Zeke relished any opportunity to regale listeners with what he considered to be his superior storytelling abilities. Unfortunately, he'd been mostly unconscious for much of what had transpired on the Hizuran ship, so he'd left it to Pieck to fill in the details for him. Pieck was, as expected, very succinct and clear. Every detail had to be exactly right. Unfortunately, it left much to be desired in the way of spicing things up.
Ah well. One couldn't have everything.
Here is what he had been told, more or less:
The Hybernian ship had gotten him right through his titan's neck, a fairly ingenious shot. If it had been only an inch or two further to the right, Zeke would have been done for. Instead, the shock left him utterly incapacitated. He collapsed from the ship in his titan form, and lay facedown in the ocean. His nape was exposed, but he wouldn't have been able to harden in order to protect himself if his life depended on it. As it very surely may have.
Fortunately, that gave Pieck in her titan form an excellent opportunity to retrieve him. The instant he'd gone overboard, she'd leapt off the ship as well. Apparently she'd already surmised why the Hybernians were firing at them, and why they were going completely for the hull rather than the guns. Dear little Pieck. Such a mind. Anyway.
The Cart Titan had swum to Zeke and bitten him out at the nape, holding the man in its mouth as it paddled around until it finally submerged in the water, rather like a hippo.
This was one part of titan biology Zeke had never really considered before, though it should have been obvious. Titans had no organs, after all, apart from the stomach. No heart, no kidneys. No lungs.
A titan didn't need to breathe.
When Pieck went under the water in her titan form, she did not have to surface for air, not for some time. Eventually, she'd need to go back to the surface to give her Cart Titan direct sunlight, or it would start to break down. But she could stay underwater for upwards of twenty minutes at a time.
As it turned out, that was the thing that saved their lives.
This next part Zeke bitterly regretted not being awake for. Pieck had been paddling out to sea, looking for a place to hide underwater until the attacking ship had gone, when she felt the indescribable impulse to turn around. Call it instinct. Call it fate. Call it looking out for sharks. But turn she did, just in time to see a small, flailing figure plunge into the ocean. Her instincts had been invaluable; that figure was none other than Levi Ackerman.
Pieck, knowing that the man was priceless to Paradis and that his survival might net the Marleyan shifters substantial benefits from King Erwin, immediately began paddling to retrieve him, hoping he would not drown before she could get there.
And then came Zeke's favorite part of the story, the one-in-a-million shot that really added some pizzazz.
The Hybernians breached the hull at that exact moment, detonating the thousands of barrels of powder the Hizurans had on board. It created an enormous explosion, the shock waves of which could absolutely be felt underwater. As the Cart Titan braced for impact, the explosion literally hurtled Levi Ackerman through the water like a rag doll, projecting him directly towards Pieck. (Zeke relished the image of the man flopping around like a noodle. If only he could have seen it.) Pieck knew that she would have one and only one chance; if she didn't catch him now, they would both be caught in the blast and separated, and he would almost surely drown.
So just as the man was mere feet away, still tumbling through the ocean, and just as the blast was about to catch the titan itself, brave Pieck opened her mouth and swallowed Levi Ackerman in half a second.
(Zeke did actually remember some of this part. He remembered being shocked when a wall of water splashed over him for an instant. Then he remembered not being alone, with Levi at his side, before he passed out again.)
The explosion knocked Pieck's titan far out to sea, and it was something of a miracle the Cart hadn't been damaged, and that Pieck had been able to keep her jaws shut and preserve the lives of her cargo. But being the excellent young woman she was, Pieck had managed to save herself and her allies. The blast didn't kill her, and a moment later she'd righted herself. Now Pieck made a sensible choice at this juncture: she knew that, while help was likely on the way, it would probably not arrive for another twenty minutes at least, and the Hybernians might be on the lookout for any Hizuran survivors. So Pieck elected to wait underwater for half an hour, at which point she would resurface to find the Hybernians gone and, almost certainly, a rescue ship. It was frankly a brilliant plan.
There had only been one small problem.
"The damn Southwest Stream," Zeke grumbled. Levi remained mostly conscious and a (somewhat literally) captive audience member. "Pieck got caught in the current, and it carried her—and us—away. It wasn't perceptible at first, but by the time she'd caught on and surfaced, she found herself in the middle of the ocean with no one in sight. She opened her mouth to give us some air while she thought of the next step. Finally, she determined the best bad course of action was to let the stream take us where it would. It just so happened that there was a smaller collection of very much deserted islands along the way. So she made land, and we bandaged your ribs and set up camp, and here you are." Zeke grinned, feeling that he'd added some flair to the story despite being unconscious and in a mouth for most of it. "Now is that some kind of lad's adventure tale or what?"
Levi glared.
"I'll take your silence as agreement." Zeke felt a bit irritated, really. Drama was clearly wasted on this rudimentary man. "Ah. Here's the lady of the hour."
"Hello." Pieck climbed down a rough section of rock to stand beside Zeke on the shallow beach. "I'm sorry to do this, but we're going to have to move you soon. The tide's coming in."
"How…" Levi coughed. Pieck picked up the canteen and helped him drink a bit more. "Thanks. How long…I been out?" he croaked.
"Almost a full day." Pieck screwed the cap back on the canteen. "I'm not a doctor, but Zeke and I assessed your situation to the best of our ability. First of all, you must have taken a lot of internal damage from the blast. I'm honestly amazed you're still alive."
"The Ackerman genes work their magic." Zeke grinned. Levi ignored him.
"How bad…?"
"Obviously I can't tell the extent of the damage to your organs. Several of your ribs are broken, though. We did what we could with the bandages. Also, I'm a little afraid one of the broken ribs is pressing on your lung." Pieck frowned. "You're all right for the moment. But I hope we get rescued soon, because I don't know how long you'll hold together. I'm sorry. That's just the truth."
"S'fine." Levi didn't seem to have contempt for Pieck as he did Zeke. Hmmf. "But how… we gon… get help?"
"That is the ultimate question," Zeke said, muscling in on the conversation because he liked feeling important. "Unfortunately, given that the Hizuran battlecruiser exploded into a smoking shell, it's unlikely they'll believe there were survivors. And if they look for any, they probably won't look as far as we've gone. They almost certainly think we're dead. Honestly? I'd think the same in that situation."
Levi groaned, muttered 'Petra.' How appallingly sentimental.
"I got into my titan form and swam out for several miles in every direction," Pieck said. "In the end, all I discovered was that sharks enjoy taking bites out of titans. I had to turn back."
"So…we're fucked," Levi grumbled. He frowned.
"Well, you certainly are," Zeke said. "Most of the supplies Pieck was carrying were fine. We have enough food and water for a two week stay, if we ration sparingly. However, you probably don't have that long. I hate to say it, but if we don't find anyone to rescue us I don't give you even a week. Not in the state you're in."
Levi grunted. Even dreadfully injured and incapacitated, he looked like a small, angry bulldog.
"Bet you… like this… Beardy."
"On the contrary." Zeke sat on a rock nearer to Levi. "I'm determined to save your life. You just so happen to be my ticket to Paradis." Zeke chortled. "If I save you, King Erwin will be sure to reward me amply. He'll at least permit me a visit to your fair island shores."
"So you… can see… Eren."
"Brotherly love. Is there anything like it?" Levi didn't answer that. "We're doing our best to keep you out of the sun and hydrated. We also have this." Zeke waved to Pieck, who went and fetched the flare gun. He showed it to Levi. "Unfortunately, the flares were in one of the pockets that got mostly destroyed. This is the last one that was usable. We have to hope that sometime in the next few days, a plane will pass overhead or a ship will float by. We'll need a round the clock watch. Unfortunately, I don't know if you can help in your condition."
Levi wheezed. Even his wheeze sounded threatening.
"I'll… make it… bitch."
"You know, considering everything I've done for you a tiny bit of gratitude wouldn't be amiss." Zeke scowled. Pieck walked off, and a minute later there was the lightning of her titan explosion. She crawled back to them in her Cart form, then delicately slid Levi into her mouth, so that only his head emerged between her lips. She carried him carefully as she would a baby bird, crawling back over the rocks to their camp.
"What…the fuck…" Levi whispered as he was taken away in a giant mouth.
Zeke looked out to sea, the wind whipping through his hair. Yes. There would be a ship.
There had to be.
Erwin startled awake and sat up. Sunlight poured in through the windows. The morning was already advanced. He touched his hair and looked to the other side of the bed. The blankets were pushed aside from where she'd gotten out. She was gone. She…
"What the fuck have I done?"
Last night, he'd been fueled by so many things. Lust. Grief. Hope, even, that Levi would be closer to Erwin as he engaged in that particular coupling.
But now, in the sober light of day, he saw just what he'd done to her. Erwin put his head in his hand. He should have said no. He should have stopped it. She was half out of her mind with grief and exhaustion. She had told him to do it, it hadn't been rape, but it had been taking advantage of the situation. He had also been mourning, but he had been of fully sound mind. He'd done it because he knew he might not get the opportunity again.
Because he'd wanted to.
First Hybernia. Now this. You are pure scum.
Erwin got out of bed, got washed and dressed, and went to his parlor. He sat down in the armchair he'd been in last night when she…
He hated that even the thought of it filled him with desire.
You ought to be in hell. The end of your "term" can't come soon enough.
He'd turned into a beast. He was an animal, not a man, much less a god. How could he ever face her again? He'd sworn to Levi he would take care of Petra…and instead he'd indulged himself at her expense.
I'm a fucking monster.
Erwin leaned his elbows on his knees and stared at the floor.
"Papa?"
The little voice came just outside of his door. Then a child's cries started.
"Papa. Papaaaa." Kuchel's crying grew louder, and it sounded like she was wandering past his door and down the hall. Quickly, Erwin opened the door and saw her toddling off, dressed in her little nightgown. He heard her sniffling.
"Kuchel?" he said. She turned. Her little face was stained with tears. Seeing him made her scrunch up her face and cry harder.
"Unwin, where my Papa?" She cried harder, her face turning red. The two guards both looked stricken, unsure what to do. He knelt before the child.
"Sweetheart, where's your Mama and Grandma?"
"Sleepin'. B-But I m-miss my Papa." She gave those big, heaving sobs that only small children can manage. "Why can' I see him? I w-wanna see him."
"I know, sweetheart. I know." Shit. He put his arms around Kuchel, felt soft surprise when she hugged him back. God, the little girl looked so like Levi. "Let me walk you back to your Mama right now," he said. He picked her up and carried her towards the Ackerman apartment. His heart felt heavier with every step; how could he face Petra? Kuchel kept sniffling, but hugged him around his neck. "Do you want to know something?" he asked. She sniffed; perhaps that was a yes. "I lost my Papa when I was a little boy."
"Hmm? You did?" She seemed shocked by that; perhaps she couldn't believe Erwin had ever been a little boy.
"I did. It made me so sad. Sometimes it still makes me sad. It's okay to be sad about this, Kuchel."
"I know." She rubbed a chubby little fist into her eye.
"But eventually, you're going to start feeling better. When I was a little boy, I didn't think I'd ever stop being sad. But then one day, it wasn't so hard anymore. And soon all I could remember was the good times with my Papa." And the fact that I got him killed with my stupidity. But that wouldn't have been a good thing to add. "Your Papa loved you more than anything."
"I miss him." She started crying again. Her nose was running. Thankfully, he had a handkerchief on hand.
"I miss him too. Your Papa was the best friend I've ever had." It was true. So true. And he'd done that to his best friend's widow at the height of her grief. Erwin had to look away from the child's innocent eyes. "Do you know something?"
"Wha?" She sniffed.
"I made your Papa a promise a while ago. I said that if he ever went away, that I would look after you." Kuchel sucked her thumb now. She looked at him with those big, hopeful eyes. "And that's just what I'm going to do. You're one of the most important people in the whole world to me, Kuchel. You and your Mama. And I won't ever leave you. I promised your Papa, and I promise you."
God, he wasn't going to be able to do this…
To his surprise, the little girl nestled her head against his shoulder.
"Real promise?" she whimpered.
"Very real."
Kuchel snuggled more against him. "Love you, Unwin."
His heart contracted. He hugged her.
"I love you, too."
And he couldn't help but imagine just a little, just for a moment, that he was seated with Kuchel on his knee and Petra alongside him, Levi's second baby cradled in her arms. He pictured himself in that small, safe knot. First he'd have to apologize and atone for what he'd done, of course, but…Petra had sought him out, hadn't she? She must have liked him a little, at least. Levi wasn't coming back, though it broke his heart to admit. Still. It would be so easy and pleasant to look after his little family, to slip into the man's role.
She came to me once. She might come to me again, once she's had time to process her grief.
It was too much to hope, gaining entrance to that family unit. But he would never feel closer to Levi than he would with his children. Or his wife.
Perhaps, Erwin thought, in a year or so, there might be a way to make this transgression of his honorable. Petra would never feel for him what she had for Levi, but—
You're already married. You want to make her your second mistress? You bastard.
Erwin sighed, and walked on.
Petra lay in her bed and stared at the ceiling. She'd lain here for two hours and watched the first rays of the sun paint themselves across the room. Her heart had quieted; her breathing was steady.
She felt like a husk of herself, but at least she was calm.
Oi. Brat.
She turned to look at Levi lying next to her. She could still just picture him. Petra smiled, but didn't dare reach out to touch him. It would spoil the illusion.
"I miss you so much," she whispered. Her eyes filled with tears. "I'm so sorry."
I'm dead, Petra. You're not. Kuchel and the baby aren't. You can't pull this shit anymore. You have to be there for them.
When she blinked, he was gone. But his words stayed in her mind as she got up and went to the bathroom. She washed her face, and as she looked in the mirror and saw herself, she had to look away. She really had done it, hadn't she?
She was so weak.
But Petra remembered learning from Levi in training. Going through conditioning programs. Just because you're weak now doesn't mean you have to stay weak.
You could always get stronger if you put in the work.
She turned off the water and toweled her face. She brushed her teeth and her hair. She picked out clothes and put them on. She was mechanical now, functioning more than living. But the crisis was over. It couldn't come back. She couldn't allow it to.
I've been acting like a girl. Like that girl I used to be.
She had to stop being a girl. She needed to be a woman, a mother, someone who kept her shit together. The very thought of the things she'd done last night almost sent her to the floor with shame, but in a way last night had given her what she needed. Not pleasure, no. Not happiness. Clarity.
She saw what she could never be or do ever again. Kuchel needed her to be more than that. So did the baby.
Petra walked through the apartment, headed for her mother's room.
Really, these past four years she'd been living a faerie tale. She'd been so spoiled. She'd gotten her prince and enjoyed an ecstatic sort of love. How could that have sustained itself for decades? And even if it could have, Petra had lived too charmed a life. The man she adored, a baby she desperately wanted, renown and acclaim for her actions, money and wealth and power. How dare she fall apart when other people lived without any of that?
Sooner or later, the debt would have been called in. No one could have everything.
She gently opened the door to her mother's room. She saw Ingrid's sleeping form in the bed, and crept over. Petra sat down as Ingrid stirred.
"Hmm? Petra?"
"Mama. I need to—" Petra glanced on the other side of the bed. The empty side. "Mama, where's Kuchel?"
"Wha? She's right…" Ingrid perked up the instant she saw her granddaughter was gone. "Kuchel?"
They went into the living room, calling for Kuchel. Petra's heart palpitated when she saw the front door was ajar. The girl must have let herself out and gone wandering. Not that she was in a dangerous place, but who knew where she'd gone? Or if she'd somehow wandered out of the palace itself? Cursing, Petra ran to the door and flung it open—
"Oh. Forgive me."
Erwin had his hand raised, about to knock. The sight of him sent the memories of last night crashing over Petra in a wave. She wanted to throw up.
"Mama." Kuchel sucked her thumb.
But she heaved a sigh of relief when she saw Kuchel in the king's arms. Hastily thanking Erwin, not looking at him, Petra took Kuchel and carried her into the room. Kuchel looked concerned.
"Mama. You mad at me?"
"No, sweetheart. No." Petra kissed her daughter's forehead. "I was just worried. Grandma and I didn't know where you went."
"Unwin got me." She sucked her thumb again. That little face looked so much like Levi's. Petra was going to cherish it doubly now. She kissed Kuchel's cheek again and again.
"Baby, Mama is so sorry about last night. I got mad at you when I shouldn't have. I know you miss Papa."
"Mmmhmmm." Kuchel sniffed. Then she hugged Petra. "I love you, Mama."
"We're gonna be okay, yeah? I'm gonna be a lot better. You just need to give Mama a little time, but I love you more than anything in the world. And as long as you need to cry, you can cry."
Kuchel gave her a little kiss. "Can I go get Gretel now?"
Her favorite doll. "Of course you can. One more hug."
Petra hugged her daughter, and felt everything inside of her aligning. This was okay. This was good. She put Kuchel down and the girl raced back to her bedroom. Ingrid smiled, then looked a bit wary.
"Anything we can do for you, Majesty?" Ingrid asked.
"Nothing. Petra, I wondered if I could have a moment of your time?"
She shut her eyes. Her heart beat too fast, her stomach cramped. She had never not wanted to do anything as much as she did not want to look at him right now.
Girls run and hide. Women face what they've done.
Petra felt the fear diminish.
"Mama, could you go to Kuchel? This'll only take a second."
Ingrid left, though Petra felt her mother's eyes watching the king until she was completely out of sight. Petra listened to his footsteps drawing nearer.
"Petra. I—"
"I'm so sorry about what happened." She made herself turn around and look him in the face. He was watching her with something like blank surprise. The sight of him only made her flash to last night, when he'd roared like an animal as—
She forced herself to stay calm.
"You're sorry?" he said. "No. I'm the one who should apologize."
"You didn't do anything that I didn't ask you to do."
"But I should have stopped it. You needed me to stop it, and I didn't."
"I think I got what I needed, though it wasn't in the way I expected. I needed to see just how far I'd fallen." She flushed. "Not that our…not that what happened was disgusting or anything. But I needed to see how out of control I'd become. I needed to see that I needed to change. For Kuchel. And the baby."
Erwin looked away. The awkwardness practically sat in the room with them.
"Do you regret it?" He looked at her with a kind of rehearsed calm that let her know he really cared about the answer.
"Levi said to never have regrets. That if you choose the path you regret least in the moment, whatever it is, that you'll live with it just fine." She had to tell the truth. He deserved that much. "But I regret what happened. Even if it gave me that revelation, I really, really wish it hadn't happened at all."
He nodded.
"Good." That's all he said. Not 'same', or 'I agree.'
"I needed to tell you something. I'm resigning from the military."
"Yes. I thought you might."
"It's honestly not because of last night, though that didn't help. I need to focus on my family. Kuchel and the baby are going to need me around a lot more. They need my full attention."
"I completely understand. Though I'll be sad to lose such a competent officer. They don't exactly spring out of the ground everyday."
"No." She managed a smile. They stood in silence a moment; she got the feeling he was getting up the courage to ask something. "Is there anything else?"
"No. Well. Yes. I understand that after last night, you find it hard to be in the same room as me." No judgment, he just stated facts. "But I promised Kuchel I'd be there for her. That it was her father's wish. I made a promise. I said I'd look after the both of you."
Both of them.
He's trying to get Kuchel to be dependent on him. The man in your life.
Her mother's words echoed. Petra thought a moment.
"Of course you can be around for her. You should. But I want to make something very, very clear." She looked him right in the eye. "What happened last night will never happen again. I don't want to be with you in that way. Things are awkward, and it is really and truly my fault, not yours. I'm sorry for that. I think that in time we can go back to being easy with each other. I'd like that. But if there's any part of you that hopes this could lead to something more between us, you need to know right now that it's impossible. I'm very serious."
Erwin did not change his body language or his expression. But she saw something dim in his eye. She realized with a shudder that some part of him had hoped it. Even if he hadn't been consciously aware of it, some part of him had hoped.
"I understand," he said.
"Okay. Thank you. Now I have a favor to ask. Could you have someone take us to the station? We should be packed in about an hour, and I'd like to go home."
"Of course. I'll arrange it. They'll call when the car's ready. Take your time."
Petra smiled at him, a small smile that she hoped read as friendly. Because she did want friendship. Eventually.
"Petra…"
Her body tensed as his calm demeanor cracked a bit; he seemed on the verge of stepping over the line. She looked away, and felt his gaze on her. Then she felt it leave.
"Again. I'm sorry," he said.
"So am I. But thank you for understanding."
He left then, and Petra practically deflated onto the couch. She felt boneless with relief and also dirtier than she had ever been in her life. She rested her head against a pillow. She'd had so little sleep…
Remembering why she'd had no sleep made her feel worse.
"Petra?"
Ingrid stood in the doorway. By the look on her face, Petra knew.
"You listened in?" Her cheeks were flaming. "That was a private conversation."
"I'm sorry. I was coming back to ask you something and I couldn't help myself when I heard…a few things. That was bad of me. I'm sorry."
Petra looked away. "So what? You want to tell me I'm loose and disgusting? You can."
"I'd never say something like that."
"How about this? My husband hadn't been dead for four days when I just had to fuck someone to get my feelings under control. What does that say about me?" She was tearing up now. "Nothing good, that's for fucking sure."
Ingrid sat beside her and started rubbing her back.
"He should be ashamed, not you." Her mother's voice was icy. "He took advantage of you."
"No, he didn't. Maybe it'd sound better if he did, but I asked him to—"
"If you were in anything like the state I saw you in before that happened, he should never have gone through with it. You needed someone to help you, not use the situation to his advantage."
"You're being too hard on him. It was my choice."
"Yes. It was. But you weren't the only one who chose. I know the king's hurting, but you're the widow. Your grief trumps his. Levi made him promise to look after you? How was that looking after you?"
"Please stop. I don't want to argue." Petra was crying now. The feelings were coming back. Not as powerful as before. She could control them. But they hurt.
Her mother hugged Petra. She relaxed into the embrace. She needed to be held. Actually held, in a way that made her feel more stable.
"I was very proud of you. I thought you handled that situation very, very well."
Petra sniffed. "Thank you."
"Now. Do you want to help me pack Kuchel's things?"
Petra wiped her eyes and got up. "I'd like that more than anything."
"I'm not… playing… this f… ucking game," Levi wheezed. Sure to shit wished he could get a full breath, and that his ribs would stop feeling like shattered glass inside of him. His coughs were wet now. That wasn't a great sign.
"Fine." Zeke sounded kinda sulky. Pissy ape. "Pieck, you're good at charades." Then Zeke put his palms together and opened them back up. The fuck?"
"Book," Pieck said instantly. She was seated alongside Levi. The sun had just gone down on the horizon, and the Marleyans had built a pretty decent campfire. Thank fuck for their supplies. Though they couldn't last…
It was day two of their stay on the island. Levi was starting to feel his clock running down.
Petra. He just wanted her to know he was alive. Even if he died right after, he wanted her to know his death hadn't been violent.
"Three words. First word, small. Uh, A, An, The… The! Okay."
Zeke held up two fingers. Second word. Levi wanted to stab his own eyes out. The bearded asshole began to jab at the air, flicking his arm up and down and doing big lunges. If the last thing Levi saw before he died was Zeke Jaeger prancing around on a deserted island, looking like he was having a fit, Levi was gonna be pissed.
"Battle. Sword. Um, war? Cut. Slash. Fight."
Zeke beamed, pointed at her, and then started moving his hands like he was stretching something.
"Fight? Fighting?" Pieck smiled as she got another 'that's right' gesture. "Okay. The Fighting…what?"
"Sure can't… wait… to find out," Levi growled.
Zeke gave him a filthy look. Heh. Then the monkey held up three fingers and tapped four fingers on his arm. Four syllables. Fuck, this would never end.
Mercifully, Pieck seemed to know the book already.
"The Fighting Declaration."
"Exactly right!" Zeke clapped his hands, then went to the cans of food they had roasting over the fire, jimmied together with some makeshift contraption Pieck had devised. Smart girl. Zeke took out a couple of rudimentary bowls, plucked one of the cans up with the aid of his shirt, and dumped the contents into the bowl. Wow. Tasty. Zeke came over to them, stirring the contents with a spoon. "Pieck, you go ahead and have the other bowl. Let me know when you're done, I'll take it for my supper."
The girl got up and went to the fire while Zeke knelt before Levi. Levi got the unsettling feeling he knew where this was going.
"What… now?"
"Considering I'm trying to feed you from my own hand so you don't starve to death, you might consider being a little more grateful." Zeke spooned some beans and extended them to Levi. "Now open up."
"I'll… do it… myself," he rasped, taking the spoon from Zeke's hand. He stuck it in his mouth, eyes watering because it was a little fucking hot. But he couldn't show the ape that. "Good."
He allowed Zeke to hold out the bowl for him. That much he could stand.
"It's funny, isn't it?" Zeke grinned; the campfire light reflected on his glasses. "You've told me over and over how you'll kill me and mount my head on your wall. Now that you're incapacitated, what am I doing? My best to keep you alive, that's what."
"Only… cause… it helps… you." Levi started to cough. Fuck, something was really rattling in his throat now. He struggled to breathe in the position in which he lay, and propping himself on his elbows made it feel like someone was skewering him. Zeke put the bowl down and helped lift Levi. He hated it, but the monkey was really helping. He could breathe again. The coughing passed. Zeke laid him back down, albeit with another tarp propping up his head for more elevation.
"You really think there's no part of me that wants to reunite a loving father with his precious little daughter? Or an overly amorous husband with his nymphomaniac spouse?"
"I know… enough words… to know I'll kill you for that," he growled.
"Not yet. Let's get off this island first."
Pieck came over, scraping the bottom of the bowl. She handed it to Zeke.
"Your turn. I'll sit with him." Like Levi was a fucking baby. But then, he'd prefer Pieck's company to this asshole's. Zeke went to get his dinner, and Pieck picked up the bowl.
"No… luck today?" he asked, taking a wobbly spoonful of beans.
"I don't want to go more than three miles out in any direction. I'm afraid I won't find my way back if I don't have a visual on the island."
"Not much… of an island… is it?"
An island implied shit like running water and green trees and animals and life. This was more like a sandy rock fifty yards long. No natural vegetation; Hange'd notice that. Hange. Fuck. At least she hadn't been on the ship when it exploded. Erwin and Petra were safe, too. That was something.
"I ask… something? How long… you think…"
She understood what he implied. The girl pulled up her knees and hugged them. She was an odd looking girl, with long, unkempt dark hair and a round, short face. She might've been even shorter than him. Miracles happen. She also went around barefoot, but that was probably just the fun of island living.
"This is day two." She didn't look away from him. "I think you have three more days. At best. Without real medical intervention. Honestly, the fact that you're alive at all is kind of insane."
Ackermans. Zeke said it was the Ackerman thing.
"Get… Beardy," he croaked. Pieck got up and went for Zeke, who approached looking somewhat surprised. Rarely did Levi invite him to sit down for a conversation. "So. Ackermans. What… do you know?"
Zeke's eyebrows lifted. "Ah yes. Our little conversation just before the fireworks started."
"What… do you know?" he growled. Enough bullshit.
"Well. I know only what Mr. Xavier wrote down in his research. Much of what he learned came from ancient texts, you understand, and some documentation. A few journal entries. Truthfully, we all half-believed it was a myth. But we know this much: your ancestor, a great times who knows how many grandfather, was Ezra Ackerman. King Fritz the fourth prized him above any other soldier in his army. Fritz prized Ezra so much that he had ancient alchemists and other early scientists experiment on Subjects of Ymir, looking for a way to instill the physical strength of a titan into the body of a human. We don't know how many 'subjects' they went through. We only know that it took three years from the project's inception to its fulfillment. They bestowed upon Ezra a most terrible strength. Ezra was Fritz's loyal subject, and he promised the king that all who followed in his bloodline would serve the ruler of Eldia until the seas boiled and the sky fell in pieces. Other poetic nonsense; I'm sure Ezra didn't actually say that. You Ackermans don't seem a whimsical breed."
Levi glared. Zeke wisely stopped joking around.
"The Ackermans aren't able to become pure titans or shifters. Something to do with having a titan's powers already, plus…well, it's PATHS related. For over six hundred years your family served the kings and queens of Eldia. There were even bad jokes about how Ackermans were the royals' preferred lap dogs. But your family grew in power and wealth. Until they disappeared with the king behind the walls of Paradis. No one knew what became of them." His eyes narrowed. "Judging by your upbringing and the fact only two of you were left when I arrived, I assume it was nothing good."
"We defied… the king," Levi wheezed. Zeke cocked a brow.
"Now that interests me. And it adds a little wrinkle to the pet theory I've been toying with. I've heard how attached your cousin is to my brother. Same way you seem glued to your own Commander—sorry, King Erwin Smith. At first, upon seeing this devotion in action, I wondered if there might be some genetic predisposition towards service. My initial theory was that you mentally bound yourself to a 'liege' when they appeared, but that seems wrong. Your ancestors defied King Fritz, and you yourself have argued with and defied King Erwin. So it's not a form of slavery, and it's not genetic in the way that your Ackerman powers are. But…" Zeke pulled his beard. "My other theory concerns PATHS."
"Huh?"
"You know enough about PATHS, yes? It's how the Founding Titan sends instructions to Subjects of Ymir. How the Founder reshapes its people as it sees fit." He grew quiet a minute, lost in thought. "Yes. Anyway, Mr. Xavier had a theory that Ackermans have their own PATHS. They're accessible by the Founder, but the Founder has no power over the Ackermans. It can't change their bodies or manipulate their memories. Think of PATHS, then, as a road. The road leads the Founder to the Subjects of Ymir, and when the subjects die, they walk the PATHS. They become the PATHS, in a way. It's sort of a storage unit, if you will, for every single Eldian who has ever lived. The Founder's supposed to have access to all Eldians living and dead. If the theory holds, that is."
"What's… this mean?" He was getting tired.
"Sorry, I ramble when I theorize. Here's my point: Ackermans have their own PATHS. You're all supposedly so good at fighting when you 'awaken' because you automatically inherit the fighting abilities of every Ackerman who has lived before you. So if your titan strength and your Ackerman fighting skills are given to you the moment you 'awaken', perhaps there's a secondary characteristic in there. A faint echo across hundreds of years, suggesting that you serve 'the king.' And if there is no king to serve, you might decide to follow another charismatic leader instead. You aren't compelled by your blood to follow Erwin Smith in the sense that you're a slave, or you're destined to do so. Rather, you follow Erwin Smith because it's 'in the breed'. Part of your nature. You chose your 'liege.' You can choose to defy him. You're a free man, but your ancestors whisper that you need to serve. Serve the king." Zeke looked kind of smug, proud of himself. "Yes. I think I like this theory."
"That… it?"
"Well. I also had the idea that 'awakened' Ackermans become inherently moody and anti-social, between you and your cousin. But that might just be because you're both highly strung and sour people."
"You… fucking…"
Zeke got up.
"I'm going to keep you alive, Levi. I'm getting off this island, and I'm getting to Paradis. And right now, you have no choice but to hope I succeed."
With that, Zeke walked all of, like, eighteen feet to the other side of the island. Not a lot of room for privacy around here. Levi lay there as Pieck resumed her place at his side. The kid looked out at the miles of ocean, and seemed real quiet. Real withdrawn. He preferred that to Zeke's endless bullshitting.
"They're not… looking for us… are they?"
"I don't know. If they are, they're not looking this far south. Or west. I suppose I can't blame them; who'd think we could have made it this far? However far this is."
Petra. Kuchel. The baby. He had to get back. He'd force his heart to beat and his lungs to work. If he was an Ackerman, he should be able to do that much at least.
"So… It's just… luck?"
Pieck nodded. "Or someone figures out where we might be. But that seems incredibly unlikely."
Hange had cleared out of the barracks. For the first time in her adult life, she was a private citizen and needed an apartment. She also made the unhappy discovery that she hadn't saved much of the meager cash she was given over the years. She knew if she appealed to Erwin, he'd give her the funds to start over. But she wasn't going to ask him for shit.
She knew Petra would gladly put her up in some estate and give her whatever she needed. But Petra had enough to deal with right now.
No. Hange was gonna do this on her own. Whatever 'this' was.
Right now, 'this' was sitting in a single room apartment in Mitras, her funds almost spent since the landlord required a full month's deposit and also overcharged for the damn place. But Hange was at least free here. She didn't have to go along with genocide.
Yippee.
She didn't have much. What she did have was in boxes around the room. She picked up a whole armful of things in one box marked OFFICE and dumped it all on the table. The single table in the single room. Then she pulled up the single chair and started sifting through everything, not having a clue where the hell to put any of it.
She'd never been organized at the best of times.
Hange put all her pens and pencils into a tin cup, placed that on the windowsill. Then she leafed through all her papers, none of which were in the right order. She put them down on her bed, exhausted already. She took out a funny little toy cat Kuchel had given her as a midwinter present—the kid thought it was just what Hange needed. She smiled warmly at the thought of Levi's little girl.
Levi.
Hange was just spreading out several of her maps when another wave of grief hit. The one good thing she would've had by staying in the service was work. Working meant less brooding. But now her best friend's death slammed into her all over again. She leaned her elbows on the table, atop a map of Hizuru and the surrounding oceans, and put her head in her hands.
Levi was dead. How? How was it possible? She sniffed, pushed up her glasses and wiped her eyes. Eye. He had survived the unsurvivable time and time again, and now this? Starting over was hard, but not nearly as hard as starting over without him to rag on her. To chew her out for her sloppy housekeeping. To share a drink and laugh with—well, the laughing was always on her part. But still.
What was her life now? Erwin was dead to her. Levi was dead. The military was in the past. Who needed a research scientist on Paradis? The government controlled everything science related. Maybe she could book a ticket to Marley. Now that Liberio was Eldian-tolerant, maybe she could find work…
"Levi." She sniffed again. She looked down at the map, let her eye trail back and forth. She'd marked in pencil where the Hizuran battlecruiser had gone down, just to see if there were any islands even within twenty miles of the thing. But there weren't.
They didn't survive. There's no way.
Petra had tried to fight them on it, and Hange had had to force the poor woman to see reality. God, the woman was a wreck. Hange had stood in the crowd and watched Erwin deliver Levi's eulogy. She'd watched Petra. The woman looked like a shell of her former self.
Petra was strong, but she was also emotional. Highly emotional. Always had been. Hopefully, she could find her way through.
And Erwin's speech… All those cheering, screaming citizens shouting his name as he threatened the nations of the world…
What's happening to our island?
Hange sniffed again, and looked down at the spot on the map where Levi had died. Then she rolled the map up and put it on a shelf. She went back and picked up—
Wait.
The hair on the back of her neck rose, the way it always did when her intuition was ahead of her conscious mind. Hange unrolled the ocean map again and laid it out on the table. She stared at the spot. She looked around it again. Ridiculous. There was nothing there. Nothing. No islands. No safe harbors.
Only the ocean. Her eyes traced to Hizuru and back, north to south, east to west. What was her gut trying to tell her? Screaming to tell her? She looked across at the—
Southwest Stream. An ocean current that flowed in a lazy S, starting near Hizuru and wending its way down to eastern Nambia.
The Hizurans reported that they'd found traces of titan disintegration. Titan. Not titans. A long shot, but…what if one shifter had survived? Pieck's Cart was highly durable, the strongest of them all in that way. Suppose… Just suppose…
But it'd been five days since the ship went down. Even if they'd escaped in the stream, they'd be dead by now.
Unless…
Hange grabbed a pencil from her cup, knocking the rest to the floor with a clatter. She didn't care. Biting her lip, she went back to the spot of the destruction. It was right next to the Southwest Stream. She traced the stream in its lazy curve fifty miles, sixty miles south.
There, scattered like breadcrumbs, was a tiny section of islands. The Gallian Islands. Not really islands, more like small sealife preserves, places where seals sunned themselves, but…
It was very unlikely. It was nearly impossible.
Nearly.
At the very least, she had to know.
Hange grabbed the map, grabbed her coat, and slammed out the door. She raced down the steps, her heart going so fast she feared it'd explode and leave her dead in the street. She ran towards the palace, her arms pumping fast. It was a ten minute run, but she couldn't afford a cab. Or a bus. She had to go fast…had to go fast…
Maybe. Just maybe.
Levi. Maybe.
She was in sight of the palace when she practically leapt into the street and nearly got hit by a car. It screeched to a stop. Hange jumped back, hand on the hood to steady herself. The driver shouted at her, shaking his fist. She paid no mind. She got to the sidewalk and ran and ran.
Erwin. We have to… We have to…
"Was that Hange?" Petra turned in her seat, shocked as the woman sprinted away with a rolled up paper in her hand. Petra started to roll down the window.
"Petra. We'll miss the train," Ingrid said. Petra sighed, and the driver kept going. When they were back in Trost, she'd get Hange's new number and call. Petra wasn't the only one who'd lost Levi; she had to try to be there for Hange, too.
Kuchel cuddled against her. Petra hugged the child.
When they got to the station, they just made the train. They put their luggage into a rack overhead, then sat in their compartment. The countryside hurtled past as they made their way south. Petra played dolls with Kuchel, until the little girl started crying out of nowhere again. This time, Petra felt a tremendous sense of calm. She lifted the child onto her lap and held her tight, rocking her.
"It's okay, baby. It'll be okay."
Kuchel hugged her.
Ingrid smiled and nodded.
"I need…to see…the king." Hange had her hands on her knees, and gasped for air. The palace guard wouldn't let her in. She wasn't active military personnel any longer.
"Sorry. The king's indisposed right now. He's had orders handed down not to disturb him for the rest of the afternoon."
Hange reared up and shook the map in the man's face.
"I…have information…about Levi Ackerman." She coughed. "If the captain dies because you wouldn't let me see Erwin, what do you think His Majesty's going to do to you?"
That made the guard turn pale.
"Th-the captain?"
"Get! Erwin!" she shouted. Other guards were approaching her fast, she was going to be hauled off the premises—
"Stop!" The palace guard gestured for her to follow. "Come on."
He led her down the hallways, turning corner after corner until they came to the king's apartments. The guard knocked.
"Majesty?"
No answer. Oh no. Fuck no.
"Erwin!" Hange pushed the guy aside and pounded on the door. "Open up! It's Levi! He…he might still be alive!"
She screamed that. Nothing. No answer. The guard cleared his throat.
"If you leave the message with me, I'll see he gets it as soon as—"
"Levi could still be alive, damn it!" She kicked the door, pulling out of the guards' grasp as they tried to drag her away.
The door opened.
Erwin stood there, the most intense expression on his face she had ever seen.
"Hange?" he croaked. She shoved the map in his face.
"Let me in. Get Kiyomi on the phone. Right now!"
It took her one minute to explain her theory. It took him thirty seconds after that to pick up the phone and get the line to Kiyomi. He paced back and forth, looking increasingly frantic. There was a chance. A small one, but a chance. But it had also been five days. If Levi was badly injured, or if they didn't have any food or water, this was the last day they could conceivably be alive. Every second counted.
"Hello?" Erwin's face turned a shade of bright red. "I don't give a fuck if you have to interrupt her in the middle of an orgasm, get her on the phone!"
Hange sat on the couch, head in her hands. Please. Please.
"Kiyomi?" Erwin perked up. Hange shot to her feet. "Listen to me. Levi might still be alive, as well as at least one of the titan shifters. But if they are, we're running out of time. How close is any of your fleet to the Gallian Islands?"
He had Hange read out the exact coordinates. He explained to Kiyomi exactly what Hange's theory was. Hange watched his face take on shades of pain, and then frustration.
"I understand it's almost impossible. But if I send a ship from Paradis to those islands, and if I find any bodies, so help me…"
He stopped talking, listened. He nodded, nodded again.
"I need confirmation. Kiyomi! I need confirmation that they're on their way! How close?" He shut his eyes. "An hour. There aren't any planes? You said you had one on every cruiser!" He clenched his jaw. "For your own use, yes, I know. When you travel. Damn it, do you not understand how urgent this is?"
Hange had never seen every vein on Erwin's face stand out like that before.
"Just tell me they're on their way. I need to be able to verify this! I…" He nodded again. "Yes. Good. I want details within the hour. If they find nothing, I'm sending my own ships down there to verify. Remember that. Yes. All right. Goodbye."
He slammed the receiver down and paced to the window and back, to the window and back.
"Maybe I'm wrong," Hange croaked. "Maybe I worked you up for nothing."
"This is the only glimmer of a chance we've had in almost a week. There shouldn't even have been a chance. How could there be? It was confirmed! The cruiser was a wreck; they searched twenty miles in every direction. Nothing. Oh god." He collapsed into a chair; she saw him fighting tears. "Please god. Did I give up on him too soon? Maybe he would've still been alive if I'd just checked the surrounding area myself. Why didn't I do that?"
"Petra wanted to go back. We told her it was impossible because it was." Hange rocked back and forth in her seat. "This isn't anyone's fault."
"What've I done? What the hell have I done to him?"
Erwin buried his face in his hands.
Day five.
He had a few lungfuls of breath left. Levi had been given 'guard duty', though at this point they all knew it was sort of pointless. Zeke was taking a nap; he'd been up the whole night on lookout. Pieck was swimming south, looking for a ship.
The flare gun lay in his hand. His eyes scanned the horizon.
It was peaceful to die. Death didn't scare him. Losing his family, his friends, that shit scared him. He had everything. He'd had it all.
Should've known it wouldn't last.
He wasn't going to see his new baby. He wasn't going to give Kuchel another good night kiss, or watch her grow. He wasn't going to lie in Petra's arms and feel her body warming his.
He hoped she'd find someone new. She was still so young.
He also hoped she never would. The thought was a wound.
His eyes slid closed. Pretty soon…it'd be over.
He'd come down with a fever. The broken ribs and punctured lung or whatever hadn't been enough. He was delirious now. Imagined his wife's hands on his face, her lips on his. How could he have expected to keep love like that? He hadn't been meant for it. Unnatural.
Soon, he'd pay the price.
Petra. Erwin.
He opened his eyes, probably for the last time.
In his delirium, he saw the cruelest hallucination yet: a ship.
Fuck. His chin quivered. Why would his own mind want to hurt him like that? It looked to be a mile or two out, a sleek cruiser.
On instinct, he picked up the flare gun and raised it skyward. If he pulled the trigger, maybe the phantom ship would see.
This is the only flare. You use it on this bullshit, the other two don't have a chance.
Didn't care about Zeke, but Pieck didn't deserve that.
But what if…what if, just what if, that was a real ship? This was their one in a million chance; if that ship passed, there wouldn't be another. He knew it.
But if it wasn't real…
"Zeke," he croaked. Let the monkey tell him if it was real. "Zeke!"
But the bastard slept on. Levi had to make the choice.
His arm couldn't hold much longer. If he wanted to pull the trigger, he had to pull it now. If the ship was real, he was saved. If it wasn't, he had about an hour until it didn't matter either way.
It'd screw Pieck over, but maybe she and Zeke could float out of here. Maybe the stream would carry them someplace else without Levi's dead weight.
He had to choose. Choose right now. Levi sighed. He started to lower his arm; couldn't chance it.
And as he did, his finger spasmed and he pulled the trigger.
The flare shot off like a rocket, going across the water instead of high into the air. He heard Zeke's harsh snort as he awoke. Finally, the bitch was up.
"What the…?" Zeke scrambled towards Levi. "Did you fire the flare? Why? Why did you…?"
Levi's eyesight was going, but he saw Zeke standing there in open mouthed wonder. The guy had gotten pretty sunburned the last few days. He was red and pink all over.
"Oh my god. Oh my—"
He ran away, and then an instant later came the lightning of a titan explosion. The hot wind rushed over Levi. If the ship—which apparently was real—hadn't seen the flare, they'd see that lightning.
Huh. Good for Pieck.
Fuck Zeke.
The flare gun tumbled from his hand. Levi went limp.
He went away.
"Let's just put your things away, then we'll go to Auntie Brigitta's."
Petra let Kuchel into the house and heard the phone ringing. Ingrid took the little girl upstairs as Petra dragged their bags into the hall, then picked up the phone.
"Hello?" A dial tone. They must have hung up. Huh. Probably a condolence call. She shut her eyes. She just…wasn't ready for that. She had to be, but she wasn't.
Petra took the bags upstairs, and stood in her bedroom doorway. She looked at her bed, where he should have been. She thought of waking him up with breakfast in bed on their anniversary, Levi grumbling about crumbs as she poured him tea. She'd kissed his face as he tried eating, as he muttered to let him enjoy in peace. She'd giggled as she snatched toast and wouldn't give it back.
The memories burned. She sat down heavily on the bed. Two silent tears rolled down her cheeks.
One day. One day the memories would soothe. Just not today.
"Mama? Ready," Kuchel said. Petra wiped her face.
She had a job to do. She was going to do it well.
"Okay, sweetheart." She walked out with a smile on her face. Kuchel clung to her hand and kissed it. Petra's heart melted. "My brave girl."
They went downstairs when the phone rang again. Petra sighed. Honestly, she just didn't want to deal with the I'm sorry's…
"Oh, go on and take it. We'll be outside." Ingrid led Kuchel out the front door. Yes. She couldn't avoid painful things. Best to face everything head on. Petra picked up the phone.
"Ackerman residence." She braced herself for some tearful—
"Petra?" It was Erwin. Oh, shit.
"Um, Erwin, if this is about—"
"It's not that. Hange's here. I…"
She'd never heard him like that. He sounded jumpier than a cat. For some reason, her heart sped up.
"What? Erwin, what?"
"They…they found Levi."
She sat down in the hallway chair. Okay. Okay. At least they'd found a body. That meant the family could have a proper funeral. Kuchel could see her Papa again, even if it was just to say goodbye. Petra could touch him one more time. It was some mercy.
"The body," she said to confirm.
"No. Him. He's alive."
She made some kind of noise she'd never heard before, a noise she didn't know a human could make. Petra got to her knees, dug her nails into the hardwood.
"He's…"
"Please let me finish. They found him and both titan shifters alive on one of the Gallian Islands. But I have to tell you, he's…he's in very bad shape."
No. No, not this. Don't give him back only to take him away again.
"How bad?" she rasped.
"The Hizurans found them an hour ago. They brought them all onboard, but he has an infection and a high fever. He has several broken ribs, and an inflamed lung. In addition, he's malnourished and dehydrated."
"Is he going to get better?" She sounded lifeless.
"They say they've got him on an IV and are trying to estimate the damage to his lungs. These doctors…they're not very specific…"
"Erwin," she growled. "Tell me."
"Right now, they say he has a fifty percent chance of survival."
She started making noises again. He'd been alive. For five days he'd been alive on some island and she'd just abandoned him. She'd abandoned him and she'd…
Oh god.
Somehow, her voice was calm.
"Can I see him?"
"They're sailing to Paradis's southern port. Either way, they're bringing him home. I can't get more confirmation than that at this time."
"When's the ship in?"
"They say tomorrow. Now it's your choice. You can stay in Trost and wait for—"
"What's the second option?"
"Take a cab back to the station. I've alerted them, and they'll have a private train waiting to take you to the coast. Hange and I are headed down the instant we get off the phone with you. We can wait at the camp until we get more information."
"I'm on my way."
"Yes. We'll see you there."
She hung up the phone, then stood. Then fell. She let out a long, long wail.
"Mama?" Kuchel rushed through the door and over to her, her little chin wobbling. These days, crying made her cry.
"Petra?" Ingrid looked afraid.
"It's okay, sweetie." Petra got herself under control and kissed Kuchel's nose. "Um, can you go play in the parlor just one minute? Mama needs to talk to Grandma."
"O-kay." Kuchel looked nervous, but did as asked. Ingrid frowned.
"What the hell—"
"Come here." She dragged her mother into the kitchen. Where to start? How to start? She almost laughed. "He…Mama, he…"
"Petra, what is happening?"
"They found Levi. He's still alive." The absurdity finally got to her. She gave a broken laugh, couldn't control herself. It was better than crying. Her mother looked green.
"What?"
"A Hizuran cruiser. He's bad. Sick. He's got a fifty percent chance. I have to go. There's a train. To port. They're bringing him."
Ingrid grabbed Petra's arms and made her slow. Made Petra tell it over again until she understood everything.
"Oh god," Ingrid whispered.
"I abandoned him. I left him behind. I fucked…oh my god." She almost went to the floor again.
"You can't do this right now." Ingrid was icy and firm. "One step at a time. You need to get to the port. That's the next step. Think about everything after that."
"Okay. Okay."
"What about Kuchel?"
Petra shook her head. "If there's a fifty percent… I can't tell her Daddy's back and then have him die all over again. She can't take it."
"No. You're right. Oh god, Petra."
"Do me a favor? You can tell Papa, but no one else. I don't want to run the risk of Kuchel finding out."
"Yes. Good idea. When will you go?"
"Right now." She hugged her mother and staggered into the hall. She felt woozy. "Kuchel?" Her daughter came over, sucking her thumb. "Grandma's gonna take you to Auntie's house. Mama has to go to the port for a day or two."
"No!" The little face looked stricken. "No Mama, no leave! Don't leave! No!"
It was panic. To Kuchel, walking out the door meant a very good chance of never coming back. Petra knelt.
"I'm going to come home in a couple of days at most. I'm absolutely coming home."
"No, no!" Kuchel started crying again, clutching at Petra and screaming. "Stay! Mama stay!"
She hugged her daughter tight. The girl kept crying. Maybe she should bring Kuchel with her…
"I think Kuchel needs to be in quiet, familiar surroundings," Ingrid said gently. She knew what Petra was thinking. Petra shushed her daughter, kissed Kuchel's cheek.
"I promise I'll come back."
"Papa promised! He promised!" She was bellowing now, clutching at Petra. She bundled her daughter against her and rocked her. Petra couldn't leave until things were calm again.
"Remember how I said Papa's always watching us?" she whispered. "Papa will make sure I come home safe."
"R-Really?" Kuchel sniffled.
"Really. Don't worry. I'll call Grandma tonight and tell you a bedtime story. Okay?"
"Okay." She cried a little more. "Mama, don't go away."
"I will never, ever go away. Ever. You're stuck with me." She lavished kisses on the girl. "I love you more than anything in the entire world. I'll come back."
Five minutes later, Kuchel was as calm as she was going to be. Ingrid took her, and Petra called a cab. Five minutes after that, she was on her way to the station. Her stomach was butterflies and her brain was poison. She'd never known elation like she had when Erwin said Levi was alive.
And she had never hated herself more.
One step at a time. Get to the station. Get to the port. Then we'll see.
Petra made her way to the private train. They sped along on an express rail, no stops. End of the line only.
She sat there and looked out the window. She pictured Levi's reflection in the glass. But when she touched it, she found only herself.
With no one to see her, Petra cried the entire trip down.
She didn't remember much of the rest of that day. She saw Erwin. She saw Hange. She ate dinner. She couldn't remember what anyone said. She called Kuchel and told her a story of three little pigs. She lay on her cot at the camp and thought and thought.
Right now, he could be dead. He could be alive. She didn't know either way. Erwin had called an hour ago, was told he was still hanging in there but also touch and go. That they were shocked a man in such poor condition was still there.
The Ackermans. They were hardy.
Petra did not sleep that night. She didn't care that Erwin was in the nearby tent, or worried about what would happen when they both saw Levi. She thought only of him, his small, surly face, his black hair, his eyes. His hands. She would give up anything—his love, even—if it just meant he could go home to Kuchel.
If he's alive, we'll take the next step. We'll feel guilty then. Not now.
The sun rose. She ate breakfast and tasted nothing. Erwin called the ship again; this time, there was interference. He couldn't talk to anyone. She wanted to break the phones.
Two hours later, she was seated at the lip of the cove, staring pointedly at the horizon. Erwin walked over to her. She barely noticed him.
"It should be soon," he said.
"Yes. Thank you."
"Petra. If he's alive—"
She knew what he was going to say. "That's another step for another time. If he's alive, we'll think about it after. Only after. Okay?"
"Yes." He retired then, and she kept staring and staring, her leg jiggling. How much more? Was she being punished for what she'd done? If so, she deserved it. Not Levi. Not Kuchel. If there was punishment, it should only be Petra's. Just please, please…
And then there was a shape on the horizon. She stood, heart going too fast. She almost didn't want it to be the ship. While she didn't know the answer, there was at least hope. When she had the answer, that hope might be gone forever.
They waited another fifteen minutes for the ship to steam in to port. Longest fifteen minutes of her life. They waited until the Hizurans had settled and set down a ramp.
Zeke Jaeger and Pieck Finger walked down first. Zeke was all smiles. That should have been good news automatically, but if Levi were dead, the man would probably be only too delighted. Oh god. That meant…
And then she saw a couple of Hizurans rolling a stretcher. She saw a blanketed form.
She saw Levi's face. His eyes were closed.
She started running. She ran despite Erwin shouting, and she shoved Zeke Jaeger out of the way. She ran up the ramp, hearing nothing but the blood in her veins. She almost ran into the Hizurans as they were preparing to roll her husband down the—
"Hey. Brat."
He looked up at her. He was looking at her with those flat blue-gray eyes of his, but he was breathing. He even smiled a little.
"Levi?" She clutched the edge of the stretcher. The Hizurans stepped aside, understanding what this was. With a grunt, he pushed himself to a sitting position.
"Fuck. Petra," he whispered. His neutral expression fell away. He looked so relieved.
So happy to see her.
She started sobbing. She put her arms around him and sobbed against his shoulder as he petted her hair. She couldn't get enough of his warmth, or the scent of him.
She was such a monster.
"Oi. Steady. Steady. Don't—" He coughed. "—don't make a damn fuss."
But she held him and cried and cried as he held her tight. He was in her arms. He was here. And she had…
"I'm so sorry." She wailed. "Oh god, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry."
"Baby, you got nothing to be sorry about," he whispered. He kissed her lips. She melted with his kiss.
Oh, but she did have much to be sorry about. So much.
She couldn't stop kissing him, and she couldn't stop crying.