June, 863
Kuchel put her left foot back, her bare toes digging into the gym mat. Mikasa circled her, the woman's eyes totally unreadable. Mikasa was the coolest person Kuchel knew. She wanted to be like her…except she totally wasn't. Kuchel always ran around shouting and squealing and jumping up and down. Mikasa was like Papa: totally quiet.
She had to focus. Kuchel narrowed her eyes as Mikasa circled. Kuchel turned, never giving her back to the woman.
"What do you think I'm going to do next?" Mikasa asked softly. She held a wooden practice sword in her right hand. Those things hurt.
"You're gonna go for my legs," Kuchel replied. Papa called it 'the yellow lightning', but for her it was more like a big, painted sign. GOING FOR THE LEGS in bright pink paint. Kuchel liked pink.
"How can you tell?"
"I just know."
"Very good." Mikasa lunged then, moving so fast an ordinary person almost couldn't have followed her. But Kuchel tucked into a ball and somersaulted through the air, rolling across the mat before springing to her feet and kicking at Mikasa. Her cousin sidestepped Kuchel's attack. She swung for the girl's head, but Kuchel rolled again. She grabbed her own wooden practice sword—Mikasa had insisted they start this training round with Kuchel unarmed. Pleased with herself, Kuchel attacked. She was much smaller than Mikasa, and that, combined with their equal physical strength, made this difficult. Kuchel frowned in concentration, trying to keep track of the blur of Mikasa's sword. Kuchel mostly defended herself, letting her mind wander. Letting the pink sign tell her what to do.
LEGS. It flashed in her mind. Kuchel ducked at Mikasa's next thrust and swung for the legs. She would have hit any other person. But Mikasa Ackerman wasn't anyone else.
Her older cousin flipped in the air, landing behind Kuchel and laying the blunt edge of the wooden blade against the child's throat as she stood up.
"Dead," Mikasa said.
"Crap." Kuchel pouted. Papa and Mikasa never let her win. They believed she wouldn't improve if they didn't treat her like a grown up.
"Hey, you're getting better." Mikasa patted her head before taking the practice swords and placing them against a rack across the room. The gym had a full mirrored wall. Kuchel saw how pink and sweaty her face had gotten. Ew, gross. "You're lifting almost two hundred pounds. That's remarkable for a little girl."
Kuchel beamed, skipping towards the lockers alongside Mikasa. She loved training days. Afterwards, Mikasa always bought her an ice cream. She wanted a strawberry sundae. Since Mama and Papa were away right now, no one would tell her not to eat too much ice cream.
Kuchel's stomach felt sick. She always felt sick when Mama and Papa went away. The last eight months or so, they'd been gone for two weeks out of every month. Mikasa usually went with them, so Kuchel and Oruo had to stay with their grandparents. They were nice, but they couldn't take away the fear that her parents would never come home one day.
"When are Mama and Papa getting home?" she asked softly as she and Mikasa took out their gym bags.
"Soon." Mikasa smiled and gently hugged Kuchel. "We got a telegram from the Gaelin front this morning. The mission was a success. They're both okay, and should be coming back next week."
Kuchel sighed in relief. Her stomach lifted up. She felt weightless when she knew they were safe.
"When's this gonna end?" They walked out to the street. The gym was in the center of Valle, and the bodyguards were waiting for them. They trailed Mikasa and Kuchel as they headed towards the ice cream parlor. "Why can't Uncle Erwin stop all this?"
She missed Armin. Why couldn't they all be friends?
"Uncle Erwin…" Mikasa sighed heavily. "I know this sounds like a dumb grown up thing to say, but you're a little too young to understand everything. But I promise, in a couple of years I'll explain everything that happened. It all starts before you were born. It's been going on a long time."
Wow. Over twelve years? That was a huge amount of time. Kuchel was stunned into silence.
"But you need to know one thing. Your Mama and Papa love you. Uncle Erwin loves you. I love you." Mikasa petted Kuchel's hair. "None of us is ever going to let anything happen to you."
"Can't I go and help?" Kuchel had asked this question multiple times. "Pleeeease? I'm twelve now. That's how old Papa says you were when you started training."
"I started training for war. I didn't fight until I was fifteen. And even that was too young," Mikasa said sternly. Whenever they talked about this, her cousin got a tight, hard look on her face. "Your Papa wouldn't be able to fight so well if he had to worry about you. He could make a mistake. You don't want that, right?"
"Nuh uh." Kuchel pouted, scuffing her sneaker along the sidewalk as they entered the ice cream parlor. A bell tinkled over the door. The shop smelled like caramel sauce. The best. Maybe she wanted a caramel sundae instead. "I miss them," she said quietly.
Mikasa hugged her again. Her cousin didn't hug people much, but she gave Kuchel really good hugs. Mikasa only showed her love to a few people. She'd never had a boyfriend as far as Kuchel knew, or a girlfriend. Whenever Kuchel and Oruo went over to Mikasa's apartment, they saw it was really boring with white walls and gray carpet. Mikasa didn't like making things pretty. She just seemed to…exist. It was weird. Like caring about things was too much energy.
She just fought a lot.
"Your parents will be home soon." Mikasa smiled as they sat down and ordered a vanilla cone for her and a strawberry waffle sundae for Kuchel. "They'll be back next week. I'll be taking their place."
"Where are they now?" Kuchel always wanted to hear it again and again. It was a way of picturing her parents in a specific place. Making it real. That made them safer, in a weird way.
"In Gael. They'll be home soon," Mikasa repeated. Grandma would call that "evasive." Mikasa always got quiet about where exactly they were. Spies could be around all the time. Spies for Uncle Erwin.
Kuchel frowned. She knew Uncle Erwin was the bad guy now, but she still loved him. He always sent presents on her birthday and at midwinter. Mama told Papa last year that Uncle Erwin would never hurt Kuchel.
It's why she'd lived when Cassius hadn't.
Her eyes got blurry with tears. Kuchel rubbed them away and took a big gooey spoonful of vanilla ice cream with strawberry sauce. Cassius had been her best friend, and…Uncle Erwin had told Mr. Forster to kill him.
It ripped her heart down the middle. Why would Uncle Erwin do that? Why?
"It'll be okay." Mikasa stroked her hair. "I'll never let anything happen to you. I promise."
"I love you, Mikasa." Kuchel beamed up at her cousin. Mikasa's face usually looked kinda sad, but she smiled at Kuchel. Everyone did.
"Love you, too." She didn't say that to a lot of people, which made Kuchel feel special.
When Mikasa dropped her off at the apartment, Grandma was making lunch. Grandpa and Oruo were at the table. Grandpa was reading the paper, and Oruo was munching on his favorite: a banana and peanut butter piece of bread with the crusts cut off. The peanut butter was smeared all over his face. Her brother attacked the bread, smacking his lips. They were gooey.
"Oruo, you need to swallow!" Kuchel said. He glared at her.
"Ah doo whuh ah wah," he said, and took another ferocious bite.
"Oruo Ackerman!" Grandma put a glass of milk in front of him as Kuchel sat down. Grandpa pinched her cheek and smiled, but he had tired eyes. Kuchel was always a little afraid that he'd have Bad News for her about Mama and Papa. But mostly, he was just sad because the war was horrible. That's what they called it. Horrible.
I could help. I could fight with Papa and Mikasa. We're the strongest people in the whole world. We could finish it.
Kuchel thought of what Papa had said, that she had all of her Ackerman ancestors whispering in her ear, telling her what to do. Her great-uncle Kenny was in there somewhere. Mama didn't seem to like him whenever Papa brought him up. Apparently Oruo was a little like great-uncle Kenny…but not too much, which was good.
"Mikasa says Mama and Papa will be home soon," Kuchel said. She frowned at her peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Grandma didn't like her getting ice cream before lunch, so Kuchel had to pretend she wasn't full. She took a bite.
"Yes. They will be." Grandma gave her a kiss and a glass of milk. Oruo stared at Kuchel, chewing with a wide open mouth so she could see his mashed up banana and sludgy peanut butter. "Oruo, you're so gross!"
"Aaaahhh maaaaah maaaaah," he said, making monster noises.
"Oruo!" Grandma fussed and wiped his face with a napkin while Oruo drooled peanut butter. Ewwww. "Honestly, Mikasa could have stayed for lunch. Always in a hurry, that girl." Grandma tsked as she put away the peanut butter.
"I asked her if I could go fight with her and Papa," Kuchel said. "She told me no."
"Good." Grandma sounded very tight and proper as she sat down and took a bite of her sandwich. "War is no place for little girls."
"But Mama and Mikasa—"
"Your Mama was eighteen the first time she went beyond the walls. You're only twelve. It's not the same thing." Grandma got the scary eyes. "Kuchel Isabel Ackerman, I am tired of talking with you about this. Your Mama and Papa would agree with me, and if I hear too much more about this I'm going to recommend to them that you stop training altogether."
"No! Don't do that!"
"Then eat your lunch and go do something nice. Play with your dolls."
"I don't play with dolls anymore," she grumbled. She still cuddled all of them, but her friends didn't know that. It was kinda embarrassing.
"Then go play in the park with your friends. Honestly, you're just like your mother." Grandma seemed pretty upset, so Kuchel stopped talking and ate. Oruo took a huge slurp of milk and glared at her.
"What, Oruo?"
He hurriedly took another bite of his lunch and a huge swallow of milk. Then he made swamp monster sounds as he let the whole slushy mess drool from his mouth while Grandma shrieked and started to clean him up.
Kuchel smiled and ate.
Mikasa did not have friends in this city apart from the Ackermans. She didn't need friends. She had her Azumabito warriors. After sparring with Kuchel, she caught a street car to the north end of the city, then a bus to the training grounds. She could have called for a car, but she liked the busy solitude of city transport. As she rode on the rickety bus, she imagined Armin and Eren seated to either side of her.
"Did you visit the sea, Mikasa?" Armin, forever fifteen, had those wide, excited eyes.
"Of course she did. We were all supposed to go together." Eren fidgeted, restless as always. She stared at him, tried recalling every detail of his hair and eyes and face. She tried to—
"Uh. Can I help you?" The girl seated next to her looked concerned.
"Sorry." Mikasa looked away.
She was always alone. Petra had encouraged her to try meeting people her age and going on dates. Mikasa had allowed a couple of guys to kiss her, but when she thought of going to her apartment with them, removing her clothes, and all the thrusting and sweating that would result she just got so tired. If she was going to sweat, better to train or to fight.
She'd only ever wanted one boy. She'd only ever thought of one face when she touched herself. She'd started doing that very late, at least as far as she knew. And whenever she did, she whispered his name when the pleasure filled her all the way up. For those perfect five seconds, she wasn't sad or alone.
But when she opened her eyes, Eren was gone. Then she'd curl up on her side and stare at the clock on her bedside table, counting the hours until she could get up and train.
Life had been cruel. Beautiful, yes, but she'd learned early on that she wasn't going to get the things she wanted most. Mikasa had accepted it; no one seemed to truly get what they craved. Except then she'd see Levi, and she'd see him with Petra and his children. Mikasa saw that some people did get their heart's desire.
She just wasn't going to be one of those people.
But she wasn't the type to dwell. She cried, and then she got up and did what she had to do. She had his memories. That would be enough.
She could have gotten together with Jean, who would have adored her. But she knew that it would have been using him. She would have resented him over time, and he would have given all the best of himself to someone who didn't want him.
She knew enough to know no good could come of it.
So she remained alone in her bed, only her fingers as company. But it wasn't so bad. It was a small life, maybe, but it was an honest one. There was clarity in that.
Mikasa got off at the right stop. Guards waited at the gates to the training grounds, and let her through with the tip of a cap. She went to the lockers and changed into her traditional Hizuran gear. On the battlefield, they all dressed in body armor. But here, they observed the old ways. Mikasa liked traditions. They gave her habit in place of happiness.
It was enough.
She walked out to the field. Her five hundred soldiers were assembled in perfect stance, awating her instructions as their leader. Hizurans did not have queens, but they had masters. Mikasa was their one master. They followed her out of duty, and out of love.
They loved that she fought at their side. And she loved them all, in her own way.
Mikasa unsheathed her sword.
"Let's begin," she said.
"Fire!"
Petra stood alongside the gunner, the hot, dust-filled air whirling about her as the machine guns rattled off. She wondered if the Gaelin were falling on the opposite end of that dusty cloud. The thought rippled her stomach.
Petra drew her sword from its sheath very slowly. The Gaelin and many others on the Aeropan continent had come to realize that, if you could make it close to the big Marleyan artillery, the people knew nothing about hand to hand combat. Surprise ambushes of that variety, along with a smattering of guns, had made a big impact recently. So Petra, Mikasa, and Levi had worked with the different battalions on swordplay.
"Hold steady," Petra said. Her hands gripped the hilt tightly. She wished for some ODM, but nowadays it'd be too easy to shoot her out of the sky.
Through the choking dust, screams surrounded the battalion. Figures raced out at her through the cloud, men and women now so sandy-colored you might think they were monsters who'd been formed from the earth. Petra's sword met an enemy's. Being a petite woman, she had to finish off human opponents quickly. Only Mikasa had the capacity to engage in prolonged swordplay with a burly man. If an encounter lasted longer than five swings of the blade, Petra's chance of death tripled.
Fortunately, she had learned how to be quick.
She struck the blade to the side and then buried her sword to the hilt in the man's stomach. He screamed as she yanked it out, then ducked as his sword swished just above her. He'd tried to take her with him into death, but hadn't succeeded. The soldier collapsed, blood gushing from his wound. He groaned as he died.
Petra did not feel when she was on the field. She couldn't. But she knew that she'd hear that sound in her dreams tonight. For every night for the rest of her life.
Teeth gritted, she shouted for the machine gunners to fire again. The slower line of surprise attackers were mowed down in a cloud of red. Petra stared at the blood dripping down the line of her sword. Unlike Titan blood, this would remain. She'd have to wash it off herself.
No getting away from what she'd done.
Tomorrow we're going home to Kuchel and Oruo. Focus.
She gritted her teeth when another attacker swung at her from out of the dust. Another man. She parried his blow, shoved him away with her foot, and then sliced her sword neatly across his throat. Blood spurted everywhere, and she watched him fall with a heavy dullness in her gut. I'm sorry.
Around her, the screams of the dying made an awful music.
Petra looked down at the man as he bucked and died. Her brow furrowed; he was a kid. Couldn't be more than eighteen or nineteen. Tears shone in his eyes as he raised a bloody hand to her.
Levi had once clutched the hand of a dying soldier, told him that his death had meaning…
This boy probably had a mother who would never see her son again. Impulse drove Petra to her knee. She clasped the boy's hand.
"I'm here," she whispered.
"Majesty!"
Petra could sense the attack coming from behind. She turned with awful slowness to find a Gaelin soldier so close, the sword raised to cut through her neck. Petra couldn't get away in time—
A whirling flash sped by. The soldier's head flew into the air, landing on the ground beside Petra.
"Oi. Brat. Don't let your guard down," Levi snapped. But when he saw what she was doing, he sniffed and kept lookout over Petra and the dying boy. She squeezed his bloody hand. Tears slid down his dust-streaked face.
"I'm sorry," she said. Petra closed his eyes when they became vacant. He was dead. She tasted something bitter in the back of her throat, and rose beside her husband. The king and queen looked out onto the wasteland ahead of them, both poised and ready for an attack.
As the dust settled, they saw a massive graveyard before them. Over two hundred slaughtered bodies riddled with bullets from machine guns.
"Guess we won." Levi sounded hollow.
It was war. But it was also hell.
Petra's hands shook a little as she poured water into a basin and soaped her bloody hands. The dried blood flaked away. She removed her field jacket and shirt and washed her neck and face, her chest and arms. She splashed water on the back of her neck and shut her eyes. The king and queen's tent was spacious, but it was still a tent. Outside, she heard the constant crunch of military boots and the rise and fall of voices. Somewhere in the distance, there was a whistle. Meal time.
As royalty, she and Levi could eat in the privacy of their tent if they wished. Normally they sat with the men, but Petra wasn't sure she could face the soldiers tonight.
That boy. He could have been Kuchel or Oruo. Armin. They could die on some far off field one day, bleed out while crying and she would not be there to save them. To hold them. Her babies…
She hadn't understood war until she became a mother. She understood its tragic necessity; she wasn't a pacifist. This war was too important to lose, and soldiers died. But she detested it. There was no honor in this. Anyone who would take pride in seeing a teenage boy dead under his boot was not a person. Not in the strictest sense.
She wanted to go home. But she would not let other people shoulder a burden she should carry as well.
Petra looked up as Levi entered the tent. His face and clothes were streaked with dust. He looked like a faded memory of himself.
"Hi," he croaked. She watched him pour his own water and wash while she dried herself with a towel. Petra eyed her husband as he stripped his torso bare and scrubbed until his skin was pink and raw. He wasn't even that dirty.
"Levi."
He looked at her. He toweled off his face, came over, and held her. Petra moaned as his lips pressed hard against hers. His cheeks rasped slightly on her own; he hadn't shaved yet. She sighed as he undid her bra. He quickly unbuttoned his trousers and slid out of his boots while Petra did the same. When they were both naked, he led her by the hand to one of their army cots. He laid her down upon it, then lowered himself on top of her. There was no foreplay. When he had this madness in his eyes, he wanted release. Immediately.
Petra was already wet, and gasped as he filled her. Just wet enough that it wasn't painful, but unprepared enough that she felt him stretch her. Her eyes fluttered shut in pleasure as his hips jerked and he rode her. Petra lay on the thin army cot, looked up at her husband as he fucked her. Their breath came faster. It felt almost daring with the voices of men and women mere feet from where the king and queen made love. A piece of tarp was all that separated them in their most intimate moment from the eyes of the whole camp.
"Oh." Petra shivered as Levi picked up the pace. He grunted as their bodies slapped together. He bared his teeth. He had hoisted himself up, looking down on her as he thrust. They only touched where his body entered hers. He didn't need love right now. He needed sex. So did she.
She tilted her hips, felt his cock rub her clit. Petra bit her lip and finally moaned as she came. It felt so decadent, so wrong to come in a military camp. Levi followed after her, finally collapsing on top of her. As soldiers drilled outside, they held each other, hearts beating in frantic unison.
Afterwards, they cleaned up and lay naked together. Levi propped himself on an elbow and clasped her breast. His thumb rolled around and around her nipple. Petra trailed her fingers along his stubbled face.
"Thank god I got you," he whispered hoarsely.
"The same," she replied. He kissed her. He lay down beside her. She slipped her leg between his, and held him close. They lay there, listening to the camp.
"Willy's here," he said. "Got in an hour ago. Wants us all to meet tonight. He brought Hange with him."
Petra frowned. If Willy had brought Hange, it meant that hyperfusion was very likely the reason for their visit.
They got dressed and waited for Hange and Willy. The two arrived as dusk was settling. They were served dinner, which amounted to some beans and hard tack. As king, Levi could have requested poultry and vegetables, but he wanted the good food to go around to the soldiers. One of the reasons they were willing to die for him.
There were the customary smiles, how are you's. Willy looked distant these days. He'd finally cut his long hair, as it was starting to thin on top. Plus, there were bags under his eyes when he was still a little too young for them. When Cassius had been killed, Willy had been diminished. Levi told Petra once that he came in on the king drinking and sobbing in his office.
"Should've been me." Willy had knocked his glass of whiskey over. "If I'd jus' eaten the damn Titan, he'd still be here. I should've died, not him."
Levi had clumsily offered comfort. But Petra knew those words would play in Willy's mind for the rest of his life.
As for Giulia…
"So. What's going on?" Levi, blunt as ever, asked.
"When Erwin took most of Kiyomi's engineers and physicists hostage last year, we knew to expect something like this." Willy dabbed his forehead with a handkerchief. Hange looked thinner than ever. She never ate when she was obsessed with a problem, and now there was no Moblit or Levi or Pieck there to look after her.
"What happened?" Petra asked.
"The missile launch program. He's concentrated it onto Paradis Island." Hange took over while Willy kept looking grim. "Reconnaissance over the island is pretty impossible these days, and approaching it over sea…" She trailed off, shrugged. That said everything. "But we've received intelligence that says hyperfusion production is off the charts. The engineers have created a working launch program. And it sounds like they've outdone themselves. The propulsion alone—"
"Hange. What are you saying?" Levi snapped.
"I'm saying that if the reports are correct, Erwin has enough bombs stocked that he could leave the rest of the planet in a pile of rubble," Hange replied. "Or at least this hemisphere."
"He wouldn't do that." Petra shook her head. "Erwin's a monster, but he told the truth when he said he doesn't want to kill everyone. He wants to rule the world, not a pile of ashes."
"Besides, that fallout you talked about," Levi said. "Wouldn't that shit make it bad for Paradis in the long run?"
"Most likely, yes," Hange said. "It won't be as bad as everywhere else; the parts of the world that aren't obliterated on impact will experience a kind of endless winter. Crops will fail. People will die. The radiation will make those who weren't killed wish they had been." Petra had never heard Hange sound this bleak before. This woman had been the most brilliant member of the Survey Corps, and a bundle of energy. Petra had never understood Hange like Levi did, but she'd always been fond of the eccentric squad leader. Now that bright, chipper young woman had vanished. A weary middle-aged scientist had taken her place, a woman ground down by life.
Petra hated Erwin for that.
"But Paradis?" Levi asked.
"It'll experience some of those symptoms, but lesser. There'll be eventual crop failure. Some sterility. Cancer. Probably a third of the population will be dead in twenty years' time." She sighed. "But after that, things'll start to get better. The rest of the world will be blown off the map, but Paradis will come out all right."
"I agree with Petra," Levi said. He looked hard. "Erwin's not that man. Look, Sieg—Armin's all he cares about, right? Why would he create a situation that has a one in three chance of his son dying?"
"I don't think he's planning on ragnarok," Willy said. Petra recalled the Ring Cycle. Gotterdammerung, they'd called it. Twilght of the gods. Same thing. The end of the world. "I believe he intends to take down a few random cities worldwide to show the efficacy of his plan. Then he'll give us a choice. Surrender, or let the devastation continue."
Petra shut her eyes. That sounded more like Erwin.
"What the fuck do we do?" Levi rasped.
Willy and Hange exchanged looks. Petra felt some hesitation.
"What?" she asked.
"We've been trying to breach the island for a while, but between Paradis's arms and the titans, making landfall is nigh impossible. The biggest goal, of course, is Erwin's death and Paradis's disarmament. But…" He looked at Hange.
"We're afraid of what happens if we try attacking head on and he unleashes the hyperfusion bombs," she said. "It'd be a hell of a deterrant. Sow a lot of chaos."
"Four Eyes. Tell me what you're not telling me."
"A surprise attack on Paradis," she said softly. Petra watched Hange grip the loose fabric of her trousers. She needed something to hold on to. "Hyperfusion bombs delivered to Mitras, Shiganshina, Calaneth—"
"What?" Petra felt the world slide away beneath her feet. Her home. Their home. Hange didn't mean to destroy it. Did she?
"A concentrated hyperfusion attack would kill much of the population and create the endless winter we discussed on Paradis," Willy said. He didn't look at them. "But the fallout wouldn't be too bad worldwide. And Erwin and his arms would be taken off the map."
"So you want me to be king of what, exactly?" Levi stood up. When he was this still, this calm, was when you needed to be most afraid. "A pile of shit? A dead population?"
"It's a last resort," Hange whispered.
"It's a "never in a million years" resort," he snapped. He turned flashing eyes to Hange. Petra shivered thinking of Brigitta. Armin. Pixis, and Anka, and Rico. Home. The fields she'd run through as a child, the city streets. The memories soaked into every blade of grass. Her homeland. They'd destroy it?
"How could you even let him suggest this?" Levi snarled at Hange. She shrank a little.
"I suggested it to him," Hange mumbled. That rocked Levi back on his heels.
"Who are you? Who the fuck are you?" he barked.
"Levi. Stop." Petra grabbed his wrist. She forced him to sit back down, though he kept shooting Hange the filthiest looks. Petra had to be calm. She had to save her son. She would not let him disintegrate in a blast. She'd die before she let that happen."
"I tried so hard never to bring it up." Hange's voice was flat. Dead. Her spirit was gone. "I've had it in my mind for almost a year, but I couldn't say the words until we got this new information." She drew a deep, shuddering breath. "We may have to choose between Paradis and the rest of the world."
"That's not a choice. I'll never fucking agree to that," Levi snarled. Now he was going on the attack. Now they all held their breath, knowing what this man could do if he stepped over the edge. "I am not going to sit back and murder hundreds of thousands of innocent people to get one asshole. And my word trumps both of yours. I'm king, after all."
"Not quite yet," Willy said quietly.
Petra's eyes widened. It was silent in the tent.
"Tell me something, Willy." Levi's voice was a deadly hush. "You planning on telling me what to do and who to kill after we take back Paradis, too?"
"You said yourself that you're a soldier. Not a politician."
"There's politics, and then there's this." Now Petra had to try reining herself in. "You're asking us to blow up our home. Our people. What kind of king and queen does that?"
"It's a last resort. It probably won't happen," Hange said.
"So you came all the way over here to tell me some shit that's 'never gonna happen'?" Levi said, his tone mocking. Hange shut her eyes. "We got one month until Erwin dies. One month! We can do this."
"It's likely that even if Erwin can't save himself, he'll appoint a successor to carry out his wishes. The likeliest candidate is Floch Forster. Why else would Erwin have allowed him to eat such a valuable titan as the War Ham—" Willy froze in the middle of speaking. His voice failed. He put his head in his hands. Petra felt for him in that moment. She could not imagine the horror and the pain of losing his son.
But if he wanted her to know from experience how it felt, he was mistaken.
"I think we need to try something else," she said softly.
"Petra?" Levi turned to her.
"We can destroy Paradis. Erwin can destroy the world. We're each holding a gun to the other's head. Fighting at this point is only going to make us trigger happy, especially as Erwin's time ticks down. We have to try to negotiate with him."
"That man lives to get people to negotiate." Levi sounded aggrieved. "You can't talk your way around him. He'll end up making you give him everything wrapped up in a shitty bow."
"What other choice do we have?" She looked at them all, one by one. "Because let me be clear: I will never let you kill my son. If you want to launch those bombs, you're going to have to kill me first."
The tension in the room shifted. Levi would never let harm come to Petra, and no one could get through Levi.
"You both thought of this negotiation thing. Didn't you?" Levi asked. Hange nodded.
"We actually came to the same conclusion as you, Levi." Willy's voice quavered as he continued to get himself under control. "Talk with Erwin rarely succeeds. A war of attrition is ruining all of us, causing more global chaos, and will likely be made moot by who deploys their warheads first."
"So the choice is we try talking to Erwin, or we accept that millions of people are going to die?" Petra snorted. Bright lights flashed at the edges of her vision. Her heart pounded. "I think it's worth a shot, don't you?"
"Erwin won't leave his stronghold on Paradis, and I don't want Levi or myself to go to him. Too much can happen," Willy said.
Petra took a deep breath.
"Then it's simple. You have to send me," she said.
Levi must not've heard that right. He looked at his wife, saw that, yes, her head was indeed on straight.
"Pet. Be logical," he said. She glared at him.
"I am. Willy's king of Marley. You've got the "blood" that makes you king of Paradis. I'm a queen consort." She recalled Erwin using that phrase a while back, the day he kidnapped her. "I'm not essential."
"You are," Levi snapped. Was he gonna have to tie here up? Was that it? He'd do it.
"Levi is right," Willy said. "You are a prime motivator for the troops, and an essential figure to the press. People love the royal family namely because they love you."
"And if I stand by and let you blow up my own country, will people love me then?"
"Petra!" Levi never yelled at her, rarely snapped at her. But between being told he had to murder everyone he'd ever known back on Paradis and her offering to fling herself onto Erwin Smith's mercy, he'd had enough. "I am not going to let you do this."
"Let me?" She looked pissed.
"If Erwin takes you hostage, he'll have me by the balls. I can't lose you. Ever," Levi choked. "I'd kill anyone who tried to bomb Paradis with you on it, and that'd just give Erwin all the freedom he wants to do any heinous shit."
"You have to trust me."
"I do. I don't trust him." Petra looked ready to keep arguing, so he headed her off at the pass. "This isn't some male bullshit thing. I'm not protecting you. I'm protecting Marley and Paradis. If you're taken, the world'll go nuts. I'll go nuts. You know I can't promise I won't."
She quieted at that. She shut her eyes, but took his hand.
"You know he'll have me at his mercy," Levi said.
Petra sighed. "But if we can't talk, that means millions of people are going to die either way!"
Hange coughed. Everyone turned to her.
"Why don't I go?" she asked. The brunette fiddled with her glasses. "I know Erwin as well as Levi does. I know how to work around his mind games better than anyone else here." That was true. Hange was the only one here that had insane smarts and deep understanding of Erwin. "If I'm captured, the allies don't lose power. Erwin's already taken my hyperfusion ideas. He can't pump me for tactical information, because I'm in my lab most of the time. And I'm the only one here who knows what to look for when it comes to those weapons. Maybe I can find out how stocked he really is, and how ready to launch."
The tent was silent. Willy cleared his throat.
"Delaying a surprise attack may end in us losing this war." Blunt, this king. "Between fighting Erwin's nationalist troops and fending off insurgents declaring their own independence, we're overwhelmed. It's unlikely this talk will result in a favorable outcome, let alone a compromise. Bombing Paradis means killing innocents. But ten times as many innocents will die if Erwin attacks first."
"He has to know we can bomb him easily as he can bomb us," Levi said. "If he sets off those missiles, he's just inviting us to kill him and his son."
Petra made a noise.
"Levi has a point." Hange sounded eager. Didn't want to kill her home, either.
"If we attack first, we can destroy his weaponry and prevent a counterattack. Besides, for all we know Erwin's anticipated us attacking him in retaliation. Knowing him, he probably has a backup plan to shield himself and his son. If Paradis falls, he has armies of nationalists spread all over the world at this point. The fighting will only grow bloodier. If he attacks first, he must have a plan to keep us from retaliating. Our only chance is to do this before him."
Everyone looked grim and sick. The candlelight turned everyone's faces craggy, hollow. Skeletal.
"I'm not going to do it," Levi said at last. His eyes narrowed. It felt like someone was pounding on the inside of his skull. His whole head felt tight. "I can't do it. I can't knowingly kill all those people."
"You'd let millions die to avoid blood on your hands?" Willy asked.
Levi sneered. "I've killed more people with my two hands than you can imagine. I killed and tortured people to save Paradis during the Uprising. I'd do it again. I'm not some faint-hearted bitch." He pulled his shoulders back. "But I've never killed kids. I've never killed innocent women, or sick people. I kill those who threaten me and mine. I'll go to Paradis and fight my way down the whole fucking island, killing every last soldier and person who tries to stop me. But I am not going to kill innocent people to get Erwin."
"You'd just consign more innocent people to death." Willy sounded pissed.
"Y'know, king, when Marley ordered that secret attack on Paradis to steal the Founder all those years ago, I saw the refugees. I saw them starving when there wasn't enough food to go around. I saw the kids cry when their parents were forced to fight the titans back, literally to decrease the population to an acceptable level for survival." Levi tightened his fist. "I saw pain like you wouldn't believe. To you, it's a numbers game. But I've seen the faces of those who wind up in the 'acceptable losses' category." He looked Willy right in the eyes. "I will kill you if that's what it takes to keep those bombs from going off. Won't want to do it, but I will. So where's that leave us?"
Petra took his hand. She squeezed his fingers, and he knew she was proud.
"I have to try," Hange said simply. Levi saw sick relief in her eyes. She had come here because she knew he'd never allow this thing. He realized that now; she'd brought Willy here so Levi could stop him. He almost smiled. Damn Four Eyes. She was clever. "Let's at least reach out and see if Erwin's willing to talk. Can we do that much before we move forward with any other plan?"
Petra and Levi regarded Willy with their flat, level gazes. The Tybur king knew when he was outnumbered.
"Yes," he said at last. Though he didn't appear pleased. "I think we can manage that."
Kuchel squealed with glee when her parents returned home, even though Papa looked so tired. Oruo grunted, but hugged them both. Papa took her and Oruo to the movies, their favorite treat. Then he took them to the park, and bought them ice cream. Kuchel hugged Papa. He always looked kind of mad at the world, but when he got a hug from her he smiled.
"I've got a real good girl," he said.
Oruo walked over, frowning.
"I'm not a girl," he said.
"Nah. You're a good boy." Levi tousled his hair.
"No. Imma monster." Then Oruo made horrible gnashing sounds and stomped off to ruin a sandcastle he'd built.
"Well. He's not wrong," Papa said.
Everything got better when Mama and Papa came home. Mama braided Kuchel's hair, and Grandma and Grandpa seemed so much happier. Kuchel and Oruo wanted to go to the beach one day, since it was summer. Usually they'd stop at the pier and ride the carousel and eat caramel apples. But Mama and Papa said that they couldn't. Too much work. They both looked real tired, Kuchel realized.
She didn't press about the beach. She just made them a paper heart and got Oruo to sign it as well. That cheered Mama up.
"I have the sweetest little girl." She hugged Kuchel.
Kuchel was worried that her parents would go back out there soon, but Papa assured her they were home for a few weeks at least. They had to talk to Willy Tybur a lot. It sounded tiring.
Kuchel couldn't help wondering just what was going on out there. They wouldn't let Kuchel listen to the news programs. She saw some newsreels when she went to the movies with her friends, but there just wasn't enough information. She did see Uncle Erwin a couple of times. Kuchel's heart always hurt when she saw him.
She knew there was a way to make this all stop. Why couldn't they just talk to Uncle Erwin? She knew that would fix everything.
But Kuchel tried not to think about it too much. She trained at the gym with Papa and went shopping for a new dress with Mama. She yelled at Oruo to get out of her room and went to the beach with her friends. They had sleepovers in the Ackerman apartment a couple of times. Regina, Camilla, and Patrizia were her best friends, and they'd all sprawl out in the big living room with sleeping bags and blanket forts, giggling as they listened to all the romantic radio programs with the volume turned way down low. Mama would be mad if she found out. Kuchel wasn't much of a rebel, but it felt very daring.
But as one week turned into two, she couldn't help but feel that something was really, really wrong.
The maid let Petra in. She knew her way, and knocked on the bedroom door.
"Wha?" a woman's voice croaked.
"Giulia, it's me. Can I come in?"
The woman made a noncommittal noise. Petra entered. Even though it was two in the afternoon, the shades were still drawn. Giulia had not been out of bed yet. Her hair was rumpled, one strap of her silk nightdress fallen down her arm. Petra noticed a half empty bottle of red wine, and a glass with a crimson residue at the bottom. There were also a few prescription bottles. She hoped to hell Giulia hadn't been mixing them with the booze.
"Willy called. He asked me to come over and see if you wanted to get up."
"Hmmmph."
Petra opened the curtains, letting the afternoon sun flood the room. Giulia hissed like some nocturnal animal, rolling over so her face was in the pillow. Petra compromised and half shut them again, then went and sat on the edge of the bed.
She wrinkled her nose. She'd been here last week, and didn't think Giulia had bathed since then.
"Hey. How about this? Why don't you grab a shower and get dressed, and I'll get the kitchen to make us some lunch?"
The Tyburs lived in a palatial mansion in the Bluffs District, the priciest part of Valle. The house stood near a cliff overlooking the sea. It was gorgeous today with blue skies and fluffy white clouds.
"Then we could take a walk! Get some fresh air. What do you think?"
"Petra?" Giulia peered up, her eyes half lidded. "I know you mean well, darlin'. But fuck off."
She wasn't deterred or offended. It only made her sad. Giulia had been like this ever since the day Cassius died. Petra had been there when Willy told her the news. Whatever resentment she'd still harbored in her heart evaporated when she saw Giulia fall to her knees and utter the starkest wail of horror she'd ever heard in her life. Petra had gone home shaking, and after she looked after Kuchel and left her with Ingrid she'd gone into her room, turned on the shower, and sat fully clothed on the floor and sobbed, letting the water drown out the noise.
No mother should ever have to lose a child.
"It's good you've been taking your pills," Petra said softly. "But Willy says you stopped going to see Dr. Schroeder."
"Woman's a quack."
"She's a well-respected psychiatrist. She wants to help you."
"I don't want help. I want to go to sleep."
Petra took a deep breath. "We're afraid you're sleeping too much."
"We?" That finally got Giulia to sit up. She looked haggard. "You and Willy? Like you both care so fucking much."
"We do."
"That man's waiting for me to kill myself and release him." She sniffed and flopped back into bed. "Only reason I don't do it. I want to spite him."
Petra shut her eyes. She felt so heavy.
"Marcus, Brutus, and Julius need you," she whispered.
"And I need Cassius. But I guess we're all going to have to live with disappointment," Giulia spat. She curled in on herself. "He was my favorite." Giulia whimpered. Her face began to break. "I know you shouldn't have favorites as a mother. I love all my children. But he was such a sweetheart. So gentle." She cried. Petra didn't dare touch her. "I should've known they'd use him for the War Hammer. That stupid fucking ritual! Willy wouldn't do it; his fucking mother wouldn't do it. No, they let a little baby boy shoulder all that shit. They're evil! They're fucking evil!"
She was starting to shout. Petra knew trying to hush her would make it worse, so she calmly waited. Besides, she didn't entirely disagree.
"There's nothing I can do or say that'll make this better." Petra spoke calmly after Giulia cried herself out. "There's no way I can understand what you're feeling right now. And I know feeling guilty is the last thing you need. But I don't believe Cassius would want you to be like this."
"Well, lucky for Cassius he's dead and gone and can't see. So thank fuck for that, I guess," Giulia growled.
Shit. That'd been the wrong move. Petra had never felt so tired. Whenever she tried to imagine Kuchel dead like that, or Oruo, or Armin, there one second and gone forever the next, her mind nearly broke. She remembered the instant she thought Kuchel had followed Cassius into death. She'd felt an ache right at her center. It was like reliving in an instant all the pain of carrying Kuchel, giving birth, nursing her. All the extraordinary changes her body had made to bring that little life into the world, and all that incredible work undone in half a second. She'd felt her whole body ripping to pieces.
Every life was an incredible miracle. Generations upon generations falling like dominoes to create this one particular person, this unique individual. All that work, gone in an instant.
She had killed people. She knew what it felt to potentially do that to some other mother somewhere.
Maybe she shouldn't be here. She had no right to offer Giulia any comfort or judgment.
"Can I at least get the cook to make you some lunch?"
"If you want." Giulia shrugged. "Won't eat it."
Petra stood there, so numb. So miserable. So guilty.
"Giulia. I…" She said the only thing she could think of. "I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry."
Giulia roused herself and looked at Petra with puffed, empty eyes.
"What good's that do me now?" she croaked.
"Pet? You okay?" Levi asked.
She snapped out of it and looked at her husband and Hange. They'd all gathered in the living room around the coffee table. Their tea had gone cold, the cookies remained untouched. Only Hange's glass of whiskey had been replenished. They were speaking softly about her upcoming trip to Paradis.
That was the big news of the day. After some negotiaton, Erwin had agreed to let Hange come on a diplomatic mission. It was a small victory, but they had to proceed with excess caution. For instance, Erwin had, of course, made a demand. When all trade and travel between Marley and Paradis shut down a year ago, both Marleyans and Paradisians had been stranded in opposite countries. Many on Paradis wanted to return home, and more importantly Erwin was certain there were plenty in Marley who wanted to go back to the island. They'd agreed on a swap of sorts, setting up ships in both Libero and Valle to receive and send people to and from their homes.
In exchange, Willy had ensured that Hange would come with an entourage, all equipped with weapons. Should negotiations falter and Erwin get any funny ideas.
The king had agreed. So now they were just setting the date and going over every last detail.
"Pet?" Levi prompted when she remained silent.
"Yeah. Just thinking about Giulia." She had a headache. Never been this exhausted before.
Levi looked down in sympathy.
"The boats start moving next week," Hange said. She scratched her messy brown hair. "Willy thinks I should fly over next Wednesday. My guess is Erwin and I will be in negotiations until at least Friday. Then I'll come back." She'd been guaranteed safe passage.
"Will there be any time to scope out the weapons situation?" Levi asked.
"I'll see what I can do. At the very least, I'll probably get a look at the palace's titan pits. I can also see how Erwin's feeling. If he's trigger happy." She heaved a sigh. "I know this is a crap thing to say, but I'm sorry I pressured you to choose Erwin in Shiganshina."
"You never know how things'll work out," Levi replied instantly.
Except they did have an idea. Petra had heard Eren speak of a world in which Armin had been chosen. It had…sounded like a potentially better one.
But it's a world where the kids and I are also dead. She didn't care for her own sake, but for her three babies she couldn't regret the decision.
"Does Willy really believe it's going to come down to…" The words stuck in her throat. "Bombing Paradis?" she murmured.
"I hope not." Hange's eyes closed. "Back in the Survey Corps, we always talked about saving humanity from the titans. And now—"
"Now that means maybe blowing up our own country. Yeah. It sucks," Levi said. He looked so flat and empty. Petra rubbed his arm.
"It can't come to that," Petra said.
"It could." Hange slumped. "I'm sorry, Petra, but if we have to choose between the rest of the world and Paradis, I—"
"No!"
The adults all flinched as Kuchel raced into the room. Her black hair was rumpled from sleep. Shit, they must have woken her. And as her daughter's eyes filled with tears, Petra's heart sank. Kuchel had heard enough.
"Baby, come here." She held out her hand.
"You're, you're not gonna do it. Papa? Papa, don't let them! No! N-Not Armin! And what about Auntie Brigitta? Wh-what about them, and Connie and Sasha? You can't! You can't!" The child began to scream and sob. Petra got up, but Levi got to Kuchel first. He took her shoulders.
"I'm not gonna let it happen. Okay, kid?" He sounded hard. Strained.
Petra winced. Levi could not make that promise. And Kuchel could tell. She began bawling, shoved her father away.
"Kuchel!" Petra gasped. Levi looked like someone had shot him. His daughter had never done that before.
"You're all lying! You're all a bunch of liars!" She was sobbing now, her little face bright red. "Why can't you just talk to Uncle Erwin? Why not?"
"Aunt Hange's going to do just that, sweetheart," Petra said. She reached for Kuchel, who pulled away. "She'll talk to him."
"But why can't you? Huh? Why can't you just get him to let us see Armin? Why not? Why can't we?"
Petra had never seen Kuchel hysterical like this before. Her gut chilled as she imagined the girl tearing the place apart in an Ackerman rage.
"Oi! Stop crying! Stop this bullshit!" Levi snapped. He gripped her shoulder, holding her as the child pulled away. Kuchel couldn't stop weeping. Petra realized that this had been the dam bursting. Her parents going away, the newsreels of war, the fear for Armin and them and even Erwin…she'd heard that her father might kill her Uncle Erwin and little brother and she'd officially lost it. Petra tried to hug the girl while Kuchel batted wildly at Levi. But her father held her.
And Levi looked possessed. All the pain and stress was tearing him down. Having his little girl look at him like a monster was shattering something.
"No! Nooooo!" Kuchel screamed at a pitch that could break glass. Petra heard her parents' door close upstairs, heard their slippered feet on the staircase. Ingrid rushed down with her hair in curlers.
"What's going on?" she barked.
"Kuchel's going to bed now." Levi sounded so tired. He'd never looked this miserable before.
Then Kuchel, still screeching, slapped her father hard across the face. With her Ackerman strength, it was horrifying.
"Levi!" Petra cried. He fell, stunned. She rushed in. "Kuchel Isabel Ackerman, how dare you?"
Her daughter hugged herself and rocked back and forth, shivering and weeping. Petra's heart broke.
But Levi got up, massaging his jaw. He looked at his daughter with fire in his eyes.
"Get in your room." His voice had never been that cold, not with her. "Now. Or so help me, I will bust your ass open!"
"Levi!" Petra and Ingrid were horrified. But Kuchel fled. She rushed down the hallway, Levi storming after her. Petra chased them both. Oruo's bedroom door opened. Her son rubbed his eye.
"What's going on?" he croaked.
"Go back to bed. Now!" Petra would go to him in a minute. Ingrid thankfully dealt with Oruo as the parents entered Kuchel's room. Their daughter flung herself face down onto her bed, kicking and sobbing. Levi stood over her, shuddering with impotent rage.
He had never scared Petra like this before.
"Levi," she said in warning.
"Look at me. Oi. Look at me!"
"Why, why can't you make it all stop? Wh-why can't you just talk to him?" Kuchel gave a wrenching cry, gripping her pillow. "Why are you so mean?"
"I'm mean?" Levi looked utterly white. "I'm mean?" Then something changed in his eyes. "You spoiled little brat, you want to see mean? You got any idea what mean looks like? Take a look now! Right fucking now!"
He had never screamed at Kuchel before. Petra had only heard him yell a few times in her life. It was monstrous. He didn't grab their daughter, but he stood over her and shouted while she curled into a ball.
"You want nice? You think Uncle Erwin's nice? After everything he's done to your mother? You ungrateful, selfish, spoiled little bitch!"
"Levi!" Petra put herself between him and their daughter. Her husband's horrific grimace relaxed. He blinked, as if waking from a trance. Kuchel continued to kick and sob. She wailed like a banshee. "Let me deal with this. Please."
He looked like he'd argue, but when he blinked at Kuchel a look of pure, sick horror washed over him. He staggered out of the room. Petra sat beside her daughter.
"Kuchel. Look at me," she said calmly.
It took half an hour, but she finally got the girl to stop crying. Ingrid brought a glass of water. Petra saw to it that Kuchel calmed entirely. She told the girl they'd discuss it tomorrow morning, but only like civilized people. Kuchel nodded, and sheepishly apologized. Petra kissed her forehead.
When she shut out the light and left the room, she found Levi standing just outside. He looked like a haunted man. His face was slack.
"I gotta—"
"No. Tomorrow." Petra gently took his hand and led him to the parlor. Hange had put on her coat.
"Er. I'll come back up tomorrow. We can discuss it all then." She paused. "Or maybe you both should come downstairs."
Good idea. Petra saw Hange out, locked the door, told her parents to go back upstairs, and then went to bed with Levi. He shambled through the nightly routine, looking like he'd faint if she breathed on him wrong. She helped him into bed, and sat beside him.
"I…I yelled at her." He looked ready to vomit.
"It was going to happen sooner or later."
"I called her a bitch. Why did I do that?"
"It wasn't a good word, you're right. But it was a stressful moment. You can both apologize to each other tomorrow."
"She hates me now." He looked dizzy. Ever since he'd held Kuchel as a tiny newborn, he'd adored her. The idea that she hated him was crushing.
"You are her favorite person." Petra kissed his cheek. She held him close. "We're going to have a good talk with her tomorrow. We're going to explain how the bomb is almost absolutely not going to happen."
"She'll notice the almost," he croaked.
Yes. There was still the possibility that they would have to… Or even more likely, that Erwin would bomb Liberio. Or Valle.
The thought turned Petra's stomach. If the bomb fell, they'd all be dead in half a second. Nothing could save them.
But Erwin would probably only attack major cities…
"I have an idea." She kissed his temple. "Remember that summer camp we talked about a couple of months ago? The one that's three weeks long and on the Amalfia Islands?"
"Yeah. Yeah, that adventure camp." It was for ages six to sixteen. They'd thought the kids might like it. There was hiking, swimming, boat rides and campfires. A good opportunity for two city kids to run around in nature.
"I think there's still time to enroll them. For the True King, they'll be sure to accommodate the kids. We can get them out of here until…"
Levi understood. The camp would wrap up right after Erwin's 'deadline' passed. If he died, a lot of the threat went away. If he didn't…well. They'd be nowhere near a point of hyperfusion attack.
"They need some fresh air," Petra said. "They need to have some fun without any radios or newsreels to scare them."
"Fuck, Petra." His face began to fall. He was fighting tears. A broken man. "I called my little baby a…"
He fought himself. The great Levi Ackerman, the most frightening warrior alive, reduced to nothing after a fight with his daughter. War didn't break him; love did.
"Baby." She kissed him. "It's going to be all right. This is not going to tear you apart. Everything will be fine." He kissed her back. He hugged her close. She was an anchor in his arms. "Tomorrow I'm going to call that camp. And we'll talk to Kuchel and Oruo. Okay?"
"You are the only thing in my life that doesn't suck," he breathed. She grinned.
"Neither do your kids, who adore you. The world loves you. We're so close to finishing this." She kissed his cheek. "And then we'll find a good, quiet part of Paradis and get things back on track. We'll live our lives in peace. Our kids will be safe. Just a little more stress, and it'll be over."
"I don't deserve you." He kissed her lips. "You damn goddess."
She held him tight.
The next day, they sat down with the children and calmly talked it all out. Levi apologized to Kuchel, and she apologized to him. Father and daughter hugged. When Levi asked if they all wanted to get an ice cream, Kuchel said she was tired. But they should go. Levi instantly deflated, but Oruo was so excited that they had to make the trip.
When they returned, Petra saw Levi outside Kuchel's closed door, poised to knock. But finally, he was defeated. He skulked away. She'd never seen him like that before.
And over the next few days, Kuchel was cheery and sweet. She kissed her parents good morning and good night. She was never rude.
But she didn't want to go to the park with Levi and Oruo. Or the movies. She only wanted to go out with Petra or her grandparents. Levi never let any of it show, but Petra would come in at night and find him already in bed, weary as hell. He looked deflated.
Finally, it was the night before Hange's trip, and the kids' as well. Everyone was nervous. Everyone felt ill.
"Go and give Papa a hug," Petra whispered to Kuchel. "He could really use one."
Kuchel did. Levi made sure to look stoic, but Petra could tell he was breaking inside.
"Love you, Papa." Kuchel kissed his cheek.
"You too, little girl."
Then, to Petra's delight, she cuddled up on the couch with him and Oruo. They listened to their favorite radio programs, laughed at the funny bits, and played a board game after dinner. By the time he went to bed, Levi looked weak with relief. Petra hugged him as they settled in for the night.
"That could've been the last night for us as a family," he said matter-of-factly. Petra bit her lip. It was true. "Thank fuck."
"I know." She kissed him, and turned out the light.
The next morning, they said goodbye to Hange first. The military convoy picked her up in front of the apartment building. She was dressed smartly in her military uniform. Willy was there as well to see her off.
"There's a lot riding on you, Hange." He shook her hand. "Good luck."
"This'll be fun." She sounded so flat when she said it that Petra laughed. They hugged. Levi even deigned to give her a salute. The gangly brunette saluted back, smiling. Some things never changed. But Petra saw the tight set of her husband's jaw. Come back safe. I can't lose you. Words he couldn't speak.
Hange got into the truck, and they headed out for the airfield. Willy left, and at eleven the kids came downstairs with their bags packed. The camp bus trundled around the corner, ready to transport them to the marina and from there to the Amalfia Islands. Kuchel and Oruo both smelled strongly of sun lotion. The little girl wore her hair in pigtails. Oruo was even more rumpled looking than usual. Petra kissed and hugged her children goodbye. Oruo especially clung like a little monkey.
"Be so good," she whispered. She could not cry. This could be the last time…
"Love you, Mama." Oruo gave her a big kiss. So did Kuchel. And their daughter hugged Levi so tight. He maintained his composure.
"Love you both more than anything in the damn world," he said, glancing at Petra. And you, too the look said.
They loaded the bags onto the bus, and the kids went to take their seats. Kuchel sported her little pink backpack. They waved out the window as the bus rolled away. Petra waved until the bus vanished. She trembled, but didn't cry.
"They'll be okay," Levi said. He put his arms around her. "And so will we."
She sighed and pressed her cheek to his. The kids were safe. Hange was going to negotiate.
Perhaps things would work out after all.
The bus was loud. Kuchel and Oruo argued a bit about who was taking up too much room on the bench as the bus hissed and turned left. It pulled in to the marina. Several boats were all lined up, ready to go. There were boats going to Liberio, to Bohtaswa in Nambia, to Shongwai in Zhongu. There was even a boat going to Paradis, for the people who'd been trapped in Marley and wanted to go home.
Just like Mama and Papa had said.
"Everyone off!" The camp counselor, a lady with bright blonde hair, clapped her hands at the front of the bus. "You've got thirty minutes until we board, so pair up and use the buddy system. If you need to use the restroom, now's the time."
The kids laughed as they climbed off the bus. The porters unloaded their bags, taking them to the ship. Oruo looked up at Kuchel.
"Guess you're my buddy." He sounded less than thrilled. She made a face.
"Hey, you wait here. I just gotta use the bathroom," she said. He scowled.
"Hurry back."
Kuchel went over to the restroom. She saw a line for the ladies. She got into it…and after a minute, got out of it.
Mama hadn't checked her backpack, thankfully. She probably thought Kuchel had put in her stuffed bear and some books. She didn't know there was a plastic canteen of water, and some bread and fruit. The trip to Amalfia was only a few hours…but the trip to Paradis lasted a couple of days.
I have to talk to Uncle Erwin. He'll make it okay. He just needs to understand. Grown ups never know how to talk.
She knew it in her bones. She knew how true it was.
Kuchel hid out behind a soda stand for a while. She winced when she thought of Oruo waiting on her. But the Paradis boat left in five minutes, and they had another twenty until Amalfia boarded. He never cared where she was, anyway. By the time they realized Kuchel was gone, it'd be too late.
She glanced at the Paradis boat. Boarding had almost finished. She took a breath, and started to run.
"I know what you're doing." Oruo appeared out of nowhere like a creepy little ghost. Kuchel came to a sudden stop. He glared at her, his little arms crossed. "You're goin' to Paradis."
"Oruo! I am not!" She wanted to scream.
"Are too. I saw you put the fruit in your bag. You didn't bring Pookie, either." Her bear.
"I'm too old for bears." She blushed.
"You're goin' to Paradis. So." He lifted his chin. "I'm goin' with yah."
"Oh, you are not." She gave up the charade. "Mama will kill me if I take you."
"She's gonna kill you anyway. But if you don't take me, I'm gonna start screaming. And I'll tell them what you're doin'. And you'll be in biiiiig trouble."
That little brat. Kuchel wanted to pick him up and hurl him over the railing and into the sea.
"You can't—"
"Just try."
For a seven year old, Oruo could be pretty scary sometimes. Kuchel freaked out as the Paradis boat sounded its horn. She had to make a choice. Now.
If she didn't go now, it could be too late for everyone. She gritted her teeth.
"Come on. But you have to do whatever I tell you, or they won't let us on board."
"Okay." He rushed along with her, keeping up on his wiry little legs. Kuchel hurried to the end of the line; they'd be the last to board. She gripped Oruo's hand tight.
"Whoa. Young lady, you got a ticket?" The uniformed man stopped her at the ramp. Kuchel looked agitated.
"Please, please. Our Mama's up there. We can't miss the boat! My little brother had to pee! I forgot the tickets, oh, please!" She started to cry.
To her shock, Oruo played along. Beautifully.
"Mama." He started to sob. The guard cursed; he knew the boat was seconds away from leaving.
"Okay, go on. But get your tickets next time!"
"Thank you!" the children chorused. They rushed up onto the boat. Kuchel knew she'd have to play this carefully over the next couple of days. They didn't have a cabin, after all. But her Ackerman instincts had never failed her yet. She always knew just what to do.
They held their breath until the anchor went up and the boat steamed away from the dock. People waved from down below. Kuchel and Oruo made sure to hide themselves in the crowd.
When they were comfortably out at sea, they leaned on the railing and stared at the horizon.
"You did a good job." Kuchel couldn't help her surprise. "You actually cried and everything."
"Tch. Of course." He sounded full of himself. She rolled her eyes. Brothers.
Armin…
Kuchel was going to save her brother. And her aunt. And Paradis. She was the only one who could do it now.
Hold on, Armin. She smiled as she stared at the endless sea. I'm almost there.