Answered Prayers

by slingzarrowz

Levi and Petra are in love and together. They are finally, perfectly happy. But as the world around them falls to madness, their love will change not only their own destinies, but the course of history as well. Rivetra.

28. Chapter 28

She didn't want to be here. She didn't want to be anywhere anymore, but especially not here. Petra got out of the car and stood before the steps to her house. The two windows on the second floor seemed to stare at her like accusing eyes. He's gone.

It's your fault.

She began to tremble. Petra had woken up strapped down and flying. A larger plane of Kiyomi's was taking them back to Paradis. No time for a cruise that lasted several days; Erwin needed to meet with his council as soon as possible. And Petra needed to see her…

She'd started shouting on the plane, screaming that they had to turn around and go back for Levi. It had taken Hange several minutes of sitting beside her and openly weeping before Petra had begun to sink back into despair.

'He's gone, Petra. He's gone.' Hange repeated it over and over, tears from her one eye sliding down her cheek. When Petra broke down again, Hange told the doctor (they'd brought one onboard specifically for Petra) that he didn't need to inject her again. She'd be okay this time. Just let her cry.

Yes. She had to be calm for her baby.

Petra had already suffered one miscarriage due to stress. She wanted Levi's last child to be born into this world.

For that reason alone, she quieted. They unstrapped her and let her sit in a seat, staring blankly out a window.

She laid her hand upon her stomach. Little Oruo.

It wasn't going to be named Armin. She wanted to tear Eren Jaeger to pieces. Two children in one year. How was she supposed to do that with her husband dead?

I was an idiot. I let myself believe he was some kind of mystical being.

Her fault. All her fault.

If she just hadn't come on the trip, there would have been enough room for Levi on that plane. He'd be alive and coming home to her and Kuchel. Now, Petra had to see her daughter alone.

"Are you all right?" Erwin stood beside her, hat in hand. They were both dressed in their military duds. Erwin wanted to appear a commanding officer today. A man who had lost a soldier.

"I'm okay." Petra wasn't, but climbed the stairs and knocked on the door. It flung open a second later. Papa looked at her, tears in his eyes.

"Pet," he whispered. Erwin had telephoned ahead to let the grandparents know what to expect. They hadn't told Kuchel. They agreed that was the mother's job.

"Daddy." She fell against him, let him hug her. She fought against the tears. No. Not before Kuchel. She had to be strong for her daughter.

"Mama!"

Petra's father led her inside. Kuchel came merrily bouncing to meet her. Ingrid, meanwhile, stood by her husband's side and looked stricken. Petra picked up her daughter as Kuchel ran to her. She held the child tight in her arms. Kuchel smelled of that particular honeysuckle soap Levi bought, the gentle one for sensitive skin. Petra's eyes watered.

"My precious little girl. My angel. I missed you." She kissed her daughter's cheek over and over.

"Love you, Mama." Kuchel gave light baby kisses back. Petra hugged her tight, so tight. Just let her live in this moment a while longer. Just let Kuchel be happy for a minute more.

"Mr. and Mrs. Ral?" Erwin spoke quietly with her parents while Petra carried Kuchel away. She took her into the living room, sat them on the sofa. Kuchel looked around.

"Where's Papa?"

Be calm. Petra had rehearsed this speech over and over. Her heart was beating much too fast.

"Baby, listen." Kuchel stood on the couch and looked at her mother, her blue-gray eyes piercingly quizzical, her shapely little mouth pursed in confusion. She looked so like Levi in that moment that Petra's heart broke all over again. She kissed Kuchel's nose. "Do you remember what we told you about Grandma Kuchel?"

"Papa's Mama? Mmhmmm." Kuchel tugged at her skirt. "Um, you said she went up to where the good people live forever. In pardice."

"Paradise, yes. And you remember how we told you it was a wonderful, happy place, and how Grandma was always watching over us?"

"Mmhmmm."

Petra's chin quivered. She smiled and stroked Kuchel's hair.

"Well that's where Papa went. He went to stay with Grandma up in Paradise, where he can be happy and watch over us."

Kuchel frowned. She squinted.

"Okay. When he comin' home?"

Petra could not cry. She could not. She took a shaky breath.

"He's not coming home, sweetheart. When people go to Paradise, they don't come back."

Kuchel's frown deepened. A kind of incredulous anger sparked in her eyes. So, so like Levi.

"But I want him to come back."

"Me too. I want him to come back more than anything."

"Then why don' he?"

"Because it just…" She had expected Kuchel to start crying by now. She hadn't expected to see a three-year-old bundle of rage. "Because he can't. It's against the rules."

"I want him to come home!" Kuchel was starting to shout. Petra heard her parents stand in the doorway, hesitating on what to do.

"I do, too. But baby, he's always going to look out for us. For the rest of our lives, he's never going to leave us."

"But I can't see him! I wan see him!" Kuchel's voice was becoming shrill. Her face was growing red. Petra's nerves were so fragile at this point, and her headache was growing worse with every second. She almost wanted to scream in Kuchel's face 'you don't get everything you want! You have to deal with it!'

Of course she didn't. She tried hugging Kuchel, but the girl wiggled out of her arms.

"Kuchel, we're going to be okay. I'm never going to leave you. Sweetheart, please." She petted Kuchel's cheek. The girl was growing more frantic, more feral. "Papa wouldn't want you to be upset."

"No!" Kuchel's scream was so shrill, so piercing that Petra might've gone deaf. Kuchel leapt off the sofa and toddled away, moving so fast she slipped right past her grandparents and into the hall. "Papa? Papa?"

Petra wanted to die. Kuchel raced from room to room, growing more frantic. Her voice was starting to break.

"Papa? Papa, where you? Papa! Papa!"

Petra got to her knees and caught Kuchel, tried to hug her. Petra was crying now, and so was her daughter.

"I'm so sorry, baby. I'm sorry."

"No!" Kuchel kicked at her mother, screaming. She yanked Petra's hair until her eyes watered, and then her short little nails scratched Petra's cheek. She cried out in pain, and let Kuchel go. The little girl started stomping, jumping up and down on the floor, wailing and red-faced. "I wan him back! Bring him back!"

"Kuchel." Pieter scooped the child and carried her up the stairs to her room. The man shushed his granddaughter, but she was now sobbing. She kept kicking her legs futilely.

"I want my Papa!" Another shattering sob. "I want my Papa!"

The door to her room shut. The sobs were more muffled now. Petra was on her hands and knees on the floor, the tears dripping from the tip of her nose. She felt her mother's hands on her. She looked at Ingrid, and saw no tightness or reprimand. Ingrid was just crying.

"My poor baby." She held Petra close, and Petra cried against her mother.

Heavy footsteps approached them. Erwin looked down on Petra, his expression stricken.

"I'm so sorry. Petra. Mrs. Ral. I wish there was something I could do."

Petra sniffed. "I know. It's all right. We'll be…"

Well. Not fine. She didn't know if they'd be fine again. Upstairs, Kuchel was still wailing.

Erwin knelt beside them.

"I have to go to a meeting with the inner council. But I'd like to meet tonight to discuss the coming memorial." Yes. Levi was a hero of the nation. There'd need to be something. "Will you be home?"

"I'd like to take Petra and Kuchel to her sister's. You've been there before, Majesty?" Ingrid said.

"Yes. If you're not up for it tonight, it can wait."

"No. Tonight works. We'll need to be quiet, my sister's very pregnant. But we'll be in." Petra was grateful to Ingrid. She couldn't bear to be in this house a minute longer. Not the house where Levi had lifted her into his arms when she teased him about carrying her over the threshold. When he'd carried her in, kicked the door shut, and then carried her up the stairs to their room. She'd laughed about how swooningly romantic he was. He'd called her a brat and laid her on the bed, and then…

She couldn't be here. Too many memories.

"All right."

"Please come to dinner, Majesty." Ingrid stroked Petra's hair.

"Yes," Petra said. She felt distant from her own body.

"I shall. Again, Petra. I…"

He was so broken. His face seemed to have aged five years in a day. His eyes were red-rimmed, his voice cracked. Petra felt a surge of warmth for the king.

He had loved Levi. Whatever else Erwin Smith was or did, he had loved her husband dearly.

"Thank you," she said. Erwin nodded and left, closing the door behind him.

"Mama." Petra cried against her mother's shoulder. Ingrid merely stroked her hair.

Upstairs, Kuchel kept sobbing.

---

The driver did not even look at Erwin in the rearview mirror. They trundled along the increasingly busy and automobile-choked streets of Trost. Erwin had his face in his hands, jolting with every turn of the car.

"What's your name?" He looked down upon the smaller man, on his knees with his hands bound, his face wet and hair dripping from the puddle. Mike held onto this fierce little demon. He looked up at Erwin with the most astounding hatred. Erwin had never seen such aggression.

"Levi," the man growled.

He could not cry. Tears were not a luxury a king could afford. Especially not when that king had been betrayed.

Levi had taken Erwin's place on that boat. Levi had died for Erwin, even if he hadn't known he was doing it.

"I'm…going to…kill you!" Levi roared, his blade crossed with Erwin's. The rain had just finished pounding down; the world was wet and bloody around them. Erwin gazed once more into the man's steely eyes.

He knew this man could not be tamed. Levi had never been anyone's but his own.

He will be mine, Erwin thought. A wolf that would stay by his master's side.

Levi's family was dead. Erwin would see to it that the Survey Corps became his family now.

"I was such a fool," he whispered. He had thought he would own Levi, but it had become the most equal partnership of his life. An impossible combination, the tall and the short, the personable and the misanthropic, the man from Mitras's best families and the man from Mitras's underworld.

And more than that, Levi had been Erwin's superior in all the ways that truly mattered. A better man. A better soldier. Honest. Truly loving.

It should have been me. I should have died, Levi. I can never unhear that child's screams…

The car stopped outside the Trost barracks. Erwin gazed up at the second floor window where his council would be assembled.

There was no love in his heart now. After Kuchel and Petra, there was only rage.

He went to the room and found Nile and Pixis waiting. Rico was also there, her gaze flinty behind her owlish glasses. Hange sat at the table in a semi-fugue state. Anka stood behind Pixis, and watched Erwin with caution.

And they had a new addition to the party today.

"Thank you for coming, Zackley." Erwin nodded.

"Hmm. Your telegram was interesting." The older man sat at the table across from Hange. His beard had grown longer in 'retirement', but the shrewd, sharp look in his eye was the same as ever.

"Majesty. I don't think it's possible to say how sorry we are." Pixis had no usual quips or sly asides today. The man looked incredibly tired.

"I've just come from the widow and child. Save your sorrow for them." Erwin sat at the head of the table. His councilors took their seats. "Now then. Hybernia. They launched an attack on the Hizuran battleship undoubtedly believing that myself, Kiyomi, and Willy Tybur were aboard. They must have tampered with our original plane. The reason I am alive today is because Kiyomi had the foresight to keep additional transportation aboard."

"Clever woman," Pixis said. Erwin felt the man studying him.

"As it stands, only Levi Ackerman died," Nile said. He looked at the packet in front of him, containing all pertinent information. "I'm very sorry." Sounded like he meant it. "I'm sorry for Mrs. Ackerman and her child."

"We can't undo the past. We can't save Levi." Erwin glowered. "But we can see to it his death has meaning."

"What are you proposing?" Pixis looked from Zackley to Erwin. The man already suspected something. He was clever like that.

"The hyperfusion bomb," Zackley said. He gave a small grin.

"What?" Hange looked up, snapping to attention once more. "That's…insane. Erwin, if we detonated that it would kill tens of millions of people in an instant. More than that, the radioactive fallout wouldn't just blight the entire country of Hybernia. It…the fallout would push east into Aeropa. We can't—"

"We are not dropping the bomb," Erwin said. He looked at Zackley, who nodded. "At least, not with an entire ounce of the treated crystal."

"What are you saying, sir?" Rico gazed sharply at him.

"A gram of the crystal, when treated, produces a much smaller and more contained explosion but one that's still devastating. We produce two bombs, pick a northern and southern city in Hybernia. The losses will be smaller. Nine hundred thousand, say, immediately, with only one or two million more after—"

Hange slammed her hands on the table. She looked at Erwin like she was staring at a ghost. Or a demon.

"No." He'd never heard her voice clearer. "You told me that the bomb would never be used on civilians. Erwin, you said—"

"I think I understand." Pixis sounded mournful, and gave Erwin a truly withering look. But he nodded. "If after this attack you don't use some form of hyperfusion retaliation, the world will see that you'd never use it. Then they lose fear of the bomb and of us. The new world order is still too shaky to risk open rebellion."

"Besides." Zackley tugged his beard. "This necessitates action against Hybernia now. They have a good navy; we've had ample demonstration of that. A land attack will probably cost us tens of thousands more soldiers' lives. It'll weaken us. Whereas with two bombs, we take out millions of them and lose none of our own soldiers."

"Millions of civilians!" Hange shouted. She pushed away from the table. She looked at all of them like they'd grown several more heads. "They didn't do anything to us! There…there'd be children in there. Or elderly people. Or just normal, everyday people who never attacked us. Erwin, if you do this you'd be showing them that we're the monsters they think we are!"

"No. Using titans would make them think that. We should show them we're normal, everyday monsters now."

He had to look away. Hange's incredulous disgust hurt.

Rico kept frowning at the papers in front of her.

"The options are: we do nothing, and let the world know they can attack us without retribution; we retaliate 'fair', lose tens of thousands of our own people, and prove to the world we won't use the hyperfusion bomb; we drop two bombs, kill millions of civilians, but save all of our own soldiers, reestablish dominance, instill fear, and in the long run save more Hybernian civilian lives. We won't be invading their shores. More would die with a longer, slower attack." She looked at Erwin. She didn't like him, but she nodded. "I think it's clear which is the best option."

"This is why you brought in Zackley, isn't it?" Nile curled his lip at Erwin. "You knew he'd back your sick plan."

"Careful how you speak to a king, Nile." Zackley grinned, enjoying the chaos. Erwin wished he could push the man out a window. But Nile was right; Erwin needed Zackley.

"Tell me this isn't just about Levi." Hange looked ready to throw up. "He'd never let you do this."

"No. He wouldn't. But Levi isn't here now." Erwin's voice was acid. They'd taken Levi, and they thought Erwin would not bring down hell upon their heads? "And while Levi's death does factor into my thinking, it's not the only reason. Rico just laid it out better than I could have. If we want to safeguard the Alliance and the new world order, and if we want to protect Eldians and Paradisians specifically, we have to drop the smaller hyperfusion bombs."

"If you do this," Hange said calmly, "I'm resigning from the military. Effective immediately."

Erwin had two best friends. In forty-eight hours, he'd lost both of them.

"What will you do?" he asked.

"I'll find something. But I'll leave." Her lip trembled briefly. "You swore you'd never use it on people!"

"This isn't your fault, Hange." He spoke gently. "You're not the murderer here."

"I assume you'd like the council to vote on this," Pixis drawled. "Otherwise, this has been a very flashy presentation of the inevitable."

"I would like your opinions," Erwin said, looking around the table. "What are they?"

He started with Zackley, who grinned.

"Simple. I vote yes."

"I vote no," Hange barked.

"It wasn't your turn," Zackley wheedled. Erwin wanted to stab him.

"One yes. One no. Nile?"

The man stared long and hard at a spot on the wall. He closed his eyes.

"I understand the thinking. I do. But I can't sanction something like this. If we do this, we're no better than Marley ever was."

"Thank you. Rico?"

She shook her head. "I'll hate myself forever for doing this. But yes. We have to preserve the world. We have to save Paradis. This is the best way to do it."

"Two yes's, two no's." Anka and Pixis remained. "What do you both say?"

Anka looked drained of all energy. "Your strategy is absolutely correct," she said to Erwin. "I…" She warred with herself, then slumped. "I abstain."

She could not deliver the verdict she knew was logical; there was too much humanity left in her.

"One abstention. Pixis?"

The older man looked at Erwin with those twinkling, sharp blue eyes of his. Erwin had always respected Pixis, and he saw in that moment Pixis lose respect for him forever more.

"From this day forward, I don't want to hear anyone at this table ever decry the day Wall Maria fell as the work of monsters. Except for Hange." He looked gently at the scientist. "She's the only one with the strength of her convictions. I'm just sorry her genius was used like this."

"Your vote?" Erwin said crisply.

"Yes. Kill the children. Prove how superior you are to the rest of the human race." Pixis pushed back his chair. "Now if you don't mind, this old murderer is going home. Anka? If you're up for a game of chess, I could use the company."

Erwin hadn't dismissed them, but Anka walked out with Pixis. Hange shook her head continuously, looking at Erwin with growing rage.

"No," she said.

"I'll get in contact with Kiyomi to arrange everything. Her scientists can begin working on the smaller bombs; it shouldn't take more than a day. Then we schedule the drop for—"

Hange slammed her fists on the table. Nile startled. Zackley sneered. Rico watched blankly, and Erwin looked on his oldest friend with a weary heart.

"I'll never forgive you for this." She spoke calmly, but he saw the pain in her eye. "Neither will Levi."

"Levi is dead." Erwin nearly snapped his pencil in half. "Whatever I have to do to protect his people, to protect his wife and child, I will do. And when I die and am alone in hell, I'll think of you both fondly." He turned back at his papers. "Goodbye, Hange."

Zackley chuckled; must have thought it a good line. Hange wavered there, and Erwin wondered if she'd attack him. Instead, she let out a strangled cry and fled the room, slamming the door behind her. Erwin was left with Nile, Rico, and Zackley.

Nile got up as well.

"I used to think you were the greatest man I ever knew." He said it mournfully.

"Now, now. Don't be a sore loser. His Majesty will say hello to your wife for you, Nile." Zackley gave another laugh, clearly enjoying himself.

Erwin looked up in cold fury.

"Thank you for your help, Darius. Now go back to tinkering with your obscene toys and let the relevant people rule the nation," he snarled. Zackley shrank. He sneered at Erwin.

"You're already planting the seeds of your own destruction, you bastard." He said it coolly.

"I don't even have ten years left on this godforsaken planet. Nothing's stopped me yet. Now get. Out."

Zackley left the room. Rico, still inscrutable, followed. That left Erwin and Nile. He could not meet Nile's eyes.

"I was so happy when you came back from Shiganshina. Now I wish that Armin boy had been revived instead."

Erwin gave a short, mirthless laugh. "You're not alone in thinking that, my friend. Unfortunately, the man who made that call is now gone." He turned a page. "I'm sure he'd agree with you."

---

Dinner was a silent affair. Kuchel had cried herself to sleep, and was tucked upstairs with Brigitta, who was bedbound until the baby came in a few weeks. Edvard was being incredibly kind, and Petra appreciated that he didn't try to force chatter or tell her profusely how sorry he was. Her parents barely ate. Erwin stared at his untouched food.

"I wanted to ask if you were up for something," he said quietly. "I want to go to Mitras tomorrow. The day after, I plan to have a memorial ceremony in Levi's honor. I'm commissioning a statue of him in the fountain square."

"Thank you. That's very…" Her throat closed up. She focused on the potatoes.

"I'd like you and Kuchel to accompany me. You could bring your mother, if you like. Stay in the Ackerman apartment. Or your house. Whatever would be easy, but if you think you can't go just yet…"

"Mama?" Petra looked at her mother. "Could you come for the service? And to help with Kuchel?"

Her mother's eyes were bright with tears. Ingrid nodded. Funny; she seemed to genuinely mourn Levi's death. How things changed.

Levi's death…

Petra began to silently spiral.

"We can take whatever train you'd like."

"Early, if it's okay." Her voice was rough. "I want to get out of this city." Her chin wobbled; she forced herself not to cry. "I can't be where we were—"

She choked back a sob. She just kept eating, the only one with an appetite. The only one who could not cry no matter what.

She saw Erwin to the door after dinner. He was heading for his car when she blurted it out.

"It's my fault."

"What? No." He seemed shocked.

"If I hadn't gone to Kawani, there'd have been room on the plane for him. It's my fault. It's my—" She put her hands over her face so he couldn't see her cry.

"If I had only stayed on the boat, he'd be with you today." Erwin sounded quiet but firm. "If I hadn't dragged him along on some idiot diplomatic mission like a fucking good luck charm, this wouldn't have happened."

"It's not your fault." She shivered.

"Then it isn't yours, either." He came up the steps and put his hands on her shoulders. "Petra. I promised Levi once that I'd look after you and Kuchel if anything happened to him."

"I don't need looking after. I can take care of us both."

"I know that." He was gentle. "Only know that you don't always have to be strong."

He walked to his car then, and Petra went upstairs. Edvard was sleeping in a guest room while Brigitta was pregnant. Her younger sister needed rest, but she'd insisted on snuggling with Kuchel. Petra's daughter whimpered in her sleep while her aunt rubbed her back. Petra sat on the bed.

"We're having a memorial service for Levi the day after tomorrow." Her voice was bleached and lifeless. Brigitta took her hand.

"I'm so sorry." Her wide blue eyes shimmered with tears. It made Petra mad, all this 'I'm sorry'ing. Sorry did nothing. It gave her no comfort.

"You know, I lost so many comrades. I lost Oruo…" She choked on another sob. "I saw how the deaths devastated their families, but I never knew what it'd be like until now. I wish it'd been me."

"No. Stop that."

"Kuchel loves Levi more than me. She'd get over my death more quickly." The words were bitter on her tongue, but she spoke them.

"Kuchel loves you both. She's grieving. She's only a little girl."

Petra looked at her daughter. Kuchel's cream-and-rose complexion was Levi's; her black hair was Levi's. Petra touched her stomach. Would this one be like Levi, too?

"I think I'm pregnant again," she whispered. Brigitta gasped.

"How do you know?"

"I feel it. I felt it with Kuchel." She squeezed her stomach. "I wanted Levi to meet his baby."

"It'll be good for you and Kuchel." Brigitta was trying to make it positive already. "You'll have one more piece of him."

"I don't want a piece. I want him," she growled. She wanted his coarseness and his kindness, his hands and his eyes, his lips, tongue, laugh, everything. "He was everything I wanted for so long."

"I know."

But she'd had four years of bliss. Four years of damn near perfect love. Some people went their whole lives without it. And she'd been left with a child she adored, another on the way, and lands and money enough to keep them comfortable forever. Erwin had brought the paperwork that declared Petra the controller of all Ackerman properties until Kuchel came of age. Even then, as the widow there'd be a sizeable annuity. Petra had thought Mikasa would get something, but it was all about direct descent. Kuchel was the heiress; Mikasa left out, again.

Petra would keep doing as Levi had, giving nearly everything to charity, looking after Mikasa and the others. But she wished she could do it with him by her side.

"I don't want to be here anymore," she muttered.

"Don't say that. Ever." Her sister's softness vanished. "You can't even think that way. Not with Kuchel."

"I didn't say I would." Petra laid her head in her hands. Every breath she drew hurt. Every moment without him reminded her there'd be millions, maybe billions more before she got to stop feeling this pain. Before she died. She'd never recover. She'd never love again. All she had to look forward to were decades of loneliness and agony.

Why shouldn't she want a way out?

"Mmm? Papa?"

Kuchel stirred, woke, and began to sleepily cry as she remembered her father was gone. Petra hushed the girl, pulled Kuchel into her lap. Kuchel's fire had snuffed out; misery had replaced it. Petra shushed and rocked her daughter as Kuchel cried.

"I w-wish I c-could see him. I wan' Papaaaaaa." She wailed the last syllable.

"I wish that too, baby." Petra kissed the top of her daughter's head and wet it with tears.

---

The next morning, Petra, Ingrid, and Kuchel shared a private train car with Erwin as they hurtled up to Mitras. She watched the countryside speed past. Ingrid sat with Kuchel, talking softly to her and her dolls. Kuchel kept randomly crying, but was growing more and more withdrawn. Petra's happy little girl had vanished.

Maybe she'd go back to her old self eventually. Or maybe this had ruined her.

Petra touched her stomach. I'm sorry, Oruo. You're not even going to get to meet your Papa.

"The idea is a memorial service in the fountain square tomorrow, open to the public. If you can't handle sitting on the platform you don't have to, but it would be good to have you. And Kuchel, if you think she can manage it."

"We'll see," Petra said softly. She gazed at her reflection in the window. She imagined Levi's face appeared, close enough for a kiss. She touched the glass, but found only herself.

"Afterward, I'd like to have a private dinner for his closest friends and family. You and Kuchel and Ingrid, of course, and the 104th as well."

"What about Hange?"

Erwin seemed evasive. "I'll send an invitation, but I'm not sure she'll accept."

"Why not?"

"We've had some disagreements about foreign policy."

That sounded nice and evasive. Petra imagined that Erwin planned to shed a great deal more blood before this was over. So much for peace in their time.

"Tell her I want to see her," Petra said quietly. She gazed back at her reflection.

Erwin's reflection appeared behind hers.

"I will."

"Unwin?" Kuchel toddled over to them and tugged at Erwin's sleeve. "Unwin?"

She was trying to say 'Uncle Erwin', but had truncated it into something adorable. Erwin lifted her onto his lap and bounced her. Kuchel sucked on her thumb, laid her head against his chest, and gazed listlessly at the floor.

"She does love you," Petra said softly.

"The feeling's very mutual." He petted Kuchel's hair.

Petra noticed her mother staring at her.

"What?" Petra asked.

"Oh. Nothing." Ingrid started to read a book. But Petra felt her mother sneaking glances again and again throughout the trip.

---

"Do you have an appropriate outfit for tomorrow?" her mother asked that night, as they sat before the fire in their palace apartment. Kuchel had finally stopped crying and her angry outburst around dinner had fizzled. She lay snuggled in Petra's arms, dead asleep. Petra envied her daughter. She herself got maybe two or three hours a night, and kept starting awake to face another round of crushing grief.

"You mean do I have a black dress? Yes." Her throat tightened. She stared into the flames. This whole apartment felt way too cavernous. There was too much space. She didn't need all this space. All she needed was a little farm and her children and him.

But he was now one of the few things on earth she couldn't have.

"Sweetheart." Ingrid's tone softened. Petra's vision blurred as the tears fell.

"Don't. You'll wake her," she whispered when Ingrid started to get up. Her mother sat back down. A log snapped in the hearth. "This must have worked out perfectly for you."

"What do you mean?"

"Your granddaughter gets a fortune. I get a fortune. And you don't have to deal with Levi anymore. I know how much he bothered you."

She practically snarled the words. It felt like releasing a wild animal that had been trapped in her chest. She wanted other people to hurt. Like she hurt.

"How could you say something like that?" Her mother appeared genuinely horrified.

"You never liked him."

"Not at first, no. But later—"

"When he had money?"

"—when I saw how truly happy he made you and how much he loved Kuchel, I changed my mind about him."

Ingrid fumbled for a handkerchief, clearing her throat to disguise the tears. Petra's arrow had hit its target.

"Mama. I'm sorry." All her happy rage fled, leaving only shame. "I'm just…so lost."

"I know." Ingrid looked into the fire. Kuchel stirred, stretched, and immediately started to cry.

"Where's my Papa?"

"Shhh, darling." Petra hugged the child and soothed her tears. Would her daughter ever stop crying about Levi? She was only three; she hadn't known him that long. But he was her father, idiot. And they'd had such a bond. Petra had been almost jealous of it. Levi only had to poke his head over the cradle wearing a sour expression, and Kuchel would practically burst with joy.

"I, I dreamed th-that he came hoooome." Kuchel's wailing grew wilder. Petra's arms trembled. She couldn't keep comforting her daughter when she herself needed comfort. God, she was a monster. What a shitty mother she made.

"Petra." Ingrid picked up Kuchel. "Why don't you take a walk? You look so tired."

It was mercy. Since yesterday, Petra had heard nothing but frantic sobbing from her daughter. Her nerves were shot.

"Thank you." She walked out of the apartment and found herself alone in the echoing halls of the palace. She'd always wanted to see the inside of here as a girl. Now she had the full run of it whenever she liked. She could look at the galleries, the gardens, the gilded salons.

But all she wanted at that moment was tea.

She touched her stomach again.

Is that it, Oruo? Do you want tea already? Is it my first craving?

It'd be so damn fitting. Petra almost smiled, then nearly cried, and finally went to find her way to the kitchens.

---

Erwin was on whiskey number three. He sat in his chamber, next to the fire. He needed warmth tonight, though it was May. Historia was still on the farm up north. She'd be back in time for the memorial tomorrow. Petra was with her daughter and mother.

Levi. I swore I'd take care of them.

In the slight haze of being semi-drunk, Erwin saw Levi Ackerman sitting across from him. He smiled. The small, raven-haired man looked neutral as ever.

Oi. Why're you drinking so much, dumbass?

"Because any minute now, the bombers will drop their cargo," Erwin whispered. He swallowed the rest of the booze, leaned back in his armchair and shut his eyes.

Urich and Camden, north and south: those two cities would be wiped from the face of the earth in approximately three minutes and thirty-nine seconds. Erwin knew a little of them. Some of the oldest examples of Marleyan architecture were there, aqueducts from ancient times. Camden had glittering palaces, Urich was the industrial heart of the country. Hybernia would miss them.

All told, eight hundred and ninety five thousand souls were about to disappear.

Erwin wondered if tonight some young man was walking home, elated after his first kiss. If a child was being tucked into bed, read a story. If people were laughing in a bar, or if some girl was studying earnestly for a chemistry final, dreaming of a place in a university. He wondered if any newlyweds were enjoying their first night together as spouses, sure that fifty or sixty years stretched out ahead of them. That there'd be children and grandchildren.

Less than two minutes now, and all those dreams and all those historical treasures would no longer exist.

The power of a god on earth.

Erwin's hand shook so badly that he dropped the glass.

Erwin! The phantom Levi leaned forward, horrified. You swore to save humanity. I obeyed your orders because I believed in you!

What was he doing?

"I have to stop it." He nearly fell over when he stood up. Erwin wobbled only slightly as he rushed to the telephone beside his bed. He had a direct line to Kiyomi, and she had one to the planes. He could call her, they could stop this thing. Erwin reached for the receiver.

The phone rang. His hand hovered over it as the phone rang again, a piercing, brittle sound. Slowly, Erwin picked up the receiver, fumbled it to his ear.

"Yes?" He croaked.

"Your Majesty. It's done."

That girl with her chemistry final; that boy with his kiss; those children; those buildings; that history. Gone. All gone in less than one second.

Erwin made a sick noise.

"Sire?"

"Yes. Thank you." He slammed the phone down. Erwin sat on the bed, head in his hands, and waited. Five minutes later, the phone rang again. He answered.

"Majesty, the Hybernian First Minister has been in contact. Hybernia surrenders unequivocally."

"Does Kiyomi know?" His voice was shot.

"Yes, sire. He called her first."

He knew it was her planes that had dropped the bombs, after all.

"Tell the Minister he's to come to Paradis at the first opportunity. He will lie down on his stomach and prostrate himself before me." Erwin swallowed. "The photo opportunity will be priceless."

"Yes, sire."

The line went dead. Erwin hung up.

He had saved Paradis. Eldians. No one would dare attack him now, or ever again. If you harmed the Triple Alliance, if you resisted, your people would disintegrate. Levi's death had not been in vain.

Levi would have hated what Erwin had just done. The same way Hange hated him now. The way Pixis and Nile hated him. Marie already hated him, so…

He made a quick walk to her chambers, knocked. He knocked again. When he entered, he found the place dark and empty. Erwin switched on a light and sat upon her bed. It was an alien sensation to him now, her bed. He picked up the phone, hit a button to be connected with the palace staff room.

"Majesty?"

"Mrs. Dok. Where did she go?" Did he slur those words?

"She went down to the coast for a few days with her daughters."

Good. Good family time. Marie would like that. Erwin thanked the man, certain the fellow would be shaking his head that the king's mistress didn't even tell him where she'd be. Erwin lay down on the bed, tried to inhale the scent of her perfume. He needed her. God, he needed someone.

He didn't want to be alone with Levi's ghost tonight.

Erwin just managed to make it to the bathroom before he vomited into the toilet. His head throbbed.

Tch. Disgusting.

"I never had your tolerance for alcohol," Erwin rasped. He flushed and cleaned himself up. He stared at his blurred image in the mirror. He was a murderer. A committer of genocide. In one instant, he had become irredeemable.

He gripped the sides of the sink. He gasped for air.

He needed another drink. Wine. Screw it, he'd go to the kitchen himself.

He ambled out of Marie's room, shutting off the light as he left.

---

"Oh." Petra halted in the doorway. Erwin sat at the long kitchen table, a bottle of wine set out before him. "I'm sorry, I can go—"

"Please. Please stay."

She had never seen him look worse. His eyes were red, his hair mussed. His face sported stubble; he hadn't shaved today. Erwin tried to drink wine, but his hand trembled. He set the glass down. Gently, Petra moved it and the bottle away.

"Would you like some?"

"No. Um. I don't think it would be good." She sat on a stool on the other end of the table.

"I promise, it's the best vintage."

"I mean not good for the baby." She sighed. Erwin appeared stunned.

"When? Has the doctor—"

"It just happened. It's not official yet, but I feel it." She rubbed her stomach again, imagined the little life incubating inside of her. "I'll wait a month until the doctor can confirm it, but I guess you ought to know." Her throat tightened. "It happened on our last night together."

"I'm so sorry, Petra." Erwin blearily tried to pat his hair into something acceptable.

"I guess I should be grateful. It's the last bit of him I'll ever have." She hid her face in her hand as she started to cry. "Fuck. Fuck. Sorry."

"Don't apologize. Cry all you want." Erwin got up. "Would you like something? I told the kitchen staff to leave me alone, but if you're hungry—"

"I just wanted tea. I can do it."

Sniffing, she got up and found a copper kettle and filled it with water. As she went through the little tea-making ritual, she could feel Levi alongside her. She could recall the genuine smile on his lips whenever he warmed the pot and scooped the tea leaves inside. Tea. Best thing man ever created, he said.

"We first got together in Mitras. At the ball." She lit the stove, leaned her elbows on the counter. "This is where we had sex the first time. It's where we survived the underground together. I thought being here would keep the memories away, but they're louder than in Trost. I'm an idiot."

"He loved you more than anything," Erwin said. He remained seated at the table. "I have never seen a man so in love. Without you, Petra, he would never have been as happy. You truly made him a better man."

Kind words. He meant them, too. She felt it.

"I first saw him when I was fifteen. I knew then exactly what to do with my life. The military was where I belonged. He was who I belonged with. Everything's so easy when you're fifteen, or twenty-one." She suppressed the sudden urge to smash plates. "Why do we have to get older? Why do things have to change?"

"If I could answer that question, I'd be a wealthy man."

"Well. You are a wealthy man." Petra grinned weakly. She poured the hot water, brought the teapot to the table. She set out two cups. "You don't take sugar or milk, right?"

"I couldn't afford them for so long. I lost the taste."

"Me, too." She poured and blew on her cup. Erwin watched the steam rise from his.

"I did something horrible today," he said softly. She frowned.

"What?"

"I killed almost a million people. No. Probably more, when you add the shock waves and the fallout." He picked up his tea, sloshed it; his hand shook so badly. "Sorry. I'll clean it up."

"Erwin." Petra gaped. "What are you saying?"

"We dropped two smaller hyperfusion bombs on two Hybernian cities. They're gone now. Hundreds of years of history, poof." He snapped his fingers, swaying drunkenly. "I killed them. Because I am the devil of all earth."

Petra was stunned. She could tell he'd done it not just as revenge for Levi, but as a counterattack. Erwin always had a plan, was always five steps ahead.

"What…what happened next?" she whispered.

"The Hybernians surrendered. The world will never dare attack us again." He toasted with his cup. "Levi Ackerman died for a noble cause!"

A million deaths? Deaths of innocents, women and children? Levi would sooner cut off his own hand than have such things happen on his account.

"He wouldn't want that," she whispered.

"I know." Erwin looked into his half-empty cup. "He was the best of me. He was the best man I have ever known."

Despite the horror he'd just confessed, he was so genuinely mournful in that moment that Petra didn't know how to react.

"Did I tell you how I found him?" Erwin looked at her. "I was in the underground, dealing with a Military Police matter. And I saw this man. This small, pale man who looked as though he had never seen the sun before. I saw him swagger by. The look in this man's eyes…could have burned the world down." Erwin laughed. "I knew as soon as I saw him that he was born to defy the gods themselves. Before I knew his strength, or his power, or his speed, I saw that limitless fury in him. I knew he'd be the finest recruit I ever brought into the Survey Corps. I scouted talent in every area. I'd take anyone with promise. I'd send them off to die for my dream. I killed thousands of them."

"Erwin…"

But the man was trapped in the throes of his confession.

"I knew as soon as I saw Levi that I had to have him. I lied to him. I got his friends killed; not directly, but it was so easy to bring him into my fold. Petra, I never expected it." He looked at her, desperation in his eyes. "I never expected friendship. I never knew how much my superior he was. I didn't understand how someone so different could fit so well in my life. I never knew I could love another person as completely and selflessly and perfectly as I loved—"

Erwin began to cry. He immediately shielded his face from her.

"Forgive me. I'm sorry," he whispered.

She reached out and gently took his hand from his face. Erwin's cheeks were wet. Petra's eyes filled with tears.

"It makes me so happy to see how much you loved him." She sniffed. "You say he loved me. But he could never leave you. I told him the day he… I said he had two great loves in his life. I was one. You were the other."

Erwin squeezed her hand. There was no lust in the kiss he bestowed upon her fingers.

"I disgraced him with what I did today."

Truthfully, Petra couldn't wrap her brain around it. If she hadn't been so stuck in the morass of mourning, she might have been appalled. Levi would have been furious, it was true. She grieved for the innocent lives lost.

But in the worst, most malformed part of her soul, Petra felt a little happy that the arrogant bastards that had killed her husband were suffering.

No. Not them. Their wives and children and parents and families. The innocents who did nothing wrong.

Fuck. She really understood Marley now. Anyone could become like Marley when the ones they loved were taken away. She hated that she understood the genocidal maniacs.

"We're not very good people," she whispered.

"You had nothing to do with this."

"Did Hange know? Is that the foreign policy you mentioned?" He nodded. "She probably resigned. She loved Levi, but she wouldn't go along with this. She was probably outraged."

"Yes. To all of that."

"Because Hange is a good person. And you and I," Petra said, taking a sip of tea, "are not."

Erwin looked at her. He just looked. Petra felt a little uncomfortable, and shifted in her seat.

"You never fail to surprise me, Petra."

She wiped her cheeks. "Well. Finish your tea, then get to bed. We have a long, difficult day tomorrow."

He smiled. "Yes, ma'am."

They drank in utter silence, and Petra imagined she could feel Levi at her side. She imagined he looked at her in horror for not being more pained on behalf of the Hybernians.

She wanted to be. Perhaps she'd feel the horror later. But tonight, she was too wrapped up in her own suffering to care. Her kindness, her sweetness: all of that had died with him.

You said I was your guiding light once. You had it wrong. You were the one who made me better, Levi.

---

Petra barely saw the crowd before her, crammed into the fountain square. She sat on the wooden stage, gazing out at rows and rows of people dressed in black. Kids hung off the statues in the fountain, staring at the king.

Erwin stood before a podium with a microphone. Petra had Kuchel on her lap, who thankfully was now very gentle. This was the third day of insurmountable grief; everyone burned out eventually.

Mikasa sat on the other side of Erwin, along with Historia. Only family and the king and queen were on the platform, but Eren and the other 104th recruits had seats of honor at the very front. Petra looked down at Eren. The boy gazed ahead, his expression inscrutable.

How could he look so self-possessed?

"Levi Ackerman wasn't born with the expectation of greatness." Erwin's amplified voice boomed across the square. Journalists recorded his words; cameras flashed and filmed. This would likely show up in newsreels in cinemas around the world. "He was born here, in the capital. But he did not spend his childhood on these clean city streets. Instead, he lived in squalor, among the poorest of the poor in the underground. Such crushing poverty has brought down many men, but not him. From the very first, he was a fighter. As a young man, he fought for his own survival; later, he chose to harness his abilities toward saving humanity itself. Levi could be a greedy man, as anyone who ever watched him bargain for the finest tea leaves can tell you." Small ripple of laughter there. Erwin even smiled. "But he was also the least selfish person I have ever known. We called him Humanity's Strongest when our only perceived threat was the titans. But even after the discovery of the truth at the heart of our world—even after we entered the international stage, and needed diplomats more than soldiers—he was still the strongest. No man has ever loved his country as Levi Ackerman loved Paradis. No man has ever shown more loyalty to his comrades than Levi Ackerman showed his fellow soldiers. No man has ever been a finer friend. No man has ever loved his wife so deeply, or been so devoted to his daughter. No man has ever inspired such zeal in those he led. Soldiers would follow Levi into the very mouth of hell because they knew he cared for every single one of them. He was a man of impossible contradictions; he believed in presenting himself as a gentleman of great taste, yet he was one of the crassest men who ever lived." Another ripple of laughter. Petra squeezed Kuchel. "He killed without compunction, yet valued every single human life. His demeanor was often cold, yet he loved more tenderly than any man I have ever met. He despised authority, yet followed orders without question in pursuit of a better world. That better world will never see a better soldier, a better husband, a better father, or a better man. Levi Ackerman was born with nothing, but he died a man who had everything. If there is any mercy in his tragic loss, it is that he perished when he was still young and strong, when he was triumphant and utterly beloved. He will never lose his sheen in our collective memory. He is, and always will remain, Humanity's Strongest."

Petra blinked away tears. Kuchel fussed a bit, but Petra bounced and shushed her. Erwin pointed to a space cordoned off by red velvet ropes, directly before the fountain.

"On this spot, we will build a statue commemorating the life and achievements of this, our greatest Eldian. I ask you all now to dedicate your hearts to the memory of this remarkable man. For the last time, Levi, I give you my full and sincere salute."

Erwin saluted, his body going rigid.

The entire mass of people saluted as one. Petra heard crying in the front row. Sasha was weeping against Connie, who had his arm around her, his cheek against the crown of her head. Mikasa stood and saluted her cousin. Petra couldn't put Kuchel down, so she only sat there and stared out at the sea of black clothes and wan faces.

"Dedicate your hearts!" Erwin bellowed.

"Dedicate your hearts! Dedicate your hearts!"

They cried out for Levi, for Erwin. Kuchel whimpered, hating the noise. Petra shushed and hugged her, rocked her.

"Le-VI! Le-VI! Le-VI!" They began, as one, to pump fists in the air. "Er-WIN! Er-WIN! Er-WIN!"

The mood began to turn from mournful to ecstatic.

"And as we dedicate our hearts, we remind the world of this truth." Erwin gripped the sides of the podium. "If you attack us, we will meet the attack head on. For generations, humanity has feared the titans. But now, the sleeping giant of Eldia has awoken once more. We are humanity's greatest allies. But make no mistake: when threatened, we crush our enemies!"

"Er-WIN! Er-WIN!"

The crowd now verged on hysteria. Erwin looked straight into the cameras. He cut an impressive figure with his slick blond hair, dressed in his black military garb. The sight of all these Eldians cheering, fists pumping in the air, calling his name, got the point across nicely. The world would see them as a united front, led by a powerful, charismatic force.

Petra suddenly wanted to get off this stage. She looked at Erwin Smith and wondered which aspect of the man she would meet when this was all over. Erwin the heartbroken friend? Erwin the devoted uncle? Erwin the god? Erwin the maniac?

Levi. I know you need me to be strong for Kuchel. But I don't know how much more I can take.

Petra noticed Historia stare at her husband like he was a stranger.

And when Petra looked out at the crowd, she caught Eren Jaeger looking right at her. She stared into the young man's eyes. He stared back into hers, unblinking. Unashamed.

They were going to have words. Soon.

---

"I'm real sorry, Lieutenant." Sasha sniffled, then took a forkful of cake. "Reaw sowwy."

Yes. It had been a good idea to have food waiting in the apartment when she returned with her friends. Though even Sasha could only pick at her plate. That meant she was truly grieving. A young man had his arm around her, looking at the girl with gentle sympathy.

"Thank you for coming, Mr.?" Petra extended her hand.

"Oh. Just Niccolo." He shook. Yes, Petra thought she recognized him. He'd been one of the first Marleyans to make landfall on the island. Years ago.

She smiled at Sasha. At least the girl had found some happiness.

My happiness is gone.

A melodramatic thing to think, but Petra was too raw right now. In a corner, Mikasa spoke with Ingrid while holding Kuchel. The little girl had fallen asleep on her cousin's shoulder. Connie and Jean were both having a beer, seated on Petra's couch. She walked over to them. Connie instantly got to his feet.

"I'm so sorry." His eyes were raw from crying. He hastily swiped at his cheeks. He was a grown man, a titan shifter, but still that young boy she'd met four years ago. Petra hugged him.

"Thank you for being here. You too, Jean."

The other boy got up, blustering his sympathy. She was glad she had saved him from becoming a shifter. She…and Levi.

I can't get away from the memories. He's in every room, every person's face. Our lives were completely woven together. There's nowhere I can escape.

Petra turned and saw Eren in the window seat, gazing out at the garden. Finally, an emotion other than misery surfaced.

Rage.

She went to him. The boy regarded her calmly.

"I can't believe I let myself fall for your bullshit." Her voice was hoarse. Eren said nothing. "Two boys in one year? My husband's gone. He's dead." Dead. Every time she said the word, it broke her a little more. "I really let myself believe you knew the fucking future. God, I'm an idiot." She wiped her cheeks. Eren just stared at her, and that made her madder and madder. "Well, guess what? I suppose the world's going to end now. Zeke's dead, too. So unless Erwin makes Historia a titan, your Founder has no royal blood to access. Why aren't you more upset?" She leaned in nearer, going insane with how calm the boy was. "Why don't you say something?" she barked.

Behind her, the gathering quieted. Eren sighed.

"The Founding Titan can restore Eldians who've died. Remember that, Petra."

What the flying fuck? Was he still playing with her? Speaking that mystical bullshit? How was the Founder supposed to bring Levi back from the goddamn dead without Zeke? This little piece of shit. With a wrenching cry, Petra slapped Eren hard across the face.

"Eren!" Mikasa was beside them in a second, blocking Eren from Petra with her body. The girl's gray eyes were determined. Levi's eyes.

Petra couldn't stand it a second longer.

"If you knew something would happen, you should have told us! You should have told me not to go so he could get on the plane! But you didn't, because you're a liar!" Petra was screaming now, screaming and sobbing. Eren just stared. "You're a fucking liar!"

"Petra." Ingrid took her arm. She murmured excuses as she dragged her daughter away. They went to the bedroom, where Ingrid all but threw Petra onto the bed. "Stay here. Calm down."

Ingrid left and shut the door, leaving Petra in semi-darkness like a child in a time out. Petra touched her face, as if she'd slapped herself and not Eren. Her hand trembled.

She'd had maybe six hours of sleep total the last three nights. Bad for the baby. Her vision wobbled. She slid off her shoes and curled up on her side in a ball, weeping.

She was a weak piece of shit. Poor Kuchel. Poor Oruo. Stuck with a mother like her.

---

"What is it, Historia?" Erwin's wife stood before his desk. She wore her hair up, dressed in a crisp black Paradisian Guard uniform, albeit with a long skirt. A military sovereign. He approved.

But the look in her eyes was downright hostile.

"Is it true about Hybernia?"

"Yes. It is." No sense lying. No sense playing pretend. They weren't children.

The air left her in a rush. She collapsed into a seat.

"You…how could you?"

"Because it was the only alternative that kept everyone on Paradis safe and alive. The only alternative that kept the world from plunging back into war and chaos, which would have killed millions more civilians than died yesterday in Hybernia. And they would have died slower."

"You can't justify this. It was murder," she spat.

"Yes. It was. And I am the murderer, not you." Erwin looked back at his work, signing letters of thanks for the thousands of condolence cards the crown had received. "I've taken on all of your work as well as my own. The glory's all mine; the hate should be as well."

"You haven't—"

"You sit on your farm and play with your orphans. I applaud you for it, but don't mistake it as important. Not in a political sense. Not in the way of truly saving our people." Erwin glared coolly at his queen. He was done playacting. Done being deferential to people who took from him and never gave.

"I'm the one with royal blood." Historia pulled herself up, and in that moment he saw the girl who had challenged him atop the wall in Orvud District all those years ago. The girl who had killed her own father to claim the crown. He respected that girl. "You're king because of me, not the other way around."

"Yes. Tell me. If I stepped aside today, what would be your foreign policy? What would you say in meetings with the Triple Alliance? How would you handle the press fallout of the Hybernian bombing?" His glare wilted Historia. "Could you stand on a stage and have thousands of people cheering your name after a speech? You're a good person, Historia, but an indifferent and ineffective ruler. You are queen because you were born to it; I became a king. Don't confuse our roles. And don't think that having the right of primogeniture and hereditary politics on your side would save you if I stepped down."

She was pale now. Erwin went back to signing the letters.

"If you want to do something useful, you can co-sign these letters when I'm done. People should hear from their queen. Or you could conspicuously lay flowers on the Memorial Lawn, a token for the fallen dead. Let the journalists get a few pictures."

Historia remained silent for a minute.

"I'm sorry Captain Levi is gone for a lot of reasons. But mostly, I'm sorry because he was the only one of us who kept you from turning into a terrible person."

Erwin didn't respond. Historia exited the room. Erwin had to put the pen down. His hand was shaking, and he didn't want the ink to splatter.

---

"We should go home," Ingrid said. It was the following afternoon. They'd taken Kuchel for a walk in the royal gardens. The girl toddled ahead, but didn't run or laugh like she used to. She was the same as Petra: wound down and broken.

"Why? I thought you liked it up here." Petra eyed some peonies as they passed.

"I don't think being here is good for you." Ingrid sighed as Kuchel sat down in the middle of the path. "Or for Kuchel."

"We're not in any danger. Erwin wouldn't let anything happen to us."

"I guess he wouldn't."

Petra stopped walking. "What does that mean?"

Ingrid pursed her lips. "I don't like how he is with Kuchel."

"What? He's not…"

"No no, not like that. I mean he's too familiar. He carries her around and lets her lean on him like he was her father."

"Erwin's her honorary uncle. He's more of an uncle to her than Willem is," Petra snapped.

Ingrid remained unruffled. "I agree. But I don't like how quickly he's adapted to being the man in your life."

"Wha—" Petra didn't know whether to laugh or start screaming. "When you get it wrong, Mama, you really get it wrong."

"Fine. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe he isn't trying to get you both to become dependent on him. If you think the king has no ulterior motive toward you in any way, I'll shut my mouth."

Petra looked at Kuchel. The girl kicked at the dirt crossly, making angry fussing noises. She'd gone from wailing to silent and now to furious. What joy would tomorrow bring?

"You're wrong." She waited a moment. "But if it'll make you happy, we can leave on tomorrow's morning train. It's already afternoon, and I don't want to keep Kuchel up past her bedtime getting home. I'm tired enough as it is."

Ingrid sighed. Mollified, she took her daughter's arm.

"Thank you." They walked on.

"You know, there was a time I thought you'd be delighted to imagine me and the king together," Petra drawled. She meant it as a joke, but Ingrid wasn't laughing.

"I read what he did to Hybernia. There's nothing he could do to wipe that smudge away."

Petra wanted to tell her mother that she was being judgmental and small minded.

But was she?

At any rate, she had to stop thinking about it. Kuchel was now angrily yanking flowers out of the ground. Petra had to go pick her up.

They had dinner in their room, though getting Kuchel to eat was a chore. Eventually, Ingrid went to the bedroom to get the child's favorite doll, hoping that would help.

"Come on, angel. Just a little more." Petra held out the spoon, trying to feed Kuchel like she was a baby again. But the child pursed her lips tight. Stubborn as her father.

"I. Want. Papa."

Petra put the spoon down.

"I know. But he's not here now."

"I want Papa now."

"You can't have him. He's not coming back." Petra's voice lost its sweetness. She thrust the spoon into Kuchel's face. "Eat your dinner, Kuchel."

Kuchel glared at her, her baby face twisted in rage.

"I want Papa! Give me Papa! I want him, I want him!" Kuchel stood on her chair and started stamping her feet.

Petra wanted the same. She wanted to do the same. And the last bit of her façade came crashing down. She put her face right next to Kuchel's.

"You can't have him because he's dead!" She was shouting. She couldn't stop. "You don't come back when you're dead! You're stuck with me. Papa's never coming home. So you're going to stop being a spoiled brat and eat your dinner right this minute, and then you are going to go to bed and shut up!"

Kuchel gaped at her. Petra felt like some demon had fled her body. Oh, fuck. What had she said? How could she have said such a thing?

"Kuchel. I'm so sorry…"

Kuchel screwed up her face and wailed. She sobbed and sobbed until Ingrid rushed over and picked her up, swaying her back and forth, shushing and comforting her. Kuchel just wept. She wouldn't look at Petra.

"Mama. I'm…" Petra whispered.

"It's all right." Ingrid took Kuchel away and returned a minute later. There was no anger in her eyes. Only understanding. "I'm going to keep Kuchel with me tonight. You need sleep, sweetheart. You need to feel better."

Petra didn't deserve comfort. She cried and cried as her mother hugged her.

"I'm sorry, Mama," she whispered.

"This is going to get better." Ingrid kissed her forehead. "You're the strongest of my children. You can do this."

It was rare to hear Ingrid praise Petra over Willem. She was quietly stunned.

"Go take a bath and get a good night's rest. I'll see you in the morning."

"Thank you." Petra sat there on the floor after Ingrid left. Finally, she got up and did as told. She ran a hot bath and lay in the tub as the sun finished going down. She felt her heartbeat slow. She felt the tension leave her shoulders. She drained the tub, washed up, and got into bed. She hadn't had a bed all to herself in years. There was something relaxing about it.

She lay under the covers, luxuriating in the quiet. Then someone tapped her shoulder.

"Oi! Petra! What're you doing here?"

"Hmm?"

Oruo sat at her bedside, fluffing his damn cravat. Oruo. He was alive, making that old smarmy face at her. She sat up and wrapped her arms around him. Yes, it was him. She almost started laughing.

"Oh, thank god. I missed you," she whispered.

"Tch. Women. So emotional." But he hugged her back. "Listen, though. You can't stay here, Petra. It's not right."

"I know. I—"

But she held empty air; he was gone. She looked around in confusion. A knock came. Sighing, she got out of bed.

"Oruo?" She opened the door.

Levi walked in.

It was relief like she'd never known. Her entire body went limp. She was warm head to toe. It was like being flung high into the air, soaring into the sky. Wings of freedom. She threw herself into his arms, and he held her.

"Petra. Why're you here?" he asked. She kissed his lips again and again, felt their warmth. She could have eaten him alive. She kissed every inch of his face. Petra hugged him so fiercely she wondered if he could still breathe.

"We thought you were dead. Oh, Levi. Thank god." She wept and sighed and kissed him.

"Petra?"

Something wasn't right. In her arms he was distinctly…wet. Petra let go of her husband.

Water dribbled from Levi's eyes, nose, and mouth. He looked resentful.

"What'd you do to my daughter?" he growled, as seawater poured out of him.

Petra came awake with a shriek. Her heart had never beaten this fast before. She began to cough as she scrambled out of bed and crawled on her hands and knees to the bathroom. She flipped on the lights, and knelt over the toilet as dry heaves wracked her body. She didn't throw up, though. Her legs were shaky as she stood up in front of the sink, ran the faucet. She should wash her face again to give herself something to do. Levi always said a clean face was a good face.

But Levi wasn't here anymore. She dropped the soap and sobbed. She turned off the water and opened the medicine cabinet, looking for tablets. Something to take away the headache that threatened to crush her.

She found no tablets. But she did find a razor.

Levi's straight razor. He left it here so he could always have a shave if he came to town and forgot his overnight bag. Petra picked it up, closed the cabinet, and flipped it open. She traced it along her thumb, winced when it nearly cut her. So sharp.

So sharp…

These last four days, every waking moment had felt like someone was chasing her from room to room, shouting at her and brandishing a knife. There was no respite. There was nowhere to run. She was trapped, and always felt like she was about to die. The strain of being hunted was tearing her to pieces.

She couldn't go on like this. No one could.

She laid the razor against the soft flesh of her underarm, where the faint blue-green of her veins appeared. One deep cut was all it would take. Then she'd be beyond the pain. She'd be with him again. That was what it meant to have a great love, wasn't it? When one died, the other might as well?

Petra closed her eyes, tried to gain the last little bit of courage to—

Petra!

Levi glared back at her from the mirror, white with fury.

Don't you fucking dare leave Kuchel alone! I'll never forgive your ass! Never!

She dropped the razor with a clatter. It spun on the floor. Petra sat down hard on the tile, and cried and cried and cried. She hugged her knees, rocked back and forth. No way out. Her heart was going much too fast. No way out. Only pain. She was losing her mind. She could feel it coming off the tracks. About to crash. No way out.

Oi. Petra. Come up here.

With the last of her strength, she pulled herself back up to gaze in the mirror. She saw her own reflection now, but heard the words that came from her mouth in Levi's voice.

Now listen up, brat. Your mind's about to snap.

"I think it already has," she whispered.

You can't lose control. You can't die, and you can't go nuts. You have Kuchel to think of. And the baby.

Yes. The baby. Too much more strain could kill the baby. She couldn't have that.

"Wh-What do I do?" She started to cry.

Stop that. Focus. Now listen. Your body's been under nothing but stress for four days straight. You're living in fight or flight all the time. If you don't do something, you're going to burn the fuck out. You could actually die for real if it gets bad enough. Your damn heart could stop.

"How can I stop it? The stress, I mean."

Tch. Think. Use your damn brain. You need to feel something else. You need something that'll take you out of this state. Because make no mistake, brat. If you don't get relief soon, or something close to it, you'll be useless to Kuchel. I can't allow that.

"No. You can't." She gazed longingly in the mirror. "I miss you."

But she saw only herself now. Petra ran the water, splashed some on her face. She needed something. A real distraction. Something that would get her out of herself.

Pills? Dangerous for the baby. Booze, same thing. A run wouldn't work; she'd feel chased by grief. Her heart was beating much too fast. It had to slow down. She needed a powerful sensation to override this pain. She needed…

It all came together. She knew what she needed. Exactly what she needed.

Petra shut off the water. She stared at her reflection, like looking at a stranger. For the first time in days, she felt the utter calm of knowing what had to be done. She'd missed that clarity.

She took a few slow, deep breaths, and put the razor away. Her hair was a tangled mess, so she brushed it, then brushed her teeth again. She unscrewed a jar of ointment and dabbed some under her eyes to reduce the swelling. She held onto the sink and breathed until her heart slowed. She looked herself in the eyes, let herself know exactly what she was thinking.

It was this, or total madness. She did this, or she shattered and became useless to Kuchel. The choice was simple. Petra shut off the bathroom lights. She went to the bedroom, put on her slippers and robe, and quietly left her apartment. She walked the corridors, turning right a couple of times until she came to the royal residence wing. She passed Historia's door, looking sadly at it as she walked by.

She found Erwin's door, and knocked. Guards stood on either side, but they didn't stop her. Everyone knew she had access to whatever she wanted.

Erwin opened up, surprised to find her.

"I can't sleep. I need to talk," she said.

"Of course. Come in."

He let her in and shut the door. She entered the parlor, surprisingly cozy with a plush carpet and shelves upon shelves of books. Petra stared into the blazing hearth, appreciating the warmth. A couple of armchairs and a sofa sat before the flames. Erwin took one armchair, gestured for her to take the other across from him. She did.

"I hope I'm not bothering you," she said.

"Not at all. Just…thinking."

"And drinking?" She noticed the whiskey beside him. Erwin sighed, downed it.

"The two things I'm best at these days." He looked into the fire, lost in thought. She kept staring at him. "I don't think there's a way out for me now."

"I know exactly how you feel."

He smiled slightly. "Yes. You would. I've just been remembering myself as a young man. There was so much fear, but so much excitement. I believed everything would fall seamlessly into place. That was my destiny, after all."

"Yes." She took off her slippers and undid the belt of her robe.

"When you lose the companions of your youth, you start to wonder what else life can possibly—"

He turned to face her. Petra got up, straddled him in the chair, and kissed him.

Erwin pulled away in shock. The first kiss she'd had since losing Levi. Probably the last first kiss of her life. They weren't Levi's lips, but she could pretend.

"Petra. What—"

"Remember when you told me you would only touch me when I asked you?" she whispered. She took his hands and placed them on her hips. He watched her like she had turned into some strange, alien creature. "Touch me now."

"Petra, you're grieving. You're too raw. I'm not going to take advantage of y—"

She wasn't getting her point across, so she kissed him again. Harder this time. He grunted, but didn't push her away. Ever so slowly, his hands ran up her back. She ground against him once.

Her soul was dead, but her body was alive enough. Already, her attention shifted away from the helpless grief. She shut her eyes, pretended she was kissing Levi. Erwin was a bigger man, but she imagined he was small, and his lips were thinner, and that she loved him passionately.

Levi. She almost smiled.

"We can't." Erwin broke from her, though she could hear the hesitation in his voice. "I don't want to take advantage."

"I think I'm the one who's taking advantage." She slipped the straps of her nightdress off her shoulders, let it pool at her waist. She felt the chill air on her breasts, the warmth of the fire on her left side. Erwin stared, his jaw slightly open. She saw the light of reason leave his eyes. She took his hands and placed them on her breasts. "Touch me, Erwin. Make me feel something else."

"Petra…"

"I need to feel something else, because if I don't something bad is going to happen to me." Her voice was flat, emotionless. She'd burned away her humanity tonight. She was something mechanical. She needed service, or she'd fall apart. She shut her eyes and grinded on him again. She bit her lip when she felt him getting hard.

"Petra." He gasped her name as she wrapped her arms around his head. She felt his lips on her breasts then. She wove her fingers through his hair, imagined that it was Levi's hair, imagined that these lips were Levi's, this tongue was Levi's.

"I want you to fuck me. I need you to. So do it."

She gave the orders, and he obeyed. Petra kept her eyes shut; she couldn't watch as he kissed her breasts, as he licked her nipples into peaks. Whatever part of her could still feel hated herself as she began to get wet. Her body responded to Erwin's attentions, even if her soul remained dead.

But tonight, she was nothing but a body. Her soul was with Levi, somewhere at the bottom of the ocean.

Erwin's breath came faster. He passed his hand down her back, slipped beneath her nightdress and cupped her ass. She forced herself not to scream when he slid one finger inside her. He gave a low moan when he found her ready for him.

"Oh, fuck," he breathed. He kissed her then, kissed her passionately as he lifted her into his arms. Petra stayed wrapped tight around his neck, her eyes squeezed shut because if she had to look at him her heart would break and she'd tell him to stop, and if he stopped she'd truly lose it. Petra heard him kick open a door, then felt a bed beneath her. She let Erwin slip off the nightdress. She lay there, her nails digging into the bedspread.

She could feel him staring at her, naked and waiting for him.

"Incredible," he whispered. Then she heard him getting undressed.

This is Levi. You're with Levi now.

Feeling returned tentatively. Levi got undressed while she teased him about his handsomeness. She was with her husband.

When Erwin got on top of her, she thought of Levi, Levi, Levi's lips. His bare chest pressed against hers, but he still had his pants on. Levi was doing this. Levi was with her now. This other man was just a convenient body, a channel for her to find her love again.

Erwin's tongue thrust into her mouth. She accepted it, felt him begin to kiss down her body. He stopped at her breasts before continuing the languid journey south. His mouth and breath traced her bare skin. Petra kept her eyes shut. She could do this. She could…

When his mouth found her, she almost screamed. Her eyes sprang open. There was a fire laid in this room, too, and in the light she could see him between her legs. His eyes were half-lidded with lust. He kissed down her inner thigh, and then he—

Levi. It's Levi. But she knew it wasn't as he teased her with his tongue. Tears leaked from the corners of her eyes. I can't bear it. Tell him to stop.

But he was good with his tongue, and a rush of pleasure went through her. It sang in her brain. For that one, blissful second, the grief left. It returned immediately, but already the impact had lessened.

Pleasure took the pain away, if only for an instant.

So go back to your room and touch yourself. Don't do this. Don't!

But she knew it wasn't the same as having another body on hers, a conduit for her husband. Erwin moaned as he felt her stiffen from his ministrations. His tongue thrust in and out of her, circled her bud. Petra forgot how to think as she felt the tension build, and build, and—

She cried out as if in pain when she came, writhing on the bed while he held her legs. He whispered that she sounded amazing. Petra kept her eyes shut, panicking as she heard the clink of a buckle. No. No, she had to stop this. She couldn't go through with it.

She heard a drawer open at the bedside table. She felt the bed shift as he got on top. She finally forced herself to look at the man straddling her, utterly naked. Every inch of him was defined muscle. Her eyes tracked down and widened when she saw…

Oh, fuck. That was too much.

He must have thought the same, because he poured some kind of oil in his hand and rubbed it on…himself. He looked almost apologetic.

"Sometimes it's easier this way," he whispered, lying on top of her. He was so heavy. Petra turned her face away so he couldn't kiss her, shut her eyes again. Please. Please make it stop. What had she done? "Petra? Please look at me."

He spoke gently. She did as he asked. His face hovered above. His eyes searched hers.

"Do you want me to stop?" He'd stop if she asked. Yes. She needed to say yes. It'd been a mistake.

"No," she said. She meant it. "Don't stop. Do it."

Something else had taken charge of her. Erwin groaned as he covered her with his body, as he positioned himself between her legs, and all she could think was idiot, you idiot, how could you? how the fuck could you?

But still she did not tell him to stop.

"I've wanted this," he whispered, and then her eyes bulged when he slid inside of her. She let out a terrified yelp. She almost panicked, afraid he'd tear her somehow. Erwin grew still, gave her time to adjust. Her eyes watered. No, she'd gone past the point of no return. She couldn't stop now.

This was her punishment. She'd gotten Levi killed; she'd broken her daughter's spirit; she had to be humiliated. She had to look at herself in the mirror for the rest of her life with loathing.

"Yes?" he whispered. She shifted. It was still a lot, but manageable.

"Yes," she said. She was lifeless now.

He began to thrust. Petra bit her lip as she felt him move inside, his girth on the verge of being too much. Levi had fit perfectly within her. He'd been made for her. This was wrong. She didn't fit with Erwin. All of it was degradation.

Good. She deserved it. She whimpered as he began to fuck deeper. The springs creaked beneath them as he went faster and faster.

"Wrap your legs around me," he rasped. Petra wanted to cry. Instead she did as he asked, and moaned a little as the sensation changed. He aligned within her, his every thrust moving her closer and closer to the edge of oblivion. She clung to his back, dug her fingers into his flesh. Erwin grunted, but didn't slow. The muscles of his back moved under her hands. He was enormous. He was too big for her. He'd tear her apart. But he was so good at what he did…

Petra began to groan, almost against her will. Fuck, this was working; she was having a hard time thinking now. Pleasure obliterated her thoughts and feelings. He began to speed up, filling her again and again as she moaned louder. Levi. Levi was making love to her. Now that it didn't hurt any longer, she could picture herself with him.

"Hey, brat."

He smiled down on her with that wry, almost deadpan smile. She kissed him and pulled him on top of her, sighing in relief as he entered her. They looked into each other's eyes. She loved to see his pupils dilate when they made love and he approached his end. She loved to kiss the V of concentration between his brows as he worked to get her to her pleasure. She loved the smell of soap on his skin, and the warmth of his body in her arms.

Yes. Levi. She moaned.

"Petra," he whispered.

"Levi." She smiled, called his name. "Oh, Levi. Yes. Yes."

---

It was more than he had expected or ever imagined. She was so delicate. He was afraid at first that he'd hurt her. Some animal part of him relished being too big for her, but the sane part listened for any sound that indicated she was in pain. He heard the opposite. Her gasps and moans spurred him to greater heights. This was paradise. She was so soft, so warm. Even after giving birth, she was tighter than he'd ever experienced.

She was the most exquisite woman he'd had in years. Maybe ever. Reality was somehow better than the fantasy.

He felt himself nearing his end, but he wanted it to last. This might be the only time they ever made love; he wanted to remember every moment. He wouldn't spend too soon.

Erwin watched her. Her eyes were shut. Her small, pert breasts quivered with his thrusts. He groaned at the erotic sight. Petra gripped the pillow beneath her head; she smiled in ecstasy. Fuck, he was going to come so fucking hard…

"Petra."

"Levi."

The word was a bombshell in his mind. He almost fell off the rhythm as she continued to call for her husband. She was with him now, not Erwin. Erwin was only the medium for their reunion. It didn't surprise him; of course she was only fucking him to feel close to her husband again. But she was fucking him.

Erwin lowered himself so that his breath kissed her forehead.

"Petra," he whispered. She tightened around him; her end was near. "Petra, open your eyes."

She opened them instinctively, accustomed to following orders. She looked at Erwin as he fucked her. She saw his face, his eyes bright with lust as he took her body. She was not with Levi tonight; she was with him. She's given herself to him. He was the one inside of her, not her husband.

He saw the realization hit. Her chin trembled. Then she did something remarkable: she cried and came at the same time. Her body arched beneath his; he felt her ripple around him as she screamed. It was a scream of pleasure that merged into a sob of despair.

The animal in him roared its triumph as the man shattered in misery.

He thrust and thrust and a second later he finished, bellowing like a beast as he came in her. He slowed down and stopped, raised himself on his elbows to look at her. Petra lay there, her arms at her sides, and wept as he softened within her. Erwin pulled out, and she rolled away from him. She lay on her side, back to him, and cried as if her heart would break.

"What'd I do? Oh, fuck. What'd I do?" she whimpered.

A good man would have fumbled for an apology. Said he'd taken advantage. Profusely sworn up and down that he was a monster, that they should forget it all. But the naked line of her back stoked something in him.

You saw her like this, Levi. You saw her naked beneath you.

It was like standing on a balcony where Levi had once stood, gazing down at the view he'd once appreciated. For a moment, Erwin felt so close to Levi again. Petra had not been the only one to feel the dead man in the room with them.

Erwin wanted more. He wanted the man's presence.

He wanted to possess her and summon Levi again.

Erwin leaned over and kissed her back. Petra curled into a defensive ball.

"Look what we did," she sobbed. He raised himself over her. She was so delicate and small. She had been Levi's. Levi had loved her so thoroughly.

Levi. Please come back to us.

"This is all my fault," he said, but not as an apology. As a way of appeasing her conscience. "I should have stopped it. But here we are. It's my fault, but I'm not sorry."

She wiped her cheeks and looked up at him, putting her hands over her breasts as if to hide her body from him. It was a little late for that. He started to get hard again. Fuck, a man his age. Erwin hadn't had sex in almost six months. He wanted her again, badly. She saw it.

"You needed a release to keep from going insane. I needed the same thing."

"I did. I wanted to do this with you. But I…" She sobbed again. He risked it, leaned down and kissed her hard on the mouth. Petra did not pull away from him. Her hands fell from her breasts. She revealed her body again.

She's yours, Levi. She's ours. I'm with you now.

"I have to feel close to him again, Petra. I have no illusions about us." He spoke only the truth. She listened. He trailed kisses along her neck as he spoke. "Let me use your body tonight. You can use mine. It's our way of summoning him." Erwin lifted her, sat on his knees so that she straddled him. "And if not that, these last five minutes are the first that have made me feel good since it happened. It's a base, animal goodness. But it's real."

"Yes." She cried. He lifted her chin. He was almost inside her once more.

"So. If you want to leave, you can." He wrapped his arms around her. "But this will feel better than going back to your room now. I guarantee it."

She shut her eyes, wavered as she made her decision. He kissed her throat down to her breasts. He sucked on her nipple. She moaned softly.

"All right," she breathed. "Yes. Do whatever you want to me. Just make the pain stop."

She slid down around him. This time, she rode him. This time, she kept her eyes open and looked at him as they fucked. There was nothing of Petra in her gaze now, nothing of the sweet, kind, thoughtful young woman. This was a shell, something animal that craved only sensation. Nothing loving. Nothing tender.

He gave her everything she craved, and more.

And he felt Levi's presence sitting alongside them all the while.

---

She woke up sweating. In her dream, Levi had been trapped beneath a frozen lake, pounding on the ice. She stood above him and screamed for help, tried to find a rock to smash the ice, and sobbed as she watched him slowly drown before her eyes. She couldn't reach him in time…

Petra stared ahead. The fire had died; only a few embers flared in the darkness. Moonlight came through the window, and in the dim illumination she saw the man sleeping next to her.

He was large, and his naked chest rose and fell. His hand lay across his stomach. His face was turned towards her. His eyes were shut; he breathed peacefully.

Petra sat there and stared at him. Yes. It had all been real. The soreness between her legs was proof. She'd done anything and everything he'd wanted to do with her. She'd wailed like an animal, shedding her humanity and her emotions. The genteel and polite Erwin Smith had vanished as well. He'd been feral with her, and she'd wanted that. She'd wanted to fuck without love. She'd had no past tonight, no thoughts, no soul. She'd been utterly free. Except for the moments when she neared her climax and could feel Levi close again, because only he should ever give her ecstasy.

What the fuck had she done?

This was like scratching a mosquito bite, she thought. Ludicrous, but strangely true. The itch had become so painful that she'd scratched. For a few blissful moments, the agony vanished. But then, after scratching, the itching came back five times worse than before.

She'd done the worst thing she could possibly have done.

Desperate not to wake him, she got out of bed and put on her nightdress. She raced into the parlor, where she grabbed her robe and slippers. She heard the clocks strike four. Petra exited and walked past the guards outside the apartment, her head down in shame. She knew they'd talk. She knew there'd be whispers of what she'd done.

I have to get clean. I have to wash him off.

Levi was no longer the last man she'd slept with. She'd tainted her body with someone else. She couldn't lie in bed and remember Levi's body aligned with hers any longer, cherishing the thought that he had been the last one to touch her. She'd erased him in her immediate sensual memory.

I'm a monster without you, Levi. I'm a terrible mother. I'm a shitty friend and daughter. I slept with the wrong man.

He was all that had been good about her, and he was gone.

Petra staggered through the moonlit corridors, weeping. Why hadn't she done as Ingrid said? Why hadn't they left on the afternoon train? Then this nightmare would never have happened.

Petra disgusted herself. She despised herself.

She couldn't breathe here. She hurried out the nearest side door into the garden, and raced along the path she'd taken earlier yesterday. Her slippered feet slapped the mud; it had rained a bit around midnight. Petra pumped her arms as she ran, trying to get away from what she'd done.

But she couldn't. Not ever.

She slipped and sprawled out in the mud. She dug her fingers into the earth and cried. She cried over and over. Petra lifted her face skyward, but he wasn't there. If he'd watched what she'd just done, he'd have been mortified. How could he love her after this?

Except he was gone, and he couldn't be mortified because he didn't exist anymore.

Petra's sobs wracked her body as she curled into a ball and hugged her knees.

"Levi," she gasped. She gave a high, keening wail. "Levi, please…"

---

Death was blue. He hadn't expected that.

He opened his eyes and saw an endless expanse of blue.

Death also hurt. In the ribs, especially.

He tried to push himself to sit up, but a sharp pain lanced through his side. It felt like a spear sticking into him. He flopped back down, which hurt worse. He groaned.

Overhead, he saw a bird wheeling through the sky. He lifted a hand to reach for it.

"Hey," he croaked. "Fuck's a bird doing here?"

It began to occur to him that he was not dead. Which was a giant fucking surprise. The seagull cawed and flew off to find fish or something. He heard the slosh of water against rock. He touched his stomach and discovered bandages wrapped around his body. His breath wheezed a little when he exhaled. Not a great sign.

He was lying on a blanket, he realized. He felt sand under his bare heels. The air stank of salt here. He was on a shallow beach. He tried to lift himself once more, but again failed painfully. He lay there, cursing his throbbing head.

"Well, hello."

Someone stood before him. A shirtless someone wearing giant, stupid glasses. Zeke. Fucking. Jaeger.

"He's awake!" Zeke called to someone. He knelt beside Levi, who coughed as the giant monkey man picked up a canteen. "Be prepared is the Cart way." Zeke chuckled as he helped lift Levi's head, tipping the canteen so the man could drink. "Careful. Don't spill. This is a finite supply."

He drank, and choked, and coughed. But then he drank some more, and felt a little better. Levi groaned as Zeke placed his head back down, then popped his monkey ass on a rock at Levi's feet so the man could see him easily.

"Now then." Zeke grinned. "You probably have questions."

Note: This interlude is crucial to much of what's going to come in the rest of the story. I promise I didn't do it to be edgy or troll people.