The baby giggled, kicking his legs as she leaned over him. He had her coloring, golden and red, except for the piercing blue-gray eyes. Levi's eyes. Petra nuzzled her child, smiling as he cooed and giggled again. She kissed his cheek…
Then she woke up, and he was gone.
She lay on a cot in the medical bay, the early morning hauntingly quiet all around her. Nile had carried her downstairs, tailed by Rico and Anka. There'd been so much blood. The doctor had looked pityingly at her while he did what he could, but the verdict was…
These things happen, often with first pregnancies. He'd cleaned his glasses as he spoke. Nothing you did wrong. I'm sorry. But the good news is, in a few weeks you'll be ready to try again. I see no reason you couldn't be pregnant before the end of the summer.
But she'd never be pregnant again.
Petra breathed slowly, waiting for the tears to return. Yesterday evening, she'd mumbled to ask for Brigitta. Anka had gone for her. Nile had been so utterly kind as well. He'd looked down on her where she laid, real sadness in his eyes.
"I'm so sorry for you both," he'd said, all earnestness.
Brigitta had come and sat beside her, stroking Petra's hair as she cried into her pillow. She'd cried until she couldn't remember how to do anything else.
"As soon as they let you out of here, you can come stay with Edvard and me," she'd whispered. "When Levi comes home, he can join us."
When Levi came home—if he came home—the wedding would be off. They'd return the cradle. This one misadventure would never happen again. Right now, Petra should only have been thinking of his return. And it was the thing she most needed, truly. But…
Until she'd been on the threshold of having a husband and a child, Petra hadn't realized how badly she wanted both. There were women out there who could be happy without being a mother, or without getting married. Those women weren't any less than she was, but she wanted what she wanted. Now she knew what she'd desired. And she knew that she couldn't have it.
Please let him come home. I'll find a way to be content again.
It was her only option. Her heart lurched, her stomach sank. Let him come home to her, and she'd be happy.
Even as her heart kept breaking over and over again.
Petra felt so empty, a cup with the tea suddenly poured out. She huddled on her side, knees curled to her chest. She shivered, though she wasn't cold.
My baby.
It had been too early to tell the sex, but she could still picture him, the little boy with the red hair and light eyes. She'd never get to hold him now.
Petra shuddered as she burst into tears again, burying her face in the pillow. It would have been better to stay blissfully ignorant about potential motherhood. Better never to have known what she was missing.
Levi. Please come home. I need you.
Hours passed in a haze, as she flitted between wake and sleep. She stirred again when she heard gruff male voices above her. Petra's eyelids cracked; it was just dawn.
If they were coming home, it would be soon. Her whole body felt numb.
"This is the problem with having young women in the military." That brusque, oily voice was Zackley's. "They go into heat like bitches. Hmm. And some men get all the fun."
Petra decided to pretend to be asleep. If she 'woke' right now, she might kill him.
"Speak for yourself. There are plenty of fetching lady titans asking after me every day," Pixis drawled. He sounded a bit irritated; Zackley could have that effect, but the Garrison Commander had to be polite. "Why don't you go upstairs, sir? I'll be there shortly." Zackley shuffled away. "My dear, why don't you sit up? The heroes should be returning soon, if they return at all."
Petra sat up, rubbing her eyes. She felt numb, and also raw. Pixis looked on her with those twinkling, almost mischievous eyes of his. He took out a flask and unscrewed the metal top.
"I haven't eaten yet," she croaked.
"Of course not. It's a shame to waste good booze on food." He offered it to her. Fuck it, she needed a drink. Petra took a swig, wincing as the cheap gin burned through her. Her hand shook, and she dropped the flask. It smacked the floor, booze glugging out of it. Pixis gently picked it up and screwed the cap back on. "I once dreamed of running my own distillery. Sadly, that dream may be done. My attempts at bathtub gin are subpar at best. Perhaps I need a new bathtub."
Petra wanted to answer, but a sob burst out instead. She turned her face away, crying into her hands as Pixis paid rapt attention to a corner of the wall.
"I'll have Anka come get you," he said, and walked out. She wiped her cheeks. Pixis was a good man. Eccentric, but good. Soon Anka did come for her. The wry young woman was unusually gentle, helping Petra stand, wash her face and upper body, and put on a uniform. Her blue dress was gone, destroyed by all the blood. She nearly toppled over a couple of times; her stomach still ached, and the medicine combined with the alcohol and no breakfast wasn't helping.
"When we go upstairs, I'll find you something to eat," Anka said quietly. Petra's chin quivered.
"Th-thank you."
Anka squeezed her shoulder, then led her out. They went upstairs, headed towards the room with all the commanders assembled. It would be nice to see Nile, but her blood revolted at the idea of facing Zackley. Petra slowed as they walked by the gallery of windows, watching the pink streaks of dawn lighten the tops of the walls.
Then…
"Look." She stopped, and Anka did as well. There was…
A flare on top of the wall. Petra's heart beat so fast she could have fallen over.
Levi?
Anka knew what it meant and took off at a run, leaving Petra behind in a stupor. Petra heard her slam open the door and yell that the heroes had returned.
It was a green flare.
The mission had been a success.
Petra touched her stomach, then remembered there was nothing there to reassure any longer. She leaned against the window and let herself cry as everyone around her began rushing about, readying themselves to meet the Survey Corps.
Petra went with them, standing in a place of honor as the lifts came down from the wall carrying…
Was…was this everyone? Impossible. A hundred had gone out. Fewer than ten had returned.
Levi. Pulse pounding, she looked, and immediately found him. He looked grim, and tired, but he was absolutely alive and unharmed.
Petra cried out, but didn't run forward. They were military; they had to be disciplined. The crowds around them flung confetti into the air and cheered in joy. For a few sweet moments, her misery lifted and she beamed as she watched him dismount, walking down the path towards the waiting military brass.
He walked alongside Hange, both of them flanking Erwin Smith.
They'd come back together. Petra grinned…
"Oh my god." Anka gasped. Petra blinked at her, unsure what the issue was. Anka looked like she was staring at a ghost. Petra watched the approaching Commander and…
Oh.
His right arm. It…was back. How? How had…?
"Oh," she whispered. The titan shifters… Levi's injection…
"It seems Erwin Smith will be writing a long report," Pixis drawled. But he couldn't fool her.
He sounded a little scared.
Petra couldn't get to him. The crowds were massive, and Zackley and Pixis needed to speak to the three Corps leaders. Petra trailed after them, waiting for her moment, but grew so woozy she nearly fell. Anka was at her side, steadied her, and took her back to the medical bay.
"I'll have him see you as soon as he's done." She spoke firmly, without sentiment, but with evident kindness.
Petra lay there, hovering between wake and sleep after receiving another draught of medicine. She hated sleeping, because she would dream, and in her dreams she was holding her baby. When she woke again, she cried.
I don't think I can be happy again. It was a melodramatic thing to say, but she couldn't help meaning it. Petra's eyes grew blurry; she slept, she woke, she lived in an in between state. When awake, she longed to escape into a dreamless sleep; in her dreams, she wanted to be awake and away from false hope.
"Petra."
Then, finally, he was there. Levi knelt beside her, his rough hand in her hair.
"Baby. Look at me."
She cracked her eyes, gazed on his face. Maybe it was the light, but he seemed to have aged ten years since the day before yesterday. His forehead furrowed with concern; worry lined his eyes and the corners of his mouth.
"Levi." She leaned forward and kissed him. The touch of his lips steadied her. He wrapped her in his arms.
"Anka wouldn't tell me what was wrong. She said you were here. Petra, what happened?" He sounded gruff. Strained. She hated that he'd come home from what had evidently been a nightmare, albeit a victorious one, to find her like this.
"The…the baby," she whispered. She felt his arms stiffen. She gulped. "I'm sorry. I lost it."
She might as well have been clinging to a statue. He was there, but his mind was gone. She could feel it. His mouth was turned down in a frown, his eyes narrowed.
"You lost the baby," he said dully. Her chin quivered.
"The doctor s-said…" She had to hold back a sob. He kept touching her, stroking her hair mechanically, but he wasn't there. He was listening, too shocked to feel. "He said it happens with first pregnancies all the time."
She kept the hysterical thought to herself: that the baby had known they didn't want it, and had decided to go away. I lied; I wanted you. Please come back.
"Okay," Levi said, his voice lifeless.
"He said I could try again in a few weeks. I could be pregnant again before the end of August." No response from him, and it hurt like a knife. She'd secretly hoped he would kiss her and tell her that now he, too, realized what this had meant, and the wedding was still on and they'd still have a family and… He said nothing. Petra felt herself imploding. She tried to smile. "Heh. If you think about it, it's horrible but at least now I can keep both my promises to you." She had to force herself to keep from screaming the words. "No baby. No marriage. We can just go back to the way we were. Isn't that right?"
"Petra." He kissed her forehead, his mind still elsewhere. She could see him retreating away from her. After all the horror he'd endured in Shiganshina, now he returned and she was losing her mind as horribly as she'd lost their— "You need to rest. I'll talk to the doctor and find out when I can take you home."
"I…" He was so calm and practical about it all; did he not care? She suddenly wanted to shake him, but no. Not after Shiganshina. Maybe he was too burnt out on watching nearly a hundred people die all around him. He didn't have the resources inside of himself to mourn their baby.
Or he could have just been relieved.
She clutched at his arm. "Levi…"
"Rest, baby. That's what you need. I'll come back and get you. I need to talk to Erwin and Zackley." He gave her another brief kiss, then stood. He was staying calm, which she needed right now, but he was also leaving. She needed him.
"Levi. I need you." Her voice hitched. His stoic demeanor did not change.
He doesn't feel it like I do. He's trying not to show how relieved he is.
The realization crushed Petra.
"I'll come back and get you. It'll be okay," he said quietly, then turned and left. He just left her. Petra grasped at the empty air.
She was so miserable she couldn't even cry. All she could do was sleep.
I lost the baby. I lost the baby.
Her words still echoed in his head. Levi walked through the barracks, paying no attention to anyone who spoke. Someone could've set themselves on fire in front of him right now, and he'd have just walked around it.
The baby can't be gone. It's the whole reason I…
Erwin…
The memory of Erwin first emerging from that titan with those glowing, furious eyes haunted Levi like a ghost. All the way through the rest of that day—assembling the sobbing 104th, going to the basement, finding…what they'd found—Levi had been able to bear it because he reminded himself what was waiting for him back in Trost. He'd betrayed his best friend for the sake of his child; it was a trade most men would make.
When he learned the truth behind this world, Levi had been relieved he'd chosen Erwin all over again. With the entire fucking world united in their hatred of the people in the walls—of Eldians, the subjects of Ymir—who better to have on their side than Erwin Smith? Levi had consoled himself, told himself that even though he'd made this choice for the sake of an unborn baby, it'd been the right decision for everybody.
But now…
My baby is dead.
He'd wished for its death. He'd told Erwin he wanted it gone. The first day after Petra had told him, he'd fantasized about her accidentally miscarrying, terminating this growing problem before it ruined their lives. But that was before he'd destroyed Erwin Smith's soul for the kid.
Erwin had recovered quickly from his furious gaze once he'd fallen out of the titan. He spoke and acted as before, confident, brilliant, strong, and centered. But Levi would always know what he'd done to this man.
I did it for my baby.
My baby is dead.
Levi looked up to discover he'd walked all the way home. He was standing in their chamber, and staring down at the cradle on the floor beside the bed.
Petra'd spent too much money on this thing.
Levi picked up the fuzzy little lamb that Petra had bought. The thing gazed up at him with an idiot yarn grin.
Looks like you're never going to meet your new friend.
Levi grunted, hunched over when that thought landed a blow on his solar plexus. He dropped the toy onto his bed, then turned his gaze back to the cradle. It was simple, hewn from creamy wood, with a cute little heart carved into the head—
Levi kicked it as hard as he had ever kicked anything. The cradle smashed against the wall, breaking into kindling.
He stared at the ruins of the cradle, and then stomped on them. Again. And again. He picked up broken wooden pieces and flung them against the wall just to hear them crack. He kicked and stomped and broke them more and more and—
Levi. I need you.
Levi. Thank you.
He'd fucked up. He'd fucked them both over. He kicked so hard he lost his balance and had he been anyone else would've wound up splayed out on the floor. Levi caught himself and hunched over, crouched on the balls of his feet as he surveyed the shattered remains of the cradle.
I failed her. I failed him.
I failed…it.
He'd laid a hand on her stomach and imagined he could feel the developing life inside. In those last panicky moments in Shiganshina, choosing between Erwin and Armin, he'd imagined picking his kid up in his arms, seeing Petra cuddle it with so much affection, the kid toddling after him through the halls, the three of them drinking tea around a table in the afternoon, and then—
Levi gave a long, low cry, and put his hands over his mouth. His left leg trembled as his eyes blurred over, he…
He had not cried in six years, not since he'd stood over Isabel's remains and wept because his little girl had been taken from him, because he'd been such a fool, so selfish, so…
Levi Ackerman struggled against it, but the tears came. He collapsed onto the floor, sat there crying among the destruction.
Levi. Thank you. Then Erwin's hateful glance as he was reborn into a hell he thought he'd been rescued from.
Levi. I need you. She was lying there in the hospital now, drugged and miserable, and he'd just left her there.
Levi! Isabel waving to him as he galloped off into the rain, the last time he saw her alive. He'd just left her there.
The lamb gazed reproachfully at him with button eyes, waiting for a cute little friend who would never show up now.
The world wanted him dead, wanted everyone he knew and loved dead for the simple crime of being born.
I can't do this. I can't.
They were all slaves to something. What're you? A hero?
Levi sat there, head in his hands, and sobbed until he was empty. Then he wiped his face, got himself under control, picked up the broken pieces, and took them away so Petra wouldn't see when she came home.
The next morning, Levi took her home. She moved slowly, shambling until he lifted her into his arms and carried her back to the room. She could have walked some more, but her gut still ached and she was still sore between her legs, and he didn't want her to stagger around. He was kind, but distant. When he set her feet down on the floor of their chamber, he got straight to work looking after her. He handed her more comfortable clothes—the doctor said she should remain in bed for another couple of days. He put on some water for tea as she changed. When Petra went to pull back the covers, she saw the little lamb. She gasped, hand over her mouth. Levi turned, saw it, cursed.
"Fuck. I didn't remember to get rid of it. Sorry. I didn't sleep last night," he grumbled, going to pick it up. Petra snatched it and held it to her chest.
"I want it," she whispered. A real baby thing to say, but she couldn't help it. The tears fell once more, and she burst into wracking sobs as Levi gently guided her into the bed. He kissed her forehead, but said nothing while he brewed the tea. Petra rubbed the lamb's fuzzy head along her chin.
"There's some bread here. I'll bring you something else for dinner," he murmured. Levi brought over her cup and a plate, set them down. She clutched his arm.
"Please stay with me. I need you."
His eyes softened, but he shook his head. "Hange and I need to deal with more of that damn paperwork."
"Of course." She released him, toyed listlessly with her lamb. Levi hovered nearby, awkward. "Can we talk just a little?"
He paused. Sighed. "Yeah."
Her stomach roiled. "Are you happy I lost the baby?"
"Petra, fuck."
"I just want to know." Her cheeks felt so warm. She dropped the lamb. "Are you glad we can go back to how things were, just you and me, with no wedding and no baby?"
"What do you want me to say?" He sounded flat. She gripped the sides of her head.
"I want you to say what you're thinking!"
"I'm not thinking anything. That's the truth."
She looked at him, frustrated enough to cry. He sighed, pulled up a chair, and sat next to her.
"What we found in the basement, it… Petra, it's a good thing we're not bringing a child into this world." He shrugged. "That's how I feel."
The tears tracked down her cheeks.
"What if I didn't care about the danger?" she muttered.
"When I tell you what we saw—"
"Then tell me now! What was it? How bad could it be?" she shrieked. Levi drew away, his face paler than ever. She knew she was starting to scream. She knew she had to look hysterical. She didn't care. She grasped his collar, tugged at him. "Tell me! I can't take this anymore, I have to know why we can't…"
She broke then, sobbing anew. He sat on the edge of the bed and quieted her, kissed her, made her lie down. He hung over her, stroking her cheek as she cried herself out.
"Baby, this isn't good for you to hear right now."
"I can handle it."
"I don't think you can, Petra. And I need to go see Hange." He kissed her forehead.
"Not Erwin?" She was genuinely puzzled.
"Erwin's…resting." The slight pause turned up her ears. He evaded her gaze. "He just came back from the dead, or nearly. He needs to rest."
He and I are alike in that. Petra lay there, sullen, as he got up and put on his jacket.
"Both of you need to rest. We'll talk tonight." He sounded so distant. Like she was easy to slough off now that she was broken. Petra was broken. She was absolutely broken.
The tears wouldn't stop.
"Talk to me," she said.
"Tonight. I promise." He all but leapt out of the room. It was more comfortable to leave her here. Petra stayed where she was for a while, until the tea had grown cold. Her thoughts swung brokenly here and there; she couldn't be alone with them. Her baby was gone, and Levi thought it was good. Because of the basement. And he wouldn't say…
Someone had to help her.
Erwin's resting.
Grunting, Petra got out of bed and dressed. She ignored the bottle of medicine on the table. It made her wobbly, and right now she needed to stand firm. She put on her shoes and left, clacking along the empty halls. The Survey Corps barracks was now a memorial for the dead. Only ten remained, including her.
One of them she needed to speak with. Now.
Petra knocked on Erwin's door. She heard him shuffling inside, though he didn't answer. She knocked harder.
"Sir. Erwin. It's Petra. Please."
A moment passed. "Come in."
She entered and found him in the center of his little room, standing by the window where he was haloed by the bright morning. Erwin wasn't wearing socks or shoes, and his shirt was untucked, the tails loose. His sleeves were rolled, and he was gazing at his outstretched arms.
The right arm was there. He wriggled his fingers. Petra felt cold horror ripple over her body, and fought the urge to hurry out.
"I used to have a scar by my elbow," he said quietly. He was talking to himself more than to her. "A burn mark at my thumb, from when I touched a hot stove as a boy. They're gone now. It's my arm, but…brand new."
"Erwin?" She stepped nearer. He seemed to emerge from a trance, gazing at her.
"Petra. We did it." His piercing blue eyes traveled past her to the door. "I saw. I saw the basement." A strange sort of smile tugged at his mouth. No wonder Levi had hidden Erwin away in this room; the man looked half out of his mind.
"What did you see?" she whispered. He frowned. "Levi won't tell me."
"Oh. You can't imagine." The strange, distant expression melted away. Warm, brilliant excitement shone in his eyes. "Petra. They're alive."
"Who is?" She sat down at the table, her knees too weak to stand.
"Humanity didn't perish. My father was right." He grinned, lost in a world within himself. "I was right."
She smiled gently. At least someone was happy. And…
"Humanity? You mean—"
"There are countries out there. Continents. Civilizations. Their technology surpasses anything I could ever dream of." He sat on the bed across from her, excitement vibrating through him. "They fly through the air. They drive…some sort of automated carriage, I can't remember the technical word for it. They have lighting that uses an electric current, no gas or oil required. They have…they have everything." He laughed, hands on either side of his head. "Everything I could ever want to see, or to know."
"Erwin…" She gaped, and now her eyes filled with joyful tears. She felt lighter. Freer. "That's amazing! It's wonderful!" And Levi had said it was a good idea not to bring a child into this world? One filled with such incredible things? "How did you find out?"
"Grisha Jaeger came from that civilization. He wrote about it in his books, and he kept those books in the basement of his home. They contained everything. Everything. Where we live, it's an island. Paradis. We're close to the continent of Marley, across the sea. We are…" Something changed in his eyes. "We are Eldians," he said slowly.
She frowned. "What are Eldians?"
His gaze darkened further. "Subjects of Ymir."
"Ymir?"
"We…" All the energy fled him. He sat there, lost in a bitter trance. "Petra. We are the titans."
She couldn't remember how to speak; she couldn't even think of anything to say. While she sat there, Erwin explained. The logic was a little all over the place—there were things she didn't grasp—but she understood the gist of it. She and Erwin and Levi and everyone they knew were a special kind of human. They possessed a bloodline that allowed them to turn into titans; no other human on earth could do such a thing. There were nine intelligent titans out there, the greatest of which, the Founding Titan, controlled all the others.
I don't understand.
Once, the Eldians had ruled a vast empire, enslaving all other races and civilizations. One hundred years prior, King Fritz had taken most of his people within these walls and eradicated their memories of the outside world. Meanwhile, the continent of Marley had oppressed the Eldians that remained outside. Grisha Jaeger had grown up in one of the Eldian ghettos. Erwin did not spend much time rehashing it for her, but it sounded horrifying.
All Eldians were hated worldwide. Petra's baby would have been despised just for being born.
That's what Levi meant. Her eyes filled with tears. She couldn't argue with him, could she?
"Marley is the reason the titans attacked us five years ago," Erwin whispered. He stared at the floor as he spoke. "It's unlikely they'll stop. They want the resources of our island. More than that, they wish we were dead."
Petra was stunned to think that right now, across the "sea", there were thousands if not millions of people who would spit on her if they saw her. Who regarded her as a devil because she had been born with monstrous blood.
It made her feel unclean. It made her feel like all the blood pumping in her body was polluted. But she also realized…
"I've helped kill over sixty…people?" she whispered. Erwin shut his eyes.
"The irony. The great irony." He gave a mirthless laugh, put his head in his hand. "I joined the Survey Corps to help free humanity from the threat of titans. Now I find out that we are the threat to the human race!" His laugh rumbled; it pitched higher, to an almost horrifying note. Erwin was breaking in front of her eyes. "The world would have been much safer if we had never been born!"
"Erwin. Stop," she whispered, but he stood. He paced to the window, to his desk, the manic energy pushing him onward.
"I gave up everything." He gripped the back of a chair, squeezed so hard she heard the wood creak. "The woman I loved. A family. Wealth. Community. I let myself become a freak and an outcast and ruined my own life so I could know." He bared his teeth; his eyes held a frenzied light. "And this is my reward. A world that wishes me dead. All the wonders I could ever dream of seeing, all denied me because of my blood. The continued existence of a civilization rests on my shoulders now. I…"
He flung the chair. Petra jumped as one of the legs broke. Erwin had forgotten she was in the room as he pulled at his hair.
"If I'd known this was the price of knowledge, I wouldn't have paid it!" he wailed. He collapsed to his knees. "Now I wish I'd died before I saw that cursed basement. I did die. I was free. I was all right. And then he damned me to hell!"
She didn't know all the facts, but she knew that Levi had had the injection. It had been his choice to make. Petra stood up, so weak she almost collapsed.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry." She burst into tears; finally, Erwin snapped out of his furious trance and blinked at her. "Levi was only doing what he thought was right. If…if this is all true, we need you. You're the only one who can save us." She kept crying as Erwin came back to himself. Almost sheepish, he looked away.
"Of course. Selfish of me. I…I need to help safeguard the world for your child, Petra. I swore I would."
It was the sound of glass breaking in her mind.
"Well you don't need to worry about that anymore because the baby is d—" The last word got lost in a howl. The world pitched around her, and Petra fell forward. Erwin grabbed her, held her. He whispered comforting words, picked her up and gently set her down on the bed. She sat there sniffling as he knelt before her.
"Petra. I'm so sorry." He sounded earnest. "When did…?"
"The day you left." She sniffed, wiped her nose on her sleeve. Levi would be horrified. She shook her head. "Maybe after what you just told me…maybe it was the best thing that could have happened…" But she was lost in tears again. She couldn't believe it.
"That's not true," Erwin said gently. She gasped, looked down at him. The handsome lines of his face were drawn with pain, but there was such strength in him it reassured her. "In Grisha Jaeger's journal, I read about the suffering of good men and women. Good Eldians. This world is cruel, but some help make it beautiful. You do, Petra, and your child would. Your child has as much right to this world as one from Marley. You have as much right to happiness as any Marleyan woman." He nodded. "Perhaps more." He sighed. "Forgive me for screaming like a frightened child just after you…well. You should have someone stronger for you at this moment."
"Levi," she whispered.
"Yes. Him."
"He…" She hid her face in her hands. "He left me." Her voice came out so small.
"He what?"
"Not like that," she said urgently. "But he keeps walking away. He won't look at me. I need him," she whispered. She choked on the words. She needed him so desperately. She needed him to really hold her, to talk to her, but he kept rushing out of the room. He kissed her, fed her, took care of her, but he was gone in the way she needed him most. "I…I know what this world is now. At least a little. I know it's wrong to want to bring a baby into it. But…" She broke down again. That was all she could do now, have moments of calm and then devolve to tears once more. She wasn't working right. "But I didn't know how much I wanted a baby until it was taken away."
"Petra." He laid a warm hand on her shoulder. He let her cry, handed her a handkerchief. She gratefully wiped her eyes, took stuttering breaths. She began to calm again. He kept his hand on her shoulder. "Give him time. He'll talk to you. I know he will."
"But he'll want to go back to how we were. Just us. No marriage. No family." She could barely utter the words.
"And you want that?" He sounded so tired.
"I do. Now that I know what it would be like…I do. And he doesn't." She bent over, crying again. Now either she or Levi would have to sacrifice something they most wanted; it would be the death of harmony. Why, why had she been so foolish that night they'd had sex after the titan forest? If she'd remained blissfully ignorant, she could have carried on and been content.
"He could want it," Erwin offered.
"He won't. I know him."
"As do I." Erwin tilted her chin, wiped her cheeks again with his handkerchief. Petra took steadying breaths; the wave of emotion ebbed. She sat there, relaxing further as…
His hand was warm on her cheek. She opened her eyes. Erwin was staring at his right hand as it cupped her jaw, as he rubbed her hair between his fingers. He looked transfixed at the sight of his restored hand touching her.
He was touching her. Their eyes met.
"Oh." Petra made a soft, horrified sound before his lips found hers. He kissed her, and this time it was not timid or slow as it had been in his office. He wrapped his arms around her—the man wasn't strong like Levi, but he was strong enough. His hand passed through her hair, gripped it, tugged. She whimpered as his kiss deepened. Erwin groaned as his mouth opened wider, and hers opened in turn. She felt his tongue in her mouth; her eyes rolled backwards. What was happening? She was lost. Petra recovered herself and pressed her hands against his shoulders. She shoved away. Erwin stopped kissing her, but he did not let her go. His eyes devoured her face. "We can't. We can't."
"Do you know what my life has been?" he asked, his voice strained, his eyes searching. "It's as if I'm some barren rock hurtling through the reaches of space. No sight. No sound. No sensation. Then, as if from nowhere, a sun emerges before me. Brightness in darkness, sensation in a vacuum. Warmth, and heat, it pulls me into orbit, gives me some ballast in a chaotic universe. It gives me something to gravitate towards, even as I know that coming too close would mean total annihilation." His lips caressed her cheek; she couldn't move. "You are the fire in the darkness, Petra. My sun and salvation."
"Is…" She couldn't feel her body any longer. No one had ever spoken to her like this before. Where was she? What was this? "Is that from one of your books?"
He chuckled. "The words are my own, though the metaphors and sentiments have been conveyed before by people more brilliant than I." He kissed her again, stopping her breath. This was wrong. She had to push him away. She… "Don't send me away into nothingness, Petra. Not now. Not after all I've endured."
He kissed her. She gasped as he pushed her backwards so that she was lying on the bed, and he was lying on top of her. She had never been this intimate with so large a man before. With Levi, since they were nearly the same height, it was a perfect balance. When he lay on top of her, it felt like she was simply merging into a perfect whole. Erwin's body was enormous, his weight pinning her down. His mouth was lush, his lips so full. She'd never kissed lips fuller or softer. She—
"We can't!" She wriggled beneath him, and he stopped. He propped himself up on his elbows.
"Say stop, and I'll stop. Tell me you don't want it." He spoke calmly, without any fear. He believed she would not tell him to stop.
Petra opened her mouth…
Levi walking out the door. Levi telling her they'd talk later. Levi turning his eyes from her. Saying it was good they wouldn't have a baby. Her empty stomach, the medicine still in her system, and the desire to not be any longer…
"I…"
He made a satisfied noise, then returned to kissing her. Tears slid down her cheeks.
"I love him," she sobbed.
"Then love him. Why shouldn't you?" Erwin traced his thumb across her cheek, catching the tear. "I still do."
Petra fled her body as they kissed. All the nerves evaporated; all she could feel now was warmth building between her legs. She shut her eyes in horror.
With both of her previous boyfriends, she'd felt nothing. Making love to them had been more calisthenics than anything else.
With Levi, physical passion had merged with something indescribably pure. Real love. It made her feel divine as much as it gave her sensual pleasure.
With Erwin, there was no love. Her heart did not lift around him; her spirit didn't grow. But the desire existed, and the absence of affection made it twice as eager and hot. Petra's spirit wanted to flee from him; her body wanted more. Gasping, she watched as he sat up, tugging at his shirt until it fell to the floor. His body was astounding, like those marble statues she'd seen in the museums up in Mitras, the ones carved to commemorate gods and kings. He covered her again, her hands clasped to his back. His skin was soft, like Levi's, and she could feel the steel of his muscles. Petra shut her eyes tight, hating herself for enjoying the way he kissed her. This man was Levi's opposite; he was coming to her with a great deal of experience.
Let him have her. Let him obliterate her. Kissing him was like erasing all the fragile, wonderful moments of her life before. Levi could never want her again, not after this. Better to free him now than chain him to her misery. If he hated her, it would be easier for him to forget her.
I want to go away. I just want to stop existing.
"Please." She whimpered again as his hands undid the buttons on her shirt, as he kissed her neck, nibbled her collarbone, as his mouth traveled down her body.
"Please, Petra." His breath puffed against her bare skin. "Save me."
She gave a soft, horrified cry when his mouth found her breast.
He had been drowning, and this was an island paradise. Funny; they were on an island called Paradis, but this made it feel real. True. The softness of her lips, her cheek… Her mouth was so sweet. The little noises of horrified arousal she made lit a fire inside of his body.
He had thirteen years left on this earth, if what Jaeger's journals had said were true. Thirteen years of hell seemed endless, but the sensation of her in his bed, him in her arms could make that prison term bearable.
Levi will kill me.
The prospect of that was also delightful.
But right now, he wanted to live because he wanted to kiss her. The touch of her small, delicate hands on his bare skin made him hard. If Levi didn't want a wife and child, Erwin would take that burden from him. Finding this small, fiery angel in his room and bed night after night would ease suffering.
I'll give you what he won't, Petra.
He had started this madness out of desire, out of despair. He had not expected such a surge of emotion as he kissed her, as he unbuttoned her blouse. The first time he'd kissed her, back in his office, he had been merely sad. It had been comfort. She had given him light.
Now she gave him heat. He found her small, pert breast and kissed it. He took it into his mouth. She writhed and moaned as he did so, his tongue swirling over her nipple to make it peak. He was throbbing now in every part of his body. He could barely recall that she'd been through a physical trauma; he needed her now. So Levi would kill him; so what? Erwin knew in the distant back of his mind that it would hurt Levi, and as much as he did not want that he also wanted that man's suffering. He had condemned Erwin to this nightmare.
He didn't understand. I thought he did, but he didn't. He's not an equal; he's a trained dog.
Erwin had never hated Levi before, but these last few days he had choked on that hate. Fine. Let this hurt him. Erwin would keep this girl for himself.
"Please." Petra passed her fingers through his hair. "Ah. Please."
Did she want him to continue, or stop? Erwin looked up.
"Can I ask you something?" She sounded shy. Sweet. He left her exposed breast and kissed her cheek.
"Anything." He lay there, enveloped in the scent of her, soap and lilac, clean and sweet. Petra wound her small hands around his neck. He kissed her, devoured her delicate mouth. She kissed him back with abandon. He moaned, she did as well. He was so hard. He rucked up her skirt, passed his hand along the soft line of her leg. Soon…
"Back in the titan forest." She whispered in his ear, taking the lobe between her sharp little teeth. "Did you keep information from Levi so he couldn't get to his squad in time to save them?"
Ah. He looked into her eyes, which had been so sweet moments ago, and found fury. A trap. A honey pot. Hmm, she could be conniving when she wanted. It only spurred his desire.
"I thought you'd be grateful," he said coolly. "It was the only way I knew I could keep him alive."
Petra screamed. Erwin grunted as she slapped him across the face. He sat up on his knees, astonished as she went at him like a wild animal. She clawed, slapped at him. Her nails dug into his cheek, drawing blood. He hissed, finally catching her wrists. Petra's fury dissolved into fear as she watched plumes of steam issue from Erwin's wound. He healed at once.
"The benefits of a titan shifter," he explained, releasing her wrists. Her hair was rumpled now, her lips swollen from kissing. Her fair skin was splotched along her neck and chest; her breast was still bare to him, tantalizing. Petra flushed as she hastily buttoned her shirt and slid off the bed.
"You're disgusting," she spat.
"I am." It was an easy agreement. He stood, still bare-chested before her. "I was a monster who pretended to be a god. Levi extended mercy; he offered to let me die as a good man. I took him up on it, and then he called me back. He burned my humanity away when he gave me that injection. Now only a devil can save our world. So a devil is what I'm forced to be."
"Don't make excuses."
"I won't. And you shouldn't, either."
She paled and looked away in shame.
"I have to tell him."
"I'd be disappointed if you didn't. He deserves to know."
"You want that, don't you?" She looked at him with such scorn.
"No," he said simply. "I want you. Now I see what I've yearned for, and the feeling won't dissipate. If he throws you away, come to me."
"I don't love you." She meant it.
"Love is not static. It changes. I know I have your desire. Don't lie to me," he snapped, when she opened her mouth to do just that. Petra glanced away; her shame was evident. "I have to live as a devil for thirteen years. It would be good to have an angel at my side."
She shuddered with horror at his words.
"He's going to kill you." Petra stormed past him, heading for the door.
"He'll try." Let him try. Pray he succeeds.
"Oh!" Erwin turned to find Petra trying to get out and Anka trying to get in. Both women were shocked at the other's presence. Petra stood aside to let Anka in, then glared at Erwin. "Enjoy your message," she snarled at him, then slammed the door.
"I…" Anka looked white with confusion. She noticed his half-nudity. Her eyes flicked back to the door, to Petra's flight. "Oh."
"Does Pixis have an actual message?" he asked. Anka was staring at his right arm now. She shuffled forward as if in a daze.
"He and Zackley want to see you downstairs. They have questions."
"When?"
"F-Fifteen minutes." She reached out and touched his arm. She couldn't believe it.
"That's enough time," he said. He grabbed her about the waist and kissed her. They fell into bed, where he called her Petra. She didn't complain.
Levi stormed through the barrack halls, listening to their emptiness. He stormed outside, headed around the building. He found the three men walking along the small patch of green behind the Survey Corps barracks. Erwin, Pixis, and Zackley chatting about some bullshit. They turned, hearing his advance. Pixis and Zackley looked bemused; Erwin looked ready.
"Captain. The official military debriefing is set for the day after tomorrow. We're also working on a memorial service and commemoration—" Zackley began.
"Get out of here," Levi grunted. He glared at Erwin. "I need to talk to you," he said.
"That sounded like an order," Zackley said flatly. Pixis said nothing; he'd always been the smarter of the two.
"Get the fuck out of here!" Levi barked. The older men startled.
"Please, gentlemen. The captain and I have business."
Levi kept staring at Erwin as the two commanders departed, muttering amongst themselves. Erwin looked as distant and perfect as a fucking statue. He looked bored. Waiting.
"Yes, Levi?" he said when they were alone.
Levi pulled out his dagger and plunged it deep into Erwin Smith's stomach. The commander bent over, coughing in surprise as Levi twisted the knife, grinding it in as deep as it'd go.
"That…hurts," Erwin grumbled. Blood trickled from the corner of his mouth. "Just because it can't kill me doesn't mean I don't feel pain."
"I want you to feel pain, you greedy fucker," Levi rasped. He yanked the blade out, making its exit as rough as its entrance. When Erwin stabilized, Levi stabbed him right in the kidney. Erwin gripped his shoulder for balance, but Levi wrenched himself away. Steam gushed from the wounds. Erwin staggered, then stood. He wiped the blood from his mouth.
"Why don't you go for my nape?" Erwin drawled. That bastard.
"If I wanted you dead, you wouldn't have seen me coming." He wiped off his blade and sheathed it.
"Of course not. It would be too magnanimous of you." Erwin's blue gaze clouded over, a stormy sky emerging out of nowhere.
"How could you do that to her? You know what she's been through!"
"How could you, Levi?" Raw anger laced his voice. "That poor girl was left abandoned in her room to suffer alone. Are you that much of a coward? Or is it that easy to break faith with those you claim to care about?"
Levi cried out and tackled Erwin. He slammed the commander into the ground, placed a boot to his throat and pressed hard. Erwin choked, but didn't try to get up.
"I know why you did it," Levi rasped. "You wanted this. Huh? You wanted me to come here and kick your ass. Then why didn't you just come to me and say it? Why use her? Why does everything have to be a fucking game with you?"
"A habit, I'm afraid." Erwin glowered up at him, grasping Levi's booted ankle. "When you've spent your life never being honest about your intentions, it's hard to start."
"I'm here now. Tell me what you want."
"What am I supposed to want now? Hmm? My dream came true. You saw to that."
Something in Erwin's voice made Levi lift his boot. He backed away as Erwin stood. Levi had never seen such…hate. Erwin Smith looked at him with hatred.
The lightning crawled all over Levi's body. Instinctively, he wanted to fall to his knees and beg forgiveness. His master…his commander…Erwin hated him. Levi fell deeper into misery.
"Bringing you back was the right choice," Levi rasped. "The basement. What we found. Armin was a smart boy, but he could never have been a match for the entire fucking world."
"Yes. Armin." Erwin's gaze gentled. "That poor child. Perhaps it was kindness to let him out of this hell."
"You know…you know we need you. Eldia, whatever the fuck it still is, needs you."
"Yes. I know." Erwin became more subdued. "I'm not trying to shirk my duty. I swore to lift humanity up, to save it; I'll do the same now. I'll give my life, what remains of it, to this fight." He glared. "But you didn't know that. When you gave me the injection, you didn't know what we'd find."
Levi felt suddenly trapped, a spider under a glass.
"It was the right choice," he grunted. "You were the safe bet."
"I know I was. You made the choice any other person would make." Erwin lunged at him. Levi, lightning quick, put out his blade to protect himself. Erwin gripped the dagger, letting it cut into his flesh. His blood rained to the earth, but he kept squeezing. Perhaps the pain focused him. "But I thought you were different from every other person!" The volcanic fury suddenly cratered; Erwin seemed to implode. He slumped to his knees, and Levi knelt with him. "It was my fault. I thought you understood me, Levi." Now he was lost, sorrowing. Levi remembered the man as he'd been sitting on that crate in Shiganshina, while the world around them exploded. Levi. Thank you. Erwin gave a shuddering gasp. "When you told me to give up and die… I thought you knew it was exactly what I wanted. I was too much of a coward to let go. You lifted my hands away, and…let me fall. It was the kindest thing any person had ever done for me. It was the greatest act of love I'd ever received." Erwin's face crumpled; he was fighting tears. "When I rose out of that titan, and saw that you hadn't understood… It's not your fault. I'm not angry at you, but at myself. I thought you saw me. It was a delusion."
"Erwin…" Levi swallowed. All the fury left him; in that moment, he was back in Shiganshina, kneeling at this man's feet. "I… I understood."
"What?"
He couldn't stop it. The confession came.
"I understood what you wanted. I…I was choosing Armin. I didn't want to put you back through hell. It was killing me to do it because I just didn't want to lose you. But I was going to let you go."
"You…understood?" A look of wonder stole over his face.
"You were in pain. You didn't want your dream anymore. You wanted to rest."
"Yes. Yes." Erwin actually smiled.
"You didn't want to be a devil." Levi's voice shook; he had to keep himself from losing it. "You wanted to be a hero. Like the world saw you."
"You saw me. You did. You understood." Erwin gave an unburdened laugh. "Levi… But then, why? Why, when you'd chosen Armin—"
"Because of the baby!" He lowered his head, too ashamed to look Erwin in the face now. "Because I needed to protect it. And Petra. I didn't know what was out there, and I needed you to keep them safe!"
"Oh." Silence. "Oh, I see. It's…so cruel, isn't it?"
What was? Levi? Fate? The world? Yes. The answer to all three was yes.
Now the baby was gone. And Petra…
When she'd told him what Erwin had done, he'd stopped feeling. He picked up his dagger and walked out of the room. He couldn't even remember if she'd said anything else. He imagined this man's hands and lips traveling all over her body, and it made him want to stab Erwin all over again.
"If you hate me, then take it out on me. Leave her alone. It's not her fault I picked you!"
"No," Erwin mused. "Levi, I don't hate you."
It was sick how much of a relief that was. This man had been kissing Levi's girl, ready to fuck her, and in five minutes Levi had gone from wanting to gut him to relieved Erwin didn't hate him. I'm sick. I'm so fucking sick.
Erwin stood, Levi still kneeling at his feet.
"Petra is a woman who deserves protection. If you brought me back to this world in order to safeguard her, I can bear it."
"Don't say her name," he growled. He didn't want Petra's name on this man's lips any longer. He glared up at Erwin. "She's not yours to take care of. She's mine."
"You called me back to look after her. I will." He held up a hand. "Don't worry. Not like that. I'll never touch her again. Not until she asks me." With Erwin, that was an oath. Smug bastard. She'll never ask. "But you paid for her safety with my soul. I don't take that lightly, and neither should you."
It was like Levi had…bound her to Erwin. Horror crept over him. What the fuck have I done?
"So now what?" he croaked.
"Now we look to the next obstacle: the entire world. Levi, I expect you to come with me." He gripped Levi's shoulders, forced him to stand. The two men stood there, staring at one another. That golden thread between them wound itself tighter in Levi's imagination. The lightning flowed from him to Erwin. Erwin was bound to Petra, and Levi to him more tightly than before. "But for today, Levi…leave me alone."
Erwin let go of him and turned his back, trudging away. Levi stood there, vibrating in bewilderment.
"One last thing." Erwin glanced over his shoulder. "You're right, as always. I did kiss her to make you come to me. But you should know my own feelings have deepened. I'm taken with her myself now."
"Erwin," Levi growled.
But he could only watch as his commander walked away from him.
He'd come here ready to kick ass, and he felt like he'd been whipped. Levi staggered away, back to his room. Back to Petra. He needed to talk to her. Really talk. He opened the door.
"Petra?"
The room was empty. On the pillow, beside the little stuffed lamb, was the brass ring he'd given her.
Fuck.
It didn't take a genius to figure where she'd gone. He turned his steps to that big, shiny house in the center of Trost. He knocked on the door, and Edvard opened up. The tall, dweeby looking guy seemed sad.
"Hey, pal. Come inside."
Pal. Whatever. It was meant to be nice. Levi trudged in, the door shutting behind him. Edvard blew out his cheeks and glanced up the stairs.
"Gitta's with her right now. We gave her the guest room. I'm so sorry, buddy." Levi grunted when Edvard clapped him on the back. "You know we're here for you both. Especially me. We brothers-in-law have to stick together."
Levi had noticed that about the middle classes: so desperate to separate men and women into different spheres, like they were each something alien to the other. In the underground, where one wrong move meant the difference between life and death, you didn't see delicate ladies and courtly gentlemen; you just saw people. Allies or enemies, and nothing in between.
"Uh. Thanks," he said at last, because Edvard was at least well meaning. "I'm gonna go up."
"Of course."
Levi passed Brigitta on the stairs. They nodded at each other. She seemed a little pissed. Well…couldn't blame her.
He opened the door to the guest room. Petra lay fully clothed on top of the covers, huddled on her left side as she gazed out the window.
"Hey," he said. She whimpered, tightened herself further into a ball. Levi walked around the bed and stood before her. She buried her face in the pillow. "Look at me."
"I can't."
"You can. Don't be a brat." Levi, you fuck. Gentle. He had to be gentle. "Come on. I'm not mad."
"Why not?"
"Because a lot of this is my fault. Hey. Look at me."
She did, turning that puffy little face to him. Her eyes were red, her skin mottled. She looked terrible. And just the sight of her wrenched his heart. He knelt by the bed, laid a hand on her hair. Petra's lip quivered. She buried her face in the pillow again and cried. She looked so wounded, like she was limping everywhere while bleeding.
He should have hated her and Erwin both, but the hate had drained out of him already. Maybe a middle class guy who'd grown up with soft hands and no problems could afford to piss and moan forever about an infidelity. Levi had too much real shit to worry about; this woman still loved him. It was written in her face, along with her shame. He'd punished them all by bringing Erwin back, anyway. And he took responsibility for shit. Levi kissed her hair. She whimpered.
"Baby, look at me. I'm not mad."
"I'm so sorry." She pushed herself up and fell into his arms, sobbing. "I love you so much. I don't love him. I only wanted you to stop loving me so I wouldn't make you miserable with the baby, because I want it and—" She sobbed wretchedly against his shoulder. He kept holding her, petting her hair, whispering it was okay. She was in so much pain that only a monster would want to give her more.
"Hey, I win out over Erwin Smith. That's never happened before. Makes me feel good," he mumbled, trying to be funny. She didn't laugh, but she cried softer. "I'm sorry I left you alone."
"Will you stay with me?" She sobbed. "Will you talk to me?"
Talking was hard, and emotions were a nightmare, but he'd run away from his duties before and this was where it'd gotten them. He nodded, kissed her forehead.
"Yeah. I can do that."
He sat in bed with her the rest of the day, holding her, stroking her hair. They actually didn't talk about much, but his presence soothed her. Petra relaxed against him, sometimes napping in his arms. Brigitta came in as the sun went down with food for both of them. The sight of them together like this mollified her. She gave Levi a small, tight smile. Levi woke Petra, watched her eat. She didn't have much appetite, but she tried.
"You left the ring behind," he said when she'd finished. Petra blushed, looked at her hands.
"I did. I…I just wanted you to have it back."
"You can keep it."
"There's no point if we don't get married, and now that there's no baby there's no reason to." She sniffed. "I thought about it today."
"Petra—"
"Please. You were right." She looked him in the eyes. "Er—the commander told me what you found in the basement, and you were right. This is a bad world to bring a child into. Doing that would be selfish. We can't be selfish now."
"Yeah. That's true."
She shrugged. "So let's not tempt fate. All I ever really wanted was you. I can be happy with that again. Just give me some time."
Her hand slipped into his. His thumb stroked her palm.
"That's mature of you," he said. She sighed heavily.
"I love you. Always. I'll never stop being sorry about…that."
"He did it. Not you. He did it to get to me." He left out the part about Erwin being taken with her now. She laid her head against his. "You love me, yeah?"
"I do. More than anything."
"Good. I feel the same." He kissed her forehead. "That's why I want to marry you."
She pulled away from him, looking stumped.
"What?"
"I'm serious. I want to marry you." He held her gaze.
"Levi, you don't have to worry. I'm not going to go to him. You don't have to marry me to "make it official" or—"
"I want to marry you because I love you. Isn't that how it usually goes?"
She blinked, shook her head. Maybe she thought she was dreaming, or had snapped.
"I thought you didn't want to get married."
"I didn't. But I changed my mind."
"Because of Erwin."
"Because of the basement. The world." His nostrils flared. "I want to marry you. I want to have a kid with you. I want that because you want it."
Now she looked ready to slap him. "If this is all a joke to get back at me…"
"Why the fuck would it be? Use your damn head, Ral." She gaped at him, but her wariness lessened. He was treating her like normal, so his proposal had to be real. "Do you want a baby?"
"I just said it was a bad idea."
"Okay, fuck that. Answer. Do you want a baby with me?"
"I…" She looked half furious and half bewildered. "Yes. But I shouldn't."
"But you do. I want to make you happy, and you make me happy, so there's the answer."
"Hold on." She pressed her palms to her forehead. "I'm so confused. Why did you change your mind?"
This was the least romantic marriage proposal ever, which suited him fine.
"I told you. The basement. The world hates Eldians."
"Right, which is why bringing a child into this world is a bad idea."
"Because that's what they want us to feel," he said. Anger sparked in him again. The story of Grisha's little sister, torn apart by dogs, would never leave him. If Levi could have, he would have beaten that man to death with his fists. "They want us to hate ourselves because of how we're born. They want us to choose not to have kids, so there aren't any Eldians to deal with. They want us to shrivel and die and say thank you. I say fuck them."
"So you want a wife and child because it's what they don't want you to have?" She sighed wearily. "Well, that…sounds like you."
"Oi. Don't get smart."
"I'm just saying that marrying me to spite someone else isn't a reason to get married." She crossed her arms and sat back against the headboard. Obstinate brat.
"Not just that. It's the reason I brought Erwin back," he said. She gaped at him. "I brought him back to protect you and the kid. Otherwise, I'd have let him go. I chose the baby over him."
"So…you need to make his sacrifice worthwhile?" She rubbed her eyes. "You want to get married to spite the world and to make it up to Erwin Smith. I…Levi, I don't think we should get married."
"So you're arguing with me now?"
"Yes! Because it all sounds insane!"
"Real harsh words for someone who's not mad about you kissing the commander." Maybe that was a cheap shot, because she instantly withered. Shit. "Fuck, I'm sorry. That was me being a dick. I don't mean it."
"I'm sorry." She rubbed her eyes. "I can't… I don't know what to do."
"Marry me. Have a kid. Live the life you want. That's all we can do to fight back against this world." He gripped her hand. "After I brought Erwin back, I realized something. I picked the kid over him. I thought I could never do something like that. The old me wouldn't have. I'm different, Petra. You made me different. I don't hate that. I'm abnormal; I've lost too many people. I'm setting myself up for more heartbreak this way, but taking it on means I'm not giving in. The world wants me to surrender. This is the only thing I've got that doesn't make me hate shit." He wasn't good at talking, but he kept trying. "Without you, and the kid, what am I? A grumpy old man who hates the world. The beast titan." He bared his teeth; the thought of that ape and the screaming bearded bitch fired his blood even now. "I'm going to kill it. I promised him."
Erwin lived, but Levi owed him one. A big one. He'd kill the beast titan someday to make up for his failure.
"Levi, I love you. But this is all just anger and fighting. It's not a good reason to have a child." She kissed his cheek. "I'll never leave you. Maybe we shouldn't change anything. That's enough."
He closed his eyes, pictured that imaginary kid again. The one he'd never meet now. It waved up at him, giggling. It all had to be for a reason, didn't it?
"Grisha wrote something in his journal," he said.
"Yes. About the way Eldians are treated."
"No. When he first came here, someone told him…" Levi struggled with his thoughts. "He told him to love someone in the walls. A family. Otherwise, it all starts up again. The hatred. The violence." He kissed her lips. She hesitated, then gave herself fully to the kiss. "I'm not the man I was. I think whoever I would've been without you…he'd be worse. Lost. Angry. I can't keep doing it over and over again. Even if I lose you, even if I lose the kid, I have to stop it somehow. I don't want to marry you because it'll piss the world off, or because I feel bad about Erwin. I want to marry you because I love you, and I don't want to halfass it." He dug into his pocket and took out the brass ring. He offered it to her. "Marry me, Petra Ral, because I fucking love you and for no other reason."
Maybe the word 'fucking' was too much. Shit.
But she took the ring and, trembling, slipped it back onto her finger.
"Yes," she whispered. Her lips met his. "Yes."
"And the baby?" His lips traced hers.
"We can try again."
Fuck it, this was probably a bad idea. But Levi had spent his life thumbing his nose at the world, and he wasn't about to stop now.
Besides, as he kissed her, he felt pretty fucking good. After Shiganshina, that was some kind of miracle.
Six days later
She smiled as she stood in the line of officers and watched the heroes of Shiganshina receive their medals. Erwin knelt in the center, kissing Queen Historia's hand. Petra gazed at him a moment, then moved on. She felt more pity than anger now, and touched the ring on her left hand.
Hange next, then Levi. Even though only nine had returned, with Erwin at the head and the colossal titan's powers theirs, everyone felt optimistic. Even knowing about the outside world, they felt stronger with Erwin to guide them. With him watching over them all, it was a world where maybe a child of hers could be safe.
Though whenever she looked at Eren and Mikasa, her heart broke a little. They'd been locked up for a few days on returning—they'd fought Levi to get him to choose Armin. Petra teared up a little when she thought of the sweet boy who'd died. Mikasa and Eren were true soldiers; they'd taken their punishment and returned to their duties. But she knew they'd carry that wound forever.
Eren took Historia's hand.
Petra looked at Levi, smiling a bit at the back of his head. Soon they'd be married; soon they'd try again. The world was opening up in strange and terrifying ways, but beautiful ones, too. She had so much to be thankful for.
The crowd around her murmured. Something was wrong. Petra noticed that Eren was still clutching Historia's hand; he'd been holding it for almost a minute. She frowned. Eren?
Finally, Historia got him to release her. She gave him his medal and moved on. The crowd resettled, but Petra kept looking at the boy.
How was he? The poor thing.
When the ceremony was over, she stopped over to see Hange and Levi first. Hange was all smiles; she hooked an arm around Levi's neck, which made him glower.
"Can't wait for the big day! Levi said I could be a flower girl."
"We'll find you a better job," Petra said, side eyeing her fiancé. He shrugged.
"She could also clean up after the ceremony."
"Levi." Petra kissed his cheek and moved on. Erwin Smith loomed before her. Petra remained wary, but nodded at him. He bowed lightly in return.
"Congratulations," she said.
"Thank you."
"I wanted to talk to you about transferring. Levi and I talked it over; he thinks we should be able to control ourselves enough to have me back on his squad."
"I agree. Second in command would suit you well." Good. She nodded, and started to walk past. "Petra. Don't worry. As I told him, I will never touch you again unless you ask me to."
He spoke low, and serious. She nodded.
"Good. Then you'll never touch me again." She walked away from him and over to the kids. The 104th smiled at her, though Mikasa looked subdued. She shook their hands, then frowned when she saw Eren.
He was…staring at her. Like he'd seen a ghost.
The poor boy's face was drawn, almost green. It shook Petra to see. She went over to him.
"Eren?" she whispered. He blinked at her. "Are you all right?"
"The titan forest," he whispered.
She seized up. "What?"
He looked her straight in the eye.
"You were supposed to die," he said flatly.
Petra stood there, shocked into silence. He walked away and was lost in the crowd.