CHAPTER TEN: Sides

Pansy Parkinson loved Christmas. Or at least she had, up until this year when she was so severely depressed, that she couldn't even enjoy it. Not only were her parents asking about Draco all the time, but they were also discussing the wizarding war rather heatedly. She was hoping that this war would never break out, but apparently – it already has, and with her parents talking about, it felt much more real. She was terrified at the thought of that.

After they'd come back to Hogwarts, she was sitting with Blaise Zabini by the fire after dinner.

'So, we're pretty much back where we started,' she said, staring into the fireside.

'I'd say so if we didn't find out a fair few things,' acknowledged Blaise. 'We know he took the Mark, we know where he's working and what he's doing with Crabbe and Goyle. The only reason why we don't know WHAT he's doing is that we didn't sink to the level of stalking him.'

She looked at him, surprised.

'Well, look who's positive again,' she mocked. 'Never would've suspected you, Zabini, of comforting someone below your level.'

He raised his eyebrows.

'Oh, don't look at me like that, we all know your ego's probably higher than You-Know-Who's himself,' she added surlily.

'So we're back to fighting?'

'Whatever. I don't know what to do anymore, I'm done,' she said, fighting away the tears. Again. Even though she promised herself, she'd separate herself from her emotions, just like she used to. But she couldn't do that anymore, for some reason.

'And taking it out on me will fix it?' he asked irreverently.

'Well, maybe!' she raised her voice and sink herself into the chair a moment later. 'I really think I'm done, though. I say, let him do whatever he wants.'

'Your voice and face are generally supposed to agree with what you're saying, you know,' he claimed thoughtfully. 'And I thought you were a worthy liar.'

'I'm really done, Blaise, okay? Just let this go,' she said, rubbing her eyes.

'You sound like Nott right now,' he scolded her.

She just shrugged indifferently. After the post-party situation with Draco, she was too depressed to care. It was just too much for her. He kept avoiding her, and whenever he saw her, he turned around and – if possible – he was even leaving the room she was in. At the classes where they sat together, he was sitting with Crabbe or Goyle now, leaving her and Blaise astonished. He stopped talking to her altogether – from the beginning of the year, he kept it to the minimum, but now he completely stopped it. Whenever she was determined enough to try and initiate the talk herself, he was saying he had something to do and was leaving the room. Once, when she tried to do so in the classroom, he said to a teacher that he wasn't feeling well. He left for the Hospital Wing, even though it was McGonagall and it was quite hard to convince her it was the truth. Whenever they had any prefect duties, he just ignored her entirely or managed to bring someone with him, so that they wouldn't be alone and he wouldn't have to talk to her. She didn't understand it and wasn't sure she wanted to. Since the beginning of the year, they had only two serious talks – and both of them ended in kissing. But that surely couldn't have been the reason, could it? Both of those talks concerned his task, but not talking altogether seemed a bit too extreme.

And yet, the worst thing was insomnia. After that night, she started having more troubles sleeping – and there were nightmares, almost all of them concerning war and Draco killing someone or being killed himself. She was waking up covered in sweat, and that was how Daphne found her one night.

'Pansy! You're all right?' she asked worriedly.

Pansy looked around the room to notice that the rest of the girls were still fast asleep. She took a while to calm herself down with a few deep breaths.

'You're shaking,' Daphne stated the obvious, but Pansy wasn't able to say anything.

'Here,' said the blond witch after she'd conjured some water into the glass on her bedside table.

Parkinson nodded gratefully and drank the whole glass.

'Want to tell me what's wrong?' Daphne asked with a sad smile on her face. 'You keep having those nightmares and dismissing me at night.'

'I am?' Pansy asked, surprised.

She didn't remember anything like that. Only nightmares – playing in her head over and over again.

Daphne nodded her head sadly.

'I even added the sleeping draught once or twice. You couldn't fall asleep so I thought it would be a good idea,' she admitted.

'But why?'

'So you'd sleep.'

'Yes, but why?' Pansy repeated.

Daphne shook her head in disbelief.

'You know, you were kind of our leader for five years –'

Pansy snorted.

'But most importantly – you were a friend. And, well, you might've acted so high and mighty, but some of us actually saw through you,' she explained, smiling tensely.

'Well… I practically didn't have a sense of myself. So, technically, you couldn't see through me,' Pansy admitted truthfully.

'Oh, Pansy. Generally, you're a mean bitch, and we all know it,' she grinned, so Pansy returned the smile. 'And you might hate people in general and insult them or just laugh at them, but when you care about someone, you don't do short cuts, okay? You might not tell them that, or you might not want to show them, either, but you care for them in your own, twisted way.'

Pansy smiled slightly at those words but didn't bring herself to look at her.

'As you care for Draco,' continued Daphne, raising her hand so that she would not interrupt her. 'And I know it's hard for you, but I'm afraid he's already chosen his side, and you can't really do anything about it. He might already regret it, but you know how it is when you're so deep in something. Especially with him.'

'How do you know?'

'All Slytherins look up to him, it was just a matter of time before people realised something was wrong. No one knows what he's up to, though. But I suppose this is what you're trying to find out?'

She nodded with agreement.

'Then, all I can say to you is good luck. I just hope it's not too late for him,' Daphne sighed sadly.

'So do I,' admitted Pansy. 'I… I just hope we can survive this world.'

'We will,' declared Daphne confidently, giving her one-armed hug.

'Why isn't it easier? Whichever side wins, is going to hate us later for not fighting with them. But I'm not fighting, I'm not, I can't...'

'I know,' she said simply. 'Let's go back to sleep, okay? You don't have to worry about anything just yet.'

Pansy nodded and tried to fall asleep again, unsuccessfully. She kept turning around in bed. After a while, she could hear Daphne's steady breath, which meant she's managed to do what she couldn't. Half an hour later, she decided she's had enough of fidgeting, so she got up and went down to the deserted Common Room. If she wasn't half-asleep, she probably wouldn't get out to the corridor. It really would've been stupid to get caught, especially since she was a prefect. But if she stayed in there, she probably would've gone crazy. Hoping a walk would make her tired and clear her head, she headed outside. It was really cold this time of the night, but she didn't mind. There was still a lot of snow which made her ankles freeze. Looking at the dark lake, she barely heard a voice behind her.

'What are you doing here?'

She twirled around, terrified. She was standing opposite Draco who looked at her as if he'd seen a ghost.

'I could ask you the same question,' she replied coldly, heart still hammering in her chest.

'It'd be stupid to get caught at this time of the night,' he said absent-mindedly.

'Same goes to you. Or even more.'

'Just go back, Pansy,' he said and turned away immediately.

'Are you going to fight for him?' she shouted behind him, petrified that she managed to ask this question out loud. But it was bothering her so much, and she didn't have much to lose at this point.

Draco stopped and turned around, considering her and staring at her with a hurt look.

'I… I don't know,' he responded quietly.

'What do you mean you don't know?' she attacked.

He averted her gaze, as usual, at least since he joined… them.

'It's not that easy, okay!' he raised his voice. 'It's not like it's a… choice.'

'You always have a choice!' she fired back.

'Well, I don't!' he yelled in desperation. 'I'm not like you, I can't just hide, okay? They expect things from me –'

'Then why did you agree at all? To what, feel special? To –'

'It wasn't like that,' he said quietly again.

'Wasn't it? Right, so you didn't feel… The Chosen One?' she spat before she could stop herself.

Draco's face changed in a second, and it didn't show any emotions any more. It became cold and distant. Like made of stone.

'I told you, you wouldn't understand' he said indifferently. 'I wasn't wrong, then.'

'Don't turn your back on me again!' she shouted after him, and he faced her again.

'Stop it, okay? You have no idea about this whole situation –'

'Because you won't tell me!'

He sighed heavily, 'Because I can't, okay?'

'That's not an excuse,' she crossed her arms. 'Theo knows.'

'It has to be enough –'

'Well, it's not! You can't just ignore me most of the time and then – well, and then do whatever it is that happened –'

'Nothing happened' he interrupted her coldly.

Pansy snorted, 'You always have to do that, don't you, you can't just –'

'I told you, I can't,' he said, suddenly calm. 'Because I am not dragging you down with me, so stop fighting me.'

She looked at him in surprise and caught his eyes for the first time that night. They suddenly became less distant. However, his face still seemed indifferent.

'I do hope you two have a really good explanation for this,' said a cold voice behind them, which made them shiver.

Minerva McGonagall was dressed in her nightgown, so apparently, they must have woken her up.

'We heard shouting, professor. We decided to see what's going on,' said Draco smoothly, but McGonagall just raised her eyebrow sceptically.

'And how on earth could you hear –'

'We were in the Common Room, professor. We… couldn't sleep,' blurted Pansy sheepishly.

'I see,' she said coldly, narrowing her eyes dangerously. 'Then please do explain why the only voices I've heard, were yours.'

'Please, Minerva, they've explained themselves already.'

Severus Snape appeared out of nowhere, and Pansy thought they were rescued. Draco, on the other hand, tensed much more.

'Fair enough,' she said unconvinced. 'They're in your house. But if I catch you two again –'

'That's enough, Minerva. As you've said – they are in my house. Goodnight.' said Snape coldly.

'…Goodnight, Severus,' she replied, sizing him up, and turning around just to disappear around the corner in the next second.

Professor turned to Draco almost immediately when he was sure McGonagall was out of earshot.

'It's the second time you've been so foolishly caught –'

'I told you, I don't need your help, so stop protecting me!' Draco burst out.

'And you, Parkinson, I thought better of you than to let Draco get himself –'

'Well, since I don't understand why it's so important for him not to get caught, you can't really blame me, professor,' she said with a nasty smile. 'If he had a competent help, then maybe he wouldn't.'

'...You said you had better people, Draco, who did you mean?' asked Snape, turning his dark eyes back on Draco.

'It's none of your business, how many times do I have to tell you!'

Pansy sighed.

'Honestly, Draco, maybe you should just trust someone, I can go if you want –'

'You're siding with him?' he spat, pointing his finger at the black figure of Snape.

'I'm just saying, you can't do this alone –'

'You two have to get over the fact that I'm not telling you anything!' he shouted so viciously, Pansy took a step back.

'Fine,' she whispered, giving in. 'But… I'm there if you need me, okay? Try not to forget that. Goodnight and thank you, professor. I won't wander around the castle at night again, I promise.'

Snape nodded at Pansy as she left them, trying to stop tears yet again. Pansy Parkinson hated feeling hopeless.