Six months later
Levi dangled on the cliff, his harness snug around him. His hook was anchored right up at the edge. The fall was steep, about five hundred feet, and the kids weren't moving as fast as he wanted. Even though it was fully spring by now, the winter snows were stubborn. His sweat was already freezing on his skin.
"Come on! Three minutes left!" he shouted. The kids were struggling with their ODM training—made sense, some of them were only twelve. Most of them had been Erwin's "conscriptions." They all had innate talent, but not all had ever thought of using it in the military. Petra said that some of the youngest brats were still crying in their bunks at night, wanting to go home.
When he heard that, Levi had to take a long walk in the dark to settle his mind.
Still, if they didn't have the spirit they washed out. Then they could go home with distinction.
And speaking of washing out, it was time to test them again.
Levi nodded at the other instructor across the way. Jean nodded back, then let out some of his cable. He went down fifty feet or so, where the first kids were coming up. Learning to use the ODM was a bitch, but they needed to crash course it. No time for coddling.
True, they didn't need the ODM so much now that titans weren't the enemy. But Zeke had said that Marley was adopting their own version of it. They needed to be ready for anything.
"Go," Levi said.
Jean took his sword and effortlessly detached one of the kids' hooks. Levi saw the brat's determined face as he fell through space, his eyes wide, his freckles standing out on his pale cheeks. The trick was to be ready in case you fell, or your hook didn't latch. Did you have the stuff to deploy at another angle. Could you improvise. Some did.
This one didn't.
Levi watched the kid fall through space, a hundred feet or so until he was caught by netting. Traditionally you didn't have safety guards in this level of training—it usually resulted in some fatalities. But Petra had been adamant with Erwin about safety. Her reasoning was that since these kids hadn't chosen the life, it wasn't fair for them to feel the ultimate consequences of failure. Erwin had agreed.
Levi nodded at the kid, now lying breathless in the netting. He could still be useful in the vanguard with a gun in his hand, but he wouldn't be making it to the elite. Levi watched as another kid came up, moving fast on the gear. This guy had a natural aptitude. When Jean detached his hook, the kid spun through the air once and then snagged another bit of the rockface. He climbed once more.
Maybe that one had what it took.
At this stage, most of the kids were fifteen or older. The little ones had a while of training to go yet. Levi hung in his harness, suspended over the world. They'd taken the training to northern Wall Rose, where the mountains started peaking. He didn't think in all his years of being on the surface that he'd ever seen mountains before. The air was clear here in a way he'd never known. You could see for miles, the alpine slopes dropping away beneath you. It was big on a scale that rivaled even the walls.
He wished he could enjoy it. But he had a job to do, and it wasn't one he especially relished doing. But Erwin needed the kids trained. Levi fulfilled Erwin's commands. It was the last simple thing in his life.
Levi jettisoned up to the edge of the cliff. He unhooked himself and stood there, waiting for the first to make it to the top.
You poor bastards, he thought, as he saw a few boys and girls racing. Don't you know your prize is a shorter life span?
But he didn't say it. He just watched.
"Fire!"
Petra walked behind the recruits, watching as they loaded their rifles and fired as one. She wore earplugs, but the noise was still almost deafening. Smoke puffed from one rifle after another. Two hundred yards away, most of the targets remained unharmed. Petra knelt beside one particularly nervous recruit. He was only thirteen, with ears that stuck out and a look like he was always about to cry. Keith Shadis, in charge of the southern training grounds, believed that screaming until someone broke was the way to fix things. She had been trained by him herself, and while it was effective it was also hit or miss.
"Squeeze the trigger. Don't pull," she said gently, helping the boy level his rifle again. "Try firing between heartbeats."
"O-Okay."
Petra stepped back as everyone readied themselves to fire again.
"Fire!"
The guns went off. This time, the boy hit the inside ring of the target. Progress.
"Lieutenant!"
Petra turned. She tried not to make a face. Floch Forster ambled over to her. His bouffant of red hair was especially ridiculous today. He always wore the most irritating smirk.
Armin died, and you survived? Nothing is fair.
She never liked having those thoughts, but she had them. Petra walked off the field, signaling for someone else to take over. She pulled out the earplugs as she met Floch.
"Yes?" She had to be a little polite. Since she'd left her position as Erwin's aide, he'd chosen Floch to replace her. It made logical sense—the others from Shiganshina were firmly ensconced in Squad Levi, and all the new troops were still green. But the sneering boy took it all as his due. "What is it?"
"Commander wants to see you."
"Okay. Let's see what Erwin wants." Whenever she used Erwin's first name, Floch flinched. He believed Erwin to be something close to a god at this point.
They walked across the field and into the barracks. These training grounds had once been for winter trials. Petra remembered hiking ten miles in the snow before falling to the ground alongside Oruo and Nifa, panting for breath.
Don't pamper him, Petra. She could hear Oruo taunting her whenever she was gentle with one of the kids. It made her smile. It hurt her, too.
They entered the lodge, where meals were served and the officers slept. Petra's cheeks stung from the cold. They walked past the leisure area, where Connie and Sasha were taking a turn babysitting Kuchel. Petra smiled at her daughter. The baby was now sitting up on her own. She had a head of black hair, and an enormous smile. She was adorable in her little dress, waving her doll with glee as Connie showed her one of the spiral shells they'd brought back from the coast. He pointed to it.
"See, Chel? Seashell!" He burst out laughing, hand over his gut. Kuchel giggled and squealed. Sasha sat on the couch and guffawed as well, drumming her heels on the ground.
"Ten times, and it just gets funnier every time you do it!" She wiped a tear away. 'Chel' was the 104th's nickname for Kuchel. Levi quietly hated it. Petra told him to keep it to himself. Petra stopped to pick up her daughter a moment. Kuchel made happy sounds as Petra bounced her on her hip, kissed her cheek.
"You're almost not a baby anymore," she said. Kuchel jammed her fist in her mouth as Petra nuzzled her daughter's head. In one month, it'd be her first birthday. She smiled at Sasha and Connie. "Thanks. I should be down soon, I can take her then."
"We love it! Chel's the only one around here who gets my sense of humor," Connie said. To illustrate it, he blew a giant raspberry, which sent Kuchel into a riot of giggles. Petra gave her one last kiss, then handed her back to Sasha. Floch appeared livid; he hated wasting Erwin's time. Petra casually strolled back to him.
"Let's go," she said.
Floch left her at the base of the stairs, off on some new important errand. Petra climbed to Erwin's office, pausing when she heard the murmur of voices and then the rumble of his laughter. The higher, female voice was Marie's. She'd come up in a coach last night to join them in this stage of training. She didn't like to be parted from her lover for too long, and Erwin seemed always happy to have her.
Petra steeled herself. She should like Marie. Marie had only ever been friendly to her. More than that, Marie made Erwin happy. Actually happy. 'Never seen him like this,' Levi had marveled once. With their world embroiled in tension, having a Supreme Commander who was steady could only help.
But Petra found she couldn't like the tall woman.
'This some girl shit?' Levi asked six months ago, when Erwin had just revealed his new partner. Petra had stopped, aghast. 'You know what I mean. Sometimes women don't like each other just because.'
'Oh, and men are always best friends?' Petra had been nursing Kuchel, seated at the table while Levi boiled water for the baby's bath. 'I'm glad Erwin's found someone.' Very glad. It took some tension away from her relationship with the commander. 'I just wish he'd found someone who wasn't married with children.'
Levi had merely shrugged, taking out soap and a washcloth. 'We don't get to choose the perfect life. We do what we can with what we have.' Then he'd looked on her with some disappointment. 'Not everyone gets everything they want when they're twenty-one, Petra.'
She felt the sting of that. She knew how lucky she was to have found the job she wanted, the man she wanted, and to succeed in both when she was so young. Her life had not been painless; she'd known her share of loss. But on the whole she was very lucky, and she knew it.
'I'm sorry she was with someone she clearly didn't love. But if she didn't love him, why'd she marry him in the first place?' It was incomprehensible to her. That would require constant lies, and she could never live like that.
'Women get disappointed. Women wait too long. Women get nervous. Men do the same thing, only we don't lift too many eyebrows when they step out.' He blew out the stove to let the water cool. 'I know enough. Erwin said they loved each other, but he left her. What was she supposed to do? You know him. He's a stubborn bitch. Was she supposed to be alone the rest of her life?'
Levi, for all his crassness and harsh demeanor, had an unusual amount of empathy. She loved it about him, but right now she wanted to be right and he was making her feel bad. She put her breast away and burped Kuchel.
'She should have found someone else. Even if it takes time, you can love more than one person.'
'So if I died tomorrow, think you could find someone after a while?'
The very idea made her recoil. Levi smirked. Damn, he knew he'd scored a point. He rolled up his sleeve and put his elbow in the water, wincing. Too hot. He picked up a jug of cool water and poured it in a little at a time, testing all the way. He would never let anything uncomfortable touch Kuchel's skin if he could help it.
'Fine. Maybe Marie didn't think she'd ever find that again. But still.' Kuchel burped. Petra wiped the baby's chin. 'She left three children. One's just a baby.'
'Nile's the one pitching a fit about her ever seeing them again. Erwin says she'd be happy to share parenting time.' Levi sounded curt. He took Marie's side partly because his dislike of Nile Dok ran so deep. But Nile had been kind to Petra during her miscarriage. He'd been pleased for her to have a child. She hadn't expected that, and found she had to defend him a little.
'It's different when you have a child. You can't just think of yourself.'
Levi gave a dry, humorless laugh. 'Woman gave almost twenty years of her life to Nile Dok. There's only so much punishment a human can take.' Petra finished undressing Kuchel, and he lifted her up. The baby beamed and giggled at her father as he settled her into the copper bathtub. Levi soaped a washcloth and started gently scrubbing her. He never looked happier than when he was helping Kuchel stay clean. As their daughter splashed, he continued the conversation bordering on argument. 'Say you'd married Oruo. Would you have forgot about me? If you had a kid with him and I gave you a chance to be with me, would you turn it down?'
That froze her. 'I…I wouldn't have married Oruo. I didn't love him.'
'Just saying. If. Think you could be such a good mother that you wouldn't leave?'
Petra stopped talking after that. Levi finished bathing Kuchel, dried her off, then took out the bathwater. Petra put a smock on her daughter while grimly admitting Levi had a point.
But still. Just because she could understand Marie didn't mean she had to like her for what she'd done.
Petra forced a smile as she came to the office. The door was ajar. Inside, Erwin and Marie were standing together. He was behind her, arms wrapped around her waist. She was holding out a large piece of paper, turning it this way and that. He whispered something in her ear, and she laughed with delight as he kissed her neck. He kissed her cheek. She was turning to kiss him properly, so Petra made a great deal of noise as she climbed the last few steps. Marie beamed when she entered.
"Hello, Petra!" She extricated herself from her lover and went to take Petra's hand. Really, she was just so incredibly nice. It made Petra hate her own dislike of the woman.
"Hi." She shook quickly. "Erwin, you wanted to see me?"
"Come in." He settled himself behind his desk, smiled. In the years she'd known him, the commander had smiled only a few times. Mostly, his smiles were small, private. A bit creepy. These days, he grinned wide and natural. His eyes followed Marie around the room. "Sorry, Marie was just showing me a new design she's worked up."
"For the Paradisian flag. The black background and crown are good for the military, but the people should have something a bit less imposing, don't you think?"
Petra didn't think. "Sure," she said. Marie turned the paper around.
"Well?"
It was a white background, with the figure of a lovely young woman in the center, naked except for long hair flowing about her. Her hand was lifted above her head as she reached for the sun. Two bowing lions flanked her. Right. Ymir Fritz, the founder. Marie happily pointed out the details.
"The lions in the heraldic pose are meant to suggest royalty. This one has briar thorns around his paws, though. And this one has wings. It's meant to symbolize the walls and the world outside, bondage and freedom." She bit her lip, scrutinizing her work. "I worry it's too busy, but Erwin thinks it's good. Of course, he'd say anything I did was good." She glanced ruefully over her shoulder.
"I'm always honest with you about your work." He looked contented.
"It's great. Really." Petra looked back to the commander. "What can I help you with?"
"Ah." He glanced at Marie, who laughed.
"Right. I'll leave you to it." She smiled at Petra once more and then traipsed down the stairs. She seemed truly happy. Exhilarated and alive.
I hope your daughters are as happy. An unkind thought.
"Sit down. Levi should be joining us shortly. What I want to say should be with both of you present."
Petra sat. She frowned. "Now I'm getting worried."
"Not at all. It's an assignment." A knock at the door. "Come in."
Levi entered, saw Petra, and frowned. "Uh. What's going on?"
"Sit." Erwin gestured, and Levi obeyed. The commander looked from husband to wife. "What I'm about to tell you is utterly confidential. It does not leave this room."
Petra leaned forward.
"Erwin, for fuck sake. Quit the drama. What is it?" Levi snapped.
"In four months, we're launching our first reconnaissance mission off the island. The goal is to infiltrate the upper echelons of Marleyan society, gathering intelligence and potentially forming important connections among the elite."
"They can't know we're Eldians," Levi said.
"They won't. Kiyomi is helping us with all the paperwork. By the time she's done, we'll have identities, identification, and detailed personal histories."
Petra frowned. "We?"
"Three of us are going on this first mission. Myself, and the two of you." Erwin said it easily. Petra thought she'd heard wrong for a moment. She…and Levi? Both?
What about their daughter?
"Erwin, you can't risk yourself." Levi sounded incredulous. He'd gone straight to Erwin, she to Kuchel. "If they catch you, they'll probably try taking your power. That's a one way stop to getting your ass eaten by a titan."
"There is a man I want to meet. Willy Tybur. Kiyomi has mentioned him. He's the sole Eldian in Marley that lives freely. Society esteems him. The key to our next step as an independent nation is through him. I feel it." Another gamble. "I received a shipment of books from Kiyomi the other day." He gestured at a box over by the window. "It has books on Marleyan history and geography. It has 'magazines', whatever those are. It even has children's literature. Everything you could want to know about being a citizen of Marley is in that box." He smiled, rubbed his chin. Petra knew what this was. She knew why Erwin wanted to head this mission. He was, at heart, a curious man. He was an explorer. Erwin wanted to take in this new world.
"So we gotta read all that?" Levi asked.
"I'll have summaries drawn up. Based on our respective characters, if you will, some bits of information will matter more than others."
"Why both of us?" Petra blurted it out. The men seemed surprised. "We're Kuchel's parents. If we don't come home, she's an orphan."
Levi, to her shock, looked a little embarrassed. He and Erwin exchanged some kind of inaudible conversation based solely on shrugs and raised eyebrows. That was a guaranteed way to piss her off.
"What?" she snapped.
"This is one of the most important missions in the history of the Survey Corps," Levi said. Of course the Corps was disbanded, but he found it hard to let things go. Erwin didn't correct him. "If we're the best bet Erwin has to keep Paradis safe, we have to take the risk. It won't help Kuchel to have her parents around if bigass airships show up dropping bombs on our heads."
"Petra, I chose you both because I need you both. I assure you, Kuchel did come into my consideration. It's just that no one else can fill your role."
Petra rubbed her forehead. Fuck, this was a direct order from her commander. She couldn't refuse. Grimly, she realized that she looked like a stereotypical woman, putting her baby above the greater good. She nodded.
"So. What roles are we playing?"
"Kiyomi is setting me up as a merchant whose primary client is Hizuru. I'll be looking to expand my enterprise further into the continent. It lends credibility while ensuring we don't have to worry about anyone in Marley corroborating the story. I'm to be extremely successful, because only the wealthy and powerful get access to Willy Tybur." He nodded at Levi. "You'll be my bodyguard both in our little fiction and in life."
Levi nodded. "Silent type. Kick some ass. I can do that."
"I couldn't have chosen better."
"And me?" Petra asked.
Erwin looked down, neatening some papers as he spoke. "You're to be my wife."
This time, Levi looked ready to say something. Something angry.
"Why's she your wife?" he asked.
"I agree." Petra's heart pounded. Fuck, she'd just grown comfortable with Erwin. Now he had Marie, after all. But this would mean sharing rooms together. Beds. Unless she made him sleep on the floor, but if they were trying to blend in that was a risk. "What if I was your other bodyguard?"
"I'm afraid Marleyans of good breeding don't like their women in uniform."
"Then I'll be your secretary." Petra pursed her lips. "Or I could be your daughter."
Erwin suppressed a smile. "I'm not sure our age gap is that extreme."
"It's close," Levi grumbled. He was hunched over in his chair now, regarding Erwin with suspicion.
"I have a reason for this, Petra. First, as my wife you'll have entry to areas of society that even I can't access. I need you to learn what you can from Marleyan ladies. Women of high social rank know more of what goes on than most of their male counterparts." She doubted he was wrong. "The second reason is that, as my wife, we'll share close quarters. We won't have to find excuses for privacy in order to debrief and strategize."
"As your bodyguard, I'll have a connecting room?" Levi asked. Demanded, really. Erwin closed his eyes, shook his head.
"I thought I might have to address this. You both have my word that I have no ulterior motive as regards Petra. I would have brought Hange in your place, Petra, if I thought it could work. But Hange's best use is here, leading her team, and…well. She's a very…ebullient personality."
"She's socially awkward and nuts," Levi said. He shrugged. "I can relate."
"She's the wrong kind of 'nuts' for the game we're playing. Petra, you're the only other adult woman who's both been with the military for years and someone I can trust completely. Many of the former Garrison and Military Police resent me for demolishing their hierarchy. Besides, you have an easy demeanor. You're good with people. You should be able to charm these women, and that's what I need. Charm. That, and the ability to break someone's arm if they cross a line. I know you can do both." He looked Petra right in the eye. "I had a moment of pure madness two years ago. I don't blame either of you for being leery of me, but I have no such designs or desire now. I promise."
Yes, he had Marie. Petra exhaled deeply. She and Levi shared a glance.
"Okay, Erwin. We'll trust you," he said.
"Good." Erwin smiled at Levi, and at her. Petra wanted to relax.
She wanted to believe him.
She'd choose to believe him.
"In the meantime, you'll both spend the next four months memorizing your 'biographies', and internalizing all information regarding Marley. You have to be outstanding, because if they suspect us in even the slightest we'll be in enormous danger. You'll receive your packets by the end of the week.
"I have a question," Petra said. "I'm guessing that Kiyomi is going to put a lot of money into this. If she wants to make us look rich, that is. What's she getting in return? I don't think it's just a promise she can mine our crystal in a few years."
Erwin smiled. She saw genuine pleasure in his eyes.
"This is how I knew you'd be a good choice for this mission. You're adept at reading people." Erwin pulled open a drawer and tossed a packet onto his desk. Levi opened it. Inside was a smattering of pebbles so brilliant that they hurt Petra's eyes. She squinted.
"What the fuck is this?" Levi said.
"Hange's work is paying off. This is purified titan crystal. There's an extensive process to distill it, but just this little bit is enough to power an entire ship for more than six hours. We tested it out on one of the Marleyan vessels we captured. It burns completely clean, too." He refolded the packet and put it away. "I sent some to Kiyomi for her inspection. She's now delighted to help us in any way she can."
"How much have you got so far?" Petra asked.
"The process is quite extensive, and its rate of success is currently low. I'd say we have eighty pounds treated. That's after four months of work." He smirked. "I told Kiyomi we had eight hundred pounds, processed in two."
Petra understood. The refined crystal was powerful, but it was hard to create. Apparently, very hard. If Kiyomi knew that, it would make her a little more cautious. She'd want to wait and see. Right now, she believed the Azumabito would be refining their own crystal in short order.
"Another gamble," Levi muttered.
"I'm afraid it's all I know."
"So. Four months?" Petra glanced at the box. "Do you know how long the mission will be?"
"I can't say with certainty, but I would expect no more than two weeks. Don't worry. I don't intend us to put down roots. In and out as quickly as we can is the best way to avoid being caught."
Petra thought of her happy, laughing baby. She couldn't leave Kuchel an orphan. But she couldn't refuse this mission, either. There was only one choice: not to get caught.
"So. Who the fuck is Willy Tybur exactly?" Levi asked.
"The answer lies in that box," Erwin said.
Petra and Levi walked downstairs side by side. He nudged her.
"Oi. Don't look like you were just handed a death sentence."
"I'm not afraid to die. I'm afraid to leave Kuchel." She felt herself weakening as they came upon the leisure area. Mikasa and Eren had taken over, and Mikasa was bouncing her cousin on her lap. The stoic girl always looked bright and joyful when she was with the baby. Kuchel made happy noises.
"I'll tell you this once." Levi stopped her before they went to their daughter. "If you want to leave the military to make sure Kuchel's always got at least one parent, I won't fight you. Erwin won't. But if you stay in this job, you agree that our daughter's happiness can't come before Paradis or the Eldians worldwide. This was the shit part about having a kid. Sooner or later, you'd have to make a choice like this." He gave a small smile. "Choose what you'll regret least."
Petra could never pick the world over her daughter…but to make sure her daughter could live a full life in that world? She'd take the risk.
"Okay. You won't hear me complain about this ever again."
He nodded, then squeezed her hand. For being in public, it was a big show of affection. He left to go pick up his daughter. Mikasa seemed reluctant to part with the baby, and the Ackerman cousins got into a small pissing match over Kuchel. Petra grinned and shook her head lovingly.
"Hi."
Petra startled; Eren was standing right next to her. Honestly, the boy moved like a cat. She smiled at him.
"Hi, Eren. How are you?"
In truth, he looked entirely changed. When she'd first met him, he'd been fifteen, gangly and with a lot of baby fat in his face. He'd been tireless, loud, and entirely open. A bit exhausting, but very sweet. Nowadays his hair was longer, and his eyes distant. He'd grown. He was starting to look like a man, not a boy. He was seventeen now, no longer a kid.
"Fine. Thanks. Kuchel's very sweet." He looked at her daughter with quiet fondness. "I'm glad she's here."
"Thank you. That means a lot."
"The captain's so different." He sounded distant now as he watched Levi hold his daughter. Whenever Levi was with Kuchel, the grimness in his expression vanished. He still was unsmiling, but his eyes held warmth and life. He bounced her on his hip while he talked with Mikasa, probably about training developments.
"Sometimes I can't believe he's the same man. In some ways he never changes. He likes his tea and his routine, and he's crass. But he's so much more—"
"Alive," Eren said. He had that distant look again. "He's happy."
"Yes." Petra tried to laugh the tension off. "Sometimes I wonder what he'd have been like if we hadn't gotten together."
"He would have been empty," Eren said. It sounded like he was sure. "He would have had nothing left. Erwin would be gone." She flinched, but he was right. She'd been the roundabout reason Levi had let Armin die. She knew that was still a sore point for Eren. "He'd still be violent and crass, but he wouldn't care anymore. He wouldn't be Humanity's Strongest; he'd just be some old, forgotten soldier. All he'd have would be his hate. And his vow."
"Eren." She hated when he got like this. It was like…like he wasn't speculating, but speaking with certainty. Like this was an alternate chapter in a book he'd read. "What are you—"
"He'd have lots of scars. He'd be down two fingers." The boy turned his extraordinary green eyes onto Petra. She couldn't speak. It felt like the appraisal of some predator. "Now, though. Who knows where he'll end up?"
"Stop it." She wanted to slap his face. He kept staring at her with half-lidded nonchalance. The impulsive but sweet boy she'd known was gone. When had this happened to him? "You have to stop saying creepy shit like this. That horrible thing you said to me just after the ceremony for the heroes, about how I should have died in the forest. Is that what you wanted? Me dead?" She couldn't stop. "Because Levi chose Erwin over Armin, do you blame me for that?"
"I don't want you dead, Petra." He frowned. At last, she'd hit a nerve. "I don't blame you for anything. What I told you wasn't a wish. It was an observation."
Before she could ask him what the fuck that meant, he strolled away and walked down the hall with Mikasa at his side. Petra gaped after the boy as Levi came over to her.
"Oi. Something wrong?" He tilted his head. Kuchel waved her arm, desperate for her mother's attention.
"It's…nothing." She picked up her daughter again, kissed her cheek. She could have told Levi, but he'd have gone after the kid, and Eren hadn't been rude to her. Just off putting. What Eren had said, well. Hange had once described such moodiness as an adolescent phase. That's all it was.
That's all.
Erwin found Marie in his room, seated by the window. There wasn't much space here. Even as commander, his lodgings weren't luxurious. The bed itself was a mere cot, a reminder of his old way of life. In truth, seeing her here, he missed their house in Trost. It was a stone's throw from the barracks, down the street from Levi and Petra's, and a bit grander than theirs. Erwin had known it was something of an extravagance, but he liked to give Marie beautiful things. She was a woman of aesthetics. The hardwood floors and brass sconces had delighted her. The day he'd shown her where they would live together, she'd burst into tears and kissed him over and over. They'd made love in the empty parlor, and when they were finished they'd lain naked together and she'd started listing the exact shades she'd paint the walls. Erwin had loved it. He loved their house. Their home. After work, he'd open the door and smell cooking, or hear music. He'd bought her a pianoforte as well, to hell with the expense. She played beautifully, and he wasn't half bad himself. He loved when she'd come to the door and fling her arms around him. They were both in their forties, but this was the first time either had lived with someone they truly loved. They were exuberantly youthful together; it was like being twenty all over again.
It was good, at their age, to have some experiences that were new and exciting.
Erwin shut the door and came up behind her. He placed his hands on her shoulders. Her blonde hair was done up in a loose bun.
"How's the artist?" he whispered, kissing her cheek. It was damp.
Marie was crying. He stepped back.
"Marie?" he asked. She turned to him. Her eyes were red, her cheeks puffed. At the sight of him, she burst into fresh sobs and buried her face in her hands. Erwin saw the probable cause of distress on her lap: a letter.
One guess as to who'd written it.
"What does Nile say?" He pulled up a chair. Marie shook her head, sniffling.
"He…he says that he won't grant the divorce."
"That's not surprising, is it?" Erwin had long gotten used to the idea that he and Marie would live as lovers, but never marry. Nile, humiliated and heartbroken, wasn't going to give his estranged wife the satisfaction of becoming Mrs. Smith. Marie didn't seem to overly mind, either.
"That's not all. You know how S-Senta and the younger girls were supposed to come visit in two weeks?" She was shaking badly now. "Well, now he's refusing to let them come. He doesn't want them to be around a 'loose woman' as he puts it. Here." She shoved the letter in front of him. Her misery was swiftly changing to fury. "Read it."
Erwin did. It was Nile all through, both priggish and sadly earnest. There was no mention of Erwin in it. Nile wouldn't commit the potentially fatal career move of directly antagonizing the Supreme Commander, but Erwin knew that if he dropped dead tomorrow Nile would dance at his funeral.
"Could you…" Marie wiped her cheeks. "Could you tell him to send them?"
"I can write to Nile and ask him to reconsider."
"I mean order him! You're the Supreme Commander!"
"Marie." He kissed her hand. "I can't abuse my power like that. I control Nile's career, but not his family."
Erwin knew that if he began managing people's private lives like that, he would cross the line into autocracy. He was determined not to become a dictator.
She pulled her hand away, stood. She was ramping up; he could see it. When Marie was brokenhearted, she got angry. It was her way.
"Do you just not want to meet my girls?"
"I've met Senta already. I doubt she'd be happy to see me again."
"Erwin, they're my daughters!" she barked. She grabbed the letter back and tore it to shreds, letting the paper bits rain to the ground at her feet. She was livid. "I haven't seen them in four months!"
The one and only time Marie had seen the girls since leaving Nile had been when she went to collect every last one of her belongings at Nile's request. He wanted no reminder of her in the house. Erwin only knew what she'd told him, but apparently Senta hadn't wanted to see her. Isolde and Eva had cried when she had to leave again. Nile wouldn't look at her once. When she'd been brusquely seen to the door, she shouted at Nile. Called him a coward. The door had shut and locked. She hadn't been allowed back in.
Nile had eventually agreed that it would be good for the girls to see their mother. But now there was this.
"Apparently Senta's a good little mother to them now. Nile's relying on her for everything in the household. Huh." She sneered. "The spineless drip."
"I can take you back to the house, if you like. When we're returning south, we can go by the eastern route. I doubt he'll bar your entrance if I'm there. He won't be pleased to see me, but he won't cross me."
Marie calmed. She began to droop, and he caught her in his arms and held her against him. In his most secret heart, Erwin was exhausted by the ceaseless drama of this fractured family. He'd been alone for so many years, so entirely focused upon work, that he hadn't realized how distress-free his domestic life had been until he lost that happy state. But if he'd wanted more tranquility, he wouldn't have taken Marie. And he wanted her. After a lifetime of denial, he wanted to enjoy something.
"All right?" he whispered in her hair. She sniffed.
"Yes. Thank you. I'm sorry." She kissed him.
"There's no reason to apologize. They're your children." She turned around and gazed out the window, nestling against him. He wrapped his arms around her, kissed her temple. She sighed, contented. It was such a wonderful thing to make a woman happy. "You love them."
"They'll never forgive me for what I did." She sounded mournful.
"Give them time. One day they'll understand."
"I wish I could go back to when they were babies. Babies have no ideas about what life's supposed to be. They accept everything."
"Hmm." He whispered in her ear. "I can't help there, but…is there any chance you'd want another baby?" He kissed her cheek. "I could be of some assistance in that case."
"Erwin! I'm almost forty three."
"I know it's unusual, but not impossible. You had Eva when you were forty, after all."
"I thought you didn't want one because of…your term limits." Neither of them knew how to say 'your death in eleven years exactly.'
"The beauty of middle age is that your perceptions shift." He thought of Levi holding Kuchel, looking at her as though she were the world. Even that unshakably grim, stoic man appeared transformed by the sight of his child. "I understand, though, if you wouldn't want to be a single mother after I—"
"It's not that," she said quickly. Marie bowed her head. "When I had Eva, it was a long and difficult birth. The doctor was afraid she'd die, or I'd die. We both came through, but he told me afterward that I'd never be able to have another child." Her voice trembled. "And it kills me, because I would have loved to… With you."
Erwin sighed. He kissed her cheek again and again.
"Are you disappointed?" she asked. He could hear how ragged she sounded. She'd blame herself for this. She'd hold it against herself.
"No. It was only a thought." She relaxed against him. "This is enough for me."
Erwin watched as Levi and Petra walked across the yard. Levi was holding his daughter.
Erwin looked away.
"These pages feel weird." Levi flipped through the women's magazine again, sneering at the unusual sensation. "Tch."
"Kiyomi said they're called 'glossy' pages." Petra and her husband were seated at their kitchen table, going over and over their biographical information. Because their names were common in Marleyan society, she would be Petra Smith. That was some help; she'd have been terrified of forgetting her own name in public. 'Petra Smith' had been placed in a 'convent', or religious house, when she was four years old. Her mother had died, and her father hadn't known how to raise her. The convent was supposed to be located off the coast of Hizuru, which helped. No one in Marleyan society would have known her, and if she was ignorant of common cultural things, she had the excuse of growing up cloistered. When she was twenty and considering leaving to find a life of her own, Erwin Smith the exporter discovered her on the way back from Hizuru. They'd married quickly, and she was his very innocent bride. He'd brought her fresh from her old life to Marley.
"I thought I'd start lying about my age when I was thirty," she drawled.
"Eh. Twenty-three's already ancient." Levi smirked when she glared at him. Kuchel, seated in her high chair, made indignant noises until Petra spooned more porridge into her mouth. Levi wiped her as soon as she'd swallowed. He couldn't stand to see her messy. "Two weeks until you're a wholeass year old. Tch."
"That reminds me. I think it'd be good to start curbing your language around her. I don't want her telling my mother to 'stop running her shitty mouth.'
"Yeah. That's my job," Levi muttered. He sighed. "This'll be tough."
Petra chewed the tip of her pencil as she sorted through the bits of history she'd be expected to know, both of Hizuru and Marley. The facts blurred, especially when she kept straying back to the topic of Eldians. Devils. The most hated race alive.
Petra glanced at Kuchel, giggling as she dunked her hand into her porridge. Levi cursed as he cleaned her. Her daughter was innocent, and yet the world would hate her if they found out what she was. Thinking of them throwing stones at Kuchel made her hate them a little, and she hadn't even left the island yet.
She put aside the history and flipped through the magazine. There were 'photographs' of women in so many different kinds of clothes. Petra knew that you couldn't hand sew most of these. Kiyomi said there were machines that made them. Factories. Some of the models glittered in 'sequins', while others had large, ostentatious feathers sticking out of their hats. Petra shook her head.
"I don't know if I'll ever feel comfortable with these people."
"That's the beauty of your identity." Levi sipped his tea as he turned a page. "You're allowed to be freaked out."
"Hmm." Petra rummaged through the box they'd been sent. She touched something very soft, and pulled it out. "Ah. I wondered if I'd get to try these."
They were 'nylons' (she'd never remember all these ridiculous words.) She put her arm through one, astonished at the silken feel. Levi stared hungrily.
"Those're for your legs?"
"I might go try them on now." She left the table and went upstairs, undressing to her underwear. She hopped around trying to get her foot into the stocking, but eventually she managed it. She slid it up her leg, over her knee, and halfway up her thigh. When she let go, it drooped a bit. Petra remembered seeing 'garters' in the magazine. She needed those.
The nylons shimmered on her legs. She stood on her toes, imagining wearing the heeled shoes Kiyomi would send. She didn't like feeling too puffed up. She liked being casual. Petra took off her bra and slid out of her underwear. She stood naked in front of the mirror, wearing only the stockings. She could bring nothing from Paradis with her. No clothing, no books, no drawings of Kuchel. She had to be someone else entirely.
She looked in the mirror and tried to imagine herself as Petra Smith.
She jumped when Levi's reflection appeared behind her. The look in his eyes was pure hunger. He wrapped his arms around her. They both stared at her naked reflection.
"Kuchel's taking a nap. I put her in her room," he whispered. Petra closed her eyes as he caressed her breasts. "No. Keep watching. I want you to watch."
He undid his pants. Petra watched her expression when he slid into her, as he thrust. Levi watched as he fucked her. Petra didn't feel like herself now. She was dressed wrong. She felt like someone new.
She liked it. Closing her eyes, she imagined that she was really Erwin's wife; that she and Levi were snatching a moment for a quick fuck. A secret affair.
She came fast, which both surprised and pleased him. He threw her onto the bed and got naked himself. They fucked three times before they were done. The nylons stayed on for all of it.
Brigitta brought a cake from the kitchen, placing it on the dining room table before Kuchel. The one-year-old was on her father's lap at the head of the table, the guest of honor. Levi hoisted her up so that she could see her cake, a vanilla buttercream. It was clearly a shop cake, a real extravagance.
"You shouldn't have," Petra whispered to Brigitta. The family was gathered around the table—Brigitta, Edvard, Papa and Mama. Even Willem had come to Trost to meet his niece and try to make peace with Levi. The two men kept glaring at one another, but so far no blood had spilled. Progress. "That had to be expensive."
"Edvard and I wanted to. We love spoiling Kuchel." Brigitta beamed at her little niece, who tried sticking her hand into the cake. Levi lifted her up high, growling at her to keep her dress clean.
"Now don't you grow up too fast." Papa took Kuchel and bounced her in his arms. "You stay this size forever."
"Well, Levi's her dad. It's possible," Willem said. Levi pushed his chair back, and Willem practically threw himself behind his mother for protection. Petra's husband smirked; Willem probably wouldn't be making any more comments like that today. Levi flipped him off, then went to the kitchen. The kettle was singing. Everyone else could have cake; he'd take tea.
"Should we cut the cake now?" Brigitta asked.
"Oh, can we wait just a minute? Mikasa, Levi's cousin, should be coming. And Eren, her, our friend." Petra tried not to seem discomfited at Eren's name. Levi didn't know the weird shit the boy had said to her a couple times now. Petra wanted these next few months to be easy. They might be the last she and Levi ever spent with their daughter or friends. The idea made her grip the edge of the table to steady herself. "Also, the Supreme Commander might come."
Ingrid nearly fainted on the spot. Petra struggled not to laugh.
"He really is the most devastatingly…intelligent man," her mother said. Erwin's intelligence likely wasn't the reason her mother was turning red. Ingrid heaved a sigh. "Though I saw him in the paper with that woman." Ingrid sniffed. Petra rolled her eyes.
"Marie has a name."
The Paradisian Post, as it'd been rebranded up in Stohess, had a society and gossip section for Wall Sina. When Petra was little, her mother had spent endless hours talking across the clothesline with other housewives, discussing Lady this or Lord that. Though Erwin lived in Wall Rose, his status as Supreme Commander meant his life and doings were hot fodder for the society pages. When he'd started living with a married woman, one who'd abandoned three young children for him, the gossip mill had gone into overdrive.
"Well. I read that he brought her to the opera and sat in the Queen's box." Ingrid sounded indignant at the depravity of two people watching a play together.
Yes, Erwin had to go to Wall Sina often to play the upper classes and show support for the queen. Petra had seen that article, too. Someone drew a sketch of Marie sitting alongside him. She'd looked very pretty, Petra thought.
"Oi." Levi returned with his cup of tea. He set the saucer down on the table, and sipped. "Think it'd be good to remember Erwin's saving our island and our…lives." Meant to say asses. Levi glowered at Ingrid. "We shouldn't give a sh—care."
He clearly wanted to slip in a swear word. But he was doing better when Kuchel was around. Petra dropped a kiss on his cheek in gratitude.
There was a knock at the door. Brigitta hurried off to answer it, while Edvard went into the other room and came out with a brightly wrapped present. He set it on the table amongst the family's other offerings. It was the largest and shiniest of all.
"Oi, Edvard. You really don't have to spoil her like that." Levi sounded abashed. Edvard took a turn holding Kuchel, showing the girl her presents.
"Gitta's right. We love seeing her smile." He beamed as the little girl clapped her hands and laughed.
Petra turned her eyes down. Edvard and Brigitta had been married two years now, and she'd still never gotten pregnant. The doctors had stopped telling Brigitta to eat three eggs a day or sit with her legs elevated to let the blood run to the center of her body. They were starting to suggest that some things just weren't meant to be.
Mikasa came into the dining room, Brigitta tailing them. The girl was out of uniform today, first time in a while. Mikasa wore a cranberry sweater and long gray skirt. The girl had a quiet dignity about her at all times. Petra's family was clearly impressed.
"This is Mikasa, Levi's cousin." Petra ushered the girl forward. Mikasa smiled politely to everyone, then brought over a small packet to Kuchel. Edvard set her feet down on the table; she was almost standing on her own now. Kuchel blew a raspberry and giggled when Mikasa kissed her cheek.
"Eren's not coming?" Levi asked.
"He's not feeling well. Sorry." Mikasa held Kuchel and looked apologetic.
"It's fine," Petra said. Truthfully, it was a relief.
"Well." Brigitta clapped her hands. "Maybe we should cut the—"
Another knock cut Brigitta off. Levi put the tea down and went to open the door, even though it wasn't his house. Well. At this point, it could only be Erwin.
"It's so nice of the Supreme Commander to come to such a simple birthday party," Ingrid said. She was not so subtly pinching her cheeks to add color. Petra and Brigitta rolled their eyes at each other. Mikasa just kept swaying back and forth, smiling serenely as Kuchel tugged at her scarf—that girl really always wore it, didn't she.
"Oh, I don't want you to be a year old." Ingrid tutted over Kuchel, stroking the child's ever-growing black hair. "Petra, you should have another."
"Now's really a bad time, Mama."
"Well, don't wait too long. I want to be a grandma a second time."
The air seemed to freeze. To be fair, Ingrid hadn't been consciously cruel, but Brigitta gripped the back of a dining room chair. Her face was pale, her eyes filling with tears. The implication had been clear: only Petra could make Ingrid a grandmother again.
"Gitta," Edvard said. He looked pale as well. Ingrid, to her credit, tried to fix what she'd done.
"Of course, Brigitta could beat you to it. Hah."
Petra shut her eyes. Ingrid was careless, but getting angry at her right now would solve nothing. The atmosphere felt grim, like a bomb was about to go off under the table.
Levi strode into the dining room, followed by Erwin and Marie. Marie had a gift under her arm.
"Guess we gotta let this asshole in." Levi jerked his thumb at Erwin, then picked up his tea before grimacing. "Fuck, I swore again."
Petra ignored her husband and the increasing tension in the room. She smiled at Erwin. "Thank you for coming, sir."
"Please. Thank you for the invitation." Erwin beamed. "To be at a family gathering like this is a huge honor."
The commander wore a simple dark suit and collared shirt, tasteful yet subdued. Marie wore a light pink dress, and offered Petra the gift with a smile.
"May I see her?" She looked at Kuchel.
"Oh. Of course." Petra just kept smiling, trying to make small talk while Brigitta quietly imploded next to her. She shuffled over to stand next to her husband. "Can you take over? I need to get Brigitta out of here."
"Hmm?" He'd been so absorbed in his tea he hadn't noticed anything amiss. When Levi zeroed in on Brigitta, though, he instantly saw how wan and tightly wound she looked. "Ah. Shi—sure, yeah. Oi. Erwin." He spoke louder than he normally would. "Hope you aren't gonna draft my daughter into the military as a present."
Erwin chuckled as Marie took Kuchel from Mikasa. The blonde woman said many exaggerated 'hellos' to Kuchel while the baby sucked her thumb. "Not to worry. She'll be getting her recruitment papers next year."
"Oh, she's the sweetest." Marie beamed. "She has such pretty dark hair. All I can think of now is my daughter Senta when she was this age—"
Petra had tried putting an arm around Brigitta to take her away, but Marie's reference to her own child must have been the final weight that shattered Brigitta's façade. Her face screwed up. She gave a short scream, frightening everyone at the table. Then, without saying another word, she ran sobbing into the kitchen. They all heard the back door slam.
The room was dead silent. Kuchel made some confused noises, then said, "Uh BAH! Uh BAH!"
Her first word. Sort of.
"Why don't you all open presents without me? I'll be back," Petra said, leaving the guests and racing after her sister.
She found Brigitta on the stoop out back, right on the edge of their little garden. Brigitta had her face in her hands and was sobbing. It was the full-throated sobbing you almost never did after you grew up. Petra sat next to her sister and put an arm around her. Brigitta tensed, but accepted it. Petra rocked her back and forth.
"I'm so sorry. Just let it all out. It's okay," she whispered. She rubbed her sister's back. After a few minutes, the worst of the crying was over. Brigitta blew her nose, wiped her eyes.
"I ruined the party." She sobbed.
"You did no such thing. Kuchel's having a great time."
"Your commander probably thinks I'm—"
"Erwin is a smart man. He'll know you had a reason." Petra kissed the top of Brigitta's head. When they were little girls, Petra had been the crier. She'd scab her knee, fall off a roof, yell at Oruo, and afterwards Brigitta would always comfort her while she sobbed into her pillow. Taking care of her younger sister like this was new.
"I can't have a baby." Brigitta's voice was lifeless.
"You don't know that."
"It's my fault."
"How do you know? If you're having trouble, it could be Edvard."
Brigitta blushed. "We know it can't be. When he was a teenager, he, um…got a girl pregnant." Wow. Petra wouldn't say it aloud, but it was strange to imagine Edvard having the smoothness to get anyone in bed—and he was married to her sister. "She didn't keep it." Her chin wobbled. "Now I wish she had because then at least he'd be able to be a father." The last word got lost in more sobbing. Petra held her tight. "What's the point of me now?"
Petra felt a flash of anger. "You're a great wife, sister, and daughter. You make the world a better place just by being here. You don't have to give birth for your existence to have a point."
Brigitta sniffed. "Thank you. Really. But…imagine if all you wanted was to be a soldier, and you failed out. Or if all you wanted was Levi, and he didn't love you back. What would you do?"
Petra sighed. "I'd hurt for a while. I would. But then I'd look for something else to do."
"But there isn't anything else I want to do!" Brigitta howled. She cried again. After a few minutes, when she was calm, she continued. "I clean the house and cook for Edvard and…and he's so sweet and understanding. He told me I shouldn't ever blame myself. He said he's happy just with me." Her eyes squeezed shut. "And what I couldn't tell him was that I can't be happy just with him! This is what I want, Petra. It's the only thing I ever wanted."
It was true. Brigitta had nursed all of her dolls when she was little. When Petra had wanted to learn how to ride a horse, or fight with swords, Brigitta had loved playing 'mommy' to the neighbors' babies.
"Maybe it's stress? You're so upset that it's not working that it makes it…not work."
Brigitta shook her head. "It's been two years. I've been relaxed. I've taken all kinds of herbs. I've done all sorts of exercises. It just won't happen, and I don't know why. I'd be good at it!" She was crying again. "Why can't I do it when all sorts of horrible people can? It's not fair!"
"No. It's not." Life wasn't fair, but that was a pointless thing to say. Petra rubbed her sister's back, thought. Brooded. Who knew what exactly was wrong with her sister? What if the problem was that something inside of her was…blocked? Petra didn't know medical terms, but she could imagine it. Maybe something that could be fixed. She didn't know what she was talking about. She…
Marley.
Her eyes widened. The Marleyan continent was a hundred years more advanced than Paradis. Maybe there was a doctor there who could answer a few questions. She'd have to be careful about not giving herself away, but maybe…
"I have to tell you something." Petra took her sister's hands. "Levi and I are…going somewhere. In about three months."
"Huh?"
"I can't go into detail, but it's a mission. And when I'm on that mission, I might be in a position to find some, uh, new ideas. Maybe something no one else has thought about yet. Something that could help you."
Brigitta stared. "Pet. What are you saying?"
Ugh, why couldn't she tell? "I can't explain more. But it's sort of an educational mission. I could try to learn things that would help you. Paradis is behind the rest of the world. Maybe someone else has the answer."
Brigitta bit her lip. "Do you think?"
"Yes! So just hold on, okay? It's not over yet." She could have told Brigitta about adoption, told her to make her peace, but Petra couldn't do that. This was what her sister wanted. Petra would give it to her if it took everything she had. That was how she loved—completely, and fiercely.
Brigitta sniffed. Then, finally, a smile returned to her lips. It was a sunburst through a gray, cloudy sky. Even a little bit of hope was enough to keep people going.
They were all slaves to something.
Levi told her those had been some of Kenny's final words. Uncomfortable, but they struck a chord.
"Okay. Thank you." She wiped her cheeks again; they were red, puffed. Blotchy. "Ugh, I look like a mess."
"Go clean up. Oh, Brigitta?" Petra stopped her sister from going inside. "Levi and I are going to be gone at least two weeks." She didn't want to say 'we might never return.' "Can Kuchel stay with you?"
Brigitta lit up. "Yes! Of course. We love having her."
Good. Having a baby around would give her sister some relief.
"If…this won't happen, but if Levi and I ever…if we never came back one day, would you and Edvard…?"
"Of course we would." Brigitta understood. "We'd raise her like our own."
Petra sighed. "Thanks."
It was some relief. Both of them were a little less burdened now. Brigitta went inside to wash up, and Petra returned to the dining room. She smoothed back her hair, and reapplied her smile.
"Sorry! Okay, where were we? Time for—"
Petra walked into total chaos.
Willem was sprawled on the floor. His arms flailed, his face constricted in terror. Levi had his boot on her brother's chest.
"You say 'bastard son of a whore' like it's a bad thing. Tch. I oughta get some soap to wash out your filthy mouth."
Her parents were frantically arguing at one another in the corner of the dining room. Both of them were red-faced, and her father was making some enormous gesture with his arms.
There was smoke. Edvard was stomping on something that had caught fire.
Marie and Mikasa sat side by side at the table. Marie looked dizzy; Mikasa continued to sit serenely.
"Where's Kuchel?" Petra didn't see her daughter.
"Erwin took her into the parlor. She started crying, and he was the only one who could calm her." Marie put her elbow on the table and massaged her forehead. "I don't suppose you have any wine?"
"We have tea." Petra sighed.
"Some of the cake is still good," Mikasa said. Petra looked. Half of it was mashed up. Like someone had faceplanted in it.
Yes. Yes, Willem's forehead was covered in vanilla buttercream.
"Do I want to know how this happened?" Petra asked calmly. Neither of the two women responded. "All right." She walked out of the dining room, past her husband and fallen brother. "We are going to talk later," she muttered. Levi just shrugged.
"Not my fault your brother's a bitch." He stepped harder; Willem squealed.
Petra found Erwin seated with Kuchel on his knee. Her baby looked quite small next to the large man. Erwin had a children's book open, and was reading to Kuchel. His deep voice rumbled pleasantly. Petra stopped in the doorway and watched them. Kuchel kept sucking her thumb and gazing at the Supreme Commander with fascination. Petra smiled, but paused when she heard what Erwin was reading.
"'Helos was a beautiful man, with scarlet breeches and a crimson tailcoat. His hat bore a great red feather. Helos carried his golden spear when he went to battle the Devil of All Earth. The Devil had conquered the world, and now it would take a hero to save it."
"Is that a Marleyan book?" Petra walked over to them. Erwin looked up, smiled. Kuchel waved at her mother, and Petra collected the child. Erwin flipped the book closed, and offered it for inspection. The Story of Helos, the Man Who Saved the World. Petra looked at the illustrations. They were beautifully done. The Eldians, though, looked like grotesque, hunched over creatures with malicious grins. "This is an odd gift for an Eldian baby."
"We also gave her A Child's Storybook. Marie read it to her girls when they were young." Erwin leaned back in his seat. "So. This has been a lively afternoon."
"Sorry." Petra winced. "I should have known not to put my brother and Levi in the same room."
"On the contrary. It was very entertaining." Erwin chuckled. "Though I'm sorry for the stress. And your cake."
"My sister and her husband don't mind."
He frowned. "Is your sister all right?"
"She's been having problems." Petra looked at Kuchel, who was busy blowing a saliva bubble. Levi would pitch a fit, but Petra didn't mind that much. Kids were gross. "Do…do you think there would be any Marleyan doctors who specialize in…women's issues?"
"Such as childbearing?"
She sighed. "Yes."
"I wondered if that might have triggered your sister's reaction." He stood. "Petra. You have to remember that our mission must remain focused on—"
"I know that. But she's in so much pain."
Erwin sighed. He appeared genuinely sad. "It's a funny thing, isn't it? Children. Legacies." He held out his finger, which Kuchel happily accepted. She beamed at Erwin.
"She really loves you." Petra smiled.
"I'm glad." Erwin bowed his head. "I was almost thirty-nine before I felt the need to have a child. Before that, I thought that the basement would be the only legacy I'd need. I liked children, but I only feared leaving them fatherless. A wife widowed. The sacrifice of a family was fair, I thought, for the life I wanted. But then we get older. We see what the first forty years have been; we wonder what the next forty will bring. And it seems like such a long time to have…nothing." He gave a dry laugh. "Lucky me. I only have eleven years left in my sentence."
"Don't say that," Petra snapped. Erwin looked surprised. She glared at him. "Levi's killing himself with guilt over…over the choice he made. You saying things like that will only hurt him worse."
Erwin appeared chastened. "I'm sorry. You're right. I meant to say that you often don't know what you truly want until it's already too late. I'm the Supreme Commander of our island nation; I have the powers of a god; they say my name will be recorded in Eldian history until the world itself crumbles into dust." He sighed. "I spent thirty-eight years trying to reach that basement. And when I finally did, I realized that I would rather have been a teacher like my father. Or a commander of the Military Police, with a house and a wife and children. All of my youth was wasted."
"You didn't waste it." Petra felt shocked. "You're the reason we found out about Marley. You're the only reason we're going to survive. If you hadn't done what you did you'd have a wife and kids now, but you'd see them crushed by the outside world in a year or two. So it was worth it."
Erwin gazed at her. There wasn't any lust in his glance. Rather, there was something unspeakably gentle.
"How do you do it?" he murmured.
"Do what?"
"Endure everything you've endured and still be so…" He didn't finish the sentence. Maybe there was no perfect word for what he was thinking.
"Oi." Levi startled Petra. The man could creep up behind you so damn quietly. "Everyone's calm now. You can come back in." He reached for Kuchel, but Petra turned their daughter away.
"Did you start the fight with Willem?"
"No. And I didn't mean to push his face in the cake; I was trying to slam his head on the table, but he shifted. Also, I didn't start the fire." Levi scowled, like that ought to vindicate him. "Erwin can tell you."
"Yes. I'm sure the rug is only singed," the commander said. He sounded weary.
Petra sighed. "Well then. Happy birthday."
She kissed Kuchel's cheek. The baby had already fallen asleep.
Erwin toyed with dinner; he wasn't particularly hungry. He was sitting with Marie in their dining room, a small, cozy nook off the kitchen. It had a beautiful sunset view, of a kind. The streets of Trost were fire in the late afternoon. The windows shimmered, portals of light.
Late summer. August. Tomorrow, they would ride down to the southernmost point, where Kiyomi's ship would be waiting. The port was finished. It would be easy for them to board, and set sail for Hizuru first. Then Marley.
Marie was unusually quiet. She hadn't touched a thing.
"You should eat, sweetheart."
"I can't." She drank wine, though. Her hand trembled. "You'll come back." She said it as a demand, not a question.
"I have every intention. But if something goes wrong—"
"No." She slammed her glass on the table. Tears stood in her eyes.
"Marie. If I don't come back, there are plans in place. Hange will succeed me. I've made arrangements for you, so you won't have to worry about anything."
"Stop talking!" She got up from the table and all but ran away. Erwin sighed. He had always loved her passion and temper, but at times like this he wished she were a bit more sanguine. He followed her into the parlor. She stood beside the pianoforte, shaking as she hid her face from him. She was crying. She had painted the walls a gentle green—sea foam, she called it, after her visit to the shore. His books were lined up neatly in a case; her easel stood by the window. Before it, a small round table held a blue bowl with two plums. The plums were starting to shrivel. Once again, she painted fruit rather than ate it.
Erwin simply took her in his arms. She pressed her face to his chest and sobbed. He stroked her hair, feeling touched by her love. A bit irritated, too. This was his last night. Maybe their last night ever.
But this was the woman he'd fallen in love with. For good or ill, in moments of joy and sorrow, she was his. He kissed her forehead.
"I'm coming back." He couldn't promise it, but for her he'd sweeten the truth.
"I can't lose you. I only got you back," she whispered.
"If I die, are you afraid of being destitute?" Nile would not take her back. "I told you, I've made provision for you."
"It's not that!" She gripped his shoulders. "I dreamed of being with you for decades. If I lose you in less than a year…" She couldn't go on.
His mind strayed to Levi and Petra. He could imagine their shared quiet tonight. Levi's stoicism, Petra's gentle pragmatism. Sometimes, he yearned for a more subdued life. He enjoyed feeling twenty years younger when he and Marie made love, but when it came to their emotions he wished they could both be properly middle aged.
Don't be a cunt.
He held her tenderly. He soothed her, kissed her cheek.
"I would rather have you for ten months than live a lifetime without this." He meant it. Marie sighed, and her tears stopped. She kissed him. "But I am coming back."
She sniffed. She smiled. "You'd better."
Then she took him by the hand and brought him upstairs. The dinner remained untouched.
Levi sat at the dining room table. Petra had Kuchel on her lap, and was reading one of the stories from that book Erwin'd gotten for the girl's birthday. Levi couldn't follow it, something about a frog and a prince. Or the frog was the prince. Either way.
Kuchel yawned. She was drooping; it was already nine.
"I don't want to put her to bed." Petra hugged her daughter. "I just want to sit like this forever."
"We'll come back." He said it like a rehearsed line, because he had to give her some assurance even if it was wishful thinking. He didn't know. You couldn't know what your choices would yield. Just make the choice. Live with it. No regrets. But try telling that to a woman with an infant daughter that she might never see again.
Petra rocked back and forth, lavishing kisses on the baby. Barely a baby now. Kuchel was fifteen months old. She'd taken her first steps a few days ago.
A toddler. Yeah.
At least he'd been there for her first steps. Not her first word, though. Uh-BAH was still the best she had.
"Here." Petra offered Levi a drowsing Kuchel. "You take a turn."
He poured himself some more tea instead.
"Tch. Don't wanna spoil her." He sipped. After all, even if he never saw Kuchel again, he'd only known her fifteen months. He'd lost his own mother young, and he hadn't had Kuchel's breaks. Brigitta and Edvard would spoil her rotten if Levi never came home. No worries there. No use fawning over the kid, crying.
"I think you might regret it if you don't spend a little extra time with her," Petra said softly.
"Huh." He just kept staring at the wall. There was a crack in the plaster. Shitty dump. "Told you, Ral. I have no regrets. Really."
He pushed away from the table. Didn't look back.
He lay in bed and listened to Petra tuck Kuchel in. He heard a lullaby from Kuchel's room, lots of sleepy giggles. Kisses. Petra shut the baby's door and came to bed. She slid in beside him, and stared.
"What, Petra? I'm trying to sleep."
"You should kiss her good night."
"I've kissed her good night a hundred times." Levi rolled on his side, away from his wife. "She won't miss it if I go away. If I never came back, she wouldn't even remember me."
"Levi." She sounded quietly shocked. "You can't be afraid of—"
"I'm not fucking afraid." His words were soft, but landed like a slap. "Go to sleep."
Maybe he'd wanted to make love to her again, just in case they never got the chance after this. But fuck it. His appetite was gone. He put out the candle and lay in the darkness. It took a long while before he heard her fall asleep. He thought about getting out of bed and checking on Kuchel…but fuck it. Kid was spoiled enough.
He hadn't been able to say a real goodbye to his own mother, after all. She'd just sort of lain in bed until her breath stopped. He'd woken up one day next to her corpse. Shaken her for several minutes until he realized she was sleeping for good. He'd screamed his head off, but no one had come.
See? Kuchel had it easy.
Levi hated emotional goodbyes.
"Are you ready?" Erwin arrived outside of Edvard and Brigitta's. Levi and Petra's horses were saddled and waiting. They didn't have any luggage; Kiyomi was providing everything. They had to be completely free of Paradis. "I'd like to be at the campsite before the ship arrives."
Petra was on her knees, kissing and hugging Kuchel. Brigitta stood behind the little girl, beaming down at her. Yeah. Nice for Brigitta to have time with the kid. Do her good.
Hey, if he and Petra didn't come back, that'd be good for Brigitta, too. No harm done. Nothing lost.
"Oi. Petra. Let's go." Levi crossed his arms. His wife finally finished adoring the girl and stood. She wiped a few quick tears away. Tch. Softie.
"Levi. Do you want to say goodbye?" Brigitta asked.
He looked down at Kuchel. She was standing on her feet now, wavering only slightly. They'd dressed her in a little blue smock, and Brigitta had tied a bow in her hair. Kuchel looked up with his face and eyes. She grinned and waved at him. Bye bye.
"Oi. Brat. Be good." He nodded once. Then he turned his back.
"Levi? You don't want to—" Petra began, but he cut her off.
"Let's go. Long way to the port."
Petra shared a glance with her sister, but she said nothing. She went to mount her horse while Levi started walking away.
"Uh BAH. Uh BAH." Kuchel's voice pitched higher and higher. "Puh PAH. Puh PAH."
Papa.
Petra, seated on her horse, looked blank with amazement.
"Was that her first—?"
Levi stopped.
Levi turned around.
Levi gathered Kuchel in his arms and held her tight. He stared over her shoulder, practically boring a hole in Brigitta's door with his gaze. No tears. He would not fucking cry. He ferociously kissed her cheek again and again.
"I love you," he whispered in her ear.
"Puh PAH." She giggled. He hugged her, wouldn't let her go. Finally, he handed her off to Brigitta.
"Take care of her," he muttered. Wouldn't look the woman in the eye.
"Always."
He nodded, then mounted his horse. As Erwin led them away, Levi looked back just once. Kuchel waved frantically. She didn't realize how long he'd be gone. That he might never come back.
He raised his hand to her. And he made himself a promise.
He didn't care what he had to do, or who he had to kill. He was going to come back.
If he did that, he'd have no regrets.