The things that weren't there hurt worst of all. Erwin's arm, for example—the one that was gone—hurt terribly. The pain of it now was almost worse than the moment it had been chewed off. He closed his eyes, feeling the throbbing ache in the phantom limb. He could feel it, the right arm and his right hand. He swore he could flex the non-existent fingers. It felt like his entire limb was made out of pain.

Things that were gone hurt so brutally.

"Sir?" Petra asked.

As always, her gentle voice was a tonic. Erwin opened his eyes, smiling in relief as the ache began to subside. He was sitting at his table, a cup of half-drunk tea to his left, a plan for Shiganshina laid out before him. He saw the unsteady scrawl of his left hand—he was still learning to write with it—alongside Petra's looping cursive. His aide, meanwhile, was on her knees on his bedroom floor, piling all of his books so as to give Erwin space to move around. Petra looked at him with concern in her bright eyes.

"Are you all right, Commander?"

"Mmm. The ache gets bad in the afternoon, Petra. No need to worry."

The sunlight slanted in from the west, stretching shadows along the wall and firing Petra's hair. Levi would sit here sometimes in the evening and talk about how beautiful her hair was in the light, his fingers unconsciously stroking the empty air before him, imagining her on his knee. Erwin's captain rarely shared intimate details about his life, but sometimes late at night the longing for his girl overcame him, and he let slip a few sundry details. Nothing ungentlemanly—it would have been awkward for both of them if Erwin knew too much. But Petra Ral excited such a hold over the captain's thoughts.

"Here, sir." Petra topped off his tea, a small curl of steam wafting into the air from the cup.

For years Erwin had thought of her as a sweet, competent girl with a lot of bravery and little imagination. Only Levi had seen the real heart of her. The generosity. The spirit. The almost ethereal quality behind the well-scrubbed, chipper exterior.

Ruefully, Erwin thought that if he'd noticed her gracious qualities before the captain, he might've been taken with Petra himself.

"As always, you know just what I need. Thank you." He sipped, cursing as he sloshed a little. His left hand wasn't dominant, and even sipping tea was a chore now. Erwin tried not to let his weariness show as he put the cup back down. "Sorry. Clumsy me," he muttered, but Petra had already wiped up the spill.

"Not at all," she said gently. Erwin looked at his aide. He frowned; was it his imagination, or did Petra seem distant today? Normally, she'd be chatting amiably as she helped organize the mess he'd left during the day. Her lilting voice was such a balm to him in the afternoons. But today, she seemed pale. Quiet. Then again, Levi had told him that her anemia was back.

"What did the doctor say?"

"It's nothing bad." Petra turned hurriedly and nearly stumbled over a book. Erwin reached out to catch her, but she'd already righted herself. "Ugh! Now I'm clumsy."

"Yes. It must be catching." Erwin chuckled. While Petra tidied up his papers and put them away, he unconsciously clutched at the empty sleeve where his right arm had once been. The pain and the awkwardness were more exhausting than he could have anticipated. Erwin always hated the late afternoon. Soon it would be evening, and Petra would go home to her lover. Erwin would be left to fumble with his shirt, to go through his nightly routine like a clod. He would sit alone at this table and read by candlelight, praying that soon he'd be tired enough to blow out the light and go to sleep. His dreams were his only refuge now.

He'd been dreaming of Marie again these past weeks. He dreamed that he walked into a house and found her painting some landscape in the living room. He dreamed of kissing her cheek and hearing the gallop of children coming down the stairs. When he awoke, he would be happy for a few seconds. Then the weariness would set in.

He pictured himself as an old man shuffling around, trying to light his candle, spilling his soup alone.

The phantom limb ached.

"If you and Levi are free tonight, I have a good bottle of wine. Or tea, if he prefers," Erwin said to Petra. Hange was too busy with her experiments of late to sit with him, and Mike was…not here any longer. Mike and Nanaba both, taken in the same day. He'd been meaning to talk to them about their illicit relationship, and now there was no need or possibility to talk ever again.

God, his injury ached.

"Oh! We'd love to," Petra said, spiking hope. "But…"

"You're both busy, of course," he said quickly, not wanting this to be awkward. They would have tea alone, enjoying the other's company. They did not want Erwin getting in the way of their happiness.

"No, no. We just…need to talk tonight."

Erwin glanced at her. Petra's back was to him, but he swore her voice had trembled.

"Is something wrong?"

"No." She took a shuddering breath, the prelude to tears. A few papers slipped from her hands and floated to the floor.

"Petra. What is it?" He had a horrible thought. "Are you seriously ill?"

"No." She turned around, hastily brushing away tears.

"Sit. It's an order."

Head bowed, Petra took a chair.

"Did something happen at the doctor?" he asked.

Petra gave a deep, miserable sigh.

"I'd have to tell you, anyway," she muttered.

"What?" Erwin felt ready to explode out of his skin. Petra was one of the few solid, happy things in his life these days. He couldn't lose that.

"I wanted to tell Levi first." She sniffed, then raised her face. Her eyes were red with tears. "I'm so scared. Ahh." She hid her face in her hands. "I'm pregnant," she whimpered.

Erwin blinked. Of all the things he might have heard, he'd truly never considered this.

"Petra…"

"He's going to be so mad at me." She was trembling now.

"He won't be," Erwin said to comfort her.

"I promised him this wouldn't happen." She was weeping now.

Levi was going to be a father. It was the most insane sentence Erwin had ever dreamed of. He knew that Ral was correct: Levi was not going to be happy. But he also would never abuse the girl, or berate her. That wasn't the captain's way. If anything, Erwin feared that Levi would sit there in stunned silence and remain that way for the entire night, while Petra whipped herself into a frenzy trying to get him to speak.

And Petra…

Erwin didn't even know what to do. Women had gotten pregnant in the Corps before, but when that happened they left and got married, or…well, one day they were simply no longer pregnant. Erwin did not involve himself either way. It was not his business. If they left, good luck to them. They were probably saner than anyone else in this carnival. If the pregnancy…ended…then it was back to work. Either way, he was not in charge.

He did not believe, though, that Petra's pregnancy would simply "end." So if or when she had this baby, what did that mean for her place in the Survey Corps?

Was he going to lose a competent aide on whom he leaned more and more every day?

And Levi? A lover was one thing. A child? That ripped out the whole root of what a person was. It altered a man.

Not that Erwin knew what that was like. Or ever would know.

Erwin did not know how to soothe the frightened girl, but Petra's cries cut him to the heart.

"Petra. Please look up," he said. She gazed at him, her face blotched. She was shaking uncontrollably now. Erwin didn't try to reach for her—he didn't think it was his place. So he tried speaking calmly. "He's going to accept it. It will undoubtedly shock him, but he'll recover in time. You are one of the most precious things in his life." Yes, it was true. Levi was smitten with this girl. Undemonstrative as the captain was, Erwin could read his passions and hopes and fears. He worshipped the very air this girl breathed. "Whatever you decide, he will come around to it. Believe me."

Petra shut her eyes, thick tears rolling down her cheeks. She kept crying as Erwin pulled a handkerchief from his pocket and gave it to her. She wiped her face gladly.

"I'm so sorry. I-I know this is the last thing you need." She crumpled the handkerchief.

"If this mission goes through, humanity will take back its land. It will have a future again. A baby is a good symbol of that future," he said gently. And more than that, if the mission succeeded he would learn the secrets that this world had denied him. The secrets he'd sacrificed a wife and children for would be his. It was something. "Go home now. I'll finish up here."

Erwin stood, and Petra did, too. She offered the handkerchief back, but he shook his head. She kept it.

"This is going to hurt him," she said, eyes to the floor.

Erwin imagined being hurt that the woman he loved was bearing his child. He could have laughed. You're so young, Petra. You don't know that the absence of something hurts worse than anything else.

"He'll understand. And if he doesn't, send him to me."

Petra smiled weakly. "What about Shiganshina?" she whispered.

"You'll wait here for us to bring you the good news."

"I was supposed to go with you." She hung her head. "I'm useless."

"Bringing life into this world is the least useless thing I can imagine. Go on, now. Give Levi a shock. But it'll be good. You'll see."

Petra's chin wobbled. She looked into Erwin's eyes, her delicate brow lifting. He saw such hope in those eyes. Such tenderness.

He imagined being Levi with those eyes looking at him every night.

Levi, you probably will be angry. You fool.

"We'll talk more tomorrow. Right now, try to be happy," he said. Ah, it would have been more like him to give a speech about how she must 'give up everything for humanity', including her unborn child. But Erwin had poured so many lives into oblivion for the sake of his own selfish desires. Let him do this one thing right.

Petra nodded, and came forward. So quick it caught him off guard, she threw her arms around his neck and laid a quick, light kiss on his cheek.

"Thank you, Commander," she whispered, then released him before he even knew she'd been holding him. Erwin would have touched his cheek in wonder at the kiss, but that hand was gone now.

Petra sniffed and opened the door, making a startled noise.

"Oh! Hello," she said.

"Hello," Anka replied. Pixis's girl. She was a few inches taller than Petra, with hair in a similar style, though hers was a dark chestnut in comparison to Petra's ginger. Erwin nodded for her to come in. The woman entered and gave a fast salute. "Sir. Commander Pixis requested I give you a message."

"Thank you, Anka. Petra, have a good night." Erwin smiled as Anka stepped forward, hands behind her back.

"Do you need me to stay for the message?"

"No, don't worry. Off you go."

Petra smiled and shut the door. Erwin turned his back on Anka and brought out the bottle of wine he'd been saving. He pulled two cups off a shelf, and poured.

"What's Pixis's message?" he asked, turning around. Anka's jacket and blouse were off, and she was just sliding out of her brassiere. Her tits were pert, and enviably firm. She smirked.

"Very funny," she said.

Even down an arm, it was not hard to get undressed with someone to help him. Their sex was athletic rather than sensual, which was more than fine for Erwin. These days he tended to lie on his back while his partners got on top, riding him until they achieved mutual satisfaction. Anka rode hard, the last streaks of sunlight glimmering in her hair. Erwin's breathing came faster at the sight of it.

"Come on, old man." Anka liked calling him that when they were in bed. This little liaison between them had been off and on the last few months. She'd come one day to deliver an actual message from Pixis, and that evening she'd slipped very neatly into his bed after a glass of wine. She was too young for Erwin, but then weren't they all? Anka enjoyed their sex, and wanted nothing more from him. After Erwin had lost his arm, she'd simply shrugged and gotten on top. Now she was speeding up, bringing them both nearer the moment of release.

But Erwin's thoughts traveled out of the room, to Levi and Petra's chamber.

"Anka," he rasped. "Stop."

"Hmm?" She did, wiping her brow. "I'm close. What is it?"

"Get on your stomach."

"Eh?"

But she did it, and Erwin nudged himself between her legs and continued. This position was damned hard now with only one arm. He became sore and tired almost at once, and indeed his left arm trembled as he fucked. Last thing he wanted was to collapse on top of her, but he stared at the back of her head. Her hair was red and short. The style was so like…

He imagined that the woman underneath him was a little smaller. That her hair lightened to ginger. And as he imagined that, Erwin dreamed that he himself had another arm. That he himself was small, that his hair was inky black, that he was inside this woman who loved him so.

"Oh." Anka sounded surprised. "Oh, God."

He nosed at Anka's hair. He dreamed of lilac. He was small, and dark-haired, and loved.

"Erwin," Anka said. She cried out in release.

He whispered her name. At the last possible second, he pulled out and spilled across her back. Erwin shivered as he finished. He basked in the afterglow, then went to get her a towel. After they'd cleaned up, Anka slipped out of bed and grabbed the wine. Erwin grunted as he made room for her, budged up with his back to the wall. He hated having sex in this bed. It was made for one, and he felt like an adolescent screwing in his childhood room while his guardians were out. Anka passed him a glass, and slid in beside him. In a tangle of naked limbs, they made it work.

"Mmm." She swallowed and gazed thoughtfully at the ceiling. He admired her sharp profile in the candlelight. That no-nonsense practicality was one thing that attracted him to her. She was a natural chess player. Pixis liked his aides to be tacticians, and pretty if they could help it. Anka was both. "That was a surprise."

"For an old man?" he drawled.

"Yes." She smiled. "You're an excellent technician. But that was passionate."

"You flatter me."

"No. I'm being honest." She glanced sidelong at him, smiling ruefully. "It was nearly perfect."

"Nearly? I thought it was a flawless performance."

"Well, it would have been." She laughed. "But my name's not Petra."

Oh, fuck everything.

Anka tsked. "Lusting after your aides? You and Pixis have so many things in common."

"It's not like that."

"No, you're right. I'm sure you whisper all your subordinates' names in the throes of passion. It's the friendly thing to do."

She didn't understand, but explaining would have made him look insane, so he settled for being seen as a lech. Anka drained her wine, then took his glass and drank it down as well. She set the glasses on the floor and stretched out alongside him on the bed, resting her head on his chest. It wasn't loving; it was animalistic, unwinding with skin on skin contact after coitus. Erwin had not made love since he was twenty-two years old.

I'm having your child, Levi.

He shut his eyes, imagined that he was lying here with Petra in his arms. That she was the one tracing her fingers along his chest, and whispering to him that she was having his baby. Levi. She called him Levi. He was small, and violent, and rude, and anal retentive. And he was loved, and in love. And the woman he loved was carrying his future in her womb.

"If you became pregnant, what would you do?" he asked. Anka chortled, and took his cock in her hand. She squeezed, and he stirred.

"Like I'd tell you," she said.

The battering ram slammed down into the titan's nape, crushing the bastard at once. Levi watched calmly as the fifteen meter collapsed to the ground, steam already hissing from the impact point. The log was pulled back up on the pulleys Hange had devised, or whatever they were called. Through the criss cross of crystalline titan hardening, Levi could see the titan's corpse begin to dissolve in the air. There was a collection of five or six more titans all pawing to get in and have their heads bashed in as well.

Makes my job nearly pointless, he thought. It didn't give him too much of a pain to consider that. Levi wanted nothing more than for his position as the world's greatest titan killer to become obsolete. That'd mean humanity had a future. It'd also mean he could retire with Petra to open a shop or something. Yeah. Real cozy shit.

"Yeeeehooooooowaaaaaahhhahahaha!" Hange made the longest, weirdest sound he'd ever heard as she leapt into the air, pumping her fists in triumph. The lanky brunette capered back and forth along the wall, reveling in the fifteenth consecutive kill they'd seen today. "It works! It really works! All those titan bastards are going to be crushed now! Even the cute ones, sadly." She whistled and slipped her goggles up onto her head. "At the rate we're going, we'll have cleared most of them out of the area by the time we head for Shiganshina. It'll make the trip even easier."

"Good," Levi grunted. He looked down the staggering hundred foot drop into the kill zone. Another titan, this one smaller and female looking, was already wiggling its way inside. Once the nape was exposed, the battering ram came down heavily. Another one was gone.

The afternoon sun was halfway down the horizon, turning the top of the wall molten gold. The wind tousled Levi's hair as he glanced to his right. Eren had come along to see the progress. He'd had a nosebleed last time, but now looked all right. A little dazed, as usual, but all right.

"You feeling okay?" Levi asked the kid.

"Sure. Thank you, Captain." The boy blinked his startlingly green eyes, as if waking himself from a dream. Since getting out of Rod Reiss's freaky crystal titan cavern, the boy'd been like this. A little dreamy, a little jumpy. Truth told, Levi kind of liked this Eren better than the 'I'm going to kill them all!' wild-eyed one. Easier to deal with. But the kid also looked more tired. Sad, even.

Apparently shifters had their predecessors' memories stuffed inside them or some shit. Ugh. Levi didn't want to even imagine it. His own thoughts were plenty.

As a precaution, Levi offered Eren his handkerchief. The kid smiled a little, and waved it away.

"I'm really fine."

"If you're really fine, what would you say to a few hardenings?" Hange practically leered at Eren over Levi's shoulder. Levi couldn't see her face, but he imagined she was wearing that disturbing look she got when consumed by work. Half happy, half horny. All terrifying. "I want to see about modifications for human body armor. I'm not sure you can make it that small, though…"

Eren looked as earnest and ready to help as ever, but Levi caught the twinge of exhaustion in the boy's eyes.

"Hange. Ease up off the kid. He's done enough already," Levi said. "We don't want him gushing blood again."

"Oh! Oh, of course. Sorry, Eren," she said sheepishly. Hange went off to talk to Moblit about something.

"Thanks, Captain."

"Eh, she means well. Hange just gets carried away." He looked out to the green fields of Wall Maria, off limits with all the titans dotted around. Wondered how the kid felt looking at this view, knowing it was the wall where he'd been born and that he couldn't go back home to it. Shitty as Levi's childhood had been, Mitras and the underground hadn't gone anywhere. He eyed Eren as the boy gazed down at the titans below. The kid's fists unconsciously clenched when he saw titans. That spark of fury would ignite something inside.

Levi knew how it felt to be fifteen, motherless, and angry enough to burn a hole through the world.

"Oi. After dinner, why don't you come for tea? Petra's been asking about you. Tch. Worrying, more like."

Petra had bonded with Eren during their month in the country. She always took to looking after anybody new or scared. Damn angel. After the female titan massacre, Petra had pulled herself together enough to look after the boy. Eren had blamed himself for all of it.

The kid's face lit up. "Sure! That is, if it's okay?"

"I invited you, didn't I? She'll be happy to see you." Levi was fond of the kid, too. Not that he liked to admit it, but the boy was so earnest and threw himself into his work so seriously that Levi had to admire him. If Levi'd had a son, he would've liked the kid to be like Eren.

"Okay. Thank you, Captain." Eren took off down the wall. Everyone was wrapping up here. Even Hange could bear to tear herself away from her titan killing device. As she passed by, Levi called for her. "Walk with me," he said.

They slipped down the wall, using their ODM perfectly to make a graceful landing. Every time Levi stepped off a hundred foot drop, he felt a spike of pleasure. One slip of his hand and he'd be dead. Only sharp wits and fast reflexes saved him. That was living. He was enough of Kenny's blood that a drop of danger did him good.

He and Hange strolled through Trost, winding past the market stalls as they began to shutter for the day. Hange stopped in front of some mushrooms, and Levi had to physically drag her away. Probably imagining fun experiments with fungi. 'You don't have 'fun' without fungi!' she'd chortled once. Levi had stared in withering reply.

"You need to be careful with Eren," Levi said.

"Eh? I'm always careful. When his body is too strained, we stop." She looked honestly baffled.

"I don't mean that. Kid's only fifteen. It's a rough age for boys, and none of this helps." This, the titans, Shiganshina, the battle ahead. All of it. "He'll tell you he can take it, but sometimes he can't."

"You mean the experiments?"

"I don't mean what happens to his body. I mean what happens to him."

Hange nodded lightly. He knew she understood intellectually, but she didn't feel it. Hange was a fucking genius, smarter even than Erwin. Smartest person Levi had ever seen, or hoped to see. In truth, he was in awe of her. But every gift came with a price, as he well knew, and in Hange's case she didn't always seem to understand what came as instinct to others. The way she'd kept Eren up the entire night when they first met, talking titans, never thinking he might need to sleep; getting so excited about the titan killing system she ignored it when the boy got a nosebleed; that horrific moment when Eren's fucking face had come off during one experiment, and all she could think about was getting a sketch done.

Hange loved Eren. Levi knew she did. But she could be pretty damn insensitive to the kid. To anyone and anything that wasn't her work, really. When she was in her own world, nothing else mattered.

Tch. Well, Levi understood being abnormal. Erwin had told him once that his great curse was that he understood people with brutal clarity, but had difficulty communicating that knowledge. It was true. Someone like Erwin could talk about Eren to Hange in a way that made her feel what he was saying. All Levi could do was point out the obvious.

"Levi, Eren's lucky to have you. You're good with kids." Hange grinned, and he rolled his eyes.

"Fifteen year olds aren't exactly screaming brats. At least, not until you ask them to clean their fucking room."

"You didn't ask Jean. You threatened him."

"I said worse things could happen to him than having to make his bed right. I didn't say what could happen."

"The unknown's the scariest thing of all," Hange said sagely.

"Even for you?"

"Oh no, not for me. For me, it's the thing that gets me out of bed in the morning."

"Excuse me?" a stall keeper said. He was selling fruit, and he hurried over to them with two peaches. "Here. On the house." He beamed.

"Uh, thanks. But, uh, we can't," Levi muttered. Since Flegel Reeves had taken over his father's company, a lot of storekeepers and tradesmen in Trost fawned over Levi and Hange. Flegel had let them know how the Survey Corps had fought to protect them and their town. Nice of him, but Levi didn't enjoy attention.

"We should pay for them," Hange said, though she didn't stop the man from giving her the fruit.

"Please. It'd make me happy," he said, so earnest and sad-eyed. Fuck.

"Er, um, thanks," Levi grumbled, kind of half-nodding as he and Hange said their thanks and shuffled away. Levi's shoulders hunched up to his ears.

"Oh, you don't have to look like he flashed you," Hange said breezily. She gave Levi a peach, and smiled at her own. "Hmm, it does smell ripe."

"The only thing I hate about this job is all the attention."

They came to the barracks entrance, and Hange waved goodbye as they entered and she peeled off to the left. Levi walked back to his own room, wondering if Petra was home yet. Throughout the day he'd been able to keep his concern under control, but now his footsteps quickened. If she wasn't there, he'd check the dining hall. Too early for dinner, but she might be chatting with friends. And if she wasn't there, he could start asking around—

Levi opened the door to his chamber, and found it bright with candlelight. Petra stood at the table, a teapot in her hands, pouring fragrant streams of tea into two cups. She was wearing a soft, peach-colored dress he especially loved. The tea smelled fantastic, orange and bergamot, the special blend she'd bought for him in Mitras.

She looked up and smiled. "Hello, Captain Ackerman."

Levi managed to shut the door without taking his eyes off her. She put down the teapot and hurried over to give him a kiss.

"Uh. Um. You're…pretty," he croaked. The sight of her in a dress always got him dizzy.

"Thank you, sir." She gasped when he offered her the peach. "Oh, it's perfect! It must have been expensive, though." She held it to her lips and inhaled the fragrance, smiling in satisfaction. Levi felt weak at the knees.

"Uh, was free," he grunted. "For you."

"Thank you." She put the peach on the table and took off his coat.

"I got it," he said, stunned, but she hung it up for him. Levi stared at the way the skirt belled around her knees. He got a display of her creamy white legs, and felt the blood pumping all through his body. Especially in certain parts. He came up behind her and pulled her against him. Petra giggled as he nosed her hair. Lilac. Still perfect. "Like your present?" he asked huskily.

"I do."

"Good. I like mine." His hand slid down her thigh, and he tugged up her skirt. He turned her around and sank to his knees, rucking up her dress higher so he could kiss up the soft expanse of her leg. "I want to open it now."

"Not yet. Let's have some tea first."

Hmmph. Well, tea was probably the only thing on earth that could distract him from having sex with her. Levi sat at the table and picked up his cup, sighing in contentment at the scent. He tasted it. Excellent, as always.

"You brew it perfect every time, Ral."

Petra slid onto his lap, which he was more than fine with. Her lips trailed along his cheek, and he caught her mouth. Levi's hand played up and down her thigh as they kissed, until Petra made a surprised little noise at his developing "excitement."

"Usually you're a little harder to get going in the evening," she said.

"Well, when I come in to find you in a dress making tea, I tend to be pretty happy." They stopped kissing, and she hung her arms around his neck and held him close. He squeezed her tighter. Every time he found her in his arms at the end of the day, he could breathe easy. "Don't know why you went to all this trouble."

"I just like making you happy," she whispered. Fuck, that was a good enough reason for him. He kissed her lips again, got lost in their softness. Got lost in the sweet taste of her. He would happily have let things escalate, but she was deliberate in her kisses, making them last. Savoring them. "I love kissing you," she murmured, almost shy.

"That's good for me," he muttered, rubbing her back as he thought. Levi liked this, but his mind, warped by years of abuse, buying, and selling, didn't allow for good things to happen for free. Like the peach in the market; he'd paid for it weeks ago when he helped the Reeves company. The stallkeeper hadn't just given it for no reason.

Why was Petra doing all this?

Levi's hand dropped from her back. His heart slowed.

No.

"Petra. Look at me."

She did, and yes, there it was. The faintest shine of tears. Oh no. Oh no.

"Baby, sit down," he whispered. She pulled up a chair and sat in front of him, knee to knee. Petra stared at her folded hands, her little chin quivering. Levi wanted to scream. Don't ask. Don't ask. "You went to the doctor?"

"Yes," she whispered.

"How sick are you?" His heart now picked up pace. He swore he could hear it. "Tell me it isn't a tumor." In her breast? Hange had told him about that, cancers in women's body parts, quiet and murderous.

"What?" She whipped her head up in shock. "No! No tumors."

Thank fuck. But still…

"Then what? Some infection?"

Now Petra smiled. "Nothing's wrong with me. I'm not sick. I'm not even anemic."

Relief rushed over him like a torrent of water. Levi leaned his elbow on the table to keep himself from toppling over.

"Oh, fuck." He put a hand to his heart, felt it pounding away. "You scared the shit out of me, you little brat."

Petra giggled. He closed his eyes. Thank god.

Then he frowned.

"So why the tears? What's wrong?" He had a new nagging suspicion. "You heard from your family recently?"

Petra's parents sounded like very conventional people. If they'd discovered she was shacking up with her former captain, living in unwedded sexual bliss, they might have some problems.

"No, not that."

"Petra, I'm not a big fan of guessing games, and I'm shit at them anyway. What's the matter?"

She plucked at her skirt, eyes downcast. Her brow creased.

"You're going to hate me," she whispered. Her shoulders trembled as she began to cry. Her distress was a knife to Levi's heart.

"Shit. Listen, I won't. I'm not mad at you," he said. Sounded a little irritated there, but he wasn't much of a snuggly guy. He took her hand and kissed her fingers. Petra clutched him tightly, like she couldn't let him go. He looked into her amber eyes, now puffy and rimmed in red. "Even if you did something that'll piss me off, I won't hate you. That's impossible." Another kiss. "I love you more than anything. I love you more than tea. You know how hard that is for me to say?"

She smiled weakly. Good.

"Okay. Here goes." She nibbled her lip while she held his hands, then took a deep breath and met his gaze. "I'm going to have a baby."

Levi shut down.

He sat there in the numb silence of his body. He could barely feel Petra squeeze his hand tighter.

"It was my fault," she said. "It was an accident, I swear. You know that herbal remedy I take daily? It really does work, but you have to be sure to take it every single day. After the female titan, I was too upset. I didn't take my tea the next day. And I didn't take it the day after that."

Right. And that night they'd had violent sex to make themselves feel better. It didn't take a genius to do the math.

"I remembered the next morning, but I guess it was too late by then. I'm so sorry, Levi. I never meant for it to happen. I really, really didn't want a baby. I know what we promised each other in February. I'm so, so sorry about this."

Levi just sat there, barely remembering to blink.

"Please talk to me."

Levi just sat there.

"Levi, you're scaring me." She started to cry again. "Please, even if you're angry, just tell me. You can yell at me. Just talk to me."

Levi just sat there.

"Levi!"

She shouted his name, and that snapped him out of it. He let go of her hand and sat back in his chair. Petra watched him with wide-eyed concern. She pressed her knuckles to her lips, waiting for him to speak.

A baby. A small, squirming thing. Levi glanced around this quiet little room, this paradise behind the walls. On the top of the bookshelf was a little game of chess Erwin had given Petra as a gift. She was learning the game, smiling with him when they both bungled through it. Levi got bored and had his pawns say foul-mouthed things, which made Petra laugh.

Here they were having tea. There was their bed, where they made love together and slept together and clung together for warmth. This was the small, perfect piece of bliss he'd searched for his entire life.

"Okay," he said slowly.

"Okay?"

"When are you going to do it?"

Petra looked a bit relieved. "The doctor said I'd be due in the winter—"

It was like he'd been struck by lightning.

"Oh," he said. She saw his shock.

"You didn't mean when am I due?"

His head started to spin now. This had already been a dark, serious conversation, but now his mind was hurtling at terminal velocity toward a conclusion he couldn't face.

"You never even thought about getting rid of it, did you?" His voice was lifeless.

Petra looked like he'd slugged her in the stomach. Her eyes bulged, her lips pressed in a tight line. She folded her hands over her belly, as if to protect herself.

"Are you joking right now?"

"Why the fuck would I joke about that?"

Petra's breathing was unsteady. Tears spilled down her cheeks. She made a pained, thin noise.

"I would never do that," she said. And now she glared at him, like he was the bad guy. "Ever."

"I see." He was starting to feel again. There was tingling in the soles of his feet. He felt a pain right behind his left eye. "So when you made that promise to me, you didn't mean it?"

"Of course I meant it. I told you I didn't want to get pregnant. It was my fault I did. But I never lied to you."

He inhaled deeply. He wanted to get up, break all the furniture in the room, and then walk out the door and walk all the way out of Trost. He wanted to walk for hours.

"When you said 'I promise never to have children with you', this never crossed your mind? You never thought it could happen?"

"I… We never talked about it like that." Her voice was small. "Did you think it could?"

"Petra, you're a child." His voice was flat and cold. He could feel nothing now. Nothing except a numbing dread. "We fuck almost every single night. We want to spend our lives together. Even if it's just five more years, you think we can fuck every night for five years and never get pregnant? And you told me I didn't need to wear one of those…" His words trailed off. He'd tried using one of those lambskin prophylactics or whatever they were. It'd itched like hell. Don't worry, Petra had said. I'm careful. I can do this for us. "I know I finish inside you too much. I knew it was a mistake. I just…" The pain in his eye grew worse. She saw how much pleasure it gave him, and urged him to keep doing it. She was taking care of everything, after all. "You said you had it under control."

"I did. It was an accident. I was out of my mind that night!"

"I know that. This is my fault, too. I thought you were grown up enough to understand what this'd mean."

They sat in silence a minute. He could see Petra's cheeks gaining color. The wilting flower was gone; she was fucking pissed now.

"I'm grown up enough to accept my mistakes and take responsibility for them. You're the one who's so afraid he wants to kill our…"

She couldn't finish.

"You're going to have it," he said, staring at the door.

"Yes. I am."

"Fine." He stood up, went and got his trench coat. As he slid into it, Petra rounded on him.

"You can't just walk away from this."

"Petra. Stop."

"No! We have to talk about this together. We need to figure out what we're going to do."

"We're getting married," he said bluntly. That shut her up. Levi belted his coat. "I can't force you not to have it, and I'm not letting the kid be a bastard. I grew up like that. It's fucking hell. I'm sure it's even worse up here, where people care about being respectable and shit." He looked at her. Petra was stunned and pale. "You already broke one promise to me. Might as well make it two."

"Levi." She reached for him, but he walked past her and didn't look back.

"Go to sleep. If you're gonna be a mother, you should at least know how to take care of yourself."

Petra screamed for him to wait, but he didn't.

He closed the door and started to walk. Levi stopped after a few steps. Would she come out after him, madder than a hornet with its ass on fire? He watched the door, but it didn't open. Instead, he heard a long, keening wail. She was sobbing in there.

Levi's calm broke. In pain, he moved to open the door and go in to her…

No. He stopped, rubbed his face. This was how it happened, wasn't it? You let one person gain a foothold in your heart, and before you knew it…

Do you think the people next to you will be there tomorrow? I don't. Guess that makes me abnormal.

He'd told the kids that, and he'd meant it. Having Petra in his life was an extra dose of misery waiting to be administered. A baby? An actual part of him walking through the world? What would it be like to lose that?

And he would lose it. Levi had made peace with the fact he would lose Petra too early, and that it would kill him. But his own child. How could you ever prepare yourself to watch your own child die too early? And it would. It would, because everyone in Levi's life did.

Kill it now, so I don't have to watch it die later.

The ground shook beneath his feet. He needed to get out of here. He needed something constant. Erwin. He had to fucking talk to Erwin.

Levi shambled away, hating himself as he listened to her cry. But this world was cruel, and so was he.

He was gone. It was over. Even though he'd said they'd get married, Levi himself was absolutely gone. He'd return here, of course, but would it ever be the same between them? Petra lay facedown on the bed, digging her fingernails into the blanket. She'd cried herself out ten minutes ago, but the pain wouldn't release her.

She sat up and wiped her face. She had to be a mess now. And all this strain couldn't be good for the…

She didn't even want to think the word now. Petra clutched her stomach and bent over. The more she thought about it, the more she knew that Levi had been right about one thing. She was childish. She had never imagined she'd actually get pregnant. Levi had probably thought that when and if it happened, she'd deal with it quietly and never tell him. Petra understood now that to him the promise had encompassed more than just practicing safe sex.

But how could he sit there calmly and tell her to get rid of it?

Petra did not nose into other people's business. She wasn't going to tell other people how to live their lives. But there was no way in hell she could ever do something like that. That Levi could…

It was another reminder of how differently they'd grown up. Of everything that made them incompatible.

Of course it worked between them. They were compatible. But she really had broken her promise to him.

Levi took his vows seriously. He expected others to do the same.

She'd anticipated this would go badly, but it'd been worse than she could have imagined. Petra put her head in her hands. She wanted to sleep forever.

There was a knock at the door, which startled her. Petra got up, puzzled. Levi wouldn't knock before coming in.

"Hello?" Petra opened up and was surprised to find Eren Jaeger standing in front of her. The boy smiled brightly.

"Hi!" His enthusiasm dimmed as he noticed Petra's state. "Um. Did the captain tell you I was coming for tea?"

At the mention of Levi, Petra burst into tears. She backed up, and then sobbed against Eren's chest when he awkwardly reached out and held her.

"Whoa. Whoa. What's going on?" he asked.