"Tell me what you're going to do," Levi whispered. The sweat was cooling on their skin. Petra dozed, languishing in the last remnants of the orgasm. Whenever they made love now, it was frantic. Urgent. Needful.
Three days to Shiganshina.
"What I'm going to do when?" she asked. He kissed the crown of her head.
"I want to know every single thing you're going to do the whole day I'm there. That way I have something to think about if shit gets bad."
"I'm probably going to lie awake all night and be a nervous wreck the next morning."
"No. Please. Think of something good," he whispered, his breath hot on her hair.
Petra closed her eyes and thought. "All right. I'll get a good night's sleep."
"Promise?"
"Promise." She'd try to keep that promise. "I'll wake up when the sun's rising." They'd be just reaching Shiganshina at that point, according to Hange's calculations. "I'll wash up. I'll take a hot shower."
He hummed. Levi would like to imagine a shower. Not just because she'd be naked, but because she'd be clean. She nuzzled his cheek.
"Then I'll have breakfast, I guess."
"What breakfast?" His eyes were shut, picturing the details.
"I'll have two eggs and some bread. And tea. I'll use the tea from Mitras."
Levi sighed in contentment. "Then what?"
She peppered kisses on his cheek. "I'll get dressed in my uniform—"
"Wear something else." His voice was hoarse. Levi usually didn't give her orders about food or clothes, but she knew what this was. He wanted a perfect picture to take with him.
"I'll wear my blue dress."
"Yes." The corners of his mouth twitched in a smile. "Then?"
"I'll walk over to my sister's. Brigitta and I will go visit the market." She was really going to sit in the barracks waiting for them to come back, but that wasn't the picture he needed right now. Levi seemed to appreciate it. "We'll haggle for blackberries. I'll buy some for tea."
"Good. That's good." Blackberries, blue dresses, tea, calm walks through town; all these were just the images he wanted of her. "And then?"
"I'll read a book and wait for you to come home."
His eyes opened. Petra lay wrapped around him. His naked skin was so warm against hers.
"What book?"
"I don't know. I finished my last one." A romantic story about a prince in disguise. "I'll have to borrow one from Erwin."
Levi snickered. "Not sure the stuff he reads is the stuff you like."
She screwed up her face. "Well, we'll just have to see, won't we?"
She kissed him, and he kissed her. Petra felt him stir, yearning for more. She wished they could stay in this bed together until he had to go. She winced as her stomach fluttered; the baby was active this morning. He was making her feel just a little extra sick.
Their second time was quick, but good. When they finished, she lay against his breast, damp with sweat. He softened within her.
"Erwin if it's a boy. Kuchel if it's a girl," he said. They had to agree to things now, in case they…couldn't…later.
"Yes." Petra kissed his lips until she had to stop to draw breath. "When it's born, you'll see how cute it is."
"Yeah," he grunted. He gazed up at her, those flat eyes hooded. His mouth was in its customary scowl. He looked like that even when happy. That was Levi Ackerman: a small, angry man who loved her. Whom she loved. "I love you," he growled, like it hurt him to say it. Levi wasn't the type to make declarations.
"I'll love you for as long as I live," she said. He tightened his embrace.
"Make sure it's a damn long time."
"I will." She kissed his forehead. "You'd better do the same."
"Mmm." They spent another precious minute like that before the day had to begin. Sunlight was spreading across the floor. "One thing I'd like you to do," he said.
"Anything."
"Talk Erwin out of coming along." His eyes narrowed. "He might listen to you."
True. Erwin would only be a hazard in Shiganshina. Levi would worry extra if the Commander was there. And if Levi worried, the chance went up he'd make a mistake.
"I'll try," she whispered. Then, "Are you okay?"
"He gave me something," Levi muttered. He glanced over at their table, at a rectangular metal box. Petra hadn't looked inside. It wasn't her place to, and…she found she didn't want to know. "He gave me a big decision to make. Maybe. In Shiganshina." He shrugged, held her close. "I want to make the right call, that's all it is." Another silent moment. Then, "I just want to make sure that dream of his comes true, I guess."
"Odd," Erwin said, looking over a letter. It was hours later in his office. "Hange sends word she, Eren, Levi and the others are going to see Shadis."
"Why's that?" Petra frowned. Heading over to the cadet training grounds was an odd thing to do mere days before a dangerous mission.
"I'm sure she'll tell me when she returns." Erwin folded the letter and handed it over. Petra filed it for him, then returned to writing down the last of his plans for Shiganshina. They were set in stone now, or rather, in ink. "How are the wedding plans?"
Petra smiled. It wasn't going to be much of a wedding.
"We'll get married the day you all leave."
"Ah. Where?"
"The chapel in the central district. I finally got a letter back from the pastor saying it was available. Will you be there, Com—Erwin?"
He smiled warmly. "If I'm invited."
"We wouldn't have it any other way." She wrinkled her nose as she grinned. "But no wild reception."
"I can never apologize enough for the bachelor party," he muttered, massaging his temple. "I paid the price, of course. I haven't been that hungover since I was nineteen."
Petra laughed, signing off on the final plan with a flourish. She blew on the ink to dry, rolled the paper up, and tucked it into the Commander's desk. Petra noticed a thin, leatherbound book in the drawer.
"What's this?" She picked it up.
"Ah. That. Yet another conquest from the Reiss family library. It's poetry, of a kind."
Petra read the title, Ring of the Nibelung. It was a libretto for an opera, or rather, several operas. Petra had never been to one, and she'd never heard of this one in particular.
"What's it about?" she asked, leafing through the book.
"The beginning and end of the world, I suppose. It has everything," Erwin said, smiling as she read. "River nymphs, dwarves, giants—"
"Titans?"
"Of a kind, I suppose. And, naturally, a hero and heroine. The woman, Brunnhilde, is a Valkyrie. A type of warrior goddess. She disobeys her father and, as punishment, has her immortality stripped away. She's placed in an unending sleep and surrounded by a ring of fire. Only when Siegfried, the hero, arrives does she wake. Then, of course, they get married."
"That's a nice ending."
"Oh, no. That's when the trouble really starts." Erwin chuckled. "Why don't you take it?"
"Oh! It's yours, though."
"I've already read it. You should see what you think. I may have spoiled it for…"
"No, I think I'd like it. Thank you." Petra tucked the little book into her jacket pocket. "I needed something to read, to take my mind off of…uh. When you're all in Shiganshina," she said softly. Petra worried her lip. "Sir? Erwin. Are you sure it wouldn't be better if you stayed—"
"Tell Levi to stop worrying," he said, smoothly but with great finality. Erwin busied himself with paperwork to avoid looking at her. "Tell him to focus on getting through the wedding ceremony. Even if there are only a few of us as witnesses, he'll get tongue tied. He's hopeless at speaking before an audience."
"Yes. He is." Petra sighed. It wasn't really her place, anyway. But she did worry. She did care about him. "I suppose I'm sorry I'm not going with you."
"Well. I'm sorry you won't be there when we find out what's in that basement." He spoke low; he always said 'the basement' like it was something holy. "But you'll be proud when we ride home, Petra. We'll have restored our territory. We'll have the secrets of this world. Yes." Erwin stared at the ceiling, transfixed by a sight invisible to all eyes but his. "It will be my wedding present to you."
Erwin could not believe what he was hearing. It was like a gift.
It was only a few hours later. Levi, Hange, and the others had returned from visiting Keith Shadis, and what they'd found…
What they had found…was everything Erwin had prayed for.
"Eren's father, Grisha Jaeger, may very well be a human from outside the walls."
He spoke those words to his assembled squad leaders, and Levi. As usual, Levi wasn't much of a "joiner." He sat well apart from the others, crowded into a little corner by himself. Levi always said he wasn't a proper squad leader; he wasn't the type to sit around and come up with plans. He just followed orders. Right now, Erwin didn't mind what Levi did or didn't do.
He'd assumed that Annie, Bertholdt, and Reiner were from beyond the walls themselves, what with the latter two talking about "their hometown." How far away this settlement was Erwin couldn't know, but now it seemed obvious that a settlement of some kind did exist.
And all of the secrets of that hidden world awaited him in Shiganshina.
Erwin remembered the last time he ever saw his father. Father had had to go to another town on business, and Erwin had given him a brief hug before the man walked out the door. He'd smelled the smoke of his father's pipe, vanilla and tobacco; the man's leisure coat always smelled like it. His father had passed a hand across Erwin's head, and chuckled. Laughter had rumbled in his father's gut like thunder.
"See you tonight, Erwin," Father said. Then he was gone forever. Gone because of Erwin's foolishness.
Erwin now knew what the Military Police's first squad had done to people like his father…
His fault. All his fault.
I'm sorry, Father. I'm sorry, Papa. He'd whispered those words to the dark as a young boy, biting his lip to keep from crying.
I'm sorry, Papa.
We're almost there. It was all worth it. The basement…
"What do you think could be in there?" Hange asked, snapping him back to the present.
Yes. What was in Grisha Jaeger's basement?
"Something he was forbidden to say," Erwin murmured.
Redemption. Fulfillment. Losing Marie, losing the chance to hold his own child in his arms. The sacrifice would finally pay off. I'm sorry, Papa.
Erwin had given up being a father to pay for his own father's life.
Even Levi, for all the people he'd murdered, didn't have the sin of patricide. Father-killing must be punished. All ancient stories demanded that a son who slays his father must live in utter misery…or die.
Something he was forbidden to say…
"No," Erwin continued. "Something that Grisha couldn't say, even if he'd wanted to."
The back of his neck itched. Erwin got the feeling Levi was staring straight at him.
They couldn't know what was in that basement just by sitting here and speculating. No, action was required.
He could feel Levi's gaze between his shoulder blades.
Petra, laying an unconscious hand over her stomach to shelter the tiny life growing inside of her. Levi's legacy. That sweet smile on her lips.
We'll get married the day you all leave. Three days.
"The operation to retake Wall Maria," Erwin said calmly, "will take place two days from now."
Excited murmurs met his words. If Levi had anything to say about that, he kept silent.
"So we want to know what's in the basement? Well, let's go see," Erwin said. He smiled; he'd always been told his smile was frightening. "Isn't that the Survey Corps way?"
He dismissed them, listened to them discuss the teams, Shadis, even securing red meat for tomorrow's dinner. The door closed as they herded themselves out, and Erwin sat there with his heart pounding, the door to the basement just in front of him…
He was not alone. Erwin looked up to find Levi with his back to the door, staring at Erwin. His shoulders were hunched. There was a dark, drawn look on his face.
"What is it, Levi?"
Did the captain want to know why they were leaving a day early? Did he want to know if Erwin had done that to interfere with his wedding plans? Erwin told himself that he hadn't…
He hoped that he hadn't.
"This may sound impatient," Levi grumbled, "but what are we going to do after retaking Wall Maria?"
Strategy, obviously. Identifying the enemy. Knowing what that enemy wanted, and why. Erwin told his captain as much.
"As I said before, let's think about that after we get to the basement."
"I'm asking because I don't know whether you'll live that long," Levi said. His eyes, always flat, were now cold as ice. So was his voice. Whatever the captain felt, he kept buried within himself. When Levi became like this, a glacier, a statue, it meant that he was keeping something explosive deep down inside. "You can't move like you used to. Way you are right now, you're gonna be titan food."
Erwin's momentary haze of glory evaporated. For an instant, he'd been the young man he was all those years ago, twenty-two, the world an endless horizon. Now he clutched at his empty sleeve. For one moment, he wished he could strike Levi. It was petty, and it was wrong, but how dare he remind Erwin he was getting older. That his strongest days were behind him.
How dare Levi threaten Erwin's dream of that basement.
"Let Hange lead us in. I'm not dealing with your crippled ass," the captain said. "You stay here and wait for the good news. Petra'll need someone to look after her."
It was a cheap appeal to Erwin's vanity, pretending he'd be useful to the young woman. Petra Ral could handle herself beautifully. She did not need Erwin to play nursemaid, to hold her smelling salts. Besides, the idea of sitting in his office with Petra, talking quietly, perhaps playing a game of chess while they waited, it was all too tempting. He could imagine very easily that she was his girl, that she was pregnant with his future…
It hurt sometimes to have her so close, knowing that at the end of the day she'd leave him. Knowing that Levi would not stay with him all night because the man had to get home to someone else.
He still hasn't mentioned that I ruined his wedding day. Does he even know that I did? Does he even care?
"I'll tell 'em I kept on your ass about it until you gave in. That's what I'm gonna do, anyway. Okay?" Levi glowered at him. "I've been waiting for you to figure this out on your own, but it looks like I've gotta do it myself."
I'll sit with someone else's lover and someone else's child, waiting for someone else to do the work for me. For someone else to open the door and find my treasure.
Erwin thought of his father speaking animatedly, smiling as he told Erwin about—
"No," Erwin said.
Levi lifted his chin, maybe in anger, maybe in disbelief.
"I don't care," Erwin said. "Use me as bait." I don't care if I live or die. I just need to see the basement. That's all. I've waited almost thirty years for this. I'm not like you, Levi. I have nothing else to love or lose. "If I die, Hange takes over. If Hange dies, the chain of command stays in effect. This operation is dangerous, but it's the most important in human history." I'm making this mark on history, Levi. I will never have a child. This operation is my child. The basement is my legacy. You'll never know the pain of that, and for that I hate you a little. "I've put everything I have into this." Everything I am. "This is my plan. Without me, it's less likely to succeed."
"Yeah. Okay. You're right. Without you, the operation could fail." Levi did not budge from the door. His eyes were widening. Though he kept speaking in that monotone voice, Erwin could read him so easily. The man was getting angry. "And if you die? We're fucked. That's it for humanity. We don't need your body as much as we need your brain, Erwin. Keep using it. Nothing'll help humanity more than that."
Damn the man. He didn't know how wise he was. That was Levi all over, to know the truth and speak it and speak it until he moved the world. Erwin loved him so dearly for that quality, just as bitterly as he envied him. Levi's body was his great contribution to the world. Even at his most athletic, Erwin could never hope to match the smaller man's sheer talent. Erwin knew that his strategic mind was his great gift to the walls and the people within them.
If he were a good man, Erwin Smith would sacrifice any happiness in order to preserve humanity. But he wanted that basement. He wanted that reward. No one would deny him it. Not even the person he loved most.
"You're wrong," Erwin lied. "I can do the most good by joining in and—"
"Oi, oi, oi!" Levi barked. He reached out a hand to Erwin, the gesture of some ghoul from a crypt. His eyes were raw, gray fire. "You give me any more of that shit, I'll break your legs. Break 'em bad enough you'll have to stay behind. Petra'll have to help you hobble to the bathroom. She'll have to help you wipe your own ass. You want to do that to her?"
Levi was defiance in human form. It was what had first amazed Erwin about the man. It was what had made Erwin greedy for the possibilities that defiance presented when properly harnessed. Taming this man completely… Erwin would never have that from the real Levi. That night with Philippe, with "Levi", had been spectacular precisely because Erwin had finally mastered the man, even if only in his imagination. Only make believe. Erwin knew he had Levi's loyalty—his love—but he would never have Levi's complete submission.
In the end, Levi would capitulate to Erwin's choices, whatever they were. But he would never fully acquiesce. Erwin wanted that vitality as much as he wanted Levi's girl and his child and his life.
And Erwin…laughed.
Levi looked dumbfounded.
"You're right," Erwin said quietly. "A wounded soldier should stay off the battlefield."
Erwin could spend the day sitting with Petra, comforting her, taking comfort in her. None of the higher ups would regard him as a slacker or a coward. In fact, they'd think he was smart. Pixis had already hinted that Erwin was a dolt if he planned to go to Shiganshina himself. Erwin could spend the day with Petra, pretending for one bitter and sweet moment that she was his. That he had what Levi possessed, all of what he possessed. If he could not have Levi entirely, that was the next best thing. But…
"But you see," Erwin said quietly. Honestly. "I have to be there." He held Levi's stunned gaze. "I have to be there when we learn the truth of this world."
He needed to be the first one to know. He had paid in blood and broken hearts. It was his right.
Levi was shocked.
"It's…that important to you?" he croaked in disbelief. You could never understand me, Levi. You have something else in your life. You have a reason to live beyond shadows and ghosts and theories. You're alive. I've been dead for years. No. Erwin's best friend could never understand him. Was Levi even truly his friend? Or was the man attracted to what he perceived Erwin to be? A god. A great man. If Levi knew the real Erwin, he would despise him. Erwin had always known that, but it hurt to be reminded. "It matters more than your legs?"
"Yes."
Levi stepped forward. "More than humanity's victory?"
"Yes."
It was like watching a child learn that faeries don't exist. Levi seemed to deflate.
Now you see what I am. Erwin felt himself breaking apart, but he wouldn't let the pain show. I never cared about any of you. It was always for this one moment, Levi. It was always for me. I'm not a good man, and I never was. Good men—men like you—can't understand monsters. You can only kill them.
If Levi hated him now, then good. Erwin needed no one. And no one needed him.
"Fine," Levi said. It sounded like defeat. Utter defeat. He turned and opened the door, then spoke over his shoulder. "Erwin. I'll trust your judgment."
The door closed, and Erwin was completely alone.
Such a bridal fire for thee shall be kindled as ne'er yet has burned for a bride! Threatening flames shall flare round the fell: let withering terrors daunt the craven! Let cowards fly from Brunnhilde's rock! For one alone winneth the bride; one freer than I, the god!
Petra put the book down and rubbed her eyes. The sun had gone down a while ago, and the candles were starting to gutter. She had to be careful; they couldn't just afford new candles whenever they wanted. She sat up in bed and glanced at the table. Levi still wasn't back and it was now almost nine. She knew he wouldn't be carousing at any bars; maybe he and Hange and Erwin were still going over last minute plans for Shiganshina. Petra felt a twinge of resentment that she wasn't there for the meeting if so, but then again she wasn't going to Shiganshina. She sighed, and gazed at the sleek metal box.
She knew what was in it, of course. She didn't have to look to know it was the injection they'd taken from Rod Reiss. The one Kenny Ackerman had stolen. The one Kenny had given to Levi.
Petra had met Kenny in the underground, and even though she now knew he was Levi's uncle she still hated the man passionately. Levi had gleaned something in the last minutes of Kenny's life that Petra would never understand. She loved Levi enough to give him space to grieve the murdering bastard and to have some feelings of tenderness towards him. That didn't mean Petra forgave Kenny a thing. He'd tortured her in the underground, and she was glad he was dead.
But Levi had sat at the table after Kenny died and gazed into the candle flame for hours. He'd mulled over what had passed between the two men at the last moments of his uncle's life. Petra didn't pry, but he'd told her a little about it.
Do you think we're all slaves to something? he asked. She hadn't known how to answer.
Petra looked at the book again, opened back to the page.
Thy brightly glittering eyes, that, smiling, oft I caressed
when valor won a kiss as guerdon,
when childish lispings of heroes' praise from sweetest lips has flowed forth:
those gleaming radiant eyes that oft in storms on me shone,
when hopeless yearning my heart had wasted,
when world's delights all my wishes wakened,
thro' wild wildering sadness: once more today, lured by their light,
my lips shall give them love's farewell!
On mortal more blessed once may they beam: on me, hapless immortal,
must they close now forever.
Levi was right; Erwin's books were a little more complicated than what she usually read. But she enjoyed the way the rhythm of the words made her think. She saw such spectacular images. And there was something so sad about the words that made her imagine Erwin in particular.
The door slammed open, and Petra dropped the book. Levi barged inside and kicked the door closed. He looked as contained as ever, but the energy around him was as raw as a lightning storm. Petra frowned.
"Levi? What is it?"
"Hmm? Nothing." He ripped off his jacket, slammed open the cupboard, and hung his coat on a peg. He then whacked the door closed and collapsed into a seat at their table, kicking off his boots. He worked his jaw as he stared out the window into the darkness. He paid her no mind at all. Petra pushed back the sheets and stood before him.
"You know that's not true. What is it?" Her heart beat faster. "Did something happen to Erwin?"
"Nah. Nah, he's as fucking insane as ever. Gambling fuck." Levi glanced at her, then at the bed. He noticed her book, and frowned, puzzled. "What's that?"
"Erwin let me borrow it. It's poetry."
"Poetry?" He snorted. "Yeah. Yeah, Erwin's real fuckin' poetic."
Petra took a chair and sat, laying her hand atop his. Levi made no move to shove her off or to take her hand. He just stared out the window into nothing.
"What did he do?"
"You know, I thought he was a reasonable guy." Levi's nostrils flared. She knew him; she knew he was doing his best not to turn the furniture over. Petra had no fear for herself. He would sooner kill himself than ever hurt her. But it pained her to see him like this.
She could guess what he meant.
"I tried to get him to stay behind, too," she murmured. "I think he's obsessed with that basement."
"You think?" Levi grumbled. He got up and stalked to the bed, picking up the Ring as he paced back and forth across the room. "You think you know someone," he grumbled. Then, "You think you know who you are cause you know who he is."
"You're not making sense."
He threw the book onto the bed with violent force. Petra's breath caught in her throat as Levi wheeled around and kicked their door. It shuddered so hard Petra feared the wood would split down the middle.
"Levi. What…?"
"When we were in the titan forest," he said, the words wrenched as if someone were torturing them from his lips, "I wanted to go back and get the squad right away."
Petra's mouth fell open.
"I was going, and he said to stop and refill my gas and blades."
"Yes. And you did."
"I asked him…" Levi swallowed, his leg vibrating as he stared at the ceiling. "I said I had plenty. I asked him why. He said… He said it was an order. Just do what he said."
Petra lost feeling in her arms for a second. He did not have to say anything more; she understood. If Erwin had told Levi that the female titan could still be out there, Levi would have rushed off without filling up. He would have leapt into danger to save his squad. Erwin had known that; he had kept that information from Levi in order to get him to replenish his blades.
He had hidden the truth, knowing that it could cost the others their lives.
"Levi… What…?"
"I said 'okay, Erwin. I'll trust your judgment.' Trust your judgment. And now, I don't know. I don't know." He paced back and forth again, a rat trapped in one of Hange's mazes. "I don't know if he cares about us at all." The words were ripped from him. He sat down on the bed and put his head in his hands.
"Why are you telling me this?" She felt ready to be sick.
"He knows… He knows him staying behind is the best chance humanity's got. But he's gotta be on the ground. He's gotta be the first to see that fucking basement," he hissed. Levi knotted his fingers together, stared at his hands. "I asked him…I asked if him seeing it was more important than humanity. Petra." He looked at her; his eyes were molten, his expression lost. "He said yes."
Petra was stuck in that forest of giant trees. She could see Oruo herding Eren through the forest to make the rendezvous. Levi had had the knowledge that could have saved her friends. He'd known killing the female was impossible given her level of skill and their level of information. If Eld and the others had known, they'd have run, not tried to kill her. Nifa, Gunther, Eld…Oruo. They'd be alive right now. Levi would have made it in time.
Erwin had lied. He had sacrificed Nifa, Gunther, Eld…and Oruo. Oruo, her oldest friend in the world. He'd been smashed like a bug…and Erwin had kept Levi from saving him.
She couldn't breathe. She couldn't get enough air. Petra shook her head, clutched her stomach. She had a sharp pain that passed.
"That… The Commander… Erwin was just upset. I know him." She swallowed to ease the tightness in her throat. "You know him, too, better than anyone. He cares about all of us. He's given his whole life to the cause. He's just excited." She sat beside Levi on the bed and took his hands in hers. He let her, but was still stiff. "You can't blame him for getting carried away in the moment. He doesn't really mean that."
Levi relaxed a bit, but was still lost in his thoughts. Petra kissed his cheek.
"He moved the timetable up," Levi grunted. "We're going in two days."
"What?" She dropped his hand in shock. No. No, that was… "But we were supposed to get married before—"
"Ah, shit." Levi lay back on the bed, continuing to swear. Petra gaped at him in astonishment.
"You forgot, didn't you? That we were getting married?"
"I didn't forget the wedding! I guess I forgot what day it was. Sorry." He kept grumbling as he rubbed his forehead. She knew him; Levi wasn't lying. He was genuinely sorry…and he'd genuinely forgotten the date, even though it was mere days away. She understood he was doing this out of duty, not desire. He was never cruel about it, but he didn't hide the truth. The truth made Petra want to cry a little.
"Why would Erwin do that?" she muttered.
"He couldn't have known. Probably so jumped up and horny for that basement he wanted to get out on the field as soon as possible."
"No." Petra stared at him. "I told him earlier today, when you were all with Shadis. I invited him to the wedding."
Levi sat up slowly. "You told him the date?"
"Yes. I said it was the day you all left. He knew what that meant." Petra's head began to hurt. "Why…I don't understand why he moved the expedition up if that's the case."
Levi kissed her shoulder. "Baby, he's a man. He doesn't remember that shit. For fuck sake, I'm the groom and it slipped my own fucking mind."
"Yes, let's talk about that."
"Come on, Petra," he growled. "Erwin Smith's got a lot of problems, but our wedding isn't one."
No. No, of course he was right. Petra wrapped her arms around him and soothed him. She told him what he needed to hear: that Erwin was passionate about humanity's survival; that he'd spoken out of desperation, not truth; that she could visit the pastor tomorrow and ask them to move the wedding up by a day. By the time she was done, she could tell Levi hadn't been convinced, but he had calmed down. She put the poetry away and lay down with him, held him and let herself be held.
But all that night, even in his arms, all she could think about was Erwin Smith.
Lying.
It was the next day. Afternoon. The sky was fire outside, and his head was on fire within. Erwin sat behind his desk, the bottle of medicine half empty before him. He shut his eyes to try for some equilibrium. He'd been given some opium to help with the worst pain. This was the last day he could use it; he had to be alert tomorrow. Tomorrow could be his last full day on earth.
In a dark, sick corner of his soul, he hoped it would be. Everything hurt. The phantom limb tortured him. The ghosts berated him. His own unsatisfying life lay spread out before him as a taunt. The basement. He had to get to the basement.
When he was like this, high and sick, he thought bitterly about how much he hated the basement. It was like a fickle woman that obsessed him; it made his life a nightmare, and yet it was the only thing that could make him feel better.
He'd read once that the pursuit of something was sweeter than the thing itself. That getting what you earnestly prayed for gave more pain than being forever denied it.
He was in agony without, and if he received the blessing? Would the suffering abate? Or would it grow more acute?
I hope I die.
He rubbed his face, cursed as his entire phantom limb was on fire for one brief instant. Was there no end to it? No end to the shame, and the hurt? Was there no real medicine in this world?
A knock came at the door, and Petra Ral entered.
Erwin sat straight up. In his drugged state, with the sunlight flaring all around her, she seemed surrounded by a ring of fire. Glorious. Beautiful. Untouchable.
"Wh-what… Petra. Hello," he slurred. He fumbled for the bottle to hide it. She very sensibly picked it up, stoppered it, and placed it to the side.
"It's all right. It's only medicine," she said softly.
"You should be with Levi." Erwin had given everyone the day off. He'd imagined Levi and Petra would spend the day making final plans for the baby, or making love. He'd tried not to imagine that last one too much. His body ached; he wondered if he might make his way to Eugenia's tonight, for a final caress from Justine. In total darkness, of course. Not in a ring of fire. Fire was for heroes, and he was no hero. Just a god.
"I will. Later on." She came around the desk. He turned his chair to face her. The way she was looking down on him… "Sir. I have to ask you a question."
"Sir? Erwin. We said—"
"Sir. Why did you move the expedition up by a day?" Her amber eyes were hurt. His blood froze in his veins, coward that he was.
"I received new information at the squad leaders' meeting. I decided we needed to move as quickly as possible."
"But you know…my wedding." She cleared her throat. "You know Levi and I wanted to be married before he left."
"I…" I don't have the strength to stand in a chapel and watch Levi attain you. I can't watch your happiness, the both of you. I want to deny you, as I've been denied. "I forgot," he said simply. "Forgive me, Petra. I became excited and…I forgot." Coward. He sighed, and smoothed back his hair. He wobbled a bit. "Were you able to reschedule?"
"No," she said flatly. He could see now that this girl was mad. Furious, even. She wouldn't yell at him; she respected his role. But he'd hurt her. Erwin had never seen scorn in her eyes before. It was glittering, sharp, and beautiful. "The pastor isn't there today, and they're booked up on weddings for the next morning and afternoon. I know you're all leaving at sundown, so. Levi and I won't be married before he goes."
Good. It was hateful. Erwin could not help the delight he felt at seeing her disappointment. He cared for the girl, loved Levi, and he was sick to the core at the sight of their joy. He couldn't bear it. Not before he'd seen the basement. Once he had his heart's desire, he'd be in a better place to see them attain theirs.
I'm a true devil, aren't I?
"Petra, I'm so sorry. I got carried away by my own enthusiasm. I just…want to go—"
"To the basement," she finished quietly. "I know." The set of her shoulders loosened. Apparently he'd convinced her that he was simply a thoughtless man, not someone who hated the idea of her happiness. "Well, Levi should have mentioned it at the meeting. But he didn't even think to." She looked at his desk, almost embarrassed. "I wonder if he was relieved you were going early."
"Levi will do his duty," Erwin said, unsure what reaction was acceptable.
"That doesn't mean he wants to, though." Petra rubbed her eyes. Erwin realized she was struggling not to cry, and felt helpless.
"I…"
"I'm sorry, sir. Erwin. I'm just scared. I'm really scared," she gasped, and turned her back on him. He wanted to touch her. He wanted to hold her, to let her know that he understood. If he were to stay here, he'd be alone with her while the others risked their lives at Shiganshina. She would perhaps cling to him out of fear for her beloved. He could touch her.
He did not touch anyone these days. Not unless he paid for it, or, in the case of Anka, not unless neither of them much cared.
To touch Petra would be to absorb fire into his skin.
"He'll be safe. He'll come home to you," Erwin said gently. Seeing her in such pain and fear, he suddenly hated himself for the pettiness he'd employed in canceling her wedding. "I won't let him die."
"Do you let people die on these missions?" She blurted it out, turning on him while wiping away tears. Something had triggered her; she was angry again. "Do you choose who dies?"
He didn't understand, but he felt guilty all the same.
"I'm not a good man, Petra. A good man can't afford to be in my position." His head ached fiercely. He leaned an elbow on the arm of his chair, hid his face. He wanted to sleep, but even in his dreams he was confronted with himself. "I can only hope that every death has meaning. I fight to make certain that no one dies in vain. It's not much, but it's the best I can do."
Silence. He could feel her anger burn out. He looked up as she knelt at his feet, so that she could more easily look him in the eye.
"I'm sorry, Erwin. I'm being selfish." She looked ashamed.
"You're a pregnant woman whose fiancé is going on the most dangerous mission in human history. You are the last person who should ever apologize, and especially to me."
"Levi wants you to stay behind," she said gently. Her hand touched his arm, briefly, but he felt it surge through him. "I want you to stay, too."
"Do you?" His voice was hoarse.
"Yes." She smiled. There was sunlight in that smile. She looked at him with warmth. He felt like a man. A wonderful feeling. Then she said, "You're the best hope humanity has. We can't lose you."
We.
It was like a prayer to a god. Please, bless us and protect us. Please keep watch over us. They were words of adoration, spoken by people who saw something beyond human. Something that could not be touched.
"Ah." His head felt like it was splitting open. He leaned forward, burying his face in his hand.
"Erwin?"
"Sorry. The pain." His voice almost trembled. He felt her touch again, on his upper arm. She was close enough that he could feel her breath.
"I'm sorry! Do you need more medicine?"
"No." Please, keep touching me. I need it. "Levi is still angry with me, I know."
"He's worried."
"Because you can't lose humanity's future." He could not stop bitterness from creeping into his voice.
"No." She sounded chastened. "No, because he cares about you a lot. You're his friend."
Friend. If Levi knew that his 'friend' had wrecked his wedding to suit his own selfish inclinations… No, they weren't real friends. Couldn't be. Erwin had shown Levi a glimpse of what he really was, and the other man had gone running. I have no friends. I'm alone.
Except for her. This woman was real, and in front of him. So close…
"And you, Petra?" He shouldn't, but he did. He looked up, met her fiery gaze. "Are you worried at all?"
"Of course I am." She was all sincerity. All sweetness. She beamed at him. "I care about you. I want you to be all right."
He wavered on the edge of a bad decision, and then let himself plummet. In the haze of his pain and his high, he noticed her eyes widen as Erwin leaned in and pressed his lips to hers.
It was drinking the sun. He felt her brightness inside of him, felt it envelop him. He could not remember kissing lips more delicate than these. She made a soft little noise of surprise when he kissed her, and he felt that sound shiver through him. Arouse him. Such a soft, gentle, feminine sound. There was nothing soft or gentle or feminine in his life. Save me, Petra. Stay with me.
He moaned in his throat as he lifted a hand to cup the back of her head, as he kissed her again, opening his mouth to—
"No."
She threw herself away from him, scrambled to her feet. She clutched the edge of the desk to help herself up, then hurried around it to have a barrier between the two of them. Erwin saw horror in her face. Utter shock. She hadn't wanted it. Never would want it. She clutched at her throat, touched her lips as if to wipe his kiss away. He'd polluted her.
"Petra." He should rise, but didn't think he could move. "I…"
"No. I love him." She shook her head, looked frightened. "I never meant to give you the impression… If I did, I'm sorry. But I don't…want that."
Look at the creature he'd become. A man high on painkillers, clumsily attempting to seduce the woman who loved his supposed best friend. If Erwin Smith had not hated himself before, if he had not seen just what a devil he'd become, then this moment was his awakening. He'd long fancied himself alone because he was more than common men. A god, yes. A cruel, sacrificial god, but a god nonetheless.
Now he saw what he truly was: a man hovering around middle age, a whoremonger who lusted after women who were too good for him. He was some goat, some lecherous satyr from the old myths who chased horrified woodland nymphs around, trying to rut with them.
I want to die.
"Please. Please forgive me." He got to his feet, and she shrank away. She feared him. He repulsed her. "I'm in pain. I'm on medication. I don't know what I'm doing."
"I know," she said quickly.
"I'm…lonely," he said, knowing as it left his tongue it was the wrong word. Petra winced, hid her face.
"Is this why you screwed up the wedding?" She glared at him now, all accusations. Erwin was too high and too miserable to present a convincing façade. She saw the truth. Her lip curled. "Oh my god."
"No, it's not that. Not exactly. Listen."
But she turned and ran. Petra raced out of his office, slamming the door behind her. Erwin sank back into his chair, stared at the ceiling as the afternoon sun disappeared and night came on.
Well. One good thing might come out of all this: Levi could kill him, and the suffering would finally end.
Maybe he shouldn't have kicked those brats in the stomach, but he couldn't get Erwin out of his mind. Levi carried a mug of ale out of the barracks, drinking it because they didn't have any tea and he wanted something right now. He'd yelled at everyone to go to bed, even though it'd be wise for them all to stay up a little later. They were going to leave tomorrow afternoon and ride through the night; if they could sleep until at least noon tomorrow, that'd be good.
Does it matter more than humanity's future?
Yes.
Erwin had looked at him with those goddamn blue eyes of his and he had said yes. He'd meant it. Petra could say what she liked, try to make gracious excuses, but she hadn't seen what Levi had. Erwin meant it.
This dream of his mattered more than the lives of his comrades. Okay. Levi could understand such a thing when the dream was humanity's future.
But it wasn't. It was the basement. Erwin just wanted to know.
Levi took a pull of beer and sauntered towards the back. The streets would be quiet at this time, the dinner hour. He could be by himself for a bit. Just thinking.
But even that wasn't meant to be. He slowed down as he heard voices up ahead. Eren, Mikasa, and Armin. The three of them, always together.
Levi, Furlan, and Isabel. Always together.
Levi winced. Maybe that was why he was such a soft touch with these brats in particular. The good old days. Back when Isabel had hung around him and laughed and cursed and called him her big brother. She'd been his little kid. He'd raised her…
She died. Levi shut his eyes, wanted to walk away.
"I guess humans are so different from each other because of times like this," Armin said. Levi listened to them again. Yeah. They'd been talking about the virtues of teamwork or some shit. Eren was still hunched over a little from when Levi'd struck him in the solar plexus. Damn. Maybe Levi'd been too rough with the kid. But he couldn't stop the anger.
More important than humanity's future?
Yes.
Levi would kill to go back to his life before Erwin said those words. He just wanted to go back…
"When we retake Wall Maria and defeat our enemies, can we go back?" Mikasa asked softly. "Back to those days?"
The kid's voice pulled him in. Levi set down his tankard of ale and put his back to the wall. He slid down to sit, listened. Pretty shit of him to eavesdrop on a private moment between friends, but he needed this. Petra was out, probably at her sister's. Erwin was…whatever Erwin was. Levi just listened.
"Some things are gone forever," Eren said. "They'll have to pay for that."
Right. Levi sank into the mire of Eren and Mikasa's thoughts. He shared Mikasa's yearning for things gone forever; he shared Eren's anger.
Only Armin remained. He didn't understand that kid.
"The sea. Remember? A giant lake filled with so much salt the merchants could never collect it all," Armin said, wonder in his voice. "There's more than titans outside the walls. Burning water. Lands made of ice."
The kid's voice pitched higher in excitement as he described fanciful, fairy tale nonsense that supposedly lay outside.
"I joined the Survey Corps so I could go outside and see all that!"
Levi smiled a little. Kid joined the Survey Corps to see all the beauty this world had to offer? There was no one like him. Not even Erwin.
Someone stepped out of the shadows, stood in front of him. Petra gazed past him out the door, listening as well.
"Let's start by going to the sea!" Armin cried, bursting with excitement. "Saltwater that stretches to the horizon! There's even species of fish there you can't find anywhere else!"
Fish. Kid was ecstatic about fish.
Furlan used to read all those different books and talk about them for hours…
Levi waved her over, patted the space by his side. His girl gently sat beside him, rested her head on his shoulder. He smelled the lilac in her hair, and closed his eyes. He and Petra rested and listened to the kids.
"You believe me, don't you?" Armin cried. "It's out there! Just you wait!"
Eren laughed. It was a warm, genuinely happy sound. Rare for the fiery kid.
"Fine," he said.
"Okay! It's a promise! No takebacks!" Armin cried.
"What are you two going on about now?" Mikasa sounded so fond. Petra grinned, nestled against him. It was peace. Her in his arms, the happy laughter of kids who still didn't know all the world's dirty tricks.
They loved one another, those three. It was more than comrades, more than friends. It was family.
Once, Levi'd known exactly what that felt like.
His girl kissed his cheek gently. His arm hooked around her waist, his hand tracing her pregnant stomach.
He'd like to think he could know that feeling again. Family. But…
But who the hell knew, anyway?
"You're looking better," Petra said when they returned to the room. She smiled at him as she unbuttoned her blouse to get ready for bed. "Did you clear your head today?"
"Ah. Yeah." Erwin was still bothering him, but the kids had soothed his soul. He didn't want to weigh her down with his bullshit, anyway. Levi kissed her, cupped her naked breast in his hand. She wrapped herself around him, urged him toward the bed. "Wait." He hated to say wait at a time like this, but it was important. "Guess we can't get married tomorrow, huh?"
"No." She sighed.
"I know you're worried in case I don't come back. I don't want the kid to be a bastard. So." He took a ring out of his pocket. It was a cheap brass ring, one he'd bought for a few coins at a stall, but it would do. Petra gaped in surprise, slipped it onto her finger. It fit well. "If I don't come back, you can pretend. No one'll dig into it. Brigitta can help cover for you; she's a good kid."
"Thank you." She looked at the ring on her left hand. Huh. Weird to see her wearing a wedding band. His wedding band. "You know, you never actually asked me to marry you."
"Tch. Gonna get sentimental on me, Ral? You know I hate that shit." He gripped her hair and kissed her, but she laid a gentle hand on his chest.
"I guess I'd like to know," she said slowly, "why you want to marry me."
Ah, fuck. How was he gonna negotiate this?
"Because you're pregnant and it's good for the kid if we're married." He sighed. "I love you, you know. You're the only person I'd ever marry."
"Mmm." She looked distant. Weird, normally she'd be all over his ass prying words from his lips. "I love you, too. I'm…sorry you don't want to marry me."
Ah, fuck. "It's not you. I don't want to marry anyone. But I'll marry you because it's what you need. Marriage doesn't mean shit to me, Petra. You know that."
"I do."
"So I'm doing this because it's important to you. I can't help it if it's not important to me, and I don't want to pretend it is."
Honesty. Blunt, surly honesty. His specialty. He took her face in his hands and kissed her.
"But I'll love you until the day I die," he said. "I won't pretend otherwise."
She smiled gently, kissed him. Accepted him.
"Thank you for the ring. It was thoughtful."
"Tch. Well, Erwin got you the fucking bigass poetry Ring, so I figured you needed something more useful." She stiffened in his arms. He frowned. "What's wrong? Pet?"
"I'm…" She paused, then shook her head. She kissed his lips. "It's nothing. I like your ring more than his," she whispered. Levi grinned a little.
"Well, good. Got something else you can like." He lifted her in his arms and carried her to the bed.
Their lovemaking was slow and full. He tasted every inch of her skin, savored every thrust. She clung to him, her brow wrinkled, moaning as she rippled around him. They shared every breath, moved their hips in perfect unison. Sweat stung his eyes and beaded on the tips of his hair; sweat gleamed on her body. This time, he made it last as long as he could. He almost hated it when the orgasm crashed over him, because it meant their lovemaking time was getting shorter. Done, they lay tangled in each other's arms. Maybe he didn't want to marry this girl, because marriage was such a fucking joke. But the way he felt for her was no act. No joke.
"Remind me again what you'll do when I'm in Shiganshina," he whispered.
"I'll wake up after a good night's sleep and take a hot shower," she began. She kissed him.
They kept kissing, and the plans fell by the wayside. He didn't need to hear them again, anyway.
They'd eaten breakfast and lunch and rested every other minute. Levi had lain fast asleep in her arms for as long as he could. The hardest part of the whole mission was when the bells tolled five and he had to get up and get dressed. He lay on top of her, stroking her cheek as he thought about all the steps he'd have to take now without her near. He might never see these eyes again. Kiss these lips. She embraced him one more time, kissed him, and then all but kicked him out of bed to get dressed. Petra Ral understood him. She knew he needed her to remind him of his duty right now.
Levi got dressed in his uniform and went alone to meet Erwin and Hange and the other squad leaders. They saluted Zackley, Pixis, even fucking Nile. Levi clenched his right fist over his heart.
Erwin didn't have a right fist any longer, so he used his left.
Fucker was going to be useless with only one arm…
Worth humanity's future?
Yes.
Levi had to keep it together. He hadn't spoken to Hange of this. He wouldn't. Right now, she needed to believe that Erwin was the god they all knew him to be. Levi wouldn't put this burden on anyone else.
Erwin didn't try talking to him as they headed out. Good.
They arrived at the wall, where the horses were waiting to be lifted over on the elevators. The one big downside of being based in Trost was the fact that the fucking gate was plugged up forever. It made leaving on horseback a lot more fucking tedious. Erwin, Hange, and the other leaders went to assemble their troops.
Petra appeared, wearing that sky blue dress of hers. The sight of it alone relaxed him.
"Let me look at you," he murmured.
She had tears in her eyes, tears she blinked away fast.
"I wanted you to have something to really remember," she whispered.
Levi did not do the whole kissing in public thing. It was for assholes. But this one time, he forgot himself. He held her, he kissed her. He kissed her twice, three times. He held onto his girl and tried to imagine an alternate reality where he was leaving right now with no one to say goodbye to. Nothing to come home to.
What a sad son of a bitch he'd be.
"Wait for me," he whispered.
"Always. Here." She took his right hand and laid it over her stomach. Petra grinned. "We'll be right here, waiting for you." Then, "Your Papa's going to Shiganshina. He's going to get Wall Maria back for you," she said in a singsong voice.
Levi knew that Petra was pregnant. But something about hearing her actually talk to the growing kid…
It was…different. He patted her stomach. She wasn't showing at all yet, but soon. Soon.
He'd be there to see it.
"Be good, I guess. Be good for your mom," he muttered. Felt weird talking to Petra's stomach. Kid could only be the size of a bean at this point. But soon, he'd grow.
It felt like—
"Levi. Your squad's up." Erwin appeared beside him. Petra kept gazing at the ground.
"Yeah. Okay." He leaned in and kissed his girl one last time. "I'll be back."
"I know." She squeezed his hand. He could feel the hard brass ring. "I'll be here."
Levi Ackerman looked at his girl, then turned around and headed to war.
"Petra—"
"He doesn't know. I'm not going to tell him." She wouldn't look at Erwin. Well, it was what he deserved. "You've got enough problems right now."
"Thank you." It felt so cheap, like thanking her for not getting him in trouble with the teacher. Erwin winced. "I'm sorry for what I did."
"I know." Her voice gentled. "I know it's not easy being you. I'm sorry. And I know that you're the only one who can get him home safe." She looked up at him with bright, angry eyes. "I know I shouldn't say this, but that's all I want. If you can't take Shiganshina, and if everyone else dies, I just want him to come back."
Everyone else. He was among those acceptable casualties. He knew Petra would rather they all lived; but none mattered to her like Levi. That was love, wasn't it?
He'd never know such love from her.
"He'll come home to you."
Not 'I'll bring him home.' Petra seemed to notice the distinction. Her hard gaze softened.
"Take care of yourself. Please. Don't die."
"Humanity has a long way to go yet," he said. Weary. "I can't."
"Not for humanity." She smiled gently. "I don't want you to die. So please don't."
It was forgiveness. Forgiveness he didn't deserve. He could have fallen at her feet and kissed her hand, but she wouldn't have liked it. Instead, Erwin Smith saluted her. She saluted back.
"Wait for us," he said.
"I will."
Erwin strode to the elevators with a renewed burst of energy. He stood on the rickety platform and rose a hundred feet into the air. He joined his Corps on the edge of the wall, looking down onto Trost one last time.
My hometown. The last he might ever see of it.
And the streets were filling with people.
"Haaangeee!"
Hange, beside him, made a startled noise. "Flegel?"
Yes. It was. And more and more people joined the man, calling out for Levi, for Erwin. Thanking them. Telling them to take back Wall Maria. Celebrating them.
"Well, fuck. No one was supposed to know about this," Levi grumbled. Erwin smiled. Apparently, ordering red meat from the Reeves Company for a special mission meant word would get around. He'd never seen crowds like these before. Not cheering ones, at least.
"Has the Survey Corps ever had a send off like this?" Marlena asked.
"As far as I know," Erwin said, "it's a first."
He looked down on those uplifted faces. He heard their shouted words of hope and love.
In the middle of a crowd, he saw Petra in a blue dress. She gazed up at him, awestruck.
Fire swelled inside of him. Erwin lifted his fist to the air, and roared. Levi and Hange both regarded him like he'd lost his mind, but he didn't care. He roared in triumph, and the crowd roared back.
He took that picture with him as he turned and pointed to the sunset. Eren and Mikasa gaped at him. Armin Arlert looked with wondering eyes.
"Commence the final operation to retake Wall Maria!" Erwin bellowed.
The horses and soldiers were lowered to the ground outside the wall. As the sunset faded, they mounted up and rode. They headed south, for destiny. For glory. For the basement.
For the first time in months, Erwin's phantom limb did not hurt.
She stood there until the last cries faded on the other side of the wall, until the excited citizens of Trost cheered themselves out and walked away.
Petra touched her stomach.
We'll wait for you.
She stood in the shadow of the wall until night fell fully, then she went home.