettling news, Professor," I informed him shakily.
Snape shifted his weight from foot to foot and seemed to be eyeing the door, probably regretting starting a non-potions related conversation. He coughed, hesitantly opening his mouth, "If you need someone to have a chat with McKinnon, I—"
"You'd be the last name on my list, Sir," I assured him. I watched the relief wash over his face and smiled slightly. The bloke was just too predictable.
"I'm glad to see that we are on the same page, McKinnon."
"Just a quick disclaimer, Sir, the 'unsettling news' I came upon is why I will be turning in three quarters of an essay today," I clarified.
Snape only rolled his eyes. "I'll be grading it the same as I grade the rest of your classmates' essays." I nodded, disappointed but definitely not surprised.
Students started to flood into the dungeons, saving Snape and I from any further small talk. I flipped my switch again, and found myself giving half-assed replies and dazed smiles while my brain spun with various questions. Why hadn't I asked Blaise if my father was alive or not? Or where I could find him? Or if he was worth finding?
Before I knew it it was 9pm and I was being shoved into one of Katie's tight black tank tops and pulling on a short floral embroidered skirt I had picked up at a muggle hippie shop, with Katie forcing mascara and lipgloss onto me while I pulled on my usual array of clinky bracelets and silver rings. I let my pitch-black hair fall down in its usual loose waves and charmed my nails bright orange.
Angelina got out her magical camera, for our usual 'Going Out' photoshoot, but I felt far off as we struck faux-model poses and pulled funny faces.
I followed the two giggling girls up to the 5th Year dorms and gasped. Everywhere people were tossing back shots, dancing, and making out. I flushed with pride as we crossed the threshold and I heard people singing along to the CD I had handed to Fred earlier. The beds were all transfigured into couches and pushed against the walls, leaving room for a dance floor and a giant table fully stocked with snacks and drinks.
I watched Fred and George make their way towards us, thankfully neither were looking all that drunk. An escapade to Hogsmeade one night in April with the girls and Lee had led to the discovery that Fred and George plus Firewhiskey equals 100 times the trouble, so I was glad they had decided to keep it in check around the upperclassmen.
"Well don't you three look nice and spiffy," Georgie grinned.
Beside him, Freddie was positively gaping at me. "Star you look like…a girl!" He gaped. The bugger only seemed to be half-joking. I scowled and flipped him the bird. Did I not wear a bloody skirt everyday around him??
"Well, our very own 6th Year Quidditch captain seemed to notice she was a girl earlier today..." Angelina teased. I slapped my hands to my face, half in exasperation, half in an effort to hide my blush.
"Who wants a drink?" Georgie suggested, but looked at me with raised eyebrows due to Angelina's comment.
"I think a drink is just what I need!" I forced a smile, grateful for the change of subject. I may not drink often, but I was familiar with the method of drinking away one's problems, and that was exactly what I intended to do today. Fred and George led me to the drink table, leaving Angelina and Katie to go find Lee.
I tossed back four shots with animalistic speed, wincing after each one. The twins eyed me suspiciously. "You've been off since Potions class," Fred informed me. George nodded in agreement. I downed another shot before answering.
"Can you two keep a secret?" I asked quietly, feeling the familiar tingle of unshed tears burn my eyes as I thought about what I had learned.
Both of their faces screamed 'Duh!' and rightly so. I knew they were the perfect people to tell. I loved my girls, but I knew for sure that they'd walk on eggshells around me if they knew how close to a breakdown I was. Fred and George, on the other hand, also practiced the art of avoiding feelings. They practically trademarked making jokes to avoid talking about feelings. They wouldn't give me pitying looks or expect to have some deep meaningful conversation.
I dragged them to a couch and sat down between them, not letting go of their hands. I was silent for a few moments before finally whispering, "I found out who my father is today." It was a miracle they heard over all the music and yelling.
I felt a squeeze on each of my hands. "His name is Sirius Black," I muttered.
"How'd you find out?" George asked.
"Blaise…" I saw Fred clench his jaw. "He saw it on the Malfoy Family Tree and assumed I knew," I mumbled the last part. Fred and George hated Slytherins. What if it made them like me less? I shoved away the insecure part of my brain. The twins loved me unconditionally, same as I loved them.
"Are you going to find anything else about him?" Fred asked softly, wrapping an arm around my shoulder. I shrugged, done talking about it. My head was spinning, and I suddenly hated being at the party. I was surrounded by teenagers who were so completely and utterly carefree while the walls of my world were literally caving in.
"I think I'm just gonna go and get some sleep, I'm not really in a party mood. Can you tell the girls that I had a headache or something?" I pleaded, wiping a tear off of my face that I hadn't realized had fallen.
They nodded in understanding and I quickly made my way towards the exit, not before passing Oliver Wood sucking face with Katie and Angelina's fellow Chaser, Alicia Spinnet. That couldn't possibly be good for team chemistry. There goes my first kiss.
I stumbled into the Common Room, waving to Harry, Ron, Ginny, and Hermione, who, judging by the disapproving looks Hermione was shooting me, knew what I had been up to. Ginny was enthusiastically beckoning me over, and I didn't have the heart to ignore her, especially with everything she had gone through recently.
"How is my favorite Firstie doing?" I asked, only slurring my words slightly. She rolled her eyes. I suppose she must've been sick of everyone coddling her since the whole 'Being Possessed by Voldy's Evil Journal' incident.
"I'm fine, Star. You, however, don't seem to be doing okay," Ginny replied, giggling slightly.
"Dunno what you're talking about Ginny-dear," I scoffed, trying to play it off like I hadn't just been crying. She just rolled her eyes and switched topics.
"So, did you and Wood end up hitting it off?" She asked, wiggling her eyebrows and reminding me so very much of Freddie.
"Wood is a 6th Year!" The trio exclaimed, all of their eyes bulging.
"You three need to loosen up," I scolded. "But to answer your question, by the time I saw him, Alicia was keeping him rather busy, if you know what I mean."
All four of them wrinkled their noses and I laughed. "Is that why you came down here?" Hermione asked.
I frowned, remembering why I had left the party. "Nah, don't worry Mione, I'm an independent woman," I forced a grin. "Wood's all brawn, no brains anyways, I need a man who can hold a conversation, you know?"
Hermione and Ginny nodded thoughtfully; Ron and Harry just looked uncomfortable. "Why are you down here anyways? I'm surprised Fred let you leave looking like that," Ginny smirked, looking me up and down. Drat, I must look as much of a mess as I felt.
"I'm just not feeling too well, he and George both were pretty concerned about me leaving," I shrugged. Ginny nodded slowly, giving me a quizzical look.
"You can hang out with us if you want," Harry offered, cheeks actively turning red.
"Thanks Har, but I've gotta get going. Goodnight, love you kiddies." I blew them a kiss.
Instead of my bed, I found my legs carrying me through the portrait hole (ignoring Hermione's calls about it being after curfew) and to the door of McGonagall's office. I barged in, the alcohol making me forget to knock.
Minnie really was quite a sight: eyes wide, curlers in hair, nightgown on. I might've laughed, had the circumstances been different. She looked quite affronted as she started to shout, "Ms. McKin--" but I cut her off with two simple words.
"Sirius Black," I slurred with as much strength as I could muster. That sure did the trick. She sat back down in her chair cautiously, a sad look in her eyes. Her face was void of even a hint of shock.
I squinted at her, willing the tears stinging my eyes to go away. "You knew," I accused hoarsely. I don't know why her betrayal hurt so much, it's not like it was even her place to tell me. If anything, Remus should have.
"I had my suspicions," McGonagall nodded slowly. "You are just so much like him," she murmured, more to herself than me.
I flinched, taking a seat in the chair across from her desk and hugging my knees to my chest. "Can you tell me about him?" I sounded like a child, the fear and loss and patheticness all painfully obvious in my voice.
McGonagall took a moment to gather her thoughts. "In school he was quite the troublemaker, not unlike yourself and the Weasley Twins," I found myself having to fight off a small smile. I didn't even know if I wanted to be like him yet, Merlin I needed to get a grip. "His best friends were James Potter, Remus Lupin, and Peter Pettigrew," McGonagall continued.
"But Remus and Harry's dad were Gryffindors," I cut in, confused.
"And so was your father," Her eyes twinkled.
"But the Blacks—"
"Your father didn't get on with his family. I remember him in this very office on his second day of school, sitting in the same position you are in now," McGonagall said softly, making me blush. "He had just received a howler telling him he was a 'sorry excuse for a son' and a 'disgrace to the entire Black lineage'. The Blacks were into the Pureblood Mania, and they hated that Sirius wasn't.
Sirius would come home from holidays with black eyes or other suspicious bruises, to which he'd claim were from fighting off an Acromantula pack or something along those lines, but I knew better, and judging by the sad looks I'd catch Remus, James, and Marlene flashing him at all of the Welcome Back feasts, they too, could see right through his act,"
I felt outrage bubble inside me for my father's behalf. "Did anyone do anything about it?"
"Your father ran away from home, the summer going into 5th Year and moved in with the Potters," McGonagall gave one of her rare smiles, probably in an effort to cheer me up. I ignored it, more focused on keeping my mind straight.
McGonagall looked at me cautiously. "Would you like to know more?" I nodded, grateful that she was not asking about my semi-slutty outfit or why I smelt like Firewhiskey.
"Sirius Black was very handsome, and he knew it. The only ego that could match his was James Potter's." She chuckled slightly I couldn't help join in, thinking of how humble Harry is compared to how his father must've been. "He was definitely the Hogwarts heartbreaker. Your mother was one of the few girls that he actually treated with respect." I smiled. From what Remus had told me about her, my mum was one tough cookie. I was proud to be her daughter.
"Tell me more about the two of them, please Professor," I requested softly. McGonagall nodded sympathetically.
"Well the fellow professors would often try to decipher Marlene and Sirius' relationship during meals, but as far as I know the two weren't ever official, not while they were in school at least. The way they looked at each other though, it was clear as day they only had eyes for each other. But, either they were too afraid of commitment, or simply didn't like being tied down because one day I'd catch them in a broom cupboard, the next I'd see them going off to Hogsmeade with different dates." I blushed, probably scarred for life at the mental image of Professor McGonagall catching my PARENTS in a broom cupboard. "Despite their lack of relationship status, they were hardly ever apart. I can practically still hear his bark of a laugh followed by your mother's melodic one echoing through the halls," McGonagall's eyes were misty, and I could recognize the sadness in her voice.
I winced as I realized she wasn't only mourning the loss of my mother. I asked the one question that I didn't want the answer to. "Where is he n-now, Professor," I choked out.
I watched a single tear spill over her face. It felt like a hand was squeezing my heart as I awaited her answer. "Sirius has been in Azkaban for 11 years now." All of a sudden I was short of breath. Hadn't McGonagall said I was just like him? What's that supposed to mean? Did everyone know? Did they expect me to do whatever he did? No wonder Remus had never told me, he probably thought I'd follow in my father's footsteps.
"You are not like your father in that way, Star," McGonagall assured me sternly.
I wiped the tears from my face. "Are you a legilimens or something?" I asked with a bitter laugh. She looked at me with so much pity in her eyes it made me feel ill.
"What was his crime?" I avoided her eyes.
"You aren't going to like what I tell you," McGonagall warned.
"Say it, Professor," I ordered, scaring myself with how cold my voice sounded. "Please," I added desperately.
"He was charged for the murder of Peter Pettigrew and 12 muggles. He blew up an entire street corner the day after the Potters were killed. It is said that Sirius had been their secret keeper, and poor Peter confronted him for betraying James and Lily. It is believed that he was Voldemort's spy," She told me, almost robotically. It must've been the only way she could get through saying all of the horrific deeds he had done. I choked back a sob.
"H-How? How could he do that?" I cried. McGonagall shook her head helplessly.
"Something had to have happened after Hogwarts. Because the Sirius Black who was so ashamed of his family, who got into fights with Slytherins that had said the M-word, who would do anything for James, Remus, and Peter, was the Sirius I knew. That's the Sirius that I see in you." My throat felt as if it was constricting as McGonagall fed me various reassurances. I leapt out of my chair and hugged her, clutching onto her for dear life. She wrapped her arms around me and I crumbled, soaking her nightgown with my tears.
"He never even got a trial," Professor McGonagall's grief-stricken voice mumbled into my hair.
McGonagall and I stood there for close to an hour, me crying like a baby as the gears in my head cranked, her letting silent tears fall before I finally detached myself from her.
Hiccupping, I began to ramble hysterically, "If he never got a trial, then isn't there a possibility that he's innocent. I mean, why would he join his family's cause after escaping that life? And the Potters took him in, how could he betray James? And why would he kill muggles after getting into fights defending muggleborns? And wouldn't nobody know if he was the secret keeper, since it's, you know, a secret?" The knot in my stomach tightened as I looked into McGonagall's sad green eyes.
"You are going to drive yourself crazy thinking like that, Star," she said firmly, stroking my hair.
"BUT IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE!" I cried out, feeling my magic pump through my veins.
McGonagall looked like her heart was physically breaking for me. "Things like this rarely do," she consoled, and I knew it was no use arguing with her.
"Thanks, Professor. For everything."
"I'm here for you, Star." I fled McGonagall's office, vowing to get to the bottom of the mystery that is Sirius Black. Because something had to be wrong. The person in McGonagall's stories did not fit those crimes. My father did not fit those crimes.
Author's Note: Hi everyone! Thank you so much for reading. I will try to update this story every weekend. Please review, I'd love to hear your thoughts on where to take this story or certain characters. Next chapter will have more discoveries of her father and more of the Weasley Twins!