The autumn was bright outside their window, red and gold trees resplendent on the capital streets. Tch. Back in Mitras again for another fancy party. Levi glared out the window, then glowered at his reflection. He was starting to look like a peacock. His dress shirt was blindingly white, the cravat felt fluffier than usual, and the blue coat was way too bright. Looping gold embroidery practically shouted on his cuffs. Plus, he had to wear these tight gray pants that made his crotch itch. Levi felt trapped. He didn't like to call attention to himself at these fancy royal parties. He hated parties.
"You're sulking." Petra came out of the bathroom in her slip. She took her gown from inside the closet and laid it on the bed. Kuchel, five months old now, was learning how to roll. She rocked back and forth on the bed, squealing with glee. Levi looked at his daughter, sighed. He'd rather spend the evening with her.
"I look like a fancy asshole." He brushed off the coat, made a face. This was what he got for letting his wife talk him into something new. Petra put her earrings in.
"It's dark blue."
"It's too bright."
"I know it's not black, but you look so handsome in colors."
"Tch." He fiddled with the stupid cufflinks Edvard and Brigitta had gotten him for his birthday last year. He wasn't used to getting presents. He didn't know how to say thank you graciously.
"I thought you liked to dress nicely." She grinned. "When we were in the underground you had to wear flashy vests and popped collars. And you always wore a cravat into battle."
"Cravats are classy," he muttered.
"Even in battle?"
"You nitpicking the way I dress now, Ral?" He kept swiping at microscopic dust on his jacket. "You've got to dress to show them you're the biggest badass around. Underground, you gotta look colorful. Up here, black is classy. Cravats are classy. Only bootlicking pricks dress like this."
Levi knew he was a coarse son of a bitch. Nothing would change that. So he wanted his surroundings and his person to look as distinguished as possible. It gave him that little bit of pride.
"You are handsome, badass, and very masterful." She cooed that in his ear, kissed his jaw. Tch. Of course she'd try to make him feel sexy. It was one of the things she did best. But Levi stopped fussing.
"The midwinter ball's bad enough. Hate having to make this trip twice in a few months."
"It's his fortieth birthday, and the queen's giving the party. You know why." Petra fussed with the cravat for him. Levi thinned his lips. Yeah. With the Marleyans on the southern end of the island living as half prisoners, half guests, and with the continued unease of their new situation as a nation of devils, any opportunity for levity got snatched up. Erwin needed to be constantly seen as Eldia's golden boy. A party from the queen for Humanity's Hope made the Supreme Commander look good to the aristocracy. The tensions between Erwin and the rich pigs had already been taut; now they were liable to snap.
"Why do they want me there? They know I'm shit at this."
"Because you're his right hand man." She gave him a soft look. "And his best friend."
"Yeah." Levi said it half-heartedly. The Zeke thing still hung between him and Erwin. Fuck, ever since Levi'd brought him back it'd felt like they were in constant flux. They got close, then drifted apart. That old steadiness was gone.
"Hey. Erwin Smith cares about you more than anyone else. I know he does." Petra went to the bedside table and picked up her necklace. It was a topaz on a silver chain. She fastened it around her neck. She smiled. "Remember when you gave me this?"
"Fuck yes." Nearly two years ago. Their relationship had been brand new. Levi's tension dissolved as he touched the jewel.
"Mitras isn't all bad. It's where we first confessed our feelings. Where we first…"
She kissed him, letting the end of that sentence hang. Levi kissed her deeply, half wishing Kuchel weren't on the bed and baby talking at them for attention.
"I don't know where I'd be right now if we hadn't done all that," he muttered.
"I know one thing. You wouldn't have had as much fun." She hugged him, then went to put on her green dress. She looked beautiful in green. Or in anything. Levi tickled Kuchel's feet. She giggled like mad.
"Hard to believe he's fucking forty. Forty's not young."
"It's not old, either." She winked at him. "It's so rare to see anyone in the Survey Corps reach middle age. Not that we're in the Corps anymore." She sighed. "We can leave at midnight. No one will expect us to stay later."
He grunted. Okay. A few hours in these doll clothes and he could relax again.
Petra returned to the bathroom to put on makeup or something. Levi nabbed a cloth, draped it over his shoulder. Kuchel had spit up on him once, and he'd died a little inside. He'd made sure to wash his hands. Safely covered and cleansed, he picked Kuchel up and held her to his breast. Instantly, she cooed and fell asleep. He bounced her a bit. Kuchel liked people, loved her mother, but everyone could see she was her father's girl. She lit up when he stood over her, always fell fast asleep in his arms. He rarely kissed her in front of anyone, but he kissed her cheek now. She tasted like soap, and powder. Kuchel gave a little grunt as he held her. She nestled into his shoulder, her fat little cheek smushed against him.
Levi shut his eyes. Loving her was almost a physical pain. When he'd been young, he'd been as full of fire as Eren. He'd lashed out at anyone who said boo. He'd felt every insult like a kick to his soul. Never cried, but he showed his anger and hurt in other ways. Violent ways. After a while, he started to go numb. Only so many dead bodies you could see, only so many druggies stretched out with needles in their arms, only so many violated whores with bruised faces until you just had to shut down. He was like a pencil tip; started off sharp, became a nub of himself. That distance he felt from almost everything helped him. Made it easy to do brutal things. That's why he'd clung to Furlan and Isabel. They kept him from descending fully into being a monster. What he did, he did for them. To save them.
Which was why he'd gone ballistic when they died. Since then, he'd grown even more numb. A few things got through to him. Erwin. Petra. Falling in love with her had been an exercise in happy agony. He'd thought his emotions had thawed when he married her. He'd thought that was as far as he'd go. Then he became a father. He loved his little girl so violently that it choked him. He was like a limb that'd gone to sleep; waking up, he was tortured with pins and needles. That was how he felt now. He was awakening. He was feeling again.
You became emotional, Erwin had said. It's unlike you.
Levi didn't know if he wanted to be a guy who felt. He wasn't sure he could avoid it.
There was a knock at the door. Levi set Kuchel back down on the bed as Petra let in her parents. Pieter beamed to see Levi, while Ingrid politely nodded.
"Levi! My boy." Pieter came and hugged him. Levi endured it; the guy meant well.
"Hello. Levi." Ingrid tried smiling. Tried, not succeeded, but it mattered. Petra had talked with her mother. The price for seeing Kuchel was being civil to people. Fair price to pay. Instantly, Ingrid picked Kuchel off the bed and came alive. She cuddled the baby while Petra slipped into her dress shoes.
"Thank you for coming all this way to watch her, Mama. Papa."
"Any chance to see our little angel. Huh? Angel?" Pieter kissed Kuchel's cheek. The grandparents sat side by side on the bed, adoring the girl.
That was what children were supposed to have. Love. Safety. If Levi had been deprived as a boy, he could at least make it right for his daughter. That was something.
She was never going to be abnormal like him. He'd see to it.
"We'll be back soon after midnight. Her bedtime's at seven, and she's just been fed." Petra put on her wrap against the cold. Her parents had a room of their own; Historia'd spared no expense making everything perfect.
When they went downstairs, they found a carriage waiting for them with the queen's emblem on the door. Levi felt people staring. He wanted to turn around and go back upstairs. Petra looped her arm through his.
"Think of it this way. We can spend a few hours with the aristocracy or with my mother."
"Either way, I lose," he grumbled. Levi smiled when she gasped with mock anger. He helped her in, climbed in after. The carriage set out for the palace.
Things were about to get unbearably fancy.
Levi had forgotten how disgustingly huge the palace was. It was so enormous that he and Petra had to walk what felt like half a mile up the steps to be properly received by the queen, and then after that they had to cross a courtyard the length of a field just to get to the ballroom.
The opulence only made Levi think of the kids rotting away underground. Or at least the ones who had been rotting; the queen had saved them, brought them up to fresh air and sunshine. But still. Guys like Erwin could talk about the grandeur and aesthetic or some shit, but Levi just saw a world out of balance.
Well. Couldn't change that.
They entered the ballroom, the ceiling high, voices echoing off the walls and up to the chandelier. On a platform, musicians were warming up and launched into some kind of, er, gavotte? Was that the term? Who cared. Petra bounced on her toes, eyes bright. She loved dancing. Crazy kid.
"Hey. There's Eren." Levi pointed the kid out, standing with his group of pals over by the buffet. "Say hi. Make him dance with you. I'd pay good coin to see it."
They had an understanding. Petra could dance with whomever she wanted, so long as she didn't try to rope Levi into it publicly. Privately, she'd taught him a few dances. He didn't mind dancing with her in their room. It got real intimate, which he liked.
She kissed his cheek. "I'll be back soon."
"Take your time." His gift to her. Petra loved friends and balls and all that shit. Levi endured it. His wife sailed off to speak with the kids while he sought out the bar on the other end of the room. He made his way over. The barkeep smiled.
"Sparkling wine, sir?"
"Tea."
The man blinked. "Tea?"
"Black tea. You got that?"
"Um. Yes…" He cleared his throat. "If you're sure you wouldn't rather wait until after dinner—"
"I know what I want. Tea." Levi turned his back on the guy, crossed his arms, and watched the party. In the past he'd drink alcohol at these things just to blend in. He didn't go in much for socializing, and he'd stand around feeling bitter as Petra danced with lots of young men. He'd watch them in case they tried to make off with her. This time, he could relax. She was his. The others could only look, and touch her by the hand and waist during a dance.
"I won't have what he's having," Erwin said, sidling up to the bar as the man poured Levi's tea and set it down. "Whiskey."
The two men stood there, alone for the moment. Erwin sipped his whiskey; Levi held his saucer and picked up his cup in his own particular way. He blew on it first to cool it.
"That's the nice thing about getting older." Erwin smirked, nodding at the tea. "Being true to your own idiosyncrasies no matter the venue."
"Is that fancy asshole talk for 'you're a weirdo and don't care'?" Levi smirked too. Fuck, it felt good to have Erwin alongside him. Just the two of them. Even as a family man, there was a part of Levi that would always want Erwin Smith near, and exclusive. "Thought the guest of honor usually arrived with a big blast of trumpets or something. Happy birthday, by the way."
"Thank you."
"Forty. Shit. No offense, but who'd have thought you'd live this long."
That halted the conversation a moment. They both drank. They both knew how he'd made it to Mitras tonight.
"The queen has a speech planned before dinner."
"Right now you're just swimming around the lords and ladies, right? Tch. Remember when we used to beg for funds at these fancy parties? Now you have all the funds."
"Yes. Now I have lords and ladies coming to me." Erwin swallowed the last of his whiskey and set the glass down. They both watched the dancers in silence. They both noticed Petra take to the floor with Eren. Levi could tell that Erwin was trying not to watch.
"You dance?"
"With the right partner, and if I know the steps."
"Thought you were a gambling man. Take a risk."
"At heart, I'm as vain as any man. I'll risk hundreds of lives on a game of chance. My pride? That I guard viciously."
"I don't think we'd be at this fancyass party tonight if you were just any man, Erwin."
The Commander smiled. "Thank you." He looked down. "I'm glad you're here. There are few in this life with whom I can be…absolutely honest."
"Yeah." It felt like Erwin was groping for a reconciliation. Levi was happy for that. "I'll always be here, Erwin. Not going anywhere."
"That's the one comfort I have." He sounded weary. Levi felt bad.
"Hey. Now you're Supreme Commander, women'll be lining up. Why not find someone? Life's about to get rocky as hell, so you might as well be happy while you can."
"That sounds very unlike the Levi I once knew." Erwin smirked. "I can see her influence."
Her. Yes, her.
"It's a good influence." Levi looked at him fully. "I'd be lost without her."
It was disarmingly honest for so early in the evening. Both men seemed to know it. They shuffled their feet, looked for another drink.
"I'm afraid I'm not much of a prospect," Erwin said. "I have twelve years—no, eleven years and nine months. Long enough that a woman would miss out on opportunities elsewhere, short enough that it's not a full life."
Levi said nothing. It was sound reasoning. Sad, but sound.
People applauded as the dance ended. Petra caught his eye, thanked Eren, and then walked over to meet him. She beamed.
"Taking a break." She kissed him as the music started up again. A waltz. Her favorite.
"You don't wanna dance?" He frowned. She shrugged.
"Eren doesn't know the steps, and I feel awkward waiting to be asked by these people. They're not really…well, we don't know each other."
Erwin struggled not to say anything. Levi could feel it.
Why not? It was the man's birthday, and Erwin knew absolutely where he stood.
"You know the waltz, Erwin?"
"Yes." He took his cue. "If you'd care to, Petra?"
"Oh." She checked with Levi quick, a sharp glance. He gave a slight nod. No problem on his end. Hers? She wavered a minute, then smiled. "Sure. Thank you."
Erwin escorted her back onto the floor. Levi leaned against the bar, content to watch. He had no concerns. Well, he feared a bit for Erwin. He wasn't concerned about Petra at all. He knew where her heart lay.
"Sir?" the bartender asked when Levi waved him over. He set down his cup and saucer.
"Another."
He had not held her since that fateful day in his office more than a year ago. His hand seemed gargantuan against her slender waist; her hand was delicate as glass in his. Petra Ral…no, Petra Ackerman was a hardened fighter, but also small and graceful. The two sides of her were intriguing when blended together.
She smiled politely as they began, whirling with the other dancers. Erwin knew the basic dances; he'd had lessons drilled into him by his aunt when he was eleven. She'd been disappointed in how 'plebeian' he was. How his father had raised him.
Erwin would not think of her tonight. He focused on Petra.
"You dance well," she said. Again, polite. Graceful.
"And you. It should be no surprise, of course. You were always incredible on ODM." Even when he'd been ignorant of her charms, Erwin had appreciated her capabilities as a soldier.
"Happy birthday."
"Thank you. Is your family comfortable?"
"My parents are with Kuchel. She's starting to sit up on her own." Petra beamed now, her warmth genuine. She loved her daughter. She loved her husband.
Erwin quashed his jealousy. The gray tinge of despair. He made sure not to gaze too intently at her. Levi was watching, and anyway, she'd never appreciate his advances. Erwin would keep his word: he would not touch her again until she asked.
But sometimes he wished to hell he could make her ask.
"Kuchel is perfect," he said. A safe topic. "She'll be a real credit to you both."
"Thank you." Petra gave him a kind look. "It's not too late, you know. There are plenty of women here who'd—"
"As I told Levi, there isn't enough time. It wouldn't be right to bring a child into this world only to leave it when it was still young. No, I think by forty you're a confirmed bachelor. Eldia is my great love now."
She looked a little sad.
"Well. If you say so," she replied. Her tenderness and courtesy, her sweetness and sincerity, they nearly unmanned him. To be so strong and to be so gentle was a unique combination. Why hadn't he seen her first? Why?
The dance came to an end. He held her until the last appropriate second, then applauded the musicians with everyone else. He received smiles and handshakes and congratulations from people as he escorted Petra back to her husband. All these wealthy people had once scorned him. Called him an eccentric. Now he was their most esteemed friend, at least in public. The second most powerful person on Paradis.
In public opinion, only Queen Historia held greater sway.
Petra went straight to Levi's side and wound her arm through his. They were cozy together. Erwin stood beside Levi, and they watched the party.
The queen entered to a fanfare of trumpets. Erwin put down his drink as the band struck up the new Eldian anthem, a former military tune that he'd appropriated into a patriotic song. The more unified everyone felt, the greater the chance they would hold against the world's hatred.
Petra sang as well, hand over her heart like the rest of them. Levi just watched. Erwin knew that he didn't like joining in very much. Erwin let it slide.
For now. One day, he might require Levi to set an example. They needed as many public heroes as they could get.
Historia made her way across the room to the dais on which her seat had been placed. The queen wore white, her customary color—the virgin monarch. Erwin had no earthly idea if she was or not, of course, but it made a good image. Historia was quite dainty and beautiful. The crowd murmured its approval as she settled herself. Erwin knew his cue, and walked over. He knelt at her feet and kissed her hand.
Once, this young girl had been under his command. Once she'd been an ordinary girl in the Survey Corps. How funny fate could be.
"Thank you all for coming tonight." Her voice rang clear across the room. Good, she'd been taking the lessons he'd suggested in vocal projection. "I'm glad you could all be here as we celebrate Supreme Commander Erwin Smith, the hope for humanity. He gave his all in the fight to retake our lands. He gave his life on the field, and was revived with all the power of a god. He's using that power and giving his remaining years to lead Paradis and the new Nation of Eldia to a brighter future."
A lovely speech. He'd approved it himself. He nodded at her, and she nodded back. Good.
"Tonight we honor him. Ladies and gentlemen, give him your hearts. Give him your loyalty. Give him your salute."
Erwin watched as every last person in the room, from soldier to lord, saluted him as one.
Petra and Levi saluted as well.
Though even from this distance, Erwin could read Levi's unease.
"What's wrong?" Petra whispered. Honestly, Levi could be glum anywhere. He shook his head as the speech ended and the party resumed.
"Eh. I don't like the whole… I don't know. There's Paradisian Guard banners everywhere. It feels like a big show. The anthem, and the saluting, it feels like everyone's treating him like a god."
"He has to be that now." She slipped her arm through his again. "He has to see us through this. To do that, he has to make us all follow him."
"How'd you get so smart about it?"
"I was his aide, remember? I got to learn how he thinks." Levi just kept sulking. She kissed his cheek, and whispered in his ear. "Are you upset because he seems so far away now?"
"Tch. No." He abruptly walked off, hands in his pockets. Petra went after him, trying to stay patient. They entered a deserted hallway just off the ballroom. Levi leaned his shoulder against the wall. "He didn't want all this, you know. He didn't want to be a god."
She closed her eyes. This again. Gently, Petra laid her hand upon his arm.
"I know this is hard on him. I know you feel guilty about it. But Levi." She made him turn. She cupped his face in her hands. "Knowing what we know now about Marley and the whole world, who was the better choice to save us all? Erwin or Armin?"
"Petra."
"They're both special, but Erwin has more experience. He knows how to lead people. I hate to say this but…" She whispered. "Can you imagine how we'd be handling all this if Hange had become the new commander?"
"Hange's pretty brilliant herself." He sounded offended for his friend.
"I know. She's even smarter than Erwin. But she's not a leader like he is. She's not a strategist. You saved her from a terrible burden, too."
He sighed. "Yeah. But if you'd been there before the final charge, Petra. If you'd seen him. He just wanted it all to stop." Levi turned his eyes down. "When I told him to go off and die, he was happy. And I felt it. I felt when I put the needle in his arm…that it was the wrong choice."
He whispered those words. Petra chilled.
"That's your regret talking."
"I have no regrets," he growled. "I live by my instincts. I always have. And my instincts all screamed to choose Armin."
He bent over, as if the weight of this had been physically sitting on his back. Petra held him.
"Erwin was born to do this. Armin was a sweet dreamer. He wasn't prepared."
"I just thought…" He sighed. "Mainly, I wanted to choose Armin because I wanted to let Erwin rest. He'd suffered enough. But it wasn't the only reason. There were things Armin could see that none of us could. He had actual dreams, not just shitty things that haunted him. The whole world's against us. Maybe we needed…"
"What?"
But he said nothing. Levi's brow furrowed. She could read the pain in his eyes.
"I let Erwin become the devil he didn't want to be."
"He's not a devil."
"No." He looked past her. A muscle ticked in his cheek. "Not yet."
"Levi?" He was starting to scare her. "Erwin is not going to be a devil. You know why?" She held his face again. "Because you won't let him. You always made him feel the weight of his decisions when they got people killed."
She thought then of Oruo, his bloodied face when she pulled back the sheet. She would never see him again. Because of Erwin's decision.
"Petra?"
"I'm fine." She cleared her throat. "You're going to help him with this. You won't abandon him."
"Yeah." He sighed.
"As long as the two of you stand together, Erwin will be fine." And she believed that. She knew it in her gut to be true.
"Yeah." He looked at her, his eyes flinty. "You know if it'd just been you waiting back for me in Shiganshina, I would've picked Armin."
"I know." He'd said once he'd always choose Erwin over her. He'd meant it. The corners of Levi's mouth tightened.
"But I chose Erwin because I thought of…"
"The baby," she whispered. She kissed him, stroked the back of his hair. She felt his undercut bristle against her palm. He hummed a little, eyes closed. He liked it when she did that. "I know it doesn't mean as much, but I'm glad you brought Erwin back because it means Kuchel has a chance."
"It does mean as much." He looked at her. "Means more."
And that was what truly hurt him. Levi had chosen his child over Erwin. That almost mystical bond between the two men had fractured badly. There was no repairing it. Levi was grieving. He'd been grieving for over a year now.
They'd always be together, but never the same.
The music bled through the walls. Petra wrapped her arms around him. He put his about her. She swayed a bit in time with the music. He smiled.
"That desperate to dance, Ral?"
"I like dancing with you." They kissed. He relaxed in her arms. "I always want to dance with you."
"I can't get through this without you, brat." His voice was rough. She pressed her forehead to his.
"You won't have to."
"Erwin!"
Nile came up to him, all smiles. Erwin shook the former MP Commander's hand. In truth, Nile seemed a bit happier now that Erwin had reassigned him to overseeing the recruits in eastern Wall Rose. It gave the man more time to be home.
"Good to see you, Nile."
"Hey, you're an old man now, like me. I had to see it for myself." Ah. Nile meant well.
"I can feel myself decaying already. So." He tried not to look around. "Is Marie here?"
"She is. We also brought our eldest, Senta. She's almost fifteen. She's thinking about joining the military." Nile said it with a laugh. Erwin could tell Nile wouldn't let his child anywhere near it. Smart.
"The others?"
"Isolde's eight, and Eva's just started walking."
Yes, the baby Marie'd been carrying during Erwin's uprising. Fuck, that seemed like a million years ago.
"You're blessed with a wonderful family, Nile."
Nile grinned. "There's nothing like it." He turned and put out his arm as a tall blonde woman arrived. She had a girl with her, one with dark hair like Nile's and a shy expression. Erwin glanced at Marie. She looked at him.
"Hello," he said.
"Hello," she replied. They'd met again at another party in Mitras almost two years ago. She had found him in the library, kissed him. Erwin had still desired her then, albeit not as much as his father's dream. Now that he had awoken from that dream rather roughly, he saw that she was still beautiful. More so than he'd remembered.
He had to keep from staring. He smiled at Senta. Her father put an arm around her, absolutely beaming with pride.
"Salute the Supreme Commander," he whispered.
"There's no need," Erwin said quickly. He shook Senta's hand, smiled. "It's good to meet you. Your father and I are old friends."
Senta made a soft, shy noise. She blushed, and stared at the ground. A sweet girl.
"He's a friend of your mother, too," Marie said. She stroked Senta's hair and gazed icily at Erwin. Nile laughed.
"Yes, those days in the tavern. They seem like a million years ago, don't they?" Nile asked.
"They do. But also almost like yesterday," Erwin said. Marie began to turn Senta back into the crowd. An abrupt departure.
"Marie." Nile sounded surprised.
"I promised Senta hot chocolate. Be back soon, darling. Commander."
Her glare pierced Erwin to his core. He had to force himself not to watch her go. He remembered her kiss in the library, making love to her when they were both young and felt invincible. Nile merely shrugged.
"She loves our girls."
"She should. They're clearly exceptional. Excuse me, Nile."
It was time for Erwin to speak with Historia. He needed something settled before dinner. As he went to a small antechamber just off the ballroom, her dressing area, he kept thinking of Marie. Forty-two now, but still filled with that fiery pride. He'd always loved that about her.
Seeing her again made him ache for the past.
He pushed her aside as he entered Historia's chamber. The guards bowed and gave them their privacy. She'd changed from her white ceremonial robes into a white ball gown. Her little shoulders were bare. Her hair was pinned back with white roses in it. On her dressing table, diamonds and pearls awaited her decision. A sixteen year old girl now had more wealth than she could spend in a lifetime. It overwhelmed her.
"How'd I do?" The girl turned to him, her eyes troubled. "I hate making speeches."
"I know. You did well. Thank you."
She blew out her cheeks. It was such an adolescent thing to do that Erwin smiled.
"Every time I come to Mitras, I want to go right back to the farm." She looked at herself in a gilded mirror. "I guess that's where I feel the most comfortable."
"Majesty, I need your approval on something. It's rather urgent, I'm afraid."
Erwin had been preparing for this for days now. Months, really, but he'd tried to ignore the reality until it stared him in the face.
"What is it?"
"You know that the Azumabitos want Paradis's crystal resources. The energy derived from them is apparently so powerful that nations would be in a bidding war for it. We don't know what the limits of that energy are just yet, and Lady Kiyomi has coyly refused to tell us." He looked in the mirror at Historia. "Because she doesn't want us to become independent of her. Now the "titan crystals" as we're calling them are spread throughout Paradis. A rich seam has been discovered in a cavern in northern Wall Maria. And while we can't compete technologically with the rest of the world, we're innovators. We created the ODM equipment as a response to the titans. We can create new and exceptional devices powered by these crystals. Hange is the brain trust on this, and the interior police seized enough heretical literature over the years that the science begins to become clear. We Paradisians have perhaps one year, two at the most before Marley ends this war and returns its gaze to us. We have to stockpile in that time. We have to become adept at mining the crystals, utilizing them for new weaponry and technology, and potentially…" Here he sighed. "Potentially, be ready to open up for commerce with the world. Kiyomi is desperate for our energy. The world will be as well."
"But they hate us."
"That doesn't mean they won't want our business. This gamble also presupposes a strong military, allies, and other additions I'm planning on. But right now, if we don't have new technology—our own technology—and enough crystals mined, I can't see how we'll be in a position to bargain against anyone. The alternative will be all out war."
"So. What do you want from me?"
Erwin sat down across from her. "I require a conscription act. Every able-bodied man over the age of sixteen in Wall Maria will work these crystal mines. New seams are popping up daily. Hange will require material for her experiments as well."
"Conscription?" Historia frowned. "You mean…forcing people from their homes? Their jobs?"
"In shifts, of course. Not all at once. But we must use all of our manpower on this island, or we won't survive."
"Commander. We don't force people to work in mines."
He continued. "We will also be recruiting for the military. From ages twelve up, we'll begin aptitude testing. Those with exceptional scores will be recruited."
"Forced, you mean?" Historia's eyes shone with an increasingly angry light.
"Historia. Marley has over a million soldiers. They have weapons we cannot conceive of. Zeke Jaeger is our best ally at the moment, and he is plainly untrustworthy. We need a fighting force trained and ready to die for their home. We need to master our own enterprises. We need new weapons. That's just the start." He nodded. "Reconnaissance is not far away."
"Spying?"
"You want me to save our people? This is how we do it. We get the press to spin it, of course. It's not conscription; it's patriotic duty. Give your all for Paradis. For Eldia. Fortify your home." He smirked. "Dedicate your hearts."
"What you're talking about sounds almost like…" She pursed her lips.
"What?" He said the word. "Slavery? Slaves don't share in profits, Historia. Besides, when Paradis is running closer to the world's standards in a year's time, we'll shift back to voluntary service. This is not forever. But listen." He rubbed his face. He could not show her the long hours he'd spent in his room agonizing over this. All the thoughts he'd sketched out, the books he'd perused, desperate for a last minute option. "I've tried for two months to find an answer that wasn't this. I failed. If we don't begin soon, we won't have the time before Marley turns its eye on us again. If we're not ready, we die. It's that simple."
Historia leaned her elbows on the dressing table. She bowed her head. A white rose came loose in her hair.
"There's no other way?"
"No." He knew this for a fact. Historia looked into the mirror, looked at his reflection.
"Okay. I'll trust your judgment. We'll make the royal decree this week."
He stood. "Thank you, Majesty."
Erwin walked out. Everyone was heading to dinner, so he surveyed all of them as he went. The wealthy and powerful made obsequious gestures to him. Right now, he was starting with Wall Maria. With the poor.
But one day, the rich would have to bleed as well for Eldia's sake.
That day, Erwin found, he looked forward to. He smiled as he went to dinner, the black Paradisian Guard banners watching him from every wall.
It was two in the morning before he was able to get away. Erwin got out of his carriage and looked up to his room at the inn. He sighed. A quick sleep, then back to Trost tomorrow. He walked into the inn and up the stairs, the most feted man in the walls. The Hope for Humanity.
Alone.
He was exhausted. Levi and Petra had left right at midnight. They had their family. Their life.
All Erwin had thought of throughout dinner, throughout the rest of the ball, was the young man he had been. All his options available. All the choices in the world his to make. He wanted to reach out and touch that young man now. Shake him. Order him to choose something else.
No regrets. You're a hypocrite if you have them.
Erwin fumbled the key to open his door…and found that door slightly ajar.
Fuck.
He took a dagger from inside his coat—as Levi had taught him, go everywhere armed. He was the colossal titan, not much anyone could do to kill him, but better to be prepared. Erwin flung open the door to find…
"Marie?" He lowered his blade, dumbfounded. She stood in the center of his room, unsmiling. She still wore her ball gown.
"Close the door."
He did, still stunned. She'd flung her shawl and gloves onto the sofa. The fuck?
"Does Nile—?"
"I left him and Senta sleeping."
"What may I do for you, Mrs. Dok?"
Her face twisted at her married name. "Don't."
"I have a right to ask. This is my room. It's very late."
"Yes. It is." She sat down on the bed. "It's very, very late."
Erwin felt like he was losing his mind. He put down the blade and slid his coat off. Marie watching, he rolled his sleeves and unbuttoned the collar of his shirt. He poured water and began to wash. As he washed, he spoke.
"Your daughter is a lovely girl. She takes after her father, I think."
"She does. Senta's a very gentle soul. Isolde, now. She's like me." Marie gave a short laugh. "Perpetually unsatisfied."
"Is that why you're here?" He toweled off. "Dissatisfaction?"
"Why do you have to mock me right now?"
That humbled him a bit. He leaned against the bedpost.
"Forgive me. I just want to know how I can help you."
She glared up at him, beautiful in her fury. In her eyes, he saw tears.
"Marie…"
"Don't." She stood. She'd always been a tall woman. He didn't have to look straight down to meet her eyes. "I've thought a hundred times about writing you a letter. When we last met—"
"Marie."
"Listen. I…I threw myself at you. I know I did." She looked away, stricken. "It was right of you to stop me. But the things you said." She winced. "That I wasn't enough to tempt you. You looked at me as if I were nothing."
"I was a different man then." It was true. Back then, he'd cared only about his dream. Now that it had become a nightmare, life looked very different to his eyes. "I was rude. I should have treated you with more care. Please accept my apology."
"I feel so foolish." She shielded her face from him. "I'd thought about you so often. And I'd believed like an idiot that you thought about me." She sniffed, shook her head. She was proud and angry again. "I should have known. Men don't love like that. They don't love what's hopeless."
How wrong you are.
"I've thought of you throughout the years, Marie. Often." For fuck sake, until recently he'd chosen whores who looked like her. He didn't tell her that. "When you met me in that library, I was obsessed with discovering the secrets of our world. I found them. And I learned something else." He shut his eyes. "I blew up my life for no good reason."
They stared at one another, miserable, across a stretch of wasted years.
"It was my fault." She drew nearer. "I should never have married Nile."
"Marie—"
"I should have gone after you."
"There was nothing you could have done to change my mind."
"Then at the very least I shouldn't have married a man I didn't…" She couldn't say it. She began to cry. He touched her hand.
"You have three girls who wouldn't exist otherwise."
"And I love them more than anything. But do I have to resent my own life?" She sat down on the bed again, face in her hands. "After we married, Nile put me in a little house in Wall Rose and went back to his job in Stohess. I saw him so rarely that it was years before I became pregnant with Senta. Things got a little easier once I had someone to care for, but I knew what he'd wanted. He'd wanted to protect me." She spat the words. "To Nile, protection meant not having to work. It meant sitting in a little house that someone else paid for. Tranquility. To me, it was a death sentence."
He knelt beside her. In truth, a woman like her—artistic, intellectual, passionate—choosing a cloistered life had always struck him as a terrible idea.
"I've thought of that one day we had together over and over," she whispered. She wiped her cheeks. "I've only been with Nile since. I'm sure you've had plenty of women."
He didn't deny it. "None that mattered. No real relationships."
For a brief moment he recalled being in bed with Petra, but pushed it aside. That was doomed to be a fantasy.
"Did you ever think of it? Our one time?"
The air grew very still between them. Something fragile and fine was emerging, something that could be damaged with a breath.
"Yes. Often." His voice trembled. "All the time."
For a while he'd only been able to have sex from behind because he couldn't look on anyone's face that wasn't hers. As a young man, he had been on fire with love. Now, nearly two decades on, it was easy to remember what he'd loved. What he'd missed. He had never had a woman who challenged him as she did.
Marie turned to him. Their faces were close. They looked into each other's eyes.
"Will you send me away again?" she asked.
He answered by kissing her.
Before the basement, she'd been a distraction. Now, in this new hell, she was solace. As they kissed, he hurtled back across the years to being twenty-two, fresh as spring, making love to her in a paint-splattered apartment. They held one another, undressed one another. She moaned when she saw him naked again.
"You still look…" She couldn't finish. Erwin touched her, her breasts, her hips, her body. He could see the changes three pregnancies had brought. Her bust was fuller, her stomach rounder, yet she was still as beautiful to him as when she'd been twenty-four. The faint lines on her face were signs of life. She was different, yet the same. He was young again. He had gone back in time. He kissed every inch of her, getting on his knees. Marie cried with happiness. She wound her fingers through his hair.
"I thought you'd have battle scars," she said dreamily. They lay down together. She passed her hands along the contours of his body.
"I did. But my rebirth took them all away." He groaned when he slid into her. She whimpered.
"Don't stop," she whispered.
For the first time in nearly twenty years, Erwin made love. He took her, not just her body. They were each delighted with the experience the other had gained. Erwin felt jealous as he moved in her, imagining all the times Nile had fucked her. He felt sorrow, knowing she had mostly endured it out of obligation. He felt pride that she still wanted him like this.
He was no longer Humanity's Hope. For an hour he was cadet Erwin Smith, about to graduate from the Training Corps. He was young. He was excited. He was not Hope, but he had hope.
She came three times, ecstatic as she got on top and rode him until his own climax erupted. Erwin cried out, far too loud, but he didn't care. Give him this one moment. Let him feel weightless.
And if once or twice he envisioned Petra in Marie's place, he decided to forget about it.
Afterwards, they lay tangled in the sheets. She had her head on his chest. Marie giggled.
"What?" He grinned.
"I'm glad I can still make you scream." She kissed him. He held her close, stroked her hair.
"I'm glad you came here." He meant it.
"Remember the night we went dancing, and you and I talked about opera until Nile fell asleep at the table?"
He laughed, put a hand over his mouth. It wasn't kind to recall, but Nile had been so bored by them.
"We were discussing Titania, yes?" One of the oldest surviving operas—that they'd known of at the time, of course. All about a warrior queen who slew titans but was in the end vanquished by love. "I remember. I had a problem with how clichéd the ending was. All operas are the same: a woman is brought down by love."
"And I argued it's one of the oldest archetypal constructs." She propped herself on her elbows and gazed down on him. "In the broadest mythological sense, women fear men because they love them. Love gives power."
"That sounds like a debate of its own." He winked at her. She kissed him. God, it had been so long since he'd spoken to anyone like this. Much as he loved Levi, 'archetypal' was not in the man's vocabulary. Hange understood these things, but did not care for them. This felt like meeting someone after years spent on a deserted island.
"I missed this," she whispered.
"So did I."
She lowered her lashes. "So I'm still desirable? After three children, you start to feel used. Like your body's served its purpose."
"I've rarely wanted anyone as I've wanted you. As I still want you."
"Rarely?" She arched a brow. "Let me guess. That little redhead you danced with tonight."
"Oh." He froze. "Did I give something away?"
"Only because I was watching very closely. The way you gazed at her, I could tell. She's pretty." Marie looked down.
"And married. Very happily. She's a fantasy." He cupped her cheek. "You're real."
You're here.
She kissed him again. Erwin stirred again—he felt virile again. They made love again, rough this time. When she climaxed, she cried for how good it was. By the end, he was sweating. He kissed her pulse, her breasts. Marie sighed.
"I don't want to go," she whispered. It was half past four now. If she didn't leave soon, Nile would wake and find her gone.
"I know. I wish you didn't have to." He laid a hand on her stomach.
She bit her lip. "Supposing I didn't?"
Erwin stilled. "You have children. A baby. They need their mother."
"I know. But…" She sat up. "What about what I need? What you need?"
"We can't think like that." He shook his head. "We made our decisions years ago."
"So we have to suffer for them forever?" Her eyes blazed with anger. "The decisions we make when we're barely into our twenties have to keep us prisoner?"
"Sometimes they do. If you left your children, you'd regret it."
"I know what I want. I won't regret wanting it." She looked away. "Unless you wanted me for this, but not more."
"Marie." He kissed her again. She had let him feel unashamed and uninhibited. "You're the only thing in over a year that has made me happy to still be alive."
"You don't want to hurt Nile."
"No. I don't." He and Nile had long since parted ways as friends, but Erwin couldn't do this to him. He couldn't destroy the man's world. "He loves you."
"But I don't… I care about him. I do. And in my own way, I've come to love him." Her lip trembled. "But it's not the way I love you."
I love you. To hear a woman tell him that…and a woman whom he still loved…
"Marie." He didn't know what to say. He was beyond words.
"Well. Do you?"
He knew what she was asking. To answer truthfully would start something that could not be stopped. He wanted to; he feared to. Both arguments collided.
He took too long to answer.
She got up and got dressed. She wouldn't look at him now. Ah, her temper. She had a flair for the dramatic, as did he. She had an artistic spirit, tempestuous and volatile. He'd always loved it.
He only watched as she dressed. It was a reversal of the same scene from twenty years ago, him dressing and her watching him naked in bed. Helpless as he left her.
"Goodbye, then," she snapped. She closed the door behind her.
"Goodbye, Marie." Erwin rubbed his eyes and lay back down. He heard the ticking of the clock. He should try for sleep.
But sleep evaded him.
Two days later, Erwin debriefed his officers about the conscription act. Hange appeared delighted to be given a team of scientists to train; Levi and Petra both looked uneasy.
"I'll trust your judgment, Erwin," Levi finally said. He walked away with his wife, the two of them speaking quietly. Such a pair. Erwin lingered on Petra, then Levi, then looked away.
He trudged up the stairs to his room, loosening his bolo tie. He needed to rest for a few moments. He hadn't slept properly since Mitras. Since Marie.
I suppose I won't see her again. With a sigh, he opened the door to his room.
Marie sat at his table, drumming her fingers. She stood when he entered.
Huh. I stand corrected.
"What are you—?"
"I left Nile," she said. His stomach dropped. He struggled to find the right words. Sorry? Congratulations? Oh no? "I didn't tell him about us," she said quickly. She nudged a small bag at her feet. "And you have no obligation to take me in. That night in Mitras was a turning point for me. I realized that whether I was with you or not, I'd die if I stayed with him. I did this for myself. If you don't want me, I'll find an apartment and a job. The girls will come stay with me."
"You left them." He said it with no judgment. Her cheeks blazed.
"I didn't want them to see that this was what life as a woman had to offer. Years of quiet resentment. Settling always for what other people want. Having your dreams end after a certain age." She straightened her shoulders. "I mean it. You're under no obligation. If you tell me to leave, I will. But I wanted you to know." She looked him in the eye. "I want you to know that I love you. I always have. I always will."
They didn't really know each other anymore; it was a gamble; he'd lose Nile's trust and support; it would look very bad in the public eye.
But…
Dreams don't have to end after a certain age.
Levi and Petra, their heads bent in conference without him.
It was a gamble, and he was a gambler.
That night in Mitras, he'd rediscovered the young man he'd once been. The one he wanted to be.
Marie worried her gloved hands.
"Well?" she whispered. "Should I walk out the door?"
Erwin gazed around his small, barren room.
"Fuck it," he said.
Erwin kicked the door shut and took her in his arms.