"But why can't we stay with Uncle Jervis and Cousin Alice this weekend?" asked Katrina from the carseat.
"I told you, my darling, Uncle Jervis said it wasn't at all personal, but the last time he had all three of you it was very difficult for him to cope," said Emilia.
"But that was because he also had the Joker twins to look after," protested Katrina. "We would never set his apartment on fire like they did."
"I did point that out to him," said Crane.
"Nevertheless, it's not kind to make people do something they're not comfortable with," said Emilia. "And your Auntie Harley said she was happy to look after you this weekend, so it's all worked out."
"But that means I have to play with Arleen and J.J. all weekend," sighed Katrina. "When all I really want to do is sit quietly and read my book."
"I'm sure Auntie Harley will let you do that," said Emilia. "After all, her children must get tired of playing sometimes."
"I wouldn't bet on it – their parents never do," retorted Crane, as he parked the car in front of the Joker and Harley Quinn's hideout.
"Just promise me you'll behave, Katrina," said Emilia, unbuckling her and the other children from their carseats. "And look after your siblings."
"I will, and so will Lenore," said Katrina, petting the raven on her shoulder. "But Uncle Joker really annoys me."
"Yes, he really annoys everyone," sighed Crane. "But it'll just be for one weekend, my darling, and then we'll never leave you again."
"Why can't you just take us with you on this trip?" asked Katrina.
"Because it's a trip for grown-ups only," said Emilia. "And you should be grown up enough to accept it with good grace, and be good for your aunt and uncle. All right?"
Katrina nodded slowly as they knocked on the door. Harley opened it a moment later, looking frazzled. "Aw, criminey, I forgot about you guys," she said.
"Well, that's a good start, I must say," said Crane.
"Sorry, it's just…been really crazy around here," said Harley, holding open the door. "Mr. J's just left and I don't know when he'll be back."
"Left?" repeated Crane, stunned. "You mean he's abandoned you again?"
"No, no, no, nothing like that," said Harley, shaking her head. "It's just his newfound sense of responsibility thing…uh…it's kinda hard to explain. Just come in."
"You mean he was actually serious about acting responsible?" asked Emilia.
"Yeah, kinda," agreed Harley. "He likes to prove me wrong, y'see."
"You'd think that would make him stay home more, in an effort to be responsible for his family," commented Crane.
"That's not over the top enough for him," retorted Harley. "And anyway, I don't trust him to be responsible in watching over the kiddies again – that's one mistake I won't repeat. So he has to prove he can be responsible in other ways."
"Such as?" asked Crane. "Holding down a regular job?"
"In a manner of speaking," agreed Harley, nodding. "I guess you don't know Batman is out of town? Some kinda Justice League thing – they're trying to broker a peace settlement on another planet. It could be a long term absence."
"Really? Well, that should make things easier this weekend," said Crane. "Not that I'm really up for anything greater than petty vandalism, but as I said to Emilia, you never know what will set Batman off. It's nice to know we won't be interrupted by some idiot in a bat costume."
"You called?" said a familiar voice. They turned to see a familiar figure climbing through the window, a familiar figure dressed in an unfamiliar way. The Joker was wearing a makeshift Batman costume, which looked utterly ridiculous on a man of his thin frame.
"Puddin', I've told you to warn me before you get home!" snapped Harley. "So I can hide the kids – they can't see you like that! You know how terrified they are of Batman!"
"Don't worry – I checked that they were distracted by the TV before I entered," retorted Joker.
"What the hell are you doing?" demanded Crane.
"Isn't it obvious? I'm filling in for Bats while he's away," said Joker, removing the cowl. "So evil-doers better watch out, because Batman's about!"
"You think…taking over Batman's role is being responsible?" asked Emilia, slowly.
"Sure! Who's more responsible than Batsy?" asked Joker. "No one. He's responsible for keeping order in this whole city. Granted, he does a pretty terrible job of it, but I'm the new, improved Batman, so much better than he was."
"You're trying to keep order in Gotham?" asked Crane. "You? The Joker?"
"No, I told you, until Batsy gets back, I'm Batman," retorted Joker. He frowned, putting the mask back on. "Wait, that's not right. I'm Batman," he repeated, in a deeper, growling voice. "I'm Batman. I'm Bat…"
"He's been Batman since yesterday, and it's been super annoying," interrupted Harley, her smile looking forced. "Because he tries not to break character ever, if you know what I mean."
She bent down and covered Katrina's ears. "I never wanted to have sex with Batman," explained Harley. "And the experience was about as awful as one would expect."
"I believe in order in the bedroom," growled Joker, in Batman's voice. "No hanky panky – just get in there, pound it repeatedly, and dispense justice as efficiently as possible. Trust me, that's definitely how he does it – I've thought a lot about Batman's sex life."
"Obviously," said Crane, sharing a concerned look with his wife. "Harley, if you're going to be too overwhelmed dealing with the Batman imposter and the children, we can always postpone this weekend…"
"No, it'll be good to have a distraction," interrupted Harley. "And something else to focus on until Mr. J comes to his senses."
"I told you, I'm perfectly sane!" snapped Joker. "I'm as sane as Batman!"
"Well, his sanity is certainly debated," commented Emilia. "If you're sure you can handle this, Harley, we'll leave you to it."
"I'm sure," said Harley, nodding. "You guys just focus on having fun on your weekend. You got everything you need?"
"We think so, only…we're having a difficult time acquiring something," said Crane, sharing a look with his wife.
"What?" asked Harley.
"I'll say goodbye to the children in the other room, Jonathan," said Emilia, leading her children away. "You ask Harley."
"I don't suppose you have…any sort of illegal substances to hand?" asked Crane.
"You mean like explosives?" asked Harley. "We got tons."
"I mean like…drugs," said Crane under his breath.
"You think we do drugs?" asked Harley, looking offended.
"No, not you personally, I just thought you might know where to get some…" began Crane.
"We never touch drugs – it's cheating," snapped Joker. "Anyone can be psycho on drugs, but it takes real talent to be my level of crazy without 'em."
"Again, I didn't assume you did drugs," said Crane, although he honestly had. "I just assume some of your contacts in the criminal underworld would know how to get hold of some."
"Your contacts don't?" asked Joker, surprised. "I woulda put money on the Hat Freak being on something really strong. You mean that hookah he has isn't for doing drugs?"
"It's for decorative purposes only," retorted Crane. "Jervis says he doesn't want to do anything mind-altering since his grasp on reality is so tenuous already – if his mind were altered any more he might lose it completely."
"There's some sense in that, I guess," said Joker.
"Why can't you just make drugs, the way you make your fear stuff?" asked Harley.
"I don't want to imbibe anything too strong, or anything particularly addictive, which chemicals can be," said Crane. "I was hoping to just get a small supply of weed, or grass, as I believe marijuana is known in certain circles."
"Aw, look at him trying to be all street!" chuckled Joker. "Just don't tell Pammie you're looking for some weed to smoke – I assume she still considers that her babies and would try to murder you for it. I'm not a fan of drugs, but even I don't think it's a crime that should be punishable by death."
"She doesn't grow cannabis, does she?" asked Crane.
"I think she'd be a lot more mellow if she did," retorted Joker. "But now that I think about it, I think I know a guy who knows a guy who could get you something. Of course since it's illegal, I actually can't help you out, being Batman and all."
"All right then, never mind," sighed Crane, as Emilia re-entered the room. "We'll make do without. I'll just go say goodbye to the children now."
"I think this is a really swell idea, Em," said Harley. "It should be fun to be all young and reckless for the weekend."
"Just not too reckless," said Joker, sternly. "Because Batman's gonna be watching you."
"Well, that's not at all creepy," commented Emilia. "Anyway, I'm sure you'll have your hands too full with real crimes to pay any attention to us."
"You're right – crime doesn't take a vacation," agreed Joker. "And neither does justice. I'm Batman," he repeated, heading for the window and jumping out.
"He has…something to land on out there?" asked Emilia, slowly.
"I have no idea," retorted Harley, as they heard a thud, and then a muffled "ow."
"Apparently not," Harley added, shrugging and heading off to join the children. "But you know, it's not my job to look after Batman."