Chapter Ten: To Be?
Two months. Two glorious months of dating Emma. It all felt like a dream, the only thing marring it, the notion that Regina was graduating soon.
"You pick a school yet?" Emma asked as Regina shifted through her large pile of acceptance letters. They were at Emma's house, relaxing after school had let out. Columbia had been the only school to reject Regina and Regina had been too ashamed to mention the rejection to even Emma. She didn't want Emma to think her less than perfect even now as they dated.
"Hm, I think I've settled on one," Regina said, deep in contemplation before jerking her head up. "Are you not worried?"
"Worried?" Emma tore her eyes from the TV, mouthful of popcorn. She swallowed it down. "Worried about what?"
"My graduation," Regina said, a bit astonished Emma had never really thought this over. "I'm leaving this school soon, Emma. Possibly somewhere far away from Maine. We won't see each other on a daily basis, we won't come over to each others houses. We won't be able to kiss whenever we want to."
"I don't really like to think about that," Emma said softly, averting her gaze.
"But we do need to talk about it," Regina stressed. "Now, more than ever. I'm only going to be in high school for one more month; you've still got two more years. And even if we have the summer together, then what?"
"We can just do long distance," Emma shrugged. "It won't be that hard."
Regina huffed, pushing back a strand of her hair. It was getting long, she had to cut it. "You underestimate how hard it is to be in a high demanding college, Emma. I'm afraid that I won't be able to come visit you on breaks, or be able to call you or facetime you-"
"Hey, chill," Emma put a warm hand on Regina's lap, releasing soothing hormones into the air. "You're going to worry yourself to death. You worried yourself about your mother finding out about us and she still hasn't. So, I think if we can date in secret, then we can work out long distance."
"Are you really not worried?" Regina asked, wondering if this was because Emma wasn't as heavily invested in their relationship as she was.
"I am," Emma admitted, retracting her hand so she could fiddle with her hands on her own lap. "But thinking about it nonstop isn't going to help either of us. We can make it work. It'll be rough, for sure, but we can make it work." How could Emma be so confident? Have so much assurance in their relationship? Maybe it was because was Emma and she just took things in stride.
Regina inhaled sharply, willing herself to relax. "Right. You're right."
Emma smiled. "Wow, I think this is the first time you've told me I'm right," Emma said. "Can I hear it again? Just to boost my ego?" she batted her eyes playfully.
Regina shook her head in amusement. "I've got to get back to alphabetizing my list of pros and cons for each college."
"Or you could just pick the one you feel is correct."
"What do you mean?"
"I know you've visited each campus location. Haven't you felt...I dunno, like a connection with the campus? Felt like you could fit right in?"
Regina contemplated this, tapping her pen against her lips. "Hmmm, I was more invested in the academics and the programs they offered. I didn't really look around."
"Well then out goes that method," Emma sighed. "Seriously, don't stress too much. I'm sure you'll do amazing in any school you go to."
"When it gets time for you to graduate, you'll see it's not that simple, Emma."
"I didn't even care about college until you made me," Emma replied, crunching down on more popcorn. "And the only reason I would ever apply to a community college is because of you."
"Emma, that is the bare minimum school. You can afford a better college. You're smarter than you give yourself credit for."
It never got tiring hearing Regina compliment her. Emma smiled. "Yea, but I don't have the finances to afford private schools like you do," she said, a touch wistfully. Regina was suddenly reminded of their stark financial backgrounds and she thinned her lips and went back to making her lists as Emma watched the action film on TV.
Things were still tense between Regina and Kathryn. Ever since that odd dinner, the blonde had been oddly subdued around Regina, avoiding her gaze and opting to take her lunches by herself who knows where. It all concerned Regina greatly but she had didn't know how to go about this. Why was Kathryn upset with her? Had Regina somehow hurt her feelings?
And the worst part of this was she couldn't ask anyone for advice on it. Especially not Emma.
"Do you know what's wrong with Kathryn?" Ursula asked, eyeing Regina like this was all her fault. And it was. Regina squirmed in her seat.
"I'm not sure. She won't talk to me," Regina confessed. "Is she talking to you all?"
"Yes, she does. She's just pointedly avoiding you," Mal deduced. They all looked like vultures, hungry to hear what had occurred. But Regina herself wasn't sure. Regina gave a hapless shrug.
"I tried to ask her what's wrong but she just gets this sad look in her eyes and walks away. I think maybe she just needs some time," Regina sighed out.
"You'd better fix whats wrong, Regina. You've got less than a month left and I'm sure you wouldn't want to leave things on a sour note."
That added to the guilt that Regina already felt. "Yea," she sighed softly, picking at her salad. "I know. She's just not making it easy." Regina also should be trying harder to fix things but she was so wrapped up in her new relationship with Emma and with picking out a school that she just couldn't find as much time as she'd like to track down Kathryn who was purposefully going out of her way to avoid Regina.
It stung, that their long friendship was but reduced to this pettiness.
Besides, there was still the issue of the engagement she wanted to figure out about. Was it broken off? Or was it still on? She dearly hoped Kathryn had talked her parents out of it.
A buzz resounded from within Regina's pocket and she took out her phone. It was a text from Emma, telling her to met her by the janitor's closet in the back hallway of the school. It was the hallway kids went to to make out or skip class since it was dimly lit and not used often.
I need you the test read and Regina got up, her alpha side raring to protect her omega from whatever had befallen her.
"Where are you going?" Cruella asked, too curious for her own good.
"I need to deliver something to the teacher. I'll be back soon." And she left, throwing her lunch on the way out. When she got to the back hallway she found Emma leaning against the wall, fidgeting. Her scent was strong, filling the stifled school air. Immediately Regina knew what was going on, her body responding to it first.
Emma was about enter heat.
"Emma, are you okay?" she asked, stopping a safe distance away even as her mouth filled with saliva. Emma hugged her arms around her. She was shivering but it had nothing to do with cold. Her skin was lightly flushed.
"I think I'm going to go into heat," she confessed in a quiet voice. "And I know I shouldn't have called you because it's unfair to tempt you like this, but I just reacted and typed to you first."
Regina nodded her head, focusing on the wall behind Emma's head so she wouldn't be tempted to take her in her arms and kiss her softly. And then hard, as she pushed into her, taking her lips and pressing her body into her. Taking her in this hallway so everyone would know Emma was hers. "It's fine." She assured in a slightly strangled voice as she tried to control herself.
"Can you get me a heat pill?" Emma asked. "It's in my locker but I'm too afraid to go near students like this. I might be too tempting to them," she said.
"I'll get you one," Regina said. And she whirled off, setting about her vital mission. She cracked open the locker combination and even got a bottle of water for Emma to take the pill with. She was a bit shaken by Emma's strong scent and barely paid attention to anything else but getting back to Emma.
Hurrying back with the pill for Emma, she didn't notice someone's curious eyes on her. Those eyes followed her as she went back to Emma, giving the blonde the pill and water.
Emma took it gratefully, sneaking in a kiss on Regina's lips when she finished. "Thank you, for helping me."
"Of course," Regina said softly, intertwining their fingers as they waited for the pill to take affect. "You're my girlfriend." Regina watched as Emma's face broke out into a smile at that. It was the first time she had said this out loud. It felt nice to do so.
They both missed the horrified gasp, only soft enough that the person who emitted it could hear it.
Regina begins to notice something off about their relationship not shortly after Emma goes through her heat, the both of them deciding to stay away from each during this time so as not to fall into bed like crazy with each other, when Regina has so many graduation things to focus on.
Emma had been acting odd, ever since last week. Regina couldn't tell why. Had she done something to offend her? But when she tried to ask about it after school, Emma only shrugged and said 'it must be hormones'. Regina trusted her so she didn't delve deeper. Surely, Emma was the more emotionally expressive one, so if something truly was the matter, Emma would tell her.
Regina would be patient and make sure to give her space. Because it seemed that Emma was even reluctant to show any outward affection. She tolerated Regina's hand holding and turned her face so Regina's kisses would linger on her cheek and not on her lips.
Are you coming over today? Regina texted.
She had to wait thirty minutes which was unlike Emma, before she got a response. Emma was usually a quick responder. Had she been busy? The text said 'not today. Busy'
Regina frowned but decided she would leave it at that. Maybe something important had come up for Emma. Regina settled down to do her work.
But when Regina got to school that day, she had wished she hadn't given up so easily, wished that she had decided to text Emma back.
"What do you mean, Emma dropped out of school?" Regina cried out, aghast when a sober Ruby approached her in the halls after school. Emma hadn't been in all day and hadn't answered any of Regina's texts. It was enough to make Regina sweat with worry, losing focus in her classes as she worried about what bad things could have happened.
"I mean that she texted me she was and that nothing I could say could stop her," Ruby explained and Regina felt her world spin around her. She leaned against the wall, taking deep breaths. Hands on her knees.
"Why didn't she say anything to me?"
Ruby shrugged. "I don't know. I don't know why she did this. I'm as much shocked as you."
"At least she texted you," Regina said bitterly, knowing she shouldn't be taking out her anger at Ruby but unable to hold herself back.
"Oh, sweetie," Ruby sighs and leans against the wall next to Regina. She slings an arm around her and brings her to her chest as Regina cannot stop the torrent of silent tears that come from her.
Regina tries to search for Emma. She really does. She goes over to her house, finds a way to contact her adoptive parents, who are just as lost as she is to what happened.
They even come back to help out in the search, putting up missing fliers around town, alerting the police. "We really don't know where she could have gone," the mother says.
"She didn't tell us anything was wrong. Why would she run away?" the father asks, ripping at his hair.
Regina fails and tries not to worry over this. There had to be a good reason for this. Emma had to come back, right? She wouldn't just up and leave. She'll be there for Regina's graduation, at least, right?
Regina finds herself slowly becoming a ball of pain and hurt, and of too many questions. She's mad at Emma for doing this. For treating her so callously. And she's worried for her, for where she could be, for what she could be doing. There has to be a good reason for Emma moving. She wouldn't just up and leave, would she?
Regina becomes close to Ruby, the two of them trying to piece together clues and find Emma. Regina has texted Emma a thousand times all in varying degrees of pleading with Emma to come back, yelling at her for being a coward, telling her how much she loves her. None of it works. She doesn't get a text back, and pretty soon, Ruby realizes she won't get a text back either. Their only way of knowing Emma is safe is cut off when Emma informs that she's ditching the phone so the police can't track her.
And then when Ruby texts back with expletives to not do this, there's no response.
"I don't understand," Regina whispers to herself, on the ratty bed at Ruby's house. She places her knuckles up against her mouth, curls her legs up to her chest. "How could she just do this? Is this my fault?"
Ruby touches her on the shoulder. "It's not your fault. It's not."
"Then why?" Regina whispers, tears in her eyes. She hates crying in front of others but she can't help it. She's overwhelmed with so much emotion. It hurts to feel this way. And it's all Emma's fault. How could she do this to her? Was she even safe? What was she up to?
"Just keep strong," Ruby says, handing Regina a box of tissues. "We'll get through this together."
Regina is barely able to concentrate on her graduation, but she pulls herself together because she knows mother will be there and she can't be seen as weak. So, she forgets about everything that has happened, pushes it to the back of her mind as she strides up the stage, hair coiffed perfectly under her graduation cap, makeup done lightly, and dress underneath matching her shoes and nail polish. She delivers her valedictorian speech with gratis and barely even hears the wild cheering as she smiles plastically and gets off and lines up among the other students so the ceremony can begin.
It goes by quickly, and in a blur. All Regina can remember is shaking hands, smiling for photos and applause and going back down. She knows everyone is happy, genuinely so, some even crying tears of happiness and promising to keep in touch. Regina's plastic grin just stays in place. Emma should have been here, in the audience but she's gone.
Regina takes in a shaky breath as the hot press of tears crowd her eyes. She blinks quickly to do away with emotion because mother is striding closer as parents and friends mingle around. Father is trailing behind, holding flowers for Regina.
"Congratulations, darling," he tells her and leans down to kiss her on the cheek as he gives her the flowers.
"Thanks," she smiles, taking the flowers and smelling them.
"Your speech was good, but I do have a few pointers on it," Cora says briskly and what little good mood Regina had mustered up, drops down to the ground and melts. Still, her smile stays up even as her eyes dim. "Of course, mother."
"We have a reservation at six for a restaurant. Order anything you'd like."
The surprises Regina. Since when has Cora been so lenient with food? Whenever she's around she calls Regina fat and puts her on a strict diet. "Really?" Regina asks, hopefully.
Cora offers a barely there smile. "I am in a charitably good mood as of late because something good happened. And, it's your graduation. I suppose you can take a little break before you begin getting ready for college."
Regina nods her head and follows her parents to dinner, leaving the cheering of the celebrating families behind.
The pain lessens a bit but never entirely leaves. Regina and Ruby spend the summer together more often than not, looking at clues as to where Emma could be. Neither wants to give up, but its clear they don't have much to go on. Even the cops are giving up, labeling Emma's case as closed.
"You're her best friend, you're supposed to know everything about her," Regina exclaims in frustration when they hit a dead wall again.
Ruby isn't phased by this display of aggression. She takes a swig of her beer, watching Regina pacing angrily. "And you were her girlfriend. You should know too."
Regina frowns at that. She tucks back a strand of hair behind her ear only for it to pop back out again. She's cut her hair on her mother's orders. It's so short now that Regina can't do anything with it, other than let it be free with the breeze.
"We didn't...talk much," Regina says with a blush.
"Ooo, kinky," Ruby grins and Regina shoots a glare at her before plopping down on the couch next to her. She sighs heavily. "What if she's...hurt?" Regina questions in a quiet voice.
Ruby shrugs. "Emma is Emma. I trust her to be okay. She's a foster kid, she's seen some bad shit, and she's lived on the streets before. She's fine."
"I wish I could be as confident as you are about this. Living on the streets isn't good for anyone. What about when winter comes? Then what?"
Ruby offers another hapless shrug. "She could be in another foster home for all we know. They could have taken her back for all we know and she just didn't want to tell us to spare out feelings."
Regina leans her head back against the rough couch. "She was going to be a soccer star."
"Yea," Ruby sadly agrees. "She was."
Kathryn surprises Regina by showing up at her house one evening, unannounced. Just ringing the doorbell. Regina's parents are out on town doing some shopping so Regina opens the door and doesn't know what to say.
"Hi," Kathryn offers sheepishly as they both stand and stare at each other, the moths flying around the porch light.
"What are you doing here?" Regina asks at last. She's a bit of a mess right now, having been busy packing for college. She's leaving in a week.
"I, um, wanted to talk. Can I come in?" Kathryn asks and Regina is reminded of how girlish she is, shifting on her heeled feet, gripping the edges of her skirt, hair curled down over her shoulders.
"No," Regina finds herself saying, blinking in mild shock at her own mouth. Kathryn looks shocked by this rudeness too but she doesn't say anything to it. Regina steps out, closes the door behind her and crosses her arms over her chest. "I'm busy packing right now, so make it quick."
"Right," Kathryn nods her head. "I, just wanted to say I'm sorry for how I acted to you the past couple of months. I hope we can fix this," she indicated to the rift between them.
Regina is still hurt by how Kathryn treated her, and she's curious as to why she did it in the first place, but Regina doesn't bother to ask. She's just happy Kathryn has finally come to her senses.
"Yes, I'd like to be your friend again," Regina says and Kathryn gives her a small, tentative but hopeful smile.
College is nothing like high school and Regina loves it. She has more freedom from her mother now more than ever. Which is the reason why she can write letters to Emma. Letters she never sends but just keeps, wishing she could send to the blonde. In it she details what's happening in college, the friends she's making, the grades she's getting, how little sleep there is to be found.
How much she misses Emma. How much she hopes she's safe. Eventually though, Regina gets really busy with her own life and she has less time for thinking about things of the past.
By the time Regina graduates college, she had stopped writing those letters and had stopped looking for Emma.
A/N: Part two is coming up to this story. It's going to focus on what happens afterwards. I'm curious if anyone has some theories related to what happened with Emma.