Hold me Because I'm Scared (of Falling Apart)

Chapter 21: Please (Don't Fall Apart)

A/N: My SQ supernova fic is all wrapped up; now it's time to get back into the drama of this story :)

Emma let out a long suffering sigh, leaning back into the hard backed chair of Regina's dinner table. "Regina, please, you need to eat." She pushed the plate forward with her finger, Henry sitting at the head of the table and watching the display with a solemnity that did not deserve to belong on his face.

"I'm not hungry," the woman said, pushing the plate back, like this was some game of tug of war.

"Regina, seriously. You look terrible."

"As I should," Regina snapped back. "I feel terrible."

Emma scowled. "Regina, I know it's only been a month, but you can't keep beating yourself up over this."

"And why not?" is the harsh question, Regina's nostril's flaring with an anger Emma has more and more recently had thrown at her because she's the only one willing to try to bring Regina back to how she once was.

"Because-"

"I killed her. I killed Kat. Maybe not directly but with my actions. I did it all because I was stupid and selfish, and-" Regina chokes on her own words, clenching her hands into fists on top of the table. Emma pushes the cold meal aside, holding one of Regina's fists in her own and trying to uncurl the tightly curled fingers there.

"It wasn't your fault."

"If I had been there," Regina continued, ignoring Emma's words, "If I had stayed by her side then she wouldn't have gotten so stressed out. And she wouldn't have had complications. This is my fault."

Henry only gave Emma a hopeless pleading look, one that said please, help save my mom. Emma had been on the phone with him a lot recently, checking in on Regina who was going through a really rough phase. The woman still went to work but other than her job, she seemed like a lifeless husk. She barely ate, barely slept, and she was beginning to have a drinking problem. She even let Henry eat sugary cereal! Clearly, something was wrong.

"Regina, it's really not," Emma said with exasperation. She didn't know what else to say to make it better. "Maybe you should go to therapy for this."

Regina jerked her hand out of Emma's. "I don't need help. I'm not crazy!"

"Therapy isn't only for crazy people. It can be useful for anything. Like marriage counseling-"

"Do I have a marriage that can be counseled?" Regina said with a nasty snarl. She rose from her seat. "I can't carry it out with a dead woman, can I?"

Emma was starting to get ticked off now. There was only so much patience she had for this woe is me act. She too got up, pushing herself from the table. "Enough is enough, Regina," she said in a low voice. "I know losing Kat is hurting you badly. I'm upset she's gone too. But you can't keep blaming yourself, it won't bring her back. And you need to be on your feet with your head screwed on right. You have Henry to take care of, and your baby."

Regina seemed to crumple in on this. Her baby with Kat. The only link left of her on this planet. "Catherine doesn't deserve a mother like me. What will she think of when she finds out it's because of me her mother is gone."

That's it. Emma can't take it anymore. She rounds around the table and slaps Regina hard in the face. Henry's mouth drops open and the peas in it almost spill out. "Henry, go to your room," Emma says in a low tone of voice and he doesn't hesitate to listen to her. He just leaves, in such a hurry he doesn't even push his chair in.

Regina still hasn't fixed herself from how her face is to the right now, hair messy. But she's working her jaw. She's pissed. Good, Emma can work with anger. She can't work with pity and self deprecation.

"Fuck, Regina. I thought you were stronger than this. The woman I used to know wouldn't have stopped at anything to achieve her goals."

"And what is there to achieve?" Regina spat angrily and finally turned her face to look at Emma. She had a red mark on her cheek. She made no move to soothe it.

"Happiness. You can still be happy. This isn't the end of the world. And don't forget, your mother is still out there. She needs to be dealt with."

"Happiness," Regina says the word bitterly. "And who am I supposed to be happy with? You?" she scoffs. And that, that does hurt. But Emma pushes her own pain aside, because she knows Regina's own pain is greater and she's lashing out. "Maybe this was your plan all along. Your revenge for what happened between us ten years ago. You come back, disrupt my balance, throw a rift between me and Kat-"

Emma slaps Regina's other cheek and this time Regina jerks her head to glare angrily right into Emma's face. "Hit me one more time and you won't be able to anymore, Emma." The threat is not light, but Emma's boiling mad now. She will not stand for Regina's accusations.

"Listen to yourself. You sound sick. Me, planning all this? Me, planning to ruin your family? I'm not like your fucking mother, Regina. I don't go around making plans to make other people's lives hell. And despite what she did to me, I never once blamed you for it," Emma said loudly, working herself up. "I moved on with my life. I went and had our kid, I got a job, I made sure to take care of him, and I came here because I thought it was what would be best for us, for all of us. But, it turns out this town is a fucking joke, and your life is a fucking shithole because you won't grow, A FUCKING BACKBONE!"

The anger on Regina's face mixes with hurt and confusion now. "What-"

"I'm fucking right and you know it," Emma seethes and she is on a roll now, gesticulating wildly with her hands. "You were too much of a coward to come out to your mother about us, and you were too much of a coward to say no to the arranged marriage. I bet there were other things you couldn't say no to either, and it makes me sick to think that I love someone like you. Someone who is so scared of doing anything against her own mother, that she won't even help the people she loves and cares for." And damn it, tears are pricking at Emma's eyes but the words keep coming out of her. "Your mother has controlled you for too long and she's even made you so scared you ran from her now, and you're the god damned mayor of this town! So, are you going to fucking do something about? Because Cora does whatever the fuck she wants and she doesn't give a shit what you want. And Kat, loved you and did what she did to get you. But you, you just let it all happen. You move with the tide, you never cause it. And I'm telling you, it's time you made a move, Regina. Because I am growing tired of waiting on you to finally do something."

Regina is staring at her, mouth gaping wide open. It looks like she doesn't know what to say, do or even think in this moment. So Emma takes her silence as a chance to finish up her sentiment. "I love you Regina, and perhaps I always have. But I won't let your indecisiveness keep hurting me and Henry any longer. We need someone who can love us back. And if you won't take care of your mother, I will. Because I will not let her poison me any longer."

A loud wailing came from upstairs. Their argument must have awoken Catherine. "Go feed your daughter. At least make sure you raise her right," Emma said and left, slamming the door behind her.

Emma hasn't seen Regina in over two weeks since she dumped the truth on her like that. She texts Henry so he can tell her if there's been any changes. He notes that Regina has been eating more but that she has been quieter, more withdrawn into her thoughts.

Emma doesn't know what to make of that, but she's done. If Regina doesn't take charge of her life, then Emma can't do it for her and will be moving somewhere else. Graham is a good enough guy. With time, they could grow to love each other.

"How's Regina?" Graham asks as Emma clicks away at her computer, logging reports.

Everyone in town knows about what happened in the hospital and there had been a massive send off for Kat. She had been loved by many people in town and remembered fondly.

Regina had been unable to shed a single tear, unable to move a single muscle, as they read the prayers and then lowered the coffin down. She had excused herself at that and Emma had gone after her. Emma had found her out behind the church, throwing up.

Emma had held her hair back and handed her a tissue when she was done, but they hadn't said anything to each other before heading back.

"To be honest, I don't know," Emma sighed out. "She's...not doing well but it's not entirely terrible."

"Must be hard on you. Seeing someone you love struggling."

"Yea," she sighed out and went back to her reports.

Surprisingly, Cora kept out of the way for the month. Odd, since Emma would think she would be the type of person to sink her claws into someone in such a vulnerable state. But it was good to see even she had standards, despite however low they were.

Still, the fact remained she was in town and whenever she and Emma crossed paths, she would throw insults at Emma. Emma brushed them off because she didn't have time to dedicate any matters to Cora when her thoughts were consumed with Regina.

She wondered if her words had gotten through to the brunette, or if Emma would need to talk to her again. Then, one evening, while Emma was home, lounging in her boy shorts and tanktop and watching TV, there came a series of hurried knocks on the door. Her phone buzzed and she looked at it, wondering who was texting her, and who was knocking at her door at this late hour.

It was a message from Henry.

Moms been drinking. A lot.

Fuck, that wasn't good. Emma jumped to the door, suddenly knowing who it was there. She opened it up to find Regina on the other end, cheeks flushed. Her jacket was hanging off of one shoulder and her scarf was a knot at her throat.

"Mma Swa!" she greeted, leaning against the door-frame and smelling like she'd bathed in apple cider. Emma reached out to catch her when Regina lost her balance on the door.

"Regina what the hell are you doing?"

"I'm drinking," she explained.

"Jesus," Emma cursed and stumbled under the weight of Regina to the couch where she plopped her down. "What did I tell you about drinking," she reprimanded, trying to untie the tangle of fabric around the brunette's throat. "You have a baby to look after."

"Catherine. Her name is Catherine. Like after Kat," Regina corrected drunkenly. "Why don't you ever say her name?"

"Because I don't want to dredge up memories that will hurt you."

"But I'm always hurt. Everyone always hurts me. I try to be tough, but I can't," Regina said, sniffling and now sounding close to tears. Emma finally threw the scarf away, sliding the jacket off of her shoulders. She had a feeling Regina would not be leaving tonight. Emma would have to go back and check on the baby and Henry later.

"Come on Regina, let's get you to bed," Emma said and Regina recoiled at this.

"Stop. No! I can't sleep with you."

"I'm not trying to sleep with you. Just make you get rested," Emma assured.

"But I want to sleep with you," Regina whined. "But it's so wrong. Even though Kat's gone, I still want you. Even more now, but I know I shouldn't because it's only been a month and god," she rubbed at her face with her hands. "I sometimes think this is good. Because now I can be with you. Now I don't have to pretend anymore and then I hate myself for thinking that."

"Shh, it's okay," Emma hugs Regina to her as the woman starts sobbing and Emma doesn't know what to say to this confession because a small part of her feels the same. Without Kat, there are less complications but she hates herself for thinking this, for allowing the thought to make her happy. Are they fucked up for being like this?

Emma doesn't want to know.

Eventually Regina stops crying and allows Emma to put her into bed. She's conked out within minutes, tired out by her grief. Emma sits and looks at her sleeping. She looks more peaceful like this. How could they ever have let things get this bad? How could their life have turned out like this?

Emma sighs and gets her jacket. It's still chilly at night despite it being spring and she needs to go check on the kids. She'll bring them over to her apartment so she can keep an eye on them and on Regina at the same time.

It's only three days since the last time Emma has seen Regina. This time she's not drunk but presentable, wearing her armor of the mayor. "Emma, a word," she says when she comes to Emma's office and catches Graham and Emma trying to see who can fit the most marshmallows into their mouths. The disapproving glance sends a red flush down Emma's body but she swallows the sugary food down and meets her outside in the end of the empty hallway.

Regina's whole body is tensed so this must be an unpleasant conversation to be had. "I've given your words some thought and I have decided yes, you were right. I have cowered in front of my mother and I've decided I won't any longer. But..."

"But..." Emma echoed, waiting for the downside of this.

"I need your help," Regina admitted, crossing her arms in front of her. "I can't do this alone."

"Okay..." Emma trailed off, not sure how she could help. "What do you want me to do?"

"Just...be by my side. And help me brainstorm ways I could get back at my mother."

"Sure. When?"

"Does tomorrow at my place work."

"Yea, I'll be there." The least Emma could do was help a friend out.

A tower of crumpled up ideas lay between them on Regina's work desk, and yet, they were no closer to getting what they wanted.

"Putting laxatives into her coffee?"

"Funny as shit," Emma commented, "but too short term and minor. We need something big. Something that changes her life as much as it changed yours."

"Sell her off to some man, then? I could set her up with Robin."

Emma nods her head. "Good start, but I don't see how we can pull it off."

Regina sighs and gets up to take Catherine from the crib where she is fussing a bit. She begins to burp the baby over her shoulder. "Honestly, I don't know. I don't have my mothers knack for destroying lives."

"I'm glad you don't," Emma answered, gaze softening as she watched Regina interact with the baby. Regina noticed the look and the sudden lapse of silence Emma had fallen into.

"What?" she questioned and Emma moistened her lips before speaking. "Just...it just makes me wonder, is all."

"Wonder about what?" Regina asks even if she might know what.

"About how it would have been with you raising Henry. You're a natural at this. An alpha natural at raising kids."

Regina rolls her eyes even if it is true that Catherine has stopped being fussy under her touch. "That is an absurd statement. Alphas aren't designed for raising kids. We're meant to be more...protective of them. But not know how to nurture them."

"Might explain why you're mother is the way she is."

Regina scoffs, trying to hide the pain of her mother's words. Of her confession that she never loved Regina. Maybe deep down some part of her had known this to be true but just had never wanted to believe it. "Who knows why she is the way she is. I certainly won't dwell on it. But I sure as hell don't want to be like her. Maybe it's why I never became so...so strongly opinionated about anything, or strove to fight for anything for myself. Because I was afraid of taking and breaking like she did."

"Could be," Emma mumbled as she stood up. "Can I hold her?" she asked and Regina gently turned Catherine over to her. The baby snuggled into Emma's arms and with her tuft of blonde hair, one could almost think she was Emma's daughter. Emma smiled at the babe's reaction. "I remember when Henry was this big. I was so afraid to hold him because I thought I might break him. But I didn't. Somehow, I knew how to care for him, and he grew up alright."

"You did an amazing job with him," Regina said as she stroked the top of Catherine's head. "I couldn't have asked for a better son."

"And you'll do amazing with Catherine. I know you will."

"All I can do is love her like I couldn't love her mother," Regina commented softly and regretfully, before kissing the top of a now sleepy Catherine's head and picking her up and placing her in the crib. Together they leaned over the bars and tucked Catherine in.

Regina let out a wistful sigh. It felt like every relationship that she had ever had always ended up with a child that could only have one parent. Was she cursed to have this forever? Emma's hand found purchase on the small of her back when she noticed Regina's dour expression.

"Hey, I know it's rough now, but we'll get through this. Remember, we're stronger together."

"You must have been really strong if you went through with what you did, all by yourself."

"But I wasn't alone. I had Henry, and in that way it felt like I had a part of you with me."

Regina smiled at this and found her hand had found home on Emma's hip. It was warm under her hand and she wanted to pull on it, to bring Emma closer but she refrained. Everything was still too raw. She was raw from the emotions inside her. It would be a terrible idea to force Emma to take the brunt of it, to use her body to forget even if she knew Emma wouldn't be opposed to it.

"Emma, truly, thank you. For everything," she said, watching Emma's green eyes sparkle at the sentiment. "Without you, I would be lost in life. But with you, maybe I can manage to keep my family together."

"Our family," Emma whispered, thinking of herself, Regina, Henry, and maybe Catherine too.