CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE: The truth

Pansy Parkinson was sitting in the hospital wing, next to Draco's bed. He was awake this time and quite well, but Madame Pomfrey decided to keep him for another night of observation. He was to be released the next day. Theo and Blaise were with her, Crabbe and Goyle already left for the private lessons with Snape since they were retaking their DADA O. this year.

Draco looked a bit better now, Pansy suspected it was thanks to the sleeping draught – at least he caught up on some sleep. But apart from it, he seemed even more broken. He didn't want to talk about what had happened. Whenever they tried asking him, no matter how delicately, they were met with silence. So they kept talking about school, exams and homework. Which seemed so trivial that none of them was focused on what they were saying.

After a while, Theo and Blaise went down for dinner, but Pansy decided to stay. She has been sitting with him almost non-stop for the past few days. Since nothing was technically wrong with him, he was only in the hospital so that Pomfrey could check whether the dark magic had some effects on him. And so Pansy was allowed to stay with him, without the healer screaming at her.

They were sitting in silence for a long while. Pansy was staring out of the window. The sun was shining, and a lot of students were lying on the grass, making use of the warm weather.

'Pansy,' Draco said so suddenly that she turned to him, alarmed.

'What is it?' she asked quickly. 'Are you okay?'

'I want to tell you.'

'You – what?'

'I want to tell you the truth,' he said calmly, but his raspy voice suggested how tired he was.

She was staring at him – partly disbelieving, partly terrified.

'What do you mean?'

'I mean, I want to tell you the truth about everything. And I don't want you to tell Blaise – not yet. Not… before.'

'Of course,' she nodded.

He tried to get up, but was too weak and lied down on pillows again.

She watched him intently as if she didn't want to miss a single word.

'I'll start from the beginning,' he said thoughtfully, looking at his palms. 'It happened when – when my father failed...'

'But it wasn't just him...' Pansy started.

'It didn't matter, not anymore, not when he had already screwed up with the diary,' he sighed.

'The diary?'

'Obviously, Dumbledore didn't explain it accurately. But when the Chamber of Secrets was opened, it was all because of the diary. My father had it, and it was – uh – it kinda had the Dark Lord's personality? It's hard to explain, but it was somehow essential, and my father had just slipped it to the Weasley girl. So the Dark Lord was furious when he heard about it. He'd never even think that my dad could work without a direct order. Even if he'd thought that he would never return.'

'So… he was already on a blacklist of sorts?' whispered Pansy.

'Yes. And then, the Ministry happened, and he got himself caught. So, as you can imagine, the Dark Lord was not pleased.'

She nodded with a worried expression.

Draco stopped for a second, fiddling with his fingers. Frowning for a second, he seemed to have gathered courage and continued.

'So, the Dark Lord, couldn't let it slide anymore. And he thought – and I'm afraid Bellatrix may have had a hand in this – that the perfect revenge would be to make me a Death Eater and make me kill Dumbledore. All in front of my mother, of course.'

'Did he threaten you?'

Draco snorted.

'Of course he did. Me. My family. Pansy, he's going to kill me if I don't do that,' his voice cracked a bit, his lips trembling.

She grabbed his hand and squeezed it.

'I know why you're doing it. I'm... very sorry, but I have to ask. How did you react when you found out you had to join Death Eaters?'

His expression darkened even more if possible. Pursing his lips and frowning, he stared pointedly at the opposite bed. Pansy was worried he wouldn't say another word.

'I – er- I felt chosen,' he stammered after a few moments. 'I did, and I have to admit it, but I felt it only until he told me what my task will be.'

'You mean to kill-'

'Yes,' he cut in as if he didn't want to hear those words. 'Then and only then did I understand that it wasn't an award. I wasn't chosen. My mum and I were being punished for my father's failure. He never thought I could manage to do that. I was doomed to fail. And then, according to his threat, he will kill my family and me. Then, he will have an excuse to do that.'

'Does he need an excuse?' she asked sceptically.

'No,' he frowned. 'But if he starts killing Death Eaters without reason, he won't have any support. But if he kills after clearly stating why – he spreads terror and they will be even more devoted to him.'

'That makes sense,' she muttered.

'Yeah. And since the Dark Lord could sense my doubts and my fear... Well. That's why I asked my aunt to teach me Occlumency.'

'That's the part I don't understand,' she admitted, looking him in the eyes. 'Why is she doing that? Isn't she his most devoted supporter?'

Draco sighed heavily.

'Yes, she is. But I had leverage. My mum forced Snape to make an Unbreakable Vow. My aunt thought I should be proud to serve the Dark Lord and thought my mum was ridiculous to do something like that. So I told my aunt that I want to hide my thoughts from Snape because he'll want to steal my glory.'

Pansy stopped to consider him for a moment. Should she say something about what she'd heard? It seemed like a good time to find out how things looked like from his perspective. But...

She took a deep breath in.

'But – I'm sorry you're finding out this way – I've heard your talk with Snape. You used those words against him. Do you really think so? That this is something that will bring you glory? Is this why you won't let Snape help you?'

'You don't understand,' he shook his head, ignoring the part about her eavesdropping. 'I want glory from the Dark Lord for one simple reason. If I do this, and if I do this alone – without Snape or anyone's help, he'll see that I'm worthy. If he sees that… He'll let us off the hook. Yes, we'll have to support him, probably even stronger than ever, all three of us, but he'll let us live. We'll be… atoned in his eyes.'

Pansy didn't try to hide tears that were flowing down her face. She also didn't avert her gaze.

'And to be honest, I only needed a few lessons of Occlumency, so it wasn't hard to convince her,' he said after a while. And for a second, the slightest second, he even sounded like an old Draco. Proud of himself, a bit too proud. But his cloudy, absent eyes told her that he was never going to be the same. Never.

'What did you figure out?' she asked a moment later. 'Do you know how you'll do it?'

He nodded slowly and swallowed hard.

'I know. It's just taking a lot longer than I'd expected.'

'What is it?'

He stared at his hands, stubbornly.

'There's this cabinet,' he muttered quickly. 'Remember Montague?'

She nodded as the terrifying realisation hit her.

'You're going to use it to bring them to school, aren't you?'

He didn't reply, staring out of the window instead – but she knew it was the right conclusion. She started shaking.

'When?'

'I don't know. That's the problem this is why-'

'That's why you cursed Katie Bell, and that's why you poisoned Weasley. All of them were supposed to go to Dumbledore, but it was just a desperate attempt, wasn't it, you just tried whatever you could think of because you couldn't fix the cabinet. That's why Montague didn't appear anywhere, he was stuck, because it wasn't working properly, was it?'

He nodded absently, watching the green grounds.

'But how did you manage to curse Bell without being in Hogsmeade and send this mead to Slug-' she stopped abruptly.

He looked guiltily, not meeting her gaze.

'Oh my god,' she whispered with a shaking voice. 'Was it Madame Rosmerta or someone else?'

'Rosmerta,' he confirmed quietly.

'Imperius?'

'Imperius.'

A moment of silence hung between them.
Draco still didn't look at Pansy, while she was still trembling.

'I wanted to ask you for something,' he said, his voice suddenly firm and clear.

She turned to him.

'I want you to tell Blaise everything when it's time. Theo knows most things, but if he has any questions, answer him.'

She nodded obediently.

'And Pansy, I want you to hide when the battle starts. I want you to run away and hide. And please, remember that I love you.'

Her eyes filled with tears again.

'Don't do this to me now,' she whispered.

'I have to,' he said, his voice breaking. 'Because I don't know what's going to happen to me when it starts.'

Pansy Parkinson hid her face in her palms. She couldn't take it anymore.