"Is he not helping out?" Brigitta asked. She peeked around the sheet that Petra was pinning to the clothesline. Petra had to take one more pin out of her mouth before she could answer.
"It's not that. He's perfect. Most men moan if you ask them to clean anything. He wants to clean everything. He sterilizes anything that might go near Kuchel's mouth. He makes sure everything she wears is clean. The room's neater than a pin. Plus, he's never been much of a sleeper. When she cries in the night, unless she needs to be fed, he walks her around until she falls asleep, or even takes her up and down the barracks. I've probably gotten more sleep as a new mother than most other women."
Two months had passed since Kuchel had been born, and they had been two happy, exhausting months. Petra was finally back in uniform, though her breasts still felt sore and a lot fuller than they had in the past. When she looked into the mirror, she saw a young woman in damn good shape for just having given birth. But considering how lean and toned she'd been before, she felt a bit sad. Giving up her old body was a sacrifice she was more than willing to make for having Kuchel, but she wanted to get back to her old athletic build.
Not that Levi minded. He liked her hard, soft, round or thin, it didn't matter. She couldn't help smiling. Really, she had virtually no complaints.
Virtually.
"So what's wrong?" Brigitta whispered. Both women looked behind them; they were drying the clothes only a few feet from the Ackerman family chamber, and the window was open. Inside, they heard Levi sweeping the floor while Kuchel gurgled in her cradle.
"He's driving me crazy!" Petra hissed. She almost dropped the shirts she was holding. "I can't take the baby out of her cradle unless he's standing guard. He knows I won't drop her, but just in case." She imitated Levi's flat, affectless tone. "Our soap budget went up again, and you know how much we spent already, and all because he can only use a special, gentle kind of soap for Kuchel's bath. He even has to retest the water after I heat it to make sure the temperature's not too hot. I'm honestly relieved when he has to go training or meets with Erwin because then I can bounce her around without fear. He's obsessed!"
Inside, they heard Kuchel begin to cry. Petra turned, but she saw Levi walk over to the cradle, his kerchief covering his hair. He pulled down his faceguard.
"Oi. Brat. Calm down." He sounded as gruff as ever, but Petra listened as he began to rock the cradle back and forth with his foot. The cries immediately changed to gleeful laughter. Levi gave the smallest smile; for him, it was the equivalent of a toothy grin. "Tch. That's right. Be a good girl."
"You know, when I was pregnant Levi was afraid I'd love the baby more than him. I think it ended up being the other way around." But Petra grinned, shaking her head as she hung up one of Levi's shirts.
"Just as long as he's loving you regularly?" Brigitta arched a brow. "Are you…getting along?"
"We were only allowed to 'get along' again two weeks ago. We've had a few good times." Petra sighed. The few times she and Levi had both been in the mood and awake enough for sex had been glorious. But the smallest noise from Kuchel as she slept, and he'd freeze on top of Petra. 'We don't want to traumatize the kid', he'd told her.
"Maybe Edvard and I could take Kuchel for a night. Give you both some alone time."
"If you can convince Levi to let Kuchel go anywhere without him, you'll be doing better than me." Petra ducked under the line with her basket. Brigitta followed. "You know, it's funny now, but I don't want him to smother her." Petra sighed as she hung up some socks. "Then again, after everything he's lost, I probably need to be a little patient with him. I know he's terrified something will happen to her."
"Is something else bothering you?"
"Why do you say that?"
"Because you just seem a little upset. I don't think you're really upset about Levi."
"No," Petra muttered. She set down the basket and rubbed her forehead. In a low voice, she said, "The titans have been cleared from Wall Maria. Refugees are starting to return. People are tilling the fields. Erwin—the commander says it's time for the Guard to ride past the walls and out to this sea that Grisha Jaeger talked about."
"Oh." Brigitta's eyes softened. "And you can't go."
"I understand why. Kuchel's too young to be without me for an entire day. Plus, if something happened I couldn't let her lose both parents. Levi's the super cleaner, but right now I'm the only one who can feed her properly. So. I have to stay."
"But one day you'll go to the sea. Won't you?"
"Yes, but it's sort of the last expedition for the Survey Corps. I missed Shiganshina, and now I'll miss this."
"Knowing what happened, I'm glad you missed Shiganshina," Brigitta muttered.
"Sorry. I…" Petra wanted to fall into the laundry and go to sleep. She was so tired. "I wanted Kuchel. More than anything. And I know right now I have to be with her all the time. I'm not angry about that. But I don't want to spend the rest of my life only looking after children and cleaning the house. Not that there's anything wrong with that," she added quickly. Brigitta had only ever wanted exactly that. Her sister smiled.
"I'm not offended, Pet. I know you're not the same as me. You don't have to be. You're back in uniform; isn't the commander using you at all?"
"I'm sort of doing clerical work now," Petra said. Erwin had been gracious enough to give her forms to fill out, typing up his orders and processing them correctly. It was busy work, but he could see she needed something to do that wasn't waiting for the baby to wake up and be fed. "But I'm technically Levi's lieutenant, and I'm not even at training sessions."
"You can't be right now."
Petra huffed. "I'm going to start reconditioning soon. That'll be something. I just don't want everything to go by without me."
"You're important, Pet. They won't forget about you." Brigitta hugged her. Time to go. "Listen. Why don't I come back on Tuesday?"
Levi would be on his mission then. Out to the sea. Petra nodded.
"That'd be great."
Her sister left. Petra finished hanging the laundry, then brought the empty basket back inside. She had to go all the way around to the barrack's eastern entrance, then walked the long hall to get to her door. She opened up, and found Levi standing silent vigil over Mikasa, who was kneeling on the floor and looking down on Kuchel. Mikasa had laid her little cousin out on the mat they'd bought for her, so she could lie down without getting dirty. Mikasa was beaming as she rubbed Kuchel's belly. The baby kicked her legs and squealed gleefully. Mikasa laughed, then leaned close and rubbed noses with Kuchel.
"Tch. Told this brat she needed to wash before touching the baby." Levi glowered at Mikasa, who serenely ignored him.
"I scrubbed my hands like you asked."
"You didn't wash your face."
"Levi! She's clean enough. And babies need to get some germs, or their bodies get too sickly." Petra was pretty sure that's what the doctor had told her. She put the basket away, then went over to him. She slipped an arm around his waist, and he barely squeezed her back. He kept grimacing over Mikasa like a paternal gargoyle. Mikasa picked Kuchel up and lifted her above her head. Kuchel was ecstatic; Levi looked pale as chalk.
"Don't—" he choked, but Petra gripped his arm.
"It's good for her. Please," she whispered. Levi grumbled, but acquiesced. Mikasa kissed Kuchel's cheek, then cradled her cousin in her arms and rocked her.
"She looks a lot like you." Mikasa glanced at Levi.
"Yeah. Poor kid," he grunted.
"Levi!" Petra kissed his cheek. She felt him grimace; he hated being affectionate in front of 'the brats' as he called them. "Didn't you say she looks just like your mother?"
"Well. Don't remember her too well, but yeah. She sort of does." He was mollified. Mikasa came and gave Kuchel to Petra. Levi watched the transfer with hawkish intensity, in case the baby fell. Petra kissed her daughter's forehead. She loved nothing more in the world than to hear Kuchel giggle and coo.
"Well. See you both later." Mikasa smiled at Petra, nodded to Levi, and left.
"Tch. Gloomy brat."
"She's your family, too, you know." Petra sat on the bed and rocked Kuchel in her arms, humming a little tune. The baby giggled, then grimaced, then started to cry. Ah. Feeding time. Petra handed Kuchel off to Levi as she prepared herself. He smirked when he handed their daughter back to be fed.
"I like that way of feeding her," he said, eyeing her breast. Petra winced as Kuchel latched, then smiled.
"Jealous at all?"
"Yeah." He put away the broom and dustpan and removed his cleaning gear. "Wish we had a little more time for ourselves, especially when you start getting undressed."
"Well. Brigitta offered to take Kuchel for the night. We could…"
But Levi instantly shook his head. "She's too young."
He wasn't necessarily wrong, but Petra sighed. "Why do I get the feeling you'll be saying that when she's eighteen?"
"I just don't want anything to happen to her."
The way he said it, naked with fear, silenced her. She hadn't been a member of the Survey Corps back when Levi joined, so she hadn't been there for his first expedition when he lost his two best friends from the underground. Furlan and Isabel. Petra had heard from veterans that Levi had been found sobbing over the girl's decapitated head. No one had seen him cry since.
"Okay." Petra took up a cloth and burped Kuchel, gently patting her back. "I wouldn't trade this for anything, but sometimes I do miss the days when we had sex three or four times in a row."
"Mmm." Levi looked mournful as she buttoned her shirt back up. "Those were good days." He looked ready to pick Kuchel up, but Petra did first. She didn't get to hold her daughter as much as she'd like; Levi practically carried her around as an accessory when he was home. Petra bounced Kuchel a little, sending the baby to sleep.
"I remember when you were just having a baby for my sake." She cocked an eyebrow. "Now look at you. The protective papa."
"Well. No one tells you how disgustingly cute your own kid'll be." He crossed his arms, watching carefully as Petra laid a snoozing Kuchel into her cradle.
"I don't mind being the second most important woman in your life," Petra teased. To her surprise, he looked stricken. Levi came to her.
"You're not second to anyone," he said. He frowned, looked a little pissed. "Tch. Stupid thing to say. Why do I always have to discipline your ass?"
Petra grinned, sliding off her boots and jacket as he did the same. She lay down on the bed, and he lay on top of her. They kissed, and she softly moaned when he cupped her breast.
"Think we can be quiet?" she mouthed. He took her lower lip between his teeth, rubbed her nipple through the cloth until it was peaked.
"We better be," he whispered. He unbuttoned her shirt and put his mouth to her breast. Petra's eyes rolled, and she gripped the pillow as he unbuttoned her shirt all the way and slid her pants off. She felt his breath on her stomach, then his lips on the inside of her thigh, until finally…
"Oh." She clapped a hand over her mouth as he parted her and began to lick. He kissed her increasingly swollen bud, traced his tongue in agonizingly wonderful circles around and around it. He—
Kuchel made a little noise in her sleep. Instantly, Levi stopped. He sat up, staring at the cradle with a stricken expression. Petra had been on the verge of climaxing, and had to struggle not to shout her frustration.
"Levi?"
"Shh. I don't want her to have to listen to us."
Gentle. She had to be gentle. "Levi. She's only two months old. She doesn't know what shapes are, let alone what we're doing. It's perfectly normal for new parents to have sex in the room where their baby sleeps.
He wore a dark, distant look. "Kids shouldn't have to hear this shit."
Of course. His mother had died when he was four, but he'd have been old enough to hear what she did for a living. God only knew what he'd seen in the whorehouse. Petra knelt behind him, rested her chin on his shoulder.
"This is very different than when you were little."
"You don't feel weird about this at all?" He looked at her like she was bizarre. Petra felt like she was being challenged to prove that she was a good, saintly mother. But even good mothers wanted to have sex.
"I just mean that you didn't have normal experiences."
"Tch." He got off the bed, sat at the table while he put his boots back on. Apparently she wasn't getting laid. Petra yanked on her pants and buttoned herself up, seething all the while. She had to be understanding with him, but she was so tired at the end of every day, and she wanted him so badly. But he didn't want her the same. Not now.
"Are you less attracted to me because I'm a mother now?" she demanded.
"What?" He had one arm through his jacket, but forgot about the other. He gaped at her. "The fuck, Petra?"
"Sometimes men are like that! Women have babies and they're not sexual anymore." Her temples throbbed. Maybe this was the hormones still running crazy in her system. "I know that we can't fuck like we used to, but I still want to. I don't think you do, though."
He held her in the night, warmed her body with his, but the urgency with which he'd needed her once upon a time had vanished. All his spare energy seemed directed at the cradle. Petra didn't want to have to compete with her daughter for attention. It was a perverse idea.
"I think about pulling you into a closet every spare moment and screwing your brains out," he answered flatly. He narrowed his eyes. "If I could be locked in a room with you for twenty four hours, just us, we'd both be chafed and raw by the time we got out. That sound good enough to you?"
She flushed. In truth, just his words turned her on.
"We…we can't do that anymore, it's true. At least not for a while." Petra sighed as the afternoon bells rang the time. Levi would be late for another meeting with Erwin. He knew it, too, and finished putting his jacket on. Petra sat on the bed, arms around herself, feeling kind of childish. She'd wanted this, after all. She'd been desperate for a baby. She hadn't thought of what it would all mean. And… "It's just going to get harder, too." She looked at Levi. "Soon she'll be able to know what we're doing, and we'll all still be together in this room." They glanced around the chamber. For two, it had been a cozy paradise. For three, cramped. "If only we could have more space…"
"I told you." He fluffed his cravat out of irritation. "Houses cost money. It'll take both our salaries for two years, and that's if we don't buy anything in the meantime. With normal expenses, it's looking like three to four years." He came to her and gently touched her cheek, tilted her face up to look at him. "We'll get there. Just not now."
He said it resolutely. Well, he'd grown up and spent much of his early life in the underground, living on dirty floors most of the time. Petra was probably acting like a princess to him. But she wanted a house for her family, for Kuchel. She sighed, and kissed his palm. If she'd cared that much about having a house, she should have waited to get pregnant. But then Kuchel would never have been born. She couldn't bear that idea.
"You'd better go. You have that meeting with Erwin." She stood and kissed him goodbye. Even their kisses couldn't be as long and lingering as they'd been. Petra had Levi, had every bit of him, yet she still craved more. Honestly, she was ridiculous. But she couldn't help what she felt.
"Let's talk more tonight," he said. Petra smiled at him. Him saying reasonable things like 'we'll talk more later' would have sounded so alien just eighteen months before. He was still a reserved, grumpy man, but a lot of his jagged edges had been worn down. She'd done that, and Kuchel, too.
"I love you." She sighed, happy as he kissed her deeper.
"Fucking adore you. Brat." He looked at Kuchel asleep one last time—Petra saw his mouth quirk, saw him smile unconsciously. Then he left, and just in time for Kuchel to wake and start fussing.
"Shhh." Petra lifted the baby and walked her around, bouncing her gently. Kuchel made happy gurgling noises as Petra sat down and kissed her daughter on her forehead. "Mommy loves you so much." She nuzzled Kuchel's plump cheek. The baby giggled. Petra sighed, turning baleful eyes to the door. "She really misses Daddy. That's the only sad thing."
And she also missed the wind in her hair, the thrill of her ODM cable as it yanked her up into the sky. She missed the rush of adrenaline as they neared a titan, the feeling of invincibility when she sliced its knee tendons, or its ankle, or even its nape.
But the titans were gone now. They were all dead, at least in Wall Maria and probably beyond. Her old life was completely gone, and she missed it a little.
Petra sat alone with her daughter and felt herself droop.
On Tuesday, Petra brought Kuchel to see Levi off. It was only the old Survey Corps members on this mission—one last hurrah before full immersion within the Paradisian Guard. Erwin walked over to the lift, ready to be taken up the wall and brought down again on the other side. Today they were going through Wall Maria, and far past it. There was always the slight chance that they'd been wrong about the titans, that a few were still out there. But even if there were, she was sure Levi could handle it. Mostly.
Erwin was dressed in his uniform with the new Paradisian Guard badge on his arm and emblem on his back. The roses of the Garrison, wings of the Survey Corps, and unicorn of the Military Police were all gone now. In their place, there was a black background with a golden crown. The crown had three points for the three walls. The three goddesses.
Erwin smiled at Kuchel as he came over. Since Petra's little moment with the Supreme Commander a year ago, he hadn't done anything untoward. Sometimes she thought—or rather, hoped—that that brief instant of lustful madness had come and gone. That he didn't want her any longer. But occasionally, their eyes would meet and she would see that electric charge in the blue depths. I won't touch you until you ask me.
He was sincere, but the knowledge made her uncomfortable. She held up Kuchel to him. She knew she could trust Erwin Smith fully with her daughter.
"A new baby is the perfect omen for this day." He gently took her, and rocked her a few times. Kuchel always fell happily asleep in Erwin's arms. That alone softened Petra's heart towards the man. "One day, little one, you'll see the ocean for yourself." He gave a drowsing Kuchel back to her mother. "She's well behaved."
"Mostly." Petra smiled. "I just worry about how it'll be when she starts walking. We're living in just the one room, after all."
"Mmm." Erwin nodded, then made way as Levi arrived. Petra went to her husband, kissing him openly on the mouth. Levi gave a surprised grunt. He wasn't the demonstrative type, not in public. But he kissed her back.
Maybe it was meant as a light reminder to the commander of where her heart would always lie. Maybe it was childish. Maybe.
"Make sure she's a good girl." Levi let Kuchel hold his finger in her tiny hand. His face visibly relaxed when he beheld his daughter.
"I'll take good care of her," Petra said.
"Tch. I was telling Kuchel to keep an eye on you."
Bastard. She loved him. Erwin cleared his throat and motioned to the lifts. Most of the horses and soldiers had been loaded. She saw Eren—his hair was getting long. He truly needed to cut it. Mikasa was standing alongside him. Both looked a bit withdrawn.
With a pang, Petra remembered the third, Armin. The boy had excitedly talked of visiting the sea. His dream had never come true.
I wish Armin were here. But she didn't say it, because it would imply wishing that the commander were gone.
"We should be home before dark." Levi kissed her once more. He put a hand to her cheek. "I'll take you both there, one day. If it's safe."
If it's safe. Once, Petra had leapt into danger. Now she had to be protected from it. Kuchel gave a short squeal, bringing her back to the present. To her baby daughter. Well. A little freedom was a sacrifice worth making for her.
"Good luck." She nodded. "Both of you."
Erwin gave a salute and a bow, then he and Levi walked away. They went up in the lifts, over the wall, and then were gone.
Kuchel made some shrieks, then scrunched up her face and began to cry. Maybe she was hungry. Or maybe she always cried whenever her Papa went away. Surely she was too young to miss Levi. Surely.
"Come on." Petra kissed the baby's head, and bounced her. Kuchel calmed down. "Let's go home."
They found the titan about a mile outside Wall Maria. Levi had been impressed with how cleared out the area was. When the green flare went up, his heart sped for an instant. In a way, he'd hoped there would be a danger. He'd been inactive for so long, and training could only work him so hard.
But this titan was faceplanted in the grass. He'd crawled here on spindly arms and legs, and it looked like he'd been stopped a while now; grass and flowers had grown in his path's wake.
Eren walked over to the thing, put his hand on its head. A gentle gesture.
"This was a Subject of Ymir," he said quietly. "A fellow patriot."
Levi knew the merciful thing to do was to kill it. Nothing else he could do to help. But knowing it was only a human being, a sad Eldian trapped in Marley and punished according to that society's whims, he couldn't bring himself to unsheathe his blade. They rode on, Floch calling out if they were going to kill the titan or not.
On the way back, Levi thought. I'll take care of it then.
He rode at Erwin's side; the Supreme Commander hadn't spoken a word since they'd left Wall Maria. Erwin kept his gaze forever wedded to the horizon.
That was his way; always look ahead. Never live in the moment.
What a shitty way to live.
After a while, the grass beneath their feet began to shift. It got softer; turned to sand. Ahead of them, they could see a large concrete wall.
Where Marleyans had sent Eldians to 'paradise' for committing any number of minor crimes. Levi's gut churned at the thought.
"Advance," Erwin called, leading his horse to an earthen slope on the left side of the wall. Levi rode alongside him, frowning because he heard noise. The strangest, loudest sort of hushing noise he'd ever heard before. He smelled salt, as well. As their horses mounted the slope, Levi glanced at Erwin. Still fixated ahead.
And then… Then Erwin's eyes widened as he yanked his horse to a halt. Levi did the same. Before Levi even turned to look at the sea, he looked at Erwin Smith.
And Erwin smiled.
For the first time in a year, Levi saw that same calm, joyous smile he'd seen before the final charge in Shiganshina.
Levi. Thank you.
"Levi. Look."
Around him, Levi heard the brats and Hange making admiring noises, or gasping, or even squawking on Sasha's part. Levi looked out.
He saw an endless blue. An entire world of water stretched away on either side, as far as he could glimpse.
Levi Ackerman felt wonder. He felt as if the whole world was peace, and stillness, and blue.
Petra and Kuchel should see this.
Then he thought of what lay across that vast expanse of blue. Of what would come to find them again one day.
Levi Ackerman felt fear.
Petra and Kuchel should never come here.
No more time for thinking. Hange screamed in excitement, guiding her horse down the sandy slope and towards the water. The others followed. Even Erwin was still beaming with excitement as he went after them.
Levi followed at a careful pace.
Petra heard the knock on the door as she finished changing Kuchel. She put the dirty cloth diaper into the hamper—Levi insisted on washing them almost as soon as they were soiled, but she had company right now. Kuchel giggled as Petra put her in a fresh smock, and picked her up.
"Auntie Brigitta's come for lunch. Yes. We're going to have so much fun," she said in a singsong voice to the baby. She crossed the room and opened the door, smiling when she saw Brigitta.
The smile died when she saw who else was there.
"Mama?" Petra choked.
Ingrid Ral stood behind Brigitta, her best church clothes on, her increasingly gray hair in a bun. Brigitta gave Petra pained eyes and mouthed 'I'm sorry.' Then, aloud, she said, "Mama made a surprise visit. I told her where I was going."
Neither of Petra's parents had yet seen Kuchel. For two weeks up in Wall Sina, Petra had had to stay on Historia's farm until she and the baby could travel. When they'd arrived back in Trost, her mother replied to her letters saying that they'd come meet the baby as soon as work permitted. Since her father ran a vegetable stand, it wasn't the most difficult work. Petra knew a snub when she saw one.
"Um." Petra swallowed. Kuchel made some cooing noises, then gave an excited shriek.
"Are you going to invite us in?" Ingrid said.
Stupidly, Petra stepped back and let her sister and mother inside. She closed the door, surveyed the meager lunch she'd prepared. It was bread, tea, and butter, nothing exciting. She'd also sliced up a peach Levi had gotten her as a present. Plenty for two, but for three it wouldn't be much. Still, Petra would do her best.
"Would you like—" she began, but Ingrid turned.
"Is that my granddaughter?" She eyed Kuchel. Petra wilted inside. The baby looked just like Levi. Not Ingrid's favorite person.
"Kuchel Isabel Ackerman." Petra stepped forward. "Do you want to hold her?"
But Ingrid already had her arms out. Gently, Petra laid her daughter into Ingrid's arms. And the normally severe woman's whole expression changed. She beamed, sat on the bed and rocked the little girl.
"Hello, precious! Oh, you're Grandma's angel, aren't you?" Ingrid kissed Kuchel several times. The baby kicked her legs and giggled. Ingrid bounced the child, and nodded to Brigitta. "Open my bag. I have something for her."
Brigitta shrugged at Petra, stupefied, and did as she was told. Out came a little doll with a cloth body and yarn pigtails. Brigitta handed it over. Ingrid expertly held Kuchel with one arm while showing her the doll with the other. Kuchel's eyes widened; she reached for it, squealing with glee when Ingrid made the doll 'kiss' her on the nose.
"Oh, you are my little sweetheart. Yes, yes you are." Ingrid cuddled Kuchel, who stared with wondering eyes.
"Isn't she sweet?" Petra dared a little. "Doesn't she look just like Levi?"
"She's a perfect little girl." Ingrid beamed, kissed Kuchel's head again. The baby was falling asleep already. "I'm so glad. First grandchild. I was starting to despair. Willem's never going to marry, it seems, and Brigitta. Well. We're still waiting. One day, I'm sure."
Petra saw her sister slump a bit. She'd been married over a year now, and had never once been pregnant. Last time they'd spoken, Brigitta had confessed she and Edvard were talking to a doctor to see if there was anything they could do.
"Would you like some lunch?" Petra wouldn't shout at her mother. She wanted this to stay civil.
At least Ingrid was wonderful with Kuchel. She handed the baby off to Petra, and watched with rapturous attention as Petra laid the child in her cradle.
"She usually naps during the afternoon. We just need to be a little quiet," she said.
The women took their food, and Petra poured the tea. It was from the little white teapot she'd gotten Levi for his birthday; the cups were all good china. It was a very fine set, one he took enormous pride in, so Petra watched everyone handle their cups carefully. She wasn't worried about Brigitta so much as Ingrid.
"I'm glad you saw her," Petra said at last. "I'd like Papa to see her, too."
"He will." Ingrid sipped her tea. "So. Your husband's at work right now? He doesn't even have a break for lunch?"
"Levi's on a mission beyond the walls," Petra said. Ingrid tsked. "It's safe now. They cleared the titans out."
"Well, at least you're not on that mission." Ingrid looked lovingly at Kuchel; the baby gave a little sneeze. "That's just another wonderful thing Kuchel's arrival did."
"Mama, you know what we discovered in that basement, yes? It's not going to be easy now. We have the whole world to deal with."
"Yes, but you have Supreme Commander Smith." Ingrid sighed. "Now that's the image of a man. He spoke so courteously to Papa and me at your wedding. I really don't know that I've ever seen anyone so handsome before."
Brigitta and Petra exchanged amused looks. Ingrid was close to fanning herself.
"Ah well." Ingrid took a small bite of bread. "You wouldn't have had Kuchel without Levi, so I'm not upset how things turned out. But I'm amazed you didn't make a play for Erwin Smith when you had a chance."
Petra was jerked back into memories of lying on his bed, him half naked on top of her. His lips on her cheek, her mouth, her breasts. I won't touch you again until you ask me.
"Why's your face so red?" Brigitta looked surprised.
"The tea's hot," Petra grumbled. She drank, feeling cross. Of course Ingrid would pick Erwin over Levi. Erwin was conventionally attractive and good with words, but he was all surface. A good man, yes, but one capable of sending people to their deaths without blinking.
It was because of Erwin Smith that she would never see Oruo or the others again. Petra found she couldn't quite forgive it. Meanwhile, Levi was a stupidly honest person. She loved that about him.
"Levi will be back tonight," Petra said. "You should see him."
Maybe she could bridge the divide between the two. Ingrid shrugged.
"Perhaps. Though I'll have to ask why he hasn't found a proper house for the family yet."
"Houses cost money, even for Humanity's Strongest."
"Still, on his salary? Kuchel will be ten before she has a room of her own."
"More like three or four. With both our salaries, we should make it work."
Ingrid put down her cup with a hard thunk. She looked aghast.
"You're…you're not still working, are you?"
"I'm not taking long scouting missions, but I'm doing clerical work for the Commander. Soon I'll be training the new recruits. Of course I need to work, Mama. We can't support three people on Levi's salary alone!"
"What about Kuchel?" Ingrid looked stricken.
"I won't start field training until she's six months old, and even then I can keep her near me. Or Levi can; we can take turns training recruits or being in the field."
Now Ingrid looked ready to faint. "Your husband is going to take time off from working so he can babysit?"
Petra saw red. "It's not babysitting if it's his child."
"This won't be good for Kuchel."
"Everything is being arranged so that Kuchel can get the food and attention she needs. Erwin's being very understanding. So is Levi. There's also Mikasa, Kuchel's cousin on Levi's side. She loves Kuchel. She's already said she'll look after her sometimes."
"And Edvard and I will be happy to take her when she's old enough," Brigitta said.
"Well hopefully by then you'll be too busy with your own children." Ingrid gave Brigitta a disappointed look. Brigitta focused on her bread. Petra knew she was doing it to avoid bursting into tears. Brigitta had always kept the peace. Petra wasn't like that.
"Stop saying those things to her," Petra snapped. Ingrid appeared indignant.
"What? I won't pretend it's not disappointing Brigitta isn't pregnant yet. But it's not her fault, of course. It's just frustrating to me that you're the mother and yet you're not interested in mothering."
Petra wasn't going to shout. She wouldn't wake Kuchel.
"My baby is healthy and happy and growing. How am I doing a bad job exactly?"
"Petra. You really are the most selfish person alive. Your baby should be your entire job! You can't be a part time mother. Kuchel will grow up to be wild without you."
"I'm. Here," she snarled. "I'll be with her most of the time, and she has plenty of family that loves her that can step in when I'm away. At most I won't be with her for four hours a day; I'm not going off on trips for weeks at a time!"
Ingrid stirred her tea. She looked quietly furious. "This isn't about buying a house. This is about you not wanting to give up your career." She made a dismissive noise. "Career. As if it's important."
Petra gripped the edge of the table. "We're trying to ensure the survival of all the people on our island. It's very important."
"Yes. And that's Levi's job. He was the indispensible one. You weren't."
"I was good enough to be on his squad."
"That's not the same as being him. Petra, I'm saying this to you as a woman. There's nothing more important in this world than raising your child well. That's how our world continues at all. Without good, strong people, our society crumbles to nothing."
"I agree. But that doesn't mean Kuchel needs to be glued to my hip until she's eighteen!"
"You've been given the one most essential job a woman can do, and you're trying to shirk your duty." Ingrid scowled. "It's painful. Brigitta would do the job right, and yet she can't—"
Brigitta couldn't hold it anymore. She burst into tears, got up, and ran out the door. Kuchel began to cry and fuss. Shit. Petra went and picked up her baby, bouncing her and shushing her. Kuchel calmed, and Ingrid came over. She looked all smiles again, and held out her arms.
But Petra turned herself away, shielding the baby with her body.
"Petra." Ingrid gasped.
"I want Kuchel to have her grandmother in her life." Petra's voice shook; she fought not to tremble while holding the baby. "But if you want to see her, you need to start changing how you talk to me and to Brigitta. Especially Brigitta. She won't tell you no." Petra glared. "I know you're disappointed with how your life turned out, Mama. I know you think Papa could have done better for us. But I'm not going to let you be bitter and make our lives hell! You need to apologize to Brigitta. I deserve an apology, too, but I can live without it today. If you want to see Kuchel grow up, you need to change. It's that simple."
Kuchel began to whimper, not liking the loud noises. Petra shushed her daughter, laying Kuchel against her breast. The baby gaped at Ingrid, who appeared ready to cry.
Whatever bad things Petra could say of her mother, it was clear she loved her granddaughter already.
"I…" For once, Ingrid was speechless.
"Go after Brigitta. Apologize. Then we'll see." Petra turned her back. The message was simple: we're done.
Ingrid gave a muffled sob, then left. She closed the door behind her. Petra had to blink back tears of her own as she rocked Kuchel back and forth, singing little nonsense words until the baby was asleep.
Petra put the infant into her cradle, then sat on the edge of the bed and silently cried.
Had her mother been right, at least a little? Was it abnormal for Petra to want anything else in the world than to be Kuchel's mother? Was she trying to work to satisfy her own pride?
More than ever, she wished Levi would come home.
"Oi. Hange. It could be poisonous. Don't touch it."
He was the only one who hadn't taken his boots off. Even Erwin had shed his cloak and was now walking barefoot across the sand. The dumbass kids were frolicking in the waves. Sasha and Connie were dunking one another; Jean was trying to drink the water, idiot kid. Mikasa and Eren were standing up to their calves, looking out into the distance.
When they were standing like that, Armin's absence became conspicuous. Levi averted his eyes, looked to Erwin. The Supreme Commander waded out to join Hange, who was trying to pick up something alive and pointy. Like fucking always.
Levi didn't want to touch the damn water. What if it was diseased? What if he carried germs back to Kuchel? He'd never forgive himself.
"Levi! Join us!" Erwin laughed, turning away as Hange splashed him like some idiot child. Erwin looked so entirely unburdened here. Levi just shook his head.
"I got to see it. That's enough." He watched Hange pull some kind of squishy thing out of the water. Whatever. She was beyond help. Levi kept staring out at the horizon. The waves grew louder, pounding the shore harder as the afternoon lengthened. Gulls wheeled overhead, white and gray birds with loud, piercing cries.
Eren, still speaking with Mikasa, lifted his hand and pointed to that horizon. Wonder what the kid was saying.
Fuck, the world was big. Levi had yearned for so long to find something enormous beyond the walls. He'd dreamed of freedom. Now he had it. Oh, he had it all.
Careful what you wish for. That was the saying, right? Now that Levi was a father, all he wanted was a small, safe world for his child to grow up in.
Erwin walked out of the waves and came up to him. His white shirt was speckled with water. Already, his nose and cheeks were getting sunburned. The two men stood alongside each other, gazing at the ocean.
"Any idea what the next step is?" Levi asked quietly.
"Already thinking about it? Shouldn't you enjoy the day?"
"I don't think I know how to enjoy things." Painfully true.
"I relate to that." Erwin crossed his arms. "To answer your question, we currently have no naval power. It will take time to even construct a vessel that can bear us across the sea."
"So."
"So. We set up camp here. A constant rotation. One of the two titans must always be present."
So Erwin would be here for days, maybe even weeks at a time. Then Eren.
"We need to be prepared," Erwin said, "for whenever they send in a new ship. They will. We'll need to intercept it, hopefully without too many casualties. The only way to begin is to gain information."
"Do you think we can do this?" Levi had never been this uncertain before.
"Truthfully? I'm not sure we can change an entire world." Erwin sighed. "But I'm determined to try."
Sometimes Levi felt guilty about choosing Erwin over Armin. Sometimes, in the darkest moments, he even wished he'd chosen the boy over the commander.
This moment? Was not one of them.
They'd stayed longer than Levi wanted. The sun was almost fully down by the time they hit Wall Maria. Erwin advised them all to stop over for the night and continue in the morning, but Levi went ahead. Kuchel would be asleep by the time he got in, but he never rested so well as when he could hear her breathing, and feel Petra in his arms.
It was past eight thirty when he finally got them to haul him and his horse back up and over the Trost wall. Tch. Just his luck that the two most southern facing gates also had to be permanently blocked off. He rode through the city streets until he reached the barracks. Normally there'd be some rookies on hand to stable the horse for him, but the barracks were empty now. Tonight, he and his family would be the only souls within it. He rubbed the mare down, impatient to get home. He gave her food and water, stroked her muzzle, and left.
When he opened the door, he found a candle still burning. Kuchel was asleep. Perfect angel. If she woke fussing in the night, he'd grump and walk her around and secretly be delighted. He was no big sleeper himself.
Petra was lying on her side on the bed, staring at the wall. She rolled over when he entered, and smiled. But there was no hiding the way her face was swollen from crying.
"What happened?" Levi instantly went to the worst. Kuchel had a fatal disease. Petra had a fatal disease.
"My mother came over today." She sat up, sniffling.
Well. That wasn't much better.
"She a bitch to you?" Sometimes Levi wished she wasn't Petra's mother. He'd have real choice words for her then.
"Just the usual. I'm not a good mother because I plan to keep working."
"Of course you have to work. I can't support us—"
"That's what I told her. But she made me feel guilty for wanting to work." She glanced up at him. He stood before her, not making a move to hold or kiss her. Frankly he was too fucking pissed. "And I wonder if she doesn't have a point. I was useful when we had to kill titans, but I don't know how useful I'm going to be now that…we know the truth."
He sat beside her. Levi wasn't one for comforting hugs and soothing words. He made her face him.
"I picked you for my personal squad because you were a badass. You've got grit, determination, and you're not afraid to get dirty to solve a problem. Of course we need you. Erwin said you had a good head, and he doesn't bullshit." Levi huffed. Honestly, why did people need to talk so much? "I feel better knowing that Kuchel has two tough parents who can protect her. Okay? I want her to see someone strong and willing to fight, not someone who hides at home because that's what she has to do now she's pushed out a kid."
"Levi." She kissed him. "You really are getting better at the word thing."
Yeah. He was getting soft. Or maybe it was spending his free time with another person. For a long time, he'd gone home in the evening and sat by himself until dawn.
They washed up, got undressed, put out the light and slid into bed. The moon gazed in on them through the window. Levi loved burying his nose in her hair, smelling the hard white soap she used. She cleaned herself well, scrubbed hard to please him. His cock twitched. Petra ground her ass against him, which helped him along. Quick, he yanked up her gown and unleashed himself from his drawers. He loved hearing her try not to whimper as he nibbled her shoulder, as he slid inside of her. Fuck, she was ready for him. Levi held her tight as he thrust once, twice, finding the rhythm—
Kuchel started to cry. Well, fuck. He pulled out, put himself away, and went to pick up his daughter. Every once in a while, she wasn't his favorite person in the world. Well. That was a lie, but he felt annoyed.
"One day." Petra sighed, smiling as Levi walked Kuchel up and down the room. The baby made delighted sounds; maybe she'd missed him today.
"Yeah. One day," he said.
Two days later, Petra and he got called into Erwin's office. The Supreme Commander smiled, but gave no hint as to what the fuck was going on.
"Can you both come with me?" he said.
"Mikasa's watching Kuchel. She won't need to be fed for a few hours at least." Petra frowned. "Sir? What is it?"
"This won't take long. Follow me." Erwin led them out, with Levi shooting the man sullen looks. Levi didn't exactly like surprises. They left the barracks, turning right and walking slowly along the street.
"So what? This some kind of drill? Because the suspense has got me ready to shit my pants," Levi muttered. Petra sighed at his colorful language. Well. She knew what she was getting when she married him.
Erwin stopped in front of a building. A small house, to be precise, one crammed between two larger buildings. You saw these little houses around the busier streets of Trost. Starter homes, rich people called them. All we can afford, that was most people.
Erwin produced a key and walked the few steps up to the front door. He unlocked it, opened it.
Then, he handed Petra the key.
"Wh…" Petra looked at the key. The house. The commander. Then back to the key. Blood drained from her face. "Oh. We…we can't. We can't afford—"
"As Supreme Commander, I have control of the military's finances. Considering how lavishly the Military Police liked to treat themselves, I found there was much more in the budget than I'd ever expected. I can allocate some funds towards special housing for specific needs." He nodded. "You have a family. That one room isn't going to do you any good."
Levi could barely hear any of this. He could only stare at that door, the two windows at the front of the house, the little steps that led up to the…
The house. His house.
"Erwin," he croaked. "We can't use the military's money for this."
"In one month, the Military Police ordered enough expensive alcohol to buy this house, and then buy half of it again. This is a stone's throw from the barracks, so you can be summoned if need be. You need this, Levi. Your daughter does."
Levi had grown up in shitty apartments, drifting through the underground with Kenny. His daughter would live in a house. A real house.
Dazed, he followed Petra inside. Their footsteps echoed on the hardwood floors. The place was bare, but that was fine. They entered a small drawing room. To the left, Levi opened the door on a bathroom. Their own fucking bathroom. To the right, they entered an even smaller room adjacent to a kitchen. Kitchen. Dining room. Living room.
Levi had never owned multiple rooms before. Not like this.
And there was a staircase. He and Petra trooped upstairs, and found two bedrooms on opposite sides of the hall. When the time came, Kuchel would have her own room.
His daughter would have a normal life. A normal childhood.
Erwin Smith stayed downstairs, looking up at them with a smirk. Eh, fuck him. The big blond genius. Levi didn't hug people, as a rule, and he didn't plan to start now.
"Well?" he murmured. Petra turned to him. She had tears in her eyes as she hugged him.
"It's perfect." She sniffled. Levi gazed over the banister at Erwin again.
"You're Humanity's Strongest. A hero of Shiganshina. A house for your family is the very smallest thank you we can give."
Levi held his wife, and stared at his commander. Fuck, his best friend. Levi could read the sadness in Erwin's eyes as well as the pleasure. He was still close to the barracks, but now also a world away. It was another goodbye.
"Erwin." He grunted, nodded. "Thank you."
No snide comments. No scowling. For Levi, it was an unusual response. Erwin smiled wider.
"It's my pleasure," he said. It sounded like he meant it.
Three days later, they were spending their first night in their house. For now, they kept Kuchel's cradle in their bedroom. They'd brought all their furniture inside, which was not a lot. They had a kitchen table and chairs, a cradle, a bedside table, a small bookcase and a bed.
"We're going to have to start getting things," Levi muttered. His voice echoed in the bare room. Kuchel gurgled in her cradle.
Petra kissed his shoulder as she crawled into bed. "I can't believe Erwin did all this just because I mentioned we were getting cramped."
"That's the type of guy he is," Levi said. It really was. Levi could spend the rest of his life trying to understand Erwin Smith, and he wouldn't come close.
Well. That is, he had thirteen years to do it. No. Twelve, now.
He pushed the thought away. Not tonight. Tonight, as Petra started to put out the candle, he grabbed her wrists and pinned her arms down on either side of her. He got on top of her, slowly kissed her. Savored her. Petra whimpered, thrusting against him.
They both froze when Kuchel gurgled again. They stared at one another, Petra looking understanding and sad.
Fuck it.
"She's too young to know." Levi sat up and pulled Petra's nightgown over her head.
He made her scream twice before they were done. By then, Kuchel had fallen asleep.