"You need to shift into third. Levi!" She laughed as they bumped along. The hay in the back of the truck bounced. Her husband grunted, brow furrowed in concentration as he moved the stick shift. The truck was making odd noises now, desperate to change gears. He finally did, and the grinding noise under the hood stopped. They made a right turn, headed back towards the farmhouse. To the right, autumn pumpkins glowed golden in the afternoon sun. There was a nip in the air now. Petra had put on her winter coat for the first time today.
"Sure the bumps aren't too bad?" he asked.
"A little fewer would be nice," she said breathlessly. She had her hands on her own bump. Five months along, and the baby was starting to really show. Levi hit the brakes and stopped them on the trail halfway between the pasture and the house. The barn was a hundred yards in the distance. They had to deliver the hay and the sacks of grain that they'd bought in the nearby town.
The engine idled until he turned it off. He leaned back against the seat, breathing a little easier. The cold had reddened his cheeks and the tips of his nose. Petra leaned over and kissed him. He felt chilly to the touch.
"Mmm." He smiled a little. Since coming north, he smiled more frequently. "You okay?"
"Yes. We're fine." She rubbed her stomach again. Levi wore a flannel coat, and fingerless gloves. He looked like a regular rustic now.
"Here." He pulled a thermos out of the back. "Have some. Sasha packed it."
"Tea?" She unscrewed the lid. It smelled of cloves and spice.
"Apple cider. Kid knows her way around an apple, I'll give her that."
She was touched as she poured a cup. Normally the thermos would have been filled with tea, but he knew she liked apple cider.
"You're so sweet." She kissed his cheek and scooted a bit nearer so that he could wrap his arm around her. As Petra sipped her cider, he kissed the top of her head. These days, every moment between them was full of affection. This. This was paradise. She shut her eyes in contentment. "You're avoiding going back to the house, aren't you?"
"All those brats are so noisy."
She grinned. "You like it, though."
"Sometimes. Only sometimes." He kissed her forehead. Levi sighed deeply. She looked at him. So similar to what he had been in his old life, and yet so different. He still insisted on cutting his black hair in that military undercut. He still shaved thoroughly to avoid even the faintest trace of a beard. He still didn't sleep that much, and still kept to a rigorous schedule. But now his schedule consisted of getting up to feed and water the horses, to pull weeds or plant vegetables. At first the change from soldiering to farming seemed like it wouldn't gel with Levi. But soon, he enjoyed seeing things grow under his hands. He fed animals, gave them life. His life had been nothing but death from the day he was born.
This was finally peace.
"Are you happy?" she whispered.
"Yeah. Yeah, I am." No hesitation. Petra finished her cider and screwed the cap back on. She kissed her husband. "Mmm. Taste like apples and shit."
"And shit?" She gave a mock gasp. He kissed her nose.
"You know what I mean." He started up the car. "I'll get Jean and Connie and Hange to take the truck up to the barn and unload everything. I've done enough shit for those damn horses today."
Petra laughed. "I need to get dinner going."
"No, no. The brats and I've got it. It'll do them good to have something to do. They can help clean the kitchen, as well." He liked that idea. "I'm gonna run you a hot bath. No," he said when she started to protest. "You shouldn't be on your feet that much. Doctor said. You take a long soak, and if I've got these brats in formation dinner should be ready when you get out."
"I shouldn't be this lucky," she mused. Her hand rested atop her baby bump. Every time she thought of the child inside her, it was with love…and fear. Of course it was Levi's. She knew it was. But what if…
"Baby, no one should be lucky more than you." As they bumped along the path, he grabbed her hand for a quick kiss.
Since the day they'd found out about the baby and returned to each other, he'd been more affectionate than ever. Not just sex, though that was part of it. He had an easier time kissing her in front of others. Touching her. He'd hold her without it instantly becoming carnal.
He was more relaxed than ever. It'd only been four months. It would just get better from here.
They pulled up in front of the house. Levi killed the engine and opened the truck door. "Oi! Jean, Connie. Get your asses out here."
The 104th kids were staying over for the 'harvest gathering', an agrarian tradition from old Eldian ways. Another bit of culture Erwin had found in his searches through the Reiss family private library.
It also happened to be on the day before the king's birthday. Funny, that.
Petra didn't want to think of Erwin. She didn't bring him up to Levi, either.
Connie and Jean hurried over, arguing with each other about something all the way. They jumped into the truck and headed for the barn as Levi led Petra into the house. There was a fire going in the front living room, and Mikasa and Sasha were seated before it, playing with Kuchel. The little girl skipped back and forth to the two young women, touching them with a 'magic wand' (that looked a great deal like a stick) and saying charming things like 'you're a ghost now' 'okay, you're not dead anymore.' Petra tried not to laugh.
"Kuchel. Put your toys away. The girls are gonna help me with dinner," Levi said. Mikasa and Sasha both got up as Kuchel trotted over to her father and mother, beaming. Petra hugged her daughter, smiled at Mikasa.
Erwin let the girl spend time with the Ackermans on their farm. Otherwise, she was still stuck in the capital, kept where Erwin could easily see her. Mikasa still looked withdrawn, almost five months later. She wanted to know where Eren was. They all did. But for Mikasa, it was a special pain.
"Please make more of an effort with her," Petra murmured as Levi walked her upstairs. He knew who his wife was talking about.
"I'm not the one who helped Eren and Historia escape."
Maybe it was the right thing to do. But she didn't want any arguments just now.
Levi brought her up to their bedroom. Petra shivered, wrapping herself in the extra flannel blanket at the foot of their bed while Levi went to the bathroom and turned on the water in the tub. Within a few minutes, steam was rising into the air. The bathroom heated up. She watched with a soft smile as he fussed over the temperature, poured in some of the lavender bath salt she liked best. When it was all ready, he watched her get undressed. She wasn't so big yet that she needed his help with that.
"You light up when you're pregnant," he said, somehow both gruff and tender. He helped her step into the bath, then helped her ease down. Petra gave a low, contented sigh as the hot water lapped over her body. Just the top of her belly protruded until she made herself sink the last little bit. Levi rolled his sleeves and slipped a hand and arm into the water. He stroked her stomach.
"The baby should be kicking soon," she whispered. She laid her hand atop his. They both looked at her ever-growing stomach. "Levi…"
"Told you already. It'll be fine. No matter what."
He kissed her, then soaped a washcloth and helped her sit up so he could get her back. Petra's eyelids slipped shut. It was so wonderful in this warm, fragrant world with her husband's hands on her body. He leaned over and kissed the back of her neck.
"You spoil me," she said.
"I like doing it." Simple honesty. He rinsed her off and Petra leaned back in the tub. He hooked an arm around her, just avoiding the water. She kissed his arm, nestled her cheek against his shoulder.
"We should get some pumpkins in. Kuchel liked carving faces into them last year."
"Yeah. The brats want to go pick apples tomorrow before they head back to the city. Think she'll like that, too."
Petra sighed deeply. "Do you promise me you're happy?"
His breath ruffled her hair as he laughed. "You hear me laughin', right?"
"Just because this is the happiest I've ever been. I don't want anything to change."
"I'm pretty fucking abnormal, but I'm not too worried about it. That's gotta mean something. Maybe this time, it'll stay good for longer than five minutes."
"It's been longer than that!" She giggled.
"Fine. Longer than five months." He kissed her cheek, leaned his cheek against hers. "I like to think after we die, there's a real paradise. And it's just this, forever. Long as it's with you and Kuchel, it's fine."
He didn't mention the baby. They both pretended not to notice. But Petra kissed his nose.
"Thank you. For giving me another chance."
"Same, kid." He kissed her. "Now stay here, relax. Get warm. I'll get Hange and the guys to finish the last chores, and I'll finish up dinner. Then you're gonna eat, and then you're gonna get to bed."
"Mmm. I should be doing something to help."
"You're making a kid. That's something. Shut up and let me pamper you, damn brat."
She laughed. She almost sloshed the water, she laughed so hard. It was and always would be Levi, rough, coarse, grumpy Levi. But he was the sweetest man. The kindest man. After the agony of the days without him, she knew now that every moment with him was a gift. She intended to cherish every bit of the time, and him.
"I love you," she said. He kissed her one more time.
"Fucking adore you. Now relax."
He left the bathroom and shut the door. Petra lounged in the water, feeling all the tension leave her muscles. The air was cloudy with steam. She could hear the dim shouts of someone, probably Hange, outside. Petra idly caressed her stomach as she lay there, looking down upon the developing bump.
You're Levi's. I know you're Levi's.
She bit her lip. She would love this baby no matter what.
She just wanted to make it easy for Levi to love him, too.
"Oi. Four Eyes. Go pull some potatoes from the side garden. I'm afraid Sasha'll eat 'em straight out of the dirt if I send her," Levi said. He passed the kitchen window as he spoke, and heard Sasha squawk within.
"Seriously? The potato thing again? That was one time! One!" she shouted. Levi didn't pay any attention to her.
He rounded the corner and found Hange and Pieck. The scientist was writing away in her notebook, eye glowing with joy as her girlfriend crawled around on all fours.
"You have to tell me what the impulse feels like. Is it like an electrical surge? Or does it feel more natural that way?"
"I'm glad this is exciting for you, but would you get my crutch?" Pieck sounded sleepily exasperated.
To Hange, love and science were the same thing. Levi rolled his eyes and picked up the crutch that leaned against the house. He offered it to Pieck, who climbed her way up and took it from him. She never lost that calm smile. Hange flushed, realizing she'd gotten carried away by the moment.
"Er. Sorry."
Pieck stumped over and kissed Hange.
"Maybe if you're very good, I'll let you ride me later."
"Really?" Hange's face lit up.
"Fuck, please do that in your own private room," Levi muttered, turning and walking away.
"Levi! She meant as a titan!" Hange called.
"That's worse! Now get the potatoes," he snapped. Shook his head. Damn scientists. Damn titans. He saw Connie and Jean driving back down from the barn. Connie was standing on the truck bed, cackling as the wind whipped through his hair and jacket. Jean had his arm resting on the window, trying to look impressive.
These idiots were nineteen. Would they ever grow up? When did boys become men?
Maybe they never will. Then, Maybe I never want them to.
Levi couldn't help thinking of Eren as he corralled the guys inside to wash up and help with dinner. He looked out at the barn, the acres of land, the horses grazing in the nearby pasture, and thought of Eren pointing at Petra.
I can't protect Kuchel anymore.
Fuck had that meant? Levi shook his head and went indoors. Obviously he'd been manipulating Petra. The kid couldn't see the future or anything. That was bullshit.
Where the fuck had he and Historia disappeared to, though?
Right now Erwin was doing a lot of tap dancing to convince Marley and the world that while Zeke Jaeger was dead, they still had the requirements for a Founder. Everyone took it to mean that Historia was pregnant. The fact that she'd vanished from public life helped support that theory. Almost five months, and the queen had never surfaced outside of Paradis to tell tales of the evil Erwin Smith. That was some relief. Still, what the fuck was she up to?
This wasn't his job anymore. He stubbornly reminded himself of that. He went inside and scooped up Kuchel as she raced back and forth waving a stuffed elephant and yelling BOOM. His daughter happily made the elephant kiss him as he carried her into the kitchen. Hange and Pieck were washing and peeling potatoes. Sasha and Connie were having a splash contest at the sink, which was rapidly soaking the kitchen floor.
After he threatened them and they were on good behavior again, Levi realized that Mikasa and Jean weren't there. Tch. Slackers.
He put Kuchel on a chair, where Pieck and Hange began to immediately praise and pamper her. He walked down the hall to the back porch, the one with a screen. He halted as he saw the two out there together. Mikasa was picking something up—firewood, good thinking—and Jean was talking.
Levi shouldn't listen, but he couldn't help himself.
"You know how sorry I am about Eren." Jean normally was all puffed up, or arguing, or griping about something. Rarely did he sound genuine…and nervous.
"Thank you," she said. She wore her cranberry sweater. Her short black hair gleamed in the afternoon light as Jean stared pointedly at her. Levi swore he could see sweat on the guy's upper lip, where he was trying to grow a moustache.
"He and Historia…I mean, I'm sure he had his reasons. Taking her."
And not you. The words were unspoken, but loud. Levi saw Mikasa's shoulders tighten. Careful, Jean.
"I don't believe he wants to hurt us," she said.
"Of course not. No way." The relationship between Eren and Jean had always been playfully fraught, in no small part (at least for Jean) because of Mikasa. Levi was sure Jean had more to say on that subject, but he wisely didn't elaborate. Jean cleared his throat.
Oh fuck. Levi really had to go.
"I just want you to know…that we're all here for you." His voice sounded breathy now. Nerves. Breathe deep, Jean. "I'm here for you."
Mikasa didn't move. Levi could practically see the wheels turning.
"Thank you," she said quietly. She rose, holding the logs. Jean tried to take them, but she politely refused.
"Mikasa. I…I know I never said anything before."
Oh fuck. Levi shut his eyes.
Mikasa said nothing.
"I know that you and Eren… I mean, I know that you…"
Abort. Abort the mission. Jean seemed mercifully to realize this was a bad road to go down, and he switched.
"Jean?" she said.
"I know I can't be what Eren was to you. But I…I like you, Mikasa. I always have, since the first time I saw you." Now that the words were out, he sped up. "You're the most beautiful and the bravest girl I've ever…"
He trailed off. Levi wondered if he saw in Mikasa's face what Levi imagined to be there: kindness, and sorrow. Sympathy.
Pain for causing disappointment.
"I can't imagine you feel anything for me now. Not like that. But I hoped that you could think about it. Maybe with time—"
"Jean."
Levi heard it all in that one word. Fondness. Care. Love…platonic love.
"Uh huh," he said. Kid could put a lot of heartbreak into two syllables.
"Thank you very much. Really."
Levi heard her coming inside, so he hastened back down the hall. He sighed. Jean was gonna have a rough night sleeping down here on the couch, trying to let go of his last desperate hope. Levi thought of Oruo; he thought how he would've felt if he'd been that guy, loving Petra and never getting a chance with her.
No, he felt real sorry for Jean. And the boy'd also be sharing the room with Connie, who was often way too cheerful and tactless.
Sometimes Levi was glad he wasn't young anymore.
By sometimes, he meant always.
"Papa!" Kuchel waved her arms to be picked up. Maybe carrying her around so much was spoiling her, but he'd almost died. He got to spoil her if he wanted. He lifted her and supervised dinner, cleaning up after every dish. Making the kids clean the place better. Ordering Hange to wash her hands and face twice. Levi finally carried his daughter out of the kitchen. He turned and looked back at the whole gathering.
Was this really his life?
Holding his daughter; his pregnant wife upstairs in the bath; a whole houseful of people, friends, making dinner; a damn house.
Blue skies. Country air. None of it had seemed possible when he was a boy.
Only one man made this all possible for me.
Even after everything, Levi's thoughts trailed down to Mitras. For almost ten years, he had seen Erwin Smith just about every single day. Sometimes all day. Now four months had gone by since they'd spoken or met.
What was Erwin doing right now? How was he? Levi's thoughts were damn mother hen thoughts, worrying over Erwin like a chick. Except Erwin was a six-foot-two chick with a crown and, apparently, an enormous penis.
That thought cooled Levi's concern. But only a little.
Tomorrow's his birthday.
"Well! Things smell great in here," Petra said, coming down the stairs. She was dressed in a woolen maternity dress, her housecoat on over it. She looked so damn snug and domestic that he wanted to take her upstairs and just bury himself in her arms. Not even sex, though that wouldn't be bad. He just wanted to hold her. Look at her. Listen to her laugh, or talk.
She was the only person who could keep the pain of Erwin at bay for an hour or more.
"Lieutenant! I mean, Petra. You got another butternut squash?" Sasha asked, waving frantically as she and Connie took turns stirring a saucepan. Hange and Pieck kissed and talked about some crossword puzzle in the newspaper while they took out plates and utensils to set the table. Mikasa cut up vegetables while Jean had his back to all of them, listlessly cleaning dishes.
Levi was going to give the boy the evening off from kitchen duty. Sometimes a man needed to lick his wounds in private.
Levi handed Kuchel off to Petra, then went in to supervise the final touches. Petra joined him, though he told her it was too damn crowded in there. Still, she helped because that was just her way. Couldn't get her to leave off. Not ever. She'd been the biggest help on field missions, never afraid to assist with a titan kill. Now she shepherded all of them to the table, carrying a plate of steaming potatoes. Sasha followed close behind, looking pretty ravenous.
They sat down to dinner. Petra had made pumpkin soup ahead of time. There were potatoes, vegetables, plus a joint they'd had roasting in the oven. Pieck and Hange had brought some wine. The table was loud as they all sat down together. Levi kissed Petra before she took her seat. Felt damn weird to do that in front of other people. But everything was different now. His life. How he was with her.
It was better in just about every way, but it was different.
"What was that for?" She grinned.
"Tch. Can't a man kiss his damn wife?"
Well, maybe it wasn't that different after all.
They all sat down and passed the salt and took turns answering Kuchel's questions about what kind of animals they'd like her to turn them into. What a weird kid. Levi was proud. Levi squeezed Petra's hand beneath the table. He was really a man with everything.
His eyes moved to the empty chair at the other end of the long table.
Everything but Erwin Smith.
"Thank you for having us," Kiyomi said as they all sat down to dinner. She spoke politely, but only just. Erwin was at the head of the table, Anka and Nile in attendance as his 'allies' for the evening. Kiyomi and Kanada were in from Hizuru.
Willy Tyber was there as well, the irate guest of honor.
Night had just set in as the servants poured wine and brought in the first course, a butternut squash puree. It was the harvest festival, after all.
"I'd propose a toast to continued harmony, but I'm not so sure that would be entirely truthful," Erwin said. Willy sat at the opposite end of the table, and glared.
"Smart of you to bring in all of your backup for this meeting," the king said.
"This is hardly all of it," Erwin said, though that itself was almost untrue. Pixis liked to pretend not to know him except when it was necessary, and as for Hange, Petra, and Levi…
"I want you to return the Cart Titan to Marley." Willy wasn't wasting time.
"You act as though I'd stolen the titans from under your nose, Willy." Erwin sipped some wine. "They came to me by chance."
"Yes. Hizuru sent them from the island." Willy glanced at the Azumabitos.
"My aunt and I didn't have an ulterior motive behind that decision," Kanada replied. His tone was a bit cool, and hurt. He and Willy were genuine friends, after all. "We needed to return Levi Ackerman as quickly as possible."
Kiyomi said nothing, but observed.
"Yes." Willy cooled a bit. To Erwin, "But you killed Zeke Jaeger."
"He got himself killed. You know all this," Erwin said. Willy merely scanned the room.
"Where's your queen, exactly?"
Danger. Erwin appeared unruffled.
"She's up on her farm. She doesn't like to be away from it for any length of time."
"We heard she's in confinement. Pregnant." Willy cocked a brow. "Is it true?"
"I prefer not to speak too loudly of such matters. A private superstition," Erwin said smoothly.
"And Eren Jaeger?" Kiyomi asked.
"He's confined as well to the far north. He and his brother were plotting together, but Eren has the Founder. At the moment, I prefer to keep him alive."
They needed off this topic. He glanced at Anka, who knew her role.
"We can't offer you the Cart Titan back just yet, Majesty," she said to Willy. "But it's really the least important titan as far as combat goes."
"All Marley has left is the War Hammer," Willy snapped. "We can't get Annie Leonhardt to come out of that fucking crystal."
"We were certain once she was home that Annie would come out of her own accord." Erwin shook his head. "I'm sorry we were mistaken."
"Either you give us the Cart back, or we'll need to negotiate a settlement. The Armor or the Jaws for—"
"No." Erwin's voice was cold now. "We keep every titan we have thus far. Be grateful we're letting the Tybers keep the War Hammer."
"Grateful?" Willy almost spluttered. He half rose to his feet. "You—"
"The Triple Alliance has brought a global peace previously undreamed of," Erwin said. "The power of the titans has become more symbolic than anything else. The age of science has fully descended upon us. We don't need to use the titans any longer."
"Then giving one back shouldn't matter."
"We are Paradisians. Ours is the homeland of the Eldian people now. The holy land. We should have most of the titans. We could negotiate for all if we wished." Erwin frowned. "We don't wish. At the moment."
If they took the War Hammer, the Tybers were truly powerless, at least on a global stage. Kiyomi dabbed her mouth with the napkin.
"Perhaps such unsavory talk is better left for dessert?" She appraised both men coolly.
"Excellent idea, my lady," Erwin said. "Why not—"
The door banged open.
The party looked up, and Erwin's heart dropped to his stomach. Marie stood in the doorway. She was dressed in one of her finer gowns, a shimmering golden satin with beaded decoration as trim.
She looked terrible apart from the expensive garment. Months of drinking and narcotics had turned her face puffed and craggy. Her eyes were hazy; her lipstick had been sloppily applied. She shuffled into the room, weaving a bit to indicate she'd taken drugs and drink before deciding to come.
She had not been issued an invitation.
"Marie," Erwin said, his voice a warning as she slumped into a seat next to Willy, who regarded her with a horrified curiosity.
"Marie," Nile whispered. Erwin saw the man ready to throw down his napkin and get up.
"I don't believe we've had the pleasure," said Kiyomi. Kanada looked shocked, one of the few times his tranquil mask slipped.
"What's for dinner?" She snapped and waved at a servant, who hurried to fetch her a bowl of soup. She grabbed a decanter of wine and sloshed some into a glass. Wine splattered on the linen tablecloth. Erwin shut his eyes, trying to focus himself. "Mmm. Nice t'see you all. Been soooo long since I was at a party. Er'in never lets me go anywhere. Do you, darling?"
She turned to look at him, winked and grinned. He glowered at her as Marie tipped back a glass of wine, some of the liquid running down her chin as he drank. Nile turned away, heartbreak written on his face. Anka looked at her food.
"Pleasure to meet you, Marie." Willy glanced at Erwin, looking sly. Shit. "What's your relation to the king?"
"Well, let's see let's see. He used to fuck me." She said it brightly, beaming at Willy. Kiyomi concentrated on folding her napkin in her lap. "See he married his pretty little queen, buuuut then he kept fucking me because his pretty little queen doesn't like cock."
"Oh my god," Anka breathed. Erwin signaled for a servant at once.
"Get her out of here," he whispered.
"Of course, sire. I have no idea how she—"
"I don't care how it happened, get her out."
Nile watched his wife as his lip trembled. Willy seemed to be enjoying this conversation. He poured Marie some more wine, which she happily accepted.
"That seems so surprising," Willy said.
"Eh. Her loss. His cock is huge." Marie cupped a hand around her mouth and gave a loud, theatrical whisper. Two servants walked over. One tried to discreetly move Marie's chair away from the table. She whirled around and struck the woman hard across the face. The girl cried out.
Erwin had to end this. Now. He threw down his napkin and rose.
"Oops! I got a liiiittle carried away. Anyway, Erwin's cock. The king's cock. He knows how big it is. He loves to be told. He loves his cock so much that I think if he could fuck it himself, he would. He could use the Founding Titan to do that, couldn't he?"
She giggled. Willy actually smiled, relishing all of this. Erwin stood behind Marie.
"I'm very sorry. She's been sick," he said, which wasn't completely untrue.
"Uh uh, nooooo. I'm not sick. I'm just bored." She tipped a whole glass of wine onto the tablecloth and started painting quick swirling patterns as it was absorbed. "See I use to be a pain'er. I was real good. But I don' paint anymore. Mmm mmm. I don't fuck anymore, either. All I do's sit around like a big fat spider and wait."
What the fuck was she talking about. Erwin leaned close to her ear.
"Get up now. I'll only ask once."
"He'll only ask once," she whispered harshly to the rest of the table. Marie whirled in her seat and faced him, her hazy eyes gleaming with triumph. "Well, darrrrrling. I think the whole table would love to see how good you are. Less do it. Lemme throw up my skirts, and you whip out your giant cock, and you can fuck me on the table and make all those noises you make when you're just. So. Close."
She rolled her eyes and started making obscene groaning noises while she rocked back and forth in the chair. Kanada had his arms folded and stared at his lap. Kiyomi excused herself with a whisper and glided from the room. Willy seemed to love every second.
"Stop embarrassing yourself," Erwin said, his voice ice.
"Oh, I'm embarrassing you. And I'm enjoying myself immensely."
Erwin was starting to wonder if he shouldn't just pick her up and carry her out of the room…when Nile appeared at her side.
"Marie."
He spoke softly as he knelt beside her. When Marie saw her husband's face, all her glee vanished. Her face sagged further, making her look a good tent to fifteen years older than she was.
"Nile? I…" She opened and closed her mouth like a landed fish. Erwin saw tears in her eyes. "Oh, I'm so… Uh."
"Come on, sweetheart." Nile gently pulled her chair out, and Marie staggered to her feet. She leaned on Nile's arm as he ushered her from the room. Marie was just starting to weep when the door shut behind her. Erwin was left standing there, feeling like an idiot.
"I have to applaud you, Erwin." Willy toasted with his wine. "I never thought I'd see anyone worse than Giulia. In every way, you've surpassed me."
Erwin almost smashed the man's face in.
"Start the next course without me," he told the servant. He walked from the room, following Nile and Marie.
He exited and saw them standing in the center of the hall. He stepped behind a pillar and listened.
"I'm so s-sorry, Nile." Marie was heave-sobbing. She staggered back and forth, Nile's arm around her waist for support. "I, I din't know you were there. I, I d-din't…"
"Don't apologize, sweetheart." Nile let her lean against him, stroked her hair. The man was on the verge of tears himself. "What happened to you? Senta didn't say it was this bad."
"Because she lies to pro'tec you," Marie muttered. "Nile…I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for wha…"
She started sobbing again. Nile only held her, and Erwin saw the man look rapturous just to hold this broken, bloated woman again.
"It's all right. I forgive you. I forgive all of it." He kissed the crown of her head. "Marie. Just leave this place. Let's go home."
"Wha? Home?" She stopped crying and swayed back and forth, disbelieving. "Oh, I can't. Nile, it's too late."
"No, it isn't."
"The girls… Sen'a hates me." She sniffed.
"Senta will come to understand. You'll get better. You'll be happy again." Nile cradled her face. "Marie… I still love you. I've always loved you. There's nothing you could do that…"
He couldn't finish, because he was starting to cry. Marie pressed a hand to his cheek.
Erwin watched, unsure what he felt.
"Nile." She kissed his forehead. "Yer too good fer me."
"I'm not. I'm nothing without you. I never have been. I…" He gripped her hands and kissed them. Then he leaned forward and kissed her lips. He kissed her with rapturous intensity. He wanted this woman who had broken him. Who was a shadow of her former self.
That was love. It was delusional, perhaps. But it was also total.
Erwin had only ever loved one other person with such absolute completeness.
His mind traveled to the farm in northern Wall Rose, where Levi would be sitting down to dinner with his own family.
I'm lost without you.
Erwin leaned against the pillar.
The Doks ended their kiss. Marie held Nile's face. She stroked his hair.
"Nile…you are the best man I, I know." Marie sighed. "But I still don' love you. I'm sorry." Her lip trembled.
"You don't have to love me as I love you. But you do care about me, don't you?"
"Yes," she said at once. "I thought I didn't. That was awful of me. I will always care." She released him. "But I can't go from him to you. Going back t'you would mean I wanted to live a lie. And I, I want you to have what you really should have. A woman who loves you like you deserve."
She was slurring less now. Good.
"I can be happy with whatever you can give," he said.
"You shouldn't sell your life short." She stepped away from him. "The only real purpose I have anymore is to be the stone aroun' his neck." She gave a sloppy, bitter smile. "Even if he keeps me in the closet, he knows I'm there. Waiting."
"Marie, please."
But she shook her head and then hugged him. She started crying again. He held her tight, tried not to let her go.
"I thought for a while that not loving you made me bad," she said. She kissed his cheek. "But that's not it. Marrying you when I din't love you's what made me bad."
"We wouldn't have our girls if you hadn't."
She shut her eyes. "They're the only good things I ever did. I th-thought when I was young that my life would be something amazing. But this is where it went. Because of the choices I made. Because of the choices he made, and you made. Things jus' don't work out sometimes." She blew him a kiss as she wandered away. "But you deserve real happ'ness, Nile. I'm so sorry I did this t'you."
"Marie!"
He followed her down the hall. Erwin stood a moment, then returned to the dining room.
He carried through the rest of dinner as though nothing had happened. The others played along with him, though Willy never lost his sly grin. Anka didn't look at him once.
When the meal was finally concluded, and the business was as well—when it was agreed that Willy would not get the Cart or any other titans, to his chagrin—everyone left. The guests returned to their rooms. Anka went home. Erwin found out that Nile had left a while ago.
Erwin made his way to Marie's room, and entered without knocking.
She sat at her vanity, her hair a mess, her dress hanging off one shoulder. She stared into the mirror at him.
"Gonna turn me out?" she asked.
"No." He shut the door and advanced. "Have you heard of Candlemoor?"
"No. What's that?" She wiped the makeup from her face with a cloth.
"It's a royal alpine retreat in the far north of Wall Maria. A place of absolute scenic beauty and seclusion." He nodded. "You'll be taken there tomorrow. The place is extremely elegant and comfortable. You'll have servants to attend you. And you and I will never see each other again."
"But you'll know I'm there." Her voice was gravel. Her eyes were full of hate.
"Yes. But I can live as though you aren't."
"So I'll be your prisoner?"
"You can have your daughters up. Nile. Some friends. But you won't leave unless you can clear it with me. I'll be selective with where I'll allow you to go. If this is too much trouble, of course, you're free to go wherever you please. Back to Nile. Back to Trost. To Marley. But if you want to continue to live off of me, you'll go to Candlemoor and never return to Mitras." She said nothing. "What do you say to this?"
"You think you can forget about me. But you never will."
"No. You're right. But at least what happened tonight will never happen again." He sneered. "I'd harbor some respect for you if you left me. But you're too weak to do so."
"I'm your reminder."
"You're a coward. You're afraid of facing a world without me. I used to love you. Now, I find you disgusting."
She got up and slowly made her way to him. She looked in his eyes.
"I thought I'd always love you. What'd I know?" She scowled. "You used to be a good man," she said.
"You're right. I know that I'm not one any longer." He shut his eyes for one moment, and saw himself charging down that field towards the Beast Titan. The basement in the distance. Levi's love and acceptance in his heart. Erwin had in that moment been glad to lay down his life for his comrades and his people.
He had died a good man.
And he'd been brought back.
"I know what you did," Marie whispered. "I wouldn't even tell those people at the table. It's too disgusting."
"What do you mean?"
She leaned nearer. "Servants aroun' here talk. Talk gets back to me. She fucked you, didn't she? Or you fucked her. Her husban' was dead. At the time." She gave a bitter smile. "How's it feel t'know that you couldn't compare to a dead man?"
It was the first and last time he was tempted to strike a woman. He restrained himself, and stepped away.
"She's twice the woman you could ever be. As he's three times the man I am." He gave her a mocking bow. "We're both utterly ordinary people. We deserve each other."
"Bastard." She hissed and flung something at him, perhaps a clock or a vase. He shut the door on her, and nodded to the soldiers standing guard. When Marie tried to chase him, they held her back and returned her to her room. "Bastard!" Her screams echoed, chasing Erwin all the way back to his chambers. He poured a whiskey and sat before the fire, too tired to feel shame at what had happened.
You used to be a good man.
He hadn't wanted to stop being one. What had been the first step towards this? Taking Marie? Acquiring sole power of the military?
Levi. Why aren't you here? Why couldn't you stop this transformation?
Erwin slumped back in the chair and stared at the ceiling. He was waiting for daylight now. His life was a waiting room, seconds ticking away as he waited for daylight. For next year. For death.
Hange was still looking for a break to the titan curse. He should get her to stop.
He had no reason to live past his term.
"What are you thinking about?"
Petra lay in bed on her back, a hand draped over her stomach. Levi was propped on his elbow over her. They'd been simply looking at each other for a few minutes. She trailed her fingers along his jaw, touching the faint grooves of age finally forming at the sides of his mouth. They'd read Kuchel a bedtime story (that Sasha had also loved) and all the kids were in bed. Hange and Pieck were next door. It was quiet in the farm house.
"Thinking about you. Damn brat."
He kissed her forehead. He was so tender with her nowadays. Since she'd lost him and then found him again, and since he'd been heartbroken and then mended, their love had taken on a new dimension of sweetness. It wasn't like before, a faerie story. They'd both known real hurt now. They'd seen the true other sides of each other.
But it only made Petra the more grateful for every moment she spent with him. And he felt the same.
"Thinking about what?"
"You're just good. You're good with all the kids. You're good to me. You're the most beautiful woman alive."
"And you're the sweetest man."
His words to her in private were more tender than they had ever been. He hadn't cried in front of her since that day, but something in that breakdown had bridged the final divide between them. Levi kissed her lips gently. She pulled him down and wrapped herself in his arms.
"Thank you for being so good," she whispered.
"I can't be without you. Hange said it. She was right."
"You can be." She kissed his nose. "It's just not as fun being good without me."
"Mmm." He held her. They were warm together. His hand caressed her bump for a second. Then he took it away.
The unknown bump. It was the last discordant note in their relationship.
"Oi. I'm gonna make a quick phone call." He kissed her cheek as he slid out of bed.
"Why? It's almost midnight."
But she didn't argue further as he put on his robe and headed quietly into the hall. Petra lay in bed and looked at the ceiling. She stroked her stomach.
Tomorrow was Erwin's birthday, after all. Tomorrow was almost today.
I know you're Levi's. She stilled her hands atop the baby bump. In a few months, all this tension will be over. Forever.
Levi padded downstairs, headed for the small western sitting room. He passed Jean and Connie laid out on the sofas in front of the dying fire. Connie was chatting about something—anything, probably. Jean just lay there in dejected silence. Levi felt for the kid.
One day. One day it'd get better for him.
"Night, Captain!" Connie said brightly.
"Shut up and go to sleep," he said fondly.
While the boys tried to get comfortable, Levi shut the door on the sitting room. The 'telephone room', they called it. Good for privacy and taking calls.
Levi picked up the receiver, hesitated, and then dialed. He got the operator to connect him to the palace's switchboard. They instantly put him through to the king.
"Levi?"
"Oi. You sound kinda weird. You okay?" He frowned. Erwin really sounded unsteady.
"Just a few whiskeys. I hate to drink alone, but…"
He didn't answer. Both of them knew it was too sad.
"Called because I wanted to say…"
He wanted to say happy birthday.
He wanted to say that Petra might be carrying Erwin's child.
He wanted to say he hated the man.
He wanted to say he missed the man.
He wanted to say that at the table tonight, there'd been a gaping hole. It was a hole Levi saw wherever he looked.
He wanted to say he was sorry, again, for bringing Erwin back into all this.
He wanted to say it was his fault.
He wanted to say he loved…
He hated…
"Levi?"
"Just wanted to say happy birthday." He shut his eyes.
"Oh. Thank you." Erwin cleared his throat. "It's not yet tho—"
The clock in the house started to chime the hour. They both waited until the twelfth chime.
"Well. Now it is. Thank you."
"Forty-three. Huh. Hard to believe."
"Only eight more to go."
He sounded too relieved. It made Levi feel a sharp stab of self-hatred.
"Maybe Hange'll scrounge up some more time."
"For Pieck's sake, I hope she does."
He left it at that. Nothing more to be said. Levi leaned forward, trying to put together words. It had always been easy between him and this man. Levi remembered the first time he'd really made Erwin laugh. Couldn't even remember the joke or observation, but he'd been drinking tea and said something and Erwin just threw his head back and laughed. He sounded so damn delighted. They were seated side by side, and Levi leaned his arm against the bigger man's shoulder.
It'd never been that easy to talk to anyone before. Not even Furlan or Isabel. Not even Hange. He got there eventually with Petra, but it took work.
Nothing with Erwin had ever been work like that.
"Is there anything else?" Erwin asked, not unkindly.
The baby. The baby. Mention the baby. He should know there's a possibility. He believes it's absolutely yours. He believes that because he trusts you.
"Nah. Just wanted to say it."
"Thank you. Again." More silence. Erwin cleared his throat. "Well. Give my love to Kuchel and Pet—ah. Say hello to Petra for me."
His head hurt. "Yeah. Will do." He leaned back in his chair. "Look, maybe sometime soon…"
He heard calm breathing. He could feel Erwin's hope through the phone.
Once the baby is born. In a few months. We'll know what to do then.
"Sure," Erwin said, though Levi hadn't finished the sentence. Then, "Say hello to Hange and Pieck."
Levi felt like kind of a cunt in that moment. Like he'd hoarded all the gold to himself.
"Yeah. Okay." He sniffed. "Better get to bed. Petra's…there. Uh. You know."
He shut his eyes. Yeah. Erwin did know. The anger flared hot in his breast for one second.
"Uh. Yes. Good night, Levi."
"Night."
He hung up first and sat back. He gazed out the window onto the moonlit fields. The pumpkins had turned silver.
Just a few more months…
Erwin hung up the phone.
He waited to see if Levi would call back.
After a few minutes, he had another whiskey and then went to bed.